zombie_romance Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 *NOTE* I didn't realize this was so long, but if your willing to help, please read!!Ok, so maybe not all that simple, but, yeh, I messed up something that I feel could have worked out at the time, had I not been so selfish. Ok, so let me explain a little, being that your interested, because this is basically a giant venting that I felt had place here, in case anyone took the time to read and maybe had some advice. Its long, but hang in there. I've been with this girl on and off about 3 times for the last 4 years. The times we were apart were different in how long they lasted, 2 times were about 4 months, and one time was only 2 weeks. Anyways, that not being the point. The last time we got back together was the 1st of April, 2007. We were together for a little over a year before things got really bad, on my part. I began to get a wandering eye. I had been looking at other women as possibilities for some reason. I say for some reason because thats just not normal for me. I always felt as though I've always been the faithful one and with best morale, not that my girlfried wasn't a good person, but honestly, she has made way more unreliable mistakes in this relationship than I have (I always forgave her, though). But, sure enough I had my eye on some other girl and began contemplating trying my luck with her. I talked to her a little every once in a while, but never really felt like I learned anything about her. None the less, I still wanted her, but felt horrible about feeling this way while I was with someone. By about May this year, my feelings to be with someone else had grown strong, and since I was hiding this, I was stressed and started taking it out on my girlfrined. She was willing to try anything to make things work, but for some reason I was blinding myself to this. I didn't want to hear this. I stopped talking to my girlfriend for about a week, trying to decide what I wanted to do. Finally, I decided I wanted to try my luck with this other girl, and left my girlfriend, still not saying anything about wanting to be with someone else. She(my now ex) was devastated, of course, and she cried...so hard...got angry, and started threats...then went back to crying and asking how could I, also saying that when I had called, she was so happy because she had thought that we had already broken up, which was "killing" her, and had thought that that meant we were ok now, but just to find out that I wanted to break up. I felt pretty bad, told her that all I ever wanted was for her to be happy, and that we might still get together again in the future, I just needed some time to myself. I also told her to go be with friends, and if she found someone that made her happy, do not wait up on me. I told her to do what made her happiest. Thinking that I was doing the right thing and what would make me happy, even if I didn't get to date this other girl. Well, my ex and I continued to talk on an every other day or so basis. Honestly, I barely remember what all went on in that time. but, I started talking to this other girl every once in a while(not dating or inclining that I intended to yet), and was always with friends, while my ex started to get to sounding better, telling me she was hanging out with friends too and having a good time. Then one of my main friends moved away, another was always working, and another got a job, and I begin to feel lonely. My ex always invited me to hang out with her and her friends, but I wouldn't have it. Then one day, she calls me and tells me she needs me to come by her work the next day, because she needs to talk to me about something that she felt was important. Immediately, anxiety set in for some reason, and I started try to figure out what it was. I kept calling her that day wanting to know what it was now, but she wouldn't tell me. So, next day I go and talk to her, she tells me she is now with someone and wants to know if I'm ok with that and would still be her friend. I never expected her to EVER be with this guy, because we have hung out with him before, and even talked about how we thought he might be mentally challenged. Anyways, I say I'm indifferent about it and that I don't care. she says ok, but reassures me that its not serious. Again, I claim I don't care and I leave. ...I cried when I got home, thought about this other girl, and tried to open things up(yeh, I know, this was a super ass move). I play the stupid "wanna get together some time" game. She tells me she doesn't wanna hurt my feelings, but she's in love with someone else right now. I play it off like its cool and stop talking to her. The familiar feeling of being alone again hits me in the face. I text my ex to stop playing this stupid game and how shes making such dumb decisions, and tell her to stop talking to me because she's done enough. She says she wont and that she thinks she loves this other guy. 30 mins later, I text her back saying i was sorry and really needed to talk to her. She tells me come see her at work and I refuse(because i knew it would be emotional) and convince her to let me take her to work in the morning. I go pick her up, and tell her i was so sorry for hurting her and how i wanted her back(trying to be honest for once for the last couple months), but only if she wanted me. She says she thought I didn't want her at all which is why she was with someone