Getting No Responses on Online Dating Site

Okay, so after someone said that a certain free Online Dating site was an easy place to meet girls, I gave it a shot. I made a profile and set my "looking for option" for "dating but nothing serious" so it doesn't appear desperate. I posted a lot of interesting hobbies, and my photos are awesome (me snowboarding flicking a whole lot of snow in the air, me wailing on an electric guitar at a college open mic, me going down a runway at a small fashion show once)

I've been sending out messages to a ton of girls over the past several days but I haven't gotten any back (accept for one who didn't leave an opening to continue the conversation.

Girl 1) A tattooed, artsy looking girl with a taste for indyrock and plays bass guitar. I posted "You look and sound like a bit of nut. That's totally Awesome lol

How fiercely do you rock the bass?" She didn't respond. I tried to prod her by adding "So... not very well I take it?" but still nothing

Girl 2) A girl who sings and is musically trained. I asked "It's awesome that you sing. Have you ever performed?" No response.

Girl 3) A girl who mentioned a whole lot of stuff that didn't strike me. Mentioned she liked to spend a disproportionate amount at a local coffee shop. I asked "Hey, cute pics. That coffee shop you hang out wouldn't happen to be _________ would it?" No response. I tried to prod with "So... I guess not lol" but still nothing.

Girl 4) A girl who mentioned that her "spine and guts" were the sexiest parts of her body. I texted her a message titled "Spine and guts?" and it read "THOSE are the sexiest parts of your body?

You got a zipper up and down your back or something?

(BTW, is that a scorpion bowl at _______ in one of your pics)" No response.

Girl 5) A girl who's pictures all have her in the same posture, facing the same direction at a slight angle. She also mentioned she plays 4 instruments. I texted "You're facing the same way at the same angle in every single pictures. That's pretty funny.

What instruments do you play?" She only responded with "Oh you're right I never noticed," but tat doesn't leave me much to work with, especially since she ignored my second question.

Girl 6) She clearly says on her profile that she only wants casual sex. Doesn't mention much else about herself. I texted a message titled "Seems too good to be true" and it read "What's the catch little girl " No response.

There's 3 more but in 4 days not a single response from 9 girls. I'm just frustrated right now. I'm at the "Wow! Seriously? SERIOUSLY?" stage right now. I'm not angry at any of these 1 girls for not answering, but I'm upset about not being responded to AT ALL. And it's making me wonder, is there something wrong with me? The messages I'm sending? Or girls who use online dating in general?

And it's making me wonder, is there something wrong with me? The messages I'm sending?

It's a combination of you and the messages you are sending. They are disturbingly lame. They aren't remotely "cute" or funny, and they honestly sound like something a middle schooler would say.

You need to say more than "it's awesome that you're ____" Unless that's the extent of your conversation skills, you need to ask more thoughtful questions and make better observations than the direction the girl's facing in her photos.

You're taking the advice of "cocky and funny" and turning it into "lame and stupid."

No offense. Unless this thread was a joke. Then .

It's a combination of you and the messages you are sending. They are disturbingly lame. They aren't remotely "cute" or funny, and they honestly sound like something a middle schooler would say.

 

You need to say more than "it's awesome that you're ____" Unless that's the extent of your conversation skills, you need to ask more thoughtful questions and make better observations than the direction the girl's facing in her photos.

 

You're taking the advice of "cocky and funny" and turning it into "lame and stupid."

 

No offense. Unless this thread was a joke. Then .

Yeah, but I've read that a lot of girls get creeped out when a guy sends these long winded novels about who they are and who they're into. Aren't the first exchanges supposed to be short and sweet?

I rarely, RARELY respond to "funny" one-liners. I feel like all the guy is doing is sitting there and sending out one-liners to every cute girl he sees that night.

Woman fall in love with their ears. Write something of substance, something meaningful and something that shows interest. Frankly, some of those comments would have put me on the defensive, and "challenging" a girl right off the bat is the quickest way to get ignored.

btw? Online dating is not in the man's favor, generally. 9 e-mails and no responses is nothing. Women have more choices online and you need to set yourself apart if you elect to try to date via that option. And the way you're picking is the most common way to get ignored online, I'm sorry to say.

Yeah, but I've read that a lot of girls get creeped out when a guy sends these long winded novels about who they are and who they're into. Aren't the first exchanges supposed to be short and sweet?

