So here we go

So the army guy I've been seeing, who's been playing with my emotions unintentionally is pulling me back. It's as if I'm the only one who ever calls him or texts him. So on wednesday when he didn't respond to my text or my call I decided NC would be best, at least until he contacted me. So today I get a text from him.

Him-You ok? You didn't text all day

Me-Yeah, i'm ok. Neither did you.

Him- But I never do

Me- Well maybe you should

Him- Bed should be here by the time you are off(he just moved and bought a new bed)

Me- That a hint about the bed?

Him- Thought you might want to check it out since you helped pick it

Me- Maybe I will

So what do you all think. Why did he wait til the next day to write anything? And does he see nothing wrong with me being the only one to start communication? Should I go after work and see him? I just don't know what to do.

Anyone have anything?

Well, he is lazy. He is used to you chasing him... if he really likes you he will chase you back. Here is what I would do. I would let him contact you first twice... then you contact him once.

I wouldnt go "check out" the bed. Allows him to project the wrong message. I'd tell him that you would much rather go check out a restaraunt.

Maybe he's just not that into you. IME when a man is lovestruck he shows it. I see something wrong with you being the only person to initiate any kind of communication, but as the above poster stated, maybe he's just lazy. But still, would you even want to have to whip that boy into shape?

Yeah, it's a little more complicated. This is one of those things I was talking about where I just can't seem to find someone who has my same basic ideals.

Maybe he's just not that into you. IME when a man is lovestruck he shows it. I see something wrong with you being the only person to initiate any kind of communication, but as the above poster stated, maybe he's just lazy. But still, would you even want to have to whip that boy into shape?

You're right, I don't want to have to whip him into shape. He has shown he's into me, he's told me that he loves me. I just don't know if I can trust his feelings right now because of other things that are going on.

If you put out form the get go...it's quite possible this effected how he views you more as just a FB and not relationship material. On that note if those are the terms from one party or both established. I don't think he needs to continually maintain consistent contact texting or phoning etc. He's just seeing if you're free to stop by, no strings attached.

I cannot imagine why a guy would ask a girl to come see their new bed unless he wanted you in it. Straight up.

If you put out form the get go...it's quite possible this effected how he views you more as just a FB and not relationship material. On that note if those are the terms from one party or both established. I don't think he needs to continually maintain consistent contact texting or phoning etc. He's just seeing if you're free to stop by, no strings attached.

 

I cannot imagine why a guy would ask a girl to come see their new bed unless he wanted you in it. Straight up.

Ok, it's back story time. There is A LOT more to it then a booty call. read here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t133134/

You're right, I don't want to have to whip him into shape. He has shown he's into me, he's told me that he loves me. I just don't know if I can trust his feelings right now because of other things that are going on.

A guy who's into you and LOVES you doesn't wait for you to make all the contact.

I know this. However I kinda of let him get used to it by always calling him, but maybe now that I put my foot down and waited for him to write me he'll get the point.

Just tell him that he needs to make more of an effort in contacting you, and you're starting to feel fed up being the one making all the effort. Be honest with him and see what happens. Give him afew weeks to prove that he actually can pick up the phone and call you, instead of it being the other way around.

Don't put so much effort into him, let him miss you.

It's just so difficult you know? I hate being this wrapped up in a guy.

So the army guy I've been seeing, who's been playing with my emotions unintentionally is pulling me back. It's as if I'm the only one who ever calls him or texts him. So on wednesday when he didn't respond to my text or my call I decided NC would be best, at least until he contacted me. So today I get a text from him.

 

Him-You ok? You didn't text all day

Me-Yeah, i'm ok. Neither did you.

Him- But I never do

Me- Well maybe you should

Him- Bed should be here by the time you are off(he just moved and bought a new bed)

Me- That a hint about the bed?

Him- Thought you might want to check it out since you helped pick it

Me- Maybe I will

 

So what do you all think. Why did he wait til the next day to write anything? And does he see nothing wrong with me being the only one to start communication? Should I go after work and see him? I just don't know what to do.

Ali, dont beat yourself up. I think hes keeping you at a distance that he is comfortable with and will continue to do so as long as you allow him to. Keeping you there gives him the upperhand, he calls the shots and allows only what he's comfortable with. Thats a shi*** deal. So you havent had the convo with him yet I take it? You should talk to him asap, instead of sending him texts. He needs to be confronted, text messaging leaves an opening to escape the situation. He mentioned wanting you to see his new bed that you helped pick out, you should go see it and talk also. No sex. I know its hard, Im dying here myself, but its the best way to get this all cleared up and to move on in a clear direction..

Thanks Jared. I think I will go over there today. I'm just so nervous.....SO nervous. I don't want to lose him, but I do at the same time.

Thanks Jared. I think I will go over there today. I'm just so nervous.....SO nervous. I don't want to lose him, but I do at the same time.

I think what you meant was "I dont want to lose." No doubt this is a nice guy, you have good times and you get along but you know in your heart its not right and hes not right for you. I could be totally and completely wrong but I think your pride is wounded and thinking "we didnt win." Give another guy a chance, a guy that really deserves you. Who knows you might even meet a great person in your new place or even better after your conversation with army dude he might open his eyes and heart to the idea that he needs to get over his divorce and stop categorizing all women as liars.

