So Much Pain!!

I hate this, I truly do!!! I am having the most horrible and agonizing time with this, it's been six days since my SO and I had the talk where I was trying to tell him I love him and wanted to take the relationship to exclusivity, put a stupid label on it....and eleven days since he held me in his arms. I've cried every day since I last saw him because I miss him, I can't get him out of my mind and the only time I am happy is when he does contact me. Yes, I know, we should probably go no contact, but I can't...I don't want to lose him...even as a friend. I truly can't see myself with anyone else and I need him in my life, even if it's just as a friend. I told him he was right, this was going to be bad for me from now on because I can't stop what I feel. I can't continue to just live in the moment and look at this relationship as "fun and casual" and if we are not seeing someone else, we should visit each other. If he doesn't feel the same way and is keeping his options open, I don't want to be going down this path of loving him so much and get blindsided that I am the only one not keeping my options open. It's not that he is looking for anything else, but the possibility that we both should be keeping our options open is probably being very realistic. I just can't go there when I feel this way, there are no options...only that person I love.

He is still there for me and I know that he always will be. He remembered something that no one else did and popped up to ask me about it the other day, then went the extra mile to help me on an issue that I had. He didn't have to do that, but he did. That's the longest we had talked this week until last night, but I can't talk to him about how I feel anymore, how this is killing me and how I am hurting. It still feels so unresolved to me. I wake up crying because he is the first thing on my mind, I go to sleep crying because he is the last thing on my mind. I had to run to the restroom three times at work to cry because I can't stop thinking about the fact that I will never see him again. I can't concentrate and I feel like my nerves are coming unglued...feeling like I am being ripped apart at the seams...all because I just wanted to hear those words...I love you. I should have just left it alone and swallowed my feelings...but they were very real and valid to me and I know that I should be allowed to have them.

I know that I should learn from this and be grateful for the lessons and finally being with someone who treated me better than any man ever has (and yes, I know this part doesn't seem like he did, because he was afraid to put into words what he showed me with his actions), but I've never had a man in the past who was caring, compassionate, affectionate, who listened to me and cared about what I was feeling...someone who is always there no matter what the status of "us" is. I can't just stop thinking about how happy we both have made each other over the past year, stealing glances at each other when we are together, the way he would watch me, the way I loved looking at him, how much we just liked being together, laughing together, holding each other, being goofy. It kills me inside knowing that I will never have that with him again in a relationship capacity. He seems to think that I only feel these things because there is a distance between us, that I could or will feel this again one day with someone else...but they won't be him because HE was all of this to me. I didn't imagine any of these things, they were very real to me.

I don't know where the future might have gone, wasn't ready to have that talk yet of moving, living together, marriage or any of that. I just wanted to know that my feelings of loving him were validated because it is a very real feeling for me about HIM, not the idea of him, not because he is a safety net of not having to be in a real relationship because of the distance. To me, loving someone despite the obstacles, is living in the moment. Loving them when they are being great and not so great, that's very real and that is how I have come to love him. Having all the elements of a relationship, is a relationship. I can't get over the thoughts of my friends and family telling me how happy I have sounded over the months, especially when I am with him...and it's true, I was the happiest I had ever been. Knowing that people who know him would tell me how much happier he seemed to be. So why, why have I destroyed this by letting my heart get away from me? How do I stop feeling what I am feeling....when will I stop crying and how do I get over this? I truly feel like I have lost the best thing that ever happened to me.

Thanks for sharing your story - I'm so sorry you're going through so much pain. I've been there and I know how much this situation sucks.

But the following paragraph may have been the most important part that you wrote:

I can't continue to just live in the moment and look at this relationship as "fun and casual" and if we are not seeing someone else, we should visit each other. If he doesn't feel the same way and is keeping his options open, I don't want to be going down this path of loving him so much and get blindsided that I am the only one not keeping my options open.

