Failure to Launch...

Hi everyone,

I have been dating my current boyfriend for a year now. We both just turned 25 (me) and 30. We met through mutual friends and everything was great in the beginning as it always is, until we realized we have some different viewpoints on major issues! Let me give you some details...

I love my boyfriend very, very much. We are great friends, we get along, I LOVE being around him, he is extremely attractive, we have an awesome physical relationship and I LOVE falling asleep and waking up next to him (all things I never experienced with my ex). Everything is wonderful... EXCEPT!

At 30 years old, HE LIVES IN HIS MOTHER'S BASEMENT!!!

And worse, he is perfectly content there! I come from a pretty well off family, and when I was living at home, my parents were constantly questioning and pushing me about my plans to go back to school, etc. He on the other hand, grew up pretty poor and so I feel like our mentalities on things are totally different. His parents divorced after 20+ years of marriage, so he lives with his mother and she does not push him to do ANYTHING (or his OLDER brother, for that matter)!!! I can understand she probably likes having them around since she's divorced, but as a parent would you really be happy seeing them do absolutely NOTHING with their lives?? This isn't normal, right?

He's got some debt he is paying off for a carpentry program he did (which, in our state, he could not find any work in that field) so he is working a **** job at 10.00/hr. He pays for his phone, and pays the house's electric bill but essentially that's it. Not a whole lot of responsibility for a 30 year old!

So for the first 8 months or so of our relationship, I was living at home also, but I was working 40 mins south of where I was living. And then also, because his mother has no ground rules, I was staying at his house (in between work and my parents) about 4-5 nights a week. Some days I was driving close to 75+ miles a day!!!

So 8-9 months in, I told him- HEY. I LOVE YOU BUT I CANNOT KEEP DRIVING/LIVING LIKE THIS! I was essentially living at his mommy's, but anytime I wanted a shower or to do laundry, I was driving 25+ mins north to do it. I don't feel completely comfortable at his mother's house!! On top of that I was constantly having to worry about toting around clean work clothes, etc! It's a very exhausting lifestyle and we had a NUMBER of fights about it.

BUT. Get this. He refuses to rent... because it's a "waste of money." He says he is "saving to buy a house." Umm? I tried to convince him to rent a house with me, I think I got him to budge a little, but anytime I would try to talk to him about one, or go look at one, he was completely dis-interested.

SO, after months of begging him, etc. I said, "EFF IT!" and put $ down on an apartment without saying a word to him, and moved in by myself, across town from his mother's. He was appalled that I did this, but I kept telling him he was selfish for expecting me to keep doing what I was doing! By the way, right after I moved in, my car completely died and cost me another $800 to have fixxed, thanks to all those miles I had been putting on it.

Now here's the thing... I'm much happier now that I have my own little space, I lived on my own before but had a roommate... So I'm proud of myself for doing it (and I'm back in school also and have a plan for that)..... BUT I'M NOT HAPPY!! Because the living situation hasn't changed. Not even a little bit. In the 4 months I have been here, he's stayed 3 nights with me and had a bad attitude every time. He rarely, if ever, comes over. But yet I love being around him so much that I still spend the night at his mom's 5 nights a week, if not more. So between rent, cable, and internet I'm paying at least $800 a month. I'm angry.

I should add real quick that houses ARE extremely cheap in our area, but until I finish school and have a RELIABLE, STABLE, CAREER, I refuse to buy a house... especially before being married!!! Neither one of us are in a position financially to do so. That's why I am so frustrated, because I know he will never be able to buy a house on his own but yet he uses that as an excuse not to move out of mommy's basement.

I don't know what to do. I've cried and fought with him a million times about it, and it is like beating a dead horse. My lease is up at the end of the summer and I don't know if I should stick it out til then, talk to him about renting again, and if he refuses just tell him I can't do it anymore, and TRY to walk away from him? Which would be so hard to do I also don't want to have to force someone to live with me, I want him to WANT it.. whether is it renting or buying in my eyes at this point it shouldn't make a difference. I really am happy with him, I just wish he had the desire to grow up and realize that buying a house can come down the road....

PLEASE... ANY THOUGHTS ARE MUCH APPRECIATED!!!

