He's in Iraq and he dumped me

I know this is long, but please don't ignore it.

Hi everyone, i'm new here. I REALLY need some help with this situation, and this was my last resort. I stumbled upon this site just now, and i could use some good advice please.

My bf broke up with me a few months back when he first got into Iraq. We had been together for almost 2 years, and i was always faithful to him. I never gave him any reason to suspect me, and i did anything and everything for him to know i loved and cared for him. Whenever he was home, i gave him all of my attention...whenever he would deploy, i was always there to talk to him, and constantly sending him packages and e-mails, etc..to show how much i miss him and love him.

We knew we were so in love with each other and would like to get married one day, and have kids. He would always mention kids to me, and how he wants us to have one. We were so happy. But one day we talked seriously about it, and how our families/parents might have an issue with our relationship, since we both come from different faiths. We always knew it would be an issue, but we tended to ignore it. During this particular conversation though, we really talked about it seriously, and ended up mutually breaking up. It was horrible, and i don't even know how we pushed ourselves into doing that. We were both very upset about it, but we for some reason ended up sticking to the decision. This all took place over IM chat (He was in Iraq).

The next day we talked again, and i tried to fix the situation, telling him that we should just let nature take its course and face our problems when they appear. I told him that we should enjoy our time together as much as we can, and not dwell on the future and that we both just got scared, because we are so serious with one another. I told him that as long as we both know what we will more than likely face down the road, we are always going to be prepared for the battle, and if we want to still be together we will fight for our relationship and have it our way.

He didn't want to fix things. I tried several more times on different conversations we had on IM. Every single time i mentioned it, he STILL didn't want to fix the situation. But he told me he wanted to remain friends. I told him i found that too hard because i love him still and have deep feelings for him. It just seemed like everything was so one sided...i wanted to get back together, but he didn't...he wanted to remain friends, but i couldn't.

After a while i decided to just put my feelings aside and remain his friend...thinking that maybe later one things will fix themselves...and perhaps he's going through some sort of depression or transition since he's in Iraq again, and that he's thinking about how our relationship had reached the next level, and he can't be home. I tried to be very understanding and extremely patient.

So we talked as friends for a couple of months, and things were going great just as friends. Occassionally he would tell me he misses me, he thinks about me, he looks at my pictures all the time, he bought me a bear over there because he remembered a time we were together and he wants to give it to me. He would also tell me he cares about me a lot, and that i mean so much to him, and he's so glad things are getting better between me and him, etc etc.

Because of this i got really confused. I got the impression that he still viewed me as his gf, maybe, and wanted to fix things, but didn't want to be the one to do it. So i would say the same things back to him...how i miss him, and think of him too, etc...but he never made a move to fix things.

A while later he started telling me he's been feeling really depressed and down lately. There's a lot of things going on in his life right now back home, and over there in Iraq and they just all landed on him at once. He shared his thoughts he has which he thought were so weird and not normal, how he barely sleeps, he can't stay asleep, etc. I would just sit and type back to him and tell him he's not weird, and it's not strange...i told him it's normal for him to have thoughts like that because he's seeing so much happening over there in Iraq, and that none of us civilians back home can even imagine what people who serve see. He would always appreciate the conversations and thank me. I thought it might be PTSD, so i sent him some information on it and told him to take his time and get back to me whenever he was ready to talk. He told me he appreciated the information but was a little too uncomfy with it yet and didn't want to talk about it yet. He said he knows it's probably not what i want to hear, and he wants to say more, but he can't. But i understood that and told him it's okay.

Up until recently, i barely heard from him. He stopped coming online to use IM, and his e-mails were slim to none. I had to be the one to e-mail him to keep in contact, and he would mail back almost 4-5 days later with barely much to say.

Now being as understanding and caring as i am...it's natural for me to feel a little hurt that i'm not getting what i need. I needed closure to say it's over...he never gave it to me. I wanted a phone call to say it's over, he refused to do it saying that i just wanted him to feeling guilty, which was NOT the case at all. He also confused me soooo much about his feelings towards me, i just couldn't understand WHY he wouldn't get back together with me. We were getting along so well..BETTER than we have ever been before, but he just wouldn't make the move to get back together...yet he would always say he missed me, thinks of me, looks at my pictures, etc. I sent him an email telling him i needed some clarity on the situation, and i explained that i am giving him so much of my time, care and attention even though he doesn't ask for it. I told him that i haven't complained to him about anything, but i silently feel so upset because i just don't know what's going on between me and him. The email was a lot longer, but that was the main point.

