Girlfriend in Iraq (army) broke up with me because I made her feel unimportant...help

Okay, Hi everyone. I need your help. Its a long story, and I'm desperate. So if you are sincere in helping me with this problem, it may take a LOT of reading. I really feel that there is a chance for me to get back together with this girl, but I'm just not sure what to do. I didn't cheat on her or anything, but I did do some really bad things like, not calling her on Christmas (even though I sent her a package that arrived on Xmas eve), and I was late for Valentines day, and for the first few months she was there, I didn't call her. I made her feel unimportant and in the end, she gave me a slew of reasons why she thought we should just be friends. Anyway, the summary is as follows:

I'm 25, I meet this girl last summer, she's 20 and fresh out of boot camp. We fall in love with eachother. She falls faster than I however. But then we find out that she has to go to Iraq to serve an 18month term. I immediately start to feel hurt, and start subconsiously distancing myself from her, EVEN THOUGH, we agreed to work through it together. I end up acting like a fool and a jerk towards her, and mistakes were made.

To give a little background - I WAS a big time pot smoker, which ended up causing a lot of problems, one of which was neglecting my girlfriend. I would smoke to get away from my stresses and forget about everything, including to call her and stuff. I have since quit, and am going strong.

She is from Brasil. She moved here when she was 12. She didn't know how to speak english and was made fun of in the school systems. She hated everyone, and her parents were abusive. She has a hard time trusting people, so when she trusted me and I made her feel unimportant, she shut down completely. There's got to be hope for me though. I've realized my mistakes, I have gone to counselling and have learned about myself and I really do love her and have made the best effort I can to turn my life around. I know she loved me dearly at one point (less than 6 months ago) and she's talking to me again, but reminded me that we are "just friends".

Sincerely,

MissingLove

well fist off, bloody hell! its 3am here now after reading those emails but i couldnt stop, and ive got important coursework to still work through! anyway, ive been in a LDR for 10 months now, and i love the girl SO f***IN MUCH!

after reading those emails, i think you BOTH have issues to be honest, the way she just blanked you for weeks and even then didnt say anything encouraging seemed to take the relationship to the brink! then your resulting and understandable desperation gave her an excuse, in a way i suppose.

pal, you seem TOTALLY smitten! but hey, its obvious she is reluctant to get into a relationship after the way you acted while shes been gone, so id meet her in person and talk face to face, AS FREINDS! then hopefully the feelings she has for you that shes been hopefully bottling up inside or ignoring will comeout. but if what youve got is true love and your "freakinout is well and truelly behind you, then it WILL work. I just hope that that bastard war hasnt changed her too much.

the best of luck!

I haven't read the e-mails but it seems to me that if you made her feel unimportant the remedy is surely to make her feel important again consistently by being in regular contact and maybe sending small tokens, articles from magazines on subjects that interest her emails etc... until she can trust in your love again this way you have a chance to prove that she is important to you. Whatever her feelings she will I am sure will appreciate this being so far away from home

I skimmed through the emails, so I apologize if I missed anything, but that is a whole lot of reading. A few things here:

- Did you ask the gf about posting these online? These are private emails that I know I wouldn't want to be sharing with everyone. I know you just want everyone to understand the full situation, but I think the above summary is sufficient, and then we could ask anything else we need. Just my opinion.

- I almost quit reading after the first few pages of emails because you sounded like a total loser. However, after you kicked your pot habit, my opinion changed drastically. You sound a lot more clear in your thoughts and your future. So I give you kudos for doing it.

- I may have missed it, but you have you tried reconciling with your parents. With you no longer being a pothead, if you haven't already, now is a good time to see if they will give you a fresh start. It does appear important to your gf, and most women buy into the saying that how you treat your mother is usually a good indication of how you will treat her. I don't know you, your mom, or the history there, but I think you should try to work things out, for everyone involved.

