No Contact Right Move?

So I'm new here. couple weeks out of my relationship and I wanted to make sure I'm doing the right thing.

Background:

GF and I had been togeather for 2 years. There has been good times and bad times. The problem is that I've been building a business and it's been growing like mad, but it takes a lot of my time.

My GF had a job where weird hours too but has days of in the middle of the week when I'm working, which doesn't help.

I must admit, she's giving it more effort / done all of the pursing in the relationship.

Heres what happened: GF was getting really mad about us not spending more time, to the point I could sense she was thinking of spliting.

She then blew me off 2 days in a row, which got me mad because she had made such a huge deal about me not spending time with her. I over reacted and sent her a text telling her we should think about if we really wanted to be in the relationship.

She was blown away by my text, and then called me the next day to talk about it, and we just ended up fighting more, we had plans to hang out the next day and through the weekend, which were still going to do when we hung up.

The next day, I went over to her house, we tried to work on it, started fighting a bit, then she told me that she was done, she said that she didn't feel like I loved her / cared enough, and that more than anything, I just didn't give her enough time.

I felt of course that she always made a bigger deal out of things then she needed to, and that if she didn't complain so much about not spending enough time togeather, that our relationship would be alot better. She said she loved me, said she wanted to spend more time with me the entire relationship and show me off to the world.

When she said that, I was like okay, got up to leave, she asked for a hug.. then I suggested we go to dinner to talk about it more.

During dinner I promissed her I'd spend more time with her, she said she wanted 3 days a week at least. Then she asked why it took until now for me to give her that. (great timing on her part) She thought for a bit, and then told me that she needed some space to think and that I should go.

I asked her about the plane ticket I had to go on vacation with her family, and she said she didn't know, and that it was my ticket.

After that I left, that's the last time we talked.

I haven't heard from her since, the girl has called me like every day since we first met 2 years ago.

Side Note: There is a guy that lives in her apt complex that has been talking to her and telling her that she doesn't deserve a work-a-holic and basically poinging out any flaw I have so that he can slide in. I've got a huntch that he was part of her needing a "break"

Bottom line, I realize I was being selfish with my time, and want to give it another go and give her more of myself. Now I'm second guessing NC and thinking, since she wanted "More" of my time, NC is probably just proving her right and validating her belief that I don't care.

She is apparently too immature to understand what it takes to build a business and I'm not sure if there's anything you can do to fix that. What a lot of people don't understand is the amount of blood, sweat and tears that goes into developing a business.

Having said all that, she needs to 'get it' if the two of you get back together. If she doesn't and if she requires more time and attention than you can give her, then you have an unworkable situation. Not to say that she's right and you're wrong, or vice versa - it just doesn't work. Now if you can etch out a little more time and make her a little more of a priority, then that may work. But, yes, women (and men) perceive attention and time spent with them as love. And most of the time, that's true. Even if you are building a company, if you want to keep her, you'll need to make time for her.

I understand where you're at because I have been in the process of building a company, too, and I once told my sister that I was glad there wasn't a man in my life right now because he just would not understand the amount of time I devote to it. And a lot of the time, I just don't want to break away from what I'm doing because I might lose my train of thought, or my creative juices might stop flowing. It's tough to balance it all. But if I were in a relationship, I would make myself carve out time where I could be with my significant other.

I don't think NC really comes into the picture here. Just leave her alone for about a week and then call her to see how she's doing. It won't do any good to worry about this other guy - just give her some breathing room but don't disappear for too long. Be sure to tell her that you miss her and ask her if it's ok for you to call. It will make her feel respected. Even if this other guy does come into the picture, you have the upper hand because she loves you and has history with you - don't ever underestimate the power of that.

I think the reason your discussions about this have turned into arguments is because neither of you are feeling heard. If you will make an effort to hear her, and not justify your actions, things will go much smoother.

I dont completely agree with NC in this situation. I think you need to give her time and space, but at the same time, if you call her once a week or so to say hi and see hows shes feeling, I dont see anything wrong with that. I would let her know that you acknowledge your faults and will make efforts to improve them. Try not to draw any hard lines in the sand, just try and improve YOUR part of the relationship. You cant control what she does or how she feels, all you can do is react in a healty way, and hope that causes her to do the same.

