Affair with my therapist

I had been seeing a therapist for help and became attracted to him. He was also attracted to me and gave me "the look" and then we advanced to hugging with lingering hugs. This all took place over months. We emailed, had phone calls and I stopped by to see him at night if he was in the office.

I quit seeing him as a client in January and we had sex the end of March until July, when my husband read emails via a bug he placed on my computer months prior.

I have been married 17 years and have never had an affair. I was very vulnerable when I went to see this therapist and thought I was in love with him. He told me he loved me and then said he didn't think he really did...

I have been on a yo yo emotionally to say the least. I was addicted to this man, our conversations and feeling attractive. I have been depressed for months about the whole situation and just could not stop it. Truly, it was like a drug for me. Not to mention he knew every intimate detail of my life as my therapist. The power was deffinately tilted in his favor.

I had thoughts of death and leaving my family because I felt so shameful and addicted. I truly did not see a way out, not to mention I thought I was inlove with him.

I am so glad my husband found out because now I am able to get free. The thing I feared the worse (my husband finding out) turns out to be my salvation in a sence.

DH and I are going to councilling. I am going to write a letter to the board because I found out that I am not the only woman he has seduced. He is a psycologist. I am also considering a law suit. I spent thousands of dollars seeing him and other therapists to get free.

My heart has been broken. I have not talked with him in over 30 days. I have wanted to call him, but dare not. I am committed to a program of honesty with my husband and myself. I have cried until I thought I would dehydrate. I have hurt until I thought I might die of a broken heart. Some days I have been like a robot, going through the motions. Today I am beginning to feel like my old self. That is, I see signs of my old self.

I have peace for the first time in a long time. Living a double life was tormenting for me. It robbed me of my spirituality most of all. I felt to shameful to even pray. I am so grateful to be out of it even though at times my heart yearns for him. Screw my heart!! My heart got me into a boat load of trouble.

I am fortunate that my husband loves me and is committed to working this out. I don't know how it could have happened. I do know if it happened to me it could happen to anyone. Of course, had he not been my therapist I would not have felt the freedom that I did or felt so comfortable.

I just want to be normal again and wonder how long it will take to be myslef again. I am attending a group therapy and that is helping to talk to others in a non-jugemental environment.

My heart goes out to any woman who feels addicted in an affair. I do know that it will hurt to stop it, but the hurt gets less.

I could not find a spell check on here.

Guess I just wanted to vent. Thanks.

welcome ayn. i hope you find the support you need here. it has helped me so much.

This is not the first time I've heard of this happening. A former co-worker of mine discovered that his wife was having an affair with her therapist. They, unfortunately, were unable to work things out.

A female friend of mine fell for her therapist as well. The two had an on-going 2 year affair until she left her husband. The relationship with her therapist then fell apart, the minute she was single and available.

It is sad that some of these so-called 'professionals' abuse their position of power. They are dealing with unhappy, vulnerable people. 'Falling in Love' with your therapist is actually a fairly common event and supposedly, they are 'trained' to deal with it. Some of them, I suppose, just can't resist feeling powerful and desirable and abuse it.

Yes, this therapist deserves to have his lisence yanked....PERMANENTLY!

He caused great damage to you. I am sorry to hear what happened. Please work hard on your marriage and I hope your court case is settled soon.

Ayn, I am so sorry to hear of your pain but am glad that you have a good H who he helping you through things.

This therapist has crossed the line professionally and taken advantage of you when you were at your most vulnerable. I don't know about suing (I guess that is still a very American thing!) but I would definitely report him to his superiors. Think of how many more vulnerable women he could end up messing with! You go there for help, not to be made to feel worse. This makes me so angry! I am sure this may have put you off therapy for life but consider finding another therapist (female if it helps) as they are not all bad. I had a very good therapist who was totally professional and helped me through a bad time. It does help!

Best of luck x

Ayn, I am so sorry to hear of your pain but am glad that you have a good H who he helping you through things.

 

This therapist has crossed the line professionally and taken advantage of you when you were at your most vulnerable. I don't know about suing (I guess that is still a very American thing!) but I would definitely report him to his superiors. Think of how many more vulnerable women he could end up messing with! You go there for help, not to be made to feel worse. This makes me so angry! I am sure this may have put you off therapy for life but consider finding another therapist (female if it helps) as they are not all bad. I had a very good therapist who was totally professional and helped me through a bad time. It does help!

