The Feelings Won't Go Away

Hi Everyone,

I've been reading this site since my own bout with marital infidelity, and I'm hoping you can help me.

My husband and I have been married for seven years. Prior to that, we dated for almost ten years. We were all of sixteen years old when we first started dating, and although we've had our ups and downs, it has been a solid seventeen years of life together.

During those seventeen years, we've often had to do a long distance relationship, but it always worked itself out.

Flash forward to this summer, when my husband spent twelve weeks in another city. I ended up getting involved in an emotional affair with a co-worker which ended up with a one-night stand while my husband was still gone that both he and I felt very guilty about.

It would have been fine if it had ended at that, but three weeks later, we spent the night together again, even after my husband returned home. This honestly shocked me, as I didn't realize I was capable of being so horribly deceitful.

After agonizing about it for a week, I decided that the best thing to do would be to tell my husband. I didn't tell him to be selfish, although I recognize that all of this -- my affair and my telling my husband -- are ultimately very selfish acts.

But I wanted to try and make it right between my husband and myself, and felt that honesty was the only way to proceed. Except...I wasn't completely honest. He doesn't know about the second time, just the first. And I was able to couch the first as a one-time random event.

The problem is, I was hoping that by telling my husband that he and I would start to work through our marriage issues and that gradually my feelings for the OM would go away.

The OM is single, and definitely felt badly about what happened between us. I've had no contact with him for about two weeks now, more of his doing than my own.

My problem is that while I want to work on my marriage, there is a part of me that is obsessed with the OM. I think about him all the time and wish that I could see him.

I want to know -- when will these feelings for the OM abate? I know that NC is the right way to proceed, but I am so sad and feel like I am giving up something very special. I know I am totally romanticizing him and what our relationship could be like, and I feel so horrible that I feel this way while trying to rekindle my love and relationship with my husband.

I guess I'm wondering -- are these feelings of "love" for the OM normal, and will they go away?

Thanks for your advice.

Well, that sucks! The part that makes telling your husband selfish is the fact that you still lied to him. Your doing damage control... I'm going to be blunt on this... thats not a good thing! I would recommend taking steps to rectify the situation, if you think lieing to him is for his own good... sit down and really think about that.

Is your husband working on the marriage? Or is he pulling back? Do you have alot of resentment towards him?

 

I guess I'm wondering -- are these feelings of "love" for the OM normal, and will they go away?

 

Thanks for your advice.

I think you are just longing for some attention off you husband and you are probably just infatuated with the om. I think you should just forget the om and try to spend more time trying to rekindle the love with your husband and see how it goes.

Until you know for sure who it is you want - Nothing will change. You will lust after the OM and keep your husband as things are now.

more of his doing than my own.

If you want your marriage to work and for your husband to give you a second chance - YOU need to be the one doing NC with the OM, not the other way around.

You've hurt TWO men, but most importantly out of the two is your husband. Let the OM go, he needs to heal and move on. Him being involved with a married woman (you) was just a stupid choice you two made from day one to cross that line. Focus that energy into your husband, go to counselling - Both individual and marriage counselling - and communicate with your husband about everything. You have to be honest with him, answer all his questions. BE an openbook. Give him passwords to your email account(s), so if he chooses to check up on you to make sure you aren't talking with the OM, he can do so.

Problem is though, you work with the OM. Have you considered quitting your job? Imagine the heartache and pain your husband goes through daily knowing you work with this guy!

Hate to sound harsh, but you really need to understand the damage you've done to your husband. The loss of trust, faith, respect, even love. The pain, devastation, his whole life and world has been turned upside down because you chose to cheat on him. Sure, you were lonely as he was away - But, you could have spent time with your family, or gone out with friends...

Do you and your husband have children? If so, there's another reason to dump the OM forever, and give your marriage your best shot FOR the sake of your kids.

You have to stop feeding those feelings. When you're infatuated, it's not just an emotional reaction, it's a physical reaction too. Your body actually has a sort of chemical response when exposed to contact and even thoughts of the object of your affection. It doesn't even have to be pleasant contact or thoughts, even anxious ones will produce that "rush". This whole thing is kind of like a withdrawal from addiction. You just can't afford to feed it.

Your best bet is probably to go ahead and tackle the problems in your marriage, and close up the gaps in your relationship that allowed loss of emotional intimacy with your husband. Throw some of this excess energy into it, and be firm with yourself when it comes to wallowing in contemplation of 'what might have been'.