You should sit him down or, since you tried that already, write him a letter about how you feel...time lines included. He has to "hear" that you aren't going to stay with him under these circumstances forever. Nothing wrong with putting your foot down.

It does strike me as odd that he is miserable at your place and prefers his mother's place instead. That's weird, actually. If anything, it should be an exciting motivator for him. I live near family and can't wait to move away from this town and start a new life in an area I choose to live in. I have the plans in motion and get more and more excited the closer it gets to becoming a reality! That's the way it should be!

He doesnt really seem like hed make a stable partner for the future. Your relationship sounds like something high school kids have.

With no education, no decent job prospects, debt, and only experience to be a carpenter in an area that doesnt need them, things dont look so hot.

How will you guys be able to have an adult relationship? He doesnt seem like he could ever afford to live away from home. So how much room is there for your relationship to grow...especially since couples usually move in together, and then if things go well, get married and do the whole house and kids thing. He doesnt seem equipped for anything.

Im all about love. Trust me. That matters a lot. But personally, I find a woman lacking ambition to be unattractive and unsettling...so I can see why his behavior bothers you. He needs to be realistic and plan for the future. A big part of moving forward in a relationship is a couple having their own living space together and maintaining a live together. If someone is not capable of this, and thats what you want, then maybe hes not the right guy for you.

I have no issue with people living with their parents while they save for a house, or work a good job and contribute to the household. But your boyfriend doesnt seem to have any life plans nor the ability to be an independent or contributing adult. In this day and age men and women need to be able to take care of themselves and plan for their futures.

God forbid you ever happen to get pregnant with this dude....what then?

Like I said...love is important, so of course if he feels right for you then you should fight for him and help to push him along...but a long term relationship is about many things besides only love. Stability is one necessity as well. And we all need that. We need to know that we can have a stable and happy life to help nurture the love that already exists.

Thanks you guys!

The thing is, I don't think it's the fact that he lives at home right now that truly bothers me... heck at this rate I may have to move home again at some point.... lots of people stay longer at home or move back home--- but most people do so with a timeline in mind, with goals of a future and making something of yourself. My boyfriend like I said is perfectly happy and has no plans to move out in the near future, apparently. He needs to grow up!

but it's more so the fact that he's 30, making $10.00/hr and doing absolutely NOTHING to better himself or move on with his life (while I'm working towards my degree AND supporting myself). He's irresponsible and I feel like he's afraid to grow up. He hasn't searched for a job in the carpentry business for years, and he hasn't shown me an outline of a savings plan/goal/talked with a bank, etc about buying a house.. he just merely says "I'm saving for a house" which, I'm sorry, is totally unrealistic for him seeing as he doesn't even have 5 grand in the bank (That I know). I guess my point it that despite the fact that I really honestly do love him, his attitude and lack of sympathy for my homelessness makes it VERY HARD/ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE TO ENVISION A REAL FUTURE WITH HIM! I mean, the fact that his mommy does his laundry and cooks for him because it's "economical", disgusts me!!!!!!! At 25, and 30 years of age, that is something I should be doing for him!

Chelsea, I've thought about doing the letter idea... I suck at expressing my thoughts in person so I think if I were to write them it would come out better. And, yes I agree he should like my place better, however he is irresponsible and stays up til the wee hours of the morning, tinkering with his computer and other stupid crap (he is always building/making something) and all that stuff is in his mom's basement....

Hi everyone,

 

I have been dating my current boyfriend for a year now. We both just turned 25 (me) and 30. We met through mutual friends and everything was great in the beginning as it always is, until we realized we have some different viewpoints on major issues! Let me give you some details...

 

I love my boyfriend very, very much. We are great friends, we get along, I LOVE being around him, he is extremely attractive, we have an awesome physical relationship and I LOVE falling asleep and waking up next to him (all things I never experienced with my ex). Everything is wonderful... EXCEPT!

 

At 30 years old, HE LIVES IN HIS MOTHER'S BASEMENT!!!

 

And worse, he is perfectly content there! I come from a pretty well off family, and when I was living at home, my parents were constantly questioning and pushing me about my plans to go back to school, etc. He on the other hand, grew up pretty poor and so I feel like our mentalities on things are totally different. His parents divorced after 20+ years of marriage, so he lives with his mother and she does not push him to do ANYTHING (or his OLDER brother, for that matter)!!! I can understand she probably likes having them around since she's divorced, but as a parent would you really be happy seeing them do absolutely NOTHING with their lives?? This isn't normal, right?

