I'm so miserable...

I can't get into the details of what happened because I will get beaten to a bloody pulp by you guys if I do, but let's just say I did something destructive, the outcome was bad, and now I feel completely worthless. It probably wouldn't a bother a rational, sane person, but I know it will take MONTHS for me to get over this because it has taken that long in the past.

I'm scared, guys. My self esteem is in tatters. I felt so miserable that I skipped my class last night, gorged myself on VD candy today and yesterday, called in sick for work (which may mean I never get another job with this temp agency), and didn't take my antidepressants today because it felt more "real" to wallow in misery.

I am a mess.

My poor boyfriend has born the brunt of it. I'm torturing him with my emotional ups and downs. He's such a sweetheart it kills me, and he doesn't deserve it. I don't know why he even puts up with me. He is so, so sweet.

Again yesterday I almost broke up with him because I felt like it was the right thing to do, mostly for his sake, and again I caved (this isn't the thing I did I was alluding to earlier). My feelings for him are all over the place. One minute I want to marry him, the next I want to break up. What's wrong with me? The strange thing is I experience all those emotions simultaneously -- extreme love, while wanting something more and fearing like I've settled.

I'll peer longingly at him as we lie side by side in bed, aching to fuse my soul with his, and at the same time taking it for granted that I would break up with him in a heartbeat if the kind of guy I really wanted came along. Why am I so emotional fked up? Seriously, I have no idea what I want. I'm scared to death of letting him go and being alone, because I really do love him on some level.

Since I've met him my life has improved a lot (believe it or not), and I've been trying harder. I'm scared that if I break things off with him I'll lose my traction and fall into the void. I might actually be endangering myself and my future by breaking up with him. I'm pretty self destructive and things like this have been known to push me off the deep end.

I also believe deep down that I'll never find a guy I'm completely in love with who reciprocates so I should just settle for something almost as good (what I have with him).

What do you guys think?

I've been stringing him along for weeks now in a constant state of ambivalence.

Forgot to mention -- it seems that he may not have planned to give me anything at all for our joint V-Day/6-month-Anniversary. This is like Christmas Part Deux, because I'll never know for sure. We had some sort of misunderstanding. He thought we had plans for tonight, not yesterday, so he claims that is why he was empty-handed yesterday. But he was also foggy on whether or not he planned to give me anything when we did meet.

My gut is he wouldn't have given me anything, nor treated me to dinner. He probably would have kissed me, wished me a happy holiday and left it at that. I wouldn't have a problem with it if it also weren't our anniversary AND he hadn't made such a big deal of the two events in advance, getting my hopes ups.

:(Right before he dropped me off tonight, he finally picked up a bouquet of roses for me at Trader Joe's while I waited in the car. But that was only after I made a minor stink about his empty-handedness (yes, I managed to get him something). It felt like a let-down.

Ordinarily it would have upset me, but I was kind of like "eh" in light of the more troubling recent events.

What happened, Shadow? You know we need details, otherwise your thread is just a diary entry.

I am sorry you are feeling so rotten, sounds like a bad couple of days. Not taking your meds can't be helping things, though it really is admirable to want to be "real" and feel things straight up. Star is right though, some more details about what it is that you did that has you so emotionally tattered right now would help us to help?

Why do you fear being alone so much? I'm not saying I think you should break up. I just wonder why you describe that as a fear. It seems to me if you could tackle that fear, a lot of your other issues might fall into place.

I agree that the fear is something you should tackle.

I also agree that it's hard to offer solid advice when it's unclear what's going on.

All I can say is, though, that if you feel like you're settling for your BF, even if you don't know what exactly it is you are looking for, it's probably best that you end it. For both of you. I know it's possible to care about someone and still feel like you've settled, but I don't think it's possible to be completely happy that way.

Sorry for the vagueness of the post. I may get into more detail once the situation fully plays itself out. I'm feeling a bit better today after taking my meds. I might do something I haven't in a long time: paint.

