Fear of Commitment - The Perfect Couple

I had a brief phone conversation with my boyfriend's next door neighbor today. She has been feeding and walking his dog when he's out of town for quite a while it sounds like. Nice lady. I think that they chat quite a bit. He's lived there for six years and I think she's been there longer. I've met her a few times and she has obviously seen that I've been there a lot over the last 5 months (as I'm sure she's witnessed his social activity before we met).

Since just before Christmas, I've been taking the doggy home with me now and then while he's gone so she's not home alone for days/nights in a row. He's working out of town this week and won't be home until toward the en d of next week. I left a note for the neighbor to call me so that we could coordinate by phone so that she didn't have to walk over to his place just to find out of the dog was there or not.

So, she called me today and she's quite nice, and as it turns out, quite chatty. She was asking when he would be home and I said I hope at least by Thursday because we're supposed to go to the crab feed on Thursday. She said that I should give him a call so I can buy tickets because I guess it sells out some years. He's I said, he calls me every day while he's gone. Her comment: Really? Every day? Wow, that's quite a commitment for him.

Then, a little further into the conversation, I can't remember how we got to this but she said that she had mentioned to himthat she hadn't seen me over in a while(obviously while he was out of town over the holidays). He responded that 'we were in the process of making up'. She said that she told him that 'This is a relationship. People do this (meaning, fight and make-up).'

Now, over time and based on some of his comments, I had come to realize that it had been a while since he had been in a relationship. And it came more clear to me during the 'make up' conversations (after a big falling out) that he and I had last week and the Friday before that he hasn't been in many 'serious' relationships. The 'most significant relationship of his life' has occurred sometime in the last few years but I get the feeling that what we're doing together is a big deal for him.

Not only does he call me every day when he's working out of town, but also when he's home. (He isn't usually gone for long stretches like this.) We see each other almost every day, and definitely talk on the phone every day. Seeing each other on the weekend has become something that we do without discussion/planning ahead of time - but he still goes out of his way to plan dates and activities ahead of time. We really enjoy each other's company, laugh a lot together, discuss a lot of topics across the boards, and, yes, the sex is very good.

So, on one hand, like a friend of mine said, it seems like a very good thing that he's doing things that he probably hasn't done before or done so much of in a long time, if ever.

On the other hand, as I've come to realize the lack of long-term relationships in his life, it scares the crap out of me.

He's 45. I'm 41. Neither of us has been married or has children, although I've been in long-term relationships most of my adult life (5, 3 and 8 1/2 year relationship, within the last 20 years).

I've been proposed to twice, engaged once.

I've selected another man with commitment issues. Clearly, I have some commitment issues that I still need to work on. I started a round of counseling last week (I've been twice). The issue of me figuring out that I really do want to meet someone to have as a life partner came up today. It's been clear to me recently that I do, really do, want to do this. I do not want to spend another 2-4 years in another relationship without getting married.

Like I said, I'm 41. I've never felt that getting married would be a necessity. I've felt that if it never happened, that would be okay. Women are pressured a lot these days to feel okay with not getting married. It is practically a stigma for a woman to admit that, yes, she wants to get married! But after giving it a lot of thought, you know, I'm okay with standing up and saying that this is something that I want in my life.

So, I'm going to be working on this issue - meaning what I've done to avoid it and how stop doing this - with the counselor.

My question for the members here is: What about him? He's open-minded about growth and change, in general. He's done some self-analysis and continues to do so. I've only given a few examples here but he's doing things that appear to be over and beyond his recent normal behavior.

He has mentioned to me a few times in the last couple of weeks that he loves the fact that I make him want to look at his issues. (His words. I've never said that he has issues.)

It appears that he's making some real efforts here to get past some of his old habits in order to pursue this relationship.

Could an "old" dog be trying new habits?

Yes it could be that he is trying to move toward yet unchartered territory.

You are aren't you? -- I don't mean that to sound snide. I mean it honestly.

You have had realizations that have moved you down a different path than you ever expected. -- Marriage, etc. You write about how you have come to terms with the fact that you do, in fact, want marriage for yourself.

He could have been going through the same type of process and then to meet someone wonderful who you can see in that spot by your side - well a person does things they do not normally do.

I speak from experience. My husband did not act the same way with anyone before as he acts -- or IS -- with me.

It is our combination. How I am and who I am just mixes perfectly with how he is and who he is. We bring out things in each other that neither of us ever experienced before.

And he was a "player". He did not even have girls who he ever referred to as more than "just a friend" although they were physical and they in fact wanted more.

Now he is devoted and loving to me. No one ever saw it until me.

It can be. The signs are there. Just go slowly. You have time while you are working all of this out with your therapist. Let it unfold. It could be the greatest thing you have ever experienced.

Good Luck To You!! Really and truly I wish you the best.

Island Girl:

Thanks for the response to my long-winded post.

It's possible that you're onto something, and I've considered this as well. Timing is everything, right? I mean, I'm probably more ready to consider a permanent commitment that I've ever been in my life. Perhaps he is, as well.

I believe that we are a good fit, and I believe that we give each other a lot of the things that we need and desire in a partner. We like each other as people and find each other interesting.

I believe that because we both see such wonderful things about each other and the relationship (and the potential for the relationship) that we push ourselves (not each other, directly) to edge outside of our comfort zones.

My therapist has turned out to not be very helpful. I've done a lot of self-analysis over the years as well going to counseling during growth phases. She's very passive and hasn't been helpful at all, really. I've always preferred counselors who will push me and make me think and vocalize. I'm going to hold off on going to any more counseling for a little while but I do intend to pursue this topic at home. I have a couple of books that have been recommended to me and I'm reading them.

Still, the fact is that my boyfriend and I have never had even the slightest discussion about how we feel about marriage, in general.

And I don't believe that now is the time. We're just getting over a big hurdle. He's been out of town a lot because of work and family matters. And Valentine's Day is coming up.

I can only imagine that even though it would be due to virtue of timing, that any guy would feel that he were being pressured if his gf were to bring up the topic of marriage 2 1/2 weeks before V-Day.