 

 

He's got some debt he is paying off for a carpentry program he did (which, in our state, he could not find any work in that field) so he is working a **** job at 10.00/hr. He pays for his phone, and pays the house's electric bill but essentially that's it. Not a whole lot of responsibility for a 30 year old!

 

So for the first 8 months or so of our relationship, I was living at home also, but I was working 40 mins south of where I was living. And then also, because his mother has no ground rules, I was staying at his house (in between work and my parents) about 4-5 nights a week. Some days I was driving close to 75+ miles a day!!!

 

So 8-9 months in, I told him- HEY. I LOVE YOU BUT I CANNOT KEEP DRIVING/LIVING LIKE THIS! I was essentially living at his mommy's, but anytime I wanted a shower or to do laundry, I was driving 25+ mins north to do it. I don't feel completely comfortable at his mother's house!! On top of that I was constantly having to worry about toting around clean work clothes, etc! It's a very exhausting lifestyle and we had a NUMBER of fights about it.

 

BUT. Get this. He refuses to rent... because it's a "waste of money." He says he is "saving to buy a house." Umm? I tried to convince him to rent a house with me, I think I got him to budge a little, but anytime I would try to talk to him about one, or go look at one, he was completely dis-interested.

 

SO, after months of begging him, etc. I said, "EFF IT!" and put $ down on an apartment without saying a word to him, and moved in by myself, across town from his mother's. He was appalled that I did this, but I kept telling him he was selfish for expecting me to keep doing what I was doing! By the way, right after I moved in, my car completely died and cost me another $800 to have fixxed, thanks to all those miles I had been putting on it.

 

Now here's the thing... I'm much happier now that I have my own little space, I lived on my own before but had a roommate... So I'm proud of myself for doing it (and I'm back in school also and have a plan for that)..... BUT I'M NOT HAPPY!! Because the living situation hasn't changed. Not even a little bit. In the 4 months I have been here, he's stayed 3 nights with me and had a bad attitude every time. He rarely, if ever, comes over. But yet I love being around him so much that I still spend the night at his mom's 5 nights a week, if not more. So between rent, cable, and internet I'm paying at least $800 a month. I'm angry.

 

I should add real quick that houses ARE extremely cheap in our area, but until I finish school and have a RELIABLE, STABLE, CAREER, I refuse to buy a house... especially before being married!!! Neither one of us are in a position financially to do so. That's why I am so frustrated, because I know he will never be able to buy a house on his own but yet he uses that as an excuse not to move out of mommy's basement.

 

I don't know what to do. I've cried and fought with him a million times about it, and it is like beating a dead horse. My lease is up at the end of the summer and I don't know if I should stick it out til then, talk to him about renting again, and if he refuses just tell him I can't do it anymore, and TRY to walk away from him? Which would be so hard to do I also don't want to have to force someone to live with me, I want him to WANT it.. whether is it renting or buying in my eyes at this point it shouldn't make a difference. I really am happy with him, I just wish he had the desire to grow up and realize that buying a house can come down the road....

 

PLEASE... ANY THOUGHTS ARE MUCH APPRECIATED!!!

Give him an ultimatum. Say, either you start working towards moving out of mommy's house or we are done. Give him a 6 month deadline. If he really cares about you and your relationship, he'll move his @ss to get out on his own. If not, then see ya!!!

He doesnt really seem like hed make a stable partner for the future. Your relationship sounds like something high school kids have.

Kaylan, this is usually the way I describe my relationship to my girlfriends!! I really do feel like our relationship is sooo juvenile. Like I'm dating a high schooler. But he's 30! And I agree, You need all the components in a relationship, not just love.

I saw the red flags in the beginning of the relationship, but I've stuck with him for a year because I was hoping I could do just that, push him along and make him want to be more grown up and responsible. No luck thus far.

I just don't know how to have a conversation with him, and tell him everything I've been thinking for the last year, without insulting him. I also don't want to give him an ultimatum by threatening to break it off if he doesn't move in with me, but rather imply that I'm not going to be sticking around much longer if he doesn't man up and show some responsibility...

