Island Girl's thread!!

[Confuggled_one]

some background information for my relationship: FIRST: SHE DUMPED ME. I was the one who always took care of things.. my ex would always tell me that i was a good person and that i made her feel so loved and secured. at one point she became so poessessive to the point where i could not hang out with my friends. i had to lie to her because whenever i confronted her, she'd always yell or start fits with me. i also talked to my friends because the emotional stress and pressure she gave me.. and my friends would always tell her what i said. so after she figured all this out.. she requested a break up around april. we have been on and off for 6 months. it's really driving me crazy. she's on and off.. at one point last week we met and we didnt talk at first..

 

i felt bad and started talkin to her because she was amongst a group of my friends. then when we got into a car.. we had too many people and she sat on my lap and gripped my hand really tightly. i asked her before.. "do you still see us together?" she tells me at times "yes i have hope for the future" or "i dont know, i just want to be happy". i really love her, though it's been long since our 'break up'. i still care about her and everything. her birthday is coming up soon and i dont know whether or not i should acknowledge it. she tells me people like her now, i dont know how to respond to that. she tells me she still has me in her heart and no matter what she is not ready for a relationship. so could you guys please tell me or suggest something? she hit me and slapped me before. always accused me of things. i love her for who she was before.. that girl i met back in high school. she was something different. she also accuses me of being her source of depression. she said she wanted to seek thearpy... but.. never actually do it. anyone or anything would be helpful.

 

i woke up sad and missing her today. i wish she would come back to me, but i know it's just a hopeless bet right now. i still want to be with her.. but who knows. i wonder if she will ever come back. i didnt talk to her for a week and she came back seeing me last week. that really stunt my healing process.. agh. i feel like being a sissy and cry.. but it's pointless to waste my energy.

 

and as for trust, she was always jealous and insecure. whenever i hung out with girls she'd freak and blow up and assume i was ****ing them.

[Island Girl]

Well, I would stop the "on and off". Don't jump back in so quickly.

 

She is VERY jealous and possesive. She shouldn't be physically hitting you, etc. That has to stop.

 

I am very jealous and possesive too but since I have matured and changed I am not driven to extreme reactions but rather - "if you want someone else, GO" attitude.

 

Things seem to have sunk to a really bad level here. Physical altercations where she is taking her frustration out on you. That is bad.

 

She accuses you of cheating because she wants to feel more secure but there is nothing you could do to make her more secure. She is in a tailspin over this one.

 

I'm sorry your friends tell her what you talk to them about. Not true friends really. She may be using them too - is she drop dead gorgeous? I ask because I found my looks allowed me to manipulate men that I wasn't even dating. Like they always wanted to give me whatever I wanted. If so, she could be leading them into conversations to get info she wants.

 

Stop talking to everyone. Surely you see that you can't back off and draw lines of acceptable and unacceptable behavior while she is getting the scoop from everyone else.

 

She needs to be in the dark about what you are thinking or feeling. No information unless it is coming from YOU and if your friends aren't trustworthy, then you are going to have to vent or talk about it to family or places like here.

 

Don't ask about your relationship and where it is going. You need to get to a point where you are the one deciding. Okay, easier said than done, HOWEVER, this has everything to do with getting your manly self back in line.

 

As you have been tortured with this, you have lost a part of yourself by accepting poor treatment and not telling her she is out of line. I know it is hard. I really do. But unless you get your self respect back you are doomed. You need it to feel good about yourself. And any girl needs you to have it so they'll respect you.

 

What you really should be saying to her -- after going down this very long road of back and forth and accepting poor treatment --

 

"You have major problems. I don't care want to be together or not - you need help. I don't want to be with someone who is so mixed up. Get therapy. You should have never put your hands on me, THAT won't happen again. I treated you well when you didn't deserve it and you have repaid me by dragging me through this crap? You think I want that back? Get help, seriously."

 

Then walk away, hang up, whatever. You need to go NC to get hold of yourself. The NC is more for you than for her. NC will give her a wake up call for sure. Especially if everytime she sees you or hears about you, you're doing GREAT and HAPPY. To her miserable = you are still under her thumb.

 

But for you, you need to think very seriously about how you want to be treated. I don't mean "I want a woman to kiss me and love me, etc"

I mean BASICS: I require basic courtesy and respect. When those lines are crossed, I need to put my foot down immediately and let that person know I will not be treated that way."

