How to get rid off revengeful thoughts?

Getting rid off the anger seems at times still impossible. It has been 8 months since my husband of 20 years left me and our 4 children for a friend of mine. She is almost 20 years older than him , and looks it too. They have been having un affair for quite some time before he left us. I always suspected it, but never wanted to believ it.

He parades with her downtown , kissing, hugging making people's heads turn because she is so much older. People are disgusted, but him and her do not care.She feels of course like a million bucks. A young hunk left his wife and kids to be with her. This is really a testimony og love!

He has not seen his children in months. My daughter called him yesterday and asked for a ride. SHe asked if he could get her "alone". Well , the other woman was with him , and he refused to get rid of her to pick up his child. All he said, was " I am sorry you feel that way" ,and he did not pick her up.

As a 15 year old teenager, it was hard to be so obviously rejected by your own father.

I am so angry at him and her. I want him to hurt , like we are.

It is not fair that he gets happiness and we are miserable.

We are in counseling but the revengeful thoughts will not go away.

Any suggestions?

You are in counseling as a married couple and he's still with the other woman? Or are you all in individual counseling.......????

There are a couple of posts on Separation and Divorce that relate to your topic. Not necessarily the revenge part but everything else. Look for posts from Devildog, Yikes and Owl.

Are you looking to repair your marriage?? Or just be able to move on?

What good to you think would come from getting revenge? Do you want to get it on him or her? What type of example would this set for your children?

Think carefully before you do anything- those type of things can lead to termination of your employment (there has been a post on LS about that recently) as well as legal trouble.

The Ultimate Revenge is... Letting go, living well and being happy inspite of what he's doing...

Wouldn't matter if the OW was the same age, younger, beatiful, ugly whatever... your husband is a sh*thead no matter the circumstances...

So with that said... keep on going honey... find courage when you feel scared, lead with your head not with your heart and hold your head high that you're still you and amazing with or without this idiot.

Good Luck

Originally posted by Merin

The Ultimate Revenge is... Letting go, living well and being happy inspite of what he's doing...

This is so true!!! I wish I could be like that but I am way too vengeful. Even though I know it's best for me to not do anything and just let go of it I can't help myself!

During my lurking days, I read someone give great advice (dont know who, sorry). The OW is seen as a princess rescuing her prince from the evil wife. Dont give her any reason to continue believing this. Revenge will only emphasis what your ex has told her, and it makes their relationship "stronger". You're not the evil person he told her you were. Dont go for revenge. Be the amazing kind person you are, wish them well (even if it's just in your head), and get on with your life.

gosh. This whole situation is one big slap in the face to you

Look on the bright side...she's old...she'll be dead in a couple of years, and he'll be devistated by being alone at such a young age.

Bwa ha ha

Originally posted by Monday

gosh. This whole situation is one big slap in the face to you

 

Look on the bright side...she's old...she'll be dead in a couple of years, and he'll be devistated by being alone at such a young age.

 

Bwa ha ha >

...and give yourself a break - only 8 months has passed after a 20 year marriage, it takes time to get over this stuff and some of it (like how he treats the kids) you will probably NEVER get over, you just have to accept. I still have moments where I see red and it's been almost 2 years - I think the first year was definitely the hardest though, it started getting easier after passing the 1 year mark.

My older son complained to me that his Dad brought the GF everywhere and he just wanted alone time with his Dad. His Dad complained to me that my son never wanted to see him. Sooo, in a quiet moment when my son was not around I told his Dad. The next time my son went to see his Dad, he suggested they go to dinner alone. In front of the GF. My son being a gentleman asked if the GF was coming, she said no - you two go out alone, I'll just get something here. So even though his Dad tried to do the right thing, he and his GF made my son feel badly about excluding her.

You can't win.

It will get better though, get busy and be the good parent.

Revenge will only emphasis what your ex has told her, and it makes their relationship "stronger". You're not the evil person he told her you were.

I really liked what you said.

I should wish them well. It is his loss for abandonning his own children. He can never make up for that.

I just hope some day he/ they will get what they got coming!!!

Originally posted by Arnika

I really liked what you said.

I should wish them well. It is his loss for abandonning his own children. He can never make up for that.

I just hope some day he/ they will get what they got coming!!!

Yeah I dont know who originally stated that, but it definitely helped me during my revenge period. When I find myself in that state, I try not to do any actions. I let the anger pass for a few days, and then decide if the action is something I really want to do. My ex is still lying to many people in our lives and out of revenge I would love to go telling everyone what he's done to me. His story to me is completely different than what he's telling other people and it really pisses me off. To other people, he's saying "We grew apart. I care for her deeply", all that BS. What he refuses to admit to them is 1) he never tried to work it out, 2) he cheated on me, 3) he abused our friend's trust by cheating on me with one of their friends. But for me to tell all his secrets would make me look like the really evil one, and would only justify the crap he's told this ow. Sooner or later the OW will see that he's a liar, or she's as despicable as he is, in which case they deserve each other.

Arnika, I totally understand the desire for vengence. You feel like causing them to suffer would make you feel a whole lot better. I had plenty of moments where I just wanted to cave in the skull of the "friend" who interfered in my marriage and ended up leading to my divorce. But it wouldn't have accomplished anything.

And here is what happened that made me glad I didn't sink to that level. Everyone saw what was going on. I need to give a little background here for you. My XW and I lost our daughter 11 days after she was born. There is nothing more devestating than that. While we were both in the deepest level of hell struggling with our grief, this "friend" decided it was the perfect opportunity to come over to my house and be a shoulder for my XW to cry on while I was at work.

So because I didn't sink to the level of vengence, everyone, including my XW's family, saw her as a cold, heartless person for what she was doing and the "friend" as a lying, horrible snake that would use the loss of a child to break up a family. So they are both miserable, his family's business suffers. Everyone saw what was going on, everyone tried to warn them both, and they ignored and flaunted it in everyone's faces.

I still bump into my XW's aunts and uncles and they still talk to me, still harbor a degree of anger at my XW for what she did.

Your (ex?)-husband will eventually have to face the consequences of his decision without any help from you. On his death-bed, when he has no children or grandchildren at his side because he turned his back on his family, that will be his ultimate punishment.