Dealing With It- What can I do to help myself get over and past the Affair?

Hello all.

This is the 5 month anniversary of my “D-day”, and I’m still dealing with things. My situation is a little different than most of those I’ve seen on this board. My W and I have been married nearly 17 years, and they’ve been pretty wonderful (from my viewpoint) up until the last year or so. She lost her job after breaking her leg, and didn’t try very hard to get back to work of any kind once it healed. We’d both been interested in online gaming, but she began to take it to an extreme. She would log 17+ hours per day playing online, and it really began to tear our marriage apart. What I didn’t realize was that she was suffering from depression. All I knew was that she’d rather be on the computer than to spend time with the kids and I.

Things came to a head about six months ago, when she began IMing someone we both knew from in games. She began spending all day IMing this OM, and I began to suspect something was wrong in our marriage. She was distant, and whenever we went anywhere, she’d always find reasons not to be with me. I tried asking her a few questions when I suspected something, but she did an excellent job of defusing the question, and convincing me that everything was fine. But I finally caught her trying to close the IM windows when I wasn’t looking, and realized that there was a real problem. I managed to put a program on her computer that Friday nite that would capture the IM sessions. This was Mother’s Day weekend, and I really knew things were wrong when we all went out for lunch on Mother’s Day. She was distracted, distant, and kept finding reasons to be apart from me. It wasn’t until the following Tuesday that I was able to view the log files. I was completely stunned. I had suspected that something was just beginning…what I found was that it was much farther along than I had thought. They had been IMing each other and calling each other for at least six weeks. They were both convinced that they were in love with each other, although they had never met, and had actually only one digital picture of each other. They were now planning on meeting to see if what they felt would be the same in person. I took my son to school, and then went in to work.

When she IMed me asking why I hadn’t said goodbye that morning, I told her something came up. I then emailed her the log files I’d captured, and went back home. When I got there, she told me that she had “fallen out of love” with me, and that she was in love with the OM. I left the house for a few hours to try to sort things out in my mind, and when I returned to see what we could work out, he’d already bought her plane tickets to fly to where he lived. She moved out to a local motel that afternoon, after telling the kids what was going on. Her plane was scheduled to leave on Friday, and to make a long story short, I managed to talk with her Friday before she was supposed to get on the plane. She had some doubts then about what she was doing, and this showed in her voice when the OM called while we were talking. He told her not to come, and that their relationship should end. She stayed, and we went through the weeks of withdrawal that she had for their relationship. It was rough, but she did agree to counseling while we tried to figure out what our next steps were.

After nearly a month and a half, I finally got her to agree to completely break off contact with the OM, with whom she would still periodically email and IM, and we’ve been making some awesome progress towards rebuilding our marriage. She is now being treated for depression, and we’re seeing a counselor every two weeks. She’s very happy that she did not get on that plane, and says that she no longer feels like she did back when this was going on. She now realizes that she never fell out of love with me, but was attracted to the thrill of the affair, and she felt that she was getting the love and attention from him that she didn’t feel she was getting from me. Their relationship was never physical, as we’re several hundred miles from where he lives. It wasn’t until that last weekend when I began tracking the IM files that she had even began to consider him in a sexual way, but even that was only in fantasy, and they never had even “cybered” during their IMs.

I believe that she does want to stay, and that she doesn’t want anything like this to ever happen between us again. She has given me every opportunity to check on her, and she is working hard to rebuild the trust between us. I know that we’re going to make it through this. I’m still struggling with the pain that I went through, and worrying that it could happen again. So many things will trigger me to think about what happened, and it all feels like it happened yesterday. Part of the problem is that I don’t even know what it is that I want her to do to help me get over this. Our counselor says that what I’m going through is very common, and that it will get better. The “waves” of depression will shallow out, and begin to fade. I believe that, but I’d like to ask for any advice or suggestions that you all might have for us to work things out and recover from this. I know that you may not consider this an A considering that there was no physical contact, but I feel that the emotional betrayal still makes it every bit as much of an A, regardless. In some ways, it almost feels like it was worse than if she’d JUST had a physical relationship with someone. Please, any advice or suggestions here would be greatly appreciated.

Feel for you. Similar circumstances, but my wife went all the way, and tried to hide it with lies during and afterward. Not sure if that's any worse or not. I don't think it's all about better or worse, it is about something bad that has happened.

Congrats on the rebuilding process. Very difficult. Hang in there.

One of the things that has helped us, is to try and improve communication so that each of us feels it can no longer happen again. We talk in the morning and in the evening, and do a lot of things together whenever possible. When we talk, I try and be as comfortable and honest as possible. I want to be able to talk about anything, even those little things that I used to put aside as meaningless. If I'm going to be able to trust her again, we have to communicate honestly, and I think she is trying also.

It also helps me a lot when she does little things that show her love for me. Of course, I cannot ask for this, to have real meaning, it has to happen from her initiative. Simple things, like making toast for both of us in the morning, instead of just for herself. This is not routine for us, because we both have very busy schedules, so I know she was thinking nicely of me in order for her to do it.

I know, she could be putting up a front to fool me again. And part of me keeps thinking that maybe I am being fooled for some reason or other. But I want to believe it, so I do. And I know in time, the trust will build back up. There is no quick fix.

If anyone else has a "master cure" please let us know about it. Like maybe a "time machine?"

