complex situation

I am 26 and I have slept with over 100 girls, until very recently I have been extremely proud of that fact.

About six months ago I met a very nice girl who had only been with one man in her entire life.... her name is Naomi and she is 29. Naomi had been separated from her husband for about one year. She had never really gone out and drank or partied that much until she met my group of friends.

She would come out to the bars with all of my rowdy guy friends and never really drink that much. She was hit on all the time but she always had an intrest in me.

At the time I was a douchebag player who drank too much. I was having sex with a couple different girls, just casual hookups. I tried to kiss Naomi four times before she let me makeout with her. We developed a relationship and finally she told me that she wanted me to be her second..... and we had sex.

She asked me not to tell anybody and I respected her wishes. I told her that she should live life and experiment with being single for the frist time. At the time she was just one of many girls that I was sleeping with but I respected her as a friend.I wanted her to experience life, maybe find a good boyfriend since I was un-dateable .

Not too long after Naomi and I hooked up, she got really drunk and ended up sleeping with an acquaintance of mine. The night it happend Naomi really wanted to see me, she called and sent texts to me but unfortunately I was blowing her off to sleep with some other girl.

Later that week, a friend of mine told me that Naomi had hooked up with this guy. I called Naomi to confirm the story, she told me that she that it didn't happen. About an hour later she came over to my house and told me the truth.

She said "I was so drunk that I barely remember it happening, but I do remember it was consensual sex." She went on to say that she must have walked home afterword and slept in her own bed.

"When I woke up I felt so ashamed I told myself it was a dream and tried to forget about it" she said.

I was very nice to her about this..... I tried to cheer her up saying things like, "it's not the frist time someone made a drunk mistake" and "people usually make that mistake in college, you just made it a little later in life".

Many of my guy friends hazed her for doing this. One of my friends even called her a whore to her face... My friends are extremely promiscuous and sometimes mean to women. I have always been nice and desecrate with my sex, even though I have a lot of random encounters.

I went on having sex with Namoi and didn't really give it much more thought. For six months we kept sleeping together, she was only faithful to me. I on the other hand was terrible, sometimes I would have sex with her and two other women in the same day. On a couple occasions I convinced her to have threesomes with me, which was just me having sex with another girl in front of her.

I was very happy and carefree..... until..... I fell in love.

NOBODY TOLD ME IT WAS LIKE THIS!!!!

I realize now how immature and horrible I've been. I've had to deal with all the things that I have done to women and all the pain I've caused.

and now my ego has suffered a huge assault because some other douchebag has ****ed my girl.

Now that I'm writing this I feel really stupid... I deserve all the feelings that I am feeling. I can't stop blaming myself for not being there for her that night. She is the most genuine person I've ever met. She is very supportive and kind, funny and very attractive.

I've only seen her drink heavily twice in the year i've known her and I know that people make bad decisions when confused and drunk. She says that she didn't intend on sleeping with anyone that night, that she just went to a friends house to sleep on the couch and the guy was sleeping in the same room. She had know him for a couple of months... just never thought of him that way.

I have a very vivd image of this hookup in my head and it kills me. On top of all of this the guy who hooked up with her is a total douchbag, he sleeps with super slutty girls all the time. He hangs out with everyone I know and he has told everyone that he hooked up with Namoi. This got a lot of hi-fives from everyone because she was the untouchable gril for so long.

so...

I now have been dating Namoi for 5 month... and in this time completely stopped hanging out with any of my old friends. My excuse for cutting them out of my life is that they are douchbags and I want to be a grownup. But I feel like the real reason is I dont want to face the embarrassment of dating a girl who was just some easy lay for a douchbag. I also don't want to be around this guy....

I used to see girls who I hooked up with dating someone, I would feel like I had a one up on that guy........ Now I feel like a loser, and it sucks. And some guy has a one up on me....

Namoi wake's up every day truly happy being with me.... and I wake up and feel a dark cloud of regret cover my heart. I still bring up her one night stand and she hates it. She says that it was her mistake and she owns it but she doesn't want to relive it. I on the other hand am obsessed with her sleeping with this guy even though it was 9 months ago.

We fight sometimes and I have tried to leave her.... but I can't. She loves me too much to leave me.

I deserve everything that I'm going through..... I was such a dirtbag before. I just had never been in love.