He never emailed me back, but instead he called me a few nights later. We didn't even talk about anything to do with the break up. Bare in mind he never called me to say it was over..he told me over IM and he never called me again after that. All convos took place on IM or through email. I could tell he felt a little uneasy over the phone, probably because of my email. Neither of us brought it up, but he did tell me that he doesn't know how to react to things i say or do anymore because he's worried that i might get mad at him or jump on him for whatever he says, so he just keeps his mouth shut. I told him if that had to do with the email i wrote, that there wasn't anything more i needed to say, and i said all i had to say in there, and i said that in the nicest way possible. He just said he didn't know, he just gets scared of how i react to what he says to me. I tried to laugh it off.

Anyhow..the next few days after that, i emailed him a lot, wrote him silly things, sent him joke forwards, and blah blah. He never wrote back to them...i never saw him on IM...no phone calls....i got really upset.

I wrote him another email telling him to call me, he wrote back and said he couldn't call me, and that he would go to net cafe to log on to the IM service and chat to me. So he logged on and i basically let it all out. I told him i can't do this anymore, i'm confused, i don't know what i mean to you anymore, you confuse me, i'm always there for you when you need me, but i'm not getting what i need, etc. He got so mad at me and said that nobody understands him, and that's why he never talks about anything. I told him that he never tells me anything, so how am i supposed to understand? And the little i do know, i am soooo understanding about. He just refused to see it my way. We got into a big fight, and he just kept telling me it is over, and we will never work as bf/gf and we both know it because of the family deal and our faiths. It just blew up to be a horrible conversation. So i basically told him he will not hear from me again and this was the last conversation from me and that our friendship/relationship has been totally ruined beyond repair. He said he knew it was and that he was so sorry and he never wanted it to be this way. I got so bitter and told him to F-off and that his apology means nothing to me.

Since then i haven't heard from him...it's been about 3 days. I don't even know what the heck is going on with him...does he care enough to maybe fix the relationship when he gets home?? Does he still love me?? Does he miss me and think of me?? God, this is the worst feeling in the whole world. I love this guy so much, and even though he was always deployed, i still stood strong for him, and showed him how much he meant to me.

Sorry this is soooo long, and if you read it all, thank you so much, seriously. Any advice or thoughts on this?? I'd really appreciate it....this is affecting me deeply, and i'm so hurt.

He may just need some space atm... having been deployed before, it really takes a toll on you emotionally. He's got to keep his focus out there and relationship problems need to take a back seat. It's probably his way of dealing with it, by disconnecting.

Being with a soldier takes a special type of woman. My ex cheated on me 3-4 times when I got sent to Bosnia... you need a very independent girl, that's also loyal and supportive IMHO.

You can't understand what he's going through unless you were there. It sucks, but that's how it works. You have to be willing to just be supportive of him and let him figure it out... it's not something you can help him with. Ever wonder why a good portion of veterans that return to civilian life, have issues readjusting (talking about those involved in wars)? Very few people can relate to what you've been through. I know that I had issues, I've been out for about 7 years and still feel that very few people can identify with me. They may respect the sacrifices soldiers make, but cannot fathom the details. Add in all the regular life BS and you have some messed up heads.

Being with a soldier isn't for many people... I tell all the youngsters that ask me about the service... that it's a good experience, but to stay away from relationships until they're done or have been in a while. Date and all that, but don't get attached. It only leads to more problems, the majority of the time. When I got back from Bosnia and found out my ex cheated on me, it almost pushed me over the edge, emotionally. It's a hard enough life already, no need for more problems.

He may just need some space atm... having been deployed before, it really takes a toll on you emotionally. He's got to keep his focus out there and relationship problems need to take a back seat. It's probably his way of dealing with it, by disconnecting.

 

Being with a soldier takes a special type of woman. My ex cheated on me 3-4 times when I got sent to Bosnia... you need a very independent girl, that's also loyal and supportive IMHO.

 

You can't understand what he's going through unless you were there. It sucks, but that's how it works. You have to be willing to just be supportive of him and let him figure it out... it's not something you can help him with. Ever wonder why a good portion of veterans that return to civilian life, have issues readjusting (talking about those involved in wars)? Very few people can relate to what you've been through. I know that I had issues, I've been out for about 7 years and still feel that very few people can identify with me. They may respect the sacrifices soldiers make, but cannot fathom the details. Add in all the regular life BS and you have some messed up heads.

