leopardprint Posted September 30, 2006 Posted September 30, 2006 This is going to be another long one. Wasn't sure what to do with this; Breaking Up, Coping, or Second Chances. I guess it has to do with all three catagories, so here we go. I have no idea what to do anymore. I've been with my S.O. for about two years, it was an LDR but we made it work. The last year we were together, things got kind of rough. We missunderstood one another and had little arguements sometimes because the distance and time apart and emotions of missing one another started to get to us. We were and are each others best friend and were extremely inlove. He talked about moving to be with me alot and he's the one who told me he wanted to marry me one day - and I couldn't wait. We spoke to each other for HOURS every day and webcamed and visited one another about once a month. Towards the end, the visiting started dying down, because of our busy schedules and because of funds. It didn't matter much, we just missed each other even more. Well, I know I missed him with my entire being. I'm not really concerned about the break up that happened, I'm concerned about what to do now, nearly 4 - 5 months later. One night over the phone, back in early July, through tears, he broke it off with me. I was discussing how different things were (I guess we were both worn down with life, and kind of taking it out on each other). After being on loveshack so much, I instantly said I didn't know if I could continue talking with him (was speaking about NC), because I knew I loved him and it would hurt because I wasn't with him. He told me he didn't want me out of his life because I am his best friend. Needless to say, I didn't want him out of me life either, so I stuck around. For the first month, things were EXTREMELY rough. I was crying EVERY SINGLE DAY, 24/7. Even when he would call me as usual at the end of the day, I would cry and sometimes even beg for a second chance. Everytime he would say, "I just need time. I'm not ready." And everytime I would say I need NC to move on, he would get upset, sometimes cry, and tell me he doesn't want to stop talking to me. And everytime, I did as he asked. It got better sometimes. We would laugh and talk about our days and go through our daily routines like nothing had changed. The only thing missing was the "I love you"s and talking about the next time we would see each other again. Deep down inside, no matter how much laughing and talking we were doing, at the end of the night, I would hang up the phone, and still be heart broken, knowing I still waited all day long to hear his voice, and I still couldn't tell him I loved him. There were plenty of times throughout these past months, where I finally sat him down and told him all my feelings. That I loved him and only wanted to work things out. That I would move to be with him (2,000+ miles away). That he was my best friend, and I only want to work for us, etc., etc., and every time, even though I spilled my heart out, he'd reply "I... I don't know. I don't know. I don't know." "I just need time." "I'm not ready." After awhile, I just dropped it. I was having problems in my life (health, family, work, etc.) and he said he wanted to be there for me for it all, and he was. We talked on the phone, and he gave me advice, and in return, he would tell me about the problems in his, and turn to me for advice of a friendly ear. Even though he was still being my best friend, and I knew he cared about me, and we still spoke on the phone EVERY night, for about 3 hours, I still was so torn up inside because I loved him. I told him about my concerns with not being able to move on. I told him he was the love of my life, and us talking and laughing and spending time on the phone, just gave me hope for us again. I told him I was scared of staying inlove and him falling out, and me watching it and seeing it and being there for it all, and getting crushed more then I already was. I said I didn't think I could be there to watch him end up with someone else, etc. Each time, he told me he cared about me, and he was not looking for anyone, and would not be seeing anyone, and doesn't even want to think about anyone else. He said he wasn't ready and he does not want to replace me. He said he will not tell me he doesn't love me, even if it will make it easier for me to move on, because it's not true. I would always ask, "If you are still inlove with me then, why wouldn't you want to be with me?" and he would always reply, "I don't know" or "I'm just not ready" or "Please, I don't want you to think I'm leading you on. I really don't want you to feel like that". This past month, I just wanted to leave him be. I didn't want to be a problem or bother in his life. Things turned out really well (or so I believed). We had turned on our webcams for the first time in about 5 months, and it was just - ugh - amazing seeing that smile again. We were smiling and laughing like when we had first met. We were playing online games together again and staying up late. He kept smiling and telling me how good I looked, how he liked seeing me all smiley. He told me one night he was just staring at pictures of us, remembering, being happy, etc. One night in particular, he kept staring at me, and smiling, and after awhile, I started asking, "What?! What are you thinking?"... For a few hours, he kept sitting there saying, "I don't know! I don't know what... ugh... I don't know what to do! Why am I like this? Am I making a mistake? What am I doing?" etc. He told me he missed the visits, that he thought about them alot, that he has a friend he goes to class with who is from where I am from, and only talks to him to be reminded of his visits to me. I told him "I miss you... I really do..." to which he replied very sweetly, "I know what you mean..." All these things led me to believe he was finally seeing me, for us, again. I thought things were going good. I finally brought it up, very nicely, and asked if he had thought about his "I don't know"s about us. He told me... he didn't really have the time with his busy schedule, and he was sorry. I was crushed again. All I could think was "What is going on in his mind?!!!!". Everytime he would get silent, I would ask, "What are you thinking?" to which he would always reply, "I... I don't know". Last night