Trying to understand...how do you let go so easy?

Long story short...married in May of this year. Wife decided she was not as ready for marriage as she thought, moved out about a month ago. I tried everything to try to get her to work things out with me. 6 months is no time at all to be married and to give up. The catch - she met this guy here about 2 months ago and I caught her over his place alone (he has a roommate) at 1am in the morning. Blame passed to me for not trusting her. She said he was just a friend. She left me after 2nd time catching her over there (she was supposed to be studying at a friends house). She filed for divorce last week.

The past 2 months have been miserable and continue to be. I truly loved the girl and wanted to give her the world. But she has given up and now wants nothing to do with me. I sit and wait and think she might call, but she doesn't. Last time I heard from her was to tell me she had filed for divorce and that I should expect something in the mail. I just want to know how I can let go of this situation or a way to get this mess off my mind. Also, how the person you committed your life to can just give up after such a short time. I have read many of the posts here and feel as if the members here have valuable insight and advice. Please let me know what you think. If you want to know more, just ask. Thanks.

It happens everyday. People marry the wrong person...or at the wrong time. There's no way in hell you could possibly want to remain with a lady who is inclined to go to other men's places at one in the morning unless you have serious issues. Yessir, it hurts like hell because you loved this lady. You made a big mistake by giving your love to a person who didn't deserve it. We've all done that.

Fact is, she clearly told you she decided, a bit late, she wasn't ready to get married. You needed to respect that and let her out of her contract. It sounds like she's got a lot of growing up to do. In addition, she is devoid of character, morals, principals, a sense of committment, ethics and a lot of other things required of a person who is going to be a successful marriage partner for you.

I think you're the winner here and win the pain evaporates in a bit of time you'll realize that. Stay away from her. She's not for you. You may think you love her...but you ONLY love an idea.

Originally posted by Tony

In addition, she is devoid of character, morals, principals, a sense of committment, ethics and a lot of other things required of a person who is going to be a successful marriage partner for you.

How can you possibly come to all these drastic conclusions from the post that was made??

I think we need to remember that there are always two sides to every story...and we really weren't given much information here.

Notabadguy - What does SHE say are the reasons why she wants a divorce? I'm sorry you're having to go through this. It certainly sounds as if you both should have taken more time before deciding to get married.

I truly feel for you.You have to just try talking to her one time more.Do not plead or beg.You have to have respect for yourself. I WOULD MEET HER FOR DINNER,BE UPBEAT AND SEEM FRIENDLY.I would discuss everything and put your thoughts and your feelings on the line.You have to come across as a man willing to respect her wishes.You can not pressure her.Really the ball is in her court.I KNOW IT HURTS.i can understand all the love you have for her.She is confused.She is not thinking clearly.You should give it the best attitude and show her you do want you both to continue. So not blame or get into arguements.This will make it worse. After you spoke and based on her feelings,you should wait for her.In other words, if during the meeting she agrees to reconcile great.But, if not.Then you have no choice,but to respect her wishes and wait. MAYBE SHE WILL CHANGE HER MIND,IF SHE MISSES YOU.I HAVE A THREAD ON THE GETTING MARRIED SECTION.iT IS CALLED LOVE IS LIKE THE TITANIC.My story is a sad one also.you may read it.You should try and be strong during this time.I say pray everyday.God helps us .Good Luck, johnnywinner

"How can you possibly come to all these drastic conclusions from the post that was made??"

I have a secret calculation for doing so which I am not at liberty to reveal to the general public until 2028.

"It certainly sounds as if you both should have taken more time before deciding to get married."

You are quite right about that!!!

Tony, I appreciate your reply. Thank you for taking the time. I am not in search of answers here. I know they will eventually come in time. I think she does have alot of growing up to do also. It is apparent from her actions. As for the morality and ethical issue, this is the part I have a difficult time dealing with. She was raised in a strong religious family. In fact, her father married us with no hesitation. I took a good look at her family and her morals before I even considered the marriage thing. She was perfect in that respect. Our relationship was not without it ups and downs, but no relatiohship is as far as I am aware. I don't know if I made a mistake by loving the woman. At the time it was the most right thing to do. That is why it is so difficult. I have been in realtionships in the past I knew were wrong. This one never at one point let me to that conclusion. She just made choices that I cannot comprehend right now and may never. Thanks again for the post. It does mean alot to me during this difficult time.