The other guy is what we call a 'player-hater' and all he's doing is trying to act like her savior for a chance to be the rebound. How any MAN with a pair of balls resorts to bashing another guy for a shot at a rebound is beyond me, but as was said, YOU have such an advantage over any new guy she meets that its really irrelevant.

Good advice from Angel, wait a week, call and say hey and see how things go. DO NOT put any pressure on her, do not point the finger, do not demand she does XYZ. Simply admit to your part in the problem and take steps to correct it. The rest will work itself out.

Wow, thanks for the quick and thoughtfull posts!

Okay, we'll it's been 13 days of NC, so should I wait another week, or call now?

Man I dunno how any dude can do that either. If I know a girl has a BF, the last thing I would try and do is rain on his parade.

I had a key of hers, which I mailed back 3 days ago, but only wrote a short note, nothing personal.

Wow, thanks for the quick and thoughtfull posts!

 

Okay, we'll it's been 13 days of NC, so should I wait another week, or call now?

 

Man I dunno how any dude can do that either. If I know a girl has a BF, the last thing I would try and do is rain on his parade.

 

I had a key of hers, which I mailed back 3 days ago, but only wrote a short note, nothing personal.

I say call her as soon as you know she should be free (like when you know shes off work and probably home). If she doesnt answer, leave a friendly message that you were calling to say hey and to call you back when she has a chance. Chances are, she'll answer or call you back soon. Be calm, confident, and open whenever you talk to her, ask her to meet you for lunch/coffee, and just be generally pleasant. Relationship problems dont need to be an unpleasant subject, the only turn out that way because people refuse to take responsibility and listen. You should look at any conversation as a way to better yourself, and no matter what happens, its a positive thing.

Thanks,

Well I think posting here has given some clairty to my feelings. In past relationships that have ended. I've made contact to try and get them back and found that everytime I called, I felt my power/pride/dignity take a hit and it made healing all that much harder.

I've built up a shell because of that to not contact after a breakup because in the end, you can walk away with your head high, and your pride in tact at the very least, and any future meetings with the ex you are on equal ground.

I feel if I call her, then I'm giving up that power and possibly opening myself up to get hurt if she is infact hanging out with that other guy, where as if I stick to my guns, I've had 13 days of healing, going on 14 instead of 1. I think I'm going to stick to NC for a bit longer.

Angel, that is so tight you feel me on the business thing. I had countless battles with the EX after working 12-14 hour days about not spending time with her, when in the back of my head all I could think was, I'm working my as* off now so someday when I do settle down, I can have time, energy and money to devote to my family, instead of being the dad that is always working like mine was.

Thanks again for all your help.

What a lot of men don't understand that the most charming thing they can do is swallow their pride and stick their necks out for us. There's nothing sweeter than a guy who's willing to risk his neck or pride to talk. Don't underestimate that and don't ever feel like you're giving up your dignity. The only time you would do that is if you were mean to her, or abrasive...that kind of thing. Yes, you should call her soon.

The one thing you need to be aware of is the personality type that goes with your drive to build and run a business. It takes a certain kind of person to do that - and I admire it a great deal. But if your gf doesn't learn to appreciate that, you're in for trouble. Also, men like you tend to be extremely independent and self-sustaining and you automatically think other people are like that; and you at least expect your partner to be the same way. Just think of it like Donald Trump - he can't be with a woman who gives him grief about working. He makes no bones about how much he works and he doesn't budge on that. Not to say that he doesn't spend time with her, but he just can't be with someone who doesn't understand what drives him. He says this in his books, that's why I know that. Not that you're Donald (maybe you are) but the point is if you're driven, you need to be with someone who understands that. She doesn't have to be driven, but it doesn't hurt if she is.

It sounds like the two of you had a good thing going so it's probably worth fighting for. It's very unlikely that some new guy could make her forget that that quickly. Just don't put yourself in a position to over-compromise, if that makes sense. But I do know that I've been with men that I was totally convinced that they didn't care about me, and it wasn't true. Men can act very detached and this is hurtful to women. If you understand that, it may help you understand where she's coming from.

I agree with Angel. I think the stubborness to stick to no contact and expect someone to crawl back with their tail between their legs is an unrealistic expectations. If you never tell anyone where you stand, how can you be sure that you understand each other? Again, if your not willing to take responsibility for what happened, you're just expecting the other person to take the whole blame. Again, not realistic.