Thanks for the response, Only. Sorry to hear that you've gone through something similar too. The ONLY reason that it didn't proceed to that second step in my wife's case was because I did something she didn't expect. I went to the motel room she was staying in while waiting for her plane, and asked her to just spend the day with me before she left. We sat in the room and had our first civil discussion since the discovery. In truth, maybe not totally civil, as during the conversation I pointed out all the things she was going to give up by leaving...the things that her and I would NOT do with the kids together, all of the things that we had planned and dreamed of. She kept asking me at the time if I could just let her go to see if what they had was real, and let her make her decision then, but I of course adamantly refused. The one "line in the sand" I had drawn was that if she got on that plane and went to him, I would NEVER try to reconcile with her.

She didn't stay of her own decision, but did eventually realize that staying was the right choice, and has been very glad she did stay since.

My biggest problem now is of course the trust. I accept that what happened, happened. I don't like it, but its there. I'm not even really angry at her now. (The OM is another story...you wouldn't believe the things I've thought about doing...but have really decided there would be no value in doing them.) I can understand why she did what she did ( I don't agree with it, and wouldn't have made the same choices, but there you go) Now, I know she wants to be here, and she is working to rebuild what we had. Now, I'm just scared to death that it could happen again, or that I've been fooled and its still going on behind my back. I'm not rational about it, no matter how hard I try. On the rare occasions I can get it out of my mind, we have a wonderful time together, and I really feel its all gonna work out. Its just getting to that point that is starting to drive me crazy. I'm not even asking for a time machine...just something that can get me past this point where I'm at, so we can move forward.

Your problems with trusting her are now, obviously, well founded. She needs to take the lead in rebuilding what she destroyed, and move heaven and earth to do so.

It's good that she's broken off contact with OM; that's a no-brainer. But there are some other things she should do, without complaint or hesitation:

1) Give you unlimited, anytime access to her email, cellphone and internet records, and not delete anything until you've had a chance to see it. She needs to give you all her passwords, including the addresses of any websites or message boards she posts on.

2) Make herself totally accountable to you at all times. Tell you when she'll be home, and stick to that, plus or minus 15 minutes. She should communicate with you several times per day, telling you who she is with and where she's going, and not object if you contact the people in question to confirm what she says.

3) Her life must otherwise become an open book. She should have no expectation of secrecy, and limited privacy (really, only in the bathroom, and without the phone).

4) She should answer all of your questions, whenever you ask them.

Also, install a keylogger on the computer.

Remind her that hesitation or complaint on her part for these "intrusions" is indicative of her willingness to rebuild and just further diminishes your trust and respect for her. But, remind her further that you do want to trust her again, and you need her help to do that this time -- you gave it freely once before but won't do so again.

You don't need to monitor her forever. Trust is rebuilt by the establishment of a record of consistent, verifiable statements. You just do this until you're comfortable enough with her again to let it slide.

Your motto for the time being should be, "trust but verify."

Originally posted by reservoirdog1

Your problems with trusting her are now, obviously, well founded. She needs to take the lead in rebuilding what she destroyed, and move heaven and earth to do so.

 

It's good that she's broken off contact with OM; that's a no-brainer. But there are some other things she should do, without complaint or hesitation:

 

1) Give you unlimited, anytime access to her email, cellphone and internet records, and not delete anything until you've had a chance to see it. She needs to give you all her passwords, including the addresses of any websites or message boards she posts on.

2) Make herself totally accountable to you at all times. Tell you when she'll be home, and stick to that, plus or minus 15 minutes. She should communicate with you several times per day, telling you who she is with and where she's going, and not object if you contact the people in question to confirm what she says.

3) Her life must otherwise become an open book. She should have no expectation of secrecy, and limited privacy (really, only in the bathroom, and without the phone).

4) She should answer all of your questions, whenever you ask them.

 

Also, install a keylogger on the computer.

 

Remind her that hesitation or complaint on her part for these "intrusions" is indicative of her willingness to rebuild and just further diminishes your trust and respect for her. But, remind her further that you do want to trust her again, and you need her help to do that this time -- you gave it freely once before but won't do so again.

 

You don't need to monitor her forever. Trust is rebuilt by the establishment of a record of consistent, verifiable statements. You just do this until you're comfortable enough with her again to let it slide.

 

Your motto for the time being should be, "trust but verify."

i understand the whole rebuilding of trust thing, but honestly, if someone gave me a reason to have to act like a warden, i would prefer not to be with that person.

this sounds like a great way to make sure things don't work out either way.

who knows, they probably won't work anyway. maybe this woman needs someone to ball-and-chain her, who knows? i don't know many people like that though.

i think the wife has issues that need to be worked out regardless.

Resevoirdog- Have already taken most of the steps you've recommended. She's agreed to the complete computer access (not like she could really stop me...and she knows that). What finally led to the complete NC with the OM was the fact that I had started logging into her email accounts (both the one she knew I was aware of, and the "secret" one that they had used to communicate with) and found that he had resumed contact even after they both had agreed not to. It was that discussion that finally got her to understand that there was no way we could move forward if he was in the picture in any shape, fashion, or form. I haven't found any evidence of resumed contact since, but my worry is that for every method I can think of for verifying the truth, I can think of at least one or more ways around it. Now that she knows that I'm watching her, she could either completely quit (which what I THINK has happened), or they've gotten MUCH sneakier about it. He's as good on a computer as I am, or better. She has said repeatedly that she's an open book, and in my better moments I really do believe her. Its the downtimes when I'm at work and she's at home while the kids are at school (the time when she did most of her IMing and calls to the OM) that I feel so rotten. She didn't have to go anywhere...it was all over the internet, and some on the phone. I guess I really just need to give things some time.