I really feel like I could marry Namoi.... but what if I never get over her one slip-up....

I know that I'm the whore.... shes the good one.

Does anyone have any advice?

It sounds like your heart is trying to talk yourself into believing that her being with the other guy was not that big of a deal, but your head is telling you otherwise.

Yes, have no right to be angry at her since you did the same thing. You have done much worse, and you see the double standard.

Men don't want their women to be moral equals- they want someone morally better than them.

As a man, you want your woman to be all yours. No matter how many women you have been with or cheated with.

You know what you SHOULD feel, and intellectually you know that you are being unfair. But you feel what you feel, politically correct or not. And you want her to be "pure" (or at least good).

Her actions go against what you want your woman to be like.

This is your issue. There is nothing that she can do to make this better for you.

No matter how you spin it, she got drunk and hooked up with another guy. Her image is tainted. Your friends know about it, so your ego is bruised. This really bothers you.

Namoi wake's up every day truly happy being with me.... and I wake up and feel a dark cloud of regret cover my heart.

It doesn't sound like you can free yourself to be happy with her. This may be a dealbreaker for you.

You need to accept what she did, or move on. Sweeping it under the rug, avoiding talking about it, minimizing it or it's effect on you...all that will make things worse. This isn't going to go away. It's not fair for you or her to drag the relationship out if it's not working for you.

One of the biggest mistakes people in relationships make is ignoring the things that bother you, because you like or love other things about the person. Over time, that one thing that bothers you will be like a flashing red light, and it will overshadow the good stuff. It is better to just find someone that is an ideal partner for you.

An ideal partner for you would be someone that is faithful, loyal, not casual about sex, committed. You may be more likely to meet your ideal in places other than clubs or bars.

When she hooks up with 98 more random guy skanks to even the score, then you might have earned the chance to whine. Jesus, life ain't ALL about your pathetic di*ck and where it's been - or whose was there before you.

You say you want to be an adult? Then put on your big boy pants and quit acting like a baby who thinks the world revolves around your schlong. When you're an ADULT, your first thought in the morning and last thought at night WON'T be about the scumbag friend who go to your girlfriend first.

Jesus. I feel like I'm watching the morons from the Jersey Shore.

I am 26 and I have slept with over 100 girls, until very recently I have been extremely proud of that fact.

 

About six months ago I met a very nice girl who had only been with one man in her entire life.... her name is Naomi and she is 29. Naomi had been separated from her husband for about one year. She had never really gone out and drank or partied that much until she met my group of friends.

 

She would come out to the bars with all of my rowdy guy friends and never really drink that much. She was hit on all the time but she always had an intrest in me.

 

At the time I was a douchebag player who drank too much. I was having sex with a couple different girls, just casual hookups. I tried to kiss Naomi four times before she let me makeout with her. We developed a relationship and finally she told me that she wanted me to be her second..... and we had sex.

 

She asked me not to tell anybody and I respected her wishes. I told her that she should live life and experiment with being single for the frist time. At the time she was just one of many girls that I was sleeping with but I respected her as a friend.I wanted her to experience life, maybe find a good boyfriend since I was un-dateable .

 

Not too long after Naomi and I hooked up, she got really drunk and ended up sleeping with an acquaintance of mine. The night it happend Naomi really wanted to see me, she called and sent texts to me but unfortunately I was blowing her off to sleep with some other girl.

 

Later that week, a friend of mine told me that Naomi had hooked up with this guy. I called Naomi to confirm the story, she told me that she that it didn't happen. About an hour later she came over to my house and told me the truth.

 

She said "I was so drunk that I barely remember it happening, but I do remember it was consensual sex." She went on to say that she must have walked home afterword and slept in her own bed.

 

"When I woke up I felt so ashamed I told myself it was a dream and tried to forget about it" she said.

 

I was very nice to her about this..... I tried to cheer her up saying things like, "it's not the frist time someone made a drunk mistake" and "people usually make that mistake in college, you just made it a little later in life".

 

Many of my guy friends hazed her for doing this. One of my friends even called her a whore to her face... My friends are extremely promiscuous and sometimes mean to women. I have always been nice and desecrate with my sex, even though I have a lot of random encounters.

