Guys, would you be turned off...

If the girl you had been dating for a month went to NY for a weekend with a male friend of hers to see a concert with him and stayed overnight with him some place? This is my situation. I'm seeing this guy, and I told him I was going with a male friend to NY last weekend and we were still looking for a place to stay. I didn't explain further. Right now he's acting kind of distant and contacting me less. I can't figure out if that's the reason. Since we just started dating we haven't really discussed our relationship or whether we're exclusive yet.

it's hard for us to know what the reason is... maybe you should just ask him... you've got nothing to lose.

Communication is the key!

In his mind you just put him in second place.. or back burner..

You made the mistake by even telling him..

If you are not exclusive then you can date anyone you want but you don't have to flaunt who you are dating to him or what you are doing with your dates.

That is self defeating..

So.. yes I would be turned off to be told I'm second place and back burner dude.. the girl would never hear from me again..

You don't have to hide the fact that you are seeing other guys.. but keep what you do with them from them..

Is there anything I can do now to amend the situation? He's away now and will be for at least a few more days. Should I email him something or would that be weird? Or should I just wait until we see each other again, assuming he calls ...I don't want to seem needy or annoying since I've mostly been the one initiating contact since he went away this week. Also, what should I say? It's pretty awkward since we've never really discussed "us" or our relationship.

I should add that this guy I went to NY with is just a friend, we're not dating at all.

I would be a little. I wouldn't stop seeing her but I'd be wondering if it really was a male friend or if she were using "male friend" as a euphemism.

^i just drafted a short email to him explaining the situation. tell me what you guys think. i need your help!!

how's the project going? i've been doing this ---- class all week all day long which is pretty brutal, especially without air-conditioning. it's good practice, though. anyway, there is one thing i wanted to mention that's kind of been on my mind. I should have explained this to you before, but the guy i went to ny with is just a friend...i've known him forever and there's never been anything more between us. i think he liked me at one point, but i don't have anything but platonic feelings for him and have made that very clear. i wasn't sure how to bring it up with you. so...yeah. anyway, i hope you enjoy the rest of your stay in --- and the weather is kind to you!

should i send it? should i change anything?? be brutal!

^i just drafted a short email to him explaining the situation. tell me what you guys think. i need your help!!

 

how's the project going? i've been doing this ---- class all week all day long which is pretty brutal, especially without air-conditioning. it's good practice, though. anyway, there is one thing i wanted to mention that's kind of been on my mind. I should have explained this to you before, but the guy i went to ny with is just a friend...i've known him forever and there's never been anything more between us. i think he liked me at one point, but i don't have anything but platonic feelings for him and have made that very clear. i wasn't sure how to bring it up with you. so...yeah. anyway, i hope you enjoy the rest of your stay in --- and the weather is kind to you!

 

should i send it? should i change anything?? be brutal!

I think you should send an explanation like what you wrote. It can't hurt. He may take some time to get past the idea that you didn't much care what he thought about it in the first place. Or you didn't show that you did. It depends how you presented it.

If I liked the girl it wouldn't really turn me off, but it would bother the heck out of me. I would not want a girl that I like shacking up with some guy, even if he is just a friend. The problem is that it is tough for many men, including myself, to believe that such a male friend doesn't have alterior motives. He may honestly not, but it is just hard to believe.

I would take out the part out about how he used to like you. No reason for that at all in my opinion. All that is gonna do is make him think this guy was trying to sleep with you all weekend...even more so than before.

If the girl you had been dating for a month went to NY for a weekend with a male friend of hers to see a concert with him and stayed overnight with him some place?

She wouldn't be my girlfriend if she did that.

This is my situation. I'm seeing this guy, and I told him I was going with a male friend to NY last weekend and we were still looking for a place to stay. I didn't explain further. Right now he's acting kind of distant and contacting me less. I can't figure out if that's the reason. Since we just started dating we haven't really discussed our relationship or whether we're exclusive yet.

Of course he is distant because of that. I mean really...do you have to wonder if staying the night in NY with another guy is acceptable to someone you are dating? Would you like it if he spent the weekend with another girl?

Is there anything I can do now to amend the situation? He's away now and will be for at least a few more days. Should I email him something or would that be weird? Or should I just wait until we see each other again, assuming he calls ...I don't want to seem needy or annoying since I've mostly been the one initiating contact since he went away this week. Also, what should I say? It's pretty awkward since we've never really discussed "us" or our relationship.

 

I should add that this guy I went to NY with is just a friend, we're not dating at all.

I'll tell you a true story about myself. Right when I got out of college I dated a girl for a few weeks. Granted we weren't exclusive, but I didn't plan on seeing anyone else as if I were to give this girl a chance, I wouldn't insult her by bringing another girl into the picture.

Anyway, she neglected to tell me one weekend when I went to pick her up to go out that she went out of state for the weekend. Her roommate told me that she went to visit her ex-bf who was still in college.

So when she got back, she had the nerve to act like nothing was wrong.

I told her we were over and she started getting upset saying that we were not committed.

I told her that it is true we were not committed....and for that reason I wasn't mad at her. but then I told her, "but if you wanted a relationship with me, that wasn't the way to go about it"....then I showed her the door.

God, I feel like such an idiot about this whole thing. I can't believe I could have been so stupid. And I really, really like this guy too. Here's the email I ended up sending him:

Hey ----,

How's the project going? I've been in this really intensive ---- class at --- all week, all day long. It's cool, although a bit brutal without a/c..

There's one thing that's kind of been on my mind because I don't think I explained it fully at the time. J--- (who I went to NY with) is just a friend...nothing more. He was a year behind me at ---- and we worked together on the college newspaper. His Dad got him two tickets for his birthday in early June and he invited me along because I'm a big --- fan. We wound up crashing at a friend's house in Brooklyn. Just in case you were puzzled by the whole thing. . . I'm really sorry if there was any misunderstanding.

