My story.

I have been watching this thread for a month and just now getting up the guts to post what has happened/is happening with me.

My H left me early in December. We had a fight a week prior, and I mentioned I was thinking about leaving him/divorce. That week it was kind of odd between us, when I would hug him he "felt" empty, and he was a bit distant. We did things that got on each others' nerves, probably unintentionally. He came home from work one Sunday and told me he wanted a divorce. I admit: I begged, pleaded, asked for counseling, but he was bent on ending this relationship.

His reasoning was that I will never change: I am stubborn, prideful, unforgiving, and it takes me a few days to cool down when I get mad. There wasn't any abuse in our relationship, no violence, no addictions, no infidelity (from my end anyway).

We have been together about 5 years, married 2, no kids (we both agreed on that before we got married). I went the next day and got set up with a counselor. My H was insistent that he did not want counseling but I said I would get one for myself to make me a better person. So I did and I have 100% full intentions of doing all I can.

He came and emptied the apartment of all his things over the next two days, leaving me without pots and pans and a microwave for a few weeks (I am unemployed and been looking for jobs, I get unemployment though).

He was very insistent that we split all the bills that are in both our names, so we split the cell phone bill, the insurance, he kicked me off of his health insurance (open enrollment month), and I signed the truck over to him (I have a car, but my name was on the truck he was paying for). Well I am glad I did because he totalled the truck the next day, his fault. He didn't tell me he did either, I found out from his grandparents when I called to tell them.

I do not harass him, I don't call him, text him, bother him, anything. I found out that he is living in his friend's basement (a married man from work). He told me last time we spoke that he would call me to set up the time to go do the divorce papers.

I am staying strong about this, I love him and will just give him the divorce he wants since I am such a bad wife. I have been praying a lot for myself and him, and anyone going through this kind of thing. I know it took two people to mess this relationship up, but I am fixing what is wrong on my end.

Just thought I would post this to get it off my chest. If anyone has questions or comments I will answer them.

I'm sure some of ya'll have questions for me, maybe some insight into the situation? It helps me to vent when I can talk about it. Is he a GIGS? A Walk-away spouse?

He told me several times there was not someone else. Part of me doubts that but he was always truthful in our relationship, as lying was a HUGE dealbreaker with me.

I would think that he has been thinking along these actions, and you gave him the perfect out by telling him the D word.

For me as a man anyway, to hear this from your woman pretty much takes the wind out of the sails.

My guess, he's been thinking this for awhile, an didnt want to have the guilt of doing it, and you gave him a free pass.

There is a good chance there is someone else. Hard for a man to walk out the door unless you have been a piece to live with.

NC him, and you will have your answer very quickly.

BF

I will never change: I am stubborn, prideful, unforgiving, and it takes me a few days to cool down when I get mad. There wasn't any abuse in our relationship, no violence, no addictions, no infidelity (from my end anyway).

 

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Ok, no one's perfect, assuming there is no infidelity you are probably both to blame for this. Do any of his criticisms ring true?

Duck Duck Goose... I'm so sorry for the situation that you are in... I'm sure this entire experience has been very painful. It's very good that you have come to LS to vent and talk to other people about when you're going through... as holding it all in only makes it worse!

It is a shame that you both have only been married 2 years and he is willing to throw in the towel. There must be other factors at play, and ballerfamily eluded to a few of them. You are doing the best that you can do right now. Try and take a deep look at your relationship, identify areas where you could have improved and where you could have realized the red flags that he was raising to you. I'm not saying that this break up is your fault, but since he is unwilling to participate in counseling to save your relationship... this is all you have.

No matter what happens, you will come out of this situation a stronger and healthier person. You will be able to recognize vulnerabilities in your partner and maybe be a little more cautious in saying things that you do not mean (like telling him the D word, when you clearly didn't really mean it). ... I know, it's easy to do... not trying to be hard on you... we've all done it.. but it's hurtful.

Good luck and take this one day at a time....

Duck Duck Goose... I'm so sorry for the situation that you are in... I'm sure this entire experience has been very painful. It's very good that you have come to LS to vent and talk to other people about when you're going through... as holding it all in only makes it worse!

 

It is a shame that you both have only been married 2 years and he is willing to throw in the towel. There must be other factors at play, and ballerfamily eluded to a few of them. You are doing the best that you can do right now. Try and take a deep look at your relationship, identify areas where you could have improved and where you could have realized the red flags that he was raising to you. I'm not saying that this break up is your fault, but since he is unwilling to participate in counseling to save your relationship... this is all you have.

