Separated one week and Wife is Seeking sex with other Men already

My wife and I have been married for 6.5 years, (we were together for a little over a year before we were married) and last monday she stayed home and moved out to her mother's while I was at work.

She was waiting for me in her car when I got home and then she dropped the bomb on me, she said that she was unhappy and has been unhappy for a while, she said she doesn't know why she is unhappy or if it is me, but that she needs some time. She is on depression medication and also pain medications that dull her emotions a lot, she has really changed in the past year or so, she has withdrawn herself emotionally and physically.

Well she went out with a mutual friend (more her friend than mine) and my brother, and was flirting with other guys, giving out her cell phone number, she kissed our mutual friend and the group went to a hotel room because they were too drunk to drive home, (also with a girlfriend of our mutual friend). My wife was really wasted at the time, but she was laying next to my brother rubbing her leg on his crotch to turn him on, the sign was unmistakable, she wanted to have sex, my brother said nothing happened and I believe him, but I just can't understand why she would be going out to the bar less than a week after our separation and to top it off, try and have sex with my brother. Why would she go out so soon when she is vulnerable and also why would she try and do something so hurtful to me like have sex with my brother.

(she did tell me last night when I was dropping off our 4 year old son, that she hasn't loved me for a while and what she does is none of my business, I didn't confront her about what happened, I was just giving her some friendly advice about her being vulnerable right now and also when she drinks, she drinks too much and can be taken advantage of by guys very easily) (she gets really loose when drunk)

I love her so much and it hurts so bad to be apart, and it hurts that she is returning to the bar scene so quickly after our separation.

Please help me get through this really trying time.

Any advice would be welcome.

Thank you,

Steve

Take a fools advice?

Let her go!

Watch out Boy! She'll eat you up!

She's a "man-eater!"

There's a World of Hurt about to come down on you!

I'm trying to let her go, I'm being strong and not contacting her or begging to get back together or crying (although I did cry when she told me initially), but at the same time, I love her so much and she has really hurt me and is continuing to hurt me, (but I still want her back so badly)

I have to briefly see her on saturday when she drops off my son and sunday when I drop him off. What should I do or say to try and get her back if there is chance? I know it is a small chance but I want to do the right things if there is a chance.

I think the medications she is taking is totally numbing her emotions and she thinks that she has fallen out of love with me because of them. (Prozac, Morphine, cyclobenzaprine, Hydrocodone, Methocarbomal, and Tramadol) I also used to smoke pot for years and she didn't like it, I finally quit cold turkey for the last time in January of this year, but other than that I don't know how I could have hurt her or angered her enough to leave, she says she isn't hurt but I think she is because she didn't give me a reason why she left except that she hasn't loved me for a while, she has been taking a lot of prescription meds for about a year, but she has pretty much always been on the Prozac since she was a teenager, although she did take a break from it when she was first with me and also when she was pregnant. I have asked her to get help but she is unwilling and she also doesn't want to go to counselling.

Please help me, I really appreciate it.

thank you, thank you, thank you,

Steve

*Sigh* You've got a long, hard road ahead of you. better pack and lunch and buy some new shoes, 'cause you've got some emotional traveling to do.

Best advice I can give right now follows Gunny's; let her go. You may not quite be able to cut ties emotionally (yet) but if you love her and want to work it out, you MUST leave her alone. Anything...repeat, ANYTHING you say or do to try and change her mind will be used against you. Don't just take it from me, but the many others here who know. She will eat you up.

Bottom line: If she loves you, REALLY loves you, she will return after she's had some time to think and digest things. Only she can do this, on her time table. Your timetable is yours; just like her, you have a choice. Don't forget that, don't make her feel like she is the only one with "power". Take it back, and take it back now.

Don't say anything. If you must communicate (and since you have a kid, you'll have to) measure your words carefully. If you find out something bad, write it down. Don't confront her. I _know_ it's hard. Don't fret if you make a mistake and blow it. If you do slip, apologize to her and get back to being even. Be nice...not for her, but for you. be steady, do what's best for the kid and take care of your business. Find a partner or friend(s) to confide in and share with them. If they love you, they will help you out.

Now...eat and sleep. That will be hard. If you think about her all day, your mind will not let you sleep. Small portions of food with lots of water or juice. Resist the temptation to drink heavily...you'll just feel worse. When my wife dropped the bomb I walked a lot and lost 30-lb. I look better now.

Keep posting and hang in. You are not alone.

Kids. Horrible complication. Start reading books on single parenting. Kid in the picture or not, it's time to bow out gracefully.

Any woman who would try and seduce her husbands brother (even if actually seperated) isn't worth the oxygen it take for her to continue to function.

Thank your higher power that you found out before your belly sagged and your hair turned gray.