I finally let it all out. I said it hurt to be in love with him if this is what it's like. I told him it kills me that I can't say I love you to someone I care deeply about. I told him all I do is think about him, even when I don't want to. I said still wait up for him at night. I told him I still remember good things and that's all that ever mattered to me. I told him although I apperciate his caring about me, friendship, being there for me, I am still heart broken because of how things are. I told him it kills me that we might never see one another again, and haven't seen each other since May. I told him I don't know if I can continue this routine of friendship because it hurts, and I might never move on from him if I don't. I told him after all this time, he still doesn't know, but he's never really taken the time to think about it either, so isn't that kind of unfair? He tells me he feels pressured to make some decision. He said that when times are good, he does wonder if he should be trying again, but then he is still scared of us not working. He says he doesn't want to stop talking to me, that I'm his BEST friend, and he enjoys the time with me, that he still cares and loves me, he just "doesn't know". He says he doesn't want me to think he's leading me on, he wants me to do whats best for me, but if he doesn't know whats best for him, if he doesn't know from all this time still, how can he know whats best for me? He asked me, wouldn't I want him to be sure, before we tried anything? I said yes, he's right, I would never want him to be with me because he felt bad, or out of pity, or because he was pressured. But my feelings were, it's not about being pressured, but it's after 5 months, you've never really taken the time to think about what you "don't know". He fell quiet. I guess in a way, he's right; I was looking for him to give me some reason to leave, like an "I'm not in love with you anymore" or an "I'm looking to be with someone else" or an "I don't think you're 'it' anymore" or "I don't see a future with you anymore" - but everytime I asked him these things, he said he wouldn't say them because he didn't think or feel them; they weren't true. I guess breaking up with me 5 months ago should have been the only good reason I needed... but all these, "I don't knows" and good times, make me think I have a chance - gives me hope, ya know? I told him I didn't know what to do with myself anymore. Should I stay and be his friend like he wants, and act like I'm not hurt or thinking of him or still in love with him? I mean, I love him and he is MY bestfriend as well, and I DON'T want him out of my life, but I'd be lying to all of you, and to myself, if I said I can deal with this friends only thing. I feel like I'm being selfish or something. Why can't I be his bestfriend like he's being for me? Why can't I move on and still be there for him? I don't know - but I know my chest hurts when I breathe, I know I still cry when I think of the good times or when I hear certain songs on the radio, and I know at the end of the night, I just want to say I love you, and see him again. I'm sorry this was really long... I just don't know what I should do anymore. I know if I stick around, and continue laughing and smiling on the phone and on webcam with him every night, and being his bestfriend, I'm still going to be hoping things go back to being us, together, and I also know I could end up getting even more hurt if he ends up finding someone else or moving on without me. But I also know, if I stop talking to him, I will be even more heartbroken than I am now, since I do love him and he is my bestfriend (and nearly ONLY friend at this point). I also know if I stay and be friends with him, I will still have him in my life, and isn't that better than nothing? And maybe things will work out in the end for us. But I also know, if I leave, I might be able to heal myself, move on, find someone else, and maybe be able to be friends with him in the future. I know there are so many possiblities and things that could end up happening... I guess I just need some opinions. I love this man - he means everything in the world to me.
Island Girl Posted September 30, 2006 Posted September 30, 2006 wow - you weren't kidding about a long one. But you obviously needed to get it all out there and I hope it helped a little - just to put it together and vent your emotions. I realize you love this man. That he is your best friend. But you want more. You are not fulfilled by a friendship with him. He says you are his best friend. He has other friends. It seems he has a life going on too - besides you being his best friend. First thing you need to start getting to know people and get other things to do too. He is so you NEED to. Not just because he is but because you need to for YOU. Now - he is unsure and doesn't know just what he wants from you. But he does know he wants at minimum friendship. So you are meeting his needs. He is basically satisfied with no decision - no commitment - no resposibility - no thought of a future. He is - shall we say -- on the fence. He doesn't know what he wants and hasn't even thought about it -- YOU ARE RIGHT THIS IS UNFAIR. He wants you to stick around and give him emotional support and caring while he decides whenever he gets around to it what he wants to do with you -- stringing you along and yet never having to take the blame for it He accomplishes this by knowing you want more and that you are waiting around for him - you have told him again and again. Yet he says these things about caring about you so much that he won't tell you he doesn't love you because he does - but he won't tell you he wants you because he doesn't know if he does - He gets to say he is not stringing you along BUT THAT IS BY WORDS ONLY. He knows this is killing you. Yet he hasn't even thought about what move to make. So by action he is selfishly stringing you along. He has not thought about getting back together with you because he isn't missing anything. Why think about a choice? As you so clearly stated the only thing missing are the words "I love you" and talk about when you are going to see eachother again. He hasn't had to make a choice because you haven't made him make a choice. But clearly you are not satisfied. And waiting for something that may or may not