New Here, Need @dvice!

[Lazarus]

Hi, I just happened to stumble upon this forum and I decided I should post my situation in the hope that someone will help me out:

 

 

I am now 19 in college, as is my ex (we go to the same school). We met each other when we were 15, and quickly became best friends and started dating soon after... we were dating for almost 4 years. It was each of our first relationship and we have had so many good times together. I was pretty immature at some point in the beginning, and i did "cheat" on her... yes it was retarded and I didn't know how to react when someone threw themself at me, and I felt horrible and told her as soon as it happened. We broke up then, only to have her give me another chance a week later (it has never happened since). She did break up with me maybe 1 or 2 other times during the course of highschool, as I think it was still over that same reason, which I totally understand as I would not know how to react had she done that to me.

 

She always came back to me though, and our relationship was as strong as it could possibly be between two people, after all we were best friends and spent almost every waking moment together. We sort of broke up at the end of our senior year because she thought that she wanted to see what it could possibly be like to date other people (with no one in mind), yet another week later she came back to me telling me she realized that she was deeply in love with me. Throughout our freshman year in college we had no fights at all, and I thought we got along better than any other point in our relationship. We were inseparable.

 

The bad stuff started happening in the summer between freshman and sophomore year. My ex is a very dependent person in terms of her personality and the way I feel like she perceives relationships to be (she is very traditional in that sense). For instance we were at this party where we both got drunk and the people at the party were having ky jelly wrestling.. they all started chanting her name to wrestle and as she was drunk she didnt really knwo what to do and she looked at me (I think I realize now) to kind of get me to say no, but I was too drunk and I didnt stop her. She was really embarrassed and cried about it alot afterwards, but never directly blamed me (since i dont think it was 100% my fault). She hasnt been to a party since then. Anyway, I decided to take classes jsut to stay up with her even though I really didn't want to, as I was really burned out of school. I only really took any classes or stayed up at school just so I could be with her, and we ended up basically moving in with each other. I feel like I lost all my ambition to do anything schoolwise and all I focused on was her and playing videogames (that and getting drunk alot which was totally retarded, but I didn't realize it at the time). I even lied to my parents about having a job, and she knew about it the entire time :/. I was just so lazy and unfocused about anything that summer. I really feel like our relationship fell apart during the summer, even though she never really mentioned anything to me about it. We had a few fights over stupid stuff I said to her roommates and stuff while i was drunk, but no major fights or anything.

 

Fast forward to the beginning of the fall semester (this semester). We began the semester like we normally were, and I thought everything was fine... but I noticed she was kind of distancing herself from me, not really seeming to be enthusiastic to see me like she once was, and one night COMPLETELY out of the blue.. we were laying in bed about ready to sleep and I asked her why she didnt really want to do anything anymore, and she just said " i dont know if i want to be with you anymore". I ended up being so shocked that I walked home over 5 miles from her place right then and there. I figured that it was just gonna be like the other breakups, with her coming back to me like she usually does (I guess its dumb of me to be used to it, and I hate how she always chooses to walk away from a situation instead of confronting it, and I feel like she says alot of stuff she doesnt mean sometimes in the heat of the moment).

 

 

Anyway, I didnt talk to her really for about 4 or 5 days, and she calls me to return all my stuff from her place, and I see her for the first time since she broke up with me. She was crying like crazy when she gave my stuff back, and we sort of said a goodbye then. Thats when it hit me.. maybe this was for real! I didnt knwo what I did wrong to cause her to break up with me then... so I did the stupidest thing in the world, and for the next 3 months I pretty much begged and begged for her back, not realizing how pathetic and dumb I must have looked to her. See the thing is I thought, and I still think that she likes me and wants to be with me. I dont know why.

 

So just very recently, we were talking on the phone, and she decides that she wants to give us another chance. We get back togehter, spend like 3 days together, doing things, and I thought she was having fun like she used to, enjoying being around me and stuff.. then that friday she decides that its not what she wants again, because she isnt "in love with me anymore". I was slowly coming to the realization that i was being stupid for always begging her back and stuff, so I just said fine w/e... and what do I know, the next day she comes back crying to me telling me that she wants me again and she loves me etc etc. So I, being madly and hopelessly in love with her, say "yeah, lets get back together". And it felt like the most real thing since we broke up.. we had sex again and slept together for two nights (sex was a huge thing for both of us, it took us 2 years to have sex). I thought everything was fine, she was calilng me again, telling me she loved me, and such. So then I leave to go home for thanksgiving, and we dont talk for like 2 days... I was missing her so much but not calling her because I wanted her to want me, not me coming off as begging for her affection over and over. So when she finally does call me, guess what it is? To break up with me again.

