Selfish father now claims to want to be there.

I am going to try and make this as short as possible with all the details needed.

About a year ago me and my ex split up. At the time our son was only 1 yr old. We split up because he was menally, verbally and eventually physically abusive. The first 6 months after we split up, he was in and out of our sons life. He would see him here and there for a couple of hours at a time when it was conveinent for him. I would email him everyday asking if he was going to see our son that day. I was trying extremely hard to keep him in my son's life. To top all of that off, he has never given me any money to help support our son.

In the last 6 months, he hasn't seen him at all. Every once in a while I will get an email asking me when I will tell him when he can see him. I respond to that by telling him that he can see him when he proves to me that he is ready to be a part of his life for good, on a regular basis. Him coming in and out of his life is not fair to our son.

I don't want to keep my son from his father. That is not my intention. But, I also know how this man is. He is the perfect example of a narcisist (sp). Everything is always about him. I believe that you should always put your children first and if you truly want to spend time with them, then you will make the time. He has children from a previous relationship that he has not seen in a year. And he lived with their mother for the first 4 and 6 years of their lives. He had a relationship with these children and now hasn't seen them in that long. I am just trying to describe what type of person he is.

My problem is...he has emailed me about 3 times in the last 2 weeks wanting to know how our son is and when he can see him. He claims that he is taking medication now that is making him a "happy person" and he had to get some stuff straightened out in his life but now he is ready to be a daddy again. I don't know if I should believe him or not. From his history, I keep thinking that as soon as my son gets used to seeing him again, he is gonna disappear and then try and come back a few months later. I cannot and will not do this to my son. Not again. He is only 2 yrs. old. But, I don't want to be the one who is responsible for him not having a relationship with his father.

I just want to do what is in the best interest of my son but I am truly torn as to what to do. Anybody have any advice?

I went through this with my kid's dad. I made some mistakes.

If I had to do it over again..I would let him see the kids as long as he is seeking professional help, but keeps the visits supervised. Also, keep the visits brief until he can show his worthiness.

Thanks for your reply. The thing is, I know he won't seek professional help. He doesn't seem to think there is anything wrong with him. Even after he nearly killed me one night he still had the nerve to blame it on me. I know that is typical with abusers. I feel bad and like I should give him another chance to be in his son's life but then I ask myself "how many chances do I give him?" Enough to leave my son emotionally scarred for the rest of his life? Or do I just say he has had enough and until he takes me to court to get visitation, he cannot see him? And that is another thing. I know he won't take me to court because he doesn't want to pay child support. So no way, legally, will I ever have to allow him to see him. But I just want to do what is best for my son. Sorry, now I am rambling.

Luvtoto, when will I know that he is worthy? After he keeps his end of the visitations and prove to me that he is gonna be there?

Luvtoto, when will I know that he is worthy? After he keeps his end of the visitations and prove to me that he is gonna be there?

Oh, I can so easily answer that question now. Looking back on what I learned.

He will be worthy when he starts doing things by the book, and not in this under-handed, shady fashion anymore. He's committing a crime by not paying your son's child support. It's illegal, and jail is where he is headed.

The only leg he has to stand on is to manipulate you.

If he really wants to see his son, he'll step up to the plate. It's about HIM doing what's right for your son. This is HIS responsibility and his problem, not yours.

But, I don't want to be the one who is responsible for him not having a relationship with his father.

Do you really believe that?

A couple of things. First of all I would decidedly file for child support. Your child is owed that and the father needs to be held accountable for having helped bring him into the world.

As for the rest, my wife went through that with her ex and their two daughters. He turned out to be an alcoholic drug user which is why she left him when the girls were 18 months and just four. He drifted in and out of their lives for years, never being dependable except for a brief time when he was married to someone else. Typical pattern. Marry another woman and suddenly want to prove you're super dad. But it didn't last.

