So Confused and in love!!

Well here is my story. I have been working with this MM for almost two years now. I have like him since I first started, but I knew he was married so I kept those feelings to myself. About three weeks ago he came by my house like he has done a couple of times before to drink a beer or two and just talk.

Well, this night was different. He told me that he was going to have to leave soon because he wasn't going to be able to control himself any longer. When I asked him what that meant he came out and told me that he wanted to kiss me badly. So I let him. After that he told me that he has liked me for the longest time. He had to leave but before he left he asked me if it would be ok if we "hooked up" again in the future. I said yes!

When we went back to work we both pretended like nothing happened. We would talk on the phone and he would stop by my house whenever he got a chance (which is not often) so we could see each other. Last week, he came over. He left his friends house from watching the football game. He never misses football!!! He left early to see me. We kissed and held each other and he started telling his feelings for me.

He said that he was falling in love with me. He told me that there was no way for me to understand how he feels for me. He said he hasn't felt this way in over 10 years. Well, since he met his wife. He said he thinks about me ALL the time even at home. His wife has even asked him what has been bothering him. He just says he frustrated from work. He says I'm making him go crazy. He feels stuck and confused. He always tells me how much he wants to be with me and how if we were together he would do this and that for me and I wouldn't have to worry about him cheating because he would never want to leave my side.

This past Sat. he came over after being shopping out of town with his wife. Right away I knew something was wrong. He looked sad. I asked him what was wrong and he said nothing. So I asked him if we should stop seeing eachother. He said he had been doing a lot of thinking. He said he had been going crazy for days thinking about what to do. So right there we were going to end it. I told him I wouldn't call him any more and I would just see him at work. He asked if we could still go to lunch together. I said no because it would be too hard for me. He said that would be even worse if we stopped spending time together. He siad he still wanted to hang out and spend time with me at work. I told him in order for me to get over him I would need my space. We said goodbye, he left, and I cried.

That was hard. I got in my car and went for a drive. Ten minutes later he called to check on me. He said he felt terrible and he missed me already and he wanted to see me. We met and he went for a drive. We talked, kissed, and laughed. It was wonderful. He held me and it felt so good. That night we were together till 4 am. His wife had called at 10 pm. for him to come home. He went home and knew he was in trouble. He told me that it was worth it.

Now, I'm so confused. I'm falling in love with him too. Me and him are so great for eachother. It is nothing sexual. He have not had sex. I mean of course we're sexually attracted to each other, but it's more than that. We have a great connection and it hurts to think about losing what we have.

I just wanted to tell you, take a step back and think about what you are doing while you still have the ability to walk away.

He said he would never cheat on you because he cares so much right? How do you know he never told his wife that same thing 10 years ago? All those things he said he would do for you if you were together? Again Im sure he told HER the same thing.

I am not here to judge you I was in a relationship for two years with taken but not yet married man, So I know what it feels like to find someone who you adore who takes your breath away but I never once told my self to think about what i was doing untill it was too late, I was stuck and I was in love.

And guess what? I walked away because the pain was too much, maybe i thought he would come to me, and maybe i thought he would beg me to stay, but you know what he is with her still and i left him two years ago. I have moved on with my life and yet the pain i felt from loosing him still hurts as though it happened to me yesterday.

I only wish i was in your position.....able to walk away and think twice before you know it and years have passed and you are still the O/W spending nights and holidays alone because although it was worth it the first time....he won't always want to "get introuble". I am not telling you what to do..I only hope you think about it and think long and hard.....I'm telling you once you keep going forward there is NO turning back and the pain takes alot of time and thought into other things to go away....Maybe I'm doing something wrong but two years later I am still paying for what I did.

I get how you feel and I'm sure it feels great. My suggestion would be to talk to him, tell him to talk to his wife about how is feeling about you. If he really is falling inlove with you then he should end his marriage with his wife first. Thing is, even if he does that, there is still grieving on his behalf of the loss of his marriage and wife. To jump out of one relationship and into another so fast is not right either.

I am not judging you either, just be really careful. Is it more than a sexual feelng with him? Or do you really love him?

I understand that you have strong feelings, but come on. He's married. I don't mean to sound unsympathetic. I've been there. Obviously, this man is telling you all of the things you want to hear, and maybe he feels he means them. And you obviously feel strongly for him. But think about his wife for a moment. And think about the fact that even if you keep this going and he does go with you, there's a good chance you will be in her shoes someday. After all, he took sacred vows with her and they mean nothing now. If he can do that, he can cheat on you...easy. Regardless of what he says. He's in heat right now, and he'll say anything that sounds good. You know what they say...men who burn so hot for a mistress cool down fast when the mistress starts acting like a wife. Please think long and hard about walking away from this. It is not a healthy situation to be in and if you keep going you will regret it.

I agree with what the above posters are saying.

You may be looking back years from now and wishing you had walked away when you had the chance.

Yeah, it will hurt. But not as much as it will hurt after a years-long involvement. Do you really want all that drama?

Emotional wreckage takes a long time to recover from. It IS like having a physical injury. Don't put yourself on the train tracks with the train heading full speed towards you and tell yourself, "But Love is worth the risk..."

I'll tell you what...it's NOT.

Tell him your terms are that he get divorced. If he REALLY loves you that much, he'll do it.