 

There had to have been smaller initial "flip outs". Recall those and how you reacted. You didn't pull away and say to yourself hold it. THIS isn't gonna happen. You are acting crazy. I am out of here. And go NC until she had to apologize and stay withdrawn for a short time so she knew you were serious. I bet the reaction was you - stunned - like a deer in the headlights while a whirlwind happened starting with terrible fighting (mostly on her side) and ending with her telling you she just "loves you so much and she is just so scared you are going to hurt her". When a "flip out" first happens the wrong thing to do is stay and "fix" it. If you do, the situation will happen over and over again as she pushes the envelope.

 

Like a child she will go more and more out of control like she is trying to find the boundary where you say, "enough!".

 

You should never let a woman dictate whether you can or can't hang out with your friends. If there was a particular friend who causes problems between the two of you and you can see her point that is one thing - there are friends out there who will sabatoge relationships but that goes for girls and guys both. - ALL of your friends? No way. That is another hard line. You just refuse to do that. This is a "Your Problem" not a "My Problem" or an "Us Problem" in your head so that is what you say. Deal with it however you are going to deal with it.

 

There is a co-dependence that has been built here. You resign yourself to be treated like crap and doing whatever it takes to make her "happy" because you don't want to lose her.

 

You have to get to the point -- through the NC -- that you don't CARE about losing her. You are okay with the fact that you can get over it. It will hurt, yes. But it will not kill you.

 

Staying in the situation as is you are getting tortured. Tormented. Wouldn't it be better to be able to begin to heal and get yourself back on track than to re-open the same wound over and over?

 

You may not want her back when you finally see what your relationship has become. You certainly don't want it back as is. If you don't give yourself some time to feel good about yourself again it will keep spinning getting worse and worse.

 

If she does come back - she will have to deal with a new you. A strong you. One with boundaries who is willling to walk away from her at anytime if necessary. A better you. A healthier you.

 

Think about it this way, You love her SO MUCH right? You are not helping her by allowing her to do these things. You are assisting her in self destructive behavior. You are allowing her to become more and more manipulative. Not good for her - not good for you.

 

About her birthday - isn't that just an excuse for you to show HER how much YOU care? A mistake. She already knows how much you care. She really needs to know you don't care THAT much. You don't care about her SO MUCH that you are willing to sacrifice YOURSELF. That should be the most basic thing. That you love and respect YOURSELF enough that NO WOMAN is worth that.

 

Only when you gain that mentality, that realization, will you have a relationship that is satisfying. That the bad doesn't get THIS BAD. Whether it is her or anyone else.

 

Maybe there is more? But I hope this helps.

[Confuggled_one]

Island Girl: I really appreciate your help. i did get pussy whipped realy bad.. and im trying to regain myself. i dropped school so i can avoid her and changed my cellphone number. however, whenever im online on MSN or AIM she would msg me. should i just start ignoring her or???

I will just not acknowledge her birthday.. what you said makes lots of sense. i will be less avaliable to her from now on too.

i know it doesnt matter.. but for the likeliness of her coming back.. is it high or not? judging from her actions now.. they seem pretty high. and i will work hard to change myself because i know that's what is most important at this point of time.

 

thank you for your insight... and ya.. there were many codependency issues with my relation.. you're right. i need to learn how to draw the line.

 

btw, do you think no matter who she is with as of now, everythign will end the same? or will she actually change for the next person? thanks again

[Island Girl]

No chance she'll change with the next person, unless he is boderline or completely abusive. To which she'll end up more messed up than before.

 

Yes you should start ignoring her. Can you change your messenger name, etc.? That'd be the thing to do - and is there a way you can set it so you don't see her on or off? Do that too. If you have e-mail, well you can leave it on for fun - don't expect to get anything and if you do read it with a sense of humor. - She'll write some pretty outlandish stuff, very dramatic, about how she is 'dying' without you, etc.

 

Don't write back.

 

You droppoed out of school? Wow. High school or college...? Either way find a way to go again to a different school or a community college - something! You have to move forward toward a future for yourself. No one should detour that!

[Confuggled_one]

I forgot to mention.. i believe she is very beautiful and attractive. she wasnt as much before though. she was more to her personality when i first met her. then when this year hit, she became more slutty and that just disgust me.

 

but thank you so much for your help island girl

[Island Girl]

Then focus on the fact that she is becoming "easy". If it makes it easier, do whatever you have to do just as long as you keep yourself away from her.

[Confuggled_one]

No chance she'll change with the next person, unless he is boderline or completely abusive. To which she'll end up more messed up than before.

 

Yes you should start ignoring her. Can you change your messenger name, etc.? That'd be the thing to do - and is there a way you can set it so you don't see her on or off? Do that too. If you have e-mail, well you can leave it on for fun - don't expect to get anything and if you do read it with a sense of humor. - She'll write some pretty outlandish stuff, very dramatic, about how she is 'dying' without you, etc.