 

No matter what happens, you will come out of this situation a stronger and healthier person. You will be able to recognize vulnerabilities in your partner and maybe be a little more cautious in saying things that you do not mean (like telling him the D word, when you clearly didn't really mean it). ... I know, it's easy to do... not trying to be hard on you... we've all done it.. but it's hurtful.

 

Good luck and take this one day at a time....

Donewrong

FWIW

The remorse you have shown, guys like me could only have wished for. What Next will step to the plate soon. Keep working at it. Your one of the good ones.

Ok, no one's perfect, assuming there is no infidelity you are probably both to blame for this. Do any of his criticisms ring true?

Yes, which is why I am getting couselling. I admit my part in the downfall of the relationship. I have had time to reflect, and write things down to take to my counsellor. I am not too stubborn, prideful, angry, or unforgiving to see that I messed up too. I have started going to church as part of my counselling and learning to forgive and be forgiven. In just a few weeks I see how much forgiveness there is in the world, even in people I had written off for little things... this has really been an eye opener!

There are things I could have been more forgiving about, things I could have been less stubborn about. But there are also things he could have done differently. I am willing to work on my issues as should be anyone in this situation.

My fear is less for myself than for him. He doesn't want counselling, not even IC for himself. He will just get into another relationship and hit the same wall again and again if he doesn't recognize the problems in himself too. It will be a bad cycle

I told my wife "my feelings have changed about you" years ago while I was going through a tremendous amount of pain. The fact of the matter is that I didn't mean it, and only said it to solicit a response from her which I never got. She carries that with her to this day all while nothing was said over those years (and was an afterthought to me). I have to deal with that.

If you told him "I mentioned I was thinking about leaving him/divorce" then he probably took that quite literally even if you didn't mean it (and gave him that option out). I agree that you need to take things day by day, don't give up hope and certainly don't think you're a bad wife. It takes 2 to tango.

Duck Duck Goose... I'm so sorry for the situation that you are in... I'm sure this entire experience has been very painful. It's very good that you have come to LS to vent and talk to other people about when you're going through... as holding it all in only makes it worse!

 

It is a shame that you both have only been married 2 years and he is willing to throw in the towel. There must be other factors at play, and ballerfamily eluded to a few of them. You are doing the best that you can do right now. Try and take a deep look at your relationship, identify areas where you could have improved and where you could have realized the red flags that he was raising to you. I'm not saying that this break up is your fault, but since he is unwilling to participate in counseling to save your relationship... this is all you have.

 

No matter what happens, you will come out of this situation a stronger and healthier person. You will be able to recognize vulnerabilities in your partner and maybe be a little more cautious in saying things that you do not mean (like telling him the D word, when you clearly didn't really mean it). ... I know, it's easy to do... not trying to be hard on you... we've all done it.. but it's hurtful.

 

Good luck and take this one day at a time....

I did say a lot of things in anger that last week, but I did not yell or cuss him out (Oh I wanted to but it would have made matters worse). I realized after I said them they were dumb, but that is what happens when your mouth writes a check your ass can't cash.

A few posts on here, and other threads I've read mention that people won't leave unless there is "someone else". He is welcome to go find someone else. I

just hope and pray that he does not get a disease from her, or she doesn't abuse him, etc... get him stuck with kids he doesn't want/can't afford. I guess that is not up to me though.

I just keep praying that he will be guided along the right path in life, and be protected along the way.

Yes, which is why I am getting couselling. I admit my part in the downfall of the relationship. I have had time to reflect, and write things down to take to my counsellor. I am not too stubborn, prideful, angry, or unforgiving to see that I messed up too. I have started going to church as part of my counselling and learning to forgive and be forgiven. In just a few weeks I see how much forgiveness there is in the world, even in people I had written off for little things... this has really been an eye opener!

 

There are things I could have been more forgiving about, things I could have been less stubborn about. But there are also things he could have done differently. I am willing to work on my issues as should be anyone in this situation.

 

My fear is less for myself than for him. He doesn't want counselling, not even IC for himself. He will just get into another relationship and hit the same wall again and again if he doesn't recognize the problems in himself too. It will be a bad cycle

You need to do your intel on this, and find out if there is an OW. Splitting the cellphone accounts is a huge red flag. If you start accusing him he will just deny it. You cannot heal your relationship if he is having an affair.

You need to do your intel on this, and find out if there is an OW. Splitting the cellphone accounts is a huge red flag. If you start accusing him he will just deny it. You cannot heal your relationship if he is having an affair.

He wanted all the bills split, not just the cellphone. I signed the truck over to him (which he totalled the next day and still owes $7000 on), he turned in his key to the apartment but I had the locks changed anyway, I got the internet contract signed over to me, and I split the car insurance. He kicked me off his health insurance.