Girldown- I can see your point. I don't WANT to be her warden. But, I don't want anyone else, or to be without her either. I really do love her with all of my heart. But how else can she prove to me that she's being honest now, after all the deception that went on before? And I agree...she DOES have issues that we're trying to work out. We go to a couples counselor, and that has been helping quite a bit.

I guess that part of why I'm struggling is that I don't feel like SHE is taking the lead in rebuilding our relationship. She's agreed to do everything I've asked, even pretty much without question. But I still have to ask. It seems like all the onus to work out what I'm going through now is on me...not her.

OWL, What I did is put chat nanny on our pc , This has been the best thing I'v done . Look she has to be the one to end it with the OM . If it hasn't ended in her mind well for get trying to force it . Your wright to want her to cut all contact . But if you force it she's going to want him even more . If she really want's to be with you all of her IM's And email's would be open to you .But don't push it . Some one on this site has a grate quote from Dr Phil ( Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing )Now for my self I'm letting my girlfriend hang her self . She IM'S him every once a week . I can see him feed her the same old crap . He knows how to feed the his game . What make's this fun now I'm over the pain is that one of his best friend's think's this is wrong and talk's to me on the phone once in a while . He claim's that he will get her in bed before his 18th birthday .This time I'm going to let her do it and then I'll get photo's . And when I end it her family will be very happy to know that she's leaving me for a 17 kid (she's 29) . And photo's and chat log's to boot . It's going to suck to be her . I'v already got some box's packed .

GirlDown... I agree, everything I said is predicated on the assumption that there's enough in the marriage worth saving. And coming to that realization can take time... it's not something you can usually decide the day you learn of the infidelity. In my case, it took several months after I moved out to realize it. I knew at that point that she'd never been happy in the marriage and didn't see how that would change, and that she could only be happy being with a different kind of person than me. I knew that I would probably never trust her again, and that forgiving her would take a long time, if it ever happened at all. I knew that the entire marriage was a sham, because she'd cheated during the engagement and again within weeks of the wedding. While we did have similar sensibilities and parenting philosophies, there wasn't much else.

The marriages that DO recover seem to be those that had at least a few happy years together, because then it's possible to try to recreate those times. In my case, the marriage was stillborn and that period wasn't there. Nothing to do but end it, pick up the pieces and move on.

Owl, our situations are very similar. When I first found out about it, we spent about 36 hours just talking, almost through the night. At that point she had been trying to hide it for about 3 weeks, and had been blaming me for the way our marriage was heading, so we had started therapy. Well, after the second week of the therapy, with the therapist telling me I needed to trust her more, and me being totally confused about what was happening, sensing something was wrong, but having been trying vigarously to correct it with flowers, cards, politeness, etc, then being told I was smothering her with too much. Man those were a couple of confusing weeks. Finally tripped upon a little email and confronted her with it, and she broke down and slowly told me everything. As much as it hurt, it finally made a little sense. Then we talked and talked. Called in sick and talked some more.

I think it was talking that made it all work. And still, it's the talking that keeps working for us. Yes, she's given me access to all her email, and voicemail, and all that stuff. Nice, but I don't want to have to patrol her every move. That's no way to live.

So now, we spend as much time together as possible. Gone away to anyplace just about every weekend. Walk together almost every morning. Dinner out tab has really grown, but well worth it. We've both "loosened up" a lot, and done it together. We've kind of relearned how to have fun together. I'm lucky, tho, because she's smart in a lot of ways, one of which made her realize that she couldn't live with me and still keep him active in her life, so she willingly severed the connection and told him to not contact her again either.

As far as trust, well, yeah, I still have my doubts sometimes, but I watch the feedback she gives me closely. Those little things that she does, things that she could only do if she really did love me, those are the things that really help. Well, I'm willing to take a risk, especially since the good we're enjoying right now is really good, and if I don't take this risk, then I'll not get this good stuff. Make sense?

Another thing that has helped me, in my mind, is that she has trusts me as well. What's stopping me from going out and doing a similiar thing right back at her. Revenge has its benefits, doesn't it? Well, I wouldn't, but then I didn't think she ever would either. So trust has to work both ways.

It does take time. But I really think that we've both learned such a lesson from all this, that we can now go on and make a great life together.

Hang in there! Talk a lot, about everything. Re-learn all about the girl you married. And enjoy it! Life's too short to worry about what might happen, if you do, you risk missing out on the great things that are happening!

Only- All I can say is "WOW!" What you described could have almost exactly been us right after the discovery. Well, I'd have to say maybe about 3 weeks after the discovery. The day she didn't get on the plane, I brought her home from the motel, and let her cry for several hours. We went for a walk, and agreed to be "brutally honest" with each other over what happened. We talked for several hours that day and the next, but then the withdrawl REALLY set in, and she began to resent me some, so I backed off as much as I could to let her get through that. It was during those first few weeks that I started to lose hope. I hadn't given up even that first week after the discovery when she was waiting on her plane. I felt so worthless for that first month that I considered a LOT of options, none of them good. I told her if she was gonna leave me, do it in style. Don't run to someone because you've got no other options. Get a job, find a place to live, and start on a career. THEN if you've gotta leave, you're doing it with some class. We started working on that first, and somewhere during the course of that, while we were going to the first counselor (who didn't work out...I didn't like that she wanted us to "find ourselves" before we worked on us, and the wife didn't like because she had no tact), she began to realize that I was still there for her, even after what she'd done to me. We began to reconnect, and that's been going on since.