happen. You could be waiting forever. Wasting time and emotion that could be given to someone who appreciated your full value and wants to give you the same. So you are going to have to make a choice. I think you really know what you need to do. I know you should break it off. NC. I don't care how much he cries or whines or begs. This is about YOU not him. It is about YOU getting what you need - not him. He is not thinking about your needs but he is really good at talking to you like he is. Again this is about you. You are faced with possibly endless pain limping along not getting your needs met. Or a larger amount of pain that eventually will go away. If it were me, I'd rip the band-aid off as soon as possible not pull it off slowly. I say NC because if it is true that you are his best friend and you are so important AND he still has feelings of having a relationship with you - you will get him back fully and completely. **** He knows how you feel about him and believe me if he loves you too he will contact you and clearly say he feels the same way. If you are his best friend and he was never going to be with you, he won't be back. His attempts at contacting you will go on for a little while but he'll stop. And this will allow you to start doing new things and meeting new people. It has to be NC for you as much as for what you really want. Did you know that this is exactly what Dr. Phil's wife did to him? She told him she wanted to be married. He said he wasn't ready. So she broke up with him and went NC and dated other people. He eventually realized she is what he wanted and they got married. Now they have been married 30 years. But she wasn't willing to sit around and wait for something that may or may never happen when she was ready to move forward and demand more for herself. Nor should you be. Demand more for yourself. A love is out there for you. If it is not him then getting over this is the first step to finding the one that is. You already know what I am talking about. You feel it. I also know, if I leave, I might be able to heal myself, move on, find someone else, and maybe be able to be friends with him in the future.
Amour77 Posted September 30, 2006 Posted September 30, 2006 Do not waste your time anymore. If he wants you and wants to commit himself to you, he would have done it by now. You are just a kind of lifesaving jacket for him at the moment. He gets what he wants from you and then leave you on your own with all your love and feelings. Cut the rope. Do not get in touch with him anymore. He will then maybe realise what he has lost.
silentcharon Posted October 1, 2006 Posted October 1, 2006 Yes, Island girl is absolutely right. I was in the same sort of situation as you are in. My ex broke up with me after being with me for 7 years, saying that he wanted to find himself again. He still loves me, and has told me that he is still in love with me, but doesn't know. I tried to be friends with him- but it got very confusing for me. He'd do things like, whenever I slept over, he'd ask if I was coming to bed and I'd say I'd sleep on the couch. Or he put his house keys on my key chain without my knowledge....... he still carries this key chain thing that he made- a laminated picture of me to this day. When we broke up, he took it off..... and then put it back on and it's been there ever since. I told him I couldn't handle giving him what he wanted (being friends, acting like a couple minus the commitment). I put up with it for a while till I got fed up- I wasn't trying to force him to take me back or anything, but I did want to know where we stood. So one night, I basically forced NC on him, he didn't want to do it, and I've been in NC ever since, with the occasional contact from his part. Hell, he sent me flowers with a card that said, "Loving you and Missing you, love, xxx." I just couldn't handle wondering whether that lingering hug he gave me meant something, or if that quick grin he gave me was supposed to be a hint for something. It was slowly killing myself inside. It was incredibly hard for me to go NC, but it was also easier for me than remaining friends with him when he was still unsure. You can do it, you need to go into NC because you know this isn't good for you. It wasn't for me either. You have to realize this, you have to do this for YOU. It will be very hard trying to move on if you remain friends with him right now, because you still love him. You have to let him go and move forward with your life. This will suck big time, but you know you have to do this. We're behind you 100%, so keep posting if you need to!
BigTony Posted October 2, 2006 Posted October 2, 2006 I was going through this about 3 months ago she called it off because I was acting like an idiot and "it wasn't the same anymore." I cried and asked for a second chance which didn't work and only pushed her further away. I would ask her about her feelings and she would give me the boot or the "I don't know" which I hated. She was really depressed and confused at the time I thought she was playing me and dragging me along, but she was really confused. Its not fair at all to wait one someones decision; I waited thinking ok what if I have a chance, what if I leave then I lose my chance, all those what if's don't help, help yourself and move on YOU HAVE TO. As soon as I move on you will feel so much better, maybe he will realize what he's lost and MAYBE come back. Even if he did would you want him back?!?! My G/F came back into my life telling me that she can't live without me and she mad a really bad mistake... BLAH BLAH BLAH. I took her invite but sometimes I still doubt the decision thinking is she really here to work things out or is she here just to be here and having false hope. As soon as you move on he will miss everything you both had together, Iwaited for 2 months, IDK about 5, that is a very long time to wait. I think at 5 months he has made his decision. thats almost half a year and he doesn't know?!?!? That IDK means I dont want to hurt you and tell you how I really feel. If it was meant to be he will come back in the future, but you can't sit waiting around for that move on and see new people, let him know that your moving on. You can't show your weakness, everytime you do that just shows him your still there waiting on him and hes in control.