else. I cry, she tries to make me feel better and tell me she just needs time to think. we hug for a long time, and i say ok, I'll give you that time. We talk on the phone for the next couple of days, and i say i need to talk to her again, pick her up from work, and cry again, having basically the same conversation, but longer. she makes me feel better and tells me she needs time to think. the next couple of days, I go to my cousins wedding and call her the night before, crying again, same conversation. she tells me she hates to be this way, but i wasn't giving her the space she needed to think. I say I'm sorry, and she makes me feel better again. I talk to her every night for a week(she called me), then bring it up again at the end of the week, thinking this was enough time. Again, she tells me to give her time and space, which I'm not. so i ask her if we should keep talking on a daily basis, or not talk till she comes to a conclusion, she says its my choice, and i say the first. Well, next day I think about it, and decide that this feels like I was the one broken up with, and decide to go with the no contact method. She calls me several times that evening, and only once the next evening, I don't pick up. I try to stay with friends, but hey are usually busy. I try to make other friends...I'm too awkward apparently. Tell me I didn't get what I deserved. So, I don't talk to her for a week. 4th of July comes, my friends are busy, I end up going to a concert by myself. You can guess how much fun that was. Next day, I receive a text from my ex asking if I had a happy 4th, and still going with no contact, I don't answer. The week goes on, during this whole time, I'm miserable (and apparently I've been having anxiety attacks every morning since then) and I decide if she doesn't contact me by the next week, I'll call her. I wanted this because her birthday was coming up and I didn't want to miss it. So, I call her up about a week and a half ago from today. Tell her I hadn't talked to her in a while and wanted to catch up. She agrees to go do something the next night. Everything goes great. But, shes still with this other guy. No problem, she'll be over him after seeing the new me, right? A few more "dates", we have fun. Then she wants me to come hang out with her and a couple of her friends. I do, its not as much fun (maybe because I didn't have all her attention?). I think that was that night she invited me over to her house for a bit because I was bored. I sat there, we kind of have small conversations. And then I just get up, walk over to her and hug her. We are silent for a moment, holding each other, and she asks me what I'm ok with. I'm still not 100% sure what she meant by this question, but anyways, this opens up a whole conversation. We talk for a few hours, kind of cuddling and such. She still tells me she's not ready for a serious relationship and still needs time to sort her feelings between me, this guy, and another guy that she's had feelings for before. Background story to that. In our last break-up, the OTHER guy and she were best friends, and they almost got together, until he began doing drugs and what not. Then I came back into the picture, never really saw him as a threat. And this year he got arrested for being a part in a drive by. Now, isn't that about all you need to know about him? Anyways, just before I stopped talking to her for the no contact treatment, she got a letter from him in prison saying how he's changed and how he would like another try with her when he gets out. So there you have it. So, we talk about all this, and she claims she doesn't think anything would happen with the guy in prison, because, even though she feels he has all the capabilities to be every woman's dream guy, she feels he would just hurt her again and she won't let him do that again. She says there is maybe a 1-2% chance of the relationship with the guy she is with now will become serious. And says that she thinks we could probably work out some time in the future, probably when she is done with college because she wants to focus on school when it starts and not have to worry about a relationship. I can respect that. But what I don't understand is she keeps saying how much of an idiot the guy she's with now is, and how immature he is, and she knows that I'm no where near like that. Why can't we be together until school starts, at least? Again, she says she needs time to think. Well, I panic. The next few days, I see her, things are going ok, we cuddle a little bit. Then I bring it up again and I talk about it, and get a little emotional, tell her I'm sorry for hurting her before and how it will be better now, you know, the beg and plead act. She tells me that I'm being to pushy and I'm pushing her away again. She even tells me that if I just start acting like myself again, and maybe pull away a bit, that she becomes drawn to me. Ok, what about when I wasn't calling her or answering her calls? She wasn't drawn then. I don't see her on her birthday, but she calls me in the evening and I wish her a happy birthday and tell her I have something for her. Next day I give her a card i made, she likes it, and comments on how I can still write poems very well. We get into the conversation again, she tells me the same as before. Next day, I see her before I go to work, she tells me to call her after I get off. I do, and I tell her I hate to bring it up again, but