Cindy0039, also, thank you for your response. I did not add many details because I did not want to bore people to death. But here is the answer to your question --> What does SHE say are the reasons why she wants a divorce? --> Intially, she was in the state where she did not know what she wanted to do, then, after I caught her the 2nd time, she moved out and got her things while I was in class one day.The reason here was that she said she didnt deserve to be treated like that - totally passing the balme to me. I am in grad school and it takes enormous amounts of time to suceed. This was one of the problems. I studied at the school library and would often come home rather late - not because I wanted to, but because it is waht I had to do. I did try studying at home, but there were too many distractions. At the school, I studied with some classmates/friends. We all kind of helped to motivate each other. On occassion, we would go out for a short time to relax for a few. It was a situation where she said my friends and school were more imporatant than her. That was not even close though. We had some communication problems and maybe she was intimidated by my educational level as well as my life experience. She was also in school. So we were both under some pressure with that. But outside of that, I have no reasons to give you. We did have differing opinions on life - she was more of a here and now type person and I am more of a work hard now so you can play hard later type of person. For instance, I look to the future and being able to take care of my family and being there for my family. She looked to living today and wrrying about tomorrow when it comes. I just wanted to be able to prepare myself to be be able to be there for my kids (i.e. sports, school, life) because that was one thing I was missing growing up. As for the school issue, we were together for 2+ years before we got married. We both knew what each other brought to the table. I thought we complemented each other well. I am not perfect and never will be, but I did try everthing I could to make this work. I mean, 6 months into the marriage and you are willing to give up? Does not make sense to me. I have never stepped out on the woman and never thought of it. I took my marital vows very seriously and wanted nothing mroe than to give her the world. But she has told me that I am selfish and that I will never be in a sucessful relationship until I am not selfish. I am the last person who anyone would think of as selfish. I said I would go to counseling, but she stated that it was too late for that. Hopefully I have at least partially answered your question. I know I sort of rambled on, so sorry. Please feel free to ask anything else. This is a learning experience for me. Was I wrong to check on her at this guys house after I had caught her there once before? This time she had hidden her car somewhere else and they cam out together and he drove her to her car - only a minute or two away. She was supposed to be over a friends house studying and when I called her on it, she said the study session had run late. I then asked her if she had seen or talked to this guy and she said no. What do you do? Was I in the wrong?

jonnywinner, I also thank you for taking time to reply. I know there are numerous posts you could have replied to and I thank you for taking the time to look here. As for your post, she will not have anything to do with me right now. I have put my thoughts and feelings on the line several times and have been mocked by here in front of her family and mine. She told me that she has dealt with the situation and moved on with her life and that I need to do the same. That I need to quit feeling sorry for myself and be in denial abou the sitution. I was even told that she woudl let me know when she filed for divorce so I could call my friends up to pat me on the back and say poor NotaBadGuy. The ball is in her court, I know this. But that court is full right now as she is preoccupied with the guy that I caught her with. I told her that we should just separate for a period of time, but she shot that down quicker than I could get it out of my mouth. I do respect her wishes, but I do not understand how she can give up like this. I know she once loved me even though she would deny that to the end. I think she is justifying her actions any way she can to pass the blame on me. I am the bad guy right now. The situation and her words have even made me feel that way at times. I am not a quitter, but I also have to look out for myself. She knows very well where I stand. I will check out your thread. Thanks again.

I look forward to hearing from you all again.

Notabadguy,

I hate liars and cheaters. Your ex has easily lied to you and apparently slept good at night. It amazes me how woman complain about the lack of decent guys in this world, only to scew it up! Once she get over her attitude about going for the quick reward and overlooking the big picture, she will reflect and regret.

I Know what is like to be in a graduate program. I recieved my MBA from a division one program. It takes fortitude, commitment, desire, and a great work ethic because the demands are so great. If she was not willing to unstand the sacrifices being made for a better future, then she is not on your level of maturity.

Sorry about the marriage, some people do not take marriage seriously. That is some of the problems in this world today. Hang in there!

notabadguy-

I am in the same boat. I have been married for 1.5 yrs, was with her for 5 years prior, moved across the counry twice for her schooling and carreer. Finally went make to get my masters. Her complaint was she didn't feel taken care of, that I didn't contribute enough. So, I got a part time job - teaching. This is a career that isn;t part time, and I jknew it would be difficult to do while going to school, but I wanted to show her I did want to contribute. However, she cheated on me on a business trip in DC with some guy she met in a bar. Then went and had lunch with him the enxt day. I have not got a cell phone bill yet to see how often she calls him, but I am sure they emial each other. The jealousy tears me up everyday. I was never jealous before. She also goes out late on week days, is in some trouble at work, has a new group of "friends," and when we saw each other last week, she admitted she was just being nice to see me, but she wanted to give it a fira chance, adn she felt she couldn't do that if we didn't see each other. I have been gone for two weeks and it is hell. I love, I respect her, but somehow, this isn' the girl I married. Like your wife, she has worked to go against every single moral standard she was held dear to the both of us.