I can see that it's breaking your heart to be with someone who won't consider you as "exclusive". If you're not cool with his terms for the relationship then you really are better off taking a step back. There's nothing worse than giving your all for someone who can't prioritise you at the moment.

I think you know this because you expressed it perfectly above, so trust your instincts, respect your head and your heart, and above all respect your needs. You deserve someone who will give you exclusivity and who treats you like a princess. Be brave and don't accept second best. You will get through this.

RoseT - thank you so much for this reply, you have no idea how much that means to me to hear it like this. I know that this isn't easy on him either, I know I mean a lot to him and he is not one to just turn off his feelings either.

But yes, I need to respect my head and my heart....as well as my needs. That need was to feel safe with my feelings about him, to be able to express that to him without fear. But I know it's true that if he isn't able to do that with me, I need to work on healing from this and work on me.

But yes, I need to respect my head and my heart....as well as my needs. That need was to feel safe with my feelings about him, to be able to express that to him without fear. But I know it's true that if he isn't able to do that with me, I need to work on healing from this and work on me.

YES! See, you knew it all along, really. In these moments your head needs to tell your heart: 'you can't make good decisions at the moment, leave it to me. I'll take responsibility for what happens now'. You know that you have to love yourself more than this person. You sound really strong, even if you don't feel it. Your instinct is telling you all the right things - you will heal from this and find someone who is the happiest man on earth when you tell him you want to be exclusive with him. Don't ever doubt that.

This is still so hard....I'm over 30 days crying now...it hits me in the car on the way to work, it hits me at work...even in meetings...I even cry myself to sleep at night. I took his picture down, the one of us...I've even put away his shirt and won't sleep in it anymore. But I can't cut contact with him. Just a couple of weeks ago he said that he loved being with me, us being together. He likes how I truly care for him and that it's nice to be good to someone and get that back from an honest place.

In the past 24 hours, I've had to truly readjust myself to trying to just be a friend even though it breaks my heart even worse. He opened up and told me that he had some mixed feelings because someone was flirting with him....and yes, I could see it and noticed that he was flirting back. He has met her and was indifferent to how she treated him...but none-the-less, it's the inevitable change that I knew would one day come. So now I am at the cross-roads of how can I just continue to be his friend and watch myself be replaced in his life...and asking myself why do I keep hurting myself like this??? I know that I should just cut it all off....delete him from everything but I truly don't know how to just let go of him.

This whole experience has just really taught me that no matter how good someone is to you, there are no guarantees that they feel anything for you at all. I mean, you read the signals....it starts to feel like a real relationship and then WHAM...boy you were reading that so wrong. I know now that I never want to be this vulnerable to this kind of pain again and now I feel so gagged in being able to even talk to him about how this is hurting me because I know that he will just talk me out of my feelings...and I find that disrespectful to how I feel. Valentine's Day this year will be the worst day I've ever had, it would have marked a year ago that we finally met. I hate how my friends and family can see this on my face...some days it's even hard to fake a smile.

could you fill in some blanks? maybe i am not absorbing everything. i have been grieving for months and it may be i am not reading all the content here.

1) how long have you been together?

2) is this a long distance relationship?

3) were things starting to seem like he was fading a bit and then you said you wanted to be exclusive? or were or did you fel things were going good on HIS end with you so you asked for it to be exclusive?

4) then did he just say he wanted you guys to be friends only after that?

a bit confused

I'm just as confused...but I will try to answer as best I can.

1. 11 months ago we met...have known each other over a year.

2. Yes, long distance

3. No, he wasn't fading at all really that I could tell after our visit last month...but have noticed him fading since I pushed for the exclusivity. I asked for things to be exclusive right after the visit...it was our sixth visit in 11 months.

4. He hasn't come right out and said we are only friends formally...but for him to tell me about another woman he is thinking about, I can only conclude that is what I am now.

I should probably add too that he recently said that he doesn't flirt with other women because he didn't want to jeopardize what we had...but now I see him openly doing it and can't help but think how stupid I am now.