I see one benefit of posting here already...just hashing this out with several third parties is making me feel a little better...and believe it or not, most of your feedback is showing me more and more that she is being honest...because I can't point to one thing and say "SEE!". I guess I'm just bothered because she'd like to treat this as in the past, and I'm not ready to move on and act like it never happened. And while she does take responsibility for doing what she did, I can say that looking back I guess I'd started to give up on her. She'd become so withdrawn and cold that I didn't have any ideas on how to fix what we had. At least we're not still at that point I guess.

only1life , How did you get her to talk to you . My girlfriend won't talk to me but she will bitch to every friend we have and our roommate . But never talk to me . I'm a very open person and a good listener . But is it that guilty as hell thing she just couldn't face me . It took a phone call from some stranger to get the truth . I can't respect someone like that ever . Now it's every thing that comes out of my mouth she read's thing's into . We fight almost every day . Over thing's she think's I really mean when I talk . What the hell ??? I think it's her way of making her wrong feel wright . I smell a change a coming for me it's only good . For her only bad A fate richly deserved . Please don't get me wrong I do Love Her . But I'm not going to try to hang on to some one that won't hang onto me . How many of you woman would not want a guy that clean's you house dust's wash's laundry wash's your cat cleans bathroom's top to bottom . And cook's for you ??? I'm not some lazy jerk . When we moved in together there was a trail to her bed and the frig had many science project's growing in it . The laundry had been piling up in the back room for a year . I cleaned the back room up and she was happy to see shirt's she haden't seen in a long time . And the home is clean and the cat smell's wonderful . Her mother say's lovingly you taking good care of my daughter . This is just some of what I put into our relationship . And I take her out to dinner once a week and every so offten I get her a rose . And yes I'm affectionate and cuddle with her . I just don't get the rejection ??? Owell I have a few friends who are willing to be with me if this continues to fall apart .

We talked for several hours that day and the next, but then the withdrawl REALLY set in, and she began to resent me some, so I backed off as much as I could

Owl, it's a difficult thing. One of my hardest things was after we decided to try and make our marriage work again, after the long hours of talking, was when I realized just how much she did love this other guy. That really hurt. When she called him and told him it was over, and not to call her anymore, that night I came home from work, and she was all in tears, asked her about it, and she said she was hurting because she felt she had lost a friend. From my standpoint, that was a good thing, but from her point, she was really sad and broken about it. It took everything I had to just not react for a few minutes, then hug and try to console. Kind of some backward thoughts.

And then it really took a few weeks for her to get through those same feelings. I could tell we were not getting anyway during that time, but I had read that she must get all her thoughts and feellings completed before we could move on. Difficult time. Next maybe was the "get things back to normal" stage. She seemed in a hurry, and I wasn't ready to hurry into that yet, but in time, we were. For me, I started reading a couple of books, and began putting time into forums like this. One book, "After the Affair" was particularly helpful, was accurate and cheap. Author's name is Spring. Recommended for anyone who is going thru this and full of questions. After a couple of weeks, I began to feel that she was actually feeling more towards me again. I guess maybe she had resolved the lover in her mind. Not sure, but it felt good to start to feel like we were back together in more than a physical mode.

One other important thing we have done is to spend a lot of time together. Just about every weekend we went (and still do) somewhere together, for the weekend. And we go out to dinner and drinks a lot. We have kind of begun "dating" again, like we had 25 years ago. Friends kind of laugh at us, but I don't care - I like being affectionate in public as well as private, and she loves it also. It is like starting all over again. It is fun - we've got fun back into our lives, and it makes life a lot more worth living.

I see one benefit of posting here already...just hashing this out with several third parties is making me feel a little better...and believe it or not, most of your feedback is showing me more and more that she is being honest...because I can't point to one thing and say "SEE!". I guess I'm just bothered because she'd like to treat this as in the past, and I'm not ready to move on and act like it never happened. And while she does take responsibility for doing what she did, I can say that looking back I guess I'd started to give up on her. She'd become so withdrawn and cold that I didn't have any ideas on how to fix what we had.

I reprinted this because I really agree with it all. And this forum board has become my therapy as well. Also makes me feel fortunate that I'm not in the place of some of the people on this board, the ones who have lost hope, or have fought back to no good ends. But many people have reinforced what I'm going thru and that really helps, a lot. This is not easy.

Soemtimes my mind still gets saturated with thoughts about what happened, and it's all too easy to start blaming things, but that doesn't get us anywhere. I'm slowly getting better about organizing what it all means, and the reality of it. And I've got a lot of hope for the future. Each day, although we have some setbacks, each day seems a little better and closer.

Originally posted by Jayman

only1life , How did you get her to talk to you . My girlfriend won't talk to me but she will bitch to every friend we have and our roommate . But never talk to me . I'm a very open person and a good listener . But is it that guilty as hell thing she just couldn't face me

Jayman, are you sure she had severed all connections to the lover? We made a point of her contacting him, to make sure that he knew it was over, sort of a "closure" thing, I guess. She did it over the phone, but I have since read some ways that would have been better (see the book recomended above) such as a note she would write, and I'd get to read it before mailing. One of the things I'm a little shakey on sometimes is just went on in their conversation, although I'm pretty sure it was OK. This is important because she has to know that it is over completely. And then she has to have time to get over it, before she will begin to warm up to you again.

