lost3123 Posted November 5, 2006 Posted November 5, 2006 Hello. I am married but things have been going down hill. How do you decide where to live if both sets of parents live in totally two different states? I would like to live near my family especially when we start a family but he believes our best chances of making a good living is where we are currently. We now live about 20 hours away from my entire family. I am having a hard time being away from them and am not sure what to do. It has gotten to a point where I am starting to feel lonely and our relationship is going down hill. Anyone in a similiar situation? Thank you in advance for those that post.
Touche Posted November 5, 2006 Posted November 5, 2006 Hello. I am married but things have been going down hill. How do you decide where to live if both sets of parents live in totally two different states? I would like to live near my family especially when we start a family but he believes our best chances of making a good living is where we are currently. We now live about 20 hours away from my entire family. I am having a hard time being away from them and am not sure what to do. It has gotten to a point where I am starting to feel lonely and our relationship is going down hill. Anyone in a similiar situation? Thank you in advance for those that post. I'm with your husband on this one. Your loyalty should be with your husband. He's thinking about your welfare as a couple and as a family. Because, yes..he's your family now. Sure you still have your family of origin. But your allegiance should be to your husband now. You can always visit your family and keep in touch with them on the phone and computer.
alphamale Posted November 5, 2006 Posted November 5, 2006 you live where you have the best financial prospects and job opportunities and overall quality of life.
Guest Posted November 5, 2006 Posted November 5, 2006 You're an adult now. You're about to start your own family. You need to make sure you can provide them with the best opportunities - and if that means staying where you are, you should stay. There's a point where you have to stop being mommy's little girl and become a mommy yourself.
Moose Posted November 5, 2006 Posted November 5, 2006 Hey there, welcome to the Shack! Touche' has a point. You have your own family now. That's your priority. This will be one of the many sacrifices you're going to have to make. Try to look on the bright side of things. Since the creation of the internet, sattelite, cellular technology and modern transportation, the world has SHRANK considerably. 20 hours will soon be a hop, skip and a jump......
Author lost3123 Posted November 5, 2006 Author Posted November 5, 2006 Thank you everyone. I see everyones point. Maybe I am afraid to take the jump and be independent but I do understand that it is time to think about my new family and do what is best for us. I believe a lot of the issues have to do with my mother. She is very sad that we live so far away and when we leave after a visit you would think we were never going to see one another again. It tears me apart especially after everything they have done for me. I also believe I may be afraid. Afraid of what? I am not sure.
IpAncA Posted November 5, 2006 Posted November 5, 2006 O I know how you feel. I'm close to my parents, especially my mom and moving away from them was very hard since they live 2 days away. It was ok when I was in college because I could come home on weekends but now I can't. My husbands family lives about 12 hours away so it isn't that bad. I think holidays was the worst because I always spent it with my family. So what we do if we want to see them on the holiday's is rotate with each others family or we just stay where we are and start out own tradition. But Touche is right. He's your family now and you both have to do what's best for you both. I'm sure you can always visit them and call them. I keep in touch with my parents mostly by cell or talking to them on the IM. You'll be fine .
norajane Posted November 5, 2006 Posted November 5, 2006 If that's 20 hours by car, it's much less by plane. If that's 20 hours by plane, perhaps you could plan to have your parents come for longer visits around the holidays a couple times a year. And technology does help - get some webcams for your house and the parents and you can "see" each other whenever you want.
michelangelo Posted November 6, 2006 Posted November 6, 2006 That when an adult child gets homesick for their family the solutions alweays seem to be either: 1. stay where you are, your spouse is your family now. or 2. move to where your extended family lives. the suggested solution never is: If your mom acts all wounded and rejected that you are not living nearby, then suggest mom move closer to you. Actually, I've had this type of thing happen in my marriage. My wife was feeling way disconnected when our kids were infants when we lives 1300 miles away. Then when we moved closer, only 400 miles away, she was fine with that. a day's drive was ok. We started out living in a trailer park her parents owned. I know, WAY too close to them. That whole family moves like a hive surrounding the queen bee (read into it what you will). I needed my space and for our kids so we could have an independent identity. The wife finally came around when she connected with people other than her family.
Author lost3123 Posted November 7, 2006 Author Posted November 7, 2006 Good point you make about what advice is usually given. My mom would never leave because she takes care of her mother and my dad has good job. So that is not an option here. The other thing to this is my husband refuses to move to where my parents live. I believe he would get a divorce before moving and that raises a ton of other issues and also shows how strong he feels about moving. This bothers me a lot and makes me feel like he will not make sacrifices like I have. I am somewhat isolated so I agree that when you find someone else to connect with, they sorta become your extended family. Thanks!
Guest Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 I love my folks a lot but everyone who has replied to your post is right - you have to think about your family now and what's best for you guys. I'm im a kinda related dilemna myself: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t103568/ Sounds like neither you nor your husband are completely willing to do what's best for you as a couple/family as he refuses to move and would rather be divorced and you're not sure. Kim
lost1234 Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 Would you mind if I asked what your dilemna is? (the link came back to this thread) I always feel like I am the only person that is like this and often wonder if something is wrong with me. I know everyone is correct that we need to do what is best for us but I also want my parents to be active in my children's lives (when that time comes) and being 1200 miles away with an occasional visit doesn't seem enough to me. People do it all the time so I think I am thinking about this way too much.
Guest Posted December 5, 2006 Posted December 5, 2006 I am in a similar situation lost. I moved from Canada to Australia to be with my husband. It's been a year and a half and I still haven't stopped feeling homesick. I have a beautiful house which I love...but the city doesn't feel like home. I still haven't been able to find a job either. We have no family here..and not a lot of friends either. It's basically just the two of us. It's nice for the most part to not have anyone interfering, but I miss my old life too... family and friends. His family lives in another country, but he's ok with that. He's been here 7 years, so he's used to life here. I just don't know what to do. I've been applying for a job like mad, but no luck. We've talked about moving to Canada, but that seems very difficult as well. Does anyone have any tips for me?
vluna00 Posted December 5, 2006 Posted December 5, 2006 I went through the same thing when me and my now husband decided to take our relationship a bit more serious. We live 24 hours away from my home town, 8 hours from my mother, and 1 hour from his parents (He got his choice). 8 hours isn't too bad, we visit a couple of times in the year but I do love having my family around 24/7. In a relationship both persons make sacrifices and if your mood doesn't change in a while then maybe he should sacrifice as well. If the town your parents live in isn't a good town for advancement maybe find a median and live in a town closer to them with better opportunities. If I could take my move back I would. I would find a middle ground somewhere convenient to both families and settle there, everyone wins. You don't want to be somewhere were everyday when you wake up you wish you were somewhere else. This is what I have been doing for over a year and a half and I don't see the silver line yet.
Recommended Posts