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Posted

My workmate recenty shocked our workplace when she told me and anothr staff membr that she doesn't love her long trm live in partner and will never marry him. He has asked her plenty of times but she has resisted marriage. She says that he knows she wil never love him and they stay together because she has a better, more secure ifestyle by being part of a couple. More finances, more holidays, better able to afford nice things and nice accommodation etc.

 

I was shocked but it seems that this arrangemet has been going on for 16 years. But now it has got me thinking - given that I'm almost 34 and not meeting anyone who is giving me butterflies or sweeping me off my feet and my biological clock is ticking - should I just settle for a guy who is very nice and loving, smart and who doesn't annoy me much and forget about the romance part? I've ever been in love or at least, never ben in requited love and it seems that it is never going to happen.

 

Should I hold out for the great love of my life and risk dying alone and single or should I go for the "you'll do" option and have a supportive friend that I live my life with but who I'm not passionately in love with?

Posted

Never settle. But go out, have a good time, sample all there is to sample and make as an informed decision as you can. Keep in mind that your tastes and definitions may change from now to 5 years from now. What you may see as settling right now, may prove to be the love of your life in 5 years.

 

Not trying to stereotype anyone, but females in their 20's and young 30's tend to look for men that are buff, good looking and with a lot of money. As you get older you realize that all three don't necessarily come in the same package. You also may notice that your once buff bod could use some work, so now the criteria is money and good looking.

 

I am admittedly overweight--people do not go down the street saying "oh look at that fat pig" (well, maybe PA might), but they are not saying "wow, what a hunk" either. Of the women I have dated (and I am in my early 40s) over the last five years, not one has had an issue with my weight--I am a nice guy, reasonably good looking, treat them well, and all is good.

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Posted

Well, buff isn't a criterion. I don't like six packs on guys or men who are slaves to the gym. I think most of them could do with picking up a book.

Money isn't what I'm into either. I can support myself and have a career - bought my own place etc. i'd like someone who can pay his own bills comfortably though. I eat well and go to the gym four times a week but I'm not skinny like a Sports Illustrated model. That seems to be what Australian guys like and I'd have to spend all my time and money on exrcise and grooming to pull that off.

I just feel like maybe there is something wrong with what I think love is because I rarely meet a guy who makes me think 'wow!, I want to jump his bones!' who is also kind and smart.

Does that romantic and physical attraction have to be there initially or should I just date guys that don't have it and hope that it develops later?

Posted

oh yes go out there! Date guys you don't have that initial physical romantic attraction to, but don't settle for a commitment. One of them will prove himself butterfly worthy.

 

I am extremely attracted to kindness and intelligence and believe me, physical attraction can develop after a few dates. It only happened to me twice, but I was really suprised at how strong it can be in those instances.

 

I read somewhere a saying about finding soulmates : if you never take a step, how can you learn to dance?

Posted
but I'm not skinny like a Sports Illustrated model. That seems to be what Australian guys like

 

Thanks--that explains a huge amount in terms of the Aussie women!

Posted

Noos never settle. It won't bring you happiness and love you really desire and need in a long term relationship. And it wouldn't be a healthy relationship to bring your children into. No matter how good a friends you were, it would be a loveless relationship on your side.

 

Plus, is it really fair to do that to another human being? Settle for them, when they love you? Nope.

Posted

Should I hold out for the great love of my life and risk dying alone and single or should I go for the "you'll do" option and have a supportive friend that I live my life with but who I'm not passionately in love with?

 

I guarantee that once you settle, after you marry some guy you don't love, you'll find the man you do love, and then all hell will break loose.

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Posted
Thanks--that explains a huge amount in terms of the Aussie women!

 

What do you mean? Explains what about Australian women?

Posted

Hmm, I believe you can grow to love someone over time, no matter who it is. But to each his own.

Posted

Noos--there is a thread called I have had enough and an Aussie woman was going on about fat people and I thought that yours was good insight to her position since you say that Aussie men want the hardbodies, etc.

 

We apologize for this hijack and will now return to your refgularly scheduled thread!

Posted

Does that romantic and physical attraction have to be there initially or should I just date guys that don't have it and hope that it develops later?

 

 

Noos,

you sound as picky as me! :laugh:

And you sound like a really good catch. :)

 

I think that the romantic and physical attraction can develop later - it has happened to me a lot of time... I meet a guy, I think he is nice, then I get to know him better and start to develope feelings and/or attraction.

 

I suggest that you go to dates with guys whom you find pleasant to spend time with, and see how things go from there.

 

Someone once made me notice that a big mistake of mine was dating only people I was *already* interested in.

I guess they were right, since the main purpose of dating should be finding out whether we are interested in the other person!!! :)

Posted

Noos,

 

Question: Have you ever, just randomly approached a man and started to make out-of-wack conversations, progressively deeming to be an extrovert?

 

I'm not sure, IF you are a fan of experiments, but I suggest you test out a theory -that may very well work out for you; or rather guide you to paradise-like feelings.

 

The main objective of the experiment, is to allow yourself to mutter enough courage to approach men who, you think would be an interesting catch from first glance. Act like you don't have a care in the world.

 

IF it does fail -or you do not wish to engage in the activity. Then I think you should just settle.

 

Because realistically speaking, you want to experience a little of the joy everyone else is experiencing. And, unless you risk; play it out; make a fool of yourself -you are least likely to engulf yourself in true bliss... love.

 

I don't mean to shatter your spirites, or sound harsh. I just think you should weigh it out.

 

Some ideas to think about.

Regards,

Sand&Water

Posted

women are just too picky

Posted

I just feel like maybe there is something wrong with what I think love is because I rarely meet a guy who makes me think 'wow!, I want to jump his bones!'

 

Maybe you're asexual. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t100646/

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Posted

No, I know what asexuality is and it's not that. I have felt lustful attraction to certain people in the past but it hasn't been reciprocated.

 

I have this problem that all the men I've ever been attracted to have been friends with me and used me for emotional support but then they meet a woman who looks like Pink Amulet - the hot blonde Aussie girl who was talking about fat people on the other thread - and date her, not me.

And these guys aren