Wife had 2 EAs - should I just cut and run?

Hi,

Met my wife at university, together for 8 years total and married for 1.5 years.

Round the time of our wedding she was spending a lot of time on Facebook and going away to meet with someone (I think she used to fancy him before we met). She claimed at the time to just be meeting with an old friend. I am a very relaxed person and trusted her implicitly so did not prevent her from going.

Anyhow after a while there were so many signs of an EA that while in Cyprus after the reception I confronted her. She admitted to getting 'close' to this person and blamed me for not giving her the emotional attention she required.

Fast forward 1 year (6 months ago) and she started a gym instructor course. Again the signs all started back up again and while I always tried to get the truth from her about where she had been there was always the perfect 'excuse'. 'Why are you all dressed up after visiting the horses' 'oh.... I had to go into the supermarket afterwards' 'so why don't you smell of horses' 'oh... I only groomed her and didn't ride'

Whatever.

I have an IQ of 150, 2 degrees (first class honours & distinction), and she treats me like a retard.

Anyway.

She started talking asking where our relationship was going etc. I had genuinely been making the effort over the past 6 months and *knew* something was blocking us. So I confronted her about the behaviour and she admitted to having an EA although 'it wasn't really an affair, I didn't do anything I shouldn't have, and we decided to stop it because he was married with a kid and didn't want to break the kid's heart or lie to his wife'

Sorry but I have many platonic female friends and never once have I even had to consider having a conversation like that with them. I also have never knowingly or intentionally kept anything from her.

When I found out I told her to leave then packed my stuff and went away for a few days.

So now she is back and on the phone. Guess what. It is my fault for not giving her the attention she needs and so had to go elsewhere. I work hard to support her and evenings to make money for extras. We are both young (24/28) and have holidays to places like the Maldives, New York etc. Have 3 cars and own our own house. She even had the cheek to whine at me when we came out of our wedding 'only' £5,000 up. Most people come out £15,000 in debt.

She is sending me old emails where I professed my love for her. To be honest when I read those I couldn't see myself writing something like that again, not to her but to anyone. When we argue I express my emotions however she is just like her father and will argue you down and manipulate up to the point I end up apologising for telling her how I feel, state how wrong I was, and make her happy again.

Maybe all of this has taken it's toll, I don't know.

Anyway so what do I do now? Cut my losses and just run? I've been looking at Thailand and am thinking of disappearing off there for a month. Also went to Brighton (a young and vibrant UK city) and am seriously considering just moving there. I think I could make a lot of friends and be happy.

Probably a long stream of consciousness so I hope this makes sense

"Round the time of our wedding she was spending a lot of time on Facebook and going away to meet with someone "

Cheating on you before your married. Claiming it was only an EA. Because you can never prove it was a PA.

Cheating on you now with new OM. WW has proven she is a serial cheater. Divorce her now.

Why wait till you waste your youth, brings home a STD, OM knockes her up, takes all your money?

run,run,run, this gal has no morals what so ever. blaming you for everything under the sun. i truely believe the only reason she's with you is for money,and what you can do for her. best move on, and shut her off financially.

Time to cut your losses and run, she's saying that you don't meet her emotional needs, if you haven't before you won't be able to now and she'll end up having EA's again.

Look after you and do what's best for now, get divorce proceedings started, once can be forgiven but the second time is a no no.

YES!!!! Run as fast as you can!!!!

Hi,

Guess what. It is my fault for not giving her the attention she needs and so had to go elsewhere.

She is still blameshifting and coming across as immature. Honestly, before you can move forward, if thats what you want, she needs to OWN what she did.

Frankly, running seems in this case to be the best option.

She's taking no responsibility for her own actions. She's had 2 EAs in less than 2 years. It doesn't seem that there's much hope for your relationship based on the information provided here.

Sorry....

B, I can promise you that she had more than EA's with these guys. 2 unrepentant EA's in 2yrs, cut your losses and save yourself LOT of grief with a divorce.

Hmm, neither you nor Einstein could manage their love lives. Do not be complacent about your marriage. It takes hard work. And commitment.

She is guilty that the affair developed. Both you and her are responsible for the marriage.