Ok, it's back story time. There is A LOT more to it then a booty call. read here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t133134/

I did not read your relationship history previously, but to gauge from what he said to you i wasn't really far off the mark:

When he arrived home after his deployment that very same night he got a hotel room and I met him there. I wasn't there for more than 30 seconds before he had all my clothes off. It was amazing. I have never felt that much pleasure. After that night we have spent almost every day together, going through his divorce and my break-up together. He has told me he loves me and I do love him. I am moving 2 hours away and he can't decide whether he wants to go with me or not.

I don't believe we are IN love, and I don't think he does either. He sleeps around too much and our timing is horrible. I wish it wasn't, but the fact still remains.

Like others have said if he cared about you he would have always made the time and effort in more ways than just the one. The whole thing just cries FB on his part and desperation on yours for going back knowing it's not 100% what you want. I don't think he is in the wrong (in the FB aspect only) because like i said the 'rules of engagement' have already been set up. I know you are pushing the envelope to wanting more here, but it's like getting blood from a stone considering his past track record even. I wouldn't expect romance levels to peak beyond that of 'Would you like to see my new bed?' or 'Here is my weapon and here is my gun, this is for fighting and this is for fun'. If you can soldier on and set your feelings aside in this kind of setup and you're happy with that then i don't think you really have any dilemma. Otherwise draw a line in the sand, drop the hammer and say he cannot invade your territory anymore. Then you'll have a better chance at finding a relationship which you actually feel good about, then let the sex ramp itself up to infinity.

ali, I worry that as others have said you're setting yourself up for major pain here. I've known some couples where one person initiates all the contact because the pother person is sort of lazy/passive/disorganized, but in those cases there are other ways that the passive person lets their partner know that they are loved and appreciated. This does sound like a case where you are hoping for more than he's willing to give. The thing is, it almost doesn't matter WHY he's not willing to give it---if he's scared, hurt, not that into you, whatever. What matters is how his behavior makes YOU feel----which is bad, bad, bad. THAT should be what you listen to. If it feels bad, DONT DO IT. ( Hmmm, will I ever listen to my own advice...?) Seriously, I know how hard it is to resist that high quality sex---it's so intense and we always think it must mean something, but sadly, it often doesn't. I would not waste any more of your time and energy on this guy. He isn't being respectful of you or your feelings, and he seems to expect that you will make it easy for him, that you'll do all the work. Why should you do that for someone who is not showing you that he values you? If he's not going to treat you with love and respect, have enough love and respect for yourself to wait for someone who will give you what you deserve, and know that being alone is much, much better than being with someone who makes you feel bad. Think of some possible time alone as a time to reconnect with yourself,to figure out what kind of relationship would really make YOU happy.

Great advice Reelwoman....an excellent post.

Great advice Reelwoman....an excellent post.

well, shucks.....thanks! I think this is such a great forum---people are generally so helpful and compassionate. It's been a big help to me.

Ali, how's it going today?

It's going ok. Thank you so much for everything. I wasn't on this weekend, well because I was with him. I'm stupid. Update time. Friday I spent the night at his place. After everything that happened, when we saw each other it was as if nothing happened. So for then I let it go, keeping in the back of my mind that at the very least we would HAVE to talk when I moved the following weekend. So Friday and Saturday were ok, we spent time together and went to a party saturday night. He didn't seem to really enjoy the party that much, but I don't think that had anything to do with me. So then Sunday, we helped our friend move. He seemed stand offish all day, except a little in the car during the move we listen to some funny music and we laughed. Later that night him, his roommate, the new roommate(that we just helped move), and I were all just hanging out and the our friend wanted to go out for beer and wings and I had already promised to go. I went and called him afterwards to see if he wanted me to come back over. He said it was up to me. (Not the answer I wanted, even a no would have been better). He had been acting wierd, but I said I'd come back. I went over and got there at about 10ish. When I got there he was playing a computer game, so I hung out with the roommates. I did that for about 2-3 hours and went in his room to say hi a few times. He was still REALLY stand offish and even his roommates who are his close friends noticed and thought it was wierd. I asked him if he wanted me to go home so I didn't wake him up early when I had to get up for work. He said with a little irritation that he already said I could stay. Well, thats all well and fine, but I wanted to know what he wanted, not what was "ok". So I decided that I was going home. It was late and if I was going to sleep alone, I was going to sleep alone by myself. I told him I would just feel bad about waking him up early and I would see him later. He kissed me and hugged me for a while too long, which makes me think there is a whole lot more going on in that head than he lets on. But you know what, I'm not playing these games. If he feels something or has something he needs to tell me, then he needs to do it or lose any chance at all that he has. I can't play these stupid games. Not only that, but if he can't be open and honest with me now, what makes me think he's ever going to be. I'm not calling or writing him at all. He is the one that has something to say, so he needs to say it on his own like an adult. So there.