I needed to ask a few questions. I ask her how she feels about the guy in prison, she basically tells me the same as before, but I get her to explain a little more in depth about how things with him started, basically the background i gave you. I ask how she feels about the guy she's with now, same thing as usual, needs time to think. Ask her what she thinks of me, she says she's not sure because I haven't been myself at all and its making it hard to think, and also tells me that its starting to feel wrong giving advice to me on what to do as far as my affections for her goes. So I tell her I'm sorry for bugging her with it all, she says that I always tell her the same thing, maybe something different would help. So I tell her this, "you will never have to worry about being happy ever again, I mean, of course there will be the things in life that we can not control, that we have no control over. but as long as there is a choice, as long as I can choose what to do, I will make sure you never have to worry about being happy. I promise." She says she'll keep that in mind while she is thinking. So, I haven't been over to her house for a couple days. She called me yesterday, said she'd call me back later and never did. That drove me nuts, but I didn't call her. She called me today to tell me a game I was looking for was at this one store (a game thats part of a series that we both found to be our series, you know how that goes...I think?) anyways, I hear her boyfriend in the background and she says she has to go. Now, she has called me again asking if I wanted to go do something for a little while. I agreed. I still don't know what to do, though, so I'm just going with the flow. I know better than to be so desperate, but for some reason, I can't bring up the strength to be myself, I'm so rapped up in this loneliness. I want to be with her so bad before school starts and she doesn't have time for me. Not to mention before the jail bird gets out. I am so worried about that now, and she even told me I have reason to worry, though she also said she hated to say that to me... I'm at a loss for what to do now. I'm trying to give her time now, not bringing anything up. Not calling her, but I answered that call earlier. I want more than anything for this all to work, because I know it could if I just had an idea of what to do, which I am willing to do anything to make this work. But, I know she kind of needs to be in the same set of mind. If you have read to this point, Thank you SO much for taking the time to read, any advice?
justaman99 Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 Sorry but this story is a little ridiculous. You broke up with your girl to try someone else out. That didn't work and in the interim she says she's dating some guy. Now you want her back because you're lonely and failed at getting the other girl. If you had, this story wouldn't be here... Ugh. 1. She probably isn't dating this guy at all. She's probably just saying this to get you to be jealous and react. It's working, again. 2. A guy in prison is far from every woman's dream guy. WTF? 3. You have broken up multiple times and in-between have both ****ed other people. 4. The last time you broke up it "crushed you" when she said she was with someone else. Your ego was bruised, again. 5. You both need to grow up. 6. You're both either too immature to have a real relationship and/or you don't really love each other. 7. We read this story in May already once. Are we going to hear about it again in October? Sorry to be blunt but this r clearly isn't working for either of you. -Just
carhill Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 Sure, no worries... Accept that this person isn't "the one". Follow the advice you were given two years ago. It's really good advice. Ask yourself why you're wasting your young life wrapped up in all this angst. Youth is about exploration and carefree existence. Discover it
Author zombie_romance Posted July 24, 2008 Author Posted July 24, 2008 Sorry but this story is a little ridiculous. You broke up with your girl to try someone else out. That didn't work and in the interim she says she's dating some guy. Now you want her back because you're lonely and failed at getting the other girl. If you had, this story wouldn't be here... Ugh. 1. She probably isn't dating this guy at all. She's probably just saying this to get you to be jealous and react. It's working, again. 2. A guy in prison is far from every woman's dream guy. WTF? 3. You have broken up multiple times and in-between have both ****ed other people. 4. The last time you broke up it "crushed you" when she said she was with someone else. Your ego was bruised, again. 5. You both need to grow up. 6. You're both either too immature to have a real relationship and/or you don't really love each other. 7. We read this story in May already once. Are we going to hear about it again in October? Sorry to be blunt but this r clearly isn't working for either of you. -Just hey, no problem about the bluntness, its alright, I'm always open for criticism. But, what you said, I kind of already know. I just want this to work out is all. I know we are immature, we still have some growing to do as people, which is part of the reason why I think I broke up with her...but the whole situation with the other girl was kind of blocking my thinking on that I believe. but, again, thanks for your opinion.
