Porn

I have written half a novel here venting my feelings..(sorry in advance for spelling mishaps)

Please help I need some helpful opinions...

I have been with my partner for a year, known him for 4, and we have a 4 month old son together.

Porn was first brought into my relationship by my boyfriend. He came home when I was about 6 months pregnant and pulled out a handful of dvds.

Look, he says, what a bargain 7 for $50!

I am silent. I don't really know how I feel. But later that night when he tries to get us to watch them, I realize I don't like it.

I tell him this, I tell him I don't want him staring at some other girl while he has sex with me.

After all our sex life was fine, I may have been getting larger as I was pregnant, but it was good. Sex every day, and oral for both of us.

So the dvds go in the bin, and all is well again.

Around 2 months later I am in crazy cleaning pregnant mode and decide to clean on top of the very top kitchen cuboards.

I find a brown paper bag with about 8 porn dvds in it.

My heart stops. I feel like I have been stabbed. I have this overwelming feeling of betrayal.

I don't know how to confront him about it, so I don't. But I take all the dvds out of the cases and leave the cases where they were. So he will know I know.

I start to wonder when he was looking at these. We leave for work together and I get home an hour before him. We have weekends off together. He is pretty much never home alone.

Then I realise.

He would drop me off at work, come home, jerk to his porn, then go to work.

The fact he goes to this much effort angers me even more.

A week goes by and he doesnt mention anything. He brings up the topic of us getting the internet connected.

I say, you just want to look at porn.

We have a mini convo about it then he goes silent.

He then says, you found the other stuff, and smiles smugly.

What stuff I say..

And that was the end of the discussion.

Next he decides to buy a new phone, although there is nothing wrong with his old one, except it was a bit out dated.

On the box of his new phone it says: High speed connectivity to internet.

Then I realise. I look in the history and sure enough PORN.

This time I confront him in a rage. Sure I was 9 months pregnant, but I was very very willing to have sex. Why did he need porn.

By the way, the viewing of this porn happened at night, after I was asleep. After we had sex. When I thought he was sleeping.

His response to my confrontation is...oh I didn't know it bothered you so much. You weren't around, so, you know...and I wont do it anymore...

I watch him like a hawk now, always knowing where his phone is as I go to sleep..

Weeks pass and I am now in hospital, an hour after giving birth.

My partner says, Im going home to shower be back soon...(we had just been there for 21hrs)

So he leaves at 1:30, an hour after our son was born.

I stayed in hospital for a week, and he stayed with me 2 of the 7 nights. There was a whole bed just for him. I wondered why he would want to drive 45mins home instead of staying..

Then I get home. On my laptop it says there is a new program installed. I ask him what it is and he says nothing before admitting he got the internet. Once again I get the heart stop betrayed feeling.

The next day I find the receipt for the internet USB...it was the day my son was born, and only 30 mins after he left the hospital that day.

I am hurt once again...

A few minor porn/masturbation issues have cropped up since then(I could write forever) but my parntner has always maintained: I dont have any porn hidden anywhere, I promise, your all the porn I need.

But the most recent one happened today

I was saving a pic of a website and I saw in recent items: bateman.and.the.knight

I thought to myself bateman?

I remembered how he said his brother hid porn under movie titles his girlfriend would never watch.

I rush to get his hard drive and look up bateman

sure enough there's porn.

I feel SO hurt, like I am being stabbed in the heart. I burst into tears and call him, yell and hang up before I hear his response.

I throw his hard drive as hard as I can into the wall, smashing it.

I pack me and my son up and go to my parents.

So thats everything up until now.

I feel so depressed, I love him I really do despite it all.

I am mad at myself for loving him.

I want to hate him I want to forget him.

I am sooooo angry. why why why why did he do this

I remember back to all the times when we refused to go places with me..I would say to him your going to look at porn, he would swear he wouldn't, he would say take the internet with you

So I would, and I would come home happy thinking he hadn't done it...

When all along I was being played for a fool...

Someone please help..what do I do?