- You guys have had a lot of obstacles placed before you over the past few months - obviously, the distance, your pot use, her lack of internet access, and the difficulty each of you had to face in the past months. During that time, it seemed like each of you expect the other to show understanding and appreciation of the other, when it was really difficult because each of you had your own life to take care of at a time when it was not easy. Hopefully, most or all of these hurdles will be gone when she comes back. I am a little concerned though if either you face another crisis in the future, whether you will be able to fight through these things together. Only time will tell whether both of you have the commitment and love for each other to do this.

- I do feel the love that both of you have for each other. Because of this, and because you have somewhat been able to weather these storms, I think it is still possible for you to reassess where you stand once she comes back.

- Until then, since things are going better for you now (congrats on the job-one that a lot of guys would love to have), it is imperative for you to be there for her in any way she needs right now. It may not be fair for it to be one-sided at this time, but I think you do need to go out of your way to respect her needs and give her what she wants - whether it be space or whether it be affection. Your last email saying how strong she is was more of what she needs right now.

It's been hard for both of you and I admire the strength both of you have had in trying to keep the love alive and to become better people. I hope this story has a happy ending.

Wow that is quite a story. Hang in there bro, I went thru something a little bit similar in an LDR, like you I was a little late to show (or even realise) my feelings for her and she dumped me while she was away, basically bcos my emails were too short and bcos I didn't sign off 'Love-'. Stupid since I really do love her. Like Audi she didnt give any warning, just said she wanted to be friends. Only when I got angry did she suddednly blow up and come out with the above reasons, she was really mad at me.

Anyway, how I got her back is by apologisign a lot, she said still just wanted to be friends so I started just being casual normal and friendly with her on email, not any romantic stuff at all, I backed off and just acted nice. She came home a month or so later and we met up, straight away we got on like a house on fire, chatted all day and I was very careful to stay off the topic of 'us'. We got back together!

I would say hang in there. She's unlikely to want to get back together while she's still away, just make sure you see her when she's back, and make sure it's in a date kind of environment, like a first date.

A good sign is that Audis already saying its like talking to a different person... that's the direction you should be going in.

Well, she sent me an email, thanking me for my package, but then she went on to talk about how she was going to go back to Iraq as a contractor to make a lot of money after she comes back from her term. She talked about bringing her family out there too to work, cuz she could get them decent paying jobs unlike the ones they have right now in the states.

I've been backing off for quite some time now, trying to keep things light, and off the topic of "us" like you had done. But when she told me what her plans for the future were, I had to send her "THE" letter. I sent her everything about how I felt, and in the end, I asked her to marry me. We'll see how this turns out...I don't expect her to say yes, but at least she'll know how I feel, and I know I risk pushing her away with it.

I'll keep you all posted.

Well, she responded, and I think I completely shocked her with my last email which included a proposal. She did not say yes, but she did not say no. She said that it was difficult for her, being so far away, to truely know or believe that I feel the way I say I do, or that I have changed the way I say I have. She told me to wait until she comes home, so that she can see for herself. I told her she had as much time as she wanted.

Since then she has been calling me every morning. talking to me for over an hour each time. She bought my mother a mother's day gift and is having it sent to her. She also bought me something, I don't know what, she says its a surprise. She's also been very inquisitive as far as asking me for details about how I've changed, or why I feel the way I do towards her. She wants to know if I talk to my mom about "us" and what her reaction is, and what the reaction of my friends who I've spoken to about "us" has been. She asked me why I wanted to be with her, and I wrote her a very long letter giving all the reasons. And now I'm awaiting a response to that...

again...I'll let you know how it goes, and in the meantime, if anyone feels like tossing their .02 my way, I'd appreciate it.

-Missing Love

Originally posted by 96GSX

Well, she responded, and I think I completely shocked her with my last email which included a proposal. She did not say yes, but she did not say no. She said that it was difficult for her, being so far away, to truely know or believe that I feel the way I say I do, or that I have changed the way I say I have. She told me to wait until she comes home, so that she can see for herself. I told her she had as much time as she wanted.

