fooled Posted December 27, 2006 Posted December 27, 2006 We broke up last Thursday on the phone. We've both been unhappy for about 3 months. We seldom saw each other because of proximity and schedule - that didn't help. It was mutual - and during the conversation actually had some laughs, even though it was sad. Essentially, her alcoholism (as I discovered it to be) led to behavior that made me mistrust her. That pushed me away and caused me to not give her what she said she needed. We tried, but it was just too strained. We both know we aren't right for each other. I am sad and I hurt (but not as much as the Big One last January) - and feel like I failed. And am still failing at taking care of myself. I held onto her even after the red flags. I guess I just wanted to believe her. I suspect she was cheating, but have no proof - and really it doesn't matter. Bottom line is: It couldn't have worked out and it's better that it's over now than 6 months from now.
johan Posted December 27, 2006 Posted December 27, 2006 That sucks. I'm sorry to hear you went through another one. There are enough messed up people out there in the world, that the likelihood is high that you'll go through something like this every time. "It's a numbers game." Maybe it's better not to get serious until you've seen everything you need to see.
Touche Posted December 27, 2006 Posted December 27, 2006 So true. I've always thought that finding the right one is a numbers game too. A lot of it is just pure luck. And everyone is flawed in some way. The trick is to find someone with compatible flaws, if that makes any sense. And you also really have to keep putting yourself out there too while being cautious with your heart. It's a fine balance to have to maintain because you don't want to put up too many walls eilther. Good luck next time!
uksteve Posted December 27, 2006 Posted December 27, 2006 That's a shame you felt that you were both not right for each other but as you say better now than in 6 months!
notmakingsense Posted December 27, 2006 Posted December 27, 2006 Sorry to hear about that fooled.... but you sound very reflective and positive -- which is a good combination. I'm too lazy to go search your posts, but wasn't your last break up from a very volatile woman? You might want to use this new down-time to see if there are any repeating patterns with respect to whom you get attracted to. I think many of us have issues with whom we chose to pursue -- myself included! My achillies heal seems to be going for women who are emotionally unavailable or commitment phobic.
Author fooled Posted December 27, 2006 Author Posted December 27, 2006 I'm too lazy to go search your posts, but wasn't your last break up from a very volatile woman? You might want to use this new down-time to see if there are any repeating patterns with respect to whom you get attracted to. Yes, both were volatile women. And actually during the last month I have been contemplating the repeat patterns. It's what led me to the point of realizing she's not the one. Thanks for the support, all. I'm not really heartbroken - more empty and melancholy. I miss her - but I don't miss the drama.
guin_girl Posted December 27, 2006 Posted December 27, 2006 The trick is to find someone with compatible flaws, if that makes any sense. Isn't that the truth? I've come to realize that there are going to be little quirks with everyone... and now the question is whether that quirk is something that I can deal with for the long haul.
Author fooled Posted December 27, 2006 Author Posted December 27, 2006 Isn't that the truth? I've come to realize that there are going to be little quirks with everyone... and now the question is whether that quirk is something that I can deal with for the long haul. Agreed, but misbehavior and disrespect should never be tolerated.
bchlvr Posted December 27, 2006 Posted December 27, 2006 One of the things that struck me from your post is that although you saw some red flags you were willing to see the best in her, to give her the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps having learned from previous relationships, you did not go into denial about the significance of those red flags and the reality of her problem with alcohol. I'm wondering if you could say a word or two about the red flags of a problem with drinking. Other red flags that you would not be happy with? I suspect that my ex had a drinking problem as well. I was most concerned about how she treated me when she drank a lot.
Author fooled Posted December 28, 2006 Author Posted December 28, 2006 I'm wondering if you could say a word or two about the red flags of a problem with drinking. Other red flags that you would not be happy with? I suspect that my ex had a drinking problem as well. I was most concerned about how she treated me when she drank a lot. Well, the first and biggest sign was that she could not leave a place until there was no more alcohol. Sometimes it was a bar closing or party ending - but mostly it was when she passed out at 3-5:30AM. If a bar closed, she went to someone's house - didn't matter if she just met them. She would say she wasn't an alcoholic - that she was instead, a "binge drinker." Well - done once a week makes you an alcoholic. She would get hammered and be sick all the next day - killing in effect, 2 days of time we didn't spend together. Because even if we were together when she was drinking, she was a different person. She (and friends of hers) said she was "more fun" when she was drunk. That's a big red flag to me. She would frequently lie about the number of drinks she would have. Eventually she got a DUI and admitted she had a problem with alcohol and would stop. But she didn't. Now, there's nothing wrong with drinking - it's the lying and cheating I have a problem with. And alcoholics lie. Other red flags I'm not happy with: her getting drunk-dialed in the middle of the night (she would say it was an ex or a fan - she's an actress - and that she never responded to them - but I doubt it), coming home later than a bar closes, being "sick" a day after going out - even if she didn't drink (makes me think she has sex marks on her and doesn't want to disrobe), getting defensive when any issue is brought up. So - any of this sound familiar?
guin_girl Posted December 29, 2006 Posted December 29, 2006 Agreed, but misbehavior and disrespect should never be tolerated. Nor physical/mental abuse or lying/cheating... My quirk list is pretty long...
Author fooled Posted December 29, 2006 Author Posted December 29, 2006 Nor physical/mental abuse or lying/cheating... My quirk list is pretty long... Excellent additions.
amaysngrace Posted December 29, 2006 Posted December 29, 2006 I'm sorry you're hurting again. If I were you I'd have to ask myself why I seek out destructive women in the first place. Are you trying to save them or something?
Author fooled Posted December 29, 2006 Author Posted December 29, 2006 I'm sorry you're hurting again. If I were you I'd have to ask myself why I seek out destructive women in the first place. Are you trying to save them or something? Nope. That's the thing - I don't want to fix or save anyone! This woman and the last were a lot different initially. Only now do I see the similarities and hopefully I've gained the ability to sniff them out in the future. And thanks for the kind words. The pain of this won't last nearly as long as the January break up.
Recommended Posts