Is it really about unmet needs!

[Rooster_DAR]

Is cheating/affairs really always about unmet needs. I really feel like it can be, but I also feel like people use this to minimize their guilt and possibly justify their behaviour. To me if you have unmet needs, you need to talk to you partner about them before you run off with someone else to get them fulfilled.

 

Regards,

[alphamale]

To me if you have unmet needs, you need to talk to you partner about them before you run off with someone else to get them fulfilled.

what if your "unmet need" is to be with someone who's sexy and attractive and your current partner is butt ugly & repulsive?

[Pyro]

Is cheating/affairs really always about unmet needs. I really feel like it can be, but I also feel like people use this to minimize their guilt and possibly justify their behaviour. To me if you have unmet needs, you need to talk to you partner about them before you run off with someone else to get them fulfilled.

 

Regards,

 

Unmet needs, the person is a horndog, disrespectful toward their SO, and is just plain selfish.

 

I agree that some talking should be done before anything like that happens. Unfortunately, some people are too chicken sh*t to say anything.

[lasan]

I think sometimes it is.

 

With my ex, his unmet need was to do as many women, men, and other various objects as possible. That was a need that I wasn't meeting. (unless I got multiple personality syndrome).

 

There are all sorts of reasons people have affairs. None of them good in my opinion, but reasons all the same.

[blind_otter]

I think "unmet needs" is a total cop out. I used that excuse when I was unfaithful years ago to a partner of my past. Unmet needs, really meant, "I'm tired of being in this relationship but I'm too weak to actually follow through with the breakup, so I'll behave in an atrocious manner in order to make you leave me."

 

Or it's just profound selfishness.

[lasan]

Unmet needs, the person is a horndog, disrespectful toward their SO, and is just plain selfish.

 

I agree that some talking should be done before anything like that happens. Unfortunately, some people are too chicken sh*t to say anything.

 

Whats wrong with being a horndog? Part of my disclaimer before I enter relationships is that I like sex, I am going to want it, and if you stop having it with me, we aren't going to last long. Part of my first marriage ended up being sexless, and I refuse to deal with that again. That is why I am upfront when I enter relationships about everything. If more people were honest about things, these situations wouldn't happen.

[Pyro]

Whats wrong with being a horndog? Part of my disclaimer before I enter relationships is that I like sex, I am going to want it, and if you stop having it with me, we aren't going to last long. Part of my first marriage ended up being sexless, and I refuse to deal with that again. That is why I am upfront when I enter relationships about everything. If more people were honest about things, these situations wouldn't happen.

 

I meant horndog in a way that the person can't say no to sex, regardless of who it is with. I guess that sort of goes along with being selfish.

[NoIDidn't]

I think "unmet needs" is a total cop out. I used that excuse when I was unfaithful years ago to a partner of my past. Unmet needs, really meant, "I'm tired of being in this relationship but I'm too weak to actually follow through with the breakup, so I'll behave in an atrocious manner in order to make you leave me."

 

Or it's just profound selfishness.

 

I totally agree with this sentiment. Unmet needs is just another justification to blame someone else for your own cowardice.

 

I told my H last year that I was bored out of my mind with our M and would like to see some changes or I was walking. He assured me that he didn't feel the same and that the R was just in a lull. Well, he had an emotional thing going on with a co-worker, go figure.

 

Yeah, I had unmet needs, and spoke up about them. But when someone has an A and then plays the "unmet needs" card, well....I like to call a spade a spade.

[lasan]

Just because someone has an affair, it doesn't make their unmet needs any less valid. It just means they chose a crappy, cowardly way to deal with it.

[Romeo Must Die]

I meant horndog in a way that the person can't say no to sex, regardless of who it is with. I guess that sort of goes along with being selfish.

 

and a regular menace to society.

 

[reservoirdog1]

I think "unmet needs", if used incorrectly (i.e. usually by the cheater) IS a cop-out.

 

For the rest of us, however, it doesn't have to be. Just because somebody has unmet needs, it doesn't mean those needs are reasonable. One person might, though married, have the unmet need to screw everything with a pulse. Which doesn't make it acceptable -- they just have f*cked up needs.

 

It's a bit of a PC term. After all, I had unmet needs during my marriage -- however, I had enough self-control and respect for XW not to go outside the marriage to get them met. As for her, not so much.

 

Like so many situations in life, the true meaning of words depends on who's saying them.

[NoIDidn't]

I think "unmet needs", if used incorrectly (i.e. usually by the cheater) IS a cop-out.

