birthday gift?

I'm in a bit of another dilemma.

My ex boyfriend's (who I dated for seven years and we broke up a while ago) birthday is coming up on may long weekend. I have been debating on whether to give him something for his birthday, I don't expect anything to happen if I do. I only wish to give him something because I care.

I talked to my friend and she disagreed with me, she thought that I shouldn't bother giving him something as he could view it as a bribe for him to come back.

I also asked his mom (who is like a second mom to me), and she said, Hell, yes, get him something. I mentioned that I didn't want to give him something impersonal (like a gift certificate or whatnot), and that maybe I could do a painting for him. She emailed me back, saying it was a great idea, maybe do a picture of one of our trips, or of something special we did together.

What do I do? I am still really close to my ex, though I've initated nc (he's the one who's been calling me lately), and I want to show that I care, still.

What do you think??

I feel like I'm in a similar boat. My ex and I broke up about the same time as you and yours. We dated for over 6 years, through college and after.

My b-day is in June. I wonder if he'll remember or acknowledge it in any way. I ask myself, do I want him to? ANd what would I want him to do?

My answer, for myself, is I would like acknowledgement, preferably in the form of a card. Something impersonal that showed he at least cares enough to remember. I don't really want anything as a gift- undoubtably it would be either poorly thought out (which says he go me a gift w/o really caring if I liked it or not, which makes it nada effectively) or something I'd really like (which would send me into spirals of sorrow from losing him).

My advice: Impersonal, but caring, acknowledgment.

That's all I can say, but I hope it gives you a bit of perspective.

Hell no don't buy him a gift. That's weird. It would look like you are trying to get him back, honestly, and it would look like a mildly lame attempt because you know, who accepts gifts from their ex?

This is JMO, though. I wouldn't, but I am not you.

...that maybe I could do a painting for him. She emailed me back, saying it was a great idea, maybe do a picture of one of our trips, or of something special we did together.

I would avoid giving anything from the relationship. It does smack of "Look at how we used to be--- don't you want that again? Huh? Huh?"

When you break up you breakup....

Breaking up doesn't mean exchanging gifts on holidays and B-days.. it means we are broken up and no longer a part of each others lives...

don't give an EX a B-day gift.. Save yourself from looking bad..

( Hey.. I hate you lets break up.. but can we still exchange gifts on Christmas and B-days ?? NO We can't.. We are no longer together )...

His Mother was just being a Mom and Being NICE..

When you break up you breakup....

 

Breaking up doesn't mean exchanging gifts on holidays and B-days.. it means we are broken up and no longer a part of each others lives...

I disagree, providing the break-up was amicable (or as amicable as a break-up can be). If it was, then I see nothing wrong with acknowledgements of holidays, from a distance, with no expectations of acknowledgment.

No gift, simple card, dropped in the mail, nothing personal, just "happy birthday", then back to the normal day.

I have a few thoughts for you...

1. You've already screwed yourself by asking his Mom. Now, you HAVE to get hime something. How will it look if you don't? She'll probably ask him what he received from you, which will be very awkward if it was nothing.

2. Painting him a picture? I suppose that's a good idea. However, I wouldn't take mom's advice about a trip you took together or something special. Think about this... what will happen to that painting when he dates someone else? Trash can!!! Plus, kind of lame to harp on your past. It also definitely suggests that you reflect on those times often and fondly.

3. Don't think impersonal, think practical or useful. How about a grill tool set, or a cool bottle opener... sharper image is your friend!!! Nose hair trimmer perhaps? Nothing says "i don't want you to read into this on a romantic level like nose hair!!"

4. Careful with "mom"... when he starts dating again (especially seriously), you're outta there!! No mother is going to choose an ex-girlfriend over a potential wife and mother of her grandchild (I guess I can't say no mother will, but they SHOULDN'T!!). My mother-in-law wouldn't dream of it! She went through old family albums and removed any photo with an ex in it... before anyone freaks out, it was not a request either my husband or I made, she just didn't want it to ever be an issue. I don't think that would bother me to come across an old photo, but fortunately i don't have to think about it at all.

Best of luck... I'll be curious to hear what you end up doing.

I disagree, providing the break-up was amicable (or as amicable as a break-up can be). If it was, then I see nothing wrong with acknowledgements of holidays, from a distance, with no expectations of acknowledgment.