NC is best for situations that are irrepairable and best assumed over. It's more to heal yourself and get over someone. If you love this girl, dont just boot her out of your life and anticipate meeting someone better. It's always going to be a give/take, and you're never going to find anyone perfect. I think you should at least try and talk things out and see if a comprimise can be reached. She's probably taken your silence as meaning youre not willing to talk and work things out.

Yes but she did end it. She told me she was done.. then when I told her I would give her more time, she said she needed to be space, a break, or something of that nature. Just feels wrong to try and talk to her more when she was the one that ended it.

If all I got from her was a "can we talk" text, it would be all good, but if I try and stick my neck out, it just feels like I'm gonna get burned and I'm already having a hard enough time with this without having her kick me to the curb a second time.

You know dude, I don't post on here very often, but I felt I could relate to your story. I was also extremely busy when my ex and I dated and I am currently in the middle of starting my own business as well. It's a hard road and takes up a lot of time and devotion. I understand that much completely.

Despite all of that, I know that I cared about and loved my ex to death at the time when we broke up, I just had a hard time showing her that because I was always busy and always putting her on the backburner when I had busywork to fulfill that could not be handled at a later time. It was really hard for me to balance all of those obligations. By the time I did have time to show her my affection, we were broken up two weeks prior to that point. I played the distressed ex card and made some stupid decisions for three months following that. 16 months later, I am still regretting those decisions.

However, I do know that everything I did and all the NC I broke was to show her how much I cared about her. I wanted her to realize what I felt about her and what I knew was true - that I loved her, and I always did when I was too busy for her at the time. Just because I had work to do didn't mean that I didn't love her, you know? This is the part that I don't regret. I did make some emotional mistakes for a little while after we broke up, sure, but I know that everything I did around those mistakes was to illuminate the fact that I loved her with everything. I am an honest guy and sometimes, I feel that honesty is the better policy than playing CaliGuy's NC game.

It makes me a little bitter when I get on here and read stories like yours and all people have to say is "move on dude, go NC, you'll meet someone else, you need to heal and work on yourself". BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH. That works for most people, sure, just giving up and moving on to the next best thing. Regardless of who you love or who you're trying to get over, it should be a personal goal to ALWAYS take care of yourself, not just because you broke up with someone and you're doing it to feel better about yourself. I also think we all know by now that there are billions of people in this world that we could fall in love with, but sometimes you want just one, and sometimes, that love never dies. Mine hasn't and its close to a year and a half now. If you love this girl, show her and tell her, or at least talk to her about it and express it through your words that she means the world to you. I think you'll regret not telling her how you feel more than going NC and moving on with your life, always knowing that you had given up and never told her what she meant to you. If she reacts differently and takes it the wrong way, maybe then you should realize that she's not worth it because she's well, immature. I don't know.

If she was the one that broke it off and said she needs space, then respect it and give it to her. You can be respectful and that will show her you still care about her as well. Don't break that plane, because some people underestimate the healing power of time. She may need to slay some demons on her own first. But, but, if time goes by and space turns into "I'm moving on and never coming back", maybe then express it to her.

Or, if you feel like doing what everyone else does on here, give up and go NC and find someone else. I'm sure CaliGuy will be on here posting something similar to that shortly.

What a lot of men don't understand that the most charming thing they can do is swallow their pride and stick their necks out for us. There's nothing sweeter than a guy who's willing to risk his neck or pride to talk. Don't underestimate that and don't ever feel like you're giving up your dignity. The only time you would do that is if you were mean to her, or abrasive...that kind of thing. Yes, you should call her soon.

 

The one thing you need to be aware of is the personality type that goes with your drive to build and run a business. It takes a certain kind of person to do that - and I admire it a great deal. But if your gf doesn't learn to appreciate that, you're in for trouble. Also, men like you tend to be extremely independent and self-sustaining and you automatically think other people are like that; and you at least expect your partner to be the same way. Just think of it like Donald Trump - he can't be with a woman who gives him grief about working. He makes no bones about how much he works and he doesn't budge on that. Not to say that he doesn't spend time with her, but he just can't be with someone who doesn't understand what drives him. He says this in his books, that's why I know that. Not that you're Donald (maybe you are) but the point is if you're driven, you need to be with someone who understands that. She doesn't have to be driven, but it doesn't hurt if she is.