 

For the rest of us, however, it doesn't have to be. Just because somebody has unmet needs, it doesn't mean those needs are reasonable. One person might, though married, have the unmet need to screw everything with a pulse. Which doesn't make it acceptable -- they just have f*cked up needs.

 

That's the thing. When a cheater starts harping about unmet needs, it comes in one ear and goes out the other. At least for me anyway. 'Cause the way I feel is, what about MY unmet needs? Can't meet my needs while you are out ignoring them in favor of your own.

 

When cheaters start on the whole unmet needs thing, it just makes my blood boil. Its one more thing to push the guilt of their affair onto the betrayed. I don't buy it. And if that makes me come off as uncaring, so be it.

[Trialbyfire]

I have unmet needs. I would like the perfect man who can gauge my moods no matter what they are and ensure that his responses only make me happy. It's all about me, me, me and my wants, desires and wishes. Right...

[bonehead]

I have unmet needs. I would like the perfect man who can gauge my moods no matter what they are and ensure that his responses only make me happy. It's all about me, me, me and my wants, desires and wishes. Right...

 

And KNOWs when the change is coming and is prepared an hour in advance.

[Trialbyfire]

And KNOWs when the change is coming and is prepared an hour in advance.

All you need is a 28 day calendar...

[bonehead]

:lmao: :lmao:

[Gunny376]

I think "unmet needs" is a total cop out. I used that excuse when I was unfaithful years ago to a partner of my past. Unmet needs, really meant, "I'm tired of being in this relationship but I'm too weak to actually follow through with the breakup, so I'll behave in an atrocious manner in order to make you leave me."

 

Or it's just profound selfishness.

 

Thank you! Thank you for owning up to that!

 

Why not just say, "I'm just tired of your azz! You're out of "gas", and I'm out of here Mother Trucker!"

[IpAncA]

If it's not about meeting their needs then what is it?

 

I though that if those needs are reasonable and if those are not met then that other person will seek someone else who will met those needs.

 

I have seen a number of posts on here where people say their needs were not met and then a number of people on here have said to read that book "his needs, her needs." If it's not about the needs then what is it?

[Ladyjane14]

If it's not about meeting their needs then what is it?

 

I though that if those needs are reasonable and if those are not met then that other person will seek someone else who will met those needs.

 

I have seen a number of posts on here where people say their needs were not met and then a number of people on here have said to read that book "his needs, her needs." If it's not about the needs then what is it?

 

I agree with the others that "unmet needs" is not a good enough reason for committing adultery.

 

BUT.... I do believe that unmet emotional needs can create an environment in which it's easier for an unhappy partner to rationalize his/her choices.

 

It would be nice if EVERYONE who's unhappy in his/her relationship either worked it out or ended it... but that's not always what happens. I think it's more likely that a WS (wayward spouse) starts small. They might intend to just enjoy some innocent conversation, or even some meaningless sex.

 

But the problem is... the situation snowballs. As they begin to experience how nice it is to have some of their ENs met, they become emotionally attached to the new person who's meeting them.

 

Right or wrong, sometimes I get just as mad at cheaters as the next person. In fact, I have ZERO sympathy for the narcissistic 'serial cheat' type who feels s/he is ENTITLED to whatever whenever.

 

But most WS don't fit that catagory. Most are fairly troubled individuals who've become caught up in something they didn't really intend.

 

So yeah, I can see how "unmet needs" enrich the environment for cheating... but I don't think it's a viable reason for cheating. There just aren't any reasons good enough, IMO.

[IpAncA]

No I don't think there's any good enough reason myself to cheat.

 

Thats why I was asking because when people cheat they start trying to see why they did it and sometimes somewhere down the line the whole "unmet" thing pops up. They didn't feel this or didn't get that met.

 

I don't know. I just hear to much of "I don't know what to do, I don't want to cheat but I don't know what else to do."

[Mustang Sally]

Of course it's about "unmet needs." (Exceptions to this: the pathologic cheaters who do it just to play the game.) That doesn't make the cheater in the right, though. I know I myself have contemplated a relationship outside my marriage because H is not meeting some needs. Haven't acted yet. I have discussed this with him multiple times, and he's not getting it. Haven't gone to counseling yet, but I have suggested it to him multiple times, as well. Now am considering leaving, but the ramifications for the children....you know the same old song. But that's another story, entirely. My point is that unless you fit into the pathologic category, as above, I think the only reason one would look outside of M is unmet needs. Again, doesn't make it right, and doesn't make it unselfish. But I think that is what happens.