If she won't talk to you, then I don't know what to do. If you make her feel guilty, maybe there's some way you can relieve that feeling. Have you expressed your forgiveness to her? May not be easy, the feeling I get from your note is that you may not yet have forgiven her, but she has to know that you do, and sometimes it takes a lot more than words. She won't want to live with you, if every time she sees you, she is loaded up with guilt. You do forgive her, don't you? Forgiveness is made easier, when we realize that none of us is perfect, we all have our faults. And the affair is unlikely entirely her fault, the realtionship you have with her set the background for what happens. You guys might need to do some digging into the history to look for clues that led her where she went.

It is not easy. There's a lot of feelings involved. But hopefully, if you both want to make it work, it can.

Owl,

You can't worry about the future, you can only change what is present. It is up to her to decide whether or not she continues contact with the OM, knowing the consequences. Unfortunetly if those two wish to keep talking, in the end there's really not much you can do to stop it. Another question you need to ask yourself is, do you really want to be with someone who is still going behind your back to contact this other man?

What you want is someone who under their own decision and power to say 'No, I am not contacting him again' and then follow through with it.

Read my link in my signature, it may help you quite a bit. I talk about dealing with the 'topics' and the 'issues'. Trust is something earned, not given and you understandably don't have 100% trust in her. My suggestion would be to continue counseling. You will have good and bad days, and have periods of distrust. That's normal since your first instinct is to protect your heart.

As for you going to the motel, she is the one that decided not to go on the plane. She is the one that decided to stay, it doesn't matter that you talked to her before. She could have easily still went. But she decided that you were more important, the marriage was more importand and her kids are more important.

She needs treatment for her depression. That plays a very big role in this. You have to take care of yourself as well, don't get demoralized by her depression. Know that you are worth being with, and that it wasn't all you who caused this chain of events. As for this being an affair, yes it was. It was an emotional affair which takes the same amount of pain as it would if it were a physical one.

The relationship you two had was lacking alot of things, something maybe she didn't communicate well enough to you and sought to fill those voids with someone else.

None of us can predict the future, and love is always a chance. Doesn't matter if you just met the person or been with them for 20 years. I know of a couple who just divorced, who were married for 30 years. They both seemed very content in the relationship, but for some reason the wife decided she wanted to see what else was out there. The thing is, if you don't take that chance in love, you'll live a very lonely life and miss out on so many good experiences.

Again, please read the link in my signature and see if some of that may help you. And whatever you do, don't quit counseling!

All,

I wanted to thank you all for the excellent advice and suggestions. Today is our 17th anniversary, and I've taken today off just to spend it with my wife. At least in the short term, it has helped to stop and look at all that she's done over the last several months. She hasn't given me any real reason to doubt her in the last 3+ months, and I really do see that she wants us to work out. I need to relax and trust her more than I have been up to this point.

We are still doing counselling...and I'm not about to stop doing that anytime soon. I still see benefit from going, and while its not always easy, it has helped us work out issues that would have been more difficult for us to deal with without having a neutral third party.

She is undergoing treatment for depression, and has been since a few weeks after our D-day. Its made a huge difference in our house. While I won't say it excused what happened, the depression was a major factor in leading up to her starting the A. I have been treated for depression a long time ago, and can remember the "blinders" it seemed to give me. I'm thinking that it had the same affect on her.

At any rate, I wanted to let you know that the past few days have been easier for me to deal with. I'll keep ya'll posted as we keep working through everything.

Well, we've had a great couple of weeks. Went to counseling last Friday, wasn't a rough session really. One thing that did come out that was interesting: our counselor has been comparing our situation to another couple he's working with that is obviously going through similar circumstances. Their crisis came up a few weeks before our, and was a physical relationship as well since the OM is local as well. She had agreed to an NC, and had been telling her husband and the counselor this whole time that there had been no contact...that morning before counseling her husband found the cell phone records and discovered she's maintained contact with the OM the whole time. My wife stopped the discussion at this point, and turned and looked me dead in the eye and told me that she's had NO contact with the OM at all since she broke contact with him in June. She said that what happened is completely over, and she doesn't ever want anything like that to happen between us again.

We had a great weekend together, lots of "us" time, and was just an all around awesome time together.

So why did I have another setback yesterday?!?!?!?! She's done NOTHING to trigger it that I can see...I came home, we sat and watched an action movie last nite, and I got totally depressed for NO reason. I've talked with my counselor about this in the past...he feels that I don't need depression meds...its something that will pass. I'm just glad that the wife seems to understand that I'm trying to deal with it...she was really supportive last nite and this morning.

Does anyone have any suggestions for how to get through the "down" times? How to make them shorter, or more infrequent? This has been the longest time between them so far, but I'm just sick of being so upset over something that happened in the past.

Owl,

Sounds like you're doing well. Also sounds like what I've been going thru, pretty much the same. Regarding the "instant depression" you're experiencing, I can relate to that, big time. Get used to it. It totally sucks. In my case, my wife can see it in my mood and acts, so we usually end up talking about it. But it is tough, cause it then brings her down as well, with guilt, I guess. Not nice.

But hang in there. I can honestly say that in time, it has become less and less often. And, it has become less depressing as well. While still pretty much overpowering, it has become easier to get past. But I haven't yet found a way to stop them. No amount of other distractions make them "go away."