... So now I am at the cross-roads of how can I just continue to be his friend and watch myself be replaced in his life...and asking myself why do I keep hurting myself like this??? I know that I should just cut it all off....delete him from everything but I truly don't know how to just let go of him...

LostMyHeart,

I can't help but wonder why you keep hurting yourself like this, too. Make a list of the pros and cons of being friends with this guy. Does he still make you feel as good as he used to, or are you just holding on to memories of when it was good?

You say you don't know how to let go of him. Boy, I hear that. I didn't know either. But, I did it. And if I can do it, you can do it. Here's the steps I took:

(1) put everything that reminds me of him in boxes and hide the boxes in a closet;

(2) delete his number from my cell;

(3) delete his email addresses from my contacts;

(4) promised myself I would not drive by his new place or try to run into him at all the old haunts and kept that promise; and

(5) last but not least, and most difficult, delete him and all of his family members from FB.

It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I never thought I would not have him in my life. But, here I am without him in my life. And, I'm starting to see how my life is going to kick ass once I finish pulling myself out of the blah that is heartbreak.

You should cut all ties so you can stop crying, eventually. It will hurt, and you will question yourself. But, it's what you have to do. The way it's going, you're never going to be able to get over him. It's possible to get over him. You're stronger than you know.

Good luck!

....I can't help but wonder why you keep hurting yourself like this, too. Make a list of the pros and cons of being friends with this guy. Does he still make you feel as good as he used to, or are you just holding on to memories of when it was good?

That's a very good question actually...does he make me feel as good as he used to...he can in a minute, but not as a friend...but by giving me scraps of hope...but that's me holding on isn't it?

I know that I am holding onto memories of when it was good...and I have been doing all I can to suppress them from my mind lately to stop the hurt. But that is so hard....

You should cut all ties so you can stop crying, eventually. It will hurt, and you will question yourself. But, it's what you have to do. The way it's going, you're never going to be able to get over him. It's possible to get over him. You're stronger than you know. Good luck!

I know that I need to for my own healing....but it just seems so cold to do that. Here I am thinking about him, his needs and feelings....and it doesn't even seem like he is really considering mine. At least that is how it feels to me right now.

ug so frustrated just wrote you about a page response that i thought would be helpful and bring clarity and lost the whole message. i will try to remember what it was and write you back again when i get time again. sighs..

basically i was telling you that i have been in LDR and that i know the kind of pain you're experiencing. and that i have a disability and i am Not supposed to cry..if i can help it. it causes fluid build up in my head..and makes my condition worse. but that when i lost my LDR and best friend i was devastated...(still am) and i haven't cried this much in years. just a mere sensitive program on TV can make me cry. its all related to the grieving i am going through. so your post really stood out to me and spoke to me , because i can really relate to that. i feel gutted everyday. some days now are a wee bit better..but this is the hardest thing ever.

(this is not what i wrote before...wish i could remember it all..dang when we loss things we type )

anyway...i questioned the friend things too. can i be friends. i REALLY wanted to be...still do. after all this was my best friend for years. he suggested friends but was never a real friend since he brought us to an end.

but i realized this is the time they need to be a friend to YOU. not the other way around. he cant expect you to put up with his flirting with others. you haven't separated yourself romantically from him yet. you haven't even wrapped your head around this whole thing. he just laid this on you. but i think its good that you told him that you wanted to be exclusive. and why shouldn't you be exclusive? you have been with him for 11 months and seen him 6 times in an LDR..that's quite a bit. especially if you talked day and night everyday. being exclusive doesn't mean getting married. it meant promising yourselves to each other. did he just expect to not do this? give you an std perhaps if he was with someone else? you needed to know where you stood and was entitled to find out where this was going to some degree. so i think its good you found him out NOW.

the only thing else it could be is that maybe he got spooked and this would ONLY be the case if you nagged him everyday...sounded needy as heck....sounded and acted very insecure. then he would have second guessed himself...or you.