I made an appoitment with a sex therapist tomorrow, I want to tell her all of this and see if I am being irrational...

Whats your opinion??

I wouldn't want to be with someone who has to watch porn, so I feel for you. Some would disagree, but overall it doesn't make for a healthy physical relationship. There's usually something lacking.

I am sorry you're in so much pain, but here are a few things:

. He's looking at porn but as you said, you guys have sex every day. It's not like he's NOT having sex with you and INSTEAD watching porn.

(a lot of people have THAT problem) and its way more hurtful.

. Also you said that the sex is good. That's great - are you sure he feels the same way?

. People like variety. He's getting his variety from porn. He's not out screwing other people to get his variety (I'm not saying that those are your only 2 options), but really, why is it so threatening for you>?

. This is the biggest remark I have to make: Stop acting like HIS MOTHER.

He's a grown man, you're telling him he can't have internet

you're questioning why he wants a new phone

You said it yourself, he's hardly ever alone - give the guy some breathing room.

You're scolding him over porn

AND the biggest one of all - the passive aggressive sneaky bs you did when you took the dvds out of their cases instead of just having a frank discussion about why you felt betrayed.

I understand your hurt feelings, but I don't think you're making the situation any better by acting like his mommy.

I think it will come down to a choice. To continue to live with someone who disrespects your wishes, because as you have seen, he keeps doing it no matter how you feel. It will more than likely get worse. Or, you getting out of the situation.

In life, you have to pick and chose your battles. On the surface, this one hardly seems worth fighting. Your husband is looking at porn. Many men do. He uses the porn for masturbation, but he continues to have frequent sex with you. He is not neglecting your needs despite looking at porn.

You should examine your feelings about this a little more deeply. Is this about your objection to porn, or is it about your own insecurities or the need to control your husband? I suspect your pregnacy and new baby are adding to all of this.

At least he's not forcing you to look at porn. He asked, and you turned him down. Many couples watch porn together in an effort to spice up their sex lives.

I can't think of a better analogy but here goes:

If a chiild wants to eat ice cream but you're telling him no no matter what, that is just asking him to seek it out all the more.

I understand too much of anything is a bad thing, but what you had done was basically put him on lockdown from pretty much everything else- phone and internet.

In a way you did sort of brought this on yourself, but your husband is also in the wrong here. He went against your wishes and sought out the subject in question, even going so far as lying ( by omission).

You could have handled the situation by having a more indepth talk with him about it. Supposedly a little leniency on the porn would have been a better solution rather than banning it altogether.

Now that the situation have advanced as far as it did, can you actually place all the blame on him? If that is the case, then you're better off drawing up divorce papers because chances are, he would still seek out porn.

Ok, youve been beating him over the head with the no porn rule. And freaking out because he keeps doing it? If the way you are behaving is not working out its time to make a stand...or make a change.

My guy has a whole box full of Playboys. When I first came to his home he pulled one out and showed me how much I looked like the girl in the mag. I was a little taken back with that. But I just tried to look at it from his angle. He was at the time a single man living alone and he liked looking at beautiful women while he jacked off. Also was flattered he compared me to her. She was beautiful and cute...and I tried to focus on that as a reason he liked me.

Flash forward 4 years and he has maybe looked at them about 10 times in that whole time (minus when we seperated last year). It kind of hurts a little...but Ive made the decision that its not that big of a deal.

Your dealing with something entirely different and is my worst nightmare. A man with the internet spending all day playing with himself. In my line of work, I run into these types ALL the time. They are on everysingle day alllllll day long and always horny. I dont know how the hell I would deal with a man like that. I dont think I would. Yours sounds somewhere in the middle.

He is having good sex with you right? Your going to have to quit comparing yourself to his porn and be your own self and just enjoy and relax. Try not to take it too personal. He has made promises he has broken, but why not change the bounderies a bit. Let him have a bit...even if you have to sit there and watch it with him...show him you care by caring about his feelings...he obviously thinks it hot and probably would just die in heaven if he thought you would do that for him...and even maybe enjoy it. What kind of porn does he like?

