my wife hates me and loves me is she cheating

let me bring you up to speed, I have been married for 8 almost nine years, we have a 7 year old son. I married her at 19 years old she was 22. I have not been attentive to her needs, I had the normal cocky male attitude. I did show her alot of affection, and do things for her and with her, but she always said she felt like she was not the most important thing to me. I never took the time to truly understand her I would just get defensive and we would argue

I have caused her alot of emotional pain, simply by not showing her the love that she really needed even though I told her I loved her all the time. It finally hit a point a little over a year ago where she finally snapped and had an affair. she said she was sorry, and that she just wanted the attention. She has always been a good woman and I beleived she would never do it again. Which I don't think she has Until lately.

Things got better for a while, but I never really changed I still had the attitude that I can do what I want, and go where I want. She is fed up. The last time I felt like she didn't love me I told her that if she was so upset that she should just leave me. I didnt mean it but she agreed. Since then I have been doing a lot of thinking and I have woken up.

I am truly a changed person, who understands a mans role in a relationship. However my wife is not beleiving it. Now she goes to her friends house (supposedly) all the time even though she works full time. she leaves for certain errands on the weekends. She get Livid if I question her. She feels after all she's put up with I have no right to question her.

I did the same thing to her, and now I know how it feels. She never used to leave all the time, so I am suspicious. She says that she is tired of not going to friends, and trying to be the perfect wife, she says she did this for 8 years and will not do it anymore.

She says she still loves me and is in love with me, but She has so much anger that she can't get over.

will she ever be able to get over the anger, and treat me with respect even though I didnt treat her that way for so long?

Is she cheating on me, is she really going to a friends.

What do I do, I really have changed, is it too little too late.

What do I do, I really have changed, is it too little too late.

If you are a changed man, I definitely hope not.

Is she cheating on me, is she really going to a friends.

It's hard to say. One thing you know for certain is she is tired of you asking.

She says she still loves me and is in love with me, but She has so much anger that she can't get over.

Hopefully she means she can't get over it yet.

You sound like you are sincere in what you have written, but trust my friend this does not change things for her. Will her anger last? Who knows it just might go on forever. If it does, that is where you will have to decide what is best for you... Is there a time frame? No... That is totally up to you to decide how long you are willing to try and prove to this woman that you are a "changed man".

Sounds to me like you have a lot of work ahead of you. Judging from what you have written I think you are willing to do it and I think you should!! I mean you do love her right?

You have admitted some serious offenses here my friend and I am glad you realize where you have gone wrong. That is a huge step. What you need to do is show her you have changed..

If she says she is going over to her friends, trust that is what she is doing. That will be a change.

Be accommodating to her schedule plan something and let her know that you have a little surprise for her on a certain day this week at a certain time. Almost like you are making a date with your wife...

She works? Send flowers to her job. Drop off lunch for her one day a week...

Look at her.... Look at her like you did when you met her.. Compliment her and most of all listen.

Help out around the house. Be everything you have not been up to this point.

I know she cheated on you and that is such a big NO NO in my book, but the two of you have decided to put it behind you. I hope you truly have because it sounds as if you love your wife dude. It also sounds like you know where you went wrong.

It's time you win her back... I hope it's not too late for you.

Thomas

I am truly a changed person, who understands a mans role in a relationship. However my wife is not beleiving it. Now she goes to her friends house (supposedly) all the time even though she works full time. she leaves for certain errands on the weekends. She get Livid if I question her. She feels after all she's put up with I have no right to question her.

 

 

 

Is she cheating on me, is she really going to a friends..

Well, don't jump the gun, and I am not trying to get you to do that, but if she is getting defensive about you asking where she is, she may be cheating.

For your sake and the sake of your child, I hope that isn't the case.

If you question here with an angry tone, then I can see her firing back at you even if she is telling you the truth.

but if you are asking her in a calm respectful manner, and she gets angry about it, chances are she may be cheating.

Have you REALLY changed, or are you just afraid right now? I know that at times I want to change so much and feel so commited to changing and think about it so much that I feel the change is as good as done - when really, I have changed nothing at all.

Your wife has certainly turned the situation around on you, hasn't she? Previously you were a bad husband and "made" her cheat. Now you are again being a "bad husband" - logic would suggest that she again feels justified in cheating. It is no wonder you are afraid. Your wife has created a rationale whereby she can have an affair and it is all your fault.

She may be justifiably very angry, but you should be angry too. You are both ruining your marriage.

I know it is trite, but you really do need to go see a marriage counsellor. If she will go, that will help you feel as if she has not given up on the marriage. It may help you actually change. It may convince her you will change. It may help you both come to terms with her affair. It is worth the effort for the years you have put in and, most of all, for your child.

Good luck.

Do you seriously want sloppy seconds for the rest of your life? Your wife is in the process of moving on. If she wanted to work on the marriage she wouldnt have cheating on you. Period.

