Would you date a recovered alcoholic?

Well...

As the title of my thread says...would you date a recovered alcoholic? The new guy that I'm starting to date (2 dates) just confessed that to me. I think it was brave of him telling me his situation so soon. I'm open minded, but I have mixed feelings at the moment? He seems a nice guy though.

Opinions?

Of course. I don't care about what's in somebody's past if they have reformed. But amount of time since the "recovery" would play a part in it. If he "recovered" yesterday, then probably not. How many days sober?

Thanks for your answer SS, well, he told me that it was years ago... but I'm worried that if someone had an addiction, maybe it can develop into a different/other kind of addiction? Do I make sense?

Soulmind, alcoholics are compulsive liars. To themselves and to others. There is also such a thing as a "dry drunk" where they are still exhibiting the characteristics of an alcoholic in spite of not drinking alcohol.

So, yes, what you say makes sense. Has he indicated that he's had any type of therapy or support group association? Have you met any of his friends?

I think your instincts are right on this. Be cautious.

Soulmind, alcoholics are compulsive liars. To themselves and to others. There is also such a thing as a "dry drunk" where they are still exhibiting the characteristics of an alcoholic in spite of not drinking alcohol.

 

So, yes, what you say makes sense. Has he indicated that he's had any type of therapy or support group association? Have you met any of his friends?

 

I think your instincts are right on this. Be cautious.

agreed x 2

You need to find out what sort of therapy, if any, he's had.

Addicts have very deep seated issues and a ton of baggage.

My BF now is an alcoholic, and my ex before him also. Though I had NO idea they were addicts when I met them. I was already deep into it when they revealed themselves.

Personally, I would stay away from any addicts but that is based on my experience only.

My current BF has not had a drink in a yr and I believe won't ever again, but his issues that stem from his addiction will take YEARS (if ever) to heal

Soulmind, alcoholics are compulsive liars. To themselves and to others. There is also such a thing as a "dry drunk" where they are still exhibiting the characteristics of an alcoholic in spite of not drinking alcohol.

 

So, yes, what you say makes sense. Has he indicated that he's had any type of therapy or support group association? Have you met any of his friends?

 

I think your instincts are right on this. Be cautious.

Yeah, you can lick my bollocks. Or did you just miss the "recovered" part? As someone who has succesfully dealt with problems with alcohol with the help of nothing but my own will and character, I salute your ignorance and judgmentalism.

While it is true that a person with a drinking problem (I don't use alchoholism because it has a "discrete" sound to it, while problems with alcohol really are a continuum, with the stereotypical alcoholic on the very end) if they have not realized that they have a problem and really need to make a change is a hopeless case until that point, somebody who has actually committed to resolving this issue usually has way more strenght of character than run of the mill forum sissy.

So, OP, the thing that I'd look for is does he seem like he's struggling with staying away or is he comfortable and at peace. Any evidence of still struggling to stay away from the bad **** could be an indication that he's not fully processed/committed to recovery. Does he currently drink at all? Any attempts at moderation, rules (such as "I'll only drink beer", "I'll only have 2 drinks") etc. are a huge red flag that he does not understand what's up. (While there is negligible chance that a person with an alcohol problem could return to 'normal' drinking, the odds are so low that it usually just is a disaster waiting to happen).

There are many ways to get past an alcohol problem, but the single common factor for success is a full and complete understanding that the person in question simply cannot drink - ever. In other words, everybody who has such a problem needs to hit their own personal rock bottom for things to sink in (and for many - they don't). Beyond that point, no method of dealing with this addiction is better than others - as long as it results in understanding of the problem and a true commitment to put it behind. If your guy is at that point, you probably have nothing to worry about. Do tell what you find out.

I'm an Alcoholic with over 22 years of sobriety...

I don't think dating a recovering Alcoholic is any different than dating any other type of guy.. the difference is that he doesn't drink .

I do think his recovery plays a big part in how strong his sobriety legs are and if he has worked hard to fix the other issues that led to his drinking problem.

