Don't know with the anger

Three years ago my exBF contacted me and professed "undying love" and told me he has never been able to "let me go" after all these years. We are both M and live 500 miles apart. Almost immediately his W found out I was in the picture and we ended things for a while. He contacted me again a few months later and the EA continued. We have seen each other twice in the last few years but mostly talked on the phone and emailed.

 

It has been a giant emotional roller coaster for me. He has done the pull me in push me away thing more times than I care to count. With me always wondering what the heck went wrong.

 

Two months ago he started talking about wanting to see me again. I didn't really believe that it would happen because a year ago I drove out to see him on my way to visit an out of state friend and he stood me up. That time he emailed me a couple of days later saying he had a severe anxiety attack and that he was so sorry he hurt me. He suffers from "depression"

I think it's just an exuse he uses for his bad behavior.

 

This time he called me daily to make sure we were still on, we were going to meet half way. I spoke with him the night before and he told me to call him in the morning before I left and he would let me know where we were going to meet. (He gave me his HOME phone number) I called and he didn't answer. Now it's been two weeks and I still haven't heard from him.

 

I'm leaving a lot out of this story because it's so long. I know he's an inconsiderate ******* and I've needed to cut him out of my life for a long time now. For the last three years he's pulled enough manipulative crap on me that I now know that he's emotionally abusive and at the very least extremely selfish.

 

My problem is that the longer I go without hearing at least an explaination for his ****ty behavior the more angry I get. I'm so p@ssed off that I want to do something about it. He shouldn't be allowed to get away with treating me like trash and suffer no consequence.

 

I need some good solid advice on how to get over this anger I feel. Please don't tell me time heals all wounds. Or that I'm a horrible person for having an EA in the first place. I need to know how to move past this anger. I feel as though I'm about to snap. It's taken every once of my self control not to pick up the phone and call his wife. I'm not an evil person and I can't purposely hurt her just to get back at him. She's been through enough and I do feel guilty about that.

 

I own my part in it all but I do feel like I've been manipulated and lied to (so has she) and part of me really wants her to know what a selfish, manipulative, bastard she's married to.

 

I don't now how to stop being angry and it gets worse every day. Time is not helping me. I want to hurt him (emotionally) as much as he's hurt me.

I can't stop thinking about ways to get revenge. I want to confront him. It is so unlike me to think this way. I don't want him in my life anymore but I do want answers.

 

Sorry for the rant. I completely understand how women can snap and be driven to do something damaging to an ex when they f*ck with your mind and emotions long enough.

A2L

Telling his wife would relieve your guilt and give him consequences for his actions. You would be doing her a favor and getting him out of your life.

Telling his wife would relieve your guilt and give him consequences for his actions. You would be doing her a favor and getting him out of your life.

 

I've thought of that but it just seems too evil. I also feel that he's so manipulative and selfish that he's probably already doing enough damage in his own M and it will blow up in his face eventually.

 

But that truly doesn't have anything to do with me. Also because he's so manipulative he could and probably would turn it all around on me like I'm some psycho that won't leave him alone. Although I do have emails, chats and text messages saved that prove otherwise.

 

I want him to suffer, not her.

A2L

I agree, tell his wife. And, try to get into counseling to figure out why you allowed this to happen so many times with him and why you were unable to see that this whole thing was wrong to begin with.

I agree, tell his wife. And, try to get into counseling to figure out why you allowed this to happen so many times with him and why you were unable to see that this whole thing was wrong to begin with.

 

I don't need counseling. I'm fully aware that it was wrong. I know why I allowed him to do this crap and I take responsibility for my own actions. I've loved the dumb s.o.b. for twenty years. It's really as simple as that. I've kicked better men to the curb for less than what he's put me through.

 

 

He is the one that needs counseling, that much I know for sure. Depression, emotional baggage and low self esteem are his excuses for his bad behavior.

 

My question was how do I get over being angry.

 

A2L

My advice, forget it.

 

Nothing good comes of revenge. You tell his W. Ok, his life just got real miserable. And his W does DESERVE to know who she is married to (namely a liar and a cheat). The downside is...he then calls YOUR H. Tough choice...do the right thing and face the consequences or do nothing and only "maybe" face the consequences.

 

More pressing is what led you to cheat in the first place...which leads me to how you should deal with your anger.

 

IC.

 

Go see a counselor about this. Talk to a neutral third party.

It just strikes me as a problem you are having, this cheating with someone who treats others as he does. Why would you allow yourself to fall in love with someone unavailable and who treats others like this? And, why would you continue to be in a relationship with a married man?

