after 8 months he finally tells me THIS?!?!?

i have posted on here many times about my boyfriend's horrible mood swings and how one minute he will be so wonderful and loving and talk about us getting married and how hes so lucky to have found me, and then a few days later it seems like he hates me and hes so short tempered and yells at me for the stupidest little things. the 8 months we've been together have been an up and down roller coaster of frustration and emotions. ive always thought maybe he had some kind of mental illness because he is always so angry with everyone, seems like he hates the world, and hes been in over a hundred fights, as well as the mood swings he goes through.

about a month ago he got into a bad car accident that was his fault and he totaled his very nice expensive truck as well as injuring himself pretty badly and taking a huge chunk out of his left arm. hes had surgeries on it but it will never look the same and there is always going to be a huge ugly scar. before his accident things between us were better than ever and we were looking at duplexes to move out and talking about getting engaged. well ever since his accident he has been meaner and moodier than ever. things have been very rough between us this past month. he hasnt wanted to see me as much and we dont talk as much. he starts fights with me over nothing. well over the weekend we were out with friends and i said something he didnt like and he threw his drink all over me and called me a fckin b*tch. i couldnt believe it, i just broke down and cried and insisted we all go home.

well once back at his friend's house we got into this huge fight, it was so bad his friend thought the cops were going to show up. i was laying on the couch trying to go to sleep but he kept initiating the fight. he smacked me across the face with a pillow, then grabbed my phone and started going through it asking me who i was texting and he kept saying "have fun with your ex boyfriend tomorrow, i know you're going to go running back to him, arent you? arent you???" i just ignored him so he was saying things like "since hes so much better in bed than me, i know you're going to call him as soon as you can." then when i continued to ignore him he threw my phone across the room. something in me snapped and i started saying all kinds of mean things to him like "what is wrong with you? why are you such a mean person? you are a miserable person to be around, i suggest you go see a doctor because there is soemthing seriously wrong with you." then he said he couldnt wait till i took him home tomorrow so he could never see or talk to me again. then he got real quiet for awhile.

just as i was about to fall asleep i hear him say "hey." he sounded different, like sad or something so i nicely said what? he then proceeded to start crying and to tell me that he has had clinical depression since he was very young. he said he hates the world and everyone in it. he said he gets in these moods where he just wants to sleep all day and whoever tries to wake him up he yells and screams at them to go away. he says during this time he doesnt really want to see anyone. the biggest shocker of all came when he told me he tried to kill himself twice. once when he was 13 he tried to shoot himself but the gun wouldnt go off, then when he was 19 he took a whole bunch of pills but his friend found him passed out on the floor and he was taken to the hospital in time to survive. he said he feels like theres no reason for him to live. he said he feels like his life is a living hell and he doesnt understand why hes here.

he reached out and grabbed my hand and held it while he was talking to me. he said this is the most embarrassing thing hes ever done to tell me this. he said hes never told this to anyone, none of his past gfs or friends know. only his parents know. he said he wanted me to know why hes such an as*hole. he then said that its probably best that i stay away from him. i said i will never stay away from him, im always going to be there for him. he said just stay away so i dont have to put you through this. but i told him i didnt want anything to happen to him and he cant make me stay away because i care about him too much. i told him he needs to see a doctor but he says hes never been on meds and he was in a psychiatric ward for 3 days but it didnt help at all and no doctor could ever help him. the next morning i feel him reach out and take my hand and kiss it. then he comes over and lays down on the couch with me and kisses my forehead and hugs me and says "im so sorry baby. thank you so much for taking care of me when i got in my accident. i never thanked you but i appreciated it so much. i love you." later that day after he had gone home i got a text message that said "im sorry hun i love you." i thought everything was going to be fine from then on.

but i spent the night with him last night and once again he seems different so i asked him if he wanted to be with me and he says "i dont know." then he kisses me on the forehead and rolls over to face the wall. 30 seconds later he says "you're such a great person and you're so good to me. but im under so much stress right now and i dont want to take it out on you. i really dont want to lose you and i dont want to break up but i kind of need to just do my own thing right now and figure things out. i just need some space. i absolutely do not want to date other people. i still want to talk to you and hang out with you but just not as much. we're still together but i just need some space right now." i kissed the back of his neck and told him i would give him all the space he needs and i understood. i wasnt too worried because i knew that people suffering from depression usually wanted their space and pushed their significant other away for awhile. well the next morning he seems to be in a much better mood and hes kissing me and tickling me and paying all kinds of attention to me. it really confused me because he said he wanted space because hes under so much stress and hes going through one of his depressive episodes but suddenly hes in a good mood??? and i know hes going out with some friends tonight for his friend's birthday.