 

Being with a soldier isn't for many people... I tell all the youngsters that ask me about the service... that it's a good experience, but to stay away from relationships until they're done or have been in a while. Date and all that, but don't get attached. It only leads to more problems, the majority of the time. When I got back from Bosnia and found out my ex cheated on me, it almost pushed me over the edge, emotionally. It's a hard enough life already, no need for more problems.

Thanks for replying, and i'm sorry you got cheated on while you were deployed. That's horrible.

I've never cheated on him ever. I was so faithful to him, and everything was all about him. All i did was try and make him happy while he was/is deployed, cheer him up, etc. We did occassionally get into little arguments here and there while he was deployed, but i guess that was because of lack of communication, or frustration that either one of us felt. But we always fixed the situation.

I know i'm strong enough to be that woman who can stand a military relationship. I even told him that, i know and he knows that i am a very patient person, and i try my hardest to be as understanding as possible. I told him all i wanted from him ever, in this relationship, was for him to be open with me. I told him i knew it was hard for him to open up, but i'd be patient and take what i get.

I understand that deployments over time can really affect the deployed one, and i'm sure i don't understand anything he's going through...but the fact that he shared a little bit with me about what's going through his head, made me happy, and i showed that i cared and that i was always there to listen to him. I did nothing but reassure him that he could count on me and trust me to talk about anything. And this was after he broke up with me.

I know he's going through so much right now, but when he's leaving me in limbo where i don't even know what position i play in his life...of course i'm going to feel extremely hurt. I'm just a civilian...i have no clue right? So i'm just going to hurt over what i see or get from him...which isn't much at all. Yet he really wanted to be friends with me even though it was over.

I know he still cares about me a lot, and that i mean a lot to him...he's told me. I just don't understand how with a flip of a switch he decided to end things...and won't get back together with me at all. He just said that the bf/gf thing isn't going to work, and we are LD even in the states when he is home, and he didn't even realize it would be this hard to maintain a relationship like this..until he started to date me. He told me, i was the one that made him realize it's messed up. He said he thought his relationship would be okay and he could make it work...but now it's just proved to be another relationship to add to the list of military guys whos relationships just fell apart due to the deployed one.

In my eyes it NEVER fell apart. I am TOO strong for him. I dunno...maybe he's intimidated by my ability to be so strong and calm?? He never even called me to tell me it was over. He did it all over the internet through IMs, and everytime i asked him to call me and tell me it's over..he wouldn't do it, and he would get mad at me and say that i just want him to feel like crap and to feel guilty.

I do feel so bad for the way our recent conversation was...and how it blew up to be this ugly fight and that was the end of the communication...but what else was i supposed to do? He wasn't reciprocating anything at ALL to me. I told him i needed some reassurance...just anything to point me into some direction, but he never gave me any...instead he just called me and avoided talking about me and him...and made small talk instead.

I was pretty rude to him. He tried to apologize for the way things are and i told him i don't care and his apology doesn't make things better...but i was so upset and hurt. After months of trying to get some answers for myself and being so patient...i got nothing still. That's why i acted the way i did.

Now i'm just wondering if he will even contact me anymore??? Will i even hear from him? Will he e-mail me, maybe call me one day??? I wonder if he thinks about me and if he regrets anything that happened between us?? Is he hoping that i will get in touch with him, maybe?

I really don't want this to be over, but the way he made it sound..there is no going back for him, and it's definately over. It just breaks my heart....and i think i find it so hard to let go because this has all happened while he's in Iraq, and we weren't able to talk about this in person.

Any thoughts on what might be going through his mind, or any advice on what i can do to make this work/better??

Like I said, you think you understand but you're not getting it. He is all messed up in the head and he needs time to figure himself out... rather than understand this, you're pushing him for answers that he doesn't have. This is causing him to become frustrated, because in his head, no one (even his SO) can't relate to his problems. Instead of support, he gets more problems that are thrown onto his plate.

Being with someone in the Military isn't for everyone. He can't be open with you, because you don't understand where he's coming from. Let it go for now. Deal with the situation until he finishes the Military or he gets some more stability. He has the same problems that we all do, plus he has the added stress of looming death/injury every minute... yet he has none of the stress relievers that the rest of us do. He can't go grab a beer with his friends or watch a little TV to relax or hell, even get some private time. About 6 months after I got out of the Army, the national guard unit I joined was being sent to Bosnia... I told them F-that and took my general discharge. If that gives you any idea of how much I didn't want to go back.