D-Lish Posted October 2, 2006 Posted October 2, 2006 Sorry to hear about your dilemma. You can't let him string you along anymore. the best advice is for you to cut the cord and give him the opportunity to see what he is missing. He will better be able to make a decision when you are absent. He is in the driver's seat right now- you need to take that power away from him and become absent and unreachable. Make him wonder where you are and what you are doing and who you are with for a change. Want to stir up some emotions? Seriously- go NC until he makes his decision. It's unfair what he is doing right now. I'd get angry if I were you. D
Guest Posted October 2, 2006 Posted October 2, 2006 He'd let you move on. Friends respect the feelings of other friends. It's pure selfishness on his part, truthfully. And I know he doesn't mean to be selfish; he doesn't MEAN to string you along; he doesn't MEAN to keep you in tears at all hours of the night- but if your pain meant anything to him at all, he'd care that he was hurting you. But he doesn't. He only wants what's best for himself, and right now what's best for him is having YOU as a security blanket. You're comforting, funny, and accepting. Plus, you're easy- he can have all of the emotional security that you give him with none of the responsibility of being with you. Hate to say it, but you're really getting the crap end of the stick. You should stand up for yourself, and take the time you need to heal. After all, he's doing what's best for him with out considering your feelings. It's time for you to let go, mature, and do the same. You're young, and you'll find that you'll probably date a handful of more times before you find the man you'll marry. Just enjoy being young and dating! :-)
bella_girl Posted October 2, 2006 Posted October 2, 2006 I hate to say it but I agree with the others here, particularly guest. He wants what's best for him and easiest for him. Sweetie he said he doesn't know, he's said it a thousand times. You have to move on. I know that you don't want to lose him and that he's your best friend. BUT you have to do what is BEST FOR YOU, not him. This continual talking to him is hurting you not him. Put your interests first. You're not saying you can't be friends ever you just can't be friends right now. Take control of your life. You need to end it and do the no contact thing. I think that will give you both some space and time to heal. Its not his choice to say what you do with your life, if he's sad that you can't handle being his friend then that is his problem not yours. Put yourself first because he sure aint doing it.
Author leopardprint Posted October 3, 2006 Author Posted October 3, 2006 Thank you everyone for your replies - really, you have no idea how much I apperciate it. I guess, I sort of knew what you were all going to say. I just really need to keep hearing it I suppose... like constantly getting it knocked into me... a constant kick in the butt to get myself in order already! I really only have one or two friends I talk to this about in my life, and they are hours and miles away from me, and they have basically said the same thing as you guys. I guess, in the end, I'm just scared of lossing something that meant so much to me, you know? Something that was apart of my EVERYDAY life. In another thread, I remember someone telling me it was almost like an addiction. Talking to him, being with him, every single day, for two straight years, is a difficult thing to just suddenly go cold turkey with, like a smoker who smokes a pack a day for the same amount of time. I know I need to be strong now and do things for myself. I know this. But I also know, I'm also always thinking, "But wanting to be with him... isn't that something I want for myself too? Isn't trying to make things work, trying to give him what he needs, showing him I will do anything to make it work, that I could wait forever, isn't that doing something for myself as well as for him?" I also feel ashamed and selfish. I feel like he's always told me he would always be my bestfriend no matter what, and I always felt this way too, and now that things have gone down hill, he can live up to that, and I can't. Isn't that horrible of me? Isn't that petty and pathetic and selfish? But I know I'm hurting. I'm hurting because every time he smiles or laughs or talks to me like I'm so important, I can't help but realize I'm not allowed to say I love you, that he's not my significant other, that I won't be seeing him any time soon, that I won't be marrying him, that I'm not "the one" for him. I feel like a bad person, like, I'm not worth it. I feel like I want to prove that I am worth it, that I do truly love him and will never hurt him. I feel like these are all things I want to do because I love him, but then I get angry because... why put the effort into someone who doesn't want to put it back? I guess my emotions are just all over the place. I don't want you guys to think I'm not taking your advice, or I'm one of those lost-cases posters who just wants to hear the happy, blissful, magical, fairytale type solutions and endings, and to the realisitc ones, make up excuses to try to validate why you're all wrong. I'm not like that. I know what I should do, I just can't bring myself to do it. Where do I start, how do I go about it, etc. Why am I so weak?