What the crap do you think you did that was so bad?? You leave your socks on the floor too often! Come on, you may have put your marriage on life support but she pulled the power cord and murdered it.

Look, let her go and start over. You deserve to be with someone faithful. Focus on your children and make it an friendly split. Otherwise she is just going to drag you through hell... even if she comes back eventually.

Good luck dude.

Woo her, as if it was the first time you met and fell in love. Show her that she, your marriage, and your son constitute the most precious things in the world to you. Plan dates with her doing things that SHE wants to do. Get a babysitter so that the two of you can have time alone together. Trust her for the moment, don't question, if you want to win her back. Show her that you have changed and show her what she would be loosing out on. Do little things for her when she is home, help with the cleaning, give her a massage, cook a nice meal for the family, etc. Even go to get togethers with friends, but go as a couple. Play games together, have a family picnic, be creative!!!! It sounds like she is not sure about your marriage right now so you need to court her all over again to get a fresh start for you both.

Woo her, as if it was the first time you met and fell in love. Show her that she, your marriage, and your son constitute the most precious things in the world to you. Plan dates with her doing things that SHE wants to do. Get a babysitter so that the two of you can have time alone together. Trust her for the moment, don't question, if you want to win her back. Show her that you have changed and show her what she would be loosing out on. Do little things for her when she is home, help with the cleaning, give her a massage, cook a nice meal for the family, etc. Even go to get togethers with friends, but go as a couple. Play games together, have a family picnic, be creative!!!! It sounds like she is not sure about your marriage right now so you need to court her all over again to get a fresh start for you both.

I agree with all this BUT only within the framework of her committment also. She too has got to make an effort to improve things - otherwise, you could hang out under her window crooning love songs 'til the cows come home and it won't do any good. Regardless, if she's got one foot (or any other more intimate part of her body ) out the door, you've got an uphill battle...

Mr. Lucky

alright it has been a roller coaster ride, I have been trying to show that I have changed, talking, flowers, massages the whole nine. we had a great fathers day.

but it always rebounds back when I ask her what she wants for the future. she gets irritated and always says she doesnt know. I feel like she is just trying to keep me in this position, but I am slowly growing angry as well. She will not try to understand how hard it is for me.

She'll say "yes I want to be with you but i don't know if I can", or "I do want to be with you but it's just so much", or "yes i love you but I am just so angry I don't know on what level I love you". its never a definite yes I want to be with you, or yes I love you. she has been spending the night at her girlfriends house for the past couple nights after. I truly don't believe she is cheating but I have my human insecurities. here is a recent emai transaction between the two of us, please critique and tell me what you think is going on here.

my email to her:

I guess the best way for me to express my feelings without you getting heated would be by email. This is how I feel right now.

First off, I have alot of love for you. I think you are great and I want you in my life. right now I feel hopeless. I am on the verge of shutting off my feelings in a last ditch effort of not getting hurt anymore. I understand that you have tried to make things work in the past,and that you no longer feel obligated to make an effort. Unfortunately a marriage can not survive that way. Part of me believes you already realize this and have given up. You don't wear a ring, you have no pictures of me in your office, you don't make love to me, you don't sleep in the house with me, your actions tell me you want this to be over, and your words don't tell me otherwise.

I don't think your a bad guy, or are the evil villian. I know I had a big part in making you angry and accept that. I would be willing to do what ever it took to make this up to you, because I love you and care about your feelings.

It hurts me when I try to tell you how I feel and I don't receive any affection. I know that you can't because you are angry, but it still hurts and should be taken seriously. You are pushing me away from you, maybe purposely, maybe not. As always in my life once im gone I am gone, there will be no friendship, no contact, nothing. not because I don't love you but because it would hurt me too much.

I can be the man you want but only if you allow me to be. If I knew that you wanted me to continue fighting I would fight til the end of the earth, but I don't feel like you do. I understand that you are unsure about most things, I am as well. One thing you are sure of is if you have a desire to be with me. When you think of our future together it is quickly overtaken by thoughts of our past, I understand this.

through all of that I just need to know if you want me to continue fighting, or am I beating a dead horse? please don't tell me to do what I want to do. I need to know if you even want to be with me?

her reply:

I don’t want to be angry at you. I don’t think this is something that should be discussed on the phone, texted or emailed. I don’t think that you are a bad guy, but in eyes you have not been a good husband to me. As you know there has been a lot of things that have happened in the past and I hold a lot of pain inside. I have tired with all my heart for a very long time to make our relationship work. By back then it didn’t matter. What I felt did not matter. It upsets me when I hear you say that I have given up. But nothing is said about all the years when I was the glue that held our little family together. All I can think about is all the night I cried myself to sleep with no comfort from you. I’m sorry that you are hurting right now. I do care, believe me I do, if I didn’t, things would not be so hard. As far as if you are fighting for no reason, I can’t answer that for you, you have to answer that for yourself. I told you that I will be ready to discuss things with you on Friday. I’m sorry, but the way I feel is that I have waited for the real you for eight years and you took your time, I need my time as well, I think I’m entitled to that.