Are you debating whether you should stay married to her because of your promise or are you just fed up with her?

Thanks all for taking the time to reply.

Part of me wants to run (why else would I have spent the past 3 days planning a trip to Thailand and looking at places to live in Bournemouth). However part of me wants us to work things out... Perhaps I do feel somewhat to blame in terms of not giving her what she needs. We have been together for a long time and university does bond people together.

Having said that we have had virtually no physical contact other than kissing/hugs for 2 maybe even 3 years. Opportunities have come my way with other women while out clubbing and the answer has always been a firm 'no thanks, I'm married'. Physical intimacy is something I really miss with a partner . She says this is because of her not getting what she needs emotionally. How true this is I don't know. We hug, kiss, hold hands wherever we go, I look after her, and tell her I love her loads. Maybe that isn't enough for some women...

Luckily there are no kids involved so any separation would just be a 50/50 on the assets/finances :S. Maybe that makes things easier - I don't know.

In terms of her self sufficiency she has just graduated from her 2nd PhD and landed a couple of jobs that will start to put her on a par with my earnings... One of the other reasons I'm pissed off - 8 years to get her where she is and BANG all gone...

Having said that we have had virtually no physical contact other than kissing/hugs for 2 maybe even 3 years.

So ... let me get this straight ... you haven't had sex with your WIFE since you were MARRIED!!!

Met my wife at university, together for 8 years total and married for 1.5 years.

YOU have bigger issues than your Wife's?? serial cheating ... such as ... WHY ... is your self-respect so low that you would marry a woman that won't have sex with you??? ... would you even consider tolerating her disrespecting you by having sex with others considering how she treats you otherwise???

It still never ceases to amaze me how men will devalue themselves for a woman not even close to being worthy of their love for them.

No sex, 3 yrs, and she's having 2 emotional affairs? and then blames you and takes no responsibility for them!!?!? WTF when are your needs being met? sounds to me like she's the dominate one in the marriage, mayn where's your heart?

I would just be done with her. I mean what are you getting out of being married to her, a lifetime of cheating and her treating you like crap. And even if the situation was reversed I'd tell you to leave anyway, she doesnt respect you as a partner or a human being.

It might come down to her having an affair and filing for divorce anyways. What's next her getting preggo with someone else's baby?

...Time to go. You need to leave this woman, if she'll cheat and blame it on you, there's no sense of recovery until she can be remorseful and empathize with your pain. Let you find someone else while being married. let's see how the tables turn. Can she blame you then, she isnt meeting your needs but did you go out and cheat??? No.

Cheating was her choice!

She is my first long term partner so maybe I don't know any better...

Maybe in 2 years it's been 6 times... Thinking back we got married in Cyprus, were there for 2 weeks, and didn't have sex once. That includes the wedding night. While in the Maldives she told me the attention she craved was there but yep... No sex.

I'm tall, physically fit, educated and well off for my age (self made). Girls do flirt with me so I guess there is nothing physically wrong

I think this second EA has woken me up and given some much needed perspective on my life... I am an optimist at heart so I know better times will come my way

run!!!

trust me do it before she does it again.

I think this second EA has woken me up and given some much needed perspective on my life... I am an optimist at heart so I know better times will come my way

I hope you are correct. You obviously have a lot going for you ... there is no need for someone with your abilities and attributes to settle for crumbs from such a woman.

Good Luck in your future relationships!!!

Does this mean that you are intelligent?

Sorry to be harsh, but perhaps there are areas of your knowledge that you need to brush up on.

I doubt there were many questions on the IQ test concerning emotional issues and symtoms of a problematic marriage.

You did not have sex on your wedding nite....WTF? And you were okay with that? Newlelyweds having sex 6 times in 2 years.

I can recall having sex more than 6 times in one evening in the lustful beginning of my relationship.

Also, you accect that these were just EA's?

Almost ALL cheaters will say that if given the chance.

Have you ever heard 'we were just friends', the oldest lie in history?

Sir, I am sure you are very educated and well off.

Your relationship however is not well off.

Should you cut and run.....I would say normally yes.....but this an oddball.

Do you masterbate constantly?