Our cell phone bill does not itemize anyway, it just shows the basic things (minutes used and texting). He doesn't use his cell phone much, mostly as an alarm He didn't change his address when he left so I am still getting most/all of his mail. The previous month's bill didn't show any unusual activity from him.

Its not to say he isn't cheating or considering it. There were some signs I didn't like during that last month. He switched from overnight maintenance at his second job, to server. When I asked why server of the three choices he had he told me it was so he could look at the girls. I got a bit defensive and he said it was just a joke. Still it stuck with me. His other two choices were dishwasher (which he loved doing because he was so good at it, but said he didn't want to do it now because nobody back there spoke english), and the job he was previously doing before he was maintenance; cashier.

Another incident in the same week we were walking around a shopping center and he was like "Did you see that guy? He looked so pissed!" I asked why he said that he was staring at his girlfriend until the guy was forced to notice and it made him mad.

While I don't mind my H looking at other women, and I do look at other men, it was very disrespectful of him to stare until the other guy was getting angry. It was disrespectful to me, who was walking right besides him.

A third incident happened the week before he left. We were driving to visit his grandparents and stopped for a stretch. There was a girl there that was hitting on him while I was in the bathroom. I got out of the bathroom and she tried to sell us a pair of earrings, saying he should get them for me because "That's what friends are for". He told me after we walked out that he thought she was hitting on him and that a girl hadn't hit on him in a long time. I told him that we both mentioned to her that we were married and her comment was malicious... that she was probably not that good of a person to say it.

This could mean that he has plans to do something regrettable. It could also just be my paranoia. Every relationship I have been in, it has always been me getting left... which has caused me to see patterns of things that maybe don't exist, or possibly do.

So an Affair could be a possibility. I don't know how much a PI costs, but there are a few spy shops in town that hire out PIs so they might not be too bad.

The man you married has reverted back to being a little boy. Or rather, a ***** teenage boy who finds excitement in checking out chicks, p*ssing off their boyfriends and enjoying feeling attractive to other ladies. He doesn't care how you feel about that and that is why he has shared with you these tidbits of very telling information. Which leads me to assume there is a whole lot more you don't know.

You had the reasons for feeling insecure in your M. You even had the reason for mentioning D the way you did. You were hoping he would declare his love for you and put behind his foolishness. Sadly, he chose to run, but before doing that he let you know how impossible you are and all your faults without any mention of his own. Off he went! The cancelling of the health insurance while you are unemployed? Lowdown. Ick.

I wouldn't waste money on a PI. If he isn't cheating now he has every intention of doing so very soon. He has moved out. He's free as a bird!

Considering the length of the M, he wasn't able to move onto a mature love with you. He's wants the butterflies. They make him feel alive. That shows his emotional immaturity and commitment phobia. You are not responsible in any way for this. Whoever he hooks up with in future it will be a union short in duration. What he does and with whom should not be a worry to you now. Love yourself first!

There are no kids so no reason to try and find the man you once married. He's gone.

. It could also just be my paranoia. .

Never ignore a "gut" feeling, unfortunately they are almost always right. Look if you don't want to stay married to the guy, don't bother checking out if he's cheating. If you do, the affair needs to be busted and the sooner the better.

Hopesndreams and Robf both make very valid points.

To me, marriage is a lifelong commitment. I took my vows seriously. The only way I would break them is in the case of adultery, abuse/violence, or addictions.

Our "problems" don't fall under any of the categories that I am aware of, otherwise I would have left... and fast.

I would do my damnedest to work it out assuming none of the above list apply. Maybe that is stupid, but those are my values.

So would I try to work it out, yes. I am only one person so I am trying to make it better on my own by making me better. Its not much but it will be worth it in the end.

And yeah... he left me with no health insurance while I am unemployed. He also left me with the apartment (rent), internet bill, etc. I have had to stand in the food kitchen line for the first time, and I did meet people who are worse off than me so I can't really complain. Thankfully the church has helped me, as have my parents. I get an unemployment check, and I look for jobs daily. This is not an ideal situation, but the Powers that Be would not give me more than I could handle.

BTW: I looked into a PI... and it costs $2000/24 hours... ugh.

I could have sworn that I posted something a few minutes ago... did it get deleted?

I will just post it again...

Today was one of those hard days to get through... I miss him like crazy... I wish I could tell him how much I love him.

Our mutual friends from college don't want to get involved because they don't want to take sides. His grandma doesn't know what to tell me except that she is sorry. He told his family that he left me because I "never listened" to him.