 

Don't write back.

 

You droppoed out of school? Wow. High school or college...? Either way find a way to go again to a different school or a community college - something! You have to move forward toward a future for yourself. No one should detour that!

Hey Island girl,

reading your post helps clear my mind alot. i keep rereading it because i am rather sad today. i dropped out of college.. just for one semester.. but i will be back soon next term. i hope i dont have classes with her.. but if i do i hope i wil lbe over her by then.

i really am afraid of her coming back or even writing. she has been msging me a lot.. and i did switch my names so i can hopefully not deal with her. everytime she reappears it gets whackier to handle. thanks a lot..

i hope i can get off this rollercoaster soon

[Island Girl]

I wish I could say something to take away the hurt - you should be really really angry. How dare she say she loves you and stomp all over you and THEN try to yank you around even more!

[Confuggled_one]

thank you island girl.. you have helped a lot. is it alright whenever i have a question.. i post it here?

 

do you think if i keep on being unavaliable.. she will realize what she lost? eventually come back and give it another shot...? or even try to change or anything? or will she move onto a new target. i think she already broke up with someone.. thus she became very needy this past week.. but i dont know i still have lots of feelings for her.. i cant even be angry at her. i dont konw what to do.

 

thanks again island

[scuderia]

sorry confused for crashing your thread. But Island girl i really would appreciate you if you gave me some comments regarding the following

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=938346&postcount=154

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=939071&postcount=156

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=939188&postcount=157

 

Have i totally blown it? Looking forard for yr advise!

[Confuggled_one]

does anyone else have some input?

[everlong]

i love it when a guy worries about what is going on and people say he is pussy whipped...lol

 

not sure if i was a female i would enjoy having a part of my body associated with being used in a negative way...

 

and why is it that people always crap on these people? it like inthe insecure school yard bullies with nothing better to do

 

anyhoooooooo, as to what you should do - nothing

 

because she has already made up her mind what direction she is taking her life so just sit tight and watch the fireworks show....lol

 

seriously though, i good friend of mine, a shrink at ottawa civic hosiptal is pretty clear on the number one reason women seem to 'regress' this way and he says its actually quite common. it ususally happens when a gurl starts dating at a young age, and her first or second relationship turns out to be a long one [most at that age are shorter]. so say a woman enters a relationship at 17, stays for 10 years, have a child, then ends up separating, so, now she is on her own, with a child at 27, and discovers, she needs some support because chances are she didn't get the opportunity to go to college or university because she was raising a child and working to support the child. so, she quickly goes into a rebound relationship, possibly thinking 'love' but really is financial and rebounding. say that relationship lasts 4 years. she is know 31 and suddenly finds herself in a position, with a 'provider' to go back to school and do things that she missed out the first time. problem is, she will start wanting other things she missed out because of the first relastionship and having a child - and guess what - that means university/college style dating - she will feel that she missed out / was cheated from that, and because she is in a good position with a bread winner, will start to plan a way to have a little fun. and this is actually quite common. men do it to. and if her first relationship was an abusive one - guy in relationship #2, will not only get the joy of her cheating on him, but also the downloading abuse from her ex and the feeling she was cheated by having a child so early [can;t get angry at her child right? can; get angry at the ex - father of the child right?] guess who is the lucky ducky

 

moral of the story is when you start dating - ask her how many relationship - long ones - she has been in before you

and if she says 2

 

run like the wind

so

[Confuggled_one]

Thanks everlong, However, i was her first boyfriend.. so I should just sit tight and do nothing? deep down inside i still feel horrible for not wanting to say happy bday to her.. and i still want to be there for her because i stil lhave such strong feelings for her.. but what for? for someone so abusive i dont understand why i feel this way.

 

but i see your point.. so you're sayin from now on her relationships will start gettin worst and worst? she doesnt realize her flaws and only accuses me of doing/being the bad one

[theadventure50120]

Lmao , read my thread...she was in a relationship from 16-20 and now feels she missed out on things and is now happy alone...

 

I was the next bf after her long one which ended a year ago , and she feels it wasn't enough =/

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t101668/

[Confuggled_one]

Island girl OR ANYONE: My ex has been really chatty with me whenever im online. she is trying to tell me about her life and is asking about mine but i really do not respond to her. she has been postin pix of us on her myspace profile.... and has been leaving me comments. i dont want to be an ******* and not wish her a happy bday, but do you still think it's a bad idea to do so?