 

Best of luck x

Damn straight the therapist crossed the line! This is terrible! Sue the creep!

Sorry to hear this Ayn...

Yes, do report this man. What he has done is a terrible thing. I'm glad that you and your husband are working things out together. I hope your future is brighter.

Many years ago I went to a therapist who also did the huggy thing. I spoke to my then boyfriend (now husband) about it, as it made me uncomfortable. He (the bf) told me the therapist was out of line and that I should find a different one. Though I did continue going to him for a short while, I did quit partly because of that, but also because of other things that were just not in my comfort zone. Not bad, just not quite comfortable.

Anyway, I moved, I think twice after seeing him, and after each move received a note from him about re-establishing a patient/therapist relationship. Then, maybe two or three years after I had stopped seeing him I started getting anonymous calls. The man apparently thought I wouldn't recognize his voice???? At the 3rd call I said "Mr. xxxxxx, what are you doing?" The calls stopped.

About 6 years after that, we moved to a rural community. We went to the only restaurant in town, and guess who was there? It turned out that my former therapist and his wife lived about a mile down the road from us. Whenever we collided he pointedly avoided looking at me, and his wife would look daggers at me.... Huh? Like I had done anything wrong????

Anyway, they apparently were more uncomfortable about the situation than I, as they moved.

I guess the point of my story is that therapists are people too. They have hang-ups and can be screw-ups and do things wrong and blame other people for them. Some simply should NOT be in a position of trust around vulnerable people.

Hi, sue him? Please.... you are a grown woman who consented. Suing him is wrong. Its like a teen going on a date, having sex and then being scared what mom and dad will say, so yell rape. You are not in High school anymore. It takes two for an A. My op is that now the cat is out of the bag, you are scared your husband will leave you, so it is easier to yell " I was taken advantage of" Sorry to be so harsh, but you weren't feeling this while having sex, and you must of enjoyed the sex with mm, since you kept coming back for more. Only now, when you are scare and trying to save face are you blaming him. Come on girl, put your big girl pants back on and take some responsibility here. Why would you ruin his career, only to save your own A$$....... not very nice. Your an adult, act like it. Maybe you need to go to a female therapist and figure out what is going on with your inner child, for you to hide behind her

come on people, she is not a victim, this went on for months. IT WAS AN AFFAIR!!!!! please, it was not like she was raped under hypnoisis!!!!! She consented, Hello!!!! Two people fell for each other, Started an AFFAIR, she got CAUGHT!!! by HUSBAND, now she is scared and having regretts, so she is placing ALL the BLAME ON HIM~~ wrong!!!! she did her part in this too. OWN UP TO IT, does not matter if she has never had an Affair before, there is always a first time. Stop babying her, she is AN ADULT!!!

OMG! Clue in! This man is a THERAPIST who is praying on people in their most vulnerable state, then he is making things emotionally WORSE for them. SUE HIS ASS OFF!!!! Then you can afford a REAL therapist who won't try to boink you during an office visit.

OMG! Clue in! This man is a THERAPIST who is praying on people in their most vulnerable state, then he is making things emotionally WORSE for them. SUE HIS ASS OFF!!!! Then you can afford a REAL therapist who won't try to boink you during an office visit.

READ HER THREAD AGAIN, she stopped seeing him as a client in Jan, still dropping in to him him , emailing, phone calls, March they had sex, He did not boink her during therapy in his office, she was no longer a client!!!! Hello!!!!!

"I had been seeing a therapist for help and became attracted to him. He was also attracted to me and gave me "the look" and then we advanced to hugging with lingering hugs. This all took place over months. We emailed, had phone calls and I stopped by to see him at night if he was in the office.

I quit seeing him as a client in January..."

Sounds to me like he began his "grooming" of her during office visits. He was in a "position of trust" and abused that position.

