Is it too late?

Hi guys,

I'm new here so here's my story. i was with this girl for 8 years. I always pushed her away about marriage etc...I moved a couple of hundred miles away but we stayed together. She was always head over heels about me but 6 months ago she broke it off. She said she was tired of waiting. I did take her for granted. I said that I was ready for marriage but she said that it was too late. Then she said she'd think about it as it was a big decision.

We have spent the last six months in semi contact. However, we have fought all the time as I have been pushing for a decision but she said that it was too much pressure and she didn't know what she wanted. She was all over the place. We had been in contact every week up until a few weeks ago. We had an argument on the phone and I asked her if she wanted us to part ways and see other people if we wanted too. She said yes as she still doesn't know what she wants and its not fair on me.

I have done the whole flower delivery, chocolates, surprise gifts thing to death now. This is my story in short. I'm not sure if this is allowed but my full story is on this link below if anyone can be bothered reading it!

http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-regret-letting-her-go-but-it-might.html

So here's the thing, there has been no contact for three weeks now. I told her that I thought she would know if I was the one for her and left it there. The thing is, all of my family and friends say that six months is long enough to decide. That I should just accept it and move on. That its over.

As its Valentines Day and I'm sat here on my own it seems like a good time to seek some more advice. Is it time to let go completely? Anyone see any hope here or should I just leave it be? I never sent anything for Valentines given our last conversation. Any opinions gratefully received...

Regards,

JB.

P.S. Edited just to say that maybe I wasn't clear but this has been driving me mad for months. A real emotional rollercoaster, therefore, It would be fantastic if anyone could read the dear cupid thread above and give me their take on things. Thanks again.

Well, Joe, I read both your posts and I think your relationship is over. Sorry, but after 8 years of no commitment from you she does have the right to change her life and find someone who will give her what she wants.

You offered commitment when it was too late. You don't fight for something after it's gone and you want it back. You fight for something to keep it alive from the beginning.

Sorry if it sounds harsh, but there is one of life's lessons here.

Thanks Trip,

I appreciate you taking the time to read and respond no matter how harsh. It probably seems like I'm a bit of an ass from these posts but I'm not really. I just wasn't sure about the whole committment thing and needed a wake up call. Probably too late as you say. It just seems strange that she still agreed to see me after the break up. We've been for dinner, cinema etc.. She has even driven 80 miles to meet me on a couple of occasions for coffee. Thats about half way between us at the minute. We exchanged christmas presents etc even though we had been split up since August. Incidentally, I did tell her that I'd move back home to be with her in a heartbeat. I guess the only way now is to leave her be. If she does come back then great but if not, then I'll have to accept that it wouldn't be right anyway if she didn't want to be with me.

It just seems strange to me that she would do all of these things if she was really sure that it was over. Maybe I just don't want to accept it. Anyway, thanks again for your reply, I just want a few opinions from people who are not emotionally involved in any way...

It just seems strange to me that she would do all of these things if she was really sure that it was over. Maybe I just don't want to accept it. Anyway, thanks again for your reply, I just want a few opinions from people who are not emotionally involved in any way...

Time will tell, Joe, and maybe you can recoup what you have lost.

As far as doing things and exchanging gifts.. well, she still likes you as a person, a man, and a human being. If this is truly the end of the R, better this than being angry and vindictive. She does sound well balanced, compassionate and genuinely caring in acting this way.

If a woman hangs in there for 8 years waiting for her guy, and then finally says I can't wait anymore, she's finally ended it in her own mind, and I think it is very unlikely she will ever come back.

Sorry - hopefully you won't take the next for granted.

Oops meant to say - she likely agreed to meet with you to see if she could get that feeling back. She probably discovered that she can't

Thanks guys,

I know what you say makes sense. It seems to me

that she wants to get it back but cant force herself to change her feelings. I know that I need to move on but even after 6 months, its hard. I do want us to be together but it looks like it wont happen. Thanks for the advice. Any advice on how to heal the pain would be gratefully received...

Regards,

Joe.

Of course it's hard, Joe. You have a long history together and it will take time for the pain to heal.

It's been said that you need to go through all the seasons before true healing begins... There is no shame in feeling loss, grief, anger or mourning the loss of the relationship.

In the mean time you need to do some work on yourself. Keep yourself busy, take up a new hobby or activity... but most of all you need to do some thinking and work on your emotional/spiritual side. A good place to start is reading "Passages" by Gail Sheehy. One of my favourite quotes from her follows:

"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter into another!"

It's very difficult to want more from your partner and hoping and wishing it comes to fruition-and it doesn't. She most probably loves you but isn't trusting that you can give her what she wants and needs (ie-a committment). And the last 8 years of pushing her away has made her feel rejected.

I think this is a matter of her letting her head rule her heart as opposed to the reverse for the last 8 years.

I've been in her shoes and just trying to give you some insight into what she is going through.