Enjoy the rest of your time in -----...hope the weather is kind to you!

What do you guys think? Was that emphatic enough? Is there anything else I can do to further redeem the situation or am I basically screwed? Now I'm scared that the email will somehow piss him off more or scare him off because he'll think I want to be exclusive. I guess my worst fear is that he won't even respond to the email and then I'll be going crazy in my head.

At this point you need to stop trying to fix this..

Basically you have done all you can do and doing any more will be too much..

Let him absorb it after he gets back in town and go from there..

If he blows you off then he wasn't worth your time since you did try to rectify the situation and if he can't see that then move on..

God, I feel like such an idiot about this whole thing. I can't believe I could have been so stupid. And I really, really like this guy too. Here's the email I ended up sending him:

 

Hey ----,

 

How's the project going? I've been in this really intensive ---- class at --- all week, all day long. It's cool, although a bit brutal without a/c..

 

There's one thing that's kind of been on my mind because I don't think I explained it fully at the time. J--- (who I went to NY with) is just a friend...nothing more. He was a year behind me at ---- and we worked together on the college newspaper. His Dad got him two tickets for his birthday in early June and he invited me along because I'm a big --- fan. We wound up crashing at a friend's house in Brooklyn. Just in case you were puzzled by the whole thing. . . I'm really sorry if there was any misunderstanding.

 

Enjoy the rest of your time in -----...hope the weather is kind to you!

 

What do you guys think? Was that emphatic enough? Is there anything else I can do to further redeem the situation or am I basically screwed? Now I'm scared that the email will somehow piss him off more or scare him off because he'll think I want to be exclusive. I guess my worst fear is that he won't even respond to the email and then I'll be going crazy in my head.

Redemption may be hard in the sense, this is something that might have been better explained before the fact rather than after. In only a month of dating maybe he got the impression you were exclusive then only to have that feeling shifted to feeling like a plan B or 2nd place. In a month you are of course just getting to know one another, such things can shoot ones self in the foot. Explanations afterwards are like hindsight 20/20.

I would definitely pull away in a situation like this. Regardless of what you and your male friend "are", it is a bit messy to even bother dealing with at that stage of the relationship. Easier to just bail at that point and find someone who wouldn't go stay in rooms with other guys.

I would definitely pull away in a situation like this. Regardless of what you and your male friend "are", it is a bit messy to even bother dealing with at that stage of the relationship. Easier to just bail at that point and find someone who wouldn't go stay in rooms with other guys.

I didnt even stay in the same room as him. do you think i made a mistake in emailing him?

Hey, shadowplay, try to relax. You did the right thing to email him. And what you said in the email explains things ok. Don't be hard on yourself for it anymore, because you've done what you can for now. Regardless of what he thought before, I'm sure he's glad to have your explanation. And maybe he'll be giving you a call soon.

If he doesn't, you'll be ok. He might not have been Mr. Right anyway. You'll get more chances.

^Aw thanks, Johan. That actually makes me feel a lot better. I will keep you guys abreast of what happens, good or bad. In the meantime, I'll try to stop obsessing.

Well I don't know either you or the bloke but if I was in his place I wouldn't be too happy if a girl I was seeing spent a weekend with another guy, even if we hadn't been seeing each other for that long like you say you & him have. However if nothing happened & he's just a friend of yours as you say then I wouldn't ditch her because of it, especially if I thought it was a girl worth persuing.

I don't think you should send that email. I think you should instead call him & offer to take him to dinner or something like that to show him you appreciate him & then tell him about the male friend of yours while you're out instead of via email. To me the email would seem abit like you're trying to cover your a*s while seeing another guy. To be honest I'm not into the whole seeing multiple people at once thing. I think once you've been out with someone a few times & you feel a mutual attraction both people should stop seeing others regardless of exclusive talk or not. But that's just me. If you really do want to send the email, like someone else said, I wouldn't include the part about your friend liking you in the past, I'd leave that till later on.

Good luck

oops sorry just realised you sent the email now!

I'd be abit so-so about it but I'd still give things a chance.

Hope it goes well for you

^i just drafted a short email to him explaining the situation. tell me what you guys think. i need your help!!

 

how's the project going? i've been doing this ---- class all week all day long which is pretty brutal, especially without air-conditioning. it's good practice, though. anyway, there is one thing i wanted to mention that's kind of been on my mind. I should have explained this to you before, but the guy i went to ny with is just a friend...i've known him forever and there's never been anything more between us. i think he liked me at one point, but i don't have anything but platonic feelings for him and have made that very clear. i wasn't sure how to bring it up with you. so...yeah. anyway, i hope you enjoy the rest of your stay in --- and the weather is kind to you!

 

should i send it? should i change anything?? be brutal!

"Vacation was fine but I MISSED YOU" would be enough. No need to bring up the male friend again.

Keep us updated.. I'm curious to know if he would give you a second chance. Speaking for myself, that situation would have been enough for me to decide that I was not going to be exclusive with you.

I guess I'm more tolerant of that stuff as long as the girl was forthcoming about who she was hanging out with.

But maybe that is because my ex would hang out with her ex behind my back, and maybe that is why she went on a date with another guy before breaking up with me.

I'm trying to be less of a sucker. I have female friends, many of them, and I wouldn't hesitate to visit them or hang, and I'd expect my gf to be ok with that, however, my gf would get to meet them, and I'd fully disclose anything about the situation. My personal opinion is that when someone is not disclosing things of their own volition, there is cause for alarm.

Personal opinion. The email was good. I would not have been that direct on the subject at this point, however I think you did the right thing.

That would definitely put me off. I'd probably not call again in that case.