I'm going crazy, can I be fixed w/o counseling?!

Okay, this is my dilemma for the day. I've posted before about the fact that my boyfriend of 1 1/2 years has a child with another woman. The baby wasn't born until we were already dating and he didn't even know if it was his until a paternity test proved it. Anyways, I thought I had come to terms with the fact that he had a child but last night I learned I haven't. You see, he isn't a part of the child's life in any way other than paying his child support. He doesn't see the child and hasn't talked to the mother in at least 6 months or more. So what's my problem right?

Well last night he had to call the mother about some tax questions regarding the child and he was on the phone with her for 45 minutes. We had heard that she had a new boyfriend and thought she was finally moving on with her life. But last night I overheard her on the phone begging my boyfriend to see his child and I heard her pleading with him for them to be a family. Well I just lost in when I got off the phone. He didn't agree with her and he hasn't changed his mind about the situation in any way.

I don't know what my problem is but I freaked out and told him that we need to break up. Of course, he's been trying everything to convince me that it's a bad idea but I just don't know. We do love each other very much and he says he wants to be with me forever...what more could a girl ask for right?

I don't know why this whole kid situation bothers me so much. In fact, since he's not a part of her life, he doesn't understand why I consider it a situation at all. What do I do? I've been told to go to counseling about this before but how will that really help. It's not like I don't have people to talk about the situation with now. I mean my friends are always willing to listen so what good would counseling do especially when I don't have the money.

Any advice would be helpful or anyone that's in the same boat, please reply!

I really don't understand why you would want to be with a man who does not even pay child support for his own flesh and blood. You think he is going to be there for you when something becomes difficult?

As far as counselling goes I think its horseSh__ and it doesn't really help. But that is just my opinion.

Sorry I can't say that I think you have a great and wonderful boyfriend.

Was the child the result of a one-night stand or was this woman his ex girlfriend? Regardless, he should be much more involved in the child's life than merely affixing a stamp to an envelope and mailing child support.

The only reason I ask the question is because if it's the result of one-nighter, it's somewhat understandable why he wouldn't necessarily feel any attachment to the mother. If, however, she's an ex girlfriend, well I think you should do the math on this one and put the big picture together. If that's the case, chances are, he had sex with her and then bailed when the going got tough. Some guy.

I don't understand what your issue is. Your guy helped to create a life, his child, his flesh and blood. That poor little thing one didn't ASK to be conceived or brought into this world, but it happened nonetheless. I can totally understand the mother begging him to be a part of the child's life. How sad that she has to beg. If her motivations are sincere (and she's not just trying to get HIM back into her life ,which you wouldn't think she was doing if she has a boyfriend), it's more than understandable that she would hurt to know that her baby's father is never around. It doesn't take much effort or responsibility to send a check each month. She's the one who had to carry the child for 9 months..she's the one who had to deliver him/her, and is now raising this child. How sad that she had to go through it all alone...and that he was dating someone else (you) when she was lying in the hospital somewhere, giving birth.

If a paternity test has confirmed that this child is his, why is he not being man enough to step up to the plate and be some type of father to this baby? And share in the raising and responsibilities? Why should she have to do it all alone? He surely (your boyfriend) had no problems having sex with her.

How can you respect a man who has nothing to do with his child? That doesn't seem morally atrocious to you?

How do you know if you got pregnant, that he wouldn't ditch you too?

It's no wonder kids grow up screwed up these days......

We do love each other very much and he says he wants to be with me forever...what more could a girl ask for right?

a great deal more. you could ask for a man with greater integrity and a greater sense of responsibility. many guys might love you and want to be with you- his professed love is not a sufficient cause for your real devotion.

i don't think you need counselling. i think you need to listen to the voice inside of you that is telling you to break up with this guy.

I'm not defending my boyfriend's decision, I will just state what I know from him and his mother of the situation: The mother of the child is an ex-girlfriend of a short time. Apparently things weren't going well in the relationship or something like that. He had heard rumors that she was cheating on him so he broke up with her. That night or that weekend, he went out with a bunch of buddies and came home drunk (to his parents where he lived at the time) and she was waiting for him up in his room (he lives in small town where people don't lock doors). Anways one thing led to another and they slept together. Shortly after that, she called saying she was pregnant (which she had done before after one other argument that they had where talk of breaking up occurred). He later found out from friends of hers that she was in fact cheating on him and had also stopped taking her birth control. When we started dating, he wasn't even sure that she was pregnant or not and if she was, whether the child would be his. When she found out we were dating, she accused him of assaulting her and I had to give a statement to the police stating that he was with me the whole night that she claimed the event happened. Things only escalated from there b/t them to the point where they couldn't even talk on the phone without screaming at each other.

His mother, the child's grandmother, did have every other weekend with the child for awhile but then it turned into whenever it was convenient for the mother. My boyfriend's mother finally ended her visitation after not hearing from the mother for almost two months. It wore on her emotions and she finally ended visitation altogether and no one has seen the child since.