he couldn't just possibly expect you to be his visiting fling. if he did...thank GOD he is gone..or going. he sounds selfish.

if he was wonderful..he would understand . if he was wonderful and you were all needy and spooked him...thats another story. but what guy flirts with other women in front of them? i think there are red flags here and i know that doesnt take away the pain.

there is a book called....When your lover leaves you...six stages to recovery and growth..by richard g. whiteside MSW. its just a a little book but it tells about the stages of pain and recover when youre left by someone. i think its good to box stuff up too. and hide it out of the way. and get busy. but there are time when you will have to think of things and process the pain..so that it wont surface later and a less opportune time.

i am going to also leave you with the free advise on this site ..you read by chapter...http://www.mcwilliams.com/books/books/sur/

its called how to survive the loss of a love. but maybe you should read that when youre stronger because there are poems in there that will make you cry. (trust me) but i really related to the poetry in this book. i have the book at home but found it online for free.

and my favorite post (or one of) is from Mcgrupp here on LS. you have to read his whole post to appreciate it. made me laugh and cry. here it is:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t244265/?highlight=mcgrupp

anyway hang in there. one day at a time..MAKE yourself happy. even if its with some stupid little thing. write down the one little thing you did each day to make you happy. even if it was eating something you love. get hugs from family and friends too. God bless

but i realized this is the time they need to be a friend to YOU. not the other way around. he cant expect you to put up with his flirting with others. you haven't separated yourself romantically from him yet. you haven't even wrapped your head around this whole thing. he just laid this on you. but i think its good that you told him that you wanted to be exclusive. and why shouldn't you be exclusive? you have been with him for 11 months and seen him 6 times in an LDR..that's quite a bit. especially if you talked day and night everyday. being exclusive doesn't mean getting married. it meant promising yourselves to each other. did he just expect to not do this? give you an std perhaps if he was with someone else? you needed to know where you stood and was entitled to find out where this was going to some degree. so i think its good you found him out NOW.

Thank you so much for this, I am so sorry that this dredges up old memories for you, I hope you are doing okay. I really have needed to hear other perspectives from people who are in the same boat as me. It's truly hard for some people to understand because they haven't been through the distance issues. I mean, I am basically getting from my friends who haven't been there that I need to see this as two people who were just seeing each other for sex and nothing more and just find a local guy to do that with...they don't understand the other elements that went into this situation because most of them have been single for years and that is how they treat men and get treated in return. And I am just not the type of person to do what they do...there has to be meaning, emotions, establishment of a foundation before I can get to that part of a relationship.

This had all the elements of a relationship, talking everyday, supporting each other in many aspects of our lives, affection, caring, issues, forgiveness, making up outside of the physical closeness. We had both been in very long relationships/marriage before, so it's not like either one of us were into the dating game or fooling around. He even said he knew what he signed up for when I asked a time or two if this was too hard on him with the distance.

the only thing else it could be is that maybe he got spooked and this would ONLY be the case if you nagged him everyday...sounded needy as heck....sounded and acted very insecure. then he would have second guessed himself...or you.

I do think this is the case, that he got spooked, and he has gotten spooked before about his feelings. I've asked him before if I was needy, just because I enjoyed that interaction with him everyday...just to make sure I wasn't being a bother when he was busy or stressed. He always told me no, and I think that he liked being needed and can be needy himself. Since I asked for the exclusivity, we have limited contact a lot in comparison to how we used to talk before...and since he laid this on me the other day...I've limited it even more because I am having such a hard time with it. I have to literally make myself refrain from texting him...and even worse, I know I have to stop checking where that relationship with this other woman could be developing. That is obsessive, but I hate being in this position of not knowing what I really am to him anymore.

he couldn't just possibly expect you to be his visiting fling. if he did...thank GOD he is gone..or going. he sounds selfish.

 

if he was wonderful..he would understand . if he was wonderful and you were all needy and spooked him...thats another story. but what guy flirts with other women in front of them? i think there are red flags here and i know that doesnt take away the pain.