Have you done anything tangible that will make her believe that you are serious about being committed to her? (i didn't read the other thread so sorry if you've already answered this)

I currently live 1.5 hours away from her. I've said that I'd move back home this summer and that I want us to be married etc.. Whenever its right for her. Is this the type of thing you mean? She feels a bit pressured by this now and says that she needs to get her head straight. She still maintains that she's not interested in meeting other men but also that she does not expect me to wait around as it wouldn't be fair on me.

That said, things took another twist today. I was back home to see some friends last night and today I went for a walk downtown to clear my head. Lo and behold I bumped into her and her mum. We chatted and decided to go for coffee tonight. I made it clear that it was ok if she didn't want to but she did. We had a nice stress free evening without any heavy discussions. When we've met before parting has been a little awkward although not tonight. I just said goodnight and that I would respect her space. That if she wants to get in touch then ok but if she doesn't thats ok too. She seemed happy enough with that. What this means? I've no idea but I'll try not to read too much into it...

Doesn't seem like much, seems like a friendly jesture.

Do keep in touch with her as you two seem young; who know what the future holds.

It's very difficult to want more from your partner and hoping and wishing it comes to fruition-and it doesn't. She most probably loves you but isn't trusting that you can give her what she wants and needs (ie-a committment). And the last 8 years of pushing her away has made her feel rejected.

 

I think this is a matter of her letting her head rule her heart as opposed to the reverse for the last 8 years.

 

I've been in her shoes and just trying to give you some insight into what she is going through.

 

Have you done anything tangible that will make her believe that you are serious about being committed to her? (i didn't read the other thread so sorry if you've already answered this)

Hey climbergirl,

Could you give me your thoughts on this situation please? As you seem to have been in the same boat before. I would be grateful for any opinion you may have. When I met her on Saturday she just said that its not right for her 'just now' with the way she is feeling. I definitely do not think that she is the type to mess me around. Especially when we were together for so long. I just get this feeling that she is still thinking about it...

If anyone wants to chip in with any views on this then feel free, no matter how harsh it may be.

Thanks,

JB.

I feel we´re in the same boat...

My relationship was 9 years long, and it also ended like yours.

I think I took her for granted, and maybe even "pushed" her away unconciously with my actions.

I did live with her unlike you (7 years).

We also ended on good terms and did try the friends thing......it killed me.

I dont think my ex will come back, just like i think yours wont either.

They thought it out long and hard, made the decision, and no matter how hard it may hurt them later someday, or even if they regret it.....they will stick it out and look for someone else.

Its sad, yes it is really sad.... its life...

Since I ended on good terms, I really would like to be close friends in the future, but i know i have to stay away for a very long time in order to heal, otherwise it wont be possible.....

I dont know if youre looking for the same.

Now as for the relationship, i think you should do what i am slowly begining to do and accept your loss, and try and move on slowly.

The pain......the paiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnn.....but the growing will be so good, we will be stronger, and hopefully these losses will make us better people, not resentful and angry and vindictive....

We will be happy someday, and we definately want or exes to be happy also.....everbody deserves it....

Hey A&G,

I'm really sorry for your loss and I wanted to thank you for your resonse. The reason that I haven't replied until know is that I am not totally accepting of what has happened. I just realised that I want to type all of the normal things like 'Yea you're right, I just need to move on.' Even though thats not actually what I believe. Sometimes I really think that I'm doing this (accepting) and other times I'm not. I didn't want to reply to this because I don't really want to accept it yet. Maybe I'm not ready. At times I feel I'll never be ready. Other times I think...Well, we've not been together (officially) for 6 months so I've kind of had to get used to her not being around.

She says that the reason we had to completely break off is that I pressured her for a decision all the time after we split up. Its only in the last month that I have backed off and given her the space that she asked for. Maybe too late, who knows? She knows that I'm in town this weekend and that she can contact me if she wants us to meet up. One thing the last three weeks has taught me is that I'll survive even if it is all over. I may not be happy for a while but I will survive..

No doubt I'll be posting in a few days about how she never contacted me. Don't know why I feel the need to be on here rambling again, I'm sure people will be sick reading about it. Its just one of those days...

Thanks again for the replies.

Hey climbergirl,

 

Could you give me your thoughts on this situation please? As you seem to have been in the same boat before. I would be grateful for any opinion you may have. When I met her on Saturday she just said that its not right for her 'just now' with the way she is feeling. I definitely do not think that she is the type to mess me around. Especially when we were together for so long. I just get this feeling that she is still thinking about it...

 

If anyone wants to chip in with any views on this then feel free, no matter how harsh it may be.

 

Thanks,

 

JB.

I apologize, JB, I didn't see this until now.

I have been in the same boat as your GF, and my guess is that she may love you and has been hoping for so long that something permanent will come from your relationship...but has given up hope or is no longer trusting that it will.

