Can I get her back? (Part II)

Here's a tidbit:

I left a voicemail for our old boss. Thanked him for trying, and asked him not to try anymore as it was irritating her.

He called me, said he got a laugh out of that. He says he hasn't talked to her about this more than once and that was 5 months ago.

She said he kept trying to push me into getting back with you. Lol, somebody's not being truthful...

I was vengeful in words...not too harsh...but I will always regret this. Lost inChgo, keep your cards to your chest and tackle that bastard thing called time.

dario,

that's vague without being too vague

I countered the silence and lack of answers with pathetic bravado and I didn't let it all sit with time. Instead, I thought...to hell with this, you've lost me. In hindsight there's a reason for everything and had I given it a good amount of time...well, who knows, maybe not reconcilliation...but perhaps a chance to honestly talk about things.

ah, ok.

Yes that would be nice.

It would be a difficult cconversation to start with, but certainly easier as it progressed and well worth the effort.

It's the pain in waiting. Not knowing various things...but life goes on? The last I heard from my ex was rather patronizing...I don't know how to deal with that sort of stuff.

Lost, it's nice to heard you had contact, people say things with their current emotions & mabe they even say "never", when they know they can't say that, because how do they know, mabe scared to say "who knows". The fact that she spoke to you is great & a huge step. Me being full of anger also, i screwed my chance of regular mailing terms because she just wasn't listening to my points, she keeps blaming me for her stresses, & when i say "it wasn't my fault, my panic attacks" she replys "it wasn't mine either", it's like banging my head againsed a brick wall, so then i repeat myself.

The times i said i feel guilty for putting my prob on her, but she can't seem to undertand this, so frustrating, so many things i want to talk about, i just speak of what she said i can talk of, nothing about reconciliation & she finds a problem with that somewhere. The total no contact is best, as you say, but without making them think you've given up!

Dario, your right that time thing is a bastard. I can't doo things that remind me of her, it still hurts so much after nearly 4 months, like walking in the forest, i expect to feel her hand brush mine & our constant chat & sharing oppinions.

Does anyone think our s/o's miss this too, even if they instigated it. 15 months is hard to just forget & miss times without fond memories.

Keep the flag flying all.

Monkey -

Yes she misses you too.

And the bad times disappear faster than the good times in most memories.

Just be cool about things.

If she does contact you, let her lead. If she starts any sort of real conversation about the two of you, you might try asking her if you can just get together for coffee and start over. (nothing more than that) If she backs away, don't pursue it. Give her a conformt zone.

Yeh, i guess some of us aren't as good at it than others, i just recieved photos back from our times, we looked so good & i can't see most of em without a tear!

I just hope that she has a heart & after seeing them , she can think about the time we had & not the bad bits, because that wasn't my fault!

Dear Lost,

You little sage, you!! I was following and responding to you on another thread, and then I read from you on this one. I, or should I say we, for all of us who believe, are happy for your progress - although it may not seem like progress to you. I think your s/o (like so many people) - is reflecting all of the things SHE really feels by seeming as if she is "warning" you.! It sounds as if she is having a very HARD time in dealing with and reconciling her feelings for your relationship. (meaning you!) She is having a hard time admitting that what she feels is the real thing. Perhaps anger, guilt, or something is keeping her from making that final association about things, but it is definitely there. Why else the obviously bogus stories about your old boss? She is really saying that a lot of things (like work, friends, etc., ) have been reminding her about the two of you, and her emotions are obviously reeling from it. The other stuff about her being able to be your "friend" in time is saying that she may need some more time and space to get herself ready for the contact, but also trying to make sure she hasn't distanced herself from you too far. Some folks find it easier to make the weight seem like it is coming from you and not them.

She cannot deal with too much right now, perhaps the hurt is still too fresh, or there may be other reasons, no matter. It sounds like at very least a good place to start from, these things take time and are never easy. It is precisely for those reasons that I do not suscribe to blowing up all of one's bridges, you never know when someone may want or need to cross them again. Yes, you are right to give her all of the space she needs right now, but let her know your heart is involved as well. I think she wants to know that more than anything. The trick is to do that without going too far. You sound level-headed enough to do this. Best of luck.

Ahhh, got the answer in this thread.

Thanks. That helps alot. Even if it turns out to be wishful thinking

The reason I think is fear. Recent divorce, scared of too much too quick.

I can't blame the lady really for running.

All kinds of stuff goes thru my head.

If she's feeling even a portion of what I am, she's been going thru hell.

And no doubt she's feeling alot more.

Kit-

How are you doing?

How did it all go in the end?

Still hoping you got a chance to keep up the penpal thing...

Still here Lost, hows things with you? Nothing new on the ex part except that she HASNT gone overseas, she is still here. She initially moved out of her house and put it up for rent and then moved in with her sis. That lasted all of a couple of months and now she has moved back into her place. Her brother who was initially living with her has now moved out and living with his dad. So i am 'presuming' that she is living on her own in that house....although i have no wish to find out otherwise.

I've done the no contact rule and basically left it contactless except for a msg here and there. The other day after the last time we met I got a phone call from her with some family problems that her sis and husband were going through. She said that she called me cos she didnt know who else she could speak to? I was kind of wondering why she did calll me of all people???

Whats the latest with everyone? I havent been on for so long as I had nothing new to report and was kind of hoping that the next time I posted that I will be able to have some good news. Its been 10mths since she's broken up with me now....

