Not setting a sexual tone on dates

I kind of struggle with this.

I used be shy. Nowdays, if I am out with the guy I am attracted to (and my threshold for this is getting lower and lower) I just want to touch him and make out right away. And I do just that. The more physical moves I make, the easier they are to make and the faster I make them.

This is kind of a problem since guys start thinking sex right away. They usually try to talk me into coming to my place or me going to theirs on date #1. I feel like they never take me seriously. At that pace - it's really hard not to have sex on date #2. I do resist having full on sex but I am just coming across as a tease. Dates become a struggle where they are trying to have sex with me and I am trying to say no! in a playful manner. It's like they are not interested in getting to know me anymore

The only times where I have resisted making a move on the first date is when I am not attracted to the guy at all.

Getting physical really quickly is very hard for me to resist.

I am curious: guys what would you think of a girl who makes a move on you on date 1 (like a full on long make out session) and then refuses to go further on the next few dates?

I am curious: guys what would you think of a girl who makes a move on you on date 1 (like a full on long make out session) and then refuses to go further on the next few dates?

First of all what kind of relationship are you looking for Ocean Girl? If you're looking for a casual relationship where you look just to have fun then get as sexual as you want... If fun is your primary goal then I say go ahead indulge yourself. However if you are looking for something else, say a LTR then I would hold off with the sex for awhile. This is just the way I look at, and just as a disclaimer I really I have no experience with anything involving sex.

I am looking for a LTR.

It's also hard as I have never had an (immediate) negative reaction from guys to making a physical move early. Nobody has ever pulled back even slightly - they are all into it and try to escalate.

I agree with n0se here. It sounds as if sex, and getting physical is something you enjoy, however you need to show some restraint if a LTR is what you're after. Getting physical too early can send the wrong message to some guys. You could potentially chase off some guys looking for a LTR or you could attract guys that are just looking to hit it and quit it so to speak.

The later group of guys are only willing to stay with you so long if you don't give them what they're after.

I say get to know them before you're to physical. Don't make out on the first date, just give them a simple peck. Second date try making making out a little. IMO sex should come much later, like the 4th or 5th date or so.

The reason why I say this is I'm a guy looking for a LTR. If the girl I was dating started having sex with me on only the second date I'd be very put off. First I'd question what she was looking for, an LTR or casual dating. Then I'd think if she put out for me on the 2nd date who's to say she isn't doing that with other guys? If I was dating you this thought would be a bit disturbing. Also remember... if a guy truely likes you he will stay with you even if you reject his initial physical advances.

Basically what I'm saying is tease them but don't go all of the way until later as I mentioned. Part of the thrill for us men is the chase, obtaining the unobtainable.

Dont tease. If you want a quality guy, you dont want to make yourself out to be a game for some guy.

Just tell the guy straight up that you are the touchy feely type but sexually you want to take it slow. I mean you are an adult in your 30s. You should be able to be assertive and upfront.

Dont tease. If you want a quality guy, you dont want to make yourself out to be a game for some guy.

 

Just tell the guy straight up that you are the touchy feely type but sexually you want to take it slow. I mean you are an adult in your 30s. You should be able to be assertive and upfront.

You know... I always believe honesty is the best policy.. I'm going to have to go with what what this user said. I went against my principals here, I basically told you to do the very same thing the girl I'm dating is doing to me.

I am curious: guys what would you think of a girl who makes a move on you on date 1 (like a full on long make out session) and then refuses to go further on the next few dates?

OG, I thought you said you've only had sex with 4 or 5 guys, ever, at 32. How are you having a hard time resisting second date sex?

I think part of the problem is that you're initiating these makeout and sex sessions, in pretty aggressive ways. Examples: practically mounting the last guy while at a bar, initiating sex with a guy in your car... This behavior would lead plenty of guys to think sex is all YOU are after, and any statement thereafter that you want to go slow would come across as a cock tease. Plus, if you seem to be offering up free sex, most guys will take it because you're attractive, regardless of whether they're into you or not. But then you'll get a false sense of intimacy, and expect more. Obviously, it's a problem otherwise you wouldn't have acknowledged it.

How about letting the guy lead the physical pace of the relationship, while you apply (or not) the brakes to keep it slow?

I am curious: guys what would you think of a girl who makes a move on you on date 1 (like a full on long make out session) and then refuses to go further on the next few dates?

I personally prefer affection appropriate to our relevant level of intimacy. On the first date, from my perspective, the person is a stranger. Sure, I'll acknowledge basic physical attraction; it's noted. What it tells me is there is a basis for *wanting* to become physically intimate at some point in the future if intimacy and compatibility follow. Disclaimer: I don't have interest in casual or random sexual relationships. I've also dealt with a lifetime of women who show sexual/physical interest and then shut it off like a light switch regardless of the progression of intimacy. Uniformly, they've shown themselves to be broken or otherwise damaged psychologically. Seeing a few examples out long-term has supported this perspective. Making poor choices can be a teacher.