D-Lish Posted October 3, 2006 Posted October 3, 2006 You're not weak LP, your in love. The absolute best way to handle this is to cut him off. He's being selfish and controlling by asking you to stay in contact with him. If there is any chance of reconcilation for you guys- you have to cut him off cold turkey. No explanations, no relapses- nothing. Trust me on this. you are at his beck and call- he knows where you are at night because you are talking to him on IM- so he knows you aren't out with anyone else. He needs to wonder about you- you need to be absent for him to realize what he has lost. Only then will his mind begin to take on the possibilities of life without you. It's so unfair what he is doing. He wants to have his cake and eat it too- don't enable this. It's going to be hard- but you have to do it. Don't tell him you're going to do it- just do it. It will have more of an impact this way. Disappear, and stick to it for at least two weeks- more if you can. Just let him turn on his computer one day and find you are not there. It will drive him crazy. One of two things will happen. He will work his ass off to get back together with you (he'd better- or you shouldn't take him back) or, you will move on and find someone else, worthy of your love and attention. Either way, you win. Good luck LP. Remember- don't tell him you're going into NC mode. Don't say good bye or return any messages. Let him deal with the rejection without closure for a change. It's your best and only option at this point. D
SuddenlyISee Posted October 3, 2006 Posted October 3, 2006 Leopard, I'm in the exact same position, maybe just slightly different. Would it be possible to e-mail you/IM you somewhere, and maybe we could help each other?
bella_girl Posted October 3, 2006 Posted October 3, 2006 Oh sweetie, I know and understand how you feel, I'm just a few months further down the track from you. Yes it is really hard to go cold turkey but look at what you have to gain: * Your self esteem * Clear and rational thinking * Not being at someone else's beck and call * confidence * freedom I know the freedom is a difficult one for you to see but you will be free of feeling crappy, free of worrying about what he's thinking doing etc... I gain more freedom each day in a mental and emotional way. I know it doesn't seem like this, but it's really a toxic relationship, how is it making you feel - like a mess. Why would you want to continue to live that way. You're not losing something that is already lost. You might want to be with him, but he doesn't know if he wants to be with you - and how can you accept that? Is throwing yourself on his mercy really doing something for you. You've given it a shot, a big shot, you gave it everything you had but there are two people in a relationship and currently it's not equal. I feel like he's always told me he would always be my bestfriend no matter what, and I always felt this way too, and now that things have gone down hill, he can live up to that, and I can't. Isn't that horrible of me? Isn't that petty and pathetic and selfish? No because you can be his friend in time, just not right now. He should understand that. But I know I'm hurting. I'm hurting because every time he smiles or laughs or talks to me like I'm so important, I can't help but realize I'm not allowed to say I love you, that he's not my significant other, that I won't be seeing him any time soon, that I won't be marrying him, that I'm not "the one" for him. Yes that sucks but you want to be with someone who you can say I love you, that you're secure in the knowledge that they want to be with you. That someone like him you wouldn't want to marry because you'd never know exactly where you stood and what if it happened again. I know it hurts because it feels like you're not enough for that person and you don't know why. But that's not true, they don't know what they want and why should you wait around for them to work out your the best thing in their life. You want to be with someone that loves and values you right? Well he doesn't. I know what I should do, I just can't bring myself to do it. Where do I start, how do I go about it, etc. Why am I so weak? You're not weak and you start today. Put a big circle on the calendar of when you're going to allow yourself to call him - I'd say in 4 weeks. Then the closer you come to that date, find excuses to put it off, like another 4 weeks (this makes NC easier and breaks it down into manageable chunks - you just never get to the contact point). Write a list of all the things you want to do: learn spanish, take up guitar, learn to cook, who knows... go out enrol in a course. Talk to everyone you can about how you feel... and remember HE'S NOT WORTH IT and YOU ARE.
Author leopardprint Posted October 3, 2006 Author Posted October 3, 2006 ...you have to cut him off cold turkey. No explanations, no relapses- nothing... Don't tell him you're going to do it- just do it. It will have more of an impact this way. Disappear, and stick to it for at least two weeks- more if you can. Just let him turn on his computer one day and find you are not there. It will drive him crazy.... ...Remember- don't tell him you're going into NC mode. Don't say good bye or return any messages. Let him deal with the rejection without closure for a change. D-Lish, I had a question about going NC without letting him know. I always believed, since we are bestfriends, and he is ony of the most important people in my life, that he has the right to know if I'm going NC. He knows about the concept, since I've told him many times. I know if he were going NC with me, I'd want to know, so I wasn't sitting around, not knowing what was going on, thinking the worse, thinking he hated me, thinking he wanted me out of his life forever, etc. Do you think if I do cut him off completely without his knowing, he will take it as a sign that I hate him or something? I'm scared of him being upset with me over it, of thinking I was unfair to him to just leave without a word when he's done his best to be there for me and still be my bestfriend, or him thinking I despise him and never want to hear or see him again. And what if he is just a generally confused and good guy, who thinks it's what I want and decides to respect my decision and never contact me ever again for my own decision of NC? Do you think he'd think those things or...? I know, personally, if he went NC without telling me, and I suddenly never heard from him again, I'd be utterly crushed - I'd just die. What do you think? SuddenlyISee, that would actually be great! I know LS.org rules say we can't post our IM names or email addys in threads, so I'm not exactly sure how to get in contact with you. I added you to my LS.org buddy list, hopefully we can do something with that.