I know you are not going to like my advice. But it is given sincerely and with experience. Regarding getting over the anger.

 

You know what you are doing/have done is wrong. You know that you are kind of the pot calling the kettle black here. You know these things and like youy said, there is no sense in pointing them out. The anger issue is what you want to address.

 

You are frustrated at circumstances beyond your control. You are frustrated that he continues to treat you badly. You have so far, no other outlet for this frustration than anger at him.

 

The only other option is self reflection. Yep. You should be just as angry at yourself for letting this crap be a part of your life. Repeatedly. In fact, making him suffer consequences is not going to change a thing. Your frustration and anger will be there again when he stiffs you or treats you badly as is his habit.

 

Something has to happen here. Something has to change. And he is beyond your control, so....

I'm so p@ssed off

Pissed off at him ??? Look, if someone rang your doorbell and, when you opened the door, they smacked you across the forehead with a 2X4, wouldn't you think twice about answering the door the next time?

 

And yet he's done this to you "more times than you can count". So yes, you should be mad as hell. Just not at him...

 

Mr. Lucky

Pissed off at him ??? Look, if someone rang your doorbell and, when you opened the door, they smacked you across the forehead with a 2X4, wouldn't you think twice about answering the door the next time?

 

And yet he's done this to you "more times than you can count". So yes, you should be mad as hell. Just not at him...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

Great analogy, the only thing I would add is even if you loved the person who smacked you with the 2x4 you would be pissed and stop opening the door. His actions do not equate to love and yours equate to self abuse.

It just takes time. you are as the others said so well, angry at yourself, you just dont know it yet. Angry at yourself for letting him take advantage of your feelings for him, angry at yourself for not looking out for yourself better.

 

Use it as a positive. Vow that you are never ever going to let him put you in that position again. That when he calls (and you know he will) you are going to tell him where to go and not to ever call you again.

 

Figure it this way if you are the love of his life and he has lost you forever, he will suffer. He will suffer because he has lost you.

It just takes time. you are as the others said so well, angry at yourself, you just dont know it yet. Angry at yourself for letting him take advantage of your feelings for him, angry at yourself for not looking out for yourself better.

 

Use it as a positive. Vow that you are never ever going to let him put you in that position again. That when he calls (and you know he will) you are going to tell him where to go and not to ever call you again.

 

Figure it this way if you are the love of his life and he has lost you forever, he will suffer. He will suffer because he has lost you.

 

You are right. I am angry with myself. For believing the lies and false promises. I do realize that I allowed him back into my life over and over again. So yes I'm the idiot who keeps getting slapped with the 2X4. But is it really so wrong to want to turn the tables and knock him down a peg or two?

 

I've always been the kind of person that sees the good in people. My faith in the people I care about has burned me more than once. I don't want to be bitter about the whole thing. This desire for revenge is very new to me and scary as well.

 

I've never been evil or vengeful in my life. I have buried all of my negative emotions for over a year. Now it's starting to bubble up to the surface and that scares the crap out of me.

 

I allowed him to treat me this way and that's on me. I have to deal with that on my own by locking the door for good. But is it so wrong for me to want him to pay a consequence for his actions as well?

why are you married?

why are you married?

 

Many reasons and most of them are good. I'm sure I'll get slammed for this but I'm going to be honest. This A has opened my eyes to a lot of good things about my own M. I got married very young and we've been through a lot.

 

I married my H on the rebound of my relationship w/ MM then exBF. I ran away and always wondered what might have been. Which I fully believe is why I was so open to an A when exBF/MM came back into my life.

 

Also my H had an A 8 years ago. So it was easy for me to justify my A when it first began. I've been the BS so I know how it feels which is another reason I won't tell his W. And yes I feel guilty for my roll in hurting MM's W and my own H every day. The difference between my H and MM is that my H had the decency to let the OW down easy. He apologized to her for leading her on and hurting her. He also has done his best to make it up to me since then. I know it wasn't easy for him to admit to hurting me or the OW. He completely owned his actions and I respect him for that.

 

My H is a good man for the most part. Over the years I always wondered if he was the right one for me. I thought for years that my exBF/MM was the one I was supposed to be with. I realize now that I am exactly where I'm supposed to be. I've forgiven my H for his A. I guess I just need to forgive myself for mine and do my best to move on.

Which I fully believe is why I was so open to an A when exBF/MM came back into my life.

 

Also my H had an A 8 years ago.