justaman99 Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 Oh damn you're right Car. They broke up 2 years ago in May, then again in June of 07, so now it's 08 of July so we'll hear from Zombie in Aug of 09. Man last year was the same story. This thread might help you: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=1234903&postcount=2
carhill Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 And then, if he's like this f*ckup, you'll hear it again in, say, 14 years or so
Angel1111 Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 hey, no problem about the bluntness, its alright, I'm always open for criticism. But, what you said, I kind of already know. I just want this to work out is all. I know we are immature, we still have some growing to do as people, which is part of the reason why I think I broke up with her...but the whole situation with the other girl was kind of blocking my thinking on that I believe. but, again, thanks for your opinion. I do have to say that, hidden among all this drama, is something quite admirable - which is, I admire you for breaking up with your gf before you actually pursued the other girl. That was an excellent way to handle the situation because you knew it was affecting your current relationship, but you didn't want to drop the possibility of being with this other girl and explore those possibilities. The problem is, you lost the thread after that and went into panic mode. Is this really about your xgf or is it about you waking up without a warm body beside you? The thing that stands out the most to me is that you obviously have values because of the way you handled the other situation. But, again, you seem to lose the thread. Take your ethics just a step further and make the decision that whenever someone is in a relationship with another person, respect that and leave it alone. Your xgf is just such a person. It isn't relevant whether she loves him or not. All you need to know is that she's currently with someone else. And from the looks of it, you'll need to take a number and wait because she seems to have a long list of guys that she wants to take a shot at. This leaves you in the position of xbf/friend. Which means that you cease and desist all conversation with her about the 'us' topic. There is no 'us' right now. Accept it and keep quiet about it. And, whether you realize it or not, you're in the better position than all those other poor chumps because after she's done breezing through them and talking about her 'space', you'll be the shiney one who's armour hasn't been dulled in the battle, and who will still have life still left in him by the time this has all played out. So, I would suggest sitting back and watching the show. Being the ever-present, supportive friend who listens to all the woes she won't tell any of her lovers because, well, they just don't understand her quite the way you do.
Author zombie_romance Posted July 24, 2008 Author Posted July 24, 2008 Oh damn you're right Car. They broke up 2 years ago in May, then again in June of 07, so now it's 08 of July so we'll hear from Zombie in Aug of 09. Man last year was the same story. This thread might help you: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=1234903&postcount=2 heheh, yeh guys, I'm not gonna lie, this has all been pretty ridiculous. This girl and I have been through alot. I know that she may not be "the one" nor may there be a "one", as far as fate goes. But the way I see it, its my choice whether she is "the one" to me, right? Even after all the things we've been through (which to some people out there, it may not seem like much) I'm willing to stick through this because I know that this could work out...but only if she is willing to try as hard as before again. We will see. I feel like I can try now. It's just been hard to forgive myself, you know?