 

I went on having sex with Namoi and didn't really give it much more thought. For six months we kept sleeping together, she was only faithful to me. I on the other hand was terrible, sometimes I would have sex with her and two other women in the same day. On a couple occasions I convinced her to have threesomes with me, which was just me having sex with another girl in front of her.

 

I was very happy and carefree..... until..... I fell in love.

 

NOBODY TOLD ME IT WAS LIKE THIS!!!!

 

I realize now how immature and horrible I've been. I've had to deal with all the things that I have done to women and all the pain I've caused.

 

and now my ego has suffered a huge assault because some other douchebag has ****ed my girl.

 

Now that I'm writing this I feel really stupid... I deserve all the feelings that I am feeling. I can't stop blaming myself for not being there for her that night. She is the most genuine person I've ever met. She is very supportive and kind, funny and very attractive.

 

I've only seen her drink heavily twice in the year i've known her and I know that people make bad decisions when confused and drunk. She says that she didn't intend on sleeping with anyone that night, that she just went to a friends house to sleep on the couch and the guy was sleeping in the same room. She had know him for a couple of months... just never thought of him that way.

 

I have a very vivd image of this hookup in my head and it kills me. On top of all of this the guy who hooked up with her is a total douchbag, he sleeps with super slutty girls all the time. He hangs out with everyone I know and he has told everyone that he hooked up with Namoi. This got a lot of hi-fives from everyone because she was the untouchable gril for so long.

 

so...

 

I now have been dating Namoi for 5 month... and in this time completely stopped hanging out with any of my old friends. My excuse for cutting them out of my life is that they are douchbags and I want to be a grownup. But I feel like the real reason is I dont want to face the embarrassment of dating a girl who was just some easy lay for a douchbag. I also don't want to be around this guy....

 

I used to see girls who I hooked up with dating someone, I would feel like I had a one up on that guy........ Now I feel like a loser, and it sucks. And some guy has a one up on me....

 

Namoi wake's up every day truly happy being with me.... and I wake up and feel a dark cloud of regret cover my heart. I still bring up her one night stand and she hates it. She says that it was her mistake and she owns it but she doesn't want to relive it. I on the other hand am obsessed with her sleeping with this guy even though it was 9 months ago.

 

We fight sometimes and I have tried to leave her.... but I can't. She loves me too much to leave me.

 

I deserve everything that I'm going through..... I was such a dirtbag before. I just had never been in love.

 

I really feel like I could marry Namoi.... but what if I never get over her one slip-up....

 

I know that I'm the whore.... shes the good one.

 

Does anyone have any advice?

I get this. Its probably also a battle that going on with your own past behaviour. It might be that ultimately things will not work out with Namoi, but I think what's more important here is you might be in the midst of a major life change in terms of the type of women you are looking for now.

Namoi seems like a gem, but there are more out there and she might be a bridge to those people, but I suspect you have been looking in the wrong place most of the time. These gems are out there, and you found one. It you can't handle this, then make her your friend.

I've experienced something similar myself. When you meet someone like this, it changes everything and there is no going back to the old ways of safe, meaningless sex.

I agree, Women In Blue. However, I know men like this. They know they are wrong, but knowing that doesn't stop those nagging doubts.

Knowing intellectually that they are being insecure and unfair does nothing to stop their mind movies, suspicions, uneasy feelings, etc.

If the poster tries to make this work, it will likely result in him being mistrustful, suspicious and having mind movies of his girl with the other guy. He may build resentment for her and subconsiously punish her for not being the woman that he feels he deserves. It's not fair for her to have to deal with his insecurities.

My husband and I broke up for eight months while we were dating over 20 years ago. I was with another guy during our break up. My husband still has not gotten over this. It doesn't matter if he was with other girls during this time. It bothers him DEEP TO HIS CORE that another man had me- regardless of his own actions.

You can call it male ego, male pride or immaturity. But whatever you call it, it's real and doesn't usually go away.

It's better for the poster to just do both of them a favor and move onto someone that meets the moral standards that he has for a woman.

I am not agreeing with the posters mindset or double standard, I just think this is a very deep primal-like feeling that is unlikely to ever change.

I agree, Women In Blue. However, I know men like this. They know they are wrong, but knowing that doesn't stop those nagging doubts.

 

Knowing intellectually that they are being insecure and unfair does nothing to stop their mind movies, suspicions, uneasy feelings, etc.