Try and understand that soldiers in combat are under pressures not duplicated in the civilian world. My advice, be a good friend, and look forward to the time that he gets back to the world.

There's nothing tougher than dodging bullets, and mortar rounds, seeing your buddies blown up, and living in the dirt. Give him a break, see what happens in the future.

Hint: "Care packages" go a lot farther than IM's and emails. Send him a bit of home every couple of weeks, I'll wager it goes a long way.

Like I said, you think you understand but you're not getting it. He is all messed up in the head and he needs time to figure himself out... rather than understand this, you're pushing him for answers that he doesn't have. This is causing him to become frustrated, because in his head, no one (even his SO) can't relate to his problems. Instead of support, he gets more problems that are thrown onto his plate.

 

Being with someone in the Military isn't for everyone. He can't be open with you, because you don't understand where he's coming from. Let it go for now. Deal with the situation until he finishes the Military or he gets some more stability. He has the same problems that we all do, plus he has the added stress of looming death/injury every minute... yet he has none of the stress relievers that the rest of us do. He can't go grab a beer with his friends or watch a little TV to relax or hell, even get some private time. About 6 months after I got out of the Army, the national guard unit I joined was being sent to Bosnia... I told them F-that and took my general discharge. If that gives you any idea of how much I didn't want to go back.

You're right. I recall one conversation where he told me that he doesn't have any answers. He told me he doesn't know what to tell me, and he doesn't know what it is i want to hear. He did tell me he was so messed up in the head, that he's so confused, and he doesn't know what's going on with himself right now. I guess because he said all of that...i just wanted to draw closer to him because i cared. Now i see that i must have smothered him and not given him his space.

Now i just feel so cruel for being so rude to him. Should i write him a quick email and apologize, and just leave it at that?

Try and understand that soldiers in combat are under pressures not duplicated in the civilian world. My advice, be a good friend, and look forward to the time that he gets back to the world.

 

There's nothing tougher than dodging bullets, and mortar rounds, seeing your buddies blown up, and living in the dirt. Give him a break, see what happens in the future.

 

Hint: "Care packages" go a lot farther than IM's and emails. Send him a bit of home every couple of weeks, I'll wager it goes a long way.

I guess i'm just scared that i'm going to completely lose him. I have high hopes that he and I will get back together...and i hope we do. I just don't want to lose him...and this being friends thing is just killing me.

As for the care packages...i wanted to send him one this week that i had prepared. During the argument the other day that ended our friendship, i had also mentioned somewhere in there that i was going to send him his package out this week. He got very mad at me and told me he didn't want it. I was upset...i know he reacted that way because of the way our conversation went. He felt i just blamed him for everything and didn't see anything from my POV. I told him i want to still send the package and that i got all this stuff for him and i really want to send it to him. He kept telling me not to send it, and that he doesn't want it, and that he doesn't need anything. He told me to give it to someone else. So i asked him for the name of a person there he knows who would like it, since he doesn't want it. He didn't give me a name...instead he just told me "i'm signing off...anything else?". So i again told him i'm going to send the package, and he got so mad and said don't, again. I told him i've sent him packages before while we were broke up and that he didn't mind and he loved everything i sent him then, what's the issue now? And he said that i shouldn't have sent any of them.

I hope he was just speaking out of anger, and that he would appreciate the package. I do want to send it to him but i don't know if it's the right thing to do?? I want to make things better between us, not worse.

How many times does he have to tell you that he doesn't want to get back together with you until you realize that he doesn't want to get back together with you? Smell the coffee.

He is not a man in love (at least not with you). He dumped you before he even left for Iraq.

Please get a counselor and get over your obsession for a man who does not want a relationship with you.

You're right. I recall one conversation where he told me that he doesn't have any answers. He told me he doesn't know what to tell me, and he doesn't know what it is i want to hear. He did tell me he was so messed up in the head, that he's so confused, and he doesn't know what's going on with himself right now. I guess because he said all of that...i just wanted to draw closer to him because i cared. Now i see that i must have smothered him and not given him his space.

 

Now i just feel so cruel for being so rude to him. Should i write him a quick email and apologize, and just leave it at that?