[Rooster_DAR]

Of course it's about "unmet needs." (Exceptions to this: the pathologic cheaters who do it just to play the game.) That doesn't make the cheater in the right, though. I know I myself have contemplated a relationship outside my marriage because H is not meeting some needs. Haven't acted yet. I have discussed this with him multiple times, and he's not getting it. Haven't gone to counseling yet, but I have suggested it to him multiple times, as well. Now am considering leaving, but the ramifications for the children....you know the same old song. But that's another story, entirely. My point is that unless you fit into the pathologic category, as above, I think the only reason one would look outside of M is unmet needs. Again, doesn't make it right, and doesn't make it unselfish. But I think that is what happens.

 

Most men will probably never get it because we are not mind readers. Women need to be clearer on what needs aren't being met, not just some mumbo jumbo left up to the man to decipher.

[Mz. Pixie]

I agree with the others that "unmet needs" is not a good enough reason for committing adultery.

 

BUT.... I do believe that unmet emotional needs can create an environment in which it's easier for an unhappy partner to rationalize his/her choices

 

Yes, I agree totally with this statement. This is what I'm always preaching.

 

However, when you're the BS- or the person being cheated on you don't want to look at this part of the issue. It's so much easier to talk about how evil, terrible and selfish the cheater is than to own up to your own issues in a relationship. I do believe cheating is selfish and terrible and evil, however, that doesn't mean that the person who cheats is the devil incarnate.

 

 

It would be nice if EVERYONE who's unhappy in his/her relationship either worked it out or ended it... but that's not always what happens. I think it's more likely that a WS (wayward spouse) starts small. They might intend to just enjoy some innocent conversation, or even some meaningless sex.

 

But the problem is... the situation snowballs. As they begin to experience how nice it is to have some of their ENs met, they become emotionally attached to the new person who's meeting them

 

This is exactly how it happened for me. Some of us do try to talk to our spouses about our unmet needs and it doesn't do any good. Once you're repeatedly at this point and your requests, tears and pleas do not work or your partner doesn't take you seriously- then that is the moment you begin to be vulnerable to the OP.

 

Right or wrong, sometimes I get just as mad at cheaters as the next person. In fact, I have ZERO sympathy for the narcissistic 'serial cheat' type who feels s/he is ENTITLED to whatever whenever.

 

But most WS don't fit that catagory. Most are fairly troubled individuals who've become caught up in something they didn't really intend.

 

So yeah, I can see how "unmet needs" enrich the environment for cheating... but I don't think it's a viable reason for cheating. There just aren't any reasons good enough, IMO.

 

Agree. I believe serial cheaters are rare and that many times their actions are due to just being plain out immature and not ready for the type of committment that they've taken on. Whether it's long term relationship or marriage. Some people simply do not know how much hard work marriage is, or how easy you can become vulnerable to another person. IMO it's a good idea to build fences around your marriage- ie, meet the other person's needs- be the kind of partner that you'd like to have.

 

Once you're with someone for a long time you get complacent and you forget that you should be nicer to them than you are your coworkers or that their needs should come before yours, that is why it's so easy for things like cheating to happen. Sure, you can meet all your partner's needs and they may still cheat. Really though, whether or not their needs are getting met is really a personal preference because all needs or different.

 

I hate to hear someone say "Well, I did this this and that to meet her needs". Because in reality, it's your partner's idea of whether or not their needs are getting met and not yours that really matters.

 

Some people may have needs that you might be unwilling to meet. Such as some type of sexual act that you're not into (threesome). But those are things that should be communicated up front and negotiated about.

 

Bottom line is that usually when something happens like this, people are not communicating. Often, the WS isn't communicating their needs (I myself was but I think this is rare- we expect our partners to be mind readers).

 

Sometimes when someone cheats that just means that that person is not the one for you. Or that they were not who you thought they were. Doesn't have to mean their evil and deserve to die or anything, they can still be good people, but just not the one for you.

[Ladyjane14]

Most men will probably never get it because we are not mind readers. Women need to be clearer on what needs aren't being met, not just some mumbo jumbo left up to the man to decipher.

 

 

Unfortunately Rooster... alot of folks hear it, but they don't LISTEN until the door slams.

 

I think maybe it's not even gender specific. Seems to me that all of us can occasionally prioritize our own issues to the exclusion of our partner's.

[riobikini]

re:

 

Rooster DAR: " Is cheating/affairs really always about unmet needs. I really feel like it can be, but I also feel like people use this to minimize their guilt and possibly justify their behaviour."