Kaylan, this is usually the way I describe my relationship to my girlfriends!! I really do feel like our relationship is sooo juvenile. Like I'm dating a high schooler. But he's 30! And I agree, You need all the components in a relationship, not just love.

 

I saw the red flags in the beginning of the relationship, but I've stuck with him for a year because I was hoping I could do just that, push him along and make him want to be more grown up and responsible. No luck thus far.

 

I just don't know how to have a conversation with him, and tell him everything I've been thinking for the last year, without insulting him. I also don't want to give him an ultimatum by threatening to break it off if he doesn't move in with me, but rather imply that I'm not going to be sticking around much longer if he doesn't man up and show some responsibility...

I think giving him an ultimatum will make him wake up and realize "wow I might lose this girl". He needs to grow the f*ck up. It sounds like you really love this guy, so give him a chance to prove he loves you too.

I think a lack of a common vision is a primary culprit for so many relationships ending.

It's happened to me more than once!

Two paths cannot become one if there is no common vision between the couple.

You can try to motivate him by threats, but I doubt it will work. Most guys have huge egos.

If he's 30, he's pretty much set in his ways. Don't get me wrong, he can still be working towards a goal and improving himself. But motivation and drive are pretty much the way they are.

I'm sorry but at 30 if you have to explain this to him, he's lacking many key qualities you want in a husband: Leadership, discipline, sacrifice (which you've done way more of than him), ability to set goals and follow-through, unresolved commitment...

Call me old fashioned (I know I'm going to get flamed here) but a man is supposed to be the leader in the relationship. Not a dictator, but a leader. He should be setting the pace and clarifying the picture of the life that you two want.

This man's vision is to live with his mom and he is fine making $10 an hour. Nothing wrong with that I suppose, but don't expect it to change. It's not lining up with what you want for you life. By the way what he wants is not very ambitious and what you are asking for isn't out of the norm or unreasonable. He should want those things too and should be working with you on a plan to make it happen.

You need a common vision It's what unites you! If you don't have this prior to marriage, then don't get married. That's why part of finding the right person is timing. If you are in different places in life, even the most loving couples can have a difficult time.

I think giving him an ultimatum will make him wake up and realize "wow I might lose this girl". He needs to grow the f*ck up. It sounds like you really love this guy, so give him a chance to prove he loves you too.

I know... is this rediculous or what but I'm afraid he would look at it the other way around like, "Oh well, her loss" or something and let me walk away. I feel like he would think that saving for a house is still more important than throwing his money away on renting a house, even though in 3 years or so I plan to have a career and be able to save for a house then and be able to support the both of us. He thinks that is too long to wait though and "now is the time to buy" But he will never be able to afford it!!!!

Trust me, I have tried telling him that money comes and goes, it's not about the money, a house will come down the road, but at this point it's about having a meaningful, ADULT relationship that can grow. I don't know how else to get through to him that it's about growing up and showing responsibility and taking us to the next step in our relationship. Maybe I should just cut my losses if I can't get through to him soon, because this issue seriously consumes my mind everyday all day, and it never seems to bother him. All he ever thinks about it the next cool thing to waste his time building, honestly..

I know... is this rediculous or what but I'm afraid he would look at it the other way around like, "Oh well, her loss" or something and let me walk away. I feel like he would think that saving for a house is still more important than throwing his money away on renting a house, even though in 3 years or so I plan to have a career and be able to save for a house then and be able to support the both of us. He thinks that is too long to wait though and "now is the time to buy" But he will never be able to afford it!!!!

 

Trust me, I have tried telling him that money comes and goes, it's not about the money, a house will come down the road, but at this point it's about having a meaningful, ADULT relationship that can grow. I don't know how else to get through to him that it's about growing up and showing responsibility and taking us to the next step in our relationship. Maybe I should just cut my losses if I can't get through to him soon, because this issue seriously consumes my mind everyday all day, and it never seems to bother him. All he ever thinks about it the next cool thing to waste his time building, honestly..

He's a fool if he thinks it's your loss if you two break up. It will be

HIS LOSS!! He's going to have this issue with EVERY woman he dates after you. Not many grown women are cool with their 30 year old boyfriend living at home with mommy dearest. It would be one thing if he was taking steps to move out, but it doesn't sound like he is. He sounds pretty content with his living situation. I honestly don't think this guy would make a good future partner for you. He sounds like the type of guy who would drag his feet with everything. He also seems like the type to not think about your concerns, your well being and happiness. Maybe it's time to give him the 'ol heave ho.