The girls are now adults (30 and 32) and they do have some issues regarding their father who died a year after their mother and I married 10 years ago. However, it's something my wife could not fully protect them from because of who and what he was and because it was not within her span of control. You simply can't make someone a good parent who doesn't have it in them to be one.

One thing my wife did do was encourage her daughters to have their own, unfluenced relationships with their father so they would know him on their own terms, not hers or anyone else's. However, if he'd been drinking or using, all bets were off and she withheld visitation until he was clean and sober and/or had it supervised.

It's a tought spot to be in because you only want what's best for your son but like it or not, he does have two parents and he deserves to be able to know them both, even if it's sometimes painful.

Thank you both for your replies.

Luvtoto, I guess what I was trying to say is that I don't want to get blamed for them not having a relationship when my son gets older.

Curmudgeon, I don't know how to do quotes, but you said...Typical pattern. Marry another woman and suddenly want to prove you're super dad.

A friend said they saw him out at the grocery with a girl, which is fine with me, but what I wonder is if this is the reason he wants back in, because he has someone to take care of him now or because she is urging him to be there for his son.

He sent me another email today and said that he had gotten diagnosed as bipolar and he says that he is taking meds for it now and feeling much better. He wants to be there for his son and teach him the things that he knows and show him off. The show him off part I didn't like but maybe he just used the wrong words. I basically told him that if he is going to be a father than he is going to do it all the way. I told him that we are going to set up a visitation and if he misses more than one, than he is done. And he is going to pay me support. I told him that he either has to step in or step out, there is no in between anymore. I am waiting for him to reply to it. I was also thinking of coming up with a list of questions I wanted to know, like if he drinks anymore, and wanting to see the prescription he is taking and just stuff like that. I believe it is my right to know if he is going to be around my son. Is that over-stepping my boundaries?

The reason I told him that he is done if he misses more than one is because he used to say he was going to pick him up and then never show for different amount of reasons all the time. He did this on a weekly basis, so I am not dealing with it anymore. I guess I am doing the right thing, I just hope my son doesn't get hurt from it. Any more advice or comments are highly welcomed and appreciated.

I basically told him that if he is going to be a father than he is going to do it all the way. I told him that we are going to set up a visitation and if he misses more than one, than he is done. And he is going to pay me support. I told him that he either has to step in or step out, there is no in between anymore.

You did the right thing. Don't feel guilty for putting your foot down with your ex. His feelings come second to your son's welfare.

How is he getting away with not paying childsupport? Is he employed?

Yes he is employed. I just have not taken him to court yet. I know, that part is my fault. I have been going back and forth with this as well. I know that my son deserves the support from two parents but then I think about it and as of right now, his father has no legal rights to him and if he not going to be there in his life, what is the point of giving him rights? And on top of that I would always think of the fact that I wouldn't get much anyways. He doesn't make much and he is already paying support on 2 other children. I just don't know if it is really worth it. If he got legal visitation rights I am afraid that he would use them against me. For example not seeing him for a year, but once Christmas came around then he would want to exercise is rights and take him. He is very manipulative like this and I could definately see him using his visitation rights just to hurt me. And I also know that if I did take him for child support he would take me for visitation. I know that sometimes they will do those together the same day.

Thanks for your reply. The thing is, I know he won't seek professional help. He doesn't seem to think there is anything wrong with him. Even after he nearly killed me one night he still had the nerve to blame it on me. I know that is typical with abusers. I feel bad and like I should give him another chance to be in his son's life but then I ask myself "how many chances do I give him?" Enough to leave my son emotionally scarred for the rest of his life? Or do I just say he has had enough and until he takes me to court to get visitation, he cannot see him? And that is another thing. I know he won't take me to court because he doesn't want to pay child support. So no way, legally, will I ever have to allow him to see him. But I just want to do what is best for my son. Sorry, now I am rambling.

 

Luvtoto, when will I know that he is worthy? After he keeps his end of the visitations and prove to me that he is gonna be there?