Sorry for the vagueness of the post. I may get into more detail once the situation fully plays itself out. I'm feeling a bit better today after taking my meds. I might do something I haven't in a long time: paint.

Aside from personal therapy have you though of seeking relationship therapy for the both of you. If this relationship is what you want, i think you are both going to need 'professional' outside sources of reasoning and advice to help it function.

I do not think you are being very fair to him in the sense of being an emotional yo-yo and using such small insignificant things as what he did on Valentines to create more and more tension.

WOW.. poor you... I think I know how you feel...

It seems to me that you are in deep depression... and please take your meds on a regular basis.. don't skip one day. it's important.

I felt tortured like that for 6 years... I finally got out of this hell..and now I am happier than I've never been... I was like you, scared to be alone... and see today, I wouldn't trade my lifestyle for anything in the world..

There is hope.. no matter what happened.. nothing that can't be fixed.. it will eventually get better.. trust me, it always does.

Don't feel you have to give details if you're not ready... I'm sure it can't be that bad... (I'm sure I've done much much worst .. )

I also never divulged my true colours on here, I would too get bashed to death..

Don't worry... everything get solved.

For your bf.. if you feel good with him then stay with him.. he probably loves you a lot to put up with your depression... It's not your fault.. depression is evil...

But you will get better... sometimes it takes a little more time.. but you'lll come out of it stronger... trust me on that one... btdt.

Take care of yourself...

I can totally relate, well as far as your post goes, yet it still is a bit vague. I'm in a similar situation as you. Been dating my gf for close to a year now, and I'm starting to think she's the one.

However as of late I've been having second thoughts, thinking about what I'm missing. She's basically my first real true love and she took my virginity. I assume this may have something to do with my problem. I've been thinking what it would be like being with another woman. It's hard for me to imagine that I would get married without ever being with more than one girl (as shallow as that sounds). I've made fun of friends for marrying so early in life because of what they are missing out on.

Some of you may have seen my other posts, but lately she's neglected me sexually, so I find myself daydreaming and thinking about other women. One minute I want to be with her, the other I want to get away as far as possible. I've been looking at her more closely, as far as physical appearance and find myself gazing at her for several minutes and finding things I like, and other times zoning on things that I find unattractive, even though small, still irk me.

I use to have bad depression and just hope like you Shadow that it's not having a role in my sudden mood and thoughts. I'm in a bit of a low point in my life and think that may have some effect on it as well.

I'm not sure what advice I can give you, but to try to wipe the negativity and concern from your mind and just live each day like it is new. Obviously he loves you to the extent that you love him, which is always a great feeling. To be honest however you still have some time to get to know him, I mean you've only dated for about 6 months, which in my mind is still too early to start questioning "life together".

Thanks for the support, guys. The whole self destructive thing I did was related to his friend, but I don't feel comfortable getting into the details just yet.

I am so, so tempted to sleep with the guy. The opportunity has basically fallen into my lap. It would be remarkably easy, and the scary thing is I don't think I can stop myself. My impulse control is very poor.

I keep changing my mind. Whenever I turn the guy down I start wanting him again (wondering "what if?"), and when I reopen the door a crack I feel guilty and promptly close it.

This guy has begun to symbolize in my mind all the elusive, dark men I pined for but could never touch. My boyfriend is the opposite of him in many ways. He's lighthearted, down-to-earth and practical, while this guy is brooding and intense.

Somebody please talk me out of this. I basically need a good slap upside the head. I need to hear a voice of reason.

Forgot to mention -- it seems that he may not have planned to give me anything at all for our joint V-Day/6-month-Anniversary. This is like Christmas Part Deux, because I'll never know for sure. We had some sort of misunderstanding. He thought we had plans for tonight, not yesterday, so he claims that is why he was empty-handed yesterday. But he was also foggy on whether or not he planned to give me anything when we did meet.

 

My gut is he wouldn't have given me anything, nor treated me to dinner. He probably would have kissed me, wished me a happy holiday and left it at that. I wouldn't have a problem with it if it also weren't our anniversary AND he hadn't made such a big deal of the two events in advance, getting my hopes ups.

