Divorce in your 50's

Long story short, I have been married for 26 years to a good man and a wonderful father. However, he is not a communicator and there is no intimacy in our marriage. We haven't had sex for about 10 years. I am an attractive woman, but have never understood his lack of interest.

Anyway, I have been involved in a 5 year affair, but my affair partner broke it off because I did not leave my husband. This is a whole other story.

I am in my 50's and I know that my husband can not change. I feel depressed at the thought of staying in the marriage, but I keep thinking I'm too old to start over again and financially I stand to give up a lot. I do not have a social network for support. I have a few family members and a wonderful best friend. I really need advice on what to do. Also, if anyone has started over at my age, I would love to hear about it.

Wow.

10 years no sex and a five year affair.

Ouch.

How about some marriage counseling? This needs to include disclosure of your affair.

What will your marriage emotionally lose by this action? Nothing but the walls, secrecy, and the lot of all the evasive manuevers by the both of you.

Time to rip back the iron curtains and take a look at where the two of you stand.

And your age? Who cares! It's never too late to learn to start living, in the marriage or out of it.

I'd heartily suggest IC to help clarify your feelings and find a clear direction to health.

I was an OM for nearly ten years in a much earlier part of my life and the realization that the MW 'chose' her toxic marriage over myself went a long way towards promoting some of my bitter and cynical viewpoints regarding women. MC helped me resolve those issues. If you want counseling to work, it can help you. Get healthy yourself first, and clear of the affair fog, and then engage your H from a position of strength.

I'm 51 and out of a ten year marriage; divorce should be final next month. My sympathies....

Welcome to LS

So this kinda hits home to me since 3 years ago my parents divorced after 33 years of marriage and my dad had an affair. So I'm sorry if I'm not sugar coating it.

So it seems like you are only concerned about yourself. You don't care to save your marriage, you don't care about dignity or respect for yourself or your husband. Your secret lover isn't around so now you feel desperate, and are looking for support. Seriously???

You should just file for divorce and figure your money and life out on your own. I know this community here is very for MC, but you don't seem to care about your husband or your marriage much at all. Its all about you. Your wants, your needs, your financial stability, you, you, you, you, you.

With all due respect, I can appreciate your comments, but I wasn't able to include all the details of the marriage in a short blurb. Suffice it to say, I tried for years to open up dialogue with my husband; he has his own problems stemming from his family of origin, which include alcholism. He was and is very tough to open up or to reach. He is guarded and not able to share thoughts or emotions. At one time , I loved him with all my heart, but life was still "lonely," very much like it is now. Not that it matters at this point, I didn't "look" for an affair. It just happened- the conditions were right. I'm not proud of it.

"Don't criticize a man ( or woman ) until you've walked a mile in his moccasins.

Spirited,

I would just divorce him and would not say one word of the affair. IMHO, at this point, nothing good will come of the disclosure of your affair. Guilt is like carrying around a heavy rock...you just have to put it down and walk away.

I am just past 45 and I am married, but I do not consider myself to old too start over. I don't think I will feel too old in ten years. But I understand....it is not that you feel too old, but maybe it is that you do not want to grow old alone.

And that is the hard part. Will leaving a less than satisfactory marriage only lead to a even less satisfactory single life?

No one knows, but the fact that you did not leave your H for a life with the AP makes me wonder if you are ready to leave your H. If it is so lonely and you loved your AP, then why would you not leave?

I don't advocate divorce, nor would I here either necessarily, but locking yourself into a relationship because you feel to old to be anywhere else is not good. It takes all of the power and control away from you. Do you want another affair? Or would you rather be alone and then find someone else? Will your ex-AP come back to you if you are divorced?

If you are 55, then one can assume that you have about twenty (at least) years ahead of you. That is a long time to be lonely. Do you want to come back here (assuming LS is here...and I hope it is) and tell us how you have been lonely for all of those years and haven't had sex with your husband in thirty years? Or would you rather come back and say that you are so glad you made a change in your life because you had found a new wonderful man who has made your last twenty years the happiest of your life?

Three choices....

1. Stay as you are.

2. Fix what you have.

3. Leave and find something (someone) new.

Your choice.

Anyway, I have been involved in a 5 year affair, but my affair partner broke it off because I did not leave my husband. This is a whole other story.

5 years???

Jeez... you clearly have no respect for your husband.

Why the heck are you still married?

Spirited, as JamesM said:

I don't advocate divorce, nor would I here either necessarily, but locking yourself into a relationship because you feel to old to be anywhere else is not good.

 

I have to agree. I am 52 married 26 years and am seriously considering divorce for many of the same reasons you are. My wife is emotionally detached, won't go to MC or IC. I am going to IC, and it's working. We seldom have sex, and I feel as though she's not the friend I married.

 

I'm not having an affair. I came close, and it's what really got me to thinking about the state of my marriage and how it *might* be on the "outside. The way I feel about it, I have fewer years left than I've already spent on this earth. I deserve for them to be good.

 

Can't tell you what to do... just wishing you luck.

With all due respect, I can appreciate your comments, but I wasn't able to include all the details of the marriage in a short blurb. Suffice it to say, I tried for years to open up dialogue with my husband; he has his own problems stemming from his family of origin, which include alcholism. He was and is very tough to open up or to reach. He is guarded and not able to share thoughts or emotions. At one time , I loved him with all my heart, but life was still "lonely," very much like it is now. Not that it matters at this point, I didn't "look" for an affair. It just happened- the conditions were right. I'm not proud of it.

 

"Don't criticize a man ( or woman ) until you've walked a mile in his moccasins.