Sorry for my rant...Ive been having a rough week lol!

You know what? If he is betraying your trust and constantly participating in his addictive behaviour, you have a problem. Don't let the other posters tell you that this is okay. Leaving the hospital AN HOUR after your son is born just to go home and look at porn is completely unhealthy. He cannot be present in his real life the way he is indulging in this.

I am married to one like this, who would crawl over me to get to the computer when I fell asleep. It is degrading and painful and no one should have the right to invalidate your feelings on the matter, you were carrying the guy's child for chrissakes!

Check our candeo.org to find out about these porn addicted guys so that at least you don't have to feel like the scum of the earth. And that is exactly what it makes you feel like.

Probably followed by thoughts of: why is this guy's porn more important than me after I delivered his child? And yes folks if he is rushing away from the hospital to watch his porn instead of his wife and new son, then yes he has chosen his priorities. Just like an alcoholic rushes off to the bar.

It would be really a stupid thing for folks to justify it by saying: well most folks enjoy a beer from time to time, why does this threaten you?

Of course she has started to watch him like a hawk, it is traumatic when someone repeatedly betrayed you trust. That is exactly what this is.

And of course this is threatening. He basically brought the porn in the house and wanted to watch it while having sex with her, it feels like inviting someone else in the room. Why should she have to endure that?>

If he made the commitment to impregnate and be by this girl, then yes, he should put the damn stuff away and focus on making a family.

I am sorry that you are going through this. Dealing with my husband's sexual addiction was the worst thing I ever had to deal with in my life, and I had a lot of ****ty things happen to me aside from that.

Contrary to what people will tell you, there ARE guys out there who have no interest in porn & don't watch it or collect it. It sounds like you need to find one of thsse guys for yourself, OR accept that your guy watches porn & isn't going to stop.

You also really need to work on your communication. You've been passive-aggressive throughout this entire situation. It doesn't seem like you ever just sat your BF down and explained your feelings about him watching porn. You never once had a calm, rational discussion about it. Instead, you hid his DVDs, told him he wasn't allowed to get the internet, watched every move he made, yelled & cried & screamed at him, and destroyed his personal property. Are you kidding me??!!! You had no right to do any of that.

At this point, you have a hugely unhealthy dynamic in your relationship. But at least you know the facts -- You know your BF enjoys porn and is not going to give it up, no matter how much you scream & cry & monitor his actions like you are his mother. So you can choose to stay with him & accept it, or leave him & find somebody more compatible.

Contrary to what people will tell you, there ARE guys out there who have no interest in porn & don't watch it or collect it. It sounds like you need to find one of thsse guys for yourself, OR accept that your guy watches porn & isn't going to stop.

 

You also really need to work on your communication. You've been passive-aggressive throughout this entire situation. It doesn't seem like you ever just sat your BF down and explained your feelings about him watching porn. You never once had a calm, rational discussion about it. Instead, you hid his DVDs, told him he wasn't allowed to get the internet, watched every move he made, yelled & cried & screamed at him, and destroyed his personal property. Are you kidding me??!!! You had no right to do any of that.

 

At this point, you have a hugely unhealthy dynamic in your relationship. But at least you know the facts -- You know your BF enjoys porn and is not going to give it up, no matter how much you scream & cry & monitor his actions like you are his mother. So you can choose to stay with him & accept it, or leave him & find somebody more compatible.

I missed that part.... it was quite inappropriate but people also tend not to understand that these emotions get super-heated quickly and my husband and I both broke laptops (mine completely by accident) during the first run of these issues. (Not proud of it, but it did happen and we have lived to tell the tale.)

It feels the same as when your partner swears he isn't having an affair and then it turns out he is. In some ways it is worse, trust me. It doesn't stay at the OW level. It becomes, every other woman. Especially when it is repeated time and time again. ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU ARE PREGNANT

I have to agree with dreamingoftigers - he sounds addicted.