Welcome back Kit,

Still nothing here. She's been reaching out periodically but not getting personal about anything. Her 30th b-day is coming up in a couple weeks. Unknown whether she is seeing anyone. My sources of news make no effort to communicate with me. The ones who say they are my friends. Besides the ex, there only one person at my former job who calls me, and he does it like clockwork on the holidays, though he knows little. More of a professional base-touching thing.

Based on the sporadic phone calls and the conversations via IM when we do talk, I feel that she wants to be friends but that when she actually tries, there is too much emotion in it for her. Perhaps I am being hopeful, but I take that as a good sign.

It sounds to me like we are both on the same track.

Have you seen anyone else?

I find myself looking quite a bit now, but not making the move.

Every day that goes by I feel that I am closer to resolving all of this one way or another.

Hey Lost, we seem to be EXACTLy in the same position! My areas of contact near the ex havent been making an effort in finding out things or communicating anything across either.....like you said, you know who your true friends are from this!!! I look at it as more of a good thing as I dont know if I really want to find out if theres someone new in her life or what her plans are for the future. Maybe they are reaching out and feeling 'something' for us....what? I dont know....nor will I figure to ever know either? I do read stories and hear about things about people finding each other again after a yr or 2 and continuing on and marrying better than when they first met up! This is something that I look toward....its not holding onto hope, its more taking the 'high' road than the low....

I have gone out on a few dates, nothing that has eventuated however.....i didnt realise how hard it actually is to meet someone on the outside after breaking up in a long term relationship?

Well, it's only fair I guess, we started this adventure at the same time after all.

I did get some info a month ago or so by asking some questions of a former coworker and found out that some of the things I'd been told by another one about my ex were inaccurate. Dame people never understand the value of accurate reporting

Anyway, she is no longer telling me that nothing will ever happen, and instead saying that my ex is generally depressed, has gained a little weight, and needs to realize a few things before she come to her senses. That and a little analysis of the effects of socio-economic differences on relationships was about all I got, but the overall result was that I felt that things were not hopeless, but that nothing was going to happen in the short term.

I talked to the ex about that time about a work offer at her employer's that I turned down (and another offer they made that she didn't know about that I also turned down). Then we chatted online for several hours, with her asking what I was working on and how I liked the job. The first time she's asked about me or how I was since last year.

She made a comment out of the blue that I wasn't ever coming back there? I said if the offer was right I would consider it. She was quiet after that. I think she was hearing some finality in that and it was making her think.

Nothing since.

It's this on again off again thing that makes me think that she isn't quite sure of things. But she is able to distract herself when she's busy or involved with someone, so it isn't that important to her right now.

See, I am torn between doing the no contact or having some sort of contact.. The only thing (and this will sound selfish) is that I dont really want to ask her whats happening in her life etc simply cos Im not a part of it and Im prolly afraid on what her response will be (in case she has someone else etc).

So how do you go about chatting with urs??? I mean, do you ask intimate questions about her? Or how do you find topics to talk about? Im kinda worried that if we do meet and chat, it will be awkward and silent trying to step around particular subjects?

isn't it weird that most of the people on here are taking each others advice and they aren't really doing too good themselves. It hard to trust a forum like this, REMEMBER THAT PEOPLE...use your own discretion when heading peoples advice. Its like the BLIND, Leading the BLIND. Foloow your heart but use your head and trust your gut.

Originally posted by Guest

isn't it weird that most of the people on here are taking each others advice and they aren't really doing too good themselves. It hard to trust a forum like this, REMEMBER THAT PEOPLE...use your own discretion when heading peoples advice. Its like the BLIND, Leading the BLIND. Foloow your heart but use your head and trust your gut.

Good, if somewhat obvious, advice from the mystery guest.

Kit,

I've got the advantage that we used to work together and that she'd like to work with me again. So she calls or emails when things happen at work. The disadvantage is that we live about 40 minutes apart so our activities don't overlap and I'll never get that chance meeting.

On occassion, she just reaches out. I just ask how she is doing and let her talk. I established a long time ago that I didn't want to hear the details of her lovelife.

Over the last few months, I have shot her an instant message or email about once a month. We are back to point where she is comfortable chatting with me and will tell me about family etc, and now even ask about me. But it's a long way to go.

its definately progressing for you Lost, i remember back when we first started all of this how hard it was and how hard it was to get any sort of communication, and now its starting to turn around! Who knows? Things could still turn out??? Nothing wrong with looking at the 'good' big picture!

Yeah, but day to day it doesn't feel like it's working out.

Well, life moves on. I'm moving into a bigger place soon. Who knows maybe that will come in handy in the future.

If its easy to wait or to hope mate, there'd be a heap more single people out there waiting for that particular person, be it someone they've met and gone out with or someone they havent met but know they're still out there?

Im sure you've had some days where you've felt great about how you felt about the ex and what u want for the future of you two and you can happily carry on through the day? Then there are other days where its the opposite (like today!). Trick is to look happy, feel happy and stay on the 'high' road mate!

Hey lost, I was just thumbing around and found this thread. guess I can see how things have been.

Interesting question that I may pose to all of you......

Those of us doing the NC rule and not speaking with our respective other halves, I am sure that we would all agree that if we do meet up with our other half, that in making small talk, we dont really want to ask questions about their life, how they are, who they are seeing etc correct?

Now, for those of you who have said YES thats right, i dont want to know in fear of being further hurt, what if it was the other way around? What if you did meet up with that ex of yours and they started asking YOU about your life and about dating etc? Would that mean anything to you?