Leave him be for now. He'll be in-touch when he's ready to. Send him the care package though, just don't make it into anything regarding your relationship. I think he was just being spiteful out of frustration... I think he'll enjoy it.

Leave him be for now. He'll be in-touch when he's ready to. Send him the care package though, just don't make it into anything regarding your relationship. I think he was just being spiteful out of frustration... I think he'll enjoy it.

I disagree about the carepackage. She's using that as a pawn, thinking it will make him fall back in love...but it doesn't work that way.

She is acting very needy and desperate when he dumped her ass before he even went back to Iraq.

How many times does he have to tell you that he doesn't want to get back together with you until you realize that he doesn't want to get back together with you? Smell the coffee.

He is not a man in love (at least not with you). He dumped you before he even left for Iraq.

Please get a counselor and get over your obsession for a man who does not want a relationship with you.

You obviously didn't read my first post properly. He did NOT dump me BEFORE he left Iraq. This all happened and is happening while he is in Iraq RIGHT NOW.

Leave him be for now. He'll be in-touch when he's ready to. Send him the care package though, just don't make it into anything regarding your relationship. I think he was just being spiteful out of frustration... I think he'll enjoy it.

Okay, I'll leave him be and i will send him the package regardless. Thank you for your help, it's nice to know i can get another soldier's perspective, rather than trying to talk to other females who might be going through the same thing as me. This is why i came to this board, hoping to get a guy's opinion on the situation...particularly a military man's opinion. You've been a great help, i really appreciate it. Truly.

I hope it's not an issue if i come back for some more pointers or advice in this thread later, from you?

I disagree about the carepackage. She's using that as a pawn, thinking it will make him fall back in love...but it doesn't work that way.

She is acting very needy and desperate when he dumped her ass before he even went back to Iraq.

You really need to learn to read properly before you jump to stupid conclusions. He DID NOT break up with me before he went back to Iraq, Good God....

Okay, I'll leave him be and i will send him the package regardless. Thank you for your help, it's nice to know i can get another soldier's perspective, rather than trying to talk to other females who might be going through the same thing as me. This is why i came to this board, hoping to get a guy's opinion on the situation...particularly a military man's opinion. You've been a great help, i really appreciate it. Truly.

 

I hope it's not an issue if i come back for some more pointers or advice in this thread later, from you?

I wouldn't mind. Anytime I can help out a soldier, I'm all for it.

I disagree about the carepackage. She's using that as a pawn, thinking it will make him fall back in love...but it doesn't work that way.

She is acting very needy and desperate when he dumped her ass before he even went back to Iraq.

She said he dumped her after he arrived in Iraq. Obviously we're only hearing one side of the story... but having been in a similar situation, I'm prone to assume that the OP is being a little needy. Although, not that needy in-general. Only when in regards to a deployed soldier.

Besides, regardless of intent behind the care package... I think he'll still enjoy it. As long as the OP doesn't turn it into more than just a care package.

You really need to learn to read properly before you jump to stupid conclusions. He DID NOT break up with me before he went back to Iraq, Good God....[/quot

 

What difference does it make, hon? He dumped you, and has no regret of doing that, and he is clearly not in love with you anymore.

Sometimes time apart just makes you realize that. He is probably over there and realizing he isn't feeling the strong feelings he should be to a woman he is in love with, even with the distance and the situation, he still doesn't want you.

 

You're awfully defensive. Why can't you just accept that, Iraq or not, he doesn't want your care package and he doesn't want you. Sorry but sometimes you need to just smell that ole coffee, hon.

What difference does it make, hon? He dumped you, and has no regret of doing that, and he is clearly not in love with you anymore.

Sometimes time apart just makes you realize that. He is probably over there and realizing he isn't feeling the strong feelings he should be to a woman he is in love with, even with the distance and the situation, he still doesn't want you.

 

You're awfully defensive. Why can't you just accept that, Iraq or not, he doesn't want your care package and he doesn't want you. Sorry but sometimes you need to just smell that ole coffee, hon.

It does make a difference, which is that the guy's world is upside down and he's probably confused. Not saying that he wants to be with her either, but the fact that he wanted to remain friends says a lot to me.

I'd wager that he's over there scared and hating life atm... not wanting to get attached because of all the relationship horror stories he has heard. So he's stepping away from the situation to help put his mind at ease. The last thing he needs to do over there, is worry about his girl back home. Besides, to me, dumping someone is usually conducive with a strict no contact... I think she may have pushed him away with her last phone call, but before that he didn't seem like he wanted her out of his life.