If you really want to do whats right , you will facilatate contact without your own emotional status imprinted onto your sons relationship with his Dad . If you worry about your ex's actions , you can have supervised visits , make them easy simple even , better if the visits are supervised by someone else that you can trust , try to set one day every two weeks then more , and if your ex shows then yep he's interested . That way your son will know that no matter how screwed up his dad is or was he wanted to see him and be a part of his life , he may not have given money to his mom , but he loved his son.

It is not up to you to decide wether your ex is worthy , time will show that but that will be something that his son decides. Don't put restraints or expectations on your ex , just that he show and hopefully be sober . And let the situation be and see if it will evolve naturally.

Tink, thank you for your input. I guess using "worthy" may have been the wrong choice of word. I know that eventually my son will be the one to decide what type of relationship he has with his father but right now he is only 2 yrs old. I have to make that choice for him and do what is best for him. I just dont want him to be hurt by his father again. At this point, it has been long enough that my son doesn't even know who his dad is anymore. It is going to take a while before I can leave him with him by himself without me or another family member being there. But, if his dad truly wants to be in his life, he will do what it takes. I am not trying to make it difficult for his father but he has a lot of stepping up to do to be a real father. He has already given up seeing his other two children and I guess I just fear him deciding he doesn't want to be in my son's life after he has already established a relationship with him.

I think you're right to question his sincerity about wanting to see your son. If he is truly a narcissist as you stated, he may very well be concerned with the appearance of being a good father to this new girl rather than actually becoming one. I think your instincts are dead-on with that.

You really should refrain from emails. What you put in writing could be held against you later. Just a thought.

You need to file immediately for child support. Child support begins on the date you file, not from the day your son was born. You need to get to the courthouse ASAP. Like today.

He may and you can suggest he file for visitation at the time of the support hearing. Without a court order there is nothing that says you need to let him see your son.

If you are truly concerned about him visiting with your son because he is flighty and immature, say no. Without a court order which he's yet to obtain, you are within the law in doing so.

Trust your feelings and do what makes you most comfortable.

Thankyou Amaysngrace. That is my problem tho. I do not know what my gut is telling me at this point. I am so confused. Part of me is saying go ahead and trust him just one more time but the other part is telling me that there is no point in wasting my time because it will only last a few months and then he will be gone again.

I actually prefer to deal with him by email. I honestly don't think anything I say can be used against me later becauseI haven't said anything in that nature, but you never know. I do, however, save every email that we send back and forth and I keep a calendar of when he did pick him up and the days that he was supposed to and never did. There is so much in there that would prove just how flighty he is. I'm not saving them to necessarily use them against him just mainly to cover my own a$$ just in case he ever does try to pull something.

I guess I have a lot of thinking still to do. I know that no one can make this decision for me but any advice or experiences are still very welcomed and appreciated.

That is my problem tho. I do not know what my gut is telling me at this point. I am so confused. Part of me is saying go ahead and trust him just one more time but the other part is telling me that there is no point in wasting my time because it will only last a few months and then he will be gone again.

 

Do you know him well? Then you should just let his past speak for itself. You are a good-hearted person. That's apparent. You put your son first and you try to do what's right. You don't want to hurt your son by keeping him from his father but at the same time you don't want to allow your son to get attached and then hurt by him.

It's a tough place to be in for sure.

My exH is narcisstic as well. He messes with my kids so badly it's not even funny. My nine year old son asked if he could divorce his dad.

He makes my kids feel pretty insignificant. I hate that about him. But if he asks to see them I send them. Our visitation order is "liberal - to be mutually decided by both parties". But he still bails regularly on them after they've cancelled plans they could have had. It really sucks for them.

I'm like you. I try my very best to let my kids know their dad loves them. I try to put their feelings first in every situation. It's really hard though when you seem like a liar at times because he won't come through.