You keep mentioning that he has no money, is in debt, and has a low paying job-- yet you expect him to up and move with you?

It's clearly easier financially for him to pay for his mom's electric bill and his phone, as opposed to paying for rent, utilities, etc.

I'm fortunate in that in my age (24), I have a great career and make a great paycheck, but have I moved out yet? No. None of my friends have either (but they have even less reason to do it, they don't have careers or much less a stable job).

In this day in age, moving out is a financial burden. Admitedly, I have the means to buy an apartment now in NYC, I have the down payment. I make enough money to rent out a great place, but what does that leave me with? I'll be scrounging for money. Although to be honest, I have been slowly looking for a place-- just in case my mind changes.

He may be in the same boat. He doesn't want to be thinking about pennies every month. It's just easier to live at home.

I think you're bothered by the fact that you want this relationship to progress to a new stage, but he's reluctant to do it. Moving in together, committing to a home, having a shared responsibility? Sounds like married life to me. Maybe he sees it the same way as I do, and simply wants no part in it.

Good luck.

You keep mentioning that he has no money, is in debt, and has a low paying job-- yet you expect him to up and move with you?

 

It's clearly easier financially for him to pay for his mom's electric bill and his phone, as opposed to paying for rent, utilities, etc.

 

I'm fortunate in that in my age (24), I have a great career and make a great paycheck, but have I moved out yet? No. None of my friends have either (but they have even less reason to do it, they don't have careers or much less a stable job).

 

In this day in age, moving out is a financial burden. Admitedly, I have the means to buy an apartment now in NYC, I have the down payment. I make enough money to rent out a great place, but what does that leave me with? I'll be scrounging for money. Although to be honest, I have been slowly looking for a place-- just in case my mind changes.

 

He may be in the same boat. He doesn't want to be thinking about pennies every month. It's just easier to live at home.

 

I think you're bothered by the fact that you want this relationship to progress to a new stage, but he's reluctant to do it. Moving in together, committing to a home, having a shared responsibility? Sounds like married life to me. Maybe he sees it the same way as I do, and simply wants no part in it.

 

Good luck.

Another thing I failed to mention: during one of our numerous fights, he blurted out, "Why would I want to give away my freedoms, and have a longer drive to work!" Freedoms as in.. smoking in the house, smoking pot (He's a bit of a hippie maybe that's my problem), etc, all things I DO NOT AGREE WITH!

It's impossible to see a future with someone like this but I love him and am trying to push him to grow the hell up, stop wasting his $ on drugs and other worthless things such as stupid accessories for his van and fish tank or going to the bar

He's also said "He's ready to be married (He'd go to the courthouse tomorrow) but he's not ready for a wedding (because he can't afford it-- uh? That's where MY parents come in..)" To which I think he truly meant, he's not ready for a WEDDING because that shows all your friends and family you're growing up and starting a new life together... which requires (gasp) BEING A RESPONSIBLE ADULT!

He's a fool if he thinks it's your loss if you two break up. It will be

HIS LOSS!! He's going to have this issue with EVERY woman he dates after you. Not many grown women are cool with their 30 year old boyfriend living at home with mommy dearest. It would be one thing if he was taking steps to move out, but it doesn't sound like he is. He sounds pretty content with his living situation. I honestly don't think this guy would make a good future partner for you. He sounds like the type of guy who would drag his feet with everything. He also seems like the type to not think about your concerns, your well being and happiness. Maybe it's time to give him the 'ol heave ho.

I know, I know.. and in spite I think one time I said to him "I'm sure you'd get laid, but good luck finding a decent, GROWN woman to stick around if we break up" ....that was said in a very heated moment...

Him and I could live VERY comfortably together, despite his low income. I make about 35,000+ waiting tables right now. He wouldn't have to pitch in much, if any more than what he pays at home right now. I tried explaining that to him. I wouldn't mind picking up the rent and other stuff, as long as we lived TOGETHER and could come home to him at night, to our own bed. where I didn't have to come home to a dark empty apartment to shower, then drive 15 mins more to his moms house! I mean I pay for my rent and bills now, what difference would it really make??? You see now why it's hard to see a future when he still refuses????

