For All The Other Women!!!!

Let me start off by telling all the OW out there that I understand you 100%. I know that it's not that we chose to live this kind of life (who would?) but it just happened. It's hard to let go because you love that man!!! It's very easy for other people to judge you as a bitch, but they do not know the sorrow that you carry in your heart. When he's around you are very happy and all that happiness makes up for the moments of sorrow and loneliness, when you know deep down in your heart that he's with his wife in THEIR home, whether they get along or not. There are also other OW that are clueless about the fact that the man is married. But with time you will realize that a relationship like that can really leave scars in your heart!

I hope not to bore you with the following lines, but i trully believe that I have a success story and I really want all you OW that are tired of always suffering and wondering if he's with his wife to know that you can do it. You can move on and I promise you the world will not come to an end EVEN though at times you might wanted to come to an end.

I asked for help a couple of months ago and I got the same advice as most of the OW here.... Leave him, if he lied to his wife he will lie to you. Can you really live comfortably with him with-out thinking he will do the same thing to you? If you like you can see the other posts and you'll see they are like most of yours. We have known each other since we were babies in diapers and we where together before he got married however faith or destiny seperated us.

The reason that i seeked help was because it was slowly killing my soul to go through all these worries and pain. I knew that he honestly did not love his wife and he was just with her because of their daughter. Every time we were together I felt the connection that we had or probably still have. I felt that he completed me and made me the happiest woman alive, but I realized that was not true because I sure was not happy when he was not around!!!

After some time he left his wife for me and I felt terrible. My guilt did not let me enjoy the fact that he was now "mine". I felt real bad for his daughter even though he's a GREAT dad and I knew he was always going to be there for his daughter I felt that his place was at home with his baby. I love him so much that I cared for his daughter with true and honest love. He tried to reassure me that either way he would have left her, but that did not ease my suffering it was worse than when we were seeing each other behind close doors. My intentions were never to hurt anyone especially not his daughter, she's only 1 year old. When things start off bad most likely they will have a BAD ending, things would have never worked out. I tried to deal with everything that was going on. I tried to let him go but he kept saying no.

Finally after a few weeks I spoke with my brother and he made me realize a lot of things. I love this man, but I had to stop being selfish and put other people's feelings first. I always tell myself that MY feelings and what I want should come first and not care what other people want because they do not care what I want, but not this time!!!! I did what I tought was impossible and that was leaving him. It broke my heart in pieces, but I did it.

I changed my number. I told my sister not to pass me his phone calls at home. I changed my e-mail address. I even changed my extension number at work!!! Not because I do not love him but it was time to start brand new. I love myself and I know that I am a beautiful person inside and out....I know I deserve better. At first he tried to reach me in every single way possible and when he got a hold of me I did the most hurtful thing, but I had to, I told him that it was just a fling for me and that he never mattered to me before ratherless now. He got very upset and has not looked for me since. I have to say that was the hardest thing for me to do. I cried for a week straight after I MADE myself get out of bed and keep on as if nothing had happen. I still love him and I think that I will always have a special place in my heart for him but I have to admit that I took a big load off my back.

Now I feel happy, I'm not going to lie I think about him every day, but I feel good about myself. I can walk without any shame. Best of all I do not live with all those questions in my head, Is he going to do it to me? Will he go back to her? Is he lying to me? Is he with her now? I do not worry about when is he going to call or any other worries OW have. I'm not depressed any more. I do not even feel the urge to call him anymore. I love this feeling.....I feel like myself again.

One thing I will say is that I will never trade my memories with him because he showed me how to love without limits. This experience made me stronger and helped me value myself more than before.

If you think that you cannot do it I assure you that it's possible you just need will-power and love for yourself. After you will feel much better; all those mixed feelings and agony will be gone. If you just try it I promise you will feel much better. I know it seems impossible but it's not and I know it seems that the worls will end without him, but it wont.

Good Luck to all of you. I know how hard it is.

[color=violet][/color] Everything you said I can relate to, and your right, but I don't want to leave- what choices do i need to think about? How long can it last? So many unawnsered things, I can't just leave. I have found the love of my life.

Kitten,

So you are happy living the life that you are? If the answer is yes then go ahead, I cannot convince you that it's wrong. Maybe things will work out for you and him.

The truth is that if YOU don't want leave then no one will be able to convince you of doing so.

Good Luck!

thanks for the advice, i am truly happy right now, but am worried about how long i will be able to stay this way. My worst fear is letting something go and never knowing if i made the right decision. your thoughts?

I'm not afraid of leaving him, I'm afraid of the PAIN of leaving him. You're right, there is a huge amount of selfishness involved on both sides. He and his wife don't have any children (which I secretly love), but they are a young couple and eventually I'm sure it will happen. He does love her, there was never any question about that, but I fill a hole in his life and blah blah blah.....we've all heard it before.