While it's understandable for guys to enjoy porn occasionally, this is out of control and disrespectful.

I agree with this and DOT too!

Some people should not watch porn because they cannot moderate it!

It has to do with over stimulation of the limbic system in some.

It makes them less able to be emotionally intimate, kind and caring with a living, breathing woman.

It causes ED when with a living. breathing woman.

It causes emotional disconnect in all relationships for some.

It can also cause depression.

It is a serious addiction that affects brain chemicals, which in turn, affects behavior.

If it were my man, and I saw it having an affect on him, us, family life and true physical and emotional intimacy with me, where he made promises and broke them to me?

Yeah, I'd be smashing the hard drive too!

He's lying, sneaking, abdicating familial responsibilities, spending money she did not agree to spend on porn access.

Yeah, he has a serious problem. He needs help!

I so agree with Spark. Its spot on. That's why when I see SOME people tell others to, "get over it" or "all men do that" etc, it makes me mad. Because there are SOME people who truly have a problem. So its not all about a person just being insecure etc. And some think too, if you are still having sex and not being neglected in that department, then you should be ok with it. Well, once again, that doesn't mean that person doesn't have a true problem.

From just one guy’s point of view…..

It has been said millions of times that men are visual so looking porn is supposed to be acceptable. No big deal. But not all men are like this. Sure I like looking at a beautiful women, but if my actions cause the person I love the most any emotional pain, why would I do that. Why would I intentional hurt the person I love the most.

Here the op states she is not comfortable with her partners porn use, she should be communicating these feelings to her partner telling him how this hurts her before its to late.

I read where she did confront him and told him how she felt. He told her he didn't know it bothered her so much and wouldn't do it again, but yet he is still doing it.

So to the OP, communicate it to him again, make things very clear. Draw a line in the sand and if he croses it, then you have a choice to make on what you feel you need to do. Cleary its something he likes and not something that you do, so there is going to be a issue on this subject.

....so, what this whole things boils down to, is that he likes to use porn and you don't want him to.

I'm not seeing why your opinion on this issue should take any precedence over his, though.

....so, what this whole things boils down to, is that he likes to use porn and you don't want him to.

 

I'm not seeing why your opinion on this issue should take any precedence over his, though.

Her well-being should take precidence over his likes in regards to taking care of herself and her emotional/sexual needs. If he is unable/unwilling to live with sexual forthrightness she should leave him and find someone far more compatible. It is either that and end up like me, bashing your head against a wall for someone that clearly does not appreciate you or family while being traumatized the whole time with a low self-esteem.

Her well-being should take precedence over his likes in regards to taking care of herself and her emotional/sexual needs.

Please spare us this sort of psychobabble. It's completely meaningless, just an obscure and pretentious way of saying: "Because I said so." OP just doesn't like her husband using tangible fantasy material to masturbate. His need to masturbate is every bit as important as her need to prevent him from masturbating.

If he is unable/unwilling to live with sexual forthrightness she should leave him and find someone far more compatible.

Yes just snap your fingers and bail. If it's so easy then what's the problem with him using porn? She can just leave if she wants to, right?

Or--she can possibly get a grip and not make such a big issue out of the rather trite and unsurprising fact that her h likes to masturbate.

It is either that and end up like me, bashing your head against a wall for someone that clearly does not appreciate you or family while being traumatized the whole time with a low self-esteem.

Your low self esteem is blamed on the fact that your h masturbates?

How odd.

I have written half a novel here venting my feelings..(sorry in advance for spelling mishaps)

Please help I need some helpful opinions...

 

I have been with my partner for a year, known him for 4, and we have a 4 month old son together.

 

Porn was first brought into my relationship by my boyfriend. He came home when I was about 6 months pregnant and pulled out a handful of dvds.

Look, he says, what a bargain 7 for $50!

 

I am silent. I don't really know how I feel. But later that night when he tries to get us to watch them, I realize I don't like it.

I tell him this, I tell him I don't want him staring at some other girl while he has sex with me.