BTW, the bolded words are buzz words and phrases oft used in the criminal justice community of which I am a part. Yes - what he did was wrong. There seems to be only one person who feels otherwise in this thread. I believe you're outnumbered.

she also said she thought he loved her, and he said he thought he loved her too, BUT THEN HE SAID HE DIDN"T!!! ( JULY????) Only after husband FOUND emails, did she say he took advantage. SHE WAS NO LONGER HIS CLIENt, it would be differen she was crying on his couch, or under hypnoisis, if he slipped over to her and started making out, but thats not what happpened!! she also pursued him....... I think she should find a female therapist and find out why her inner child is acting up:confused:

Sure its always easier to place blame onto others when you get caught!!!! But Affair went on from Mar- July, she was no longer a client, so I doubt she would convince a jury on that one.

A trained therapist should know that when a person comes to him/her, they are at a point where their emotional guard is down and they may do or say things that would be out of character for them normally. Their training should tell them that it's wrong, WRONG, WRONG to get involved with one of their clients, whether their client seems to enjoy it or not. Their client, by mere virtue of the fact that they have just sought out a therapist, is not currently whole. Not saying you were crazy, but just not yourself - in need of some emotional maintenance.

Just stay on track with your loving husband and yes - SUE HIS ASS OFF!

"I had been seeing a therapist for help and became attracted to him. He was also attracted to me and gave me "the look" and then we advanced to hugging with lingering hugs. This all took place over months. We emailed, had phone calls and I stopped by to see him at night if he was in the office.

 

I quit seeing him as a client in January..."

 

Sounds to me like he began his "grooming" of her during office visits. He was in a "position of trust" and abused that position.

 

BTW, the bolded words are buzz words and phrases oft used in the criminal justice community of which I am a part. Yes - what he did was wrong. There seems to be only one person who feels otherwise in this thread. I believe you're outnumbered.

soooooo why did she go to his office at night? email him? phone calls from Jan -march? SHE WAS PURSING HIM!!!!

Ah, but she has a responsibility. He'll predate upon some other vulnerable woman who unwittingly came to a scab to find some solace and help.

Ayn, knock him for a loop!

I'm out!

I don't know guys, but I agree with Mino. They ended the patient/therapist relationship, she consented, then he changed his mind about her, she got caught, and she is upset now. I feel it would be wrong to sue him... he didn't rape her. I'm not trying to judge, but she is asking for advice... she is an adult and made her choice and needs to deal with her consequences.

I agree that he is a creep (especially if he has other women), but unless he has done it many times with other patients, I feel it would be difficult to get a court of law to agree with you.

I think she should go to a (female) therapist to help get over this, and above all be grateful her husband forgave her.

I understand if she was not of legal age, or just over it, but she is not... she's been married for 17 yrs., so that puts her at least at 35+ yrs. She pursued him too (went to his office at night to see if her was there, etc.). She seems too old (not a young child) to play this card (no offense).

I think she is just afraid, but getting revenge on someone else won't help. You have to forgive yourself and work on your marriage... pray!

...but unless he has done it many times with other patients, I feel it would be difficult to get a court of law to agree with you.

And how would a court of law know whether he has done this or not unless someone tells them? So if this happens time and time again, and Ayn and others like her take the advice of people who tell her to not do anything about him, the law enforcement community and the board that governs his practice will never find out. Scott free.

And yes - if a therapist begins a relationship with a client, whether it continues subsequent to the professional relationship or not - a court of law and the board of health will crucify him. He took an oath that he has gone completely against.

Sorry - said I was out, but just couldn't resist. This one is just too easy. In a therapist-client relationship, there must be absolutely no touchy-feely. Period. It is the primary responsibility of the therapist to maintain the proper relationship. He wasn't the one looking for emotional help. He knew she was vulnerable and used it to his own ends. Guilty b**tard.

And how would a court of law know whether he has done this or not unless someone tells them? So if this happens time and time again, and Ayn and others like her take the advice of people who tell her to not do anything about him, the law enforcement community and the board that governs his practice will never find out. Scott free.

 

And yes - if a therapist begins a relationship with a client, whether it continues subsequent to the professional relationship or not - a court of law and the board of health will crucify him. He took an oath that he has gone completely against.

 

Sorry - said I was out, but just couldn't resist. This one is just too easy. In a therapist-client relationship, there must be absolutely no touchy-feely. Period. It is the primary responsibility of the therapist to maintain the proper relationship. He wasn't the one looking for emotional help. He knew she was vulnerable and used it to his own ends. Guilty b**tard.