Agreed. But your messages are short and lame, not sweet. They are kinda childish and don't convey much maturity. Your questions are basically limited to this: "To prove to you that I read your profile, I'm going to pick something random from it that I don't give a crap about, say how awesome it is, and then ask you to tell me about it."

Instead, search for things you share in common with the girl. Pick one common interest in her profile. Let's say it's hiking, for example. Then briefly talk about a memorable hiking trip you took somewhere unique or interesting. Then ask her about her favorite hiking destinations or for a unique hiking story from her.

That way you accomplish three important things:

(1) Talk a little about yourself.

(2) Ask a little about her.

(3) Show that you have something in common.

Also, if she doesn't respond soon after you first message? Don't "prod" her. Perhaps she's taking her time to think of a response, or she's just not interested. Any subsequent contact after the first message will guarantee she places you on the DOA list.

I rarely, RARELY respond to "funny" one-liners. I feel like all the guy is doing is sitting there and sending out one-liners to every cute girl he sees that night.

 

Woman fall in love with their ears. Write something of substance, something meaningful and something that shows interest. Frankly, some of those comments would have put me on the defensive, and "challenging" a girl right off the bat is the quickest way to get ignored.

 

btw? Online dating is not in the man's favor, generally. 9 e-mails and no responses is nothing. Women have more choices online and you need to set yourself apart if you elect to try to date via that option. And the way you're picking is the most common way to get ignored online, I'm sorry to say.

Okay, so what's a GOOD first message?

Here's one particular profile copied and pasted from a particular girl.

I'm a Polish girl. I'm always down for a good time and I'm into tattoos and some piercings. I love to try new things. I'm a good hearted country girl and I can make just about anyone laugh. =] I love to party and dance. I own the radio in every car I'm in,its a bad habit lol. I listen to 104.1 like its my job and I can sing every song to you willingly.

 

I love meeting new people! =]Creepers please don't message me.. and boys who copy and paste the same first message to every girl also do no message me.

Or this one

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy then is to suffer. But suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you're getting this down. -Woody Allen-

 

I am a down to earth girl looking to meet new people and have some fun. I'm optimistic and adventurous given the situation. If I had it my way my home would be on the beach, but for now I just go there on the weekends.

 

I enjoy going out but also love staying in =) I love to be wined and dined, but am in no way a "material girl."

 

I am Italian, German, and Polish.

 

I am NOT into playing games

 

I currently attend art school and hope to one day become a Graphic Designer as well as an Event Planner. I love to be with friends as well as family. I love to be happy and choose to be surrounded by those who make me that way.

For the first girl, I would have joked about not allowing her to command the radio and for the second girl, I would have honed in on the Woody Allen quote, joking that she'd have to be of a misfit to like Woody Allen at her age.

But apparently according to you guys, those would be bad ideas.

Also, if she doesn't respond soon after you first message? Don't "prod" her. Perhaps she's taking her time to think of a response, or she's just not interested. Any subsequent contact after the first message will guarantee she places you on the DOA list.

+ infinity.

First messages should be "fire and forget."

The thing is, I don't know you, so I don't know your sense of humor. For all I know, you're just being mean. Even if you place "lol" at the end of your sentence (which, please, don't do) I don't know if you're laughing AT me, or laughing WITH me. If the humor isn't obvious and natural over e-mail (and most humor isn't) then don't attempt it. The best way to come off as funny is to make a joke at your own expense (shows you can laugh at yourself - very important) or just wait until you're meeting in person and body language factors into it. There's an art to being funny online and if you're trying to make a joke at a stranger's expense, it's almost certainly going to backfire, even if it's just meant as "teasing."

I really don't have much to say. Since I rarely to messages on dating sites that are one liners(So do something about that). And don't message the same person twice. Write them and block they profile. If they write back ,Good1-- if not, oh well. I can't stand to be pressured and I am pretty sure other females may feel the same.

Your questions are basically limited to this: "To prove to you that I read your profile, I'm going to pick something random from it that I don't give a crap about, say how awesome it is, and then ask you to tell me about it."

Well what else am I supposed to do? Women who try online dating complain all the time about men commenting just on their pictures and nothing on their profile. Haven't I already set myself about the bar by NOT doing that?