I know this, in my head, I know I do. He's flirted in the past with others that didn't really mean anything to him...sometimes I think as a way in his insecurity. Spooked seems more the cause this time and perhaps even a way to get me to let go and for him to let go himself. He has never really looked for anyone local and even recently stated that he wasn't looking for anyone else....but I have had a problem with catching him on dating sites and that added to my insecurity because to me, that is looking. (red flag) This was why I wanted the promise, I wanted to keep seeing him, but with my heart involved, I wanted some reassurance or safety in that. Now enter a real person for him that turned his head and made him second-guess us, I guess I have my answer and it makes me think that I didn't mean that much to him, not as much as he meant to me. The worse part about loving someone so much is being rejected, especially when you have made yourself so vulnerable to them. That's the part that hurts so much, giving so much of yourself and finding that it meant so little or that it wasn't enough but you have no more of yourself to give.

A part of me does want to believe that the reason he backed off of the exclusivity was due to the distance...more that it became real to him that he would have to commit to going stretches of time of being alone. And I do realize that is hard. The expense of it all, the wanting of someone physically there when you come home from work...these are all things that he brought up as reasons.

And adding to that, not knowing where I stand, what right do I have to even ask for anything else from him....in regards to his heart, I can only surmise there was really none of that for me if he can cut that off so easily. In retrospect, I do hope that it was not his thinking that this was just a long distance fling, that I meant more than that, but to be able to suddenly allow someone else to turn his head that quickly shows that he was already letting me go before I was.

anyway hang in there. one day at a time..MAKE yourself happy. even if its with some stupid little thing. write down the one little thing you did each day to make you happy. even if it was eating something you love. get hugs from family and friends too. God bless

Thank you so much for the book reference and the thread, I will read those and take from them what I can. I stated to him recently after I told him my feelings that I did need to stop putting my happiness in him and find better ways to make myself happy, not with another person, but within myself. That's what being secure and confident in a relationship should be...not putting all your happiness in another person, because there are no guarantees in life that this person will be with you forever (not anymore these days). He stated that you should be able to put your happiness in someone else, two people can make each other happy...that's true too, but only if there is balance. I know how to live without someone, but it will be a while before I trust enough to live with or be in any form of relationship with someone again. I can't even imagine someone else ever meaning as much to me as he did.

Hi there.

I´m afraid I don´t have much to contribute as I´m pretty much in the same situation as you atm. I´ve read through what you´ve been writing here, and believe me, I can feel your pain. My boyfriend (don´t know if I´m gonna call him ex or not yet, but i guess so...) and I live in total opposites of the world. I just got back home from living one year with him in his country (we´ve had LDR for about 1,5 year). We had the most wonderful time, and a few days before i had to go back home he told me out of the blue that he´s not ready or willing to go through the LDR again, and he´s got other plans coming up (a new job that he wants to focus on). It broke my heart and I am devastated, it´s been 3 weeks now since we last saw each other and held each other. We´re still in contact and he texts me quite often, telling me how much he loves me and misses me (not good for my healing process i know...) and just random conversations. I´m trying to change my mindset and only think of him as a friend, but it´s just really difficult and it´s been so much going on since I got home, both emotionally and just adjusting to being back home again.

I guess i just wanted to let you know that I know what you´re going through, i really do. It will get easier as time goes on, we just have to be strong. It feels like I´m in a tornado right now with all the mixed emotions, but at some point that will ease too. Trying to keep busy is a good idea, go and buy something nice for yourself and just put yourself first. But I know how it feels to have Him on your mind from the minute you wake up till the minute you go to sleep, and I know the feeling of how you don´t think you´re ever gonna meet anyone as good as him, I´m there right now. Anyway, hugs!

Hugs to you as well...I'm so sorry for what you are going through...to have lived with him for a year in his country, you are so lucky to have gotten that opportunity to be that close to the person you love. It sounds like he got depressed at the aspect of the distance again. That going home part can be so hard on both.