I guess these depressing things just have to be accepted and processed by the mind. And the better that things seem to be going, the more likely they seem to pop into the mind.

But on the other hand, if we didn't have to bad times, what would we have to compare, and how would we know when we're having good times? Lame excuse, I know, but hey, we've had tough times, and we need all the encouragement we can get, right?

Last night, she and I were discussing things, and we were wondering how long it'll be until we can look back and laugh at parts of it....

I guess I'm lucky, because I read a lot of people here that can't get to the nice place we've gotten so far. I have a great wife. (No, I don't think she reads these! hahaha) Sounds like you do, too.

Enjoy the good times, while you can. Hopefully, they will continue and even get better. Good luck, take care.

Well...in our case we've been able to laugh at a few things sometimes. About a month after she finally did the NC, our counselor recommended a great book "20 (Surprisingly Simple) Rules and Tools for a Great Marriage". Was an awesome book, and I recommend it to anyone in a relationship. On the long drive back from his office, I began to read aloud the introduction and table of contents. I hit Chapter 16...Make Mutual Friends. (Realize that during the main period of her A, the wife and the OM were both trying to get me to join with them in some of the online games that we all three played. He actually had become someone I'd considered a friend, at least until I caught on). Well, my wife looked at me and grinned sheepishly, and said "Well...I tried." We both broke up laughing at the irony of it and nearly wrecked the car!! It was one of the first real laughs we shared since our D-day.

As far as talking about it, well, with us that's still a hit and miss thing. Sometimes we can talk about it pretty openly, but other times she feels so guilty and bad that she really gets bent about it, and just clams up and lashes out. She's still wishing that it would just all go away, and we can act like it had never happened. She doesn't understand (nor will she ever) just how bad she hurt me.

The other day I was reviewing our phone records (on a work related issue), and found that she had made calls to the OM for about 3 weeks after the time she didn't get on the plane, but before she'd really made the decision to reconcile our marriage. She had told me during that time that they had IM'ed, and had made a huge production of leaving the IM's up for me to see when I came home...but she had never mentioned that she had called him. The calls were all about a minute in length, but I can't see where a call came in from, so didn't know if he'd called her back. I asked her about it Tuesday nite while we were walking, as non-confrontationally and openly as I could. I simply was curious what was discussed, and why she hadn't told me about the calls. I know why she didn't then...I was curious why she hadn't mentioned them since we've been working through it. She blew up. She can't understand why I want to know that now, since she's not doing it now, nor does she want to. End result...I'm going to try to quit bringing it up. I plan on talking with our counselor on what he thinks we should do when I've got questions, but not going to do anything further on it until then.

What a mess... I wish she had known how bad she was going to hurt me BEFORE she had done this.

Originally posted by Owl

 

As far as talking about it, well, with us that's still a hit and miss thing. Sometimes we can talk about it pretty openly, but other times she feels so guilty and bad that she really gets bent about it, and just clams up and lashes out. She's still wishing that it would just all go away, and we can act like it had never happened. She doesn't understand (nor will she ever) just how bad she hurt me.

 

.....She blew up. She can't understand why I want to know that now, since she's not doing it now, nor does she want to. End result...I'm going to try to quit bringing it up. I plan on talking with our counselor on what he thinks we should do when I've got questions, but not going to do anything further on it until then.

 

What a mess... I wish she had known how bad she was going to hurt me BEFORE she had done this.

OWL,

thats were I am too, I dont think my wife truely understands the hurt I feel. Talking about "IT"...is hard. Wife wants to forget about it, put it behind us, and move on. Which of course is normal for the betrayor to want to forget it. BUT its not as easy for the one betrayed, ME.

Its kinda like a circle. I need to talk about IT sometimes. I struggle internaly, becasue when I discuss IT,it helps me deal with it better. BUT when I bring it up, she gets upset and has already admitted that discussing IT really turns her off, pulls her away.......BUT if I keep it in, I get anxiety and upset....so what am I to do?

The very thing I need to talk about to proceed in my process of healing, is the very thing that inhibits her healing process.....

BUT we have come to an agreement, that my healing process involves talking about IT sometimes....and she just has to accept it and support me. I ;m the one that has to get over it now....if she already has, then she has to help me too....even though it may cause neg emos in her.

I never thought it would be this hard....but we are getting there....I'm just a little slow I guess

Owl and Thumbing...,

Let me jump here also. Same things going on. It is kind of a trade off between me talking about what hurts, and making her feel more guilty.

I guess I've come to the point where I've realized that talking about it too much to her does no more good, although I still feel a need to sometimes. I guess this is where this board comes in. I've found talking about it to friends here really helps. And besides, there are no real good answers to the questions of "why did you..." and "how could you..." and such. But somehow, sometimes I just need to vent it.

We've gotten to a good enough place, that we spend at least 30 minutes each morning, and as much time as possible after work, and again before sleep, that we talk about things. She has even reached a point where she has told me personal thoughts and feelings she had about the bum, as I call him. This has brought us closer, and in the morning, I love to look her in the eyes as she wakes, and see her smile at me! Sometimes, just that look is enough for me to not want to talk about things that will only bring back the hurt, makes me feel so good, and the day can go on nicely.

I understand what it feels like when she wants to "just get on with it" because it does seem like I need more time to re-adjust, and yet she's pushing to get "back to normal." Well, I tell her that I don't want to get back to normal. Normal is what got us to where we got, which wasn't good. So she agrees, we need to get to a better than before place. And that is going to take some effort from both of us. So far, it has been good.