I'll say she is cheating, don't WOO her, nothing, Divorce her and move on. Her well, I don't know attitude is telling you she's not wanting to remain married to you. By the way, why aren't you furious with her cheating, you didn't cause that, she did, and you're letting her get away with it, and blaming you for her mistakes too. She's feeding you BS, and you're buying it.

Part of me believes you already realize this and have given up. You don't wear a ring, you have no pictures of me in your office, you don't make love to me, you don't sleep in the house with me, your actions tell me you want this to be over, and your words don't tell me otherwise.

Well, don't know that I would be as harsh as Vader, but actions do speak louder than words. Your wife obviously has feelings for and cares about you based on your history together, and so does not want to hurt you. However, don't confuse those feelings for love. She sounds like she's trying to separate from you slowly, both to protect your feelings and ease her way into the next step. Once that process begins, it's very hard to go back. The obvious question for you is this - do you want to spend your remaining years with someone that has fallen out of love with you? You could probably force, coerce and guilt her into staying - regardless of her feelings, is that what you'd want ?

Doesn't sound very fulfilling for either one of you. Sorry, but I'd start thinking about a life apart...

Mr. Lucky

Well, don't know that I would be as harsh as Vader, but actions do speak louder than words. Your wife obviously has feelings for and cares about you based on your history together, and so does not want to hurt you. However, don't confuse those feelings for love. She sounds like she's trying to separate from you slowly, both to protect your feelings and ease her way into the next step. Once that process begins, it's very hard to go back. The obvious question for you is this - do you want to spend your remaining years with someone that has fallen out of love with you? You could probably force, coerce and guilt her into staying - regardless of her feelings, is that what you'd want ?

 

Doesn't sound very fulfilling for either one of you. Sorry, but I'd start thinking about a life apart...

 

Mr. Lucky

do the women agree with this statement by mr lucky, do you think her actions (no ring,etc) mean she is moving and no longer loves me or does it mean she is trying to clear her mind to figure things out.

I know most women won't say they love a man if they really don't she still tells me she loves me, but is just very angry at me. any opinions.

I think your wife is hurting very badly right now, and has been for a very long time. Part of her may be glad that you are finally hurting as much as she did for such a long time. Another part of her is wanting out. But yet another part of her does not want to let you go. She is trying to figure out what she needs and wants right now and for the future. That is an incredibly hard decision to make when there have been so many bad times. Give her a little space, but be there when she is ready to talk to you. Be understanding. She said it hurts for you to say you think she has given up. That indicates she still cares. Don't push her too hard, that might only push her away. Just be there when she needs you, whenever that is, and when that happens be as loving and understanding as you can be.

thank you, anyone else

Why are you even wasting your time with her? She has already cheated on you once. Take what you have learned and be a better man... with a better woman.

Yeah she was trying so hard to make the relationship work... with another man! Pull your head out and start moving on.

Friday came and she was very sad, we went up stairs to talk and she eventually said that she thinks it's time to move on. I tried to get her to change her mind but she said she thinks its best to move on. I could see that she was struggling with her decision though. I got irrate and left to stay at a friends.

the next day I go to my house and I tell her that I had been doing some thinking and that I know she kept our family together for 8 years and that It was my turn to do the same. I tried to divorce her in the beginning of our 8 years due to all the fighting and she begged me to stay, so I feel I need to fight as hard as she did. When I told her this I could see a little glow in her face as if this is what she wants, that she wants to see me fight against all odds, to prove I love her.

I always had the attitude that "I told you I love you, what more do you want" and the "if you wanna leave then leave" type of attitude. So she never knew if I truly loved her. Yet she still stood by my side.

We have been getting a little closer, kissing, massaging, holding and things like that. but she seems very confused. Friday she says she thinks we should move on And now she is more receptive to my kisses and plans for our upcoming cruise.

My gut feeling is that she is petrified that I am going to change back to the person who could careless. she would not be able to live with herself If she gave me another chance and I hurt her again.

I think I just need to stay consistent and show her that I have learned my lesson.

whatdya think.

Yes, you are definitely right. She has been hurt for so long that her self-preservation instincts are kicking in. You need to follow up on what you said, that is exactly the right thing to have said and done. Treat her like she is the most important thing in the world to you, and make sure that she knows that. Find a way to express to her how much you have changed, how sorry you are for everything you did to her before, and how much you want to make things work. Part of that will be through talking, and part through your actions. Make sure, like you said that you are consistent in your behavior and words and that you work on it every day. Because she is afraid of being hurt, you need to show her that you will be her protector, even against yourself!

thanks,

for some reason though part of me feels as though she believes that I have changed, Yet enjoys the power of having me try to win her over. I don't want her to think that she has to treat me this way in order to receive my love. Has anyone gone through this and how did it turn out.

she sounds like a real fire cracker. I think you guys should go to counselling.