That part becomes so real...and gets harder everytime. I know it did for me because my home was no longer where my heart was. If I could have had any reassurances that there was more between us, I probably would have been moving in a heartbeat to be closer to him. Not everyone has that luxury though I know. Sometimes I think he wanted that, but felt he would be selfish to ask that of me. Then again, that may have been me reading things wrong as I am not really sure what men think anymore. I wish it would just get easier.

Im going through the same thing...the most wonderful man, and relationship i've ever had. He spent so much time reassuring me that we would still try and make this work long distance.. joked about me moving with him, flying me back and forth.. telling me not to worry..and now that he's leaving, he says he can't do a LDR. However, he has done them before and i don't understand how i am not good enough to do this with. I am perfectly capable of moving with him after we date a little longer so it won't be a disaster, but he doesn't even want to try. He decided to take a 2 week vacation before having to start a new job and getting no vacation time..so he completely left. today is the 3rd day and I am heartbroken. I'm trying to give him space and he did not talk to me yesterday, but i still find it so hard to believe that he won't soon, but i am continually disappointed. he said we can talk about it when he comes back which is just making me hang on edge while he is out having a good time.. I feel your pain as well and wish we didn't have to go through this!

Now your situation hits close to home as well, i dated a guy for years who was scared to death to put a title on the relationship. it was long distance a few months out of the year but other that that we were in the same area. People knew we were together, there was all the feelings and everything that goes along with a normal relationship, except the " i love you" and title...he was scared to death of being forced to be exclusive. He actually had no rationale for it either.. the longer we dated, the more difficult it got and the worse the fights got about it.. we broke up multiple times over this reason because he would get scared and had huge commitment issues (not even that he cheated on me, he just was afraid of a "title") and every time he came back saying he missed me and everything and we would start the cycle all over again for 4 years.... Now, 2 years later he tells me how dumb and immature he was.. we are both totally over it however. I spent an extremely long time recovering from this.. and i really wish i was strong enough to have realized and not have put myself through that for so long. I have issues now trusting men and now i am scared to death of a "title" for no reason because of this guy. i know how you are feeling, and that no one is on your side, because they probably hate him for doing this to you. You will come to terms with it, and actually laugh at yourself someday for allowing this guy to have you, as well as think he can do whatever he wants. Not going to lie, it was a long and hard road with constant hope that things would change.

And thanks! it helps for me to know that i am not alone, and hope that i can be as strong as you are being.. this time around i just don't feel like it!

i am sad to say, that i think it goes beyond being commitment phobic.

like in the book, "he's just not that into you" it says, a guy will often say "i don't want a commitment", break up with you, and then go and be committed to someone else. they may have been "into" us at one time , but are no longer now. and it's not necessarily that they don't want to be in a relationship, it's that they don't want to be in a relationship with us. . i have really come to believe this and have seen this to be true first hand. something changed in them causing them not to want to be with us anymore.

You will come to terms with it, and actually laugh at yourself someday for allowing this guy to have you, as well as think he can do whatever he wants. Not going to lie, it was a long and hard road with constant hope that things would change.

 

And thanks! it helps for me to know that i am not alone, and hope that i can be as strong as you are being.. this time around i just don't feel like it!

Honestly...not sure if it is strength or not...I wish I were strong but I had to go NC with him tonight...and I feel horrible, but I have to save me...that little part of me I have left. It's time for him to move on and see what life has to give him, and who am I to take that from him? He thinks that it is me, but I hear him...the problem is, he doesn't hear me. He tried to reassure me that he wasn't looking for anyone....I loved hearing that...but...."she" is there now...and I can't go through it with him as a friend. I have no one but him...has always been just him. It's too hard and brings back too many bad memories of my ex doing that to me. He needs to find his own place in life without me in it..he knows that or he should.

i am sad to say, that i think it goes beyond being commitment phobic.