He makes me feel more loved than any man ever has, I am 16 years older than he is (he's 26) and he makes me feel like the sexiest most beautiful and desireable woman in the world. He tells me he was fantasies about kdnapping me and keeping me and we even acted it out when he put me in the back of his service van and drove around for a few minutes. I should probably be shocked...afraid by this? I'm not because I am so caught up in the fact that he WANTS me...no matter what bizarre form it takes.

I wish I had your strength and will power. I don't and I feel hopeless and useless. I even have a full page goodbye speech written and ready to go. All I have to do is say it. All I have to do is turn off my cell phone (he does not have my home number). I know why I behave like this, I know what I have to do. I just won't do it.

While I liked most of your post, I must take issue with this statement.

I know that it's not that we chose to live this kind of life (who would?) but it just happened.

Bull. Everybody chooses their own path. Everybody can have control over their life and their decisions. You are not a child. Take ownership of your actions. To completely heal, I think you need to come to grips with the reality that you CHOSE to be the OW because you wanted to.

Kitten,

I understand you more than a 100%!!! I also use to worry that I was letting go of the love of my life. I worried and agonized over the fact that he could be the one for me and I was just going to walk away from love, but if it was that way it would not be so difficult. If there is one thing I hate, it is wondering "what if" and that's one of the reasons why I stuck around so long. What if I would have stayed, would we have been happy? What if he was the one? What if I made the wrong decision? What if????? But in the end I realized that all these thoughts were just excuses I found to not leave!!!!!!!!!! and thinking that he was with his wife or that he might go back made me more miserable than thinking "WHAT IF"!

If you are happy at this moment and you think it can work out then go for it, but for all those other women that have passed that stage and the truth has sinked in, just know that you can let go!!!

Before you can love someone else you have to love yourself

I think it would make me feel more guilty if I was to do to someone what you've done. He left his family to be with you and after all that you tell him he was nothing more than a fling. How do you think that would make you feel? Love of your life my a$$. If you really loved him you would have made sure he was divorcing his wife for the right reasons to begin with. Not just because he was bored with his wife and wanted someone new.

I know this forum is supposed to help to make people feel better about their decisions. But that's just hateful. What if he really did love you?? Apparently he wanted to be with you more than he wanted to be with his family.

When children are involved it's hard. But if the marriage isn't any good then the quality of life for the children will be diminished as well. Being bored with a spouse is no reason for divorce though. A divorce should be to get out of a bad situation, not so he/she can be with someone else. If the marriage was bad enough for divorce then you shouldn't feel guilty about his leaving it.

Kizzyfur,

In all honesty I believe I did what's best. I sacraficed MY love for him so that his DAUGHTER can have his father around ALL the time. Not that I'm trying to be Mother Teresa, but I do have feelings and a concience you know!!! He left his wife without letting me know and when I did find out I suffered a lot. There are a lot of consequences to pay when you are in a relationship like this one, he knew that and I knew that!!! If I told him that he was a fling it was only to make it easier on him. Everyone is responsible for their own actions and I never told him to leave her. I also was not going to keep suffering. The pain I went through and I continue to go through is not even possible to put into words and I do not pretend for you to know or understand.

No one can say that I did not love him or that he is not the love of my life because of what I did, it just means that I have strenght and that I am not a selfish BITCH!!! I know he really did love me, but I also know that he was suffering because his daughter was not around. I made the decision that was best for both of us. I think it shows that even if I made a BAD decision before I mended what was left.

I know everyone is entitled to their OWN opinion and I welcome any and all advice, CRITICISM, and suggestions. At times it is difficult for other people to understand what we go through (in any case/problem) if they have not been in that position themselves. It's always easier to judge or condemn some one when you see it from the outside but if you were to be in the inside they would probably be a bit less hardhearted about the way they say or do things!

I think that was very cool of you to think about his child. That's been my beef with some OW's, is that nobody (and especially the MM) has mentioned feeling sorry for the children.

Very unselfish of you, but at the same time, think of the wife who found out as well. Learn from your mistake so that you are not in this situation again.

Wives have feelings too, and it's nice that you acknowledged it.

Naive

I don't know about that - truly I would have never done that. In my opinion that would have destroyed me. But you know, we all know what we need to do individually to come "to peace" with ourselves. I am pretty sure of myself that if my MM finally would have been with me, I would have not sent him packing.

There is a lot of guilt involved all the way around. But to me the guilt mainly involved betrayal of my spouse - not necessarily his. And I can totally understand what you are saying about the child - but after dealing with my kids and thinking about this so much over the last year my peace of mind comes from the fact that children are much more aware of how their parents get along/feel than we can ever imagine.

They have learned as infants, without the ability to speak or listen, to interpret the emotional state of mind of their primary caregivers. When I asked my kids if I am happy - they immediately say "no" - they know EXACTLY what I am talking about when I say that I am not happy in my marriage.

That is why I finally decided to get a divorce - and the children are adapting great. Children want their parents to be together but they also want them to be happy. If there is fighting, coldness, etc , the kids do not learn good behaviors, or skills for their relationships in the future. They do not learn what "love" is between a man and wife.