I don't think that she's being defensive. She seems to care about him a lot and from experience, that's an extremely hard thing to find. She might be a bit needy, but what women isn't? She's actually putting in the effort to try and make things easier for him, that's admirable IMO. If she didn't care, she wouldn't be here asking advice.

Maybe you should add a little cream and sugar to your coffee, cause you seem a bit bitter.

You really need to learn to read properly before you jump to stupid conclusions. He DID NOT break up with me before he went back to Iraq, Good God....[/quot

 

What difference does it make, hon? He dumped you, and has no regret of doing that, and he is clearly not in love with you anymore.

Sometimes time apart just makes you realize that. He is probably over there and realizing he isn't feeling the strong feelings he should be to a woman he is in love with, even with the distance and the situation, he still doesn't want you.

 

You're awfully defensive. Why can't you just accept that, Iraq or not, he doesn't want your care package and he doesn't want you. Sorry but sometimes you need to just smell that ole coffee, hon.

It does make a big difference. The situation is and seems a lot more complicated to me..things just aren't adding up the way they should, when a couple break up. There's just a lot more to it than meets the eye.

 

On a civilian aspect, i do agree with you saying that time apart and distance can make a person fall out of love and lose interest..if they lived in different states/cities/countries or what have you. But this situation is different IMO because he is a military guy, and this is a military relationship. The deployed person goes through things that the partner back home cannot even begin to understand. This is where relationship problems start.

 

If he didn't care for me when he broke up with me, he wouldn't be talking to me and making the effort to call me especially since he was the one who broke up with me!! Any time he has called me since the breakup, i have behaved so happy and full of jokes and try to make him as comfortable as possible...no matter how hurt i feel. One time i missed his phone call and he left me a message saying he just wanted to call to talk and that the internet is playing up over there. Doesn't that show that he cares enough to check in with me, so that i don't freak out because he hasn't contacted me lately?

 

It's a very difficult situation. Everytime i tried to break away from him on the friendship level lately, he got extremely upset...he didn't want to stop talking to me, and he said he didn't like knowing that i was going to dissapear from him, he told me he's hurting too, and he knows i'm hurting bad, and he always apologized to me for it.

 

I'm not a bitter person. My reply to you was snappy because your first post was just as snappy, and seemed quite rude. You get what you give, right? I know what kind of person i am...i'm faithful, trustworthy, and extremelyyyy loyal to the bone. I chose to allow myself to get into a relationship with him, being FULLY aware of all the different things that could happen between us...and i will not give up yet.

 

I'm here to ask for advice to try and better the situation because i think there's more of a reason behind this breakup than he lets on. But if there isn't, then at least he can't say that i just gave up and walked away within an instant.

It does make a difference, which is that the guy's world is upside down and he's probably confused. Not saying that he wants to be with her either, but the fact that he wanted to remain friends says a lot to me.

 

I'd wager that he's over there scared and hating life atm... not wanting to get attached because of all the relationship horror stories he has heard. So he's stepping away from the situation to help put his mind at ease. The last thing he needs to do over there, is worry about his girl back home. Besides, to me, dumping someone is usually conducive with a strict no contact... I think she may have pushed him away with her last phone call, but before that he didn't seem like he wanted her out of his life.

 

I don't think that she's being defensive. She seems to care about him a lot and from experience, that's an extremely hard thing to find. She might be a bit needy, but what women isn't? She's actually putting in the effort to try and make things easier for him, that's admirable IMO. If she didn't care, she wouldn't be here asking advice.

 

Maybe you should add a little cream and sugar to your coffee, cause you seem a bit bitter.

Thanks, you're right about it all. He is battling so many emotions lately. I know that he is sick and tired of always going to Iraq and wants to stay home for more than 2 months out of the year, for once. I know he wants to change jobs so he can stay home in the states for good, i know he feels as though he's all alone over there and no one gives a crap about him--he doesn't get any air mail, i'm the only person who has sent him packages to make him smile and know he is loved and missed before and after the breakup., i know he gets an ear full everytime he calls back home to his family and they're constantly telling him he's not being a part of the family because he's been gone every year for the majority of the year, and that, in their eyes, he's pretty much lost his spot as a son or a brother. I know it bothers him to know that i'm back here, while he's always deployed...his parents aren't doing so well and now he's doing all he can to come home for good to take care of them, since it's the typically speaking right thing to do. I know it frustrates him, because he said that he always thought he would get the golden egg at the end for going through all of these deployments and years of constant seperation and missing so much of his life back stateside. The list could just go on.