 

like in the book, "he's just not that into you" it says, a guy will often say "i don't want a commitment", break up with you, and then go and be committed to someone else. they may have been "into" us at one time , but are no longer now. and it's not necessarily that they don't want to be in a relationship, it's that they don't want to be in a relationship with us. . i have really come to believe this and have seen this to be true first hand. something changed in them causing them not to want to be with us anymore.

He probably will find the best love he has ever known actually...and I love him enough to know I hope that he does.

well if hes smart he will pick you. you are truly in love with him.

hugs

I am, but it's time to stop....and I have to figure out how to do that.

Thanks...Hugs to you too.

Hi Lostmyheart,

so sorry for the pain you're feeling right now. I think you're doing the right thing for you, and i wish you strength and happiness. Keep posting, even if just to pass time (every minute helps:)

((hugs))

Dealing with this kind of pain is tough. I remember how intense it was at the beginning. Here are some strategies that really helped me (some might be controversial - sorry).

1) Distract yourself - movies and good books were the best ways for me. Shopping is fun too - just be careful not to overdo it.

2) Write poems (which you will NOT send to your ex)

3) sleep

4) get a prescription from your doctor for an anti-anxiety drug like valium (tell them you just had a breakup or that someone has died) and take it on really bad days and then either sleep or clean your house lol.

5) meditate - put on yoga music, close your eyes, imagine a white light emanating from the middle of your chest, and repeat a mantra to yourself "let me be well," "i am enough," etc etc. I swear to GOD this works so well.

6) ride the wave - know that this emotion will be better in a short while - intense emotional pain usually comes in fits and starts

7) post on loveshack

8) call the suicide hotline 1-800-SUICIDE (not that you are suicidal, but just to have somebody to talk to)

9) talk to a friend who you know loves you unconditionally (and will not stop hanging out with you just because you obsessively cry over your ex)

10) write letters to your ex (which you will NOT, I repeat NOT send to him/her)

11) love yourself - allow yourself time to grieve, cry, sit in bed and eat cookie dough (i know this is gross, but works for me), and generally feel depressed. This is a NORMAL response to pain like this.

12) practice NO CONTACT - this is essential to moving on.

Hang in there. It will get better I promise (((hugs))) You are valuable and your ex is a piece of sh** for not acknowledging that.

Thanks MakeLemonade, I know a lot of these things I must do and will get through it. I know I am valuable to my friends, my family...etc.... but he's not a piece of sh**, I can never think of him in that way. If someone doesn't love you, they just don't.....you can't make them.

Can I be upset with him, yes...can I not like the way he treats me sometimes, yes.....can I heal from loving someone that meant everything to me, I truly hope I can. This no contact is so I can get my head straight...and yes, eventually move on to being secure in myself and being able to remember the good memories of him without it hurting so much.

I think one of the worse things about getting through this are all the things you go back over in your mind and second guess yourself because you are missing them so much.

If a man tells you that he has noticed someone and if the opportunity were there he might give it a shot...then adds that person (who is single and looking for men) to his FB account...it's time to back off right? He can tell you all day long that he is not looking or pursuing or that he thought they had a boyfriend...but in his mind, he's already declared that he is attracted.

It's time to let go and let things progress for him. Not to paint him in a bad light because I understand that he doesn't really know what he wants and there are no guarantees with this person or the next....but I do agree that something within him has changed.

In honesty, I think that he wanted me to be the one to stop because in his mind, it would not be him hurting me...he wouldn't be the bad guy. Just a little honesty would be nice....you just can't hold on to one person but be looking for something else.

i think you hit the nail on the head. your last post makes a lot of sense

It does doesn't it....it seems so black and white....but the gray area is where the solution is....and that is letting go now before more and more pain gets dumped in on it.

The very real side of it, if I were to hang on and be that person for him until he moves onto to someone else is me accepting it...and I find that unacceptable. I'm bad for anticipating the proverbial other shoe to hit the floor, but in reality...that shoe dropped.

Sorry, just self-talk to keep my resolve up.