Another thing I failed to mention: during one of our numerous fights, he blurted out, "Why would I want to give away my freedoms, and have a longer drive to work!" Freedoms as in.. smoking in the house, smoking pot (He's a bit of a hippie maybe that's my problem), etc, all things I DO NOT AGREE WITH!

 

It's impossible to see a future with someone like this but I love him and am trying to push him to grow the hell up, stop wasting his $ on drugs and other worthless things such as stupid accessories for his van and fish tank or going to the bar

 

He's also said "He's ready to be married (He'd go to the courthouse tomorrow) but he's not ready for a wedding (because he can't afford it-- uh? That's where MY parents come in..)" To which I think he truly meant, he's not ready for a WEDDING because that shows all your friends and family you're growing up and starting a new life together... which requires (gasp) BEING A RESPONSIBLE ADULT!

Ahhhh he's a pot head. It all makes sense now. He lacks real motivation because of the weed. Been there, done that with men and I hated it. If you don't agree with his pot use, why are you still dating him? Getting him to give that little habit up is going to be nothing but an uphill battle. Forget it, girl!! The "moving in together" battle is nothing compared to the "I don't wanna give up the weed" battle.

He condricts himself as well. He'd marry you tomorrow, but won't move out of his mother's house? So would he expect you to move into her house? Hahahahahaha what a joke. Tell this stoner goodbye.

Him and I could live VERY comfortably together, despite his low income. I make about 35,000+ waiting tables right now. He wouldn't have to pitch in much, if any more than what he pays at home right now. I tried explaining that to him. I wouldn't mind picking up the rent and other stuff, as long as we lived TOGETHER and could come home to him at night, to our own bed. where I didn't have to come home to a dark empty apartment to shower, then drive 15 mins more to his moms house! I mean I pay for my rent and bills now, what difference would it really make??? You see now why it's hard to see a future when he still refuses????

He smokes pot at age 30? Major red flag!

You can take everything said here and multiply it by 10.

Clearly you want something from him and he doesn't want it from you.

You're looking for a long term relationship and you're pushing him to change and mold him into what you think is right.

He isn't ready to do that. You shouldn't be looking to change the man, that's an incredibly horrible thing to do. Let him find his own path to "growing" up. It seems wayyy to motherly of you to even try. I would be smothered if you did this to me.

Either leave him, or put up with it. You shouldn't be so focused on getting him into a deeper relationship, or even act "more his age."

He is comfortable with his life as is, why you're trying to **** with it? He doesn't want you to mess with it, then why should you?

The biggest tell for me was when you mentioned the wedding and marriage thing. You're pretty much just asking for it. To dump his lifestyle and jump into you. I think that's ****ed up.

I'm not trying to be an ass, I'm just stating it as is-- from a man's perspective.

Clearly you want something from him and he doesn't want it from you.

 

You're looking for a long term relationship and you're pushing him to change and mold him into what you think is right.

 

He isn't ready to do that. You shouldn't be looking to change the man, that's an incredibly horrible thing to do. Let him find his own path to "growing" up. It seems wayyy to motherly of you to even try. I would be smothered if you did this to me.

 

Either leave him, or put up with it. You shouldn't be so focused on getting him into a deeper relationship, or even act "more his age."

 

He is comfortable with his life as is, why you're trying to **** with it? He doesn't want you to mess with it, then why should you?

 

The biggest tell for me was when you mentioned the wedding and marriage thing. You're pretty much just asking for it. To dump his lifestyle and jump into you. I think that's ****ed up.

 

I'm not trying to be an ass, I'm just stating it as is-- from a man's perspective.

You are a man who doesn't believe in relationships, Fondue. So it's hard for you to understand. What OP is asking is far from unreasonable. Most 30 year old men should be looking to settle down and start a life with a woman. Not live with mommy and smoke weed all day. It's not f*cked up at all to expect that from a man she's been dating for a number of months. I'm not saying they should get married right now, but moving in together is the natural progression of a relationship. This relationship sounds like it's straight out of highschool. I can totally understand OP's frustrations.

I've seen this kind of situation play out over and over again.

The answer is usually the same.

You came here looking for advice, but I think deep down.. you already know where this is heading.