As far as the posters that talk about Alcoholics being compulsives liars.. well that isn't true..

While drinking and not sober a drunk lives in a life of denial and he says anything to feed that life.. yes he lies.. he lies to continue drinking.

If he is truly sober then he has worked out his denial demons and is true and honest to himself.. that is where the dishonesty lies in a drunk.. mainly within himself.

As far as it leading to other addictions.. I'm addicted to Dove Dark Chocolate.. does that count ?

As far as your guy is concerned.. ask him about his recovery.. ask him his feelings about if he wants a drink today..

Let your ears guide you on whether he is really recovering or merely just not drinking.

No offense to recovering addicts, and I think it's truly commendable that you guys fought the 'demon", but I don't think I would take adivce on this topic from former addicts. The advice from the victims of the addicts is way more of a "truth" then that of former addict.

I've sat in numerous AA and Al Alon meetings and can tell you, the strength I received was from the victims and not the addicts.

Unless the addict has been sober for YEARS and had A TON of therapy, I would not get involved.

Well if you like the guy then why not give him a chance go out on a few more dates and see where it goes, It was very brave of him to come out like that and that shows that he's trying to change and be honest with you, so like I said if u like him give him a shot. People can change and better themselves dont fall for the stereotypes not everyone who's been an alcoholic will continue down that path. I always believe in giving people a chance!

Very enlightening answers!

Well... I'll need to make him more questions. But as far as my observation went that day... well, I ordered a glass of red wine and he ordered just a pineapple juice...and that was the moment when he explained his situation. I was feeling guilty with the red wine! But it was the only drink that I had, He seemed very controlled and relaxed, not even looking at my drink once. But, it's just the start... I'll need "extra" normal dates to let the real and relaxed person to emerge...and I'll make my mind then. I'm taking our dates with caution, but anyway, ALL dates need to be taken with caution, and at least he was upfront about it.

Now... I like my odd glass of red wine with meals or just chilling out... if I continue dating...Will I need to stop drinking as well? (That would be sadly a turn off...) Would it be rude (of me) drinking in front of him? This is all new for me, but if he is a good guy I'm willing to explore possibilities!

No offense to recovering addicts, and I think it's truly commendable that you guys fought the 'demon", but I don't think I would take adivce on this topic from former addicts. The advice from the victims of the addicts is way more of a "truth" then that of former addict.

I've sat in numerous AA and Al Alon meetings and can tell you, the strength I received was from the victims and not the addicts.

 

 

Unless the addict has been sober for YEARS and had A TON of therapy, I would not get involved.

I meant no offense to recovering addicts either but I also agree with the above. This is not a topic that a recovering addict can really give solid advice on, in my opinion.

Sure there are good people who have been addicted and have recovered but it takes a lot of work and time. My advice was to use her judgment and be cautious. I stand by that advice.

I wouldn't date a recovered alcoholic...but then again I wouldn't date men with children, smokers, or men with past drug-related problems either. I think it's too much baggage for my taste, even if it is in the past.

Very enlightening answers!

 

Well... I'll need to make him more questions. But as far as my observation went that day... well, I ordered a glass of red wine and he ordered just a pineapple juice...and that was the moment when he explained his situation. I was feeling guilty with the red wine! But it was the only drink that I had, He seemed very controlled and relaxed, not even looking at my drink once. But, it's just the start... I'll need "extra" normal dates to let the real and relaxed person to emerge...and I'll make my mind then. I'm taking our dates with caution, but anyway, ALL dates need to be taken with caution, and at least he was upfront about it.

 

Now... I like my odd glass of red wine with meals or just chilling out... if I continue dating...Will I need to stop drinking as well? (That would be sadly a turn off...) Would it be rude (of me) drinking in front of him? This is all new for me, but if he is a good guy I'm willing to explore possibilities!