My advice? None. This is want some women do. Look at this site, you'll find tons of guys just like us. The lady that replied is evidence. Sure, let's pin the balme on the guys since they obviously missed the signals. REagrdless of the facts that we have been cheated on and will never really be able to put this behind us. We are the ones alone, confused and unhappy. If a guy did this, he is ajerk; if a woman does it, she must have been ignored. However, I, and you should as well, cannot dwell on the things we would have said or done differently. In my opinion, anyone who is not willing to give marriage a chance after 1.5 yrs, much less 6 months, has some serious emotional issues they need to deal with. If they don't, not only will history repeat itself, but eventually they will have a melt down.

My question is how is she relating this to her family. My wife refuses to speak to her family about this. Partly because her mother comes from a simialr background as what she put me through, partly because I don't think she wants to deal with what she really has done. If you have advice or commetns on the family situaiton, I would love to hear.

Man, listen to me. I am a good guy. All her friedns have told me that... even she has. Somehow, women don't really wnat that I guess. But more importantly, we need to help each other. There are guys on this board who have been through more and are still in limbo and have been for months. That could be us soon. But we have to talk, we have to share, and we have to hurt together. Artistole called it catharsis - the pruging of emotions. This board can help with that I have found. Hang in there. One day at a time, and eveyday you have to dig deeper than before. Also, in the end, if you hold true to yourself, you will be all the stronger in the future.

Camaro

Maxmuscle, thanks for the reply. I agree with the demands that grad school places on you. It is difficult to put into words, but you stated it better than I could. Instant gratification versus delayed gratification. I guess I have chosen delayed gratification.

Camaro2727 - Your reply was very helpful. Thanks. To answer your question, she has told her family what they believe to be the truth. She is from a small town (less than 500 people), was home schooled through high school, and grew up in a religious family (her dad married us). She is the youngest daughter of 3 and her parents have never had to deal with issues such as these. I called them and let them know about her being at this guys house at 1am in the morning on each occassion. I let them know I wanted things to work. I told them of some of the other things that she was doing and saying. She would come up with an answer and counterclaim each and every time and made me look like I was the one in the wrong. She made up stories about being over this guys house that early in the morning by stating that she was there time #1 to pick something up and fell asleep on the couch and time #2 that she ended up over there because this guy was having probelms with his girlfrined and they went to his place to talk about it (but left her car somewhere else until 1am and then he drove her to it). I don't know how someone can come up with such stories, let alone expect someone to believe them. I am a very moral and ethical person and thought the same of her. That was one of the features about her I fell for. She was an exceptional and lovable person. She was my everything. And then to have this happen so early in the game - caught me off guard. As for her family, they were on my side for a long time. They encouraged her to work to make this work because it was not to the point at which it was not workale. Now, her family is totally against me and I am to blame for everything that has happened. I am selfish, self centered, manipulative, etc... I am not that person at all. I have taken school very seriously - I promised my grandfather in 96 that I would get my education. I was expected to be dead or in prison by 18 and now 9 years later I am soon going to have graduate degree. Go figure. It has not been an easy road by any means. It is not easy for anyone. As much as I want to blame myself for this, I know I have done nothing wrong. All her friends (at least the ones I know) have also told me I am not a bad guy. I dig deeper and deeper every day. Some days are easier than others, but I challenge myself to persevere. I look often to the quote by Teddy Rooselvelt - "The Man in the Arena." Good luck to you and keep your head up. Its times like these we find out who we really are and what we're made of. Keep me posted and hopefully I have given you the same helpful insight you have passed to me. Thanks again.

Going through a similar situation (kind of).

I married my wife last April. We had been together for 5 years prior to that.

About a month after marrying, my wife moved overseas (she works for the U.S. Navy). I followed her a few months after she left. I had to stay behind to take care of some loose odds and ends (moving overseas is a lot of work). Anyway, once I get here, she's distant to me, grouchy all the time, blah blah blah.

To make a long story short, she decided to have an affair in those months we were apart. Jesus, we just got married, I thought! She said the guy "treated her like a princess." I asked her if I treated her like a princess, she said "yes." So I don't know what the problem is.

Now, I have no clue what to do. I'm here in a foregin country, can't speak the language, I quit my job, sold my car, got rid of my apartment, etc. in the U.S., thinking we'd be here for 3 years. She really f'ed up my life.