So you're cheating on your husband - who cheated on you - with a married man who's cheating on his wife ???

 

Come on A2L, even you can see that this isn't a recipe for success. Go NC with the exBF, come clean with your husband and start working on your marriage. After all this cheating, lying and deception, don't you think that the truth might set you free?

 

Mr. Lucky

So you're cheating on your husband - who cheated on you - with a married man who's cheating on his wife ???

 

Come on A2L, even you can see that this isn't a recipe for success. Go NC with the exBF, come clean with your husband and start working on your marriage. After all this cheating, lying and deception, don't you think that the truth might set you free?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I agree with you on a couple of things. Success was never an option in the A. I do need to start working on my M. But I disagree about coming clean with my H. It's my guilt, my wrong doing and my cross to bare. Telling him now would only hurt him. It doesn't seem right for me to unload my guilt onto him just to make myself feel better. Through all of this I never outwardly treated my H poorly. He has no idea that I've carried a torch for exBF/MM all these years. I think if I told him that as well as the fact that I acted on it it would crush him. Like I said it's my problem, my guilt. Not his.

... But I disagree about coming clean with my H. It's my guilt, my wrong doing and my cross to bare. Telling him now would only hurt him. It doesn't seem right for me to unload my guilt onto him just to make myself feel better. Through all of this I never outwardly treated my H poorly. He has no idea that I've carried a torch for exBF/MM all these years. I think if I told him that as well as the fact that I acted on it it would crush him. Like I said it's my problem, my guilt. Not his.

 

WRONG.

 

You refuse to tell him out of SELFISHNESS.

 

You refuse to tell him so you can CONTROL him. And you do this by omission. You won't tell because he may decide to divorce you. An outcome you apparently do NOT want. So, you CONTROL him by omitting material facts that WILL influence his decision(s). Spare us the bullcrap about being some noble martyr and taking the pain yourself.

 

How can your H possibly make an informed decision? He has a 1000 piece puzzle and you are withholding 600 of the pieces. No way he can see clearly. But YOU DON'T want HIM to see clearly. You want him to dance to YOUR tune and deny him his free will. Selfish.

 

This is NOT marital recovery. Its slavery. You shackle him with ignorance for your own selfish needs.

 

Part of recovery is CHANGE. In you. Your H. And your M. How are you changing by continuing to be selfish? By keeping secrets? What kind of M is that? Its running away from the problem and NOT facing it. You may not "see" it no...but I promise you its true. And how can your H CHANGE if he is unaware of the depth of the problem (he only has 400 of the 1000 pieces)?

 

That path of NOT disclosing accomplishes NOTHING.

 

To recover your M, you MUST disclose. You have NO choice.

 

What I would do is make an appointment with an MC. And in this first session, you ADMIT your A with both MC and your H.

 

Marriages can and DO survive infidelity. Yours can too. But ONLY if you confess (and I would suggest doing it in MC office).

I knew I'd get bashed for that.

 

I can see how you view it as selfish. However I'm not willing to turn my household upside down because "the truth will set everyone free." The truth will hurt EVERYONE. I have to deal with my own guilt and wrong doing.

 

When my H had his A I suffered the consequences a hell of a lot more than he did. I drove myself crazy with "why" "what did I do to deserve this" and "I need answers". I blamed myself for his A. It took a long time for me to realize that his A wasn't about ME. It was about HIM. Just like my A wasn't about HIM it was about ME.

 

MY guilt, MY problem to resolve, MY job to recover from it, break free from it and put it behind me. Like I said in an earlier post. The A's ( both my H's and mine) have opened my eyes to a lot of good things about my H and my M. I'm angry with myself for getting involved in the first place. Maybe MM did me a big favor and helped me see the bigger picture.

 

Call it what you want but I think it would be MORE selfish of me to tell him. I wish I didn't know about my H's A. It wrecked me for years. I also believe I made me more vulnerable to an A myself. I've never cheated on anyone before this. I never thought I was capable of it. My H traveled a lot and was gone for months at a time and I was never even tempted to cheat on him. I held tight to our marriage vows and thought he did too.

Things change, people do stupid things (myself included) but you have to keep going forward. That is what I intend to do. I will carry my own guilt with me for the rest of my life, as I'm sure my H carries his own. That's a big enough punishment for both of us.

It's taken every once of my self control not to pick up the phone and call his wife.

 

I'm not sure if you are serious about contacting his wife or not..But if you DO decide to talk to her, just be prepared that she and her husband WILL contact your husband, and with that brings pain, heartache and drama...You interfer in his life, he very well could interfer in yours.