After all our sex life was fine, I may have been getting larger as I was pregnant, but it was good. Sex every day, and oral for both of us.

 

So the dvds go in the bin, and all is well again.

 

Around 2 months later I am in crazy cleaning pregnant mode and decide to clean on top of the very top kitchen cuboards.

I find a brown paper bag with about 8 porn dvds in it.

My heart stops. I feel like I have been stabbed. I have this overwelming feeling of betrayal.

I don't know how to confront him about it, so I don't. But I take all the dvds out of the cases and leave the cases where they were. So he will know I know.

 

I start to wonder when he was looking at these. We leave for work together and I get home an hour before him. We have weekends off together. He is pretty much never home alone.

Then I realise.

He would drop me off at work, come home, jerk to his porn, then go to work.

The fact he goes to this much effort angers me even more.

 

A week goes by and he doesnt mention anything. He brings up the topic of us getting the internet connected.

I say, you just want to look at porn.

We have a mini convo about it then he goes silent.

He then says, you found the other stuff, and smiles smugly.

What stuff I say..

And that was the end of the discussion.

 

Next he decides to buy a new phone, although there is nothing wrong with his old one, except it was a bit out dated.

On the box of his new phone it says: High speed connectivity to internet.

 

Then I realise. I look in the history and sure enough PORN.

This time I confront him in a rage. Sure I was 9 months pregnant, but I was very very willing to have sex. Why did he need porn.

By the way, the viewing of this porn happened at night, after I was asleep. After we had sex. When I thought he was sleeping.

 

His response to my confrontation is...oh I didn't know it bothered you so much. You weren't around, so, you know...and I wont do it anymore...

 

I watch him like a hawk now, always knowing where his phone is as I go to sleep..

Weeks pass and I am now in hospital, an hour after giving birth.

My partner says, Im going home to shower be back soon...(we had just been there for 21hrs)

So he leaves at 1:30, an hour after our son was born.

I stayed in hospital for a week, and he stayed with me 2 of the 7 nights. There was a whole bed just for him. I wondered why he would want to drive 45mins home instead of staying..

 

Then I get home. On my laptop it says there is a new program installed. I ask him what it is and he says nothing before admitting he got the internet. Once again I get the heart stop betrayed feeling.

 

The next day I find the receipt for the internet USB...it was the day my son was born, and only 30 mins after he left the hospital that day.

I am hurt once again...

 

A few minor porn/masturbation issues have cropped up since then(I could write forever) but my parntner has always maintained: I dont have any porn hidden anywhere, I promise, your all the porn I need.

 

 

But the most recent one happened today

I was saving a pic of a website and I saw in recent items: bateman.and.the.knight

I thought to myself bateman?

I remembered how he said his brother hid porn under movie titles his girlfriend would never watch.

 

I rush to get his hard drive and look up bateman

 

sure enough there's porn.

 

I feel SO hurt, like I am being stabbed in the heart. I burst into tears and call him, yell and hang up before I hear his response.

I throw his hard drive as hard as I can into the wall, smashing it.

 

I pack me and my son up and go to my parents.

 

So thats everything up until now.

 

I feel so depressed, I love him I really do despite it all.

I am mad at myself for loving him.

I want to hate him I want to forget him.

 

I am sooooo angry. why why why why did he do this

I remember back to all the times when we refused to go places with me..I would say to him your going to look at porn, he would swear he wouldn't, he would say take the internet with you

So I would, and I would come home happy thinking he hadn't done it...

When all along I was being played for a fool...

 

Someone please help..what do I do?

I made an appoitment with a sex therapist tomorrow, I want to tell her all of this and see if I am being irrational...

 

Whats your opinion??

I feel like this is a serious problem. I watch porn and, once and a while, the bf and I will watch it together (he doesn't watch it by himself, but thinks it's kinky to watch it together). but, whatever, if he did watch it, i wouldn't care. everyone likes visually stimulating material (it's not always about the porn actors either; it's usually just the turn-on of watching people have sex). But, it seriously sounds like he is being a little weird, and should see a therapist...