Thumbing..., if you've got a good counciller, make use of him/her. We had one who I finally figured out that she really only saw my wife's side of things, and I think she did more harm than good to me. She didn't really understand the amount of trust that was lost, and recommended some things which I now know actually made it harder to trust again. But I am working on it. And so is my wife. But sometimes, I just need a little more time. I'm in no hurry to get back to where we were before.

These are emotional times. More so than I ever thougth was possible.

If either of you want to write personally to me, go ahead, click on my name somewhere, and you can get to personal messaging. They have a great system working here.

Hang in there. It does get better. I'm getting there! Thanks for listening!

Well...today is the six month anniversary of our D-day. Exactly six months ago, at the same time I'm writing this, the OM was buying online plane tickets for my wife to fly to go live with him. I had read the first parts of the log files earlier that morning (it would be almost two months before I could bear to read through them all) while my wife stayed in bed until after I left like she normally did then. I sent them to my wife when she IMed me after I arrived at work, and confronted her about it when I left work early that morning to deal with this. She told me then that she was "falling out of love with me, and falling in love with him". I left the house to keep from doing something really stupid, and while I was away that morning, they talked on the phone and via IMs, and he purchased her tickets.

What a contrast. This morning, she got up with me like she normally does now, and we sat together over a cup of coffee and watched a slide show that a friend of my son had made of their JROTC trip from this summer. We talked a little bit, and then she IMed me once I got to work. We chatted back and forth for a while, and I know that she's relaxing at the house now, after having worked too hard on it yesterday to straighten it all up nicely. She made me feel very loved and appreciated this morning.

We're still having some tough times. I'm still fighting the "downs" when they hit (of course today is gonna be one of those somewhat...just because the memories are there). There are things that we still struggle with occasionally. But thinking back to that day six months ago, I wouldn't have believed then, or even for a few months afterward that things would be as good between us as they are now. I wish that the improvments we've made could have come about some other way, that the pain I feel wasn't there. But, at least I can see what we've done, and how far we've come. Hope this maybe provides some inspiration to someone to hang in there. If you had an awesome relationship with your spouse before the affair, and you feel it can be rebuilt, it's worth the effort.

Time for an update I guess...

Things are still going well. I'm still on the rollercoaster, but the ups and downs don't seem quite as bad as they've been. We actually made it through the 6th month "anniversary" of our D-day without either of us realizing it. I of course realized it a day or two later, but we had a good weekend when it passed.

We've gotten to the point where we can talk casually about some of what happened without too much pain. This weekend the subject was mentioned in passing, and she mentioned a few things about the OM that I hadn't known but had suspected. Nothing major, and not anything that made me feel like it was something that she had just learned recently. As a matter of fact, she'd had a talk with our oldest boy who has a friendship with another young lady that my wife and I had some cause to be concerned about (he's got a girlfriend, and this other young lady has a habit of bringing up things that she probably shouldn't in the context of being friends with our son). During her conversation with our oldest, she told him pretty point blank that he needed to see the risks of letting her talk like that...that there needed to be "boundaries" in their friendship, or it risked turning their relationship into something that could threaten what he had with his GF.

Talk about an eye-opener for me to hear that from my wife!!! She went on to tell him that it was exactly THAT kind of thing that lead to what happened between her and OM... and that he needed to be very careful. It was actually somewhat gratifying to hear her admit what lead up to the affair, and to do so casually in a manner to help our son. (Our kids are all older teenagers, and all know exactly what took place...it was tough on them too, but in a lot of ways it helped them to understand what we've gone through, and helped them to help us deal with it too)

We still do bi-weekly marriage counseling, and figure its likely to go on for quite some time. We've got issues we still need to work out in our marriage, but we're working to try to make the changes we need to.

At any rate...its still work, but its still working. We're healing...but its going to take time and hard work to minimize the scars. The nice thing is...I'm still hopeful and confident that what we'll end up with will be better in many ways than what we had for many years before the affair...and that's saying something!!!

Originally posted by Owl

At any rate...its still work, but its still working. We're healing...but its going to take time and hard work to minimize the scars. The nice thing is...I'm still hopeful and confident that what we'll end up with will be better in many ways than what we had for many years before the affair...and that's saying something!!!

Owl,

I am gald to here things sre moving forward. I myself have made great strides the last few weeks. I am astonished to how few the emo;s have been. Like my MC told me....stay strong and stay the course....stay on my path and dont wander....and it seems to be working for me.

And I am not sure what your belief in religion is....but for me.....He has been a great help. I am finaly starting to see what i was missing. My faith is stronger now than ever befroe.....and I truely believe He is guiding me and it helped me understand that I will be ok no matter what happens to me.

Matthew 11, 28:

"Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens and I will give you rest."

Originally posted by ThumbingMyWay

 

And I am not sure what your belief in religion is....but for me.....He has been a great help. I am finaly starting to see what i was missing. My faith is stronger now than ever befroe.....and I truely believe He is guiding me and it helped me understand that I will be ok no matter what happens to me.

 

 

 

Matthew 11, 28:

 

"Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens and I will give you rest."

All I can say is Isaiah 40:31 brother...its been the verse I've operated under for YEARS!!