Well I dated a guy once who had a drinking problem now he was not a recovering alcoholic he was just a binge drinker so I tried to change that (big mistake) but for a while he did stop drinking but he would get upset when I drank and when I drank that gave him an excuse to drink, here is what I think you should do, get to know him a little better and address the issue to him see how he feels and then make a decision from there. I think that's the best option that way you dont have to guess or feel uncomfortable.

Very enlightening answers!

 

Well... I'll need to make him more questions. But as far as my observation went that day... well, I ordered a glass of red wine and he ordered just a pineapple juice...and that was the moment when he explained his situation. I was feeling guilty with the red wine! But it was the only drink that I had, He seemed very controlled and relaxed, not even looking at my drink once. But, it's just the start... I'll need "extra" normal dates to let the real and relaxed person to emerge...and I'll make my mind then. I'm taking our dates with caution, but anyway, ALL dates need to be taken with caution, and at least he was upfront about it.

 

Now... I like my odd glass of red wine with meals or just chilling out... if I continue dating...Will I need to stop drinking as well? (That would be sadly a turn off...) Would it be rude (of me) drinking in front of him? This is all new for me, but if he is a good guy I'm willing to explore possibilities!

I drink wine in front of my BF but I can see it bothers him since he's only one yr into recovery, but this issues is his and controlling your behavior for him is not something you should even think about.

If he were new to recovery and/or you were with him for a while, then yes you can alter your lifestyle to suit him, but at this point, it's not your problem.

Explore, but while you're exploring, do not fall for him. Being in love with someone who falls of the wagon is pure torture.

I wouldn't date a recovered alcoholic...but then again I wouldn't date men with children, smokers, or men with past drug-related problems either. I think it's too much baggage for my taste, even if it is in the past.

Why didn't you tell me this yrs ago :-)

I'm with a former addict with dysfunctional kids who smokes....hahaha!

Explore, but while you're exploring, do not fall for him. Being in love with someone who falls of the wagon is pure torture.

You are right Red Devil...no... got burnt once...that's it, no more! My ex-husband had an addiction... I thought...it is such a simple addiction, I'll be OK... no way! His addiction? Play Station!! Believe me or not was a HUGE problem between us... of course maybe I can't compare, but still is an addiction, and he ended taking therapy!

I'll take the situation VERY SLOW. I'm in observation mood at the moment!

You are right Red Devil...no... got burnt once...that's it, no more! My ex-husband had an addiction... I thought...it is such a simple addiction, I'll be OK... no way! His addiction? Play Station!! Believe me or not was a HUGE problem between us... of course maybe I can't compare, but still is an addiction, and he ended taking therapy!

 

I'll take the situation VERY SLOW. I'm in observation mood at the moment!

It's not the vice (booze, drugs video games) that defines the addiction, it's how the addiction alters life that defines it.

His vice was video games which would drive me as NUTS as a drinker.

Take it slow and keep us posted here :-)

You act as though being an Alcoholic removes someone from giving advice.. get over yourself...

As someone who has dated Active Alcoholics/Drinkers myself through out my sobriety and who has been a child of an Alcoholic I can say that you all are full of shiot when you say that only a non addict can give advice..

What better place to get the truth of what is going on than to here it from the Recovered Drunk ?

It sounds to me that those posters are also living without going to therapy themselves

You guys could use a few meetings yourselves..and take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouths during those meetings..

To the OP.. you don't need to stop drinking and if your drinking bothers him then that should be a trigger to yourself that he is having a tough time dealing with it..

Many people don;t realize it but you can buy beer at every corner.. so if I wanted to drink I could and you drinking a beer around me isn't going to make me drink..

I myself am usually the DD in situations when people party.. I also mix drinks and buy Alcohol on occasion if going to a party...

I just don't drink.. that is the biggest difference when you are around me..

My wife has some drinks on occasion as well.. no it doesn't bother me.

Don't think that you're going to change him. Because you won't. Best not to get involved with someone like that, unless you yourself are the same way then you have something in common.

You act as though being an Alcoholic removes someone from giving advice.. get over yourself...