Fantasy is one thing, but being it continous after knowing how another feels, says to me he would rather avoid the reality of a real meaningful relationship.

Fantasy is one thing, but being it continous after knowing how another feels, says to me he would rather avoid the reality of a real meaningful relationship.

It says to me that

a) he doesnt care or respect my feelings

b) i am not good enough for him in his eyes

Please spare us this sort of psychobabble. It's completely meaningless, just an obscure and pretentious way of saying: "Because I said so." OP just doesn't like her husband using tangible fantasy material to masturbate. His need to masturbate is every bit as important as her need to prevent him from masturbating.

 

To her it is a betrayal of trust and a continuing problem, my statement was that her own well-being should come before his lies. She shouldn't tolerate someone that is continually betraying her trust and treating her like garbage (the hospital incident). Her own well-being and emotional/sexual needs should be most important to her. She may very well be the type that cannot connect while someone is using other sexual outlets. This doesn't make her wrong, it makes them incompatible. He isn't standing up for his right to watch porn. He is lying and putting it before his family.

 

 

Yes just snap your fingers and bail. If it's so easy then what's the problem with him using porn? She can just leave if she wants to, right?

 

Or--she can possibly get a grip and not make such a big issue out of the rather trite and unsurprising fact that her h likes to masturbate.

 

Quite frankly living with someone that has sexual addiction or ny kind of addiction is life living with someone that cannot be present. Lying, avoidance and placing whatever it is that gets you that "high" (and by the way sexual addicts are addicted to the pre-orgasmic hormones and the post-orgasmic rush) before your family, is an addiction. I don't think that there is very much more painful to a woman than a man that is simply addicted to other women.

 

 

Your low self esteem is blamed on the fact that your h masturbates?

 

How odd.

My low self-esteem is now channelled through the fact that my husband routinely put his porn and masturbation habit before my sexual and emotional needs. He would withhold sex for months and lie about his activities. He was caught quite a few times and porn led to online dating etc etc etc. I feel that I am of very little worth to my husband especially after carrying his child.

Do you really think that either myself or the OP are so stringent as to take out because our mates jerk it in the shower 3 times a week?

How dumb.

Despite the fact that the OP's bf may not be withholding sex (yet) the risk for men tht young to develop even further issues with porn is staggering.

Quite frankly I used to "enjoy" watching porn myself until it started taking up more and more time, realizing this, I quit. But my H is not the same, he would use it every second I left his sight and there is nothing worse in a relationship then knowing you can't possibly compare.

How would you feel if your gf kissed and cuddled a bunch of different guys for variety? It's not sex, right? So what if she brought a different guy every night of the week to kiss and cuddle with? If it isn't sex, what's the problem, right?

Fantasy is one thing, but being it continous after knowing how another feels, says to me he would rather avoid the reality of a real meaningful relationship.

This is precisely what sex addicts use to escape the reality of their relationships and other stressful life things. In the OP's case (and the same with my H) impending fatherhood seems to have made the usage go through the roof.

My low self-esteem is now channelled through the fact that my husband routinely put his porn and masturbation habit before my sexual and emotional needs.

I suggest you carefully reread all of OP's comments in the entire thread before you so readily try to make your argument on her behalf by comparing your particular situation to hers.

To me, OP comes off as extremely controlling, in fact violently so. Did you read the part where she actually throws her h's hard drive against the wall, presumably destroying it?

You want to frame the issue as the h's imposition of low self-esteem on the OP, lying, etc., rather than on the OP's need to control her h's masturbation behavior.

In any event, when wives withhold sex from their husbands, we are told that the husbands should just deal with it, that women have the right to say "no" to sex, even from their spouses.

Guess what? If that's true, then it's equally true that men have the right to "say no" to their women when it comes to sex.

(Gee it sounds kind of ridiculous when the shoe is on the other foot, doesn't it?)