I know he's trying to protect his heart and shield his mind..because Lord knows he's going through so much right now, that my constant bickering or nagging is just the icing on the cake for him.

I've always told him that i NEVER want to be the extra pile of crap on his plate EVER. I constantly reassured him that i am here for him, and should he ever want to talk, he knows where to find me, or contact me. Given the situation right now, he even said that i have a right to be upset and angry with him about the breakup and the way things are...and that he just lets it slide because i have the full authority to behave the way i do. I never do it on purpose, the last thing i want to do is dig him a deeper hole. I guess the bursts of anger are a result of him needing his own space...and me wanting to naturally want to get closer to him because he's feeling extremely low these days...and because i have so much love in my heart for him...i want to do whatever i can to make him feel better. But if i get rejected time and time again, everytime i'm trying to, i guess, help...it hurts me. It's like i feel like all of my effort and time that i invest in him is just going to waste.

I really do thank you and appreciate you for your perspective. It's helping me a great deal.

Thanks, you're right about it all. He is battling so many emotions lately. I know that he is sick and tired of always going to Iraq and wants to stay home for more than 2 months out of the year, for once. I know he wants to change jobs so he can stay home in the states for good, i know he feels as though he's all alone over there and no one gives a crap about him--he doesn't get any air mail, i'm the only person who has sent him packages to make him smile and know he is loved and missed before and after the breakup., i know he gets an ear full everytime he calls back home to his family and they're constantly telling him he's not being a part of the family because he's been gone every year for the majority of the year, and that, in their eyes, he's pretty much lost his spot as a son or a brother. I know it bothers him to know that i'm back here, while he's always deployed...his parents aren't doing so well and now he's doing all he can to come home for good to take care of them, since it's the typically speaking right thing to do. I know it frustrates him, because he said that he always thought he would get the golden egg at the end for going through all of these deployments and years of constant seperation and missing so much of his life back stateside. The list could just go on.

 

I know he's trying to protect his heart and shield his mind..because Lord knows he's going through so much right now, that my constant bickering or nagging is just the icing on the cake for him.

 

I've always told him that i NEVER want to be the extra pile of crap on his plate EVER. I constantly reassured him that i am here for him, and should he ever want to talk, he knows where to find me, or contact me. Given the situation right now, he even said that i have a right to be upset and angry with him about the breakup and the way things are...and that he just lets it slide because i have the full authority to behave the way i do. I never do it on purpose, the last thing i want to do is dig him a deeper hole. I guess the bursts of anger are a result of him needing his own space...and me wanting to naturally want to get closer to him because he's feeling extremely low these days...and because i have so much love in my heart for him...i want to do whatever i can to make him feel better. But if i get rejected time and time again, everytime i'm trying to, i guess, help...it hurts me. It's like i feel like all of my effort and time that i invest in him is just going to waste.

 

I really do thank you and appreciate you for your perspective. It's helping me a great deal.

Like I said originally, this type of relationship isn't for everyone. You have to be willing to give him his space and not take it personally. This isn't the right type of relationship for you, until you can let this type of thing go without feeling hurt. That's the main problem IMO.

Do your own thing to keep yourself preoccupied. Be there for him when possible, but most of all don't be there for him with an ulterior motive. You have to look at things differently.

Being a soldier isn't an easy life and never will be. It's much worse when you try to have a life outside of the Military (i.e. a GF, wife, family, etc...). The worst thing I did while in the Army, was take on a GF... it really turned my world inside out.

Sandy,

I tend to agree with the other poster. I think that sending the care package is going to push more. It sounds like you're in a little bit of denial. You are pushing him because you want what he can't give you right now. Sending that care package pushes him more. He still knows you want something from him. The best bet is to leave him alone, but you don't want to look at reality. He is pushing you away. He's not doing it because he's in Iraq. He's doing it because at this moment in time, he does not want to be with you. I was married to the military. His decision to breakup is not solely indicative of the pressure he's under, and believing that is total denial.

It sounds like you have been too available, too caring for this man. I think the best thing to do, if you really wanted to salvage it, is to leave him be and let him miss you. He's going to realize how good you were to him. But pushing him because you want clarity and reassurance right now is fairly selfish on your part. It sounds like he just wants time to himself right now.