Cheating While Engaged

Is cheating while engaged a bad sign?

Um, yes.

 

Did you do the cheating or were you cheated on?

 

Either way, I'd question said cheater's commitment to marriage. Actually, I'd just question their idea of commitment.

ummm yea I'd defintly say so!

it was me doing it.

How come?

A person who is ready for a commitment like marriage ideally wouldn't feel the need to continue sowing the proverbial wild oats

 

Do you really need to ask?

 

maybe you should reconsider being technically so committed at this time

DUH??? If somebody cheats on you after they have made a commitment to marry you and to spend the rest of their life with you, they will cheat on you all the days of their life and yours with them. This stuff is hard enough without being with a partner whose going to be wick-dipping at a whim through every phase of romance.

 

And for you to ask this question means you are NOT ready or qualified to be engaged. You are not sufficiently schooled in life or love to be able to make the kind of critical decisions required in selecting a lifelong mate. If you are engaged, break it off now until you find out more about what engagement, marriage, commitment, loyalty, ethics, morals, honor and honesty are all about.

 

Best of luck to you...and don't worry, this isn't rocket science.

How would you handle it if you DID get married and she ended up finding out?? Maybe you need to talk this over with your fiance and see if she still wants to marry YOU?? I think it will depend on the circumstances surrounding your actions which will determine if you even have a relationship with your fiance worth salvaging.

 

Generally, people cheat because they are discontented. If you aren't totally happy with the person you are with or they aren't all you need in your life...then, make the decision to get out of the relationship NOW.

You all have been very helpful.Now I have a big decision to make.

Kinda reminds me of an old roommate of mine.

 

He dated one girl in college (we'll call her Ms. R), whom he cheated on while they were dating. He was either man enough or stupid enough (not really sure which) to volunteer that information to her, so they patched things up for a few months before she dumped him. A few months later, he started dating another girl (Ms. L) whom he dated for the next two years. I went away to California for the summer and when I came back, he was with the first girlfriend. Then they started seriously and well, he knocked her up. They were planning marriage anyway so they got engaged.

 

About a few weeks before their big date, I invited him to come stay with me (we lived in two separate towns). I had to work the next morning so I went to bed early. Before I went to bed, he asked if it was okay if he invited his ex over, saying they were still "friends". Now, honestly, I was thinking to myself, "Okaaaaay....". I wasn't going to say "No" but I did find it a bit odd. Unfortunately, I was maybe 21 at the time and incredibly naive.

 

Woke up that night to get something to drink, and when I did, I walked downstairs to find them both looking as though they'd just finished a mad scramble to get their clothes back on. I didn't say anything and neither did they - didn't have to. I later talked to him about it, and he confessed without actually saying it that he had indeed done the deed.

 

Fastforward about 18 months. The wife ended up cheating on him; got a divorce; and I think she even got majority custody of the kid, too.

 

Somehow, I was naive enough at the time to assume the guy was still somewhat decent. Later that year, I got a promotion and a nice raise, and I was starting to take off financially. Not that I was a braggart, but as friends, I had shared with him the details of my early post-collegiate success.

 

Well...sometimes success is like a carcass to a vulture. Dude later "borrowed" from me $350 that I lent to him in good faith and dropped outta sight. Moved. Got an unlisted number. Was able to track him down only because the phone company somehow gave me his new number (he must have forgotten that detail initially). I asked for it once or twice. He told me both times he sent it, that the post office must have goofed. I finally gave up and realized what was up. Tried to ask him for it a month later and he'd changed his number again. I could've been a prick, but I let it go. I decided then that he wasn't worth tracking down. If $350 meant that much to him, then my guess is that he's probably knee-deep in sh*t I don't want to know about, and he's got bad kharma comin his way anyway. It's been five years since we last spoke.

 

Not saying that this is the case with every cheater, but it just reminded me of that episode. Sometimes, cheating's just a way out of a bad relationship; sometimes, though, it says quite a bit about the person doing the cheating. In either case, it's unacceptable, and yes, it's a bad sign - that one of you isn't ready for commitment.

I would pay my friends back.My friends mean a lot to me.

What if I am just trying to get my last kick before marriage?

I wasn't necessarily saying it WAS you, Mr. Gauthreaux; I was just saying that some cheaters cheat more than just their own lovers.

 

One last kick before marriage? I know what you're saying, but I think if you're trying to get "one last kick" before marriage, chances are, you'll be seeking "kicks" after you tie the knot as well. Maybe you're not ready for a commitment yet.

Originally posted by TGauthreaux

What if I am just trying to get my last kick before marriage?

 

Cheating is cheating, doesn't matter if you're dating or you've been married for 20 years.

 

If you're in a committed relationship with someone and you do things behind their back that would hurt them if they found out, how can this be right?

 

The whole 'last kick before marriage' is the classic excuse of the guys that screw around on their wives both before and AFTER marriage.

I don't think I'll cheat after we are married.I'm going to try and be a good husband.