You make some good points... yes, he should know better... I think he has committed some serious sin, but I still think SHE knew better as well. That's all I'm saying. I can tell by the things she said that she was after him as well. This sounds 100% consentual (sp?). I bet if he was still into her, she wouldn't be saying any of this and she would still be cheating on her husband. It sounds as if she just wants to get him because there is a chance she can... only to "put him in his place" for leaving her. I am saying this is how it SOUNDS... I really hate sounding judgemental because only she knows. Was her mind HONESTLY manipulated by him (I get the feeling it wasn't)? I can't remember if she said why she was in therapy... I guess that would play a part in this.

You know, I was sitting here, thinking about this in terms of the community at large. Say you have a daughter. Your daughter has finally broken free from a man who, for years, treated her like a second class citizen, and she's just beginning to get her wits back about her. Her self-esteem has suffered a major blow, and she feels much less than herself at this point. She goes to the so-called therapist who is at the root of this thread. He listens to her and says nice things to her. He looks at her "in that way" which makes her feel pretty. In her fragile emotional state, she gloms onto these feelings of validity and imagines herself falling for this therapist. He recognizes the signs of ardor and decides to get into a physical relationship with her. Would you want a guy like that hanging his shingle in your community?

Now, I'm not saying that's the case for the OP, but why should a therapist get to assess why a person has sought them out for emotional help and then decide whether or not it's okay to get romantically entangled? It's wrong, and that's why the medical community has deemed it so for years and years.

I feel that I cannot accurately answer the question, as a person with mental stability. In my state of mind, to do what the original poster did, I would know what I was doing. However, it could be different for a person with an issue where they need to seek therapy. I guess if her mind doesn't function properly, I could see the senario you typed about happening, but she seems sane to me!

She would have to have a true mental problem, in my opinion, to not know what was going on, or be very young. Low self-esteem just doesn't cut it in my opinion. You still know the difference between right and wrong. If she is so unstable, she shouldn't be out and about.

OMG! A person doesn't have to be a mental case to have emotional ups and downs. Geez. The responsibility lies with the therapist. End - of - story. If you disagree, call the board of health. They'll read you the rules of engagement.

10.05 Sexual Intimacies With Current Therapy Clients/Patients

Psychologists do not engage in sexual intimacies with current therapy clients/patients.

10.06 Sexual Intimacies With Relatives or Significant Others of Current Therapy Clients/Patients

Psychologists do not engage in sexual intimacies with individuals they know to be close relatives, guardians, or significant others of current clients/patients. Psychologists do not terminate therapy to circumvent this standard.

10.07 Therapy With Former Sexual Partners

Psychologists do not accept as therapy clients/patients persons with whom they have engaged in sexual intimacies.

10.08 Sexual Intimacies With Former Therapy Clients/Patients

(a) Psychologists do not engage in sexual intimacies with former clients/patients for at least two years after cessation or termination of therapy.

(b) Psychologists do not engage in sexual intimacies with former clients/patients even after a two-year interval except in the most unusual circumstances. Psychologists who engage in such activity after the two years following cessation or termination of therapy and of having no sexual contact with the former client/patient bear the burden of demonstrating that there has been no exploitation, in light of all relevant factors, including (1) the amount of time that has passed since therapy terminated; (2) the nature, duration, and intensity of the therapy; (3) the circumstances of termination; (4) the client's/patient's personal history; (5) the client's/patient's current mental status; (6) the likelihood of adverse impact on the client/patient; and (7) any statements or actions made by the therapist during the course of therapy suggesting or inviting the possibility of a posttermination sexual or romantic relationship with the client/patient. (See also Standard 3.05, Multiple Relationships.)

Nowhere in there do I see a statement that excuses the behavior "if the client knew what she was doing."

What the therapist did was ethically wrong. No need in arguing over that. In the legal community it is considered wrong as well.

Whether or not she wants to sue him is really besides the point. The major issue should be about her reporting him. Its the right thing for her to do, if only for the sake of any woman that he might take advantage of in the future. This therapist needs to have his license yanked.

I have no doubt she is a grown woman that is capable of making competent decisions, but so was he. His actions were ethically wrong amongst the medical community. He broke his oath, not her.