Author zombie_romance Posted July 24, 2008 Author Posted July 24, 2008 I do have to say that, hidden among all this drama, is something quite admirable - which is, I admire you for breaking up with your gf before you actually pursued the other girl. That was an excellent way to handle the situation because you knew it was affecting your current relationship, but you didn't want to drop the possibility of being with this other girl and explore those possibilities. The problem is, you lost the thread after that and went into panic mode. Is this really about your xgf or is it about you waking up without a warm body beside you? The thing that stands out the most to me is that you obviously have values because of the way you handled the other situation. But, again, you seem to lose the thread. Take your ethics just a step further and make the decision that whenever someone is in a relationship with another person, respect that and leave it alone. Your xgf is just such a person. It isn't relevant whether she loves him or not. All you need to know is that she's currently with someone else. And from the looks of it, you'll need to take a number and wait because she seems to have a long list of guys that she wants to take a shot at. This leaves you in the position of xbf/friend. Which means that you cease and desist all conversation with her about the 'us' topic. There is no 'us' right now. Accept it and keep quiet about it. And, whether you realize it or not, you're in the better position than all those other poor chumps because after she's done breezing through them and talking about her 'space', you'll be the shiney one who's armour hasn't been dulled in the battle, and who will still have life still left in him by the time this has all played out. So, I would suggest sitting back and watching the show. Being the ever-present, supportive friend who listens to all the woes she won't tell any of her lovers because, well, they just don't understand her quite the way you do. Yeh, I really did kind of loose my edge pretty easily, I'll admit. I just didn't really understand why I did that at the time. There didn't seem to be anything wrong in the relationship, other than me being a big jerk to her and being a pig. Too much testosterone? I don't know, but I like your advice alot. It kind of reinforces the only thing I could think of to do at this point. I just don't know how to handle when she asks me to come over and all that. Its really hard not to touch and talk how we used to, which is understandable, right? But, I'm handling as well as I can. Talking to someone is really helping, though. Its just kind of embarrassing talking about my weaknesses. hahah.
Author zombie_romance Posted July 24, 2008 Author Posted July 24, 2008 Here's my other problem. I'm not 100% sure on what to do as far as getting back together with her goes. I read several articles and such online about "getting your ex back" and "I want her back" and all that. Half of them say to go with no contact, cause her to be curious about "whats up with you", "why are you doing so well", all that. Others say "be her friend", "be there for her", "let her know how you feel", "be patient". Not to mention, most of them include "she broke up with you", what about if I broke up with her? how does that work? whats the best thing I can do, in my situation, for getting back with her as soon as possible? Others usually say move on, get with someone else. But, you know what? If I do that, then I didn't learn anything or change anything. I think most people give up too easily and move on because they aren't willing to change. Change is one of the very few sure things in the world, why shouldn't I embrace it for something I want? I just don't wanna give up on something I've been working so hard on for so long (wish I could have seen that before I broke it off with her). So, anyways, back to the point, whats the best "method" to go about in my situation to get back together?
Author zombie_romance Posted July 25, 2008 Author Posted July 25, 2008 should I just act like everything is cool and try to gain her interest? Or just be honest and patient? ( wow, that sounds dumb, but I guess all's fair in love and war, right?)
justaman99 Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 Well I respect going after what you consider is the one for you. I just don't understand the constant back and forth. You guys need to work through this so you stop repeating it! It's either something you can work on or you are just too different and it just won't work. I really think it's more youth and inexperience. I thought I met the one when I was like 22 but that wasn't true at all. I was just young and didn't know what love was and sure as hell didn't think about the long term. Everyone's different though. I think being patient is the best thing one can do after a break up. You can't force anything to happen and you need to live your life. She has to want to do it on her own. Best of luck, -Just
Author zombie_romance Posted July 25, 2008 Author Posted July 25, 2008 Well I respect going after what you consider is the one for you. I just don't understand the constant back and forth. You guys need to work through this so you stop repeating it! It's either something you can work on or you are just too different and it just won't work. I really think it's more youth and inexperience. I thought I met the one when I was like 22 but that wasn't true at all. I was just young and didn't know what love was and sure as hell didn't think about the long term. Everyone's different though. I think being patient is the best thing one can do after a break up. You can't force anything to happen and you need to live your life. She has to want to do it on her own. Best of luck, -Just You very well be right about it just being youth and what not. And of course you are right about everyone is different. I don't know, man, I'm just working for what I believe in, which I believe that I love her unconditionally, I just messed up is all. I'm trying to forgive myself for that. And I really do wish this would stop going back and forth, and plan to talk to her about that when she is ready. Your the second real person thats told me patience is the way to go, and not just some article some one generalized for several people. So I figure thats the best way to go about it then. but, then do I just stop talking to her? Or be a friend? And by the way, I really appreciate the advice, Just, I really do.