 

As someone who has dated Active Alcoholics/Drinkers myself through out my sobriety and who has been a child of an Alcoholic I can say that you all are full of shiot when you say that only a non addict can give advice..

 

What better place to get the truth of what is going on than to here it from the Recovered Drunk ?

 

It sounds to me that those posters are also living without going to therapy themselves

You guys could use a few meetings yourselves..and take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouths during those meetings..

This reply is all the proof you need to decide if you want to date a former addict!

This reply is all the proof you need to decide if you want to date a former addict!

.. remember that your advice is tainted by the fact you are dealing with an Alcoholic that is new to sobriety and is having trouble dealig with it..

Should she ignore your advice because of that ?..

You should get yourself into Alanon and help yourself remove some of those mental roadblocks you are having concerning Alcoholism..

This is of course only my opinion

Don't think that you're going to change him. Because you won't. Best not to get involved with someone like that, unless you yourself are the same way then you have something in common.

This is true being Codependent is something that each person dealing with someone who has an addiction should watch for..

Enabling behavior and thinking you can change him is codependent behavior and also isn't healthy for the person wo doesn't have the addiction.

I was never an alcoholic, but I had my share of mental problems when I was a bit younger - problems that plagued me for a while.

Embers from those problems still linger, but all in all I am recovered. I am no less fit to have a relationship than anyone else. If anything, what didn't kill me just made me stronger.

I'm bringing this up because I can relate to former alcoholics while never being an alcoholic myself. All I can say is that I would find someone incredibly judgmental and ignorant if they painted me as someone unfit for them because of past issues.

OP, see for yourself if your current guy still shows signs of having a drinking problem. Don't be too quick to make any judgments.

Very enlightening answers!

 

Well... I'll need to make him more questions. But as far as my observation went that day... well, I ordered a glass of red wine and he ordered just a pineapple juice...and that was the moment when he explained his situation. I was feeling guilty with the red wine! But it was the only drink that I had, He seemed very controlled and relaxed, not even looking at my drink once. But, it's just the start... I'll need "extra" normal dates to let the real and relaxed person to emerge...and I'll make my mind then. I'm taking our dates with caution, but anyway, ALL dates need to be taken with caution, and at least he was upfront about it.

 

Now... I like my odd glass of red wine with meals or just chilling out... if I continue dating...Will I need to stop drinking as well? (That would be sadly a turn off...) Would it be rude (of me) drinking in front of him? This is all new for me, but if he is a good guy I'm willing to explore possibilities!

Don't feel bad about you drinking! You don't have to change anything in your habits. If he is indeed done with drinking, it won't bother them one bit, and also it won't affect his/your social life - you can have as much fun in bars and restaurants, barbeques whatever. The only difference is that he'll be sucking on something non-alcoholic. So unless catching a buzz is important for you to have fun, some social drinking won't be a problem. If he has any sort of problem with you drinking, needs to fight it etc. then he's not fully recovered yet. Indeed, even more generally - if he even has to expend any amount of energy to think about not drinking (instead of this being a given), he's probably still working on it (and that's fine, but a true recovery is when you understand - not just rationally, but also emotionally - that you are to never have another drink again). On the flipside - don't *ever* encourage him to have "just one"!

(Just for the record, this has been my personal experience - I quit drinking about 4 years ago, but still go out with friends who drink all the time and it has never bothered me; conversely nobody cares that I don't drink - including my long time drinking buddies).

I'm welcoming all kind of answers! All of you make me think in a good way... AC and Sam Spade made good comments!

I'll see him again next week, this would be the 3rd date (and maybe the first kiss...I'm taking all very slow, for my own sake!) But, before anything, I would like to be observant...

What do you suggest? How can I know if a drink still triggers strong emotions/reactions on him?

Some red flags that I need to be aware? Don't get me wrong. I'm not worried AT ALL. Just self protecting. He is at this time showing a very kind and nice side of him (but, who doesn't on first dates? Including me!) I don't want to look straight forward with questions, but just protect my self of any wrong outcome.