I was almost always more than willing to listen to him. I would stop what I was doing when he came home from work to listen to him vent about his job and crappy people, etc. I did everything I knew how to show him that I loved him with all my heart.

We agreed to no kids when we got married, but part of me was wanting to give him a child, to start a family to show how much I loved him... we were both on the fence about kids anyway. I can go either way with that.

I know this sounds desperate and rambling, maybe that is why the first post got deleted. I just really love him and miss him right now. I feel like I am losing the love of my life... my life's mate

The hurt and pain is unbearable and the best thing you can do right now is NC.

No more talking to mutual friends and his family about the M. It will make him feel railroaded and it would also give him the added benefit of an ego boost, justification for leaving you and the knowledge you are there for him, pining and waiting. Continuing to do this will make you look weak and pathetic in his eyes and what you want to do is create the illusion that you can make it without him, which in turn, makes you more attractive to him. In time, by following NC, you will slowly begin to realize that yes, duckduckgoose can make it on her own and thrive doing so.

So, going against what your heart wants to do and using your brain instead, gives him chance to wonder about you and gives you chance to breathe and rediscover YOU. By the time H realizes what he is losing, it may be too late and you won't even consider taking him back. It's either that or you live life for the man that left you, gave up on the M and is probably out carousing the streets and bars as you read this.

Choice is yours. Be strong, tough and capable putting your needs first because let's face it, if you don't love and respect yourself, no one else will. Or, keep in contact with him/his family and hear how great his life is becoming without you in it.

Oh I am not contacting him... and I will not contact his grandparents or our mutual friends about it anymore either if that is what it takes.

This is very hard. I have a promising job prospect that pays well. I am keeping my fingers crossed for it. I know getting that job... any job really... will occupy my mind.

Otherwise I just exercise, read, play with pets, walk around the park, etc. Unfortunately I have lost a LOT of weight because of this... weight that I didn't really need to lose as I am probably underweight now... I was in normal weight range before.

Glad to hear it. Good plan.

He left you. A faithful and loving W. Sure, you're not perfect, none of us are, but you are working on you and being the best you can be with the added bonus of individual councilling.

The choice of going back to you or not is no longer just his choice. So, with that in mind unless he comes knocking at your door, begging you to take him back---stay strict NC. Anything less and without him suffering any consequence for his actions and you do take him back, without conditions, then history will only just repeat itself.

Yes, this applies even if he wasn't cheating. You don't need someone in your life who will turn tail and run at the first sign of opportunity.

Right now, even though this is hard I am just waiting for him to call so we can start the divorce papers. I will go to counselling for myself as long as I need to. I can only fix myself.

He said he would pay for the divorce since he is the one that wants it.

Donewrong

 

FWIW

The remorse you have shown, guys like me could only have wished for. What Next will step to the plate soon. Keep working at it. Your one of the good ones.

Ballerfamily... I am not donewrong... not nearly as fortunate as her either.

Yeah... I was wondering what the "Donewrong" and What Next" stuff was all about?

You mentioned in your original post that you sometimes took a couple of days to cool down. I wondered whether you were communicative during those periods or cold? I wonder really whether you were using 'the silent treatment' on him, because it has a much worse effect than you can realise if you were. I'm not accusing you of anything because I don't know your circumstances fully but in future relationships I'd avoid using the silent treatment if you have previously because it basically kills a persons feelings for you. A really good article on this is below if it is relevant to you. http://www.kensavage.com/archives/silent-treatment/ All the best

donewrong and what next are two of the people on here that have trid to help alot of us out if you read through some of the posts you will find there names alot they generally have carring words and truly try to help.

You mentioned in your original post that you sometimes took a couple of days to cool down. I wondered whether you were communicative during those periods or cold? I wonder really whether you were using 'the silent treatment' on him, because it has a much worse effect than you can realise if you were. I'm not accusing you of anything because I don't know your circumstances fully but in future relationships I'd avoid using the silent treatment if you have previously because it basically kills a persons feelings for you. A really good article on this is below if it is relevant to you. http://www.kensavage.com/archives/silent-treatment/ All the best

Ouch... I read that article. Most of my quietness was cooling down so I didn't get angry and say something stupid. Most of the time when I was "cooling down" I would still talk to him but I was less affectionate and once I was cooled down I would talk about what happened. There were a couple times when it could have been mistaken as ostracizing, but I seriously never meant it that way. I would not intentionally emotionally torture someone I love!

Thank you for bringing this to my attention! It will be something that I mention to my counselor as I see now that it can be very harmful!

Gosh I feel like such a horrible person now

I would never want to hurt my husband like that