The stupid thing is I really love this girl. I'd be willing to work things out with her. I don't think she wants to though. She's back and forth. I think I'll end up moving back to the states and starting over. That will be tough.

Where am I going with this? Don't know. Just writing it down.

Indy, sounds like you are in a pretty rough spot too. I at least have some friends here to sort of support me. Sounds like you are all alone in a new environment. Just married in April? Man, I know where you are. I cannot figure it out to save my life. The women we dedicated out lives to needed to let us know from the beggining that they were not ready or whatever the case may be. I mean, we did not force the women to get married. And then for them to be comforted and consoled by some loser who is man enough to step into such a position with a married woman. Who is worse? The man for taking advantage of the woman in a somewhat vulnerable position telling them what they know they want to hear or the woman for falling for the crap? I don't know. I pass between the stages of anger and hurt like I'm riding a ferris wheel. I just don't know what the heck my woman expected. I committed myself to her. We were both in school. We both knew it would be tough until school was done, but had the realistic expectation that it would only make us stronger. I gave myself to her like I have no other only to be decieved in the end. She filed for divorce last week. She won't even consider a reconcilaition. I told myself that I would never deal with a woman who steps out one me, but against my better judgment, I would do that for this girl - and she knows it. She is in a place with this guy right now where he parts water or so it seems. She does not seem as if this whole divorce and split bother her at all. It is like she has moved on with her life with him. Maybe its shame on me for taking my marital vows seriously and believing that we would always be together. But its still tough to be tougher than leather when you know your wife has taken refuge in anothers arms - arms that knew the situation and took advantage of it. I know the stereotypes that men in general have to succomb to in these situations as being a contributor to the breakup. I admit I am not perfect and that I may have made some minor mistakes along the way, but never did I do anything or even think about comprimising my relationship with the woman I endeared and cared so much about. She was my world and I wanted to give her the world. And in the end, the world has taken her from me. How do you ultimately cope with this? I don't know. Good luck and stay strong. Best of wishes.

Originally posted by NotaBadGuy

Cindy0039, also, thank you for your response.

Was I wrong to check on her at this guys house after I had caught her there once before? ... Was I in the wrong?

No, I don't think you were wrong to check on her. As her husband, you have a right to know what she's up to.

It sounds like you're sure she's cheated on you and perhaps moved on with this new guy. If that's the case, I'm sorry you're going through that. Nobody deserves that. But if she's stopped loving you and doesn't want to be married to you any longer, would you really WANT her to stay?

I realize you feel that she didn't give things a chance, and you may be right. But you can't live in the past and keep thinking "what if." Unfortunately, you can't control her thoughts. You have to live in the present and look to the future...your own future. I think you're getting good support from friends and the other guys on this forum who have been through similar situations. I wish you luck.

Originally posted by camaro2727

My advice? None. This is want some women do. Look at this site, you'll find tons of guys just like us. The lady that replied is evidence. Sure, let's pin the balme on the guys since they obviously missed the signals. REagrdless of the facts that we have been cheated on and will never really be able to put this behind us. We are the ones alone, confused and unhappy. If a guy did this, he is ajerk; if a woman does it, she must have been ignored.

Excuse me, but if you're referring to my post on this thread (and as far as I know, I'm the only woman who's posted), you are mistaken if you think I tried to pin the blame for this on the guy. I never said anything about missed signals or that she must have been ignored, so I don't know where you're getting that.

I'm sorry if you're bitter towards your ex right now, but try not to take it out on all women or assume that we're all alike. We're not. I hope your pain eases soon.

Cindy0039 -

Thanks for the reply. I believed I had the right to know what she was doing as her husband. She sure didn't think so. I was the jerk for not trusting her. I don't know that she absolutly has moved on with this guy, but have a deep suspicion that she has. She is laying low right now until the divorce is final is my guess. She probably does not want there to be any more reason for fault on her part. Right now, she filed for inreconcileable differences. And you're right, no one does deserve this. I know of many men who do many things wrong in their relatioships - including picking up women at the club - and they live the carefree life of no consequences. Then you have the "good" guys who want o give nothing but all we have to our women, and we get dismantled and rolled over by women. I guess nice guys do finish last. I do love the girl, but I did not marry her to be a doormat or a "lesson" in life as she would call it. In the end, she looses out, not me. One day, maybe when I'm around to see, maybe not, she will wake up out of her stupor and realize that she lost a man that truly love her, cared about her, and wanted nothing but the best for her. But then again, that may not be what women want. What do I know?