If your life was so lonely what types of things did you try to fix it? Did you 2 ever try MC? If its been bad for so long, why weren't you ready to call it quits then? Worrying about starting over now is a crutch. For your generation seems to have a fad about divorcing late in life. There seems to be a lot of 50 something divorcee's out there. Both my parents have significant others now, and our pretty happy. Both of them are in the mid to late 50s.

As for the "I didn't look for an affair, it just happened, conditions were right", what is that? When you said your vows to your husband, was that intentional? Or did you just sorta happen to marry him? I think the lack of taking true responsibility is just horrible. Something that lasts 5 years isn't just a whim, or an accident. It seems like no one has any honor anymore. If you vow to do or not to do something, you should honor that. If you cannot, then you need to be honest and get out of the arrangement.

Much like I tell my dad. I'm not so angry that my parent's divorced. I'm angry that he didn't have enough respect for my mom, whom he had built a life and family with for 33 years, to tell her he wanted out. And then at that point, start looking for whatever he felt he was missing out on. Its so cowardly to do it the other way around. IMO

The way I see it, you have 2 options:

1.) actively work on saving and fixing your marriage, definitely involving MC and quite possibly IC

2.) file for divorce

If your marital problems are so large you can allow yourself to have an affair for 5 years, I'd say you can't just live like this. You either need to fix it or leave it.

I hope you find strength to do the right thing. Be whatever that is for you and your H.

What does your best friend think?

Did you get my reply?

Spirited

Did you get my reply?

 

Spirited

Does he know about your affair? If not, how come he doesn't after 5 years?

Spirited didn't post here so you could pick her apart, Beach Bum.

Beach Bum, YOU don't know what happened between your Mom & Dad. YOU were not a part of that marriage. A marriage is between 2 people.

Spirited, please do not tell your husband of your affair. No good would come of that, and that would only bring additional hurt & resentment to a marriage that is already on shaky ground. I do not believe you should "fess up" to everything in life, especially when doing so would cause another person (and sometimes yourself) grievous harm. I think you had a taste of the way it could be, and you like it. However, the cold harsh reality is that an affair is not a marriage - Marriage is every day and the wonderful rapport you had with your OM might have also gone away after a period of constant togetherness. Why not at least try to go to counseling and see if you can recapture what you had with your husband many years ago? Try with an open mind, because then at the end of the day you can know in your heart that you gave it your best shot.

If that does not work, then explore striking out on your own. Just a suggestion.

I agree with those who posted that your choices are to stay expecting nothing to change, fix it, or leave. Maybe IC for you would help you make the choice and be prepared to follow through with it, whichever it is. As for the choice of leaving, you might consider MC with the view of ending, instead of saving, the marriage. If it must end, this might help you (and him) find the way forward in the least painful manner.

If you decide to stay with H and start MC, you do need to come clean about a five year affair. Put the shoe on the other foot, if your H had OW for five years, wouldn't you want to know about it? All cards on the table and get down to bear bones so you can start from scratch with each other, otherwise you are building on a foundation of lies. Believe me when I say, it will come out someway, somehow, probably in a way you least expect it to and definitely at the wrong moment!

If you decide to go, don't tell him. No point. It would only add to his hurt and confusion.

If you decide to stay and do nothing - you actually give up the right to complain about it.

Good luck with the decision.

Thank you for the good advice!

I'm in a similar situation... getting close to 50, and am currently separated after a marriage of a low-to-no intimacy marriage. Haven't had sex in years.. 2? 3? Not even sure. Several issues in our marriage including alcoholism (on his part) and a special-needs kid. Anyway... it's hard. My husband is a good person... and we get along... there's just no real intimacy. I know I am facing potential years of loneliness... but to be honest I already felt very lonely *in* the marriage. I'm just giving up the shell. But even the "shell" of the marriage gave a sense of comfort.

I'm opting to risk starting over, but it feels like a huge risk, if you want to know the truth. Not sure if I'm making the right decision, but every time I think of going "back" that path feels dead to me.

TALK to your husband about how you feel.

Spirited didn't post here so you could pick her apart, Beach Bum.

 

Beach Bum, YOU don't know what happened between your Mom & Dad. YOU were not a part of that marriage. A marriage is between 2 people.

 

Spirited, please do not tell your husband of your affair. No good would come of that, and that would only bring additional hurt & resentment to a marriage that is already on shaky ground. I do not believe you should "fess up" to everything in life, especially when doing so would cause another person (and sometimes yourself) grievous harm. I think you had a taste of the way it could be, and you like it. However, the cold harsh reality is that an affair is not a marriage - Marriage is every day and the wonderful rapport you had with your OM might have also gone away after a period of constant togetherness. Why not at least try to go to counseling and see if you can recapture what you had with your husband many years ago? Try with an open mind, because then at the end of the day you can know in your heart that you gave it your best shot.

 

If that does not work, then explore striking out on your own. Just a suggestion.

I can understand what you are saying. However, I wasn't trying to pick her apart, but merely address the elephant in the room. I feel no remorse for anyone who acts in that manner. And especially at that age a person should be able to take full respobsibility for their actions.

I agree with you when you suggested that they should try counseling. That would be the place to start trying to fix this. IMO However I feel that hiding the affair is just as wrong as having it. It was her choice to have the affair, and if she wants to work things out with her H, I feel she owes it to him to see the situation for what it truly is so he can make an educated decision as to if he wants to stay and work on the marriage too. I also agree with other posters who have said that if she avoids disclosing the affair, it at some point, will come back and blow up in both their faces. If she wants to work things out, then she needs to come clean, and that aspect needs to be addressed in MC along with her many issues with him.

And btw, I never remember being taught as a child its okay to decieve and lie to people if the truth is going to be painful. That quite honestly is just a crock. To try and restart a crumbling marriage and set it on a foundation of lies and secrets is just ridiculous. IMO of course.