If he doesn't, well then he's 'conflicted' or 'confused' or wants to avoid confrontation. Which means he's flaky.

Walk away.

What I would do is tell him that you cannot be friends with him until he's left his wife, as that wouldn't be honest of either of you. Let him know that after the divorce is final and he's single you'll consider seeing him. You won't wait, but if you're not involved you may think about hooking up.

Don't allow him access to you via friendship. He knows how you feel, and is looking to keep you on a leash for emotional release later on.

Actually, that's not what I would do because I probably would have f*cked him already-but HEED my words....

Tabatha?...If you don't mind my asking, is this man older than you? And if so, can you tell us by how many years?

I'm sensing a may/december kind of thing here. But I could absolutely be wrong. I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that it isn't someone taking advantage of someone younger or a bit more naive.

It's those pesky "maternal" instincts I've been trying to supress for years.

What is the May/December kind of thing?

Yes he is older than me. I'm 22 and he is 30.

g_tabatha,

You're young for such a roller coaster. Save yourself while you can.

Thanks Fanou...I'm trying really hard to sit on my hands. Dogs like this make me want to vomit.

what is the may/december thing? I'm curious! I know that I'm young, but I have grown up a lot over the past two years. I have a son now. He's going to be two in Nov. I feel like I should be looking for someone to settle down with since his father chose not to be with me or in his son's life. I know this situation with the MM isn't ideal, but my fantasy overwhelms me. He is good with my son also. He has two sons of his own and I know he is a good father.

In this case there is nothing left aside from the ultimatum.

Tell him once he divorces he can be with you. Otherwise you cannot have more than a professional relationship with him. I would also start looking for another job too.

grr...up....mmm....$%#@!!

Please Tabatha...you don't want to get me started cause I may not shut up!

I'm really, really trying here NOT to get too emotionally envolved because I know for all my trying I will be devastated in the end if you end up hurting yourself, anyway. This "empathy" thing is a real b*tch for me because I honestly DO care what happens to people. TOO much!

But if I could just leave you with one thing, perhaps it should be this...

He has two sons of his own and I know he is a good father.

A GOOD father would be home spending quality time with his wife and sons...NOT lying to his family, NOT cutting out to watch ballgames, NOT sneaking off to pork the young naïve secretary behind their mommy's back, and NOT playing good daddy to some other little boy!!

THIS is someone else's damaged goods...NOT a good replacement father figure for your own son!!

Oh my God...someone please stop me!...Or better yet, someone please stop this poor woman!

Please tell me you are just messing with our heads before I faint…

A GOOD father would be home spending quality time with his wife and sons...NOT lying to his family, NOT cutting out to watch ballgames, NOT sneaking off to pork the young naïve secretary behind their mommy's back, and NOT playing good daddy to some other little boy!!

A good FATHER is not quite the same as a good HUSBAND.

But I agree with Enigma to a point, this doesn't sound like much else except a fantasy and you'd do well to ignore him. If he was REMOTELY serious about anything with you he would be leaving his wife, which he's not.

A good FATHER is not quite the same as a good HUSBAND.

I couldn't agree more.

I think many MM actually believe that husband = father, that is, without being a husband, without remaining "married" (in the legal, live-there, bathe-there, pay-bills-there sense), they will not be able to be a good father. They believe that if they cannot wake up and go to bed in the same home as their children every night that they are not being a good father.

This I disagree with. I think being a good father is about giving love to children, respecting their mother (not necessarily living with her), and setting a good example about what a healthy relationship is about. If they can't respect her (i.e., they cheat) or demonstrate a good healthy relationship (i.e., cheat, beat, yell at, etc.), then they shouldn't remain in the same home as that woman - they should divorce.

But even with this belief, they remain married. Many for eons and eons, not even cheating or whatever, but just bc they are too afraid of losing their children.

Which makes me wonder - when people DO get divorced, is there ever a situation where the father does actually get to spend about 1/2 of the time (or more?) with the children??

And you consider yourself particularly enlightened Enigma? Sometimes the best dose of reality comes from recognizing the same chord in someone elses posts-and seeing the futility of the situation.

yes, there are situations where the split is 50/50. i believe it's called shared joint custody. that's what my husband asked for. while i believe he truly loves his children, having them half time "conflicts" with his schedule. while i'm sure there are many dads out there who would love that type of split my attorney (a man) cautioned me that many men do it for appearances sake, or so they can argue that they should give less child support. this ended up being my case. my exs argument, which he lost, was that he should only have to give 1/2 of the child support, until my attorney, and his, explained to him that most of my expenses would remain the same regardless of whether i had the kids half time or more. and i have them well over half the time, and financially it is more of a burden. idiot that i am, because i wanted out, i settled for less child support than i should have and because the kids are with me more, i end up with more day to day expenses, birthday gifts for friends, etc.

on a more positive spin, my kids can't imagine it any other way. although they feel bad sometimes that his schedule and time with his girlfriend impact his time with them, they told me just the other day that because of the split we decided on, they felt like they didn't have to choose one parent over the other and that it's fair.

unfortunately he has some trouble relating to his kids and they've talked to him several times about ignoring them when they're there. he drags them to his office because he's soooo important that he can't schedule meetings around his time with his kids. i do try as much as i can and i know he can too since he rearranges things for other committments.

so yes, it does exist and i'm sure it really can work, but there are some definite potential problems.