Saying that she can't right now, to me, is saying that she is still struggling with the heart vs head thing. She's probably thinking that you wanting her now is only because you don't want to lose her to someone else. Or you're lonely. Or never thought it would end. Something along those lines, but nothing as an epiphany on your part-nothing tangible that says things will change if you get back together. You can only have your heart broken so many times before you decide you can't handle that pain anymore.

My thoughts....everyone has a breaking point-and she might be close to hers, but she still seems to be straddling the fence with you. You know, she wants to believe you if she loves you.

Strike now and do what you can to convince her before it's too late. But, think long and hard if this is what you really want or it will come across as BS.

Best to you and please keep us updated!

CG

Thanks Climbergirl. No need to apologise. It was kind of you to reply.

I spoke to her yesterday and I received the same response. I've told her that I want us to give it another shot, that I'm ready for commitment, would move back home and we could get a place together. Needless to say, I've also told her that I love her and i would like us to be married. That I've been a fool to not welcome these things in the past. I've also said that we can take things at her pace, as fast or as slow as she likes. Its not been pleading/begging or anything like that. I've just told her that these are still my feelings now that the dust has settled, so to speak.

Her take seems to be that she's waited so long for these things that she thinks it has changed her. That she's not sure if its for her anymore. I left her by saying that she knows how I feel and that she should get in touch if she wants us to meet up/reconcile. I also said that I wouldn't call her as she had needed some space to try and sort out her feelings. I've not been hassling her about it recently anyway.

Is this the best way to handle things? Is there anything else that I should do or say? Funny you should mention the word epiphany as thats exactly what I said to her on the phone yesterday. That I've had one that is.

As usual, any views at all are welcome.

Thanks again,

JB.

Thanks Climbergirl. No need to apologise. It was kind of you to reply.

 

I spoke to her yesterday and I received the same response. I've told her that I want us to give it another shot, that I'm ready for commitment, would move back home and we could get a place together. Needless to say, I've also told her that I love her and i would like us to be married. That I've been a fool to not welcome these things in the past. I've also said that we can take things at her pace, as fast or as slow as she likes. Its not been pleading/begging or anything like that. I've just told her that these are still my feelings now that the dust has settled, so to speak.

 

Her take seems to be that she's waited so long for these things that she thinks it has changed her. That she's not sure if its for her anymore. I left her by saying that she knows how I feel and that she should get in touch if she wants us to meet up/reconcile. I also said that I wouldn't call her as she had needed some space to try and sort out her feelings. I've not been hassling her about it recently anyway.

 

Is this the best way to handle things? Is there anything else that I should do or say? Funny you should mention the word epiphany as thats exactly what I said to her on the phone yesterday. That I've had one that is.

 

As usual, any views at all are welcome.

 

Thanks again,

 

JB.

JB, I think that you offering her all these promises may seem too much for her to take in at this time. She waited 6 yrs for you to fully commit, and now that she's fighting her own inner struggle to let go and move on, you're basically bombarding her with all these promises of which she's not sure she still wants. Right now, I think she's just trying to separate herself from you so as to not be reminded of her memories, and you should just respect her actions as is. Obviously you've said it's been six months, much too long for you to hang on to anything of the past. I think it's best that you learn to let it go and begin healing. I think it's the best for both you and her.

Ok guys,

Here's the update. I mailed to say that I would drop stuff off this weekend if that was ok as she was unavailable last weekend. Also, I stressed that there was no major rush, we could sort it whenever. That was yesterday. Then she called tonight to say that she's going away for a break for a few days this weekend (on her own) and to have a chat. lol, Now I know what you'll all be thinking about that but I believe her 100%. She has been really upset, crying all the time etc and needs a break. I'm sure it will do her good.

Here's the strange thing... I was teasing her a little about being hit on, perfectly lighthearted stuff. Then she says 'Don't you trust me? You can trust me you know.' So I was like 'What do you mean, about what?' I told her that I had always trusted her but not to worry about that as she has no obligations to me now regarding trust issues as we are not together. Then she says that she's not interested in seeing anyone and that I shouldn't worry about her seeing anyone or going out with anyone else.

For some reason, she said she always thought I would not be happy if she went away on her own when we were together. She likes the idea of doing that occasionally. That's cool with me.

Anyway, I told her to have a great time and I hope that she has a nice stress free break and left it there.

I just don't get this. Any thoughts?

JB.

I know this is drastic, but have you been showing her your commitment as opposed to telling her? I know you've sent roses and chocolates and surprise gifts, but that might not be what she wants. You've known her for 8 years, do gifts matter to her? Or do time and attention, and following through matter to her?

If you say you are willing to move, why not move closer? If you are ready to marry her, do you have a ring ready? Like I said, these are drastic moves, and are just examples of showing vs. telling. It might even be annoying. To be less risky and more practical, I would try to take her to dinner once a week and SHOW her the commitment of time and effort without reminding her what you want. Make it about what she wants. You know her best - try to shut out for a moment what you want her to say and think about what she's wanted from you in the past.