I fear he is damaging their esteems.

No, nobody can tell you what to do. And if you're like me you will try to preserve the relationship between your son and his dad the best you can.

It's just really messed up when one parent doesn't even seem like they give a crap. They don't see the effects their actions are having.

I don't really have any great words of wisdom. But I want you to know that I know exactly how you feel.

Thanks again Amaysn. Yes I do know him very well. As I mentioned before he has two children from a previous relationship. Their mother moved out of state about 1 1/2 years ago. He has seen them once since then and that was 1 year ago. He hasn't even attempted to see them since then. He always comes up with excuses that he doesn't have the money or the time to take off work. To me, I would do everything in my power to see my children, he hasn't done anything. I know that it doesn't really relate to my problem, but I am just trying to point out what kind of father he has been to all of his children.

Earlier you said....... I think you're right to question his sincerity about wanting to see your son. If he is truly a narcissist as you stated, he may very well be concerned with the appearance of being a good father to this new girl rather than actually becoming one. I think your instincts are dead-on with that.

This qoute really got to me and made me think because like I said in one of his emails he says he wants to show him off. To who? To try and show everyone how "great" of a father he is? Ok I'm sorry now I am just venting, it's just that I am so confused. I know I am going to have to at least let him attempt to see him but I just haven't figured out how yet. I am not gonna leave him there by himself but I am not sure that I trust him around me for me to stay there but I don't know who else I would have. Aagh! I hate this!!

If it makes you feel any better, my exH went over and beyond trying to impress his GF with my kids. They went places, did things, hung out just the four of them and my kids always seemed to have a great time.

They got married almost a year ago. She's a nurse and she absolutely loves my children. She's better to them than he is. I've never really met her but once but from what my kids tell me she seems pretty good to them.

He unfortunately is still the same guy.

If you do let him have your son, he may try really hard to make sure he has a good time. It may only be temporary or maybe this girl will have a positive influence on your ex. Who knows?

I know what you mean about appearances. My exH will call the day he's suppose to see the kids. Even though I ask him over and over to call sooner in the week. He doesn't.

But for Christmas, he called a whole week in advance to make sure he'd get them when he wanted to get them. He was having a housefull of people and how would it look if his kids weren't there?

Anyway, I guess maybe you should just brace yourself to see the situation that you're in. You aren't going to change it. You aren't going to change your ex. The best thing you can really do is just accept the fact that you can't change it.

I've noticed the more I make a fuss over something the more he seems to get off. If you can adapt an attitude of indifference towards him and not let him know he's getting to you, that may be your best bet.

And good for you for documenting everything. Keep doing that.

Thanks again Amaysn. You really are making me feel better about the situation. So, do you think it would be better to take him to court and get everything court ordered with child support and visitation? Or do you think I should leave it be for now with him having no legal rights and wait until he proves to me that he is going to be there? Thanks in advance.

So, do you think it would be better to take him to court and get everything court ordered with child support and visitation?

Visitation is up to him to file. If he does it or not is out of your hands.

But if I were you I'd get support. Know why? Cause f^ck him!

I know in my heart that if I ever were to present it to my ex to be gone forever and never pay another dime to the children he'd go. He'd be out of their lives tomorrow.

Money means more to him than they do.

Anyway, I'm glad I was able to help you feel a little better. It can get very emotional when kids are involved. Trust me I know. It just really pisses you off that he's not the man that he should be.

But take comfort in knowing you didn't raise him. And hopefully with minimal contact, your son will turn out worlds better than he did.

Afterall, he has a good mama!

Oh almost forgot, if you go for support make sure you file for custody.

Thanks so much Amaysn. When his ex took him for child support, he didn't file anything, but they went ahead and ironed the visitation schedule out right there at the same time. I guess I just know that he would use the visitation against me. I will just have to wait and see how things go I guess and see if he really means what he says. No point in wasting my time if he doesn't.