 

No gift, simple card, dropped in the mail, nothing personal, just "happy birthday", then back to the normal day.

go ahead KM.. Make a fool out of yourself.. and after his B-day start a thread on how hurt you are when he didn't say thank you for the gift.. I'll post on that thread

A break up means Broken up.. not part of each others lives anymore.. moved on.. seeing other people..

No gift, simple card, dropped in the mail, nothing personal, just "happy birthday", then back to the normal day.

even a simple card is going to evoke the sad feeling because he didn't call you back and say thank you...

No card.. no gift.. He is an ex

Sorry KM, A_C is right. Been there done that.

I wouldn't want a present from any of my ex's. It would make me wonder why they bothered and wonder what they want. And I also wouldnt' want to GIVE a gift to any of the ex's.

A_C is bang-on as usual. After breakups, you aren't supposed to be in eachother's daily lives and that also means gift exchanges.

I have a few thoughts for you...

1. You've already screwed yourself by asking his Mom. Now, you HAVE to get hime something. How will it look if you don't? She'll probably ask him what he received from you, which will be very awkward if it was nothing.

2. Painting him a picture? I suppose that's a good idea. However, I wouldn't take mom's advice about a trip you took together or something special. Think about this... what will happen to that painting when he dates someone else? Trash can!!! Plus, kind of lame to harp on your past. It also definitely suggests that you reflect on those times often and fondly.

3. Don't think impersonal, think practical or useful. How about a grill tool set, or a cool bottle opener... sharper image is your friend!!! Nose hair trimmer perhaps? Nothing says "i don't want you to read into this on a romantic level like nose hair!!"

4. Careful with "mom"... when he starts dating again (especially seriously), you're outta there!! No mother is going to choose an ex-girlfriend over a potential wife and mother of her grandchild (I guess I can't say no mother will, but they SHOULDN'T!!). My mother-in-law wouldn't dream of it! She went through old family albums and removed any photo with an ex in it... before anyone freaks out, it was not a request either my husband or I made, she just didn't want it to ever be an issue. I don't think that would bother me to come across an old photo, but fortunately i don't have to think about it at all.

Best of luck... I'll be curious to hear what you end up doing.

I refuse to believe that he would throw out my painting, as he has numberous pictures from me, so I don't think this would be any different. When I was dating him, I didn't give him much as gifts, this was one of the things that bothered him, that I didn't care enough or put any thought into the gifts when I did give him something. I think this is why his mom said yes, get him something or at least do something for him for his birthday.

I have already decided on getting him something, but I'm not sure what. I'm leaning towards a painting, but it definitely won't have anything to do with what we used to do or whatever. As for the new girlfriend, if she makes him throw out my work, she's a bitch, and has got issues, and I will kindly ask for my work back if it ever comes down to that.

As for "mom", I don't see anything wrong with keeping in touch with her. She's the one who told my ex that she still wants me in her life regardless, (she's known me since I was 15) and he said he was happy to hear that. When we broke up for the first time, she hated his girlfriends and called him a dumbass for breaking up with me. Fast forward seven years later, she's not going to let me go again either way. I don't think this will be an issue as the break up wasn't a ugly one.

go ahead KM.. Make a fool out of yourself.. and after his B-day start a thread on how hurt you are when he didn't say thank you for the gift.. I'll post on that thread

 

A break up means Broken up.. not part of each others lives anymore.. moved on.. seeing other people..

Sorry, I simply don't agree, but each situation is differnt. I've known plenty of people to continue having their exes "in" their life, albeit from a very large distance. For others, they never speak to each other again. So based on the circumstances of the break-up, and the opinions she asked for, I think it's up to silentcharon to decide if doing anything would be appropriate, or if it would cause trouble. I gave my opinion based on my perspective and experience, and her description of the situation, nothing more.

It's your funeral !!!

I would hope, out of respect for you, if he didn't want it, he would have the balls to return it to you and not throw it out or sell it.

Eitherway, I think by putting energy out there (even though YOU say now that it's just a gift and no strings, trust me, there are 'emotional' strings there) you are opening yourself up for abit of a disappointment.

It's your funeral !!!

No decision in life should ever be feared in that way. We make good decisions, we make bad decisions. Sometimes our good decisions turn out to be bad, sometimes our bad decisions turn out to be good. We can act in no better way than how we about something at the time.

But i do think a painting is a VERY BAD IDEA. He is an EX, as other keep pointing out. I paint as well, and a painting is an item of caring and effort, and way more of a piece of myself than I would ever put in for an ex.