OP, from another thread, it sounds like there are a lot of pressing issues on your plate right now. My advice would be to back away a bit from men and deal with them. I hope it works out. Happy holidays

OG, I thought you said you've only had sex with 4 or 5 guys, ever, at 32. How are you having a hard time resisting second date sex?

 

I think part of the problem is that you're initiating these makeout and sex sessions, in pretty aggressive ways. Examples: practically mounting the last guy while at a bar, initiating sex with a guy in your car... This behavior would lead plenty of guys to think sex is all YOU are after, and any statement thereafter that you want to go slow would come across as a cock tease. Plus, if you seem to be offering up free sex, most guys will take it because you're attractive, regardless of whether they're into you or not. But then you'll get a false sense of intimacy, and expect more. Obviously, it's a problem otherwise you wouldn't have acknowledged it.

 

How about letting the guy lead the physical pace of the relationship, while you apply (or not) the brakes to keep it slow?

Maybe she had a long drought. That was the case for me once, and, I was like a kid in a candy shop when the opportunity finally presented itself.

That plus, I was highly attracted to him, so I pounced.

But I agree with you. It's best, to let the non-physical intimacy develop first and reserve such moments for when you are well into the relationship.

I think what carhill says is interesting, and I pretty much go with the same vibe. I don't make out on a first date because it seems awkward. The person is a stranger. I suppose if I understood and engaged in casual sex, it'd make sense, but for me, someone who looks for LTRs, it doesn't.

That's not to say I'm not touchy feely. . . I am. I remember touching my current boyfriend's arm and even leaning my head against his shoulder briefly on our first date. I really wanted to kiss him, but we wound up not even kissing till the second date, because it started to rain (we were outside) and the date ended abruptly. The physical attraction was still awesome, and sometimes savouring all the kissing you're not doing and sex you're not having with that person (yet!) is fun and sexy and amazing too. . . if that makes sense. That said, when we did start kissing, it wasn't long till we were making out (though always with clothes on and not in bedrooms, and not horizontal. . . that stuff to me is teasing), and we still waited awhile for sex.

I've never had to say, "I wait awhile for sex" to a guy. I just wait. If a guy pushes me for sex early on in a way that feels like pressure, I generally don't go out with him again. I feel like good guys generally want the woman to set the pace on things like that. Though I understand, these guys could be getting mixed messages if you're mixed up yourself.

Re-reading, and in deference to the OP, I have to wonder if, in a different way, my 'style' of intimacy progression is exactly or tangentially relevant to my past difficulties with romantic relationships. Hmm.... It's like, by sending out signals which are generally different from what women are used to receiving from a man, they sense, even if improperly, that I'm *not* interested in them sexually, diffusing any attraction they might otherwise have. I know someone I can ask about this and will do so.

OP, say you are overtly affectionate on a date, even an early date, and the man, in response, returns your affection but doesn't escalate it. How would you feel about that?

I am looking for a LTR.

 

It's also hard as I have never had an (immediate) negative reaction from guys to making a physical move early. Nobody has ever pulled back even slightly - they are all into it and try to escalate.

That's because you are very attractive. Only gay guys and really hard core moral type guys would ever stop an attractive girl from making out with them.

If you want a LTR though, you need to cool the jets a little. You're putting the guy into the wrong state of mind. Sure he will like it, but are you looking for his happiness or your own? It's obvious this isn't making you happy, so change it up. Make him earn it. If he doesn't want to, I assure you with your looks, there are 10 more that will. Make him like you as a person and as a sexy body. This combination is the key to a happy LTR, I'm still working on it myself.

Re-reading, and in deference to the OP, I have to wonder if, in a different way, my 'style' of intimacy progression is exactly or tangentially relevant to my past difficulties with romantic relationships. Hmm.... It's like, by sending out signals which are generally different from what women are used to receiving from a man, they sense, even if improperly, that I'm *not* interested in them sexually, diffusing any attraction they might otherwise have. I know someone I can ask about this and will do so.

 

OP, say you are overtly affectionate on a date, even an early date, and the man, in response, returns your affection but doesn't escalate it. How would you feel about that?

I don't think you should change your physical progression style, if it steps outside of your own personal boundaries. I personally appreciate when a man isn't groping, but can still show physical affection, in a way that lets the woman know he wants to be physically affectionate with her. I find it to be an attractive trait.

I don't think you should change your physical progression style, if it steps outside of your own personal boundaries. I personally appreciate when a man isn't groping, but can still show physical affection, in a way that lets the woman know he wants to be physically affectionate with her. I find it to be an attractive trait.

I second this, entirely. A very attractive trait indeeed.

The only times where I have resisted making a move on the first date is when I am not attracted to the guy at all.