And I will definately file for sole custody. Thanks.

I guess I just know that he would use the visitation against me.

Would you please elaborate on this statement? How might he use the visitation against you? What worries you the most?

Would you please elaborate on this statement? How might he use the visitation against you? What worries you the most?

I know exactly what she means. She doesn't want her son sitting by the door with his bags packed excited to see his daddy and he not show up.

It will hurt her as much as it will hurt her son.

I think that's what she means.

Amaysn, you are partially correct. That is one of the reasons I think he could use it against me. He has told me so many times that he was going to pick him up and then calls me later to say oh no never mind I can't, I have to do this or that. I don't want him making false promises to a child.

The other reason is he will get certain holidays that are his for visitation. I don't want him to not see my son for however many months and then all of a sudden at Christmas time, him want to have him that morning just because it is his day. He would do that just to get at me. Everyone who celebrates Christmas wants to spend it with their children and have them that morning. I just don't think it would be right for him to be able to do this just to spite me.

The thing that I am most afraid of is him having rights. We have never been able to agree on anything. He is very mean-spirited and manipulative and I know he would use my son against me just because he could. He claims to be a changed man but how do I know for sure. He said he got diagnosed bipolar and he was on and off his meds for a while and that was making him angry and depressed but now he has been on them for 2 months straight. How do I know he won't go on and off them again? I guess I cannot know that answer because I can't see the future but it just worries me because I do not know what this "man" is capable of.

The other reason is he will get certain holidays that are his for visitation.

I had a lawyer draw up ours. It came in the divorce decree. I told you about it before. It's liberal. Mutually agreed upon.

You could ask for it in light of the fact that he hasn't really had an active role in his life so far. You could ask the judge to allow you both to use descretion. But in order to do that you have to be nice about visits now. You have to begin to work with him. Let him see your son whenever he asks for him. This way he'll think you're willing to work it out with him. No matter what. And he won't fight you on it.

Plus support is based partially on the amount of time he has with the child. If he knows he's going to be in and out he may realize he runs the risk of a support increase due to him not seeing the child as often as he is ordered to. You may want to remind him of that. If it's set in stone and he screws up your son will get more money.

If Christmas becomes uncomfortable for you just say no. If it's not mutually agreed upon than too bad. What's he going to do? Take you to court? It takes weeks to get before a judge where I live. How about you?

You have to play it safe and smart when you deal with someone who's manipulative. Try to always stay one step ahead of them.

Amaysn, you are partially correct. That is one of the reasons I think he could use it against me. He has told me so many times that he was going to pick him up and then calls me later to say oh no never mind I can't, I have to do this or that. I don't want him making false promises to a child.

 

The other reason is he will get certain holidays that are his for visitation. I don't want him to not see my son for however many months and then all of a sudden at Christmas time, him want to have him that morning just because it is his day. He would do that just to get at me. Everyone who celebrates Christmas wants to spend it with their children and have them that morning. I just don't think it would be right for him to be able to do this just to spite me.

 

The thing that I am most afraid of is him having rights. We have never been able to agree on anything. He is very mean-spirited and manipulative and I know he would use my son against me just because he could. He claims to be a changed man but how do I know for sure. He said he got diagnosed bipolar and he was on and off his meds for a while and that was making him angry and depressed but now he has been on them for 2 months straight. How do I know he won't go on and off them again? I guess I cannot know that answer because I can't see the future but it just worries me because I do not know what this "man" is capable of.

Most courts will iron things out for you if you are not able to figure them out between you two. Like I stated before you should allow visitation supervised , and you can't know wether or not he will show untill you give it a try. If he dosen't show , I could understand not wanting it to upset your son. But what then? Do you never allow him to see his Dad again?

your statement above , you said every parent wants to spend Christmas morning with their child ? What about your ex spending it with his child ?

The courts if you are both amiable will allow either a holliday spent together or traded hollidays.