No where.

As deeply as you care, as much as you love.. this man *can not* and *will not* give you what you want. It doesn't matter how badly you wish it were different. You can not change who he is.

You can keep wasting your time, burning away the years one at a time waiting for this man to become the person you wish he was.. or you can let go.

I don't believe in ultimatums, because they're ultimately about trying to control another's behaviour.

Instead, come to peace with your decision to do what's right for you. Sit him down and explain the reasons you feel you've been given no choice but to end the relationship.

If you need more practical advice.. an excellent book to check out is;

"Too good to leave, too bad to stay"

http://www.amazon.com/Good-Leave-Stay-Step-Step/dp/0452275350

It'll give you some objective truth about your current situation.

Wish you the best.

Him and I could live VERY comfortably together, despite his low income. I make about 35,000+ waiting tables right now. He wouldn't have to pitch in much, if any more than what he pays at home right now. I tried explaining that to him. I wouldn't mind picking up the rent and other stuff, as long as we lived TOGETHER and could come home to him at night, to our own bed. where I didn't have to come home to a dark empty apartment to shower, then drive 15 mins more to his moms house! I mean I pay for my rent and bills now, what difference would it really make??? You see now why it's hard to see a future when he still refuses????

The last thing you want to do is live with someone who doesnt pull their weight.

Resentment will grow from such a situation and it will kill the relationship.

The last thing you want to do is live with someone who doesnt pull their weight.

 

Resentment will grow from such a situation and it will kill the relationship.

Very true. You'll be the bread winner and he'll have his low income job and his pot habit. You will be miserable. HE will also be miserable because he will feel like less of a man if his girlfriend/wife has to pay most of the bills. It will lead to major issues in your relationship.

You are a man who doesn't believe in relationships, Fondue. So it's hard for you to understand. What OP is asking is far from unreasonable. Most 30 year old men should be looking to settle down and start a life with a woman. Not live with mommy and smoke weed all day. It's not f*cked up at all to expect that from a man she's been dating for a number of months. I'm not saying they should get married right now, but moving in together is the natural progression of a relationship. This relationship sounds like it's straight out of highschool. I can totally understand OP's frustrations.

While I think I am getting what you are saying, my brow still furrowed a little reading this. Why "should" a typical 30-year-old man be looking to settle down? I'd actually say there's a lot of people who got married and reproduced who never "should" have.

And I hope that the next person you date seriously decides to settle down with you, NOT because he's getting at that age and you're the woman who is right in front of him, but instead, because he just can't see himself living without you.

I'm well over 30, and I personally wouldn't think of settling down with a woman UNTIL I felt that way about her. I am looking forward to meeting her, but I haven't met her yet, and while I'm looking for her, I'm not going to rush it. I don't think this makes me immature or anything.

Getting back to the OP, you ignored the obvious red flags and fell in love anyway. I'm going to be nice *this time* and not use the expression "bad judgment on your part", but hopefully you're not shocked that things are turning out the way they are now.

Anyway, the likelihood of him "changing" at this point is pretty low. We do change for a woman, but the times we do, that's almost always at the beginning of the relationship when we are trying to impress you. That he let you drive 75+ miles all these days to see you, it is clear that you both are way past this point. We sometimes change so we don't lose you, but that's actually less often, and it tends to be a lot less lasting. Sorry.

^A typical 30 yr old should at least have their life together so when the time does come to settle down, they can do so without hassle.

And I agree with your point about her ignoring the red flags. Thats something I dont do anymore because Id rather not waste my time.

Here's a cliche you should think about. Men marry women hoping they will change and women marry men hoping they do. If he's a pot head at 30 living in his mothers basement AND is ok with that, his brain is hard wired and probably won't change. I'm 30 and live at home and am embarrassed by it. Yeah I'll have a degree next year but when I hear classmates talking and I hear roommate I get embarrassed on the inside. I've been out before but it's ok for right now I guess plus I'm 9 classes including this semester from a bachelors.

OP you need to cut your losses before you are even MORE emotionally invested in this loser. And sorry but that's what he is.

Lesson you can take away from this situation--never get involved with a "project". Never date someone thinking you can change them. If he was 28 when you met and in this situation, you should have RUN, not decided to take him on like a wounded puppy.