Oh.... and consider. She DRINKS so she can pretend men are "taking advantage" of her. It's not an excuse for her behavior it's a pretext.

I think the meds are a big part of why she left. Who would be in their right mind taking all of that. For now she does not need to be driving a car on all those meds much less a car with your son. She does not need to be alone with your son on all these meds. How can she properly care for him if she is on drugs. If she attempts to get him get the police involved, this is serious. She needs to go to a rehab to get off of all of these drugs.

I was on one drug klonopin for a few months and it changed my personality. What she is on is way more than would be needed. Being on one low dose of benzo took me 2 months to get off of. I was sick every day with worse symptoms than when I started taking them. I am completely fine now and my emotions are not blunted.

Can you tell her she needs to come home and get help. You need to figure out a way asap to get her help. A detox center is no good . She needs a counselor who will help her help herself and a good doctor who understands the withdrawl process. Detox centers often take you off way to fast and do not taper over months or probably years ( she will probably need a year of tapering or more) . If she gets off faster this will most likely cause a relapse.

I am sorry this may be a long road if you are willing to help her. If you do split up you can be sure that this pattern will continue and she will not truly care about the people in her life until she is sober.

Forget her! She's drugged-out on Prozac, Morphine, cyclobenzaprine, Hydrocodone, Methocarbomal, and Tramadol

You've got to concentrate on you and your children!

Time to man-up!

I was on Prozac for awhile for PTSD until I said forget this "s***!

Suck it up, Man-up, and deal with it!

S*** happens! Deal with it!

Lighten up Gunny, this lad has major malfunctions he hasn't even thought of, much less discovered yet. Sending him to boot when he couldn't pass the psyche won't help.

And to the OP, I repeat, there is absolutely nothing you can do if the woman decides to walk away. She's in the drivers seat. You aren't even a passenger. If you are real lucky she won't chain you to the bumper before she hits the gas.

Make your exit now, before she gets really mean.

I tried to get her to go to counseling, but she won't, she came to me a while ago and said she was addicted to the pains meds, so it was a cry for help, I told her she should seek professional help, but she didn't want to, she did says that she was going to start taking less and I asked her periodically how she was doing and most of the time she told me nicely and sometimes she would say I'm taking what I need (she supposedly has fibromyalgia which is hard to diagnose, I think it is side effects of the drugs she was taking for her foot being in pain) I don't think she will come back and get help, I don't think she will even get help where she is unless something drastic happens. Most of the time when she drinks she drinks too much and isn't in her right state of mind, the liqour takes over and so do her hormones, I'm not worried about her sleeping with someone else because I pretty much know it is going to happen (don't get me wrong it hurts me very badly), I'm worried about her getting pregnant or a disease.

I really care about her as a friend too, and I gave her some advice last night when I dropped our son off that hopefully she will take, (we can still talk friendly) my advice was to take it easy when she drinks and that she is vulnerable right now - she said it wasn't my problem and I shouldn't be concerned about that - I reiterated that I was only talking to her as a friend and not trying to be jealous or control her.

I'm giving her all the space I can, I haven't called her once, we have just talked when she dropped my son off and when I dropped him off (she did come over wednesday for about an hour with our son so that I could see him, and we talked a little, I told her that I agreed that we need some time apart so that she can figure things out)

Please help me with what I can/should do to help her get through whatever she needs to and also keep my sanity

thank you very much,

Steve

Do you have a sagged belly and gray hair?

 

 

 

Interesting observation and insight.

Hell yes, I'm 59 years old. Hairs not to bad the beard is snow white (I don't grow it). Have a few heart attacks, and 5 years of steriods for the damage see how you turn out!

Please help me with what I can/should do to help her get through whatever she needs to and also keep my sanity

thank you very much,

Steve

Steve there is nothing you can do. It's her decisions, and it's up to her. You have no choices in this. That's not the answer you want, it's real.

This is the 21st Century. Men are powerless to effect their wives behaviors if the wives are not willing to cooperate. Society is on their side, their friends are on their side, the law and courts are on their side. Men are just accessories these days. If we are convient they keep us around.

Wake up and smell the coffee. She's made her choice, and is on her path. She's gone. Doesen't want your help. Start dealing with the damage she's created. Take care of your child. Be the best you can be, she's lost.

Sorry mate.

Steve,

Please listen to the advice being given, it's the best you'll get. They are both giving it to you straight up, unfiltered and you need to understand it. You do not know your W anymore, she is gone and will not come back.

Your W may have moved out to have an affair, you need to find that out. All of the signs/indicators are there, you just don't know the whole truth until you investigate. If I were you I would start documenting everything, get an attorney and pursue FULL custody of your child. She is not in the right state of mind to raise a child and you should have little problems proving that. It seems as you are still in the marital home, and that is something in your favor as well. You have to go to war, so start your preparation for it!