scipio Posted October 3, 2006 Posted October 3, 2006 leopard, Notice that he is not compromising his position on not getting back with you,...AND YET HE WANTS YOU TO COMPROMISE YOUR POSITION ON NC!! He wants the best of both worlds. Tell him you cannot continue talking with him. If he asks why? Tell him its for the same reason he won't get back with you. As far as getting back together with him. You have to hedge your risks. If you continue doing what you're doing,..eventually the time will come when he doesn't need you anymore. But if he was planning on getting back with you eventually,...then forcing NC might prompt him to get back with you faster. Ofcourse theres the risk he won't get back with you,...but then atleast you can finally move on.
princessa Posted October 3, 2006 Posted October 3, 2006 Recently in my relationship I was reduced to the "I don't know and I'm not sure" type of reactions, along with breakups. That's cause the guy wasn't meeting my needs. But we loved eachother very much, so I didn't want to look elsewhere, but on the other hand I just couldn't tell whether I really wanted to stick with him seeing as how some need that were important to me weren't being met. So yeah, you didn't talk about WHY he broke up with you. Are you meeting his needs? Did you ask him? I really think you deserve at least an explanation from him on WHY he feels he cannot be in a relationship with you. That would give us something to work with.
princessa Posted October 3, 2006 Posted October 3, 2006 Also I mean, a lot of people are all like DO NC DO NC.. Seriously what is that gonna accomplish? You need as many answers as you can get, so as long as you guys are talking you should take advantage of that and probe him on the issues for your own knowledge of what went wrong. When you have a 80% clear picture of the situation in your head, then you'll be able to make a sound decision, and most importantly, stick with it. You went on for like 3 pages on how he broke up with you, yet you never said WHY. You never said what you did to improve the relationship and try to change his mind. So doing NC isn't gonna solve anything, you'll just end up going back to him in 2 weeks hoping that things will change, yet they wont cause you don't even know why he broke up in the first place.
Author leopardprint Posted October 3, 2006 Author Posted October 3, 2006 Hey everyone - sorry I missed your later post, bella_girl, you must have posted it as I was replying myself. Thanks again to everyone who has replied. It means so much that people are taking the time to read my long winded post and are actually giving me amazingly helpful - and quite touching - advice. You need as many answers as you can get, so as long as you guys are talking you should take advantage of that and probe him on the issues for your own knowledge of what went wrong. When you have a 80% clear picture of the situation in your head, then you'll be able to make a sound decision, and most importantly, stick with it. princessa, that's exactly one of the reasons I've been sticking around this entire time. You hit the nail in the head. I've tried to explain this to him, but I think he believes that I bring up "us" because I'm trying to pressure him into the decision. Our conversations are usually me saying, "What are you thinking?" a dozen times to try to understand him. Actually, last night when we were speaking about it, he started getting frustrated and said, "Do you understand where I'm coming from?" I admited I used to, but don't any more. I told him I WANT to understand, and I always have, because I want that much for him, and that much for myself. It's hard to understand when he only tells me "I don't know", and the information he DOES tell me seems so contradictory to things he's said in the past sometimes, so I get confused on where he's coming from. I ALWAYS want to know how HE feels and what HE is thinking. I do talk about myself and how I'm doing in the situation and how I feel, but I want him to speak more than myself most of the time. I want to understand, for his sake, and for the reasons you mentioned, "When you have a 80% clear picture of the situation in your head, then you'll be able to make a sound decision, and most importantly, stick with it." So yeah, you didn't talk about WHY he broke up with you. Are you meeting his needs? Did you ask him? I really think you deserve at least an explanation from him on WHY he feels he cannot be in a relationship with you. That would give us something to work with. I thought about posting all of that, but it would have made the original post much longer than it already is . I'm sorry I left you guys out of the blue, I really don't know how to make it short without leaving out extremely important events and issues. Here's me attempting to tell you, and hopefully, you guys won't have to assume or guess too much... We have been in an LDR for basically the entire relationship. The distance was rough; not in the fact that we didn't talk enough, or jealousy of other people, or trust issues, or anything like that. It was just tough because we missed eachother so incredibly much. I think because of this, we both kind of handled the distance wrong. It was all insecurities on both of our parts. I was insecure about him lossing interest because I wasn't around too much and because of personal insecurities about myself. There were times where he would become so