You are in your 20's.....I am 45 and can't go a week without sex.

Something is off here.....I am not sure what......

Now, please understand that the cheating is HER fault despite your lack of emotional support.

This is a quite common complaint from woman who are supported emotionally as well. So, how much were you giving? Nothing at all? Or, is she blameshifting somewhat. We tend to self-blame to take away the shame of what our wives were capable of.

I hope you are correct. You obviously have a lot going for you ... there is no need for someone with your abilities and attributes to settle for crumbs from such a woman.

 

Good Luck in your future relationships!!!

I agree. This guy sounds like a hell of a catch, and one day, when he's in a loving relationship with a good woman, he's going to look back on this episode of his life and kick himself for putting up with it as long as he did.

Wait, you said you two are 24 & 28 in age? And yet she has two PhDs? Something is not adding up right.

Have you two even considered marriage counseling? The communication between you two is just about non-existant. And your answer seems to be in running away as you did in the past. No wonder why she talks about the emotional disconnection.

Also look back at her family life in how her parents treated her. That plays a big role in this.

Please Google the five languages of love. How do you speak her love language?

Have you approached her about treating you like a retard?

People don't have affairs because of unmet needs. People have affairs because they don't protect their marriages, or themselves, from their own weaknesses.

 

-ol' 2long

Yep! I'm kinda curious about the relationship though!

Once again thank you for the replies.

Just a few comments:

Wait, you said you two are 24 & 28 in age? And yet she has two PhDs? Something is not adding up right.

Well spotted - typo on my part - she is 26 and moved up a year while in school. She did A-levels > BSc. > Phd > Clinical Psychology ('2nd Phd').

Have you two even considered marriage counseling? The communication between you two is just about non-existant. And your answer seems to be in running away as you did in the past. No wonder why she talks about the emotional disconnection.

 

Also look back at her family life in how her parents treated her. That plays a big role in this.

I don't think I have ever run away in the past I think it may have more to do with how she was treated (bullied) at school. She is the psychologist tho...

Does this mean that you are intelligent?

 

Sorry to be harsh, but perhaps there are areas of your knowledge that you need to brush up on.

I doubt there were many questions on the IQ test concerning emotional issues and symtoms of a problematic marriage.

Yes IQ and EQ are two very different things. I referenced that to point out that I could see the signs a mile off.

Do you masterbate constantly?

You are in your 20's.....I am 45 and can't go a week without sex.

I am a man so yes I do have basic needs and hence masturbate and no that does not impact our relationship. Trust me I am ready to go any time she is. Equally it has not detracted from me approaching her!

Please Google the five languages of love. How do you speak her love language?

 

Have you approached her about treating you like a retard?

I googled but to be honest don't really know how to answer that one. I express my feelings through words and physical gestures (hugging, kissing etc.). I guess she also wants me to express it to her by leaving notes, calling her all the time, and texting.

With respect to the second point yes I confronted her and she denied it To be fair it is only in the context of her lying about where she was rather than a daily occurrence.

Erm and the final update..

We spoke tonight for a couple of hours. I honestly did not know what the right thing to do was, stay, break for a while, or call it off. She pushed me into a corner (verbally) so I just said we should end it....

She went around pushing the photographs over then went to bed sobbing her heart out

I went in to comfort her (I do care about her) and we spoke some more. Stupidly I said we could try for a month to see how things went. She said it was only because I could see her upset (true) so I guess that means things are still 'over'. Again spoke and she said we couldn't resolve things unless we both took responsibility for what went wrong.

My 29th this weekend... ho hum.

I'm very sorry b0rk, for your pain if nothing else because, cynic though I may be, I simply don't see this marriage surviving the damage already inflicted upon it.

Please keep posting.

Pal, you and I could be in the same boat. I get very easily distracted by my interests.

Do you spend a minimum of 15 hours quality time with her per week? Do know that a woman needs lovemaking on a 24 hour scale? Have you understood the depth of her EA?

Please refer to the articles at Marriage Builders. Study the concept of a POJA. I do not know your specific problem. I hope that you do not quickly duck out.

Consider this an apprenticeship as a husband!