Edited to add that, while I do follow what I feel is my own healthy 'style', I do acknowledge the general male perspective that an opportunity passed is an opportunity lost. IOW, for most men, save for those very few of us who can exercise their libido without reservation due to being universally attractive, when a woman signals sexual availability, they know if they don't act immediately, they've lost out on that opportunity. It's part of the psyche of nearly all males. I choose to ignore it but I accept that it's there. The ignoral forms part of my personal boundaries and perhaps what differentiates human males from a male dog smelling a bitch in heat.

Can you envision not 'making a move' but rather showing enthusiasm for the shared company and towards making a future date to further that sharing? I sense, perhaps improperly, that a woman is interested from her enthusiasm and acceptance of future dates. Am I getting that wrong? What's your perspective on that?

I've always considered this to be generally true as well, though I've always shown some affection and physicality if I'm interested as well.

I never really think of it as "making a move." I guess that sounds silly to me---because it sounds so strategic. And I figure I can get pretty much any unattached male to sleep with me if I want to, in part because of the biological response you outlined in your post.

The only times where I have resisted making a move on the first date is when I am not attracted to the guy at all.

 

Getting physical really quickly is very hard for me to resist.

I'm like that too and I've put the moves on guys and I've never had someone not want a relationship because of that.

I've found that when they like you it makes it easier for them and it breaks the ice, since they are not sure sometimes how you'll react if they try.

Is just that the guys I like don't want a relationship period, no matter what I do.

I remember an unnamed LS'er telling me she 'loved me' and my response was 'wow, that's amazing but I don't think I know you well enough to feel that way. I do tell my friends I love them'. I'd have no problem saying the same thing about sexual advances, no matter how 'attractive' the woman. If I don't know her well enough to feel *shared* intimacy, she'll need to get her sex from another male who has a different perspective. So, if the OP was rubbing up on me on the first date, I'd likely tastefully pull back. 'I find you attractive but I don't know you well enough to act the way you're acting right now'.

I see it as incompatible sexual and intimacy styles. Obviously, she's not 'wrong'. She's expressing how she feels, I presume. I'm just not on the same page. No prejudice.

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OG, ya can't have it both ways. If you get physical you must expect that in return. Ask yourself how you'd feel if it were the other way around. Consider what it might be like to be a man in your age range and have a woman signal through her physical advances that he's accepted--hell, even encouraged or expected to respond. What's a guy to do? Thinking that one can just have it all their way is making it all about them and not about being a sharing couple. Sorry, but I'm afraid the only answer is for you to contain the impulse just as you would want someone else to do so. It's an investment in relationship development.

OG,

I think you should try to tone it down a bit. When I date girl they fall into these three categories...

1. I'm not interested so no second date and I'm not making out with them.

2. I'm not interested but I think you're sexy and want to make out with you knowing that nothing is going to happen long term. (these are the girls that I make fast advances towards and want to have sex right away... get er' done)

3. I'm totally interested and willing to see where things go long term (these girls I'm not quick to make advances towards and will take my time.

It's a two edged sword. I recently went out with a girl that I REALLY liked. Second date she wore something really sleezey like she wanted me to pounce on her. Guess what, I was really turned off by it and in my mind I put her under the skank category. I don't consider skanks as potential true g/f's. Hindsight, I think she wrote me off because I didn't make out with her but that's ok with me. If that's the type of person she is then I don't want her. She can go find the next guy to take advantage of her.

My guess is that you'll have a far better experience if you give it a few dates before you get physical. Let him kiss you if he wants but leave it at that. I can tell you that any decent guy is going to be turned off if you're trying get hot and heavy with with him on the first or second date. He's going to think you're a skank and that you do it with all the guys. He'll either launch... or bang you first and then launch. But chances are you'll be written off as being a potential g/f.

Chicks with low self esteem often act out sexually, not because they actually want the sex (obviously they can get the sex pretty much anytime they want), but because they are seeking validation from a positive reaction from the male they are with. Leading with the vajayjay is pretty much the easiest way for most women to get validation, esp. from a man they don't really know.

Since the validation/positive reaction is all they are looking for, the sex itself is almost beside the point.

By the time a woman is in her 30's, she should understand that any kind of direct, physical overture on her part is interpreted as an invitation to/prelude to sex, on THAT date.

So, if you don't want to create the expectation of having sex, you have to refrain from being so physical. You'll need to seek your validation from your dates in some other, much less sexually overt manner.

I really don't understand what the interest is with having sex with someone on the second or third date.... heck, even forth or fifth.

Don't you want to see if the person is serious about YOU and you're interested in THEM; their PERSONALITIES and good QUALITIES before you give yourself sexually to them?

I guess maybe my age (30's) dictates how I feel about this. I'm looking for relationships and not one night stands. I find one night stands to be a little sick IMO. I've done it but it's never been worth it and never yielded a guarantee to a long term relationship. You can get dumped the next morning.

If you're looking for sex then go for it but I've found sex too early can blow up a potential relationship.