I know these aren't good excuses for the way that child is living but these are the details as I've been told them.

I'm not defending my boyfriend's decision, I will just state what I know from him and his mother of the situation: The mother of the child is an ex-girlfriend of a short time. Apparently things weren't going well in the relationship or something like that. He had heard rumors that she was cheating on him so he broke up with her. That night or that weekend, he went out with a bunch of buddies and came home drunk (to his parents where he lived at the time) and she was waiting for him up in his room (he lives in small town where people don't lock doors). Anways one thing led to another and they slept together. Shortly after that, she called saying she was pregnant (which she had done before after one other argument that they had where talk of breaking up occurred). He later found out from friends of hers that she was in fact cheating on him and had also stopped taking her birth control. When we started dating, he wasn't even sure that she was pregnant or not and if she was, whether the child would be his. When she found out we were dating, she accused him of assaulting her and I had to give a statement to the police stating that he was with me the whole night that she claimed the event happened. Things only escalated from there b/t them to the point where they couldn't even talk on the phone without screaming at each other.

His mother, the child's grandmother, did have every other weekend with the child for awhile but then it turned into whenever it was convenient for the mother. My boyfriend's mother finally ended her visitation after not hearing from the mother for almost two months. It wore on her emotions and she finally ended visitation altogether and no one has seen the child since.

I know these aren't good excuses for the way that child is living but these are the details as I've been told them.

My boyfriend's reasoning behind all of this is b/c he can't get along with the mother so he chooses to stay out of the picture hoping that the mother will move on with her life and find someone to have a relationship with that wants one with her. He doesn't want his daugher growing up watching mom and dad fight and scream at each other all the time. Hey...it's not my choice, it's his.

I don't think you need counseling just a good support system of family and friends.

He probably needs to work this out in the court system if she is this unstable. The child needs her father in her life especially if he is able. I don't know what rights he has paternally, but a consultation with and attorney would be a good idea. This is bigger than you and him, it is about an innocent child. He has the opportunity to try and do this right for his daughter sooner rather than later. You should also do what is right and support him as a father. Push him if that's what he needs to do what is right. Whether or not she tricked him, it still takes two to tango.

Funny that you mention going to an attorney b/c I actually work in a law office that specializes in family law. He wants no part of that though. We've had many arguments/discussions about what he wants and what is right. And it finally got to a point where I realized that I can't force him to do anything he doesn't want to do. I got sick of arguing and finally accepted his decision. I guess the reason I could accept it is b/c my real father left but my mother remarried and I had a great life and have a great dad. If this is his choice, maybe his ex will find a great guy and his daughter will have a great dad someday too even if it's not her biological father.

I just don't know how to get his kid and the whole situation out of my head like he claims it is with him. When it's just the two of us, things are great. But any mention of his past and I freak out.

I do love him and I know he loves me but is there a future for us when this isn't just a problem that can be quickly solved and forgotten about. I mean, he will always have a child out there whether she's a part of his life or not.

I even have dreams about her showing up at our door someday or his crazy ex showing up at our wedding with the child in tow and ruining everything. Is that not just completely crazy?!

You mentioned your father leaving. Maybe you're afraid he's just like your biological father. I really think you need to listen to what your subconscious is trying to communicate.

So we break up and then what? Tell everyone that I couldn't date someone that has a child? In this day and age, there are probably more potential partners with children than without so why can't I be more accepting?

Somehow the thread got away from you as a focus and turned to your bf.

As for you -- its great that you have friends who will listen and commiserate with you and maybe offer suggestions, but you are having problems/reactions beyond what would normally be acceptable and endangering your relationship and causing you to be anxious and upset. For something like this I think a counselor who is outside of the situation (no friends or family) could be of benefit to you.

Look deep into yourself and ask what exactly is it that bothers you? The existence of the child? Why?

The fact that your bf has shared something with another woman that you feel should be reserved for a husband/wife (you and him) that being a baby? Maybe you wanted to be the first/only person he has children with?

That the child may come into his life later and you will feel left-out because you are not the parent?

Do you have some trust issues with your bf and afraid that he may leave you? To go back to his ex and be a family? Because his history with relationships is that he leaves?

What are some of the other rold-model relationships in your life? Do you see any correlations? How were those situations resolved? What about your own past relationships? What have you learned about yourself from those relationships?

You work in a family-law environment -- maybe some of what you see there has wormed its way into your subconscious and is having an effect on how you are dealing with this - and you just don't recognize that is what has happened.

What exactly -- be specific -- can your bf say or do to help you reconcile your feelings and deal with this situation? Be realistic. What can you specifically do to help your bf help you? What can you specifically do to help yourself in with each emotion and situation?

A good counselor can help you sort all of this out so that you are not so overwhelmed - but you can start breaking down your fears now and addressing them one by one yourself.