Also... maybe work at developing some individual interests that make you feel a bit more self-satisfied outside the role of wife, mother, sister, daughter, employee, etc. A hobby or career move that's more defining of you as an individual might help you fulfill your needs better without leaving you in reliance of other people for your happiness. That way, you're free to simply enjoy your relationships. They're more gravy than meat at that point.

Thanks everyone for your responses. It really helps to talk about this. Here's some more background:

After it happened, I did end up quitting my job. My last day was about a week ago. Although we didn't work in the same office, the whole affair precipitated my decision to leave.

And I have entered into individual counseling, which has been somewhat helpful. I have asked my husband to do marriage counseling with me as well, and he has reluctantly agreed, although we haven't begun yet.

You're totally right that this affair was the result of some major built-up resentment issues on my part. I recognize that now, but I certainly wish I had been mature enough to see it coming before I entered into the affair.

And I feel horribly about what I did to the OM. He had just broken off an engagement and wasn't in the best place either. The two of us certainly found one another at exactly the wrong time: me, resentful and lonely; him, resentful and lonely. It was a bad, but combustible mix.

I think what is hard right now is that although I still have these feelings of resentment and want to work on the relationship, it is almost impossible to do because my husband is now putting me off emotionally. He doesn't want to discuss what happened and has asked for some time to process this.

Prior to telling him about the affair, I tried on numerous occasions to voice that our relationship was not where I wanted it to be, but he would either ignore me or walk away from the discussion.

I know I can't justify my actions. But right now, I look back on our seven years of marriage and realize that a lot of pain and anger was swept under the carpet. I spent a long time "mothering" him and that made me angry. I felt like my career and desires always took a backseat to his. And I have to be honest, we don't have kids, and there's a part of me that just wonders, maybe this is the time to leave this marriage?

But at the same time, I realize that I allowed all of the above to happen. So it isn't my husband's fault. I simply let his needs be more important than my own.

But that is what is so strange about his reaction to me telling him about the affair. I said: ask me anything. I want to be as honest as possible and I want you to trust me.

He was simply quiet for awhile, then said he forgave me, and that was that. A few days later, I asked him about it again, and he said, "Yes, I'm angry. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing or acting."

And so I suggested therapy, but he is resistant to it.

And the most horrible part is that I find myself getting so irritated and angry with him. He told me that I was "kicking him when he was already down."

But I feel so frustrated, and so sad. I know my husband wants our relationship to work out, but part of me wonders how he can just seal himself off and move on without talking about it. If the tables were turned and he had cheated on me, I think I would be totally ballistic and want to know everything. But we're very different people...

He is quietly seething and honestly it sounds like you are still trying to make excuses for it. I don't blame him for being angry and if I were him I would have just filed for divorce. Believe me he is feeling it but is not voicing it right now.

I dont think your husband has truely hit that anger stage yet, he is still in that place where he blames himself.

Why do you expect him to open up to you? Aren't you the one that hurt him? Why would he trust you with his feelings again?

In terms of feeding it -- I totally agree. I've been feeding this infatuation and need to stop. But entering into the NC -- I really want to write to the OM and explain what is going on. I feel like I want him to know that despite being a deceitful, cheating person, that I am trying to make this situation right.

My therapist pointed out that in wanting to let the OM know this, I am still trying to include him within my emotional circle.

But I wonder -- would it be wrong to write the OM a letter, explaining that I told my husband about the affair and that I am trying to make this situation right?

Or is wanting to do that simply a sign that I want to get back in contact with the OM, even though the OM has cut off contact with me.

I know my husband wants our relationship to work out, but part of me wonders how he can just seal himself off and move on without talking about it.

Infidelity is hard for a betrayed spouse to deal with in any case, but with men... it can be particularly problematic. Generally speaking, their thought process can be more visual than ours. IOW, his imagination can spark fairly clear picture of HIS WIFE gettin' it on with another guy almost as if he'd seen it with his own eyes.

Also, a good man feels kind of responsible for the happiness of his wife and his kids if he has them. It's kind of like he failed to "fix" a problem when things go wrong. So, even though it doesn't always make sense, he often feels like he's let his family down when his people are unhappy.

He'll talk when he's ready. Try to be patient. Right now, he's absorbing the shock of it much as he's told you.

In terms of feeding it -- I totally agree. I've been feeding this infatuation and need to stop. But entering into the NC -- I really want to write to the OM and explain what is going on. I feel like I want him to know that despite being a deceitful, cheating person, that I am trying to make this situation right.

 

My therapist pointed out that in wanting to let the OM know this, I am still trying to include him within my emotional circle.