 

If the poster tries to make this work, it will likely result in him being mistrustful, suspicious and having mind movies of his girl with the other guy. He may build resentment for her and subconsiously punish her for not being the woman that he feels he deserves. It's not fair for her to have to deal with his insecurities.

 

My husband and I broke up for eight months while we were dating over 20 years ago. I was with another guy during our break up. My husband still has not gotten over this. It doesn't matter if he was with other girls during this time. It bothers him DEEP TO HIS CORE that another man had me- regardless of his own actions.

 

You can call it male ego, male pride or immaturity. But whatever you call it, it's real and doesn't usually go away.

 

It's better for the poster to just do both of them a favor and move onto someone that meets the moral standards that he has for a woman.

 

I am not agreeing with the posters mindset or double standard, I just think this is a very deep primal-like feeling that is unlikely to ever change.

After reading these forums for a long time now, and based on my own male experiences and stories of friends, I really wonder if the male ego takes a bigger hit than a woman's ego.

I feel like women almost expect men to cheat, to lie, to betray. Women can feel betrayed, but I wonder if women almost expect it. You hear women talk about the cheating men all the time, and the women get together and self-medicate each other through their discussions.

I think men don't expect women to cheat on them as much and so are more affected and unprepared for their emotional experience. Just a theory.

Does anyone have any advice?

Yeah, Grow up.

I think men don't expect women to cheat on them as much and so are more affected and unprepared for their emotional experience.

Except Naomi didn't cheat on him. They weren't a couple at the time. Naomi was single and she did what every single woman has the right to do.

As for the OP, do the poor girl a favor and cut her loose. She is way too good for you. Why does she even like you?

And for the love of God, get a full STD panel before you have sex with anyone else.

When she hooks up with 98 more random guy skanks to even the score, then you might have earned the chance to whine. Jesus, life ain't ALL about your pathetic di*ck and where it's been - or whose was there before you.

 

You say you want to be an adult? Then put on your big boy pants and quit acting like a baby who thinks the world revolves around your schlong. When you're an ADULT, your first thought in the morning and last thought at night WON'T be about the scumbag friend who go to your girlfriend first.

 

Jesus. I feel like I'm watching the morons from the Jersey Shore.

Seriously! I could not agree more! This is just so totally ridiculous I can't even wrap my head around it. Wtf.

I can not believe that you have the gall to bring up the ONE guy she slept with when you f*cked who knows how many women during the same period! I feel bad for this poor girl but I also wonder what the f*ck is wrong with her that she's willing to put up with your bullsh*t. Have you been totally honest with her about how many girls you've been with, how you treated them, how many you've f*cked since you've known her, etc?

If it's any help, she was lying through her teeth when she said she had only been with one guy before you. She has probably been with quite a few men, including your douchey friend. Sometimes it's easier to wrap your head around the fact that she has likely had a normal sex life with several partners in her 29 years as opposed to her being with just one previous dude, you and douchey boy. Part of the reason they tell these kinds of "low number" lies is to get men all twisted up and conflicted... looks like it worked like a charm on you.

Oh and btw, though you have been a glutton in your sex life, people want what they want, there's nothing worse in your preference, as a manwhore, for a relatively chaste woman than in a 5'4" woman's preference for a man 5'11".

there's nothing worse in your preference, as a manwhore, for a relatively chaste woman than in a 5'4" woman's preference for a man 5'11".

What the hell does height have to do with it? A person's height says nothing about their personality or their values. It's not hypocritical for a woman of normal height (5'4") to be attracted to a man of normal height (5'11"). That's very different from expecting a certain behavior from your partner, when your own behavior is the exact opposite.

Except Naomi didn't cheat on him. They weren't a couple at the time. Naomi was single and she did what every single woman has the right to do.

 

As for the OP, do the poor girl a favor and cut her loose. She is way too good for you. Why does she even like you?

 

And for the love of God, get a full STD panel before you have sex with anyone else.

Good point, but I don't think it matters in the context of my point. He fell for her and her behaviour started to matter to him.

What the hell does height have to do with it? A person's height says nothing about their personality or their values. It's not hypocritical for a woman of normal height (5'4") to be attracted to a man of normal height (5'11"). That's very different from expecting a certain behavior from your partner, when your own behavior is the exact opposite.