 

We had a really logn talk the day afterwards, and she told me that our relationship had turned into a "motherly-child" relationship. She sort of became "involved" with this other guy while she broke up with me, which was the first time she had ever been with another person, and it lasted about two weeks before she ended it with him because she missed me so much. She did kiss him during that time, and she told me that when she kissed him she imagined it was me. THAT felt weird! But anyway, I feel now like I was being really, really immature during this summer, i did terribly in my classes, and my gpa went down alot because of it. I also feel like I became so needy to her to the point that I couldnt function without her (like an annoying needy), and I didnt mean to come off liek that. I also lost my ambitions to do really much of anythign with my life that summer, as I was so focused on just making her happy, pleasing her, gaining her approval, etc. I decided that I want to reprioritize my life, stop partying (which i only really did after she left me, trying to make myself happier but it didnt work), get my grades back up, and for lack fo a better word, "grow up".

 

She also told me that she wants to start dating this other guy again. Hes like 25 almost 26, a doctoral candidate, and they work in the same lab together (we are both engineering majors). I feel like she sees him as more of a man than me and more mature, etc, you know the deal. I want to improve myself so that I can be seen by her, and by other women, and also by myself, as a "man" now. I want her to know this, and I want her back more than ever. She told me that she "knows in her heart that I wont make her happy", and that we shouldnt talk anymore or call each other... but I know that she's said stuff like that before that she didn't mean, and its not the first time shes said something similar to me. I cant help but think to myself, she really does like me and love me, but its me coming off as super needy of her and me coming off as immature that drive her away from me when shes not actually there with me. I am so deeply in love with this girl, she is my best friend and I dont know what I should do.

 

Should I give up on trying to be with her for good? I don't really want to, I know I've never dated anyone else but I never realy had the urge to at all. I really felt, and still feel like she is the only person I'll ever love as much as I do. Its been 6 days since we've talked in any form, whether it be online, phone, or in person. This is the longest we've ever not spoken to each other. I want to not call her because I dont want to lose even more of my self respect and push her farther away. I have had a really, really vivid dream about this girl every single day since we last talked, and its driving me nuts. I cant stand the thought of not talking to her and not being with her, after all we are best friends.

 

I know that she was definitely in love with me, and I know that she still loves me as a person and cares about me, and I really do feel like she still has an attraction to me. I also feel like she doesn't really like this guy anywhere near as much as she liked/likes me. Keep in mind she hasnt started dating this guy again yet, I am pretty sure. I also feel like, while I am at fault for doing some stupid things, she is also at fault for not making me realize them. She told me the last time we talked that if she did tell me she felt like I wouldnt change those things about myself.

 

What should I do? I dont know why I feel the way I do, but I really think that once I "grow up" and such, she'll want me again.

[Lazarus]

can anyone help me?

[Kinger25]

I think you need to move on with your life and accept this as your first real relationship break-up. Your ex obviously does not know what or who she wants yet and it is not fair for her to keep playing with your feelings this way. Every time she feels alone or upset, she knows she can call on faithful old you to pick up the pieces for her and make her feel better, and once you have done this, she drops you like a hot brick again, until the next time.

 

Its very hard to move on from a situation like this, especially with your first love, but for your own sake, you have to. You need to take control of your own life and start making yourself happy without her being around.

 

I would definately suggest that you do not have any contact with her for at least a few months. That way you can grieve for the love that you have lost and heal yourself again.

 

I always say that if something is meant to be it will be. If its not, it wont. If you two are meant to be together then as your life progresses and further on down the road you may cross eachothers paths again and things might be different.

 

Just remember that you are still very young and have your whole life ahead of you. There will be plenty of beautiful girls out there who will make you just as happy, maybe even more so than your ex. This experience, although it wont feel like it at the moment, will most definately make you a stronger and better person. Breaking up is part of life and life isn't fair sometimes. Its sent to test us and we have to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and carry on regardless.

 

Good Luck

[Lazarus]

I dont understand why I cant just tell myself "she doesnt like me anymore, give up", I mean I want to forget about this if she doesnt want me, but I cant bring myself to think that.

[Lazarus]

I'm dying on the inside right now, I want to call her so bad, but I know its a bad idea!