 

please help > <

[Island Girl]

How long have you been broken up -- I mean for good. Not the on again off again...

 

Why are you looking at her MySpace? Even if you DO you, you aren't supposed to let HER know you look. I don't know much about MySpace, can u tell when someone checks the page?

[Confuggled_one]

How long have you been broken up -- I mean for good. Not the on again off again...

 

Why are you looking at her MySpace? Even if you DO you, you aren't supposed to let HER know you look. I don't know much about MySpace, can u tell when someone checks the page?

 

hey island! i thought you were not replyin to this thread no more! im so sorry for late replies..!!!

 

we've been completely broken up for around 2 weeks at most now...

 

and i dont check no more.. it really hurts to hear what the guys say to her. and i dont think you can tell whether or not someone has viewed your page or not.. cause i cant check it.

 

do you still think there is a possibility of her coming back? she's been trying to contact me, but i've never did anyting to respond to her msgs... and she tried callin me as well.. but i changed my phone so im outta reach..

haha

 

ty for your help island.. once again

 

She dumped her rebound after ONE date. and I think she got back with him because all my friends are starting to find out her true personality.. (atleast my best friend). Afterwards, she got sad and went to find the rebound once again.. i think that's just pure sadness..

[jimmy20013]

Confuggled_One, no you cannot tell if a particular person has viewed your page on myspace. I am going to give you the same advice that you gave me. Stay away from Myspace. Its evil .

 

The last time I checked my ex's myspace page, I almost went into depression.

[Confuggled_one]

Confuggled_One, no you cannot tell if a particular person has viewed your page on myspace. I am going to give you the same advice that you gave me. Stay away from Myspace. Its evil .

 

The last time I checked my ex's myspace page, I almost went into depression.

 

man see i wish i could take my own advice. and im glad you stopped checking..

 

dont ever check again dude. haha ill try my best too!

[jimmy20013]

The bad part about myspace is that it projects a very happy and cheery image of the concerned person which may or may not be true. Also you see pics that you may have taken of her and you start thinking as to why she is putting up those pics. You read the messages on the blog and you get insecure.

 

Myspace is dumpees hell. In all honesty I HATE MYSPACE.

[Anastasia0309]

The bad part about myspace is that it projects a very happy and cheery image of the concerned person which may or may not be true. Also you see pics that you may have taken of her and you start thinking as to why she is putting up those pics. You read the messages on the blog and you get insecure.

 

Myspace is dumpees hell. In all honesty I HATE MYSPACE.

 

 

I HATE myspace, Too. I just checked my ExBF yesterday and It made me sad at first..... Like the first 5 min and I was almost going to call him. Then I thought..... What would I say? I hate that you look happy, If you loved me then you should be just as miserable as I am. No thank you. I resisted temptation and now I feel stronger and better about myself. It's so true.....The picture that I was seeing of him out DJing at our favorite club..... Like 3 days after those pictures where taken..... we talked and cried together. He told me how much me missed me. Thing later went bad again. But my point is that just because they look happy doesn't mean their happy. Their not going to but up a picture where they look miserable. It take 5 seconds to smile for a picture. That's about it.

[jimmy20013]

I know what you mean Anastasia. I have been there, done that. Sometimes I am tempted to check my ex-gf's myspace page but I hold myself back.

 

Remember we all are built differently. Some people can handle a breakup very easily and I am definitely NOT ONE of those people. Hey but I can handle other things easily that those people may have a tough time with.

 

I pray that God heals your heart and helps you in your tough times.

[theadventure50120]

This is what i'm going through , i keep looking at my ex's myspace profile and no they can't tell if you view it , but with me if i get a extra view i check who is online and sometimes she is so i gather it's her , on one site it's tells you who viewed it , she viewed it today , and i have no idea why for someone who hates me so much and has it on her profile.

 

and yes a pic does take 5secs , and smiling and comments etc can be faked , i personally use myspace and the other site to rub it in her face , continue talking to people , look happy and having fun , she doesnt know that , she views my profiles , she must be checking something.

[Anastasia0309]

I pray that God heals your heart and helps you in your tough times.

 

 

Thanks, I think he's been helping me alot the past week. I'm finally not taking it as hard as I was. I don't constantly think about him anymore. I'm for sure not going to look on his Myspace and I deleted my account. I'm just sick of calling him because I'm scared of losing him. If he cares he'll fight for our relationship and wait for me now. I'm DONE!!! I hope the same for you. Keep your head up!!!!

[jimmy20013]

Hey Island Girl, I miss my ex terribly today. Do you think I should email her?