If your W is just floundering under the fog of all her medications and is screwed up, the shock of getting D papers and losing custody should be enough to wake her up a bit. If so, insist she gets help or continue with the divorce. If she truly wants to get help, be there every step along the way and show your true love and compassion for her, but protect yourself until she gets herself straight.

Good Luck,

Jonesey

Jonesy's right. Prepare your exit stratagy now. Contact an attorney an have D papers drawn. You don't have to file right away, but given her behavior I wouldn't wait long. Based upon her drug and alcohol issues, I would file for full custody.

Change your financial accounts to protect yourself. Once you file, first thing she'll do is go for the cash.

In my experience, following a break-up, women are often emotionally driven to get laid very quickly after, while the man feels a period of sexual abstinence is appropriate. Don't know why.

Lighten up Gunny, this lad has major malfunctions he hasn't even thought of, much less discovered yet. Sending him to boot when he couldn't pass the psyche won't help.

 

And to the OP, I repeat, there is absolutely nothing you can do if the woman decides to walk away. She's in the drivers seat. You aren't even a passenger. If you are real lucky she won't chain you to the bumper before she hits the gas.

 

Make your exit now, before she gets really mean.

Your right LS! But you know how impatient us Gunny's can get with "Priv's!" just 'in country'!

Its our job to snap them quick, fast, and and hurry like! To let them know there's a world of hurt out there, and its all going to come raining down on you!

When you find your self neck deep in tha' "s***! It will be too late to say your "sorry" then!

I've found that 90% of what we worry about? Isn't worth worrying about!

Its the 10% we don't even think about ~ that comes back to bite us in the @zz!

*Sigh* You've got a long, hard road ahead of you. better pack and lunch and buy some new shoes, 'cause you've got some emotional traveling to do.

 

Best advice I can give right now follows Gunny's; let her go. You may not quite be able to cut ties emotionally (yet) but if you love her and want to work it out, you MUST leave her alone. Anything...repeat, ANYTHING you say or do to try and change her mind will be used against you. Don't just take it from me, but the many others here who know. She will eat you up.

 

Bottom line: If she loves you, REALLY loves you, she will return after she's had some time to think and digest things. Only she can do this, on her time table. Your timetable is yours; just like her, you have a choice. Don't forget that, don't make her feel like she is the only one with "power". Take it back, and take it back now.

 

Don't say anything. If you must communicate (and since you have a kid, you'll have to) measure your words carefully. If you find out something bad, write it down. Don't confront her. I _know_ it's hard. Don't fret if you make a mistake and blow it. If you do slip, apologize to her and get back to being even. Be nice...not for her, but for you. be steady, do what's best for the kid and take care of your business. Find a partner or friend(s) to confide in and share with them. If they love you, they will help you out.

 

Now...eat and sleep. That will be hard. If you think about her all day, your mind will not let you sleep. Small portions of food with lots of water or juice. Resist the temptation to drink heavily...you'll just feel worse. When my wife dropped the bomb I walked a lot and lost 30-lb. I look better now.

 

Keep posting and hang in. You are not alone.

Great advice, bump.

I really appreciate the advice and am taking it to heart.

She said that she doesn't want a divorce and I'm scared that if I try that she will have her mom get a really good divorce attorney (she has lots of cash) and I would lose my son. I don't really have too much money, I don't know how much a divorce would cost in California.

We are still friends, we are staying friends because there wasn't anger (supposedly, at least she won't admit to it)

I don't want him to not have his mother in his life either, I think that would irreparably damage him.

Why would she say that she doesn't want a divorce?

thank you for your help,

Steve

I really appreciate the advice and am taking it to heart.

 

She said that she doesn't want a divorce and I'm scared that if I try that she will have her mom get a really good divorce attorney (she has lots of cash) and I would lose my son. I don't really have too much money, I don't know how much a divorce would cost in California.

 

We are still friends, we are staying friends because there wasn't anger (supposedly, at least she won't admit to it) I don't want him to not have his mother in his life either, I think that would irreparably damage him.

 

Why would she say that she doesn't want a divorce?

 

thank you for your help,

 

Steve

She said that because she doesn't want to finalize anything...yet. Hard as it may be to face, once she finds someone she's 'in love' with, she'll file or pressure you to. Steve, women don't leave men they love. Women will fight and scratch; wild horses couldn't drag them away. Have you ever not been attracted to someone who was attracted to you? The difference is, this came after vows, children, etc. Unfortunately, marriage for many is just an extended trial.

Both you and your wife have a legal right to be with the child. Don't let mommy's cash scare you; just about any competent divorce lawyer will get you joint custody. It isn't like TV Steve...unless she gets dirty. You've been advised several times to document everything. Do it. If, for some reason she becomes hostile, she can accuse you of almost anything. Be prepared.