I knew I'd get bashed for that.

 

I can see how you view it as selfish. However I'm not willing to turn my household upside down because "the truth will set everyone free." The truth will hurt EVERYONE. I have to deal with my own guilt and wrong doing.

 

When my H had his A I suffered the consequences a hell of a lot more than he did. I drove myself crazy with "why" "what did I do to deserve this" and "I need answers". I blamed myself for his A. It took a long time for me to realize that his A wasn't about ME. It was about HIM. Just like my A wasn't about HIM it was about ME.

 

MY guilt, MY problem to resolve, MY job to recover from it, break free from it and put it behind me. Like I said in an earlier post. The A's ( both my H's and mine) have opened my eyes to a lot of good things about my H and my M. I'm angry with myself for getting involved in the first place. Maybe MM did me a big favor and helped me see the bigger picture.

 

Call it what you want but I think it would be MORE selfish of me to tell him. I wish I didn't know about my H's A. It wrecked me for years. I also believe I made me more vulnerable to an A myself. I've never cheated on anyone before this. I never thought I was capable of it. My H traveled a lot and was gone for months at a time and I was never even tempted to cheat on him. I held tight to our marriage vows and thought he did too.

Things change, people do stupid things (myself included) but you have to keep going forward. That is what I intend to do. I will carry my own guilt with me for the rest of my life, as I'm sure my H carries his own. That's a big enough punishment for both of us.

 

 

I have to agree with jwi71. I made the mistake of disclosing my affair when I had no intention of making my marriage work and proceeded with my Divorce. That was a mistake however if you plan on staying in your marriage you have to for sure disclose what you did.....just remember this....Karma is a bitch!!! I know.

Also my H had an A 8 years ago. So it was easy for me to justify my A when it first began. I've been the BS so I know how it feels which is another reason I won't tell his W. And yes I feel guilty for my roll in hurting MM's W and my own H every day. The difference between my H and MM is that my H had the decency to let the OW down easy. He apologized to her for leading her on and hurting her. He also has done his best to make it up to me since then. I know it wasn't easy for him to admit to hurting me or the OW. He completely owned his actions and I respect him for that.

Look at what you posted regarding your husband's A. Since you're not "owning" your own actions, how much self "respect" will that leave you?

 

According to you, you recovered from your husband's infidelity. As you know as well as anybody, recovery is but one of the options that a spouse has when they learn their partner has cheated. Don't you think that your husband at least has the right to the same set of informed choices you did? Given what has transpired, I don't see how it could be any other way...

 

Mr. Lucky

I knew I'd get bashed for that.

 

I wasn't trying to bash you - just give you my view.

When my H had his A I suffered the consequences a hell of a lot more than he did. I drove myself crazy with "why" "what did I do to deserve this" and "I need answers". I blamed myself for his A. It took a long time for me to realize that his A wasn't about ME. It was about HIM. Just like my A wasn't about HIM it was about ME.

No one doubts that the cheater has issues. So now we know that you BOTH cheat. And your solution is...do NOTHING. Which is exactly what you did last time. And look what that got you...more pain, more guilt, more lies...in a nutshell...nothing good.

 

I PROMISE you my way works. It breaks the cycle. Not easy. Not fun. Painful as hell to be honest...but it brings CHANGE. And that CHANGE will set you free. (But, to change...you gotta be honest...truth WILL set you free).

 

MY guilt, MY problem to resolve, MY job to recover from it, break free from it and put it behind me. Like I said in an earlier post.

Lots of "me's, my's and I's" A2L. A marriage is TWO people...the correct pronoun is WE and/or US. Conspicuously absent in your posts. And the only way to introduce that pronoun is to WORK on the M together. Now its an US. Until then, your M is little more than a piece of paper binding you two together in misery. I have little doubt you will try and bury this.

 

Won't work. Your M will never truly become a "we" or "us". Always just two individuals...each lying to themselves and the other.

 

 

It wrecked me for years. I also believe I made me more vulnerable to an A myself. I've never cheated on anyone before this. I never thought I was capable of it.

Cheating sux. For all involved. You DIDNT face it last time and you won;t face it now. Sometimes intelligent people think they can handle more than they can. Always thinking and trying to stay a step ahead. But no matter how fast you run, the past ALWAYS catches up to you.

 

If you do NOT go to MC (and IC) and be open and honest...it will catch you again.

 

And despite what you may think...I WANT better for YOU. And your H.

And I don't think your path is the way.