I wasn't attempting to make an airtight analogy, merely used the first pervasive double standard that came to mind. 5'11 is not average, but let's go ahead and make it 6', there are lots of women who prefer that who are average height. Preference for chastity by a manwhore and preference for tall men by a short woman (the relative "averages" are irrelevant) are both double standards. The difference between 5'8" and 5'10" is only two inches (take a second and measure this with your fingers), yet makes a world of difference to many women. I could list many double standards involving behavior and values also, a woman could prefer a man who never gets emotional for example, while she herself gets emotional constantly. The point that escaped you is that the mere existence of a double standard in one's preferences is not a sign that one is a "bad person" or "hypocrite." I don't want to get into all the reasons it's more reasonable for a man than a woman to expect a certain level of chastity, as have done that over and over here, and posters just refuse to discuss the reasoning and start flames.

how dare you bring up her ONE indiscression!!! in comparison to your numerous conquests

truely loving someone is accepting them and what they do or did and NOT holding it against them.

how difficult is it just to not bring it up? just try not bringing it up ever again! she doesnt deserve your guilt treatment and as long as you keep bringing it up you wont have a chance together.

get over it or set her free to find someone who is grown up and not infatuated with their ego.

My husband and I broke up for eight months while we were dating over 20 years ago. I was with another guy during our break up. My husband still has not gotten over this. It doesn't matter if he was with other girls during this time. It bothers him DEEP TO HIS CORE that another man had me- regardless of his own actions.

 

You can call it male ego, male pride or immaturity. But whatever you call it, it's real and doesn't usually go away.

I really appreciate your advice on this subject....

DEEP TO MY CORE is an excellent way of describing the way I feel.

Does your husband still have a hard time with this? I'm just worried that I will feel this way forever, because I don't think I could ever leave Namoi.

I might find the strength to leave her but it's doubtful, I feel like I would have left her already if I was going to do it.

I'm just waiting for the day that I say to myself "I havent thought about that in a long time."

Right now I think about my pain most of the day.

Was there a point at which your husband got better? Did he ever obsess about it or was he normal? Was there anything that helped him?

Thanks again for your advice

I really appreciate your advice on this subject....

 

DEEP TO MY CORE is an excellent way of describing the way I feel.

 

Does your husband still have a hard time with this? I'm just worried that I will feel this way forever, because I don't think I could ever leave Namoi.

 

I might find the strength to leave her but it's doubtful, I feel like I would have left her already if I was going to do it.

 

I'm just waiting for the day that I say to myself "I havent thought about that in a long time."

 

Right now I think about my pain most of the day.

 

Was there a point at which your husband got better? Did he ever obsess about it or was he normal? Was there anything that helped him?

 

Thanks again for your advice

if you find you cant get past an event in your mind there are ways of helping you with that, when a past event stops us enjoying our lives thats when the memory has become a fixed point, a blockage if you will.

you might find CBT or EMDR can help you. believe me i was one of those people who would roll their eyes at the idea of therapy but i feel amazingly so much better in myself and I think it would also help you to forgive yourself for the way you have behaved in the past.

I know i sounded harsh but to be honest I think everyone deserves a chance. if you are truely sorry but cant get past it then there are ways to do so, and i just think everyone should know that because if i had known this years ago i wouldnt have wasted so many years feeling unhappy.

its actually romantic in a way 'the love of a good woman' made you see yourself differently. that can only be a good thing. learn to forgive her and yourself.

REALLY?!?! Wow!

Well, the only thing I would suggest is you two going to couples counseling to see if you can get that big elephant out of the room. But I wouldn't be surprise if the counselor slaps you in the head and calls you a hypocrite, because I would......

Sorry, to be blunt.....

Was there a point at which your husband got better? Did he ever obsess about it or was he normal? Was there anything that helped him?

 

 

It does not consume him, but he does think of it sometimes.

For about two years it was always on his mind. We had many tearful late nights while he tried to come to terms with it. He would go from being affectionate and loving one second, to cold and distant the next. He had a battle going on his mind trying to reconcile our reality with his dreams and expectations.

Now it has faded into occasional thoughts. Sometimes it pops up during the times we are having the most fun together. It's like he is in bliss, but then the thoughts of me with the other guy shock him into reality. I can tell by the look on his face when it happens. Total mood shift.