The thing is, I don't know you, so I don't know your sense of humor. For all I know, you're just being mean. Even if you place "lol" at the end of your sentence (which, please, don't do) I don't know if you're laughing AT me, or laughing WITH me. If the humor isn't obvious and natural over e-mail (and most humor isn't) then don't attempt it. The best way to come off as funny is to make a joke at your own expense (shows you can laugh at yourself - very important) or just wait until you're meeting in person and body language factors into it. There's an art to being funny online and if you're trying to make a joke at a stranger's expense, it's almost certainly going to backfire, even if it's just meant as "teasing."

That's fine. I'll lay off the joking around, but like I said, just as an example, how can I extract something out of those 2 profiles I posted to "Write something of substance, something meaningful and something that shows interest?"

And how to you write something "of substance" and "meaningful?" Wouldn't that come off as creepy and overbearing for a first message?

Well what else am I supposed to do? Women who try online dating complain all the time about men commenting just on their pictures and nothing on their profile. Haven't I already set myself about the bar by NOT doing that?

Merely "commenting" on their profile isn't going to pique their interest. You also need to offer up something about yourself that will make them interested in getting to know you. This means you have to converse with them through your first message, not just "comment."

But apparently according to you guys, those would be bad ideas.

I wouldn't have messaged either of them to begin with...

I wouldn't have messaged either of them to begin with...

Yes, but they're cute on their profile pictures.

So please, as an example, what would be a good first message?

Yuck. Each one of your messages made me cringe (I use online dating).

Hokie is completely right. There is nothing worse than attempting to be funny when you are not (at least it doesn't come across in your writing).

The first word that I would use to describe your messages is "annoying". I would only respond to them if you were SUPER hot and otherwise have a great profile (and even then I might not be able to get over the lameness).

I would much rather have a boring first message, briefly introducing yourself and asking me a normal question or two. You would have a shot then, providing that you are at least somewhat cute and had a profile that is not completely off-putting (BTW I hope that your profile is not written in the similar style as the messages).

Also, if a guy sends a second annoying message when I don't respond - he automatically gets blocked.

Your Emails should be about two medium paragraphs long, a bit shorter than this paragraph. Read the profile carefully, then scan it several more times. Come up with three "topics" of focus from her profile, and give each two sentences, so you are looking for about 8 sentences overall, an intro, a conclusion and then two sentences each on three points. One point should be funny, even a little eccentric, maybe light teasing about something in the profile. But not over the line into the strange or insulting. One point should tap into a commonality of shared emotion based on a shared interest, not just saying "hey I do that too!" Basically, describe the commonality and then how it makes you feel. The final point should relate something in her profile to your subtle classification of yourself as a regular guy. This is the basic approach. Within this structure, try to make two of the sentences questions.

Once you have some practice doing this, you will begin to learn to customize your Emails to a specific profile without using any kind of map or form such as above. Strongly recommend you stick to a form early on though.

Pay sites get better response. Stating you are looking for a relationship gets a better response. Remove anything "strange" in your profile and any pictures that aren't flattering. Good luck.

Unlike Hokie, I don't find your starter messages "disturbingly lame," you just need to put more meat around them.

Yes, but they're cute on their profile pictures.

 

So please, as an example, what would be a good first message?

I wish I could help you here, but those two profiles you showed had absolutely no substance in them whatsoever...it was just blah blah blah, bullsh*t bullsh*t bullsh*t...even if I wanted to send a message, I wouldn't even know where to begin with that drivel...

I wouldn't have messaged either of them to begin with...

Haha! OMG, that was my first reaction.

But, obviously, they attracted your attention. So, that's what matters. I tried, but I cannot write something in response to those...um...profiles as I look for something much different than you. Well, I'm also a chick. Let me dig up a post a guy wrote to me. Although some context might be lost without knowing my profile, this should help. This e-mail got my attention because it followed Hokie's suggestions: referenced my profile, he showed interest in me by asking questions and offered information about himself. Also, the sense of humor he displayed was a compliment, not a veiled challenge.

[Names and some details redacted]

Hi CrestfallenNoMore,

You have a real talent for putting words together- it's hard not to smile when reading this. The fact that you caught the Pixies reference speaks volumes on your quality of character.

I'm actually pretty glad that we've finally started getting some decent fall weather this fine Monday evening; something about the smell of wood burning fireplaces and a snap in the air takes me back to my childhood. (I grew up on a dairy farm in WI.) I caught myself this afternoon staring out the window at the squirrels eating all the figs off my fig tree and the maple in the backyard just starting to change colors. In just a couple of weeks it will be primo time to visit the Japanese Garden.