I think you will cheat after marriage and I don't think you have the right to marry your fiancee without telling her about your indiscretion. She has the right to choose whether to marry you or find a real man that is capable of keeping his willy in his pants when he's not with his partner. I bet you'd hit the roof is she told you she had 'one last fling.' You aren't ready for marriage dude.

wow, you're going to try...she's a lucky girl.

You're going into marriage with the wrong attitude. Don't "try" to be a good husband, don't "think" you won't cheat during your marriage...be a good husband: don't cheat during your marriage - period.

If the roles were reversed, would you still be marrying her?

 

Can you find a way to satisfy yourself sexually without cheating? By this I mean without having sex with others behind her back.

 

What you need for the marriage to work is HONESTY, TRUST, COMMUNICATION, and RESPECT.

 

It would not be cheating if you told her about your desires and gave you permission to do what you wanted to do. This permission needs to be requested and received before you take matters into your own hands. How would you feel if she did something like that to you?

My now EX-fiance recently revealed to me that he had had several one night stands over the course of our relationship. It scares me how two men can think so similarly!! He said that whole bit about wanting his "last kick" as well. Does that mean I can have one!? I don't know! Because I left our house that we had bought together as fast as I possibly could.

 

I now realize that if he had communicated this to me before I accepted his marriage proposal, we may have been able to work it out. It is such a contradiction though to propose to someone, ask them to be your lifelong partner, and continue to go elsewhere to have your needs met.

 

My best advice to you, as unfair as it may sound to your fiance, is not to tell her. If you really feel you are ready to commit yourself and be an honorable man who can control his own life- keep it to yourself. If you know in your heart that you are staying in the relationship out of convienience,or any other reason-you should be honest with her. Either way, if you really love this woman, you should do the right thing. Make up for your selfish act by putting her future happiness first.

I found out a month before my wedding that my husband to be was online emailing at least 3 different gals, asking for naked pictures from them and was on lavalife.com with a profile and picture of him looking for intimate encounters (sex_) the entire 14 month relationship , even through engagement..... I was devistated and still am... the wedding was called off , I moved out that week and gave him back the ring and we never have seen each other again...its been 3 months.... only a few nasty grams to each other.... thats it... dont think we will ever see each other again.

 

If you are cheating on her now, you need to back out of the wedding... she is not the girl for you... if she was you wouldnt even look at another girl that way. She would be enough, period. Save her the pain and embarrasment and break it off so you both can find real love. It will be the hardest thing you have to do... but do it before you walk down the isle... I mean so many people get married , just to get married... and then end up in divorce... it will cost you more to divorce... in the end... so cut your losses now. Break free.

My TBXW had an affair during the engagement. It was 8 years ago now, and unfortunately it wasn't her last; she had at least 2 more during the marriage. I knew about none of this until last August. Her stated reason, years after the fact, was that she was looking for one last fling, though it obviously wasn't.

 

Yes, TG, it's cheating. If you want a last fling, you break up with the person. You don't disrespect them like you did. It's not OK to break a commitment to somebody just because you haven't sworn vows yet. If you make a commitment, at least be man enough to keep it.

 

If you still want to marry your fiancee, tell her the truth now. Do the right thing and give her the opportunity to make decisions about her own future. They may not include you, but maybe that's the price you pay. The fact that you've already cheated on her makes it more likely that you'll do it again; all of a sudden you can rationalize it to yourself by observing that you're already a cheater, and doing it again won't make you "more" of one.

 

I feel for your fiancee, because I've been where she is. Do what's right... if not for her, then for your own conscience.

I was completely believing in you until I read the line that says "I don't think I will cheat when I'm married" or something close to that. I cheated on my boyfriend once. Didn't have sex but it was so close. I will never never never do it again. He knows something happened but trusts me and it hasn't been an issue that needs to be discussed because I know I will never ever ever do it again. If you are not 100%, super certain, feel so awful you could die, regretful and are not 100% sure it will never happen again I say fess up to her. She will likely break it off with you after that but maybe not and if she doesn't at least you've warned her.

If you are 100% certain that it will never happen I say forget it. Don't let your past haunt you, move on with your gf and appreciate what you have.

cheating whether your exclusivley dating, engaged, or married is BAD! Don't get married to this poor person. This isn't "cold feet", this is called not being in love. "What goes around comes around". How would you feel if in your next relationship this happened to you? No offense, but this is just another divorce waiting to happen. If you want to play around with a variety of women, don't get married to this girl and perhaps don't ever get married. If you want the life of a single man, stay one. No one pulled you leg!

cheating whether your exclusivley dating, engaged, or married is BAD! Don't get married to this poor person. This isn't "cold feet", this is called not being in love. "What goes around comes around". How would you feel if in your next relationship this happened to you? No offense, but this is just another divorce waiting to happen. If you want to play around with a variety of women, don't get married to this girl and perhaps don't ever get married. If you want the life of a single man, stay one. No one pulled you leg!