We have rehashed every detail of the encounter a million times, and he still feels that he doesn't have all the info he needs to let it go. He wanted step by step replays, which I provided as I wanted to be honest. It has been so long now that I can't even remember it all. When I am honest and tell him the sex sucked, he accuses me of trying to spare his feelings.

This really hurts me because my husband is the best lover a wife could ever ask for. He satisfies me in every way, but his insecurity about the other guy robs him of the confidence he should feel with regards to our sex life.

He knows logically that he is wrong for feeling this way, but knowing he's wrong doesn't stop the feelings. It's not like he blames me, it's more like he blames himself and just wishes it had never happened.

Although I know he loves me with all of his heart, I can tell this situation causes him a lot of inner conflict. He asks all the questions and won't let it go because he is trying to find a way to make it okay for him...but it all honesty, it's not okay for him.

We are still a happy couple, with a family now, but I know that he would see us as "perfect" if that had never happened.

Having been through this, I would advise both people in the relationship to just move on. There have been many arguments, tears and pain because of this and in retrospect it would have been healthier for both us find someone without that negative history.

Having been through this, I would advise both people in the relationship to just move on. There have been many arguments, tears and pain because of this and in retrospect it would have been healthier for both us find someone without that negative history.

it would have likely been healthier for you but... he himself has an issue that is probably entirely independent of you that, he may have brought into his next relationship...

the "afflicted" person who is doing the "afflicting" needs to figure out the cause of all the anguish and deal with it or, selflessly decide not to involve others if they can't overcome it...

it would have likely been healthier for you but... he himself has an issue that is probably entirely independent of you that, he may have brought into his next relationship...

 

 

I don't think it is a defect that a man wants his woman all to himself. I think that it is a natural feeling for a man to have, and denying that feeling will create a lot of inner conflict for him.

I think when we are young and in love we overlook things about people that may be important.

To continue in a relationship where something bothers you, deep to your core, is unhealthy. For both people. It is much easier to break up and find what you are really looking for. Because down the line when you have kids and a mortgage, you will have a lot more to lose.

If you are confident in yourself and what you want in another person, you shouldn't settle for less unless you can get to a point where it no longer is an issue for you. Ignoring your doubts will only make them fester, and resentment will begin to set in and a dark cloud will hang over the relationship.

Although this will anger a lot of women, many men do feel a sense of ownership over their woman. Regardless of their own actions, they want to be with someone honorable. This is not uncommon, MANY men feel this way. Yes it is wrong, but it's reality. They feel what they feel.

Informing someone that they are wrong for feeling that way doesn't change the fact that he feels it. There are OW on Loveshack that know logically they should never love someone else's husband, but knowing that doesn't stop them from feeling the love.

This guy is seriously bothered by this, and to tell him to just get over it isn't going to work for him.

I don't think it is a defect that a man wants his woman all to himself. I think that it is a natural feeling for a man to have, and denying that feeling will create a lot of inner conflict for him.

 

I think when we are young and in love we overlook things about people that may be important.

 

To continue in a relationship where something bothers you, deep to your core, is unhealthy. For both people. It is much easier to break up and find what you are really looking for. Because down the line when you have kids and a mortgage, you will have a lot more to lose.

 

If you are confident in yourself and what you want in another person, you shouldn't settle for less unless you can get to a point where it no longer is an issue for you. Ignoring your doubts will only make them fester, and resentment will begin to set in and a dark cloud will hang over the relationship.

 

Although this will anger a lot of women, many men do feel a sense of ownership over their woman. Regardless of their own actions, they want to be with someone honorable. This is not uncommon, MANY men feel this way. Yes it is wrong, but it's reality. They feel what they feel.

 

Informing someone that they are wrong for feeling that way doesn't change the fact that he feels it. There are OW on Loveshack that know logically they should never love someone else's husband, but knowing that doesn't stop them from feeling the love.

 

This guy is seriously bothered by this, and to tell him to just get over it isn't going to work for him.

I completely agree with this. I thought this was the issue when he first posted, not whether he is worthy of a relationship or not.