 

:(Right before he dropped me off tonight, he finally picked up a bouquet of roses for me at Trader Joe's while I waited in the car. But that was only after I made a minor stink about his empty-handedness (yes, I managed to get him something). It felt like a let-down.

 

Ordinarily it would have upset me, but I was kind of like "eh" in light of the more troubling recent events.

Shadowplay, my bf did almost the same thing to me (see my new thread). But even worst, my bf didn't even get me flowers. It's been 1.5 hours since we parted and I haven't even heard from him. I feel so hurt right now and I have this gut feeling like we just 'broke up' or something and he in fact really doesn't think I"m even worth making up to for with flowers or anything. And I just spent like $85 on him with my v day gift.

What do you mean the "opportunity has arisen". I take that to mean that your BFs best friend has given you signals that he would be up for it, which is WRONG WRONG WRONG. What a great friend (not).

Do you think you are entertaining this idea because if it happens, your BF will eventually find out, and dump you, therefore confirming your low opinion of yourself, and giving you a way to get out of dumping him first?

What do you mean the "opportunity has arisen". I take that to mean that your BFs best friend has given you signals that he would be up for it, which is WRONG WRONG WRONG. What a great friend (not).

 

Do you think you are entertaining this idea because if it happens, your BF will eventually find out, and dump you, therefore confirming your low opinion of yourself, and giving you a way to get out of dumping him first?

Well, a few weeks ago his friend emailed me and proposed a time for us to "hang out." I turned him down. He basically said to my bf that he knows it's wrong but he thinks I'm "very attractive" and he's lacking in sex right now so he's eager for that reason.

I don't think he's a bad person, believe it or not, but he's very impulsive and makes poor decisions (like me). He abuses alcohol and drugs, and cuts himself. What is wrong with me that I'm attracted to guys like that? I want to be the one to save them, I think. (To be fair he's also extremely smart and cultured, and I have more natural chemistry with him than my bf.) My bf is a much better, healthier person yet he doesn't stir the same passion in me.

Another opportunity has arisen since. The three of us all hung out last week (awkward as that sounds), and my attraction to the guy grew even stronger.

I think I may be trying to sabotage the relationship on some level, but it's more than that. Something about this guy has really hooked me in.

My advice: stay away from this guy...

I would never ever ever think of betraying my best friend.. I cherish my friendship way too much.

If someone betrays their friends.. he would be a 'loser' in my head.. huge turn-off.

When I was on vacation this year, I had a fling.. with a sweet guy. His friend went with my friend.. but he also wanted me.. in the following days he asked me many times to go with him the next time..

They're not 'best friends' but just what he did turned me off sooo much.. I find it kind of disgusting actually...

So my only advice : stay away from him if you can't control your attraction.. this guy is into drugs and alcohol.. do you want someone with addictions... I hope not..

This is how people learn. No advice is ever as effective as the lessons of painful experience.

Shadowplay understands what everyone is saying, and she posted specifically to hear it all. She would have been surprised by anyone who said "sounds like a great idea!" And she probably would think anyone saying such a thing was crazy.

But that's all rationalization. Compared to the vague hope for something magical and the sometimes self-destructive urges and the desire for excitement, that is all pretty empty. Similar to the way normal life experiences seem dull and empty to a recovering addict.

The only thing I have to offer is a prediction that if you follow through with this, Shadowplay, all the unintended consequences you're choosing to ignore will become real. Hindsight is what you'll pay the most attention to, and hopefully you won't forget the sting of hard lessons learned. No one here has anything to say that you don't already know.

In the end, if you follow through, this will either be something that builds some character in you or erodes what you already have. I hope for the former.

Well, a few weeks ago his friend emailed me and proposed a time for us to "hang out." I turned him down. He basically said to my bf that he knows it's wrong but he thinks I'm "very attractive"

I figured this had to do with the friend.

The friend said to "hang out" and hasn't made any proposal again, so you are craving more than ever for another door. Just anything. And obsessing.