 

It sounds like the two of you had a good thing going so it's probably worth fighting for. It's very unlikely that some new guy could make her forget that that quickly. Just don't put yourself in a position to over-compromise, if that makes sense. But I do know that I've been with men that I was totally convinced that they didn't care about me, and it wasn't true. Men can act very detached and this is hurtful to women. If you understand that, it may help you understand where she's coming from.

This is a great post by the way, Angel. At least youre one of the few people on here who thinks things through instead of saying "GO NC N WORK ON URSELF ITS THE BEST 4 U N UR EX WILL COME SNOOPEN AROUND EVENTUALLY B/C PEOPLE WHO PUT THEMSELVES FIRST R ATTRAKTIVE".

This is a great post by the way, Angel. At least youre one of the few people on here who thinks things through instead of saying "GO NC N WORK ON URSELF ITS THE BEST 4 U N UR EX WILL COME SNOOPEN AROUND EVENTUALLY B/C PEOPLE WHO PUT THEMSELVES FIRST R ATTRAKTIVE".

Thank you. I know that when we love someone, that's the relationship that is the most significant to us and thinking about being with someone else is extremely unappealing. I believe that if a relationship can be repaired, then that's the best way to go. Giving up, being too prideful, playing NC games will never get anyone anywhere. Men are the pursuers, women usually are not - that's why it's so critical for a man to take the initiative. They don't understand what a fatal move it is to sit back and do nothing. Yes, there are those cases where that's appropriate but most of the time it isn't.

I'm not sure what happened in your case but it sounds like you did what you could to get her back. I'm so sorry it didn't work out. I know how much that hurts.

Thank you. I know that when we love someone, that's the relationship that is the most significant to us and thinking about being with someone else is extremely unappealing. I believe that if a relationship can be repaired, then that's the best way to go. Giving up, being too prideful, playing NC games will never get anyone anywhere. Men are the pursuers, women usually are not - that's why it's so critical for a man to take the initiative. They don't understand what a fatal move it is to sit back and do nothing. Yes, there are those cases where that's appropriate but most of the time it isn't.

 

I'm not sure what happened in your case but it sounds like you did what you could to get her back. I'm so sorry it didn't work out. I know how much that hurts.

Well, like I said, its been close to 17 months, so my options are running on fumes at this point. Do I still think about her every day? Yes. Does she care anymore? I don't know. Should I care anymore? I don't know.

My point being, which you said yourself and reinforced, is that playing NC games or sitting back and accepting second place while you wait for your ex to come running back into your arms is just moronic. Anyone can give up and move on, anyone can find someone else. Big deal, you become one of the norm like 85% of the people on this forum from reading 95% of the advice on this forum. It's all regurgitated bull****, but it's bull**** that works, sadly, if you're really trying to just get over someone once and for all.

But, on the other hand, if you're not ready to let go and you still want to try, I just sometimes like to think that trying everything you can and exhausting all options BEFORE giving up shows that you really care instead of shrugging it off and saying "oh well, lesson learned, time for a gym membership". Sure, it's a lesson learned no matter what happens in the end and no matter who you end up with. Every life experience changes you in some way regardless of how you act or don't act, so in the end, what does it really matter what path you choose?

If the core advice on this forum is "what is meant to be will happen", does that mean that you can act whichever way you choose to act because the result (what's meant to be) will happen anyway?

Hi Everyone,

Just wanted to give you an update. I continued to go NC (17 days since we split) and when I woked up this morning, I had a call from my ex on my voicemail saying she wanted to talk.. so we'll see what happens with that.

NC works people!

Hey Weezy, how is this going?

I read your thread through, and another common thing in our situation is that I too am trying to build a business and she was asking for more of my time.

The difference is that she gave me an ultimatum to move in with her or we split - which essentially meant me giving up on the business because she lives an hour and a half away!

Like you, I tried to compromise by offering a solution, in my case I said I'd spend three nights a week with her. This temporarily brought us back together but something had fundamentally changed.