*Sigh* Really? I think this is a crock of bologne. This woman comes along and knocks you out of your douchiness and you have the nerve to blame her for your problems? Saying "snap out of it" is totally appropriate. Quit laying your inability to process your own feelings of guilt and shame of how you treated other human beings at this poor woman's feet. Do her a favor and break up with her and get your azz in therapy and do the necessary work to clear up your own issues. Puhleeze...blaming others for your actions is not going to work. The only thing I find commendable in this story is that you admit you were a total douche bag. Get over yourself already!

I don't think he is blaming others. I think he realizes he has no right to be upset about this. But he still is upset, regardless. What I see is that he loves and cares for her, but he has certain standards in mind for the woman he spends the rest of his life with. Her actions fall short of his ideal, and he is having trouble coming to terms with it.

He can go to therapy. It will help him explore ways to cope with the anxiety and mind movies. He can choose to live his life by the standards he expects from other people.

But I don't think a man is defective or has an affliction if he wants a woman to be exclusive to him. I don't think he needs therapy because it bothers him that she was with someone else. I think this is a normal, male response when he discovers that a woman he loves was sleeping with someone else.

And I think that it is smart and healthy to recognize our limitations and listen to our gut feelings.

Just like the online poster has been judged for his actions, his girlfriend will be judged for hers.

If you have a drunken one night stand, judgement from others is a consequence of that behavior. We are all judged for our actions.

When a woman has a drunken ONS, she has to realize that some people, especially men, will see her as a slut. If she thinks she can just say "it was a mistake" and that everyone will go back to viewing her as a "good girl", she is very naive.

When man behaves that way, he is seen as a player or womanizer, and not usually judged as harshly.

It is a double standard, but double standards are everywhere. We all wish for equality and fairness, but this is the real world.

For example, a girl at the office cried at her desk over an argument with her boyfriend. Other people were comforting her, and although she was seen as emotional and immature, the judgement was minimal. Imagine if a man cried at his desk at work. He will likely be viewed as a wimp and a p*ssy.

I think the bottom line is to honor your true standards, and apply them to both yourself and others. If his girlfriend doesn't meet his standards, he should move on so both of them can find someone more compatable.

Deleted re-read your response.

I don't think he is blaming others. I think he realizes he has no right to be upset about this. But he still is upset, regardless. What I see is that he loves and cares for her, but he has certain standards in mind for the woman he spends the rest of his life with. Her actions fall short of his ideal, and he is having trouble coming to terms with it.

 

He can go to therapy. It will help him explore ways to cope with the anxiety and mind movies. He can choose to live his life by the standards he expects from other people.

 

But I don't think a man is defective or has an affliction if he wants a woman to be exclusive to him. I don't think he needs therapy because it bothers him that she was with someone else. I think this is a normal, male response when he discovers that a woman he loves was sleeping with someone else.

 

And I think that it is smart and healthy to recognize our limitations and listen to our gut feelings.

 

Just like the online poster has been judged for his actions, his girlfriend will be judged for hers.

 

If you have a drunken one night stand, judgement from others is a consequence of that behavior. We are all judged for our actions.

 

When a woman has a drunken ONS, she has to realize that some people, especially men, will see her as a slut. If she thinks she can just say "it was a mistake" and that everyone will go back to viewing her as a "good girl", she is very naive.

 

When man behaves that way, he is seen as a player or womanizer, and not usually judged as harshly.

 

It is a double standard, but double standards are everywhere. We all wish for equality and fairness, but this is the real world.

 

For example, a girl at the office cried at her desk over an argument with her boyfriend. Other people were comforting her, and although she was seen as emotional and immature, the judgement was minimal. Imagine if a man cried at his desk at work. He will likely be viewed as a wimp and a p*ssy.

 

I think the bottom line is to honor your true standards, and apply them to both yourself and others. If his girlfriend doesn't meet his standards, he should move on so both of them can find someone more compatable.

I think you are stretching it with the "good girl" comment. As a woman, if I made a mistake and corrected whatever was going on with me that lead me there in the first place, I would not care what others thought. More importantly, I would not worry about trying to project a "good girl" image nor would I be trying to get one back. I would not stay with a man who viewed women in this way either. I really think you are over generalizing on this one, quietstorm. If someone wanted to continue to judge me based on a mistake, that's on them and it wouldn't matter to me. I don't need people like that in my life. As long as I learned from it and it helped to improve my life in some way, that is all that matters.

What about all of the married couples who recover from a wife having an A? Do your same rules apply?