To the point that you might be the one starting to contact him and making the moves.

If that guy ever makes a move on you again I'd say it'd be hard to resist.

Shadowplay,

You seem like a nice person, but you are clearly a confused and self-destructive young woman. You don't really know who you are, let alone know what you want. Honestly, I wish that you had the strength to walk away from both of these men and work on getting yourself together. Until you do, your relationships will continue to be tormented this way. You are in conflict with yourself, and your relationships reflect that.

I especially feel sorry for your boyfriend. This is not love, but a co-dependent and destructive relationship. I can't see this having anything but a bad ending, whether you sleep with the friend or not.

Maybe if you sleep with his friend he will finally come to his senses and realize what kind of person he's involved with and finally have the strength to walk away from you. On some level, maybe that's what you want.

But make no mistake about it, should you sleep with the friend and start a relationship with him, that one will be doomed also.

Shadow,

Johans post was great. None of us can tell you what to do, and you know well enough that to sleep with your BFs best friend is not a very good thing to do, and the repercussions could be potentially quite ugly. Ariadne also made a good point- are you creating this situation and turning it into something that it isn't?

It has nothing to do with whether the friend is a bad person or not (although I find it very wierd that he is so openly hinting at wanting to sleep with you to your BF-maybe your BF thinks its a joke?)

I just worry that your state of mind is so fragile already, that the trade off for indulging in such excitement will be intense guilt and self hatred, and I am not sure you could handle that?

I agree indulging in sex with this friend will just have a ripple effect not only with your boyfriend, his friend and likely just put you over the emotional edge when all this comes crashing down.

You and Spookie are very much alike. You doing this would be parallel to her binging on cocaine and self destructiveness to try to temporarily fill an emotional void during unhealthy relationships. I seen you express regret to see her like that, now all you need to do is accept the same advice from yourself.

Shadow, what is going in your life outside your BF?

I don't mean specifics.

It is just that this all sounds like a substitute to fill a huge gaping emotional void that could probably be treated better by focusing on anything BUT men to get to the source.

How are you feeling about your future?

Is there anything you could be doing you aren't?

Are there some things you are avoiding doing?

He is so sweet. He really deserves better than me. He told me that he was writing a song about me, about the expression I make when we wake up together in bed and I cover everything but my eyes beneath the covers. I can't believe he would do something so sweet. Last night after we watched that corny chick flick The Notebook he said again that he wants to marry me and that he feels undeserving of my love. I feel really bad.

He is so sweet. He really deserves better than me. He told me that he was writing a song about me, about the expression I make when we wake up together in bed and I cover everything but my eyes beneath the covers. I can't believe he would do something so sweet. Last night after we watched that corny chick flick The Notebook he said again that he wants to marry me and that he feels undeserving of my love. I feel really bad.

That's bs!

That guy just doesn't want you to go to bed with his friend.

That's all.

I don't believe one romantic thing coming from that guy.

Sht, the friend just emailed me and asked me out on a date for Friday night. He said we could meet up in the city and go out for dinner and see some live music.

I am so, so tempted guys. It's sick.

I mean it wouldn't technically be cheating because my boyfriend okayed the whole thing when I originally brought it up a month ago. I've told him he can sleep with other girls if he wants to. Does that make it okay? I know the answer, but I just need to hear it.

My head and heart are at war.

Sht, the friend just emailed me and asked me out on a date for Friday night. He said we could meet up in the city and go out for dinner and see some live music.

 

I am so, so tempted guys. It's sick.

 

I mean it wouldn't technically be cheating because my boyfriend okayed the whole thing when I originally brought it up a month ago. I've told him he can sleep with other girls if he wants to. Does that make it okay? I know the answer, but I just need to hear it.

 

My head and heart are at war.

With the things your boyfriend has said to you (from what you've quoted) i cannot believe he okay such a thing!? I think if this goes down it'll not only crack this relationship wide open but validate to your boyfriend what you think of him, that and drive a wedge between him and his friend for good. Regardless of how he's downplaying it all.