justaman99 Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 yeah trust people who say be patient. I have lost my self respect by doing the typical. crying, begging, pleading and saying all that crap that i've changed and what not. This in all honesty and as cliche as it sounds only pushes them away and I am glad they DIDN'T respond to me when I did that. It allowed me to be by myself and really think not about the relationship but about myself. You can't make someone want you back and you can't expect them to either. It's a balance of respect for them and yourself regardless of the reason you broke up. Move on with your life, let them do the same and if you guys find your way back to each other take it slow and don't push it and most of all be sure. If you are sure don't **** it up a 4th time. Talk about why things went the way they did and be open about it. The best relationships start with honesty and trust and it's a good opportunity to start off again on the right foot. Relationships rarely weather 1 break up let alone 4. -Just
Author zombie_romance Posted July 25, 2008 Author Posted July 25, 2008 Ok, now hold up for a minute. The other day while I was hanging out with her, she made comments on how I seemed to be doing better, and when I started texting my friend, immediately she asked whom was I texting so much, with that little jealous tone to her voice (heard it before). Then when she found out it was a girl, she made a comment to make fun of her. Then asked me what I was going to do when I left her house, and I said going to this other friends house (also a girl) to talk to her about her home life issues. Then she began giving me advice on why I should stop talking to this other girl. Could this be good? Or am I just reading too much into it?
Ssheena Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 You are reading too much into it. It seems you two have been playing on this merry-go-round for years. You love her unconditionally "now"..but when someone comes along, then what? Do what you want but I'd say just be single for awhile. What the relationship is is comfortable. I challenge you to be uncomfortable. Don't just go back because it's what you know. Better to be able to be by yourself and enjoy everything either alone or with your buds.
Author zombie_romance Posted July 25, 2008 Author Posted July 25, 2008 You are reading too much into it. It seems you two have been playing on this merry-go-round for years. You love her unconditionally "now"..but when someone comes along, then what? Do what you want but I'd say just be single for awhile. What the relationship is is comfortable. I challenge you to be uncomfortable. Don't just go back because it's what you know. Better to be able to be by yourself and enjoy everything either alone or with your buds. If someone else comes along, I'm sure she'll always be there in my mind and heart, you don't just forget someone like that just because someone potentially "better" comes along, right? I believe I'll still love her, no matter what. I can respect that statement. I've thought about it before. Shouldn't I be able to be comfortable being alone? I was alone for my whole life up to the point I met her, and was comfortable then...I think? So why can't I be now. And, as far as I've seen and from what she has told me, that is one big part of getting back together, I guess. Not needing her to be happy, or anyone for that matter. Just being ok with myself and quit trying... ...but that is sooo much easier said than done...I hate having to go through this crap, but I guess it's necessary for change, right? But, Like I said before, its helping a lot to talk to people on here about it. I will probably keep going for days, ugh...
Angel1111 Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 should I just act like everything is cool and try to gain her interest? Or just be honest and patient? ( wow, that sounds dumb, but I guess all's fair in love and war, right?) Read the book 'Love Tactics' or go to their website - lots of useful information there. And, I agree, if you want to get someone back, don't let anyone talk you out of it.
VenusInFurs Posted July 26, 2008 Posted July 26, 2008 Hm, seems to me that you should accept being single. It really sounds like you only want to be with her because you don't think you can handle being alone. You can! It's not that bad once you get used to it you know. You're free to be your own person. Of course, it takes time to be truly happy when you're single, but when you finally are, usually someone pops into your life out of the blue and what do you know you're in another relationship! What I just wrote reminds me of this video. You should watch it, very funny and true: Also, you sound young (late teens, early twenties?) maybe some time out from relationships is what you need to figure out who you are and what you want out of life? (Or is that painfully cliche? ) Oh, and I'm only advocating singledom given the record of makeup breakups with this girl. And that both of you have had/are having trouble figuring out who you want to be with. But ultimately, do whatever feels right. And P.S. Johnny the Homicidal Maniac ****ing rocks!
Recommended Posts