It's weird sometimes I swing from wanting her back more than anything to thinking, she was right, we can't be together. Sometimes I know I'll be fine, other days I'm barely hanging on. I go from pro-NC to someone who wants to put his feelings on the line.

Weirdly I think I've learned more from this breakup than ever before. It might be just that I discovered LS!

Rafa,

It didn't go well man.

Like I said in that other thread. She basically wanted to "get togeather" to feel me out. She had nothing to say, when we go togeather she said "Well I just wanted to see if you had any new thoughts" I said I told her what my feelings were when we broke up. We had 1 drink, the conversation wasn't going well because neither one of us had much to say. Then as we were saying goodbye she started balling on the street, ran into my arms, told me she missed me, I said I was sorry for hurting her. Then she told me I'd make someone else happy and she had to go.

I then called her back 15 minutes later, asked if she was okay, she said she was, asked if she wanted to talk anymore, which she well what do you want to talk about, asked her why she was crying, said it was hard to see me cause she had had so many feelings for me, and then she just started bringing up all her doubts about getting back togeather and how could she trust I wouldn't break her heart again? I tried to convince her, but in the end we just ended up saying goodbye again. I felt like any progress I made in the 17 days of NC were basically gone because I was right back where I was when we broke up. So now I'm on day 3 of NC and really wishing I would have just let her go.

Hi All,

I wanted to thank everyone who read my posts and gave me advice in my time of need.

I happy to say me and my GF are back togeather and I'm super happy.

My GF broke up with me because of me not giving her enough time \ priority in my life (I really didn't either).

Here is what I did to get her back:

1) During the breakup told her I would change.

2) After we broke up, I went NC. Delete her number from my phone, removed her pictures, removed her IM, removed her Address from my navigation system, just about everything I could do to not be tempted to figure out what she was up to.

3) After 17 days of NC I got a call asking if we could get togeather

******* Here is the tricky part ******************

4) We got togeather and I could tell she wanted me to give her more assurance that what I said I ment. I ended up re-telling her everything that I would do.. spend more time, think more about how my actions impacted hers.. things like that.. I didn't beg, I didn't cry ever, I just gave her rational explinations and admited that it was my mistake.. I steered clear of any arguing for the most part.

5) Went back to NC, deleted her number again (from caller id)

6) 4 days later got a txt saying she thought alot about what I was saying, but was still scared of getting hurt again, and that she was going to her parents out of town for the weekend.

7) Text her back (1.5 hours later) with have fun, How I had been thining alot about things too. That I wouldn't hurt her again, and to drive safe.

8) Deleted her number again from caller ID.

9) Got a call 3 days later, asking if we could get togeather to talk in a few days.. I said sure and left it at that.

10) We got togeather, I made a point of NOT talking about anything serious.. I figured out a place we could go, sat back, drank a few beers, ordered dinner with her, asked her questions about going home, work, friends, family.. anything but the current issue.. Finally she brought it up after 1.5 hours, started talking about how she knew she would have to give me another chance if it would work... I didn't bite on anything, just played it chill. We left with a simple hug and an I'll talk to you soon.

11) NC again, deleted number.

12) Got a text asking if we could "hang out this weekend"

13) Asked if I could take her "out of town" she said yes.

14) Booked a bomb hotel room for 2 days at the coast, planed out a couple of fun activites.. bowling, walk on he beach, shopping. Brought a sleeping bag just in case (used it a bit the first night, but we were snuggling all night by about 2 AM). She told me she was giving me a 30 day trial period as her BF the first night at dinner..

15) After about 3 days the 30 day trial turned into.. R you still going to come to mexico with me and my family in a month? And talks of getting seasons passes togeather.. along with alot of I love u's and lots and lots of intimacy and sex.

What did I learn?

1 NC works

2 When they do contact you, don't play games, just call them or text them back after you've calmed down and think about what your going to do.

3 If you do meet, plan out where to meet, and go through the senario's in your head and how your going to act... When your face to face with the person, your emotions will take over if you don't already have a game plan of when you want to leave, how long you want to hang out, and try not to bring up anything serious if you can avoid it, let them bring it up.

4 Reassure them that you have changed if they ask, and they will give you hints when it's the right time.

I hope this helps everyone.

Congratulations Weezy! And thanks for coming back and letting us all know how things are turning out

Congrats man, sucess stories are a good thing to hear on LS.