 

But I wonder -- would it be wrong to write the OM a letter, explaining that I told my husband about the affair and that I am trying to make this situation right?

 

Or is wanting to do that simply a sign that I want to get back in contact with the OM, even though the OM has cut off contact with me.

Your therapist is right. You're trying to give yourself permission to get back in contact.

Cobra and Woggle -- you're right. I am trying to make excuses, and truth be told, probably still want this affair with the OM to continue, on some level.

I feel so stupid. On one level, I want my marriage to work, and feel like I am going through the motions to try and make that happen. But on another level, if I am perfectly honest, I just feel so...done. So done with trying to make things right. And I'm beginning to realize that my staying in this relationship is based a lot more on fear than on other positive reasons.

On one level, I want my marriage to work, and feel like I am going through the motions to try and make that happen. But on another level, if I am perfectly honest, I just feel so...done. So done with trying to make things right. And I'm beginning to realize that my staying in this relationship is based a lot more on fear than on other positive reasons.

I don't think it's going to be possible for you to make a good decision while you're still under-the-influence of infatuation. It's too difficult to achieve clarity of mind when a person is distracted by a 'love addiction'.

Why not give your therapy some time? What's the harm of waiting for these intense feelings to clear off before you make a move?

With all due respect I don't see how having an affair is trying to make things right. If you want this marriage to work you need to realize that you helped create this problem and it is mostly you that needs to fix it. If you are not willing to do that just leave and be fair in the divorce. Let your H find a better woman.

I feel so stupid. On one level, I want my marriage to work, and feel like I am going through the motions to try and make that happen. But on another level, if I am perfectly honest, I just feel so...done. So done with trying to make things right. And I'm beginning to realize that my staying in this relationship is based a lot more on fear than on other positive reasons.

The way I see it, you've placed yourself in a catch-22. You have pushed your husband away emotionally at this point, which leaves a gap your filling by feeling for this OM.

How many years have you put into this marriage? I'd say give your husband some time to come out of his shell, and start working. When that happens then you have a tough road ahead. If he doesnt... well that makes your choice easy.

When your sitting on a big ole pile of resentment its very hard to forgive...

LJ, and WWIU ... Listen to them! They have the combined wisdom of an entire village!

Ladyjane -- thanks, and you're right. I'm trying not to be rash or do something I'll regret. Although, I guess I already did that!

I feel like there is so much mixed in with this whole stupid affair. I'm 33, and have basically gone from my parents house to the college dorm to dating, living with, and marrying one person. Because we've been together for so long, my friends and family put our relationship on a pedestal and constantly tell us how "perfect" we are together.

But as my husband and I started talking about having a family, I began to realize how trapped that made me feel. I feel like I am entering into this very selfish stage in life, and I'm unwilling to grow up. Honestly, I feel like a total adolescent.

All of this -- my marriage, my career, etc. I know I'm going through a mid-life crisis, but I just would like to know that I'm capable of doing things on my own and being my own person.

I think what strikes me now, is that I used my early relationship with my husband to sort of "shield" me from my parents. My parents are great, but my mom is a total worrier and would honestly smother me with her worries, which she perceived was "loving."

As a result, I used my relationship with my husband to gain some distance from my family and to be "independent." Only, I traded in one dependency for another.

I guess right now I'm just feeling like I want to know if I could make it on my own. And over the past two years, that is the feeling that started to blossom. For the first time, I was making a good salary, supporting two people on it, and I was really proud of that. But the downside is that it made me see that I didn't necessarily NEED someone to take care of me. I could take care of myself. And then...the resentment issues began.

But yes, I don't want to be rash. I've been trying to take it slowly, trying to let my feelings dissipate for some clarity. I have a tendency to want to rush things, and honestly, it has only been two weeks since I last saw the OM.

I know this is like a heroin addiction and I'm going through withdrawal. But you have been so helpful, and it is such a huge relief to not have to hide how I'm feeling, like I do in "real" life.

Cobra and Woggle -- you're right. I am trying to make excuses, and truth be told, probably still want this affair with the OM to continue, on some level.

 

I feel so stupid. On one level, I want my marriage to work, and feel like I am going through the motions to try and make that happen. But on another level, if I am perfectly honest, I just feel so...done. So done with trying to make things right. And I'm beginning to realize that my staying in this relationship is based a lot more on fear than on other positive reasons.