So how did you end up in PDX? Have you lived here long? Got any favorite breakfast spots or the inside dope on a good piano bar?

I used to go to XXXX once in awhile. It's the closest thing to a quasi-gangster scene I've found. They make a pretty decent steak too

I'm pretty new at the online dating thing- so whatever works for you is fine with me.

I know they have a "chat" tool here- at the risk of sounding like "Kip" from Napolean Dynamite, should we set up a "Chat room meeting at 4 o'clock"?

Take care- and looking forward. to hearing from you

GuywhowroteCrestfallenNoMore

One thing that hit me as I was reading your post is that your pictures, from what you described, might be making you look as if you're trying too hard. Why not try posting a picture thats a bit more...mundane..

Also, on top of the pictures, your posts are too...forced...

Just relax and talk to these girls as if you were trying to engage a friend. We respond to TRUE confidence much more than "oh look at me, im hard core, im really cool and Im "funny" "!

Juuuust saying. Relax.

I'm actually pretty glad that we've finally started getting some decent fall weather this fine Monday evening; something about the smell of wood burning fireplaces and a snap in the air takes me back to my childhood. (I grew up on a dairy farm in WI.) I caught myself this afternoon staring out the window at the squirrels eating all the figs off my fig tree and the maple in the backyard just starting to change colors. In just a couple of weeks it will be primo time to visit the Japanese Garden.

I wanted to highlight this portion of that guy's message...notice how he tells a story about himself...narrative is incredibly powerful when it comes to writing both your profile and that first message...it paints a picture of who you are, and it distinguishes you from the masses since it's something most people fail to do...

I wish I could help you here, but those two profiles you showed had absolutely no substance in them whatsoever...it was just blah blah blah, bullsh*t bullsh*t bullsh*t...even if I wanted to send a message, I wouldn't even know where to begin with that drivel...

Yeah, but that's the standard 18-23 year old girl's profile so I got to make it work somehow. Pretty much every girls profile is like that.

Girl 1) A tattooed, artsy looking girl with a taste for indyrock and plays bass guitar. I posted "You look and sound like a bit of nut. That's totally Awesome lol

 

How fiercely do you rock the bass?" She didn't respond. I tried to prod her by adding "So... not very well I take it?" but still nothing

You likely insulted her by telling her she looks like she's insane, even though you followed it with "awesome." And I agree with the other posters who said that the prodding is a very bad idea.

Girl 4) A girl who mentioned that her "spine and guts" were the sexiest parts of her body. I texted her a message titled "Spine and guts?" and it read "THOSE are the sexiest parts of your body?

 

You got a zipper up and down your back or something?

 

(BTW, is that a scorpion bowl at _______ in one of your pics)" No response.

If I were her, I probably would've thought, "Wow, he totally missed what I was trying to say, there."

Girl 6) She clearly says on her profile that she only wants casual sex. Doesn't mention much else about herself. I texted a message titled "Seems too good to be true" and it read "What's the catch little girl " No response.

Why did you call her a little girl? Most people would probably be insulted by that.

for the second girl, I would have honed in on the Woody Allen quote, joking that she'd have to be of a misfit to like Woody Allen at her age.

Again, another potential insult that might make her think, "He doesn't get it."

I wish I could give you some more constructive advice/examples on what would be better to write, but I don't have experience with online dating so I don't really know what works. But it's kind of clear what doesn't work.

I wanted to highlight this portion of that guy's message...notice how he tells a story about himself...narrative is incredibly powerful when it comes to writing both your profile and that first message...it paints a picture of who you are, and it distinguishes you from the masses since it's something most people fail to do...

Disagree, the cited passage is a bit maudlin for a first mail unless you are very sure the girl wants a metrosexual, femme-ish guy, or you are over 50. Also found it sleep-inducing.

Also think it wise to make your entire Email ostensibly about her rather than you, start with something from her profile, and then relate it back to you in the ways I described earlier. Remember, they care nothing whatsoever about you as a person, as an ends, at this point, and for a long, long time to come, only about you as a means and how you make -them- feel.

Dump the online dating. 9 out of 10 women on there have issues. Who also happen to have unrealistic expectations of what they can get. It often requires too much effort. When you finally do find one that will go out with you she will more than likely keep looking at other guys on the site. Which will eventually lead to problems.