It's sad to see so many people who care about there mate's but have had bad thing's happen to there relationship's . For myself my girl friend broke up with me . And that was the best thing that happened . I'm thankful that we weren't married . I did try to save it and I worked very hard . But she put nothing into the relationship never even tryed . She wouldn't give up talking to the kid online He ( 17) she (29) and she had a friend who's a 500lbs shut in who's never even had a boy friend who helped her sneek around talk to him online and phone ect . Mind you this friend of hers is who she was getting advise from . And mind you she suffers from OCD ( Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder ) and we were fighting over joke's I made to my brother inlaw almost two and a half years ago . ( the jokes weren't about her they were to my brother inlaw ) So when she ended it I was felt so good like a man freed from prison . I know I tryed very hard and put every thing into it . But she felt we had nothing in common she admit's now to looking for a story book romance . She still want's the kid but he's got a cute little girl friend his age . I got a new gril friend in a week's time . Out with the old and in with the new . I got some one who can now talk to me with laugh and has discernment about what I'm saying . And now she's very lonely and admit's it . And she also admit's she was wrong for what she did and for not trying . But if she gets around her one friend she think's she was totaly justified . So I'm thankful it ended it was a battle I was not going to win with her . I'v thanked everyone on this board Thank you Thank you Thank you I'm much happier now . I really hope you all can find peace in you live's . Jayman

Originally posted by Owl

Hello all.

This is the 5 month anniversary of my “D-day”, and I’m still dealing with things. My situation is a little different than most of those I’ve seen on this board. My W and I have been married nearly 17 years, and they’ve been pretty wonderful (from my viewpoint) up until the last year or so. She lost her job after breaking her leg, and didn’t try very hard to get back to work of any kind once it healed. We’d both been interested in online gaming, but she began to take it to an extreme. She would log 17+ hours per day playing online, and it really began to tear our marriage apart. What I didn’t realize was that she was suffering from depression. All I knew was that she’d rather be on the computer than to spend time with the kids and I.

 

Things came to a head about six months ago, when she began IMing someone we both knew from in games. She began spending all day IMing this OM, and I began to suspect something was wrong in our marriage. She was distant, and whenever we went anywhere, she’d always find reasons not to be with me. I tried asking her a few questions when I suspected something, but she did an excellent job of defusing the question, and convincing me that everything was fine. But I finally caught her trying to close the IM windows when I wasn’t looking, and realized that there was a real problem. I managed to put a program on her computer that Friday nite that would capture the IM sessions. This was Mother’s Day weekend, and I really knew things were wrong when we all went out for lunch on Mother’s Day. She was distracted, distant, and kept finding reasons to be apart from me. It wasn’t until the following Tuesday that I was able to view the log files. I was completely stunned. I had suspected that something was just beginning…what I found was that it was much farther along than I had thought. They had been IMing each other and calling each other for at least six weeks. They were both convinced that they were in love with each other, although they had never met, and had actually only one digital picture of each other. They were now planning on meeting to see if what they felt would be the same in person. I took my son to school, and then went in to work.

When she IMed me asking why I hadn’t said goodbye that morning, I told her something came up. I then emailed her the log files I’d captured, and went back home. When I got there, she told me that she had “fallen out of love” with me, and that she was in love with the OM. I left the house for a few hours to try to sort things out in my mind, and when I returned to see what we could work out, he’d already bought her plane tickets to fly to where he lived. She moved out to a local motel that afternoon, after telling the kids what was going on. Her plane was scheduled to leave on Friday, and to make a long story short, I managed to talk with her Friday before she was supposed to get on the plane. She had some doubts then about what she was doing, and this showed in her voice when the OM called while we were talking. He told her not to come, and that their relationship should end. She stayed, and we went through the weeks of withdrawal that she had for their relationship. It was rough, but she did agree to counseling while we tried to figure out what our next steps were.

After nearly a month and a half, I finally got her to agree to completely break off contact with the OM, with whom she would still periodically email and IM, and we’ve been making some awesome progress towards rebuilding our marriage. She is now being treated for depression, and we’re seeing a counselor every two weeks. She’s very happy that she did not get on that plane, and says that she no longer feels like she did back when this was going on. She now realizes that she never fell out of love with me, but was attracted to the thrill of the affair, and she felt that she was getting the love and attention from him that she didn’t feel she was getting from me. Their relationship was never physical, as we’re several hundred miles from where he lives. It wasn’t until that last weekend when I began tracking the IM files that she had even began to consider him in a sexual way, but even that was only in fantasy, and they never had even “cybered” during their IMs.

I believe that she does want to stay, and that she doesn’t want anything like this to ever happen between us again. She has given me every opportunity to check on her, and she is working hard to rebuild the trust between us. I know that we’re going to make it through this. I’m still struggling with the pain that I went through, and worrying that it could happen again. So many things will trigger me to think about what happened, and it all feels like it happened yesterday. Part of the problem is that I don’t even know what it is that I want her to do to help me get over this. Our counselor says that what I’m going through is very common, and that it will get better. The “waves” of depression will shallow out, and begin to fade. I believe that, but I’d like to ask for any advice or suggestions that you all might have for us to work things out and recover from this. I know that you may not consider this an A considering that there was no physical contact, but I feel that the emotional betrayal still makes it every bit as much of an A, regardless. In some ways, it almost feels like it was worse than if she’d JUST had a physical relationship with someone. Please, any advice or suggestions here would be greatly appreciated.

There ISN'T a way Owl-it is just something that will (hopefully) happen in time, and with her working hard to rebuild your trust.

I would say go out and have your own fling, but I do things differently anyways.