 

Since then she has been calling me every morning. talking to me for over an hour each time. She bought my mother a mother's day gift and is having it sent to her. She also bought me something, I don't know what, she says its a surprise. She's also been very inquisitive as far as asking me for details about how I've changed, or why I feel the way I do towards her. She wants to know if I talk to my mom about "us" and what her reaction is, and what the reaction of my friends who I've spoken to about "us" has been. She asked me why I wanted to be with her, and I wrote her a very long letter giving all the reasons. And now I'm awaiting a response to that...

 

again...I'll let you know how it goes, and in the meantime, if anyone feels like tossing their .02 my way, I'd appreciate it.

 

-Missing Love

I'd say that you stuck your balls on the line and it looks like it may have paid off! Just sustain this effort & attention and I think you will win her back.

Yes, thats exactly what happened, and that is what I've been doing, and YES its working. She's still not quite opening up, she told me she didn't want to, but she's definitely been talking about hypothetical scenarios where her and I are living together and stuff. Talking about what our kids will look like. Telling me that her stomach is full of butterflies, and telling her MOM, who ends up telling me that she loves me and that she wants to know what her mom thinks about her getting married when she comes home. Tis going well. I will keep you all posted.

-ML

Ok, latest update. We talk on the phone every single day. She still hasn't given me an answer yet. She said she knows what her answer is, but that she doesn't want to let me know just yet (whatever that means). She expects me to ask her when she comes home for 2 weeks in June, and she said that maybe I shouldn't ask her then, because she would have to leave again, and she would rather be home for good, not having to worry about leaving again before I ask her.

She said, "Plus, say you ask me in June, and I give you an answer, and then I got back to Iraq and something happens to me, ever think about that?"

I said, "yeah, and thats exactly why I want to ask you."

She said, "well, you know you have to ask my parents first."

I said, "I did."

She argued, "no you didn't"

I said, "yes I did."

She said, "No, they would have told me."

I said, "well then you're gonna hear about it."

She said, "What did they say?"

I said, "they both said that it was okay with them."

She said, "Thats it? Just like that? What did they say exactly...like word for word?!?!?!"

I said, "find out from them".

She said, "..........well...........then do whatever is in your heart."

Our conversation ended as I had to go to work, and she emailed me saying that I could ask her when she comes home if I wanted to. So now I'm freakin out, shopping for rings, not knowing if she's really gonna say yes or not, but I'm hopeful, because the most recent good news I got was that she told me she loved me...although it wasn't on her own. I emailed her saying that it was difficult for me to keep my head up and move forward with whats in my heart when whats in my heart doesn't tell me that she loves me back. She responded telling me that she does indeed love me, but that I have to understand that it makes her feel vulnerable to say it...

"Serious thought now,

I do love you. I don't know if your going to understand this, but I

feel volnurable saying it. It's so powerful, and you crushed it at

first. I don't want to just say it in an e-mail or over the phone. One

of the reasons is because I want to look into your eyes.

I hope you understand. I wouldn't go through all of been through and

still talk to you if I didn't. So just have patience.

LOVE!!!!!

(her name)."

So...I think things are going well...she still doesn't say the "L" word on the phone, or write it in her emails other than this 1 time, but I'm trying not to let it get to me. I think its gonna take a lot of time for her to completely open up. Lemme know what you all think.

Regards,

ML

Hi ML,

Are you still around? I was just wondering how it's going with you guys... I'm in a similar situation and can really understand how you're feeling.

Cumunolimbus

Ok, well just to let you know, she came home for her 2 week break 3 weeks ago. Spending time together seemed to have been the needed ingredient. We took the first week kinda easy, just enjoying eachother's company, the 2nd week, we talked about everything that happened, joked about it a little, and well, to make a long story short, we are now engaged.