Now, the most important thing: DON'T BE SCARED. Fear will make you weak and effect your judgment. Remember, if she left the home and you then she is breaking the promise she made to you. The vow. If a person does not have their word, then what is left Steve? Don't you understand, she is showing you her true colors. You are shocked and in denial...looking for a ray of hope in everything she says and does. You must regain control.

That means control of what you do, say and what you decide. You love her. She knows that and she's using it against you now. Take a deep breath, and live this day by day. It is just starting Steve...begin good habits now.

I'm working out, not eating fatty foods, got a new wardrobe and got a teeth whitening kit that is producing great results. I'm trying to be the best me possible for myself. I'm not letting her bring me down, although I'm still hurt to see her self-destructive behavior because I still care about her.

I'm trying my hardest to get over her, but time doesn't seem to be my friend right now, it is going agonizingly slow, I feel the hurt will be there forever and I don't see myself ever fully getting over this, I see celibacy in my future, lol.

I really appreciate the comments and am reading them all and taking them in.

Thank you,

Steve

I'm working out, not eating fatty foods, got a new wardrobe and got a teeth whitening kit that is producing great results. I'm trying to be the best me possible for myself. I'm not letting her bring me down, although I'm still hurt to see her self-destructive behavior because I still care about her.

 

I'm trying my hardest to get over her, but time doesn't seem to be my friend right now, it is going agonizingly slow, I feel the hurt will be there forever and I don't see myself ever fully getting over this, I see celibacy in my future, lol.

 

I really appreciate the comments and am reading them all and taking them in.

 

Thank you,

Steve

A good friend once told me; "Don't feel bad about feeling bad".

Of course you're hurt! There would be something wrong with you if you didn't feel badly. It is normal and natural to feel that way.

Celibacy? Well, I certainly understand that part of it too. Understand what you are going through isn't just emotional withdraw, it's a (somewhat? You tell me) sudden lack of affection too. Physical needs are not unimportant, but do not focus on that right now. Let your mind and soul catch up with your body. Have some faith, take care of yourself. One problem at a time.

Day by day Steve. Keep doing what you are doing and know that just because you care does not mean you should take on her problems. Stay even, find a release for your anxiety. Do this; what is the one thing you really enjoy doing? Reading? Writing? Hammering nails? Whatever, find SOMETHING to pass the time constructively. You'll have to force yourself at first, then it'll get easier...little by little. There's lots of info available on what you're going through. Have you found someone to talk with?

1st thing I think is that she was trying to get back at you for something. Plus she might have been cheating on you all this time and now its out in the open.

2nd thing that comes to mind is when was the last time you guys were intimate? I can tell you for a FACT that no sex in a marriage is not normal and can put a severe strain on the relationship.

And 3 its going to hurt. A lot! Do what you can to keep your mind off her. audio books helped me and getting back into church works wonders

I made the big mistake of acting cool when my ex dumped me and told me about a new guy, the more ok i was and i made up a girl i was seeing the more she told me, all i was left with was a horriable feeling, if i did it again i would just say goodbye.

This weekend she didn't go out she just stayed home and studied

She seems to want to talk to me more and was checking me out when I dropped our son off last night. While the hurt has subsided, the hope is still there. I want us to be a family again.

Some insight on me:

When I met her I was like 170 with a decent build, not ripped but decent, I ballooned up to 235 through the years, but I'm down to 210 now, I lost that in two weeks fasting (I did it for me, it was very empowering and got me centered) and my goal is to get to 180, I just need to work out a little more. When I get down near my target weight I'm going to start body building again to get stronger and look better. I have been focusing on me a lot because through the years I have been neglecting my appearance. I got my teeth whitened, new clothes, new shoes etc. so I'm feeling pretty good about myself. I definitely urge everyone to focus on themselves to keep their mind off the relationship, it really helps, but do it for you, because you deserve it.

thanks all,

Steve

That's WHAT I'm talking about.

But why stop there? Set short, mid-term and long term goals for your life.

Work on your mental, emotional, and financial state as well!

Where do you want to be in five years?

Who do you want to be in five years?

The sky's the limit!

You and you alone are responsible for your mental and emotional state of mind. You and you alone are responsible for your happiness, not anyone else.

People come and people go ~ no one monkey makes a show. You did just fine before you meet her, and you'll do just fine without her afterwards.

You had GF's before here, and you'll have them after her.

You quit being her supplicating doormat, and move on with your life, and you'll see a change in her attitude toward you. We teach others how to treat us.

You seriously need to be about teaching her how to treat you, and to respect you. If she doesn't? Then go and find yourself someone who will.

A man must always be willing to get to skipping down the road with any woman ~ even if he's married!