unemotional and so unaffectionate (after we broke up, he told me he became like that because he was so boggled down with work and school that he was "just tired"), which is completely NOT like him (he is an extremely affectionate boy), that I would get scared and confront him about it. Sure I was upset, I was scared I was lossing the man I loved, and that's where his insecurities came from. He believed and assumed I wasn't happy. He told me he felt like nothing he was doing at the end was good enough and that he would never be good enough for me. He told me he only wanted to be "perfect", and he changed so many times, without ever telling me, to fix things. He never told me any of this while we were together, he would just try to fix problems on his own without ever working WITH me on them. He told me all this after he broke up with me. I was SHOCKED because he was my FAVORITE person in my life, and I loved him TO DEATH, and I just thought he knew that from everything I've always told him (I'm a very verbal person; I talk about everything, and I've always been there to tell him how I was feeling, the good and the bad, and mostly, the romantic). I guess it was wrong of me to assume he knew, maybe. I thought by telling him I missed him so much, it was showing how much I... well... missed him, and wanted to be with him, and how much he meant to me in my life. He saw the "I miss you"s as me complaining that he wasn't taking enough trips, or me being upset with him because he couldn't come and see me. That was NEVER my intention and I've never even said those things to him. Towards the end, we were just both frustrated with our own lives, that we missunderstood and just assumed things with one another. I think instead of talking, we began arguing because we just couldn't understand eachother. Maybe things were so rough, we were just taking them out on one another. It just got tough, and one night, he just said he couldn't handle it anymore. He said he's changed so much over time between everything he didn't know who he was anymore, and he wanted to take time to figure things out. He also said it hurt when we would fight, and it hurt him when I was upset. I've thought about everything so much these past couple of months. I've figured out what went wrong, and what needs to be done to fix it; to meet one another's needs, like you said. I think we just need to learn to be ourselves again. I think I need to get over my insecurities about myself, and not worry about him lossing interest like "other ex's in the past", because he's NOT those ex's, and I think he needs to get over his insecurities about not being good enough and being "the perfect boyfriend". I think we need to be more communitive, so we don't missunderstand each other, or assume things that aren't true. I think the distance thing needs to end, and although he always said he would move for me, I've offered to move to him, even within the next couple of months (which is nearly a year before we were originally supposed to). I realize things can't be the same, but I want to learn and grow WITH him, not FROM him.
bella_girl Posted October 4, 2006 Posted October 4, 2006 leopardprint - my god you're me... are you sure you arent! I spent the last 8-9 months of my relationship with my ex in an LDR. Though some things are different - I ended it. But I didn't feel I had any other option, he wasn't sure he wanted to be with me, he wanted to have a fling and he treated me pretty crap towards the end, not returning phone calls etc... Plus many other things but I wasn't ready to wait around for him to work out I was the best thing in his life (which I reckon i was ... And I got sick of the fighting and hurt. We then went through 3 months of crap that you're going through, him saying 'I don't know, I do want to be with you but...' I ran out of solutions and he didn't suggest any. I was prepared to move to be with him but he didn't like jump at the chance. So I said look I need some time out, I can't handle being friends right now. You go work out your stuff and I'll work out mine. He was REALLY upset about me saying I couldn't be friends, like REALLY upset. Even more than the break up I think. But as I said before the NC thing has given me clarity and piece of mind. But it is hard. So I think maybe you give this a time limit... contact him, tell him about the misunderstandings, how you'd like stuff to change, what you've changed, that you didn't mean to imply that he didn't visit enough. That you want to grow with him not from him. BUT remember there are two people in the relationship and he might not see it this way and might not be willing to revisit. It sounds from your conversation with him that he is pulling away. So give yourself a month... and then girl you have to get off the roundabout... because it's leading you no where and you can't continue to live like this... your emotions in a mess, feeling terrible etc etc... I think it's fine to tell people you're going NC. It's not like you hate them (well sometimes you do) but you can't be there for them as a friend and watch them date new people, give advice etc. My ex when we were talking said stuff like 'yeah there were some cute girls out last night' and that's when I knew I needed to end contact because I just didn't want to know these details. I don't know how the whole IM thing works (cos I'm an idiot) but if you work it out let me know!!! bella.