I think that is undestandable at this point in time. what seems to happen when an A is broken off to go back to a marriage is that there are all these unfinished emotions with the OP that are left hanging and really come back to surface as the reality of the marriage sinks in again. Also, the reality of your marriage right now is overwhelmingly trying, the things that lead you to the A in the first place are still in place plus tacked on to that is the anger and resentful feelings of your H and the distance created from between you two from the A itself.

What you had with the OM was lived fast and intensely, it is a huge high to come off of, a high that a lot of people won't even experience and can't comprehend unless they have beend there. So you are emotionally in shock right now you are feeling the withdrawl. not to mention and this is how I tend to see it speaking from experience, that when an A is cut off it is not like a regular breakup where you've had time to process the deterioration of the rel/love feelings, in and A break-up you cut it off at the height of the good feelings, overcoming this proves to be very hard to do when recovery time comes around.

I say give it some time, don't act on a knee jerk just yet. Try to get a handle on the break-up first before you can decide what you want to do about your H. All your feelings are valid but confusion will be the most vibrant emotion for you now. If in time you still feel like the energy has been sucked out of you in order to continue in your marriage then you will know what to do in the better frame of mind.

Is this OM someone you would consider having a life with? Or are you just missing how the A made you feel? Valid to distinguish that.

All of you have been so helpful. I really do appreciate it. When it just sits in my head and swirls around, I feel like I'm going mad.

Cobra -- we've been married seven years, but together for almost seventeen. No kids involved though, thank goodness.

All of you have been so helpful. I really do appreciate it. When it just sits in my head and swirls around, I feel like I'm going mad.

 

Cobra -- we've been married seven years, but together for almost seventeen. No kids involved though, thank goodness.

You've come to the right place, just keep spilling your thoughts on paper you may not want to write everything here...it helps immensely in a time of crisis to write out the feelings all the thoughts can do a lot of harm festering in your head.

Well, that's the problem. I think what really attracted me initially to the OM was that he embodied all the qualities I didn't even realize I was missing or searching for. And that is a totally brilliant point about how ending an A is ending it on a high point and that is what makes it so difficult.

That is exactly right! I had so much joy (despite the anguish it caused us) with the OM. We had a lot of fun together. I admired him a lot, and it wasn't simply about sex. As my therapist said, sometimes the sexual act is simply a manifestation of the emotional connection you already feel for somebody, and in this case, I think that's exactly right.

We spent the summer enjoying each other's company before anything happened between us. I found it really easy to talk to him, and he had a way of making me feel like all was right with the world. With my H, conversations would fizzle or stop if they ventured into dangerous or difficult territory. With the OM, we could talk about a lot of very personal, painful stuff and come out of it okay.

But of course, I'm romanticizing all of this, I'm sure. That's what makes it so hard. I DO see a future with the OM, except that:

1. How could the OM ever trust me in a relationship, knowing I cheated?

2. It's hard to trust the romanticized idea that we would work out, considering right now the OM benefits from being the imaginary, perfect man. How crushed would I be to discover that I was wrong all along?

So, I know that if I end up leaving this marriage, that I would need a significant time alone to sort out what happened and why. Otherwise, I would just repeat the same mistakes over again.

The same issues will arise with the OM and the man after that and the man after that until you deal with yourself.

All of you have been so helpful. I really do appreciate it. When it just sits in my head and swirls around, I feel like I'm going mad.

 

Cobra -- we've been married seven years, but together for almost seventeen. No kids involved though, thank goodness.

Listen, I can tell that you have a remarkable amount of clarity regarding the situation you are in. I asked the question of how much you have put into the marriage because I think it's good to gain perspective on what you have! Just something for you to think about.

Honestly, I think divorce would be the easy part for you! Walk away and just wash your hands of the situation, and deal with it at a distance. That's going to be a very tempting idea.

If your husband begins working on your marriage... then you have tough choices ahead! It will force you to either tackle the problems head on... or leave anyway.

I highly recommend reading some stories on this board from both perspectives! Not all will fit... but it may give you some insight into where your husband is at and where he may be headed emotionally!

Well, that's the problem. I think what really attracted me initially to the OM was that he embodied all the qualities I didn't even realize I was missing or searching for. And that is a totally brilliant point about how ending an A is ending it on a high point and that is what makes it so difficult.

 

That is exactly right! I had so much joy (despite the anguish it caused us) with the OM. We had a lot of fun together. I admired him a lot, and it wasn't simply about sex. As my therapist said, sometimes the sexual act is simply a manifestation of the emotional connection you already feel for somebody, and in this case, I think that's exactly right.