You see I'm afraid you want to apply a double standard. When the h is insistent on sex with a wife who isn't receptive, the h is an ogre, a rapist. But when it is the h who does not want to have sex with his wife, why, he's emotionally abusing her.

He would withhold sex for months and lie about his activities. He was caught quite a few times and porn led to online dating etc etc etc. I feel that I am of very little worth to my husband especially after carrying his child.

You advised the OP to leave her marriage. If you can't resolve things with your own h, perhaps you should follow your own advice.

Do you really think that either myself or the OP are so stringent as to take out because our mates jerk it in the shower 3 times a week?

How dumb.

Calling me names and putting words I didn't say in my mouth isn't going to solve your marital problems. You can use a forum like this one to repetitively vent or you can actually try to listen to other people, and maybe learn something simply by listening to other opinions without having to agree with them.

It's not my fault that your husband doesn't want to have sex with you. Blaming all your marital problems on what you characterize as your h's porn/masturbation addiction (or whatever) won't solve your problems either. You seem to have absolutely no understanding of why your h turns to masturbation for relief in an excessive manner. It might actually help if you simply accepted that masturbation among men, even married men, is a common if not universal trait. It is certainly not something for which he should be "shamed" or made to feel guilt, nor is it something to which you can fairly attribute your low self-esteem. Masturbation is natural and healthy. Even a lot of it. If you don't like the degree to which your h is masturbating, perhaps you should figure out a way of sexually satisfying him that he actually responds to, not that you want to impose upon him.

Do you actually think any husband really wants to spend the majority of his sexy time masturbating as opposed to having sex with his wife? Good grief, the denial here is astounding.

Despite the fact that the OP's bf may not be withholding sex (yet) the risk for men tht young to develop even further issues with porn is staggering.

You obviously don't understand men. At all. Men use porn to relieve themselves due to sexual frustration. OP's bf is sexually frustrated. Your h is sexually frustrated. Your response rather than understanding and an attempt at accommodation is to attack/threaten/guilt/shame them. This only serves to drive them further away from you. It's pretty basic human behavior and yet you don't seem to have a clue. How sad.

Quite frankly I used to "enjoy" watching porn myself until it started taking up more and more time, realizing this, I quit. But my H is not the same, he would use it every second I left his sight and there is nothing worse in a relationship then knowing you can't possibly compare.

OK, so you're something of a hypocrite when it comes to porn use, as well. Somehow that's not hugely surprising. But once again, as I suspected, porn is perfectly fine as long as its use (by you and/or your partner) is pursuant to your terms.

You're framing this as a "porn" or "masturbation" issue when in reality it's a "control" issue which you don't want to face up to. Porn use was perfectly fine in your marriage as long as you thought you were calling the shots. And it's not even about the porn itself, because certainly, if your h wants to have sexual fantasies about other women (who you apparently feel are more attractive than yourself, I guess that's your own pre existing low self esteem talking), he can do so without any porn at all. Men do masturbate without porn, it's just a little more difficult because the fantasies are all mental imagery. But I assure you there is mental imagery involved.

So, given that porn is not even necessary for masturbation to occur, what you really want to do is control not only your h's actions, but his very thoughts. You don't even want him to think about having sex with other women. So the problem is actually as much yours as it is his. You can't control another person's thoughts so you might as well stop trying.

How would you feel if your gf kissed and cuddled a bunch of different guys for variety? It's not sex, right? So what if she brought a different guy every night of the week to kiss and cuddle with? If it isn't sex, what's the problem, right?

Maybe you need to up your game.

It says to me that

a) he doesnt care or respect my feelings

b) i am not good enough for him in his eyes

Then you have need to weigh your options and see what you need to do. Chances are, he isn't going to stop just because you don't like it, especially if he has a real problem. And even if you think he does, which sounds like he very well could, he isn't going to see he has a problem any time soon, most people that have an addiction (Im not saying for sure he does) but most people that do have addiction, denial runs rampant and it will until they hit rock bottom. And who knows when or if that will happen in the near future. Anything is possible.