princessa Posted October 4, 2006 Posted October 4, 2006 Look, you guys are best friends. You've hit a rough patch. It's not like either one of you cheated, or said that there is no future for the relationship. You guys just are just putting one another under stress because YOUR insecurities create a reaction from HIM, in turn, HIS reaction creates more insecurities in YOU, which makes him shut off, which makes you question his love and your understanding of him, which makes you sad, which in turn makes him pissed off because he's making you sad and doesn't understand why. Now I might be wrong about this, but I see that you've stuck around for a while, so obviously your gut tells you that he's not just breaking up with you because he can't stand seeing you anymore. And I am also more than familiar with getting that mutual smiley feeling. So I'm going to assume that you guys should patch things up.... even if only to contradict all the LS pessimists up there Now, the FIRST and most important thing that you have to realize is.. He's a GUY, and YOU... well... AREN'T! Why am I stating the obvious? Well most of us, when we deal with people and try to be nice, function by the "Do onto others as you would have them do unto you" principle... which DOESN'T apply in male-female relationships when trying to meet your SO's needs and communicating with him. For example, when you're trying on a new dress and ask him if he likes it, and he goes "Meh..." and shrugs it off... you're probably thinking " !!! OMG I would have only said something like that if he was trying on a shirt and it was really hideous!! He must really hate this dress"... When in reality, the dress probably didn't mean that much to him because he was probably too busy checking out your shapely butt! That said, when you get reactions from him such as him telling you "i need time, i dont know, blah blah blah", him avoiding to talk about the relationship, etc etc. You make assumptions based on what it would have meant if YOU had acted like this in his place. Get it? You CANT understand where he's coming from based on your own typical set of reactions to the same situations. You can't assume that the fact that HE is avoiding talking to you about he relationship means that he only sees you as a friend simply because that's how you would react if you were only looking for friendship. You gotta understand your man and his reactions to things, and change your approach in talking to him so as to not trigger any reactions that will cause him to either shut off or feel inadequate to you. I've tried to explain this to him, but I think he believes that I bring up "us" because I'm trying to pressure him into the decision. Yes, he does. And he's probably sh** scared of it. So he ends up shutting off even more. You need to change your approach completely. You gotta learn talking to him gently, perhaps only implying some things here and there to gently poke the conversation in the direction you want it to go. Use WHAT IF's, analogies, things that are non threatening to him. Visit him and after you've had a great time, just slightly hint something to that effect and let him process it. These are just suggestions, I don't really know your guy and I wouldn't know what works with him. But the point is, make sure you don't pressure him. Actually, last night when we were speaking about it, he started getting frustrated and said, "Do you understand where I'm coming from?" I admited I used to, but don't any more. I told him I WANT to understand, and I always have, because I want that much for him, and that much for myself. It's hard to understand when he only tells me "I don't know", and the information he DOES tell me seems so contradictory to things he's said in the past sometimes, so I get confused on where he's coming from. Like I said, take a step back. It's normal for guys to retreat when they're put under pressure or demands that they can't deal with, apparently:rolleyes:. I had a hard time understanding that, but after reading tons and tons of web sites, I found out that it's quite common. It's lame, I know, but if you understand that you will feel much better about the whole thing. It's not personal, it's not that he doesn't want to confide in you, it's just that... tha't what guys do.... *BIG SHRUG* I ALWAYS want to know how HE feels and what HE is thinking. I do talk about myself and how I'm doing in the situation and how I feel, but I want him to speak more than myself most of the time. I want to understand, for his sake, and for the reasons you mentioned, "When you have a 80% clear picture of the situation in your head, then you'll be able to make a sound decision, and most importantly, stick with it." So anyways, once you understand that he's playing dummy only because deep down inside he's nothing but a scared and confused little child... once again, you need to take a step back. Yeah, you wanna know how he feels, yeah you want him to talk more. But don't PRESSURE HIM to do that! Give him a break. You need him to find himself in an environment where he feel safe. Show him a great time, show him you appreciate him. Make him feel worthy. Then.. SLOWLY, with baby steps, get him to talk... It was just tough because we missed eachother so incredibly much. I think because of this, we both kind of handled the distance wrong. It was all insecurities on both of our parts. I was insecure about him lossing interest because I wasn't around too much and because of personal insecurities about myself. There were times where he would become so unemotional and so unaffectionate (after we broke up, he told me he became like that because he was so boggled down with work and school that he was "just tired"), which is completely NOT like him (he is an extremely affectionate boy), that I would get scared and confront him about it. Sure I was upset, I was scared I was lossing the man I loved, and that's where his insecurities came from. He believed and assumed I wasn't happy. He told me he felt like nothing he was doing at the end was good enough and that he would never be good enough for me. He told me he only wanted to be "perfect", and he changed so many times, without ever telling me, to fix things. He never told me any of this while we were together, he would just try to fix problems on his own without ever working WITH me on them. He told me all this after he broke up with me. Again, when us chicks miss somebody, we will cry and scream and be all sad and all that crap. That SCAREESSSSSSS THEM. They don't know what to do with all these foreign emotions. So they end up getting insecure and feeling inadequate. Which is the worst that you could do to a guy's ego.... He tried to fix things on his own side, but just like YOU dont understand HIS reactions, he didnt understand YOUR needs, and that's why you didn't notice any of these things. Cause both your needs are different. What he thought would be a priority improvement to the relationship might have been a really low priority thing on YOUR list. Maybe things were so rough, we were just taking them out on one another. It just got tough, and one night, he just said he couldn't handle it anymore. He said he's changed so much over time between everything he didn't know who he was anymore, and he wanted to take time to figure things out. He also said it hurt when we would fight, and it hurt him when I was upset. Well that's pretty much the climax of the chaotic mess that you get when there's no mutual understanding. Anyway, you seem like you have a good base with this guy, and hopefully you can at least be able to talk sometime soon. But like I said, take it really really slow. It's most important for guys to feel like you're having a great time with them. Don't pressure him to always talk about the relationship. Brace yourself and just sprinkle in one or two questions at a time when you feel he's ready to handle it. Best of luck!
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