So, if you sent him back to his wife and you know it was not a good relationship - I am not sure that it truly is for the benefit of the child.

Just my three cents worth.

I admire your strenght. I think that it takes real guts to do what you did. Like you know, you were wrong for going out with a married man, but by realizing this and letting him go you show that you have a good heart and that if you did go out with him it was probably because you did feel something BIG for him.

I think you did what is moraly right and unselfish. If he still decides to leave her then you will know that it really was just not working out between him and his wife and if he stays then there is where he belongs!!!! Before your feelings and his and his wife's first comes the child's feelings. It's true that a child can probably be affected more if the parents stay together just for the sake of the child, but if they do split up let it be without you in the picture like that his child wont have a reason to think that "daddy" left for another woman, but because there was just no love!!!!!!!!

It really does take guts and strength to put other people's feelings before your own! I see a lot of other posts where the OW just care about their hapiness and they don't stop to think about how many people they are hurting in the process.

I don't feel guilty I slept with their father. I feel sorry that their father is a turd-and not honest enough with them to admit he's unhappy with his marriage. I feel sorry that one day it's going to blow up in their faces when their mom finds out. I'm not a homewrecker-my house is intact, I have no lives to f*ck up. That makes me selfish(although I'm dealing with avoiding the even MORE selfish urge to shake things up, that would hurt kids definetly so I give myself karma points for that)

When it all comes down to it, I feel sorry for them all. Sorry for his wife, who doesn't know, and looks foolish, sorry for his kids, because their dad is such a pile of crap, sorry for him, because I was stupid enough to give my feelings and he was too scared and dumb to realize what a prize it was. Sorry for me, for getting myself into this mess in the first place.

Mr Spock,

You sound like you have really been marked by this relationship. Not to be harsh but you sound bitter and when people are happy they tend to sound the total opposite.

If you think it's worth being with MM then by all means go ahead. Karma is a bitch though!!!!!

It sounds as if you might hate MM, am I right?

Originally posted by leilb

 

So, if you sent him back to his wife and you know it was not a good relationship - I am not sure that it truly is for the benefit of the child.

 

Just my three cents worth.

Research shows that kids who grow up in an emotionally barren, abusive environment don't do as well as kids who grow up with one well-adjusted, single parent. This is not a totally non-controversial statement, so look at some of the research and decide for yourself:

More than 75 percent of children with divorced parents end up as happy and well adjusted as their counterparts with intact families. In a study of more than 1,400 families, it was found that, "the other twenty percent developed some kind of psychological, emotional, or academic problem, compared to 10 percent of the non-divorced group."

From "For Better or Worse: Divorce Reconsidered" by E. Mavis Hetherington, Ph.D., and John Kelly.

In another study, in which 59 divorced families were interviewed for over 25 years, it was found that almost all children of divorce grow up with fears about being able to sustain a happy relationship. Therapy and supportive spouses can help but according to the study, "growing into adulthood was definitely harder for them."

From "The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce" by Judith Wallerstein, Ph.D.

NAIVE:

Let us know how everything works out for you

Good Luck

i will keep you updated

I can also relate to your story. Thanks for posting it. However, why does it seem that the only option when dealing with a MM is that you have to end it? Doesn't it ever work out for the OW? Doesn't anyone ever get what they want and are truly happy with the result? I am feeling even more depressed now because it doesn't seem like anyone has a happy ending. I feel like there is no chance, no hope. Your thoughts?

Originally posted by 2Confuzed

I can also relate to your story. Thanks for posting it. However, why does it seem that the only option when dealing with a MM is that you have to end it? Doesn't it ever work out for the OW? Doesn't anyone ever get what they want and are truly happy with the result? I am feeling even more depressed now because it doesn't seem like anyone has a happy ending. I feel like there is no chance, no hope. Your thoughts?

I might have a success story where the OW gets the MM. My MM filed for divorce last week.

I have no expectations of ever 'getting' my MM but I'd sure love to hear your story.

long story short

Known him 2 years. Been with him 8 months (roller coaster from hell). He'd told his wife 9 months ago that he wanted a divorce though their marriage was basically over long before then. He finally filed for divorce week before last. She should receive the papers this week. Then have to wait the 60 - 90 days to get it into court. That's where we're at right now.

I guess your timing was perfect That's the thing with a lot of these relationships, timing is everything. I applaud you for hanging in there for the nasty stuff. A little over a year ago I was seeing a guy who was 'separated', and I use the term loosely. Now he is going through a divorce, and it's such an ugly, bitter scene.

Maybe if I hadn't already gone through my own divorce I could be there for support - but it brings back so many painful memories I just can't.

GAWD DAMN right! A woman with balls. You have my utmost respect and admiration. I wish that there were more women like you with SELF-RESPECT. Your brother rocks too. Oh thank you for that. I'm feeling better that there are still women like you left in this universe.

Well thanks for that, but it's not as easy as it seems. There are still times that I feel like talking to him, but with time it gets better.

First time today I see you say something nice Charlane