 

Rooster, I'm currently seeing someone who used the "unmet needs" excuse to have an affair that wound up wrecking his marriage -and his life thereafter for a couple of years.

 

We've talked about his past infidelity and specifically about the "unmet need" you refer to -and, of course, he zeroed in on one of the most commonly latched-onto excuses: he said, " She wasn't affectionate enough".

 

Translated, that statement is usually, "We almost never have sex", or " The sex we have is blah ".

 

After months of listening to his story over and over, the actual words used to tell the details have transformed into more of a *truthful* and *honest* portrayal of what was really happening with his thoughts, emotions, and notions, at the time of his infidelity.

 

He felt as if something *more* (more exciting) in regards to lifestyle -and, of course, sex- was passing him by.

 

He felt as if he was "missing out".

 

Note that, too, he and his wife *did not* have fluently working methods of verbal communication between them -nor did they try to work past any failures of the first few initials attempts of communication when the subject of decreased sexual satisfaction or dwindling romance and displays of affection was brought up.

 

They *both* simply allowed their fear of approaching the subject to win and remained buried in silence about it.

 

She was a good wife, mother, friend and partner. So was he.

 

But the two of them did not have the knowledge, strength -and methods- needed to approach and resolve the issue that had grown up between them.

 

Usually, in this situation, women are able to find more outlets that fulfill their need for affection and love than men. She found her outlet through caring for her children, through her church, her friends, and her job.

 

Generally, characteristic of men, he didn't find the replacement for what he felt he needed as easily as she.

 

And here we come to the point where the whole situation can freeze up in a holding pattern indefinately, or do a 360 degree turn in either direction: we can keep both partners in a kind of "relationship limbo", holding each absolutely responsible for keeping their marriage vows to remain true to each other, despite the knowledge that, more likely for the female, the decreasing sex/affection issue can be more easily satisfied through her social and familial "outlets" without ever directly confronting and fixing the problem -or we can "release" the male from keeping his vows, bury our heads, and allow him to quietly pursue whatever he thinks will increase his satifaction outside the marriage -or we can *choose* to boldly confront the problem (initially with or without professional help) and *challenge* the relationship to deal face-to-face with the problems that are causing feelings of pain and abandonment.

 

Many choose to let the problem lie quietly and long enough to gain steam and grow resentment that causes the marriage to disintegrate.

 

I think that -very rarely- does a women *not* know that there is a problem in her marriage or relationship of this nature. I simply think that they lie to themselves and ignore it, finding those "other outlets" satisfying enough to create for themselves the illusion that "it will go away", or that the problem "doesn't really exist", or to the extreme, that "he should be strong enough to resist any temptation outside the marriage".

 

If a woman thinks this way, she's asking for trouble.

 

If a man goes along with her thoughts, he's headed for disaster.

 

If both partners do nothing to confront the existing problem, they are both dead certain to lose.

 

With the man I am now seeing, he admits that the daydreams of being with another woman increased due to the problem concerning seldom having sex and dwindling displays of affection in the marriage. The daydreams eventually led to an actual affair -with an "over-the-top fantasy female who was, in the end, more trouble than she was ever worth.

 

With his marriage over, the ruin of the divorce, and left with the realization that he *could have* met the ultimate challenge that was needed to reconstruct and save his marriage and keep his family and life together, he is much wiser, much more appreciative of and aware of all his relationships (children, family, friends, romantic partnership) in general.

 

It was a painful and unneccessary journey to have that knowledge, but at least, he now has it.

 

To me, it's a "no brainer" -of course, if you have a similar serious problem and you ignore it, it's only going to get worse.

 

When two people aren't touching or communicationg effectively, either physically or through conversation, a great big chasm develops bewteen you, and it gets bigger and bigger the longer you ignore it.

 

If the male partner finally does concede, in human weakness, to pursue an affair, I think there is a very crucial responsibility that has to be recognized by both partners: their responsibility to the relationship as equal partners in acknowledging and confronting problems within their marriage/partnership.

 

Both partners have the responsibility to bring any marriage problems to the table for discussion and resolution.

 

It is not necessarily always the fault of only *one* of the partners, if infidelity happens.

 

Being in a meaningful relationship means caring for the relationship.

 

It means more than just mouthing the words "I do" -it's active- it means actually *doing* something to insure its stability, long life, and the true happiness of two people.

 

I just hope what I've said makes sense to someone who's in similar circumstances right now -and maybe the lightbulb will just (miraculously) come on.

 

(Smile)

 

-Take care.

 

-Rio