I'm not trying to tell you what to do. Nor advocating one way or another. I'm just reiterating everything you have stated.

I don't think (guessing) that it has anything to do with the fact that he has a child, but instead how he is handling the fact that he has a child. Maybe that is what is bothering you. I'm just trying to help.

Baggage. His "crazy" ex may be something you'll just have to deal with if you stay with him.

Errol brought up a lot of good points that have been running through my head. Right now there is nothing I can do or say to change my boyfriend's mind about his child and the whole situation. He views it as being done and overwith and he is paying his support like he is suppose to be.

Some things that Errol mentioned have crossed my mind. Like it does bother me that this woman shares a "family" with him even if he doesn't play the daddy role in it. I'm worried that my children would be compared to his first child. I always thought that when I got married, having a child (if we chose to have children) would be something new that my husband and I would share together. What if I can't have children or don't want children? Then he is passing up his only chance at having a child-which I have made clear to him and it doesn't seem to phase him.

I am also afraid that this girl is going to come into his life and make an attempt to later on either with the mother's help or by her own free will. How will he react if that happens?

The one thing that people don't understand about me though is that I'm not worried about him going running back to them, wanting to be a great loving family. I know that he does love me and wants to be with me and only me. His decision about the situation was made before him and I started dating. I guess all the "what if's" of the situation freak me out more than what happens now considering last night was the first time he talked with his ex in months. But everytime the situation is brought to light, it just reminds me that they (the mother and child) will always be there. It's not an out of sight, out of mind situation.

I'm concerned, Al, that your boyfriend isn't more concerned with his child's welfare. Money is not enough to give a child a good sense of self and security. This child needs her father as part of her life.

His arguments for staying out of her life are, frankly, self-serving. The situation is likely too much for him: he's young and this is big. But, he needs to grow up and deal with it for her sake. What does the way he's handling this say about his character? If a man shows a character deficit in one area of his life, he's likely to show it in others.

Yes, that will bring him into occasional contact with the child's mother. Yes, that's awkward and scary. If this man really loves you, he will honor your feelings by keeping that contact limited and to subjects that interest the child.

He does owe his child's mother some respect, even if she's not ideal. A child inseparably bonds two people -- that doesn't have to be in an intimate, romantic way.

This may be too much confusion and heartache for you -- I know it wouldn't be easy for me or many other people to deal with. You can, and maybe should, back out if it's going to make you crazy. But, so far, it seems like your guy has done all the right things by you -- not quite all the right things by his child, not yet. You might ask him to take things slower with you for a time, so that you can see if you can handle this. No shame in that.

-- uriel

I'm with Befuddled and Uriel on this. They both make excellent points.

And your boyfriend? He's quite gifted at lying to himself. Only a gifted liar would be able to turn a situation in which he's acting selfishly into a moment qualifying him for sainthood. Or so he'd have you believe.

I'm ashamed for him as it's clear that he has no shame for himself. Regardless of whether he found out the child was his yesterday or 6 months ago, the truth of the matter is that he is the child's father. His half-a$$ed (and I'm being extremely generous here) attempts at fatherhood are laughable.

You're concerned about what will happen in the future when you have kids with him. You're worried about her and this child showing up in the future and throwing a wrench into what would be a picture-perfect family.

I think you should be more worried about the fact that he could be so callous and uncaring about his child now. That is the reality.

He might be saying all the right things to you now, but love isn't measured by words it's measured by actions. And so far, where your boyfriend is concerned that isn't saying much.

You say that your own father left when you were a child. Isn't it strange how that situation has come up again in your own life. Your boyfriend's child is essentially re-living your life. S/he is you.

How does that make you feel? How does it feel to have a boyfriend leave his child much in the same way your father left you?

Although the fact that my real father wasn't in my life, I had a good life with a great dad. I look at it now and sometimes I do wonder what my real father was like but I'm grateful that my mom found someone who loved her and someone that wanted to be my father. I would think that my boyfriend's child could have this great experience as well someday. Why force a parent to be in a child's life if he doesn't want to be there? Forcing a biological parent into the kid's life doesn't mean that it's going to make the child's life any better. In fact, I've head my boyfriend and the mother talk, and I wouldn't want my children listening to all the yelling and arguing all their life.

The fact that he isn't in her life isn't what bothers me. The part that I think about a lot is just the fact that their is a child out there that's a part of him.

I'm afraid that might be because you're self-centered, too. Sorry to say it, but it's as plain as the type on your post.

The point is not that he's simply in her life and still behaving like an immature, out of control gump. He's supposed to be the better man, the one who controls himself and gives to her with loving, selfless devotion. Some people do rise to the occasion. Why do you assume that the man you love, the man in whom you'd invest your life, isn't capable of that?

If he's not capable of that, then I'd recommend you look for someone who is.

--uriel