 

We spent the summer enjoying each other's company before anything happened between us. I found it really easy to talk to him, and he had a way of making me feel like all was right with the world. With my H, conversations would fizzle or stop if they ventured into dangerous or difficult territory. With the OM, we could talk about a lot of very personal, painful stuff and come out of it okay.

 

But of course, I'm romanticizing all of this, I'm sure. That's what makes it so hard. I DO see a future with the OM, except that:

 

1. How could the OM ever trust me in a relationship, knowing I cheated?

2. It's hard to trust the romanticized idea that we would work out, considering right now the OM benefits from being the imaginary, perfect man. How crushed would I be to discover that I was wrong all along?

 

So, I know that if I end up leaving this marriage, that I would need a significant time alone to sort out what happened and why. Otherwise, I would just repeat the same mistakes over again.

There are a few things you said that are almost identical to what my ex used to tell me, (he was seperated and I was dating him he was till married)

1. the idea that you feel like I am entering into this very selfish stage in life, and I'm unwilling to grow up. Honestly, I feel like a total adolescent

He had expressed this notion to me as well, saying that for many years now he felt like he had been living his life for someone else and doing what others wanted him to and for the first time in his life he felt (with me) like everything he did he did because he wanted to, because his heart to him to not because of some stipulation placed by the formality of being attached to someone. We were trying to have a child, he had told me "I want to have a child with YOU, this is what it should feel like when you want to have children it should come from a desire within not for pressure from a oaper (they were married 4yrs been together for 8 and he was putting off having kids because he felt once he did it was his death...so he said)he'd say "for the first time in my life things feel natural, I don't have to think about giving, I just want to give to you"

2. That is exactly right! I had so much joy (despite the anguish it caused us) with the OM. We had a lot of fun together. I admired him a lot, and it wasn't simply about sex. As my therapist said, sometimes the sexual act is simply a manifestation of the emotional connection you already feel for somebody, and in this case.

Also what his therapist told him, that when you feel so good with someone that you not only admire and have so much fun with but connect on such a deel mental level, great sex is the manisfestation of the strong emotional connection. It was indeed like that between us. I was with him for almost a year with interruptions.

How long were you and the OM together? And yes of course you could be totally disapointed down the line, but really you should be deciding what to do with your marriage independently of how things might pan out with the OM.

You mentioned something interesting about trading in a codependence for another, putting all the onis on this new man for things to work out would be doing it again. see

so I think it's ok for for you to reassess whether you want to stay married but to put the onis on the new rel. would be repeating the same pattern.

Most rels have a 50/50 change they can work or flop that's a risk we all take when we fall in love. The thing is though that some people who enter As put all the onis on this new rel to help them decide on whether to make the move but that's not fair on the new person or fair on your current partner.

IMO you need to stop thinking about the OM. The more you focus on him the more you'll stay stuck in this holding pattern, dont you want a fuillfilling marriage with your husband then let go of this OM and work through your withdrawls and issues. I wonder you said that this marriage was long distance?

Why dont y'all work together to remain closer to each other.

That could be a great positive step.

Your husband is going through alot of pain right now, you have no idea!!!

It is disrespectful to think of OM's pain instead of your own husband's. Let your husband make this choice of marriage or divorce.

Dont you want to even reconsile your marriage?

Thank you. I've had a lot of time to reflect today, and everyone's posts have brought me some clarity.

Yes, I definitely agree that I can't trade one relationship for another. I don't want to repeat the same mistakes, and my therapist has pointed out that there is enough similarity between my H and the OM that I would certainly be doing that if I traded one relationship for the other. So, today I think I finally have begun the process of letting go of the OM mentally and emotionally. I know it won't happen overnight, but I definitely need time to sort out the aftermath of the A and spend some time alone before jumping into anything else.

And I realize now that I sort of had this expectation that the OM would begin to make demands on me that would "turn me off." When he didn't do this, that's when I started to get obsessed with thoughts of "why doesn't he want me, why doesn't he ask me to leave," etc.

But what I realized today is that if he DID contact me, or do all the things I wish he would do, it would make him a person neither I nor he could respect. Because ultimately, I'm married, and we both know that, even if we both acted against that.

All of this has made me realize that I keep hoping someone else will make my decisions for me. Whether it is hoping the OM would ask me to leave to be with him, or that my husband would ask me to leave because of what I did to him. I think what is hardest for me is the growing realization that only I am responsible for my actions, and that I can't blame anybody else.

I know that sounds so rudimentary, but I think I have spent my life trying to pass the buck when it comes to life's decisions. And now here I am, trying to do it again, and no one is taking me up on it. It's what I deserve, obviously.