When you break up you breakup....

 

Breaking up doesn't mean exchanging gifts on holidays and B-days.. it means we are broken up and no longer a part of each others lives...

 

don't give an EX a B-day gift.. Save yourself from looking bad..

 

( Hey.. I hate you lets break up.. but can we still exchange gifts on Christmas and B-days ?? NO We can't.. We are no longer together )...

 

His Mother was just being a Mom and Being NICE..

I guess it made my ex look bad when he got me a rose for easter's. This obviously shows that he still cares for me, and I didn't take it as a sign that he wanted to get back together with me. I accepted the flower and thanked him, that was it. Why should this time be any different? That's my feelings on the subject.

Oh, and if his mom thought that I shouldn't bother, she would have told me. I don't know her reasons why she thought I should, but I do believe that if she disagreed with me, she would have said so. She didn't just say yes, just because she was being nice.

By all means, Yes you should get him a gift. That was one of one things that bothered him, he felt, if you even gave him a gift, there was no thought behind it. He said, and I agreed, that you were'nt that romantic about gift giving. Usually, a women spend more time and money on her boyfriend/husband/man she loves, than ANYONE Else !

So Yes, yes ! A painting is a good idea, especially if he knows you painted it just for him. Paint something he likes. How bout something that will remind him of his season working at fortress, or something the two of you did/saw together, that was special.

This is what she wrote back to me. Read it anyway you guys want, she seemed honest enough to me, not just being nice.'

I'll keep you guys posted.

Well if all you wanted to hear was YES.. Go Ahead DO IT.. then why post for advice ?

I think it is bad advice to say to do it.. it is setting yourself up for more disappointment and you would be better off spending your time and effort on trying to find a new person to celebrate birtdays with instead of an ex.

why do your want to get your feelings hurt ?

I guess it made my ex look bad when he got me a rose for easter's. This obviously shows that he still cares for me, and I didn't take it as a sign that he wanted to get back together with me. I accepted the flower and thanked him, that was it. Why should this time be any different? That's my feelings on the subject.

 

Oh, and if his mom thought that I shouldn't bother, she would have told me. I don't know her reasons why she thought I should, but I do believe that if she disagreed with me, she would have said so. She didn't just say yes, just because she was being nice.

 

By all means, Yes you should get him a gift. That was one of one things that bothered him, he felt, if you even gave him a gift, there was no thought behind it. He said, and I agreed, that you were'nt that romantic about gift giving. Usually, a women spend more time and money on her boyfriend/husband/man she loves, than ANYONE Else !

 

So Yes, yes ! A painting is a good idea, especially if he knows you painted it just for him. Paint something he likes. How bout something that will remind him of his season working at fortress, or something the two of you did/saw together, that was special.

 

This is what she wrote back to me. Read it anyway you guys want, she seemed honest enough to me, not just being nice.'

 

I'll keep you guys posted.

Truly, you are walking a fine line between making an unexpectant gesture of caring and justifying your desire to reattach yourself to your ex.

Remove Mom from the equation all together.

Certainly any response you get from the Ex isn't going to be the response you really want .. It won't be " I made a mistake and I love you more than anything.. Let's get back together "...,.

It won't happen.. that is why you would be better off moving on and finding a new person that says " .. I loved your gift.. and i love you.. thanks "

I have said I don't expect anything from him if I do give him something. I posted online because I wanted to see what you guys had to say. I don't expect him to take me back or anything. I only want to do it because I care.

By the way, you guys, I'm supposed to go camping with him and our friends for the may long weekend too. I'm so stupid... haha.

By the way, you guys, I'm supposed to go camping with him and our friends for the may long weekend too. I'm so stupid... haha.

Don't worry... I think we will all be stupid until the day we die.

As for "mom", I don't see anything wrong with keeping in touch with her. She's the one who told my ex that she still wants me in her life regardless, (she's known me since I was 15) and he said he was happy to hear that. When we broke up for the first time, she hated his girlfriends and called him a dumbass for breaking up with me. Fast forward seven years later, she's not going to let me go again either way. I don't think this will be an issue as the break up wasn't a ugly one.

This has sparked my interest... I think I'd like to post a question like this to see what others have to say. Keep your eye out...

PS... if you don't want to hear what people have to say (good and bad), for the love of God, don't post. Acutally, I take that back... it's fun to read you get defensive!!

I did get a bit defensive, though I did want to hear other people's opinions, good or bad. Thanks.