i just dont understand what he really wants. i cant tell if hes pushing me away because of his depression or because he doesnt want to be with me. he told me about a week ago that he was just really scared because he knows if we stay together much longer hes going to ask me to marry him and that scares him to death. so it could also be that reason that hes pushing me away.

i dont know what to do. i know i should be there for him but should i also become less available, like not answer the phone everytime he calls, not spend time with him whenever he asks and go out with my friends more and do my own thing? or is this just going to make him mad and push him away more? also, what is the real reason he needs his "space"? is it because hes depressed and hes going through alot right now or is he just not that into me anymore?

its gonna suck to hear this because its so short and blunt, but you need to get away from this guy. not walk or slowly detach: RUN from him NOW.

he is making you miserable and acts abusive. you may feel sorry for his problems, but they are his problems, not yours.

its gonna suck to hear this because its so short and blunt, but you need to get away from this guy. not walk or slowly detach: RUN from him NOW.

I agree with this 100%. This guy is abusive. He only told you about his "depression" as a way to explain his actions without taking responsibility. You're very right to be wary that he waited 8 months to tell you this - and he only did it when you blew up at him. It's a common tactic with abusers to push you to the edge, and then try and rope you back in with some sort of "confession."

Get away from him now. If you buy his excuse - he'll be back to his old tricks in no time - because he'll then be confident that he can manipulate you. Next time, it might not be a pillow.

It all sounds pretty manipulative and abusive to me. This guy needs to deal with himself before he imposes himself on anyone else. At best, he does have mental disorders, and so will you if you stick around any longer. Get while the getting is good, girl.

I agree. I suffer from depression, so I am very empathetic to people who are afflicted.

What I feel is key here is he is not willing to get help. He should be saying "how I acted was inappropriate and hurtful to you. I apologize. I am going to go to a doctor to consider medications and go to therapy to deal with it. I hope you can be there for me, as I am committed to getting better and committed to you."

His depression is likely valid. But he is not taking responsibility for it! I suffer, but I get treatment. I won't have anger or mood swings unless you are crossing lines. If anything, I need to learn to express anger more often. People who receive treatment are perfectly capable of relationships; people unwilling to receive treatment should be ran from.

I agree with the masses. If he is unwilling to seek help, don't even think about marrying him or you will only have a lifetime of "come here. No, go away."

Depression is treatable. You do not want to find him after one of his suicide attempts.

Your willingness to put up with this for eight months suggests that you may be codependent or suffer from low self esteem, as well.

wow this guy sounds more like bipolar than depressed....in any case, the fact that he smacked you cannot be excused by his illness. I know how it is to hear from people that you need to get away....but this is serious stuff...physical, verbal and emotional abuse is serious. You cannot stay to see if he might change, or things will get better....once u start getting abused...its over.

I hope u listen...good luck

It sounds like he is not ready for a serious relationship.

A guy should NEVER hit a woman. I agree with the others by saying get away from this guy. Would you be able to put up with that kind of episode again?

Depression, lol.

His depression is not an acceptable excuse to hit you. He has hidden this from you, something VERY important as to why he behaves like this. But how many people suffer from clinical depression yet don't physically abuse the people they love? He is using it as an excuse when it is not one. He is mentally unbalanced and can not control it in any way, so you ARE NOT SAFE.

Get the hell out as soon as you can.

yes i know i need to get out of this relationship before i end up with a mental disorder of my own. i just care about him and feel so bad for him because he has had such a horrible rough life. when he is not having a depressive episode he is such a wonderful sweet guy and thats what makes me keep holding on.

but yesterday evening around 7 he calls me and says hes going to the gym and then out for the night and he'll call me either really late tonight after he leaves the bar or he'll call me early in the morning on the way to his doctor's appointment. then he says "hope your night goes well. good night." but i wake up this morning at 10:30 and theres no call from him at all. his doctor's appointment was at 10:15. so i begin to really really worry. i figure the only excuses he has for not calling me when he said he was is that 1.) he was with a girl last night and cheated on me, or 2.) something bad happened to him such as car accident or hes in jail. i couldnt stand worrying about it so i called him. he answered and said he was at the doctor's office. i said "thanks for not calling me, whats up with that?" and he hung up on me!! then i called him back again and he pressed ignore. so i text him and said "were you with a girl last night?" and he said "NO and i told you i wanted space." so i text him back saying "i know you do and thats fine but then dont tell me you're going to call me if you're not going to. because then when you dont call i think that something bad happened or you're cheating on me."

was i wrong to call him and ask him why he didnt call me? i know he wants space but then he should either say ill call you sometime or ill call you when i want to talk or something. i feel that he shouldnt give me a time hes going to call and just not call me and then get mad at me because im not respecting his wishes for more space.

i just wish i knew what was going through his head and how he can change so much every day. i dont know what can possibly go through a person's head to make them act the way he acts. he can be so rude and nasty to me, complete strangers, his parents. its really like he hates everyone. he just called a few minutes ago and he seemed fine, he was asking me what i was doing tonight and i told him i was going out with one of my friends and he said his phone went dead last night and thats why he never called me. after about 2 mins i told him i was going to get going and got off the phone with him. we usually talk for a long time so hopefully that will send him the message that im not waiting around for him and pining over him. maybe he will realize that he messed up and i want out of this relationship. next time i see him im going to tell him in person i dont want to be with him anymore.

Hi there, I'm sorry you're going through this.

Please know that YOU CANNOT HELP HIM. Your unconditional love won't fix him. Your constant presence and steadfastness won't inspire him to get help.

I know - I was in an emotionally abusive relationship some years ago, and I naively and idealistically believed that I just needed to love my BF more; to show him what real love is; to let love work its transformational power to change him into the kind, loving man I sometimes got glimpses of. I was so concerned with helping him that I completely forgot/ignored my own needs. And before too long, I had lost my own identity.

You don't want that to happen. Believe me. For that reason, along with everyone else, I strongly strongly urge you to get out of this relationship ASAP. You are not responsible for him, and his chaotic and confusing behavior now is not going to improve.

Hi there, I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

Please know that YOU CANNOT HELP HIM. Your unconditional love won't fix him. Your constant presence and steadfastness won't inspire him to get help.

 

I know - I was in an emotionally abusive relationship some years ago, and I naively and idealistically believed that I just needed to love my BF more; to show him what real love is; to let love work its transformational power to change him into the kind, loving man I sometimes got glimpses of. I was so concerned with helping him that I completely forgot/ignored my own needs. And before too long, I had lost my own identity.

 

You don't want that to happen. Believe me. For that reason, along with everyone else, I strongly strongly urge you to get out of this relationship ASAP. You are not responsible for him, and his chaotic and confusing behavior now is not going to improve.

I have been there and done that myself, all too often. What is described above is pretty much a textbook example of codependency. I have tried to love them into mental healthiness most of my adult life. It never worked. Not once, not in several relationships with varying degrees of mental health issues. Not to mention that I have my OWN issues.

If your BF suffers from clinical depression (and I'm inclined to think he could be diagnosed with something else, but I'm not a pro) drinking will only add to his depressive episodes. Alcohol, by nature, is a DEPRESSANT, for God's sake. Even with medication to lift the depression, taking a depressant will not have the desired affects.

I know you love him, but I would take a REAL break from this relationship, not just giving some space. As a matter of fact, at this point in life, if you need "space" from me (I am not at all overbearing or needy anymore) I'll give you TONS of space, like you won't see or hear from me at all. Now THAT'S space, and if you need it, you've got it!

He knew that pouring out to you would prompt you to forgive his violent behavior. If you ask me, depression and abuse are 2 seperate issues. And in order to make you happy he will need to work hard on both of these things. You should tell him that and say it's YOU that needs space from now on. You should downgrade your status to "friend" if he needs someone to call and vent to; otherwise give him lots of room and see if he bothers to get help for himself, because no one else will do it for him. If it's then apparent that he's very involved in taking steps to change, perhaps you could get more involved then as well, going to counseling with him and such.

I think a lot of relationships are somewhat of "roller coaster" rides, but the ride he gives you is sooo much from one extreme to another that it's unhealthy for you. Depression is not an excuse for hitting you. Neither is getting into a bad car accident. NOTHING is a good excuse for abusive behavior. You don't want to spend the rest of your life watching him go from the "honeymoon phase" to violent over and over.

I realize how much you truly care for him; but breaking away is the only way to remember how much more important YOU are.

Its pretty crazy that your SO isn't seeing a therapist. I understand that you said that doctors never worked for him before, but part of the problem with that is that he NEEDS to allow for them to work. Its time for him to stop apologizing after he has done something wrong, stop treating you abusively, take control, and help him self. But, he needs to WANT to change. And right now, you re enableing him in a serious way. If you really love him, motivate his healthy recovery. He very well may need mediction for a chemical inbalance, but he needs to see a doctor first. He really should be talking to a professioinal, its reckless for him not to at this point.

Here's how I read it......he tells you of his depression. That makes you feel sorry for him and forgive him for how he's treated you. He says he needs space because of it. This is his way of keeping you on a string while giving him the chance to play the field. And what a surprise...he had plans to go out the next night too.....and you didn't hear from him. Quite the coincidence. Then, when you call him on his behavior, he gets angry.

See....he likes it when you're going along with his game. You fell for it hook, line and sinker. I'm not saying he's not depressed, but he's also manipulating you. When you fell for it, he was happy as a lark. And why wouldn't he be? His plan worked! He had you fooled and got to go out with someone else. And not only that, he had you feeling sorry for him to boot!

I've been there, done that and I can read this guy like a book. You might want to help him because he's depressed but a guy like this will drag YOU down with him instead of you picking him up.

I've been there, done that and I can read this guy like a book. You might want to help him because he's depressed but a guy like this will drag YOU down with him instead of you picking him up.

Me too. A really bad book with a predictable ending. This guy will make you insane - literally - and the longer you stay with him, the longer it will take you to recover.

Just one more thing... besides trying to take care of your boyfriend... i think that you really need to remember to take care of yourself too. You need a better support system than what youve got going on right now, and maybe seeing a professional yourself would help you stay strong. Don't let yourself be a slave to his sickness, and for pete's sake, stop enabeling his bad behaviour.

missmebaby, you are analyzing this too much. you are thinking too much about the little crap while somehow ignoring that he is being a total *******

to all, i just want to add that i think posters are making a bit too big of a deal about her getting hit with a pillow. we didnt see it, so im not ready to call the guy physically abusive just based on him hitting her with a pillow. tossing a pillow at your girl is more than a far cry from hitting hit with your fist

either way, the guy is abusive mentally, which isnt any better

to all, i just want to add that i think posters are making a bit too big of a deal about her getting hit with a pillow. we didnt see it, so im not ready to call the guy physically abusive just based on him hitting her with a pillow. tossing a pillow at your girl is more than a far cry from hitting hit with your fist

It doesn't matter what she was hit with - her boyfriend hit her in anger. This isn't a pre-bedtime tussle we're talking about. From the original post:

i was laying on the couch trying to go to sleep but he kept initiating the fight. he smacked me across the face with a pillow, then grabbed my phone and started going through it asking me who i was texting

He finishes up by throwing her phone across the room.

What you need to realize is that abuse doesn't happen overnight. It's usually an escalation of behavior. Once it's moved to the point of striking (with anything) and destruction of property - it's only one step away from the fist. I'm always shocked when I read posts like yours - it's hard enough to get women to admit to abuse - they're usually the biggest apologists for their batterer - even as they hold the frozen peas over their black eye. Please educate yourself about domestic violence before you start diminishing the importance of another's actions.

so what are the chances he really is seeing/talking to someone else???

reasons that make me think he is talking to someone else:

1. he said he needs space- he hasnt called me since this morning and hasnt asked to see me at all

2. he has become less affectionate- he doesnt kiss me, hold my hand, touch me, or initiate sex as often

3. he doesnt call quite as much or ask me to come over as much

4. 2 nights ago i was staying over at his house and his phone beeped like he got a text message at 1:00 in the morning. he looked at his phone, pressed a few buttons, then set it down saying "huh thats weird, i dont have any missed calls or messages or anything, i dont know why it did that." joking, i said "yea right it was probly your other girlfriend or your booty call." he got mad and said "no it wasnt, i showed you i dont have any calls or messages." but i was silently thinking to myself that he could have just deleted it before he showed me.

5. last night he says he was going out to the bar with his friends and he would call me late that night or early the next morning but he never called. when i asked him why he didnt call he got angry, says he needs space and hangs up on me. later he calls back and says its because his phone went dead.

Reasons why i feel there is no one else hes talking to:

1. he is at work doing construction from 7am-5:30 pm monday-saturday and then comes home, goes to the gym and gets something to eat, then goes to bed. and other times i am with him also. i dont know where or when he would have met someone else

2. i checked his phone about 4 days ago and there was nothing suspicious from other girls or anything

3. his request for space could be validated because hes depressed and very stressed right now. also, he clearly said he does not want to date anyone else. i didnt even ask him that, he came out and said it himself. i have asked him a couple times since then if there is someone else hes interested in and he says absolutely not and that he would tell me if there was.

4. he told me last week that he was just becoming scared of our relationship because if we stay together much longer hes going to ask me to marry him and that scares him so that could also be why he needs space

5. just a few days ago after he told me about his depression he was saying i love you so much hun, etc. then just 2 days ago when i stayed over at his house he was saying he couldnt wait to get home and make love to me and he seemed more interested in sex and initiated it 3 times.

6. he only came out and asked for space after i asked him if he still wants to be with me. he wasnt even going to say anything until i asked

i guess i just want to know the chances that he is seeing someone else because i want to be prepared for it. i dont want to be with him anymore and im going to break it off with him but that doesnt mean its going to be any easier knowing that he lied to me and was seeing someone else. so i need to know whether im imagining things or whether hes playing me right now

i guess i just want to know the chances that he is seeing someone else because i want to be prepared for it. i dont want to be with him anymore and im going to break it off with him but that doesnt mean its going to be any easier knowing that he lied to me and was seeing someone else. so i need to know whether im imagining things or whether hes playing me right now

This really isn't information that you need to know, is it? Does it matter if he lied? I think he's done enough already. If you need some motivation, read over your previous posts.

I thought I might chime in here.

My simple question to you is...

Would you be happy in a marriage that makes you feel like you do right now?

I think that even if you don't want to have feelings for someone. Even if you know they are not healthy for you. Sometimes you just have them especially if several months are spent together.

My advice is to form an exit strategy and stick to it. Breaking up with someone like this is the easy part. It is what comes after that really tests your character. This is when that no contact strategy is worth consideration.

He sounds like he has 'issues' and is not really taking your presence in his life or his relationship with you as a priority or as a concern.

Whatever his problems may be or where ever they may stem from is NOT for you to fix. You can address it, write it all in a letter and wish him well. However, don't hold your breath that he will figure himself out anytime soon if ever.

It sounds like the classic high of love and closeness feelings coupled by some subtle (or not so subtle) emotional hurts/lows. This is a classic pattern that abusers follow. It pushes you away then draws you in. It is a crazyiness that leaves you ...anxiety ridden.

Again...

Would you be happy in a marriage that makes you feel like you do right now?

It doesn't matter what she was hit with - her boyfriend hit her in anger. This isn't a pre-bedtime tussle we're talking about. From the original post:

 

 

 

He finishes up by throwing her phone across the room.

 

What you need to realize is that abuse doesn't happen overnight. It's usually an escalation of behavior. Once it's moved to the point of striking (with anything) and destruction of property - it's only one step away from the fist. I'm always shocked when I read posts like yours - it's hard enough to get women to admit to abuse - they're usually the biggest apologists for their batterer - even as they hold the frozen peas over their black eye. Please educate yourself about domestic violence before you start diminishing the importance of another's actions.

how did he hit her? did he throw the pillow across the room? did he wind up and belt her across the face?

there are degrees and common sense. to suggest that anytime a woman is hit with anything (socks, balloons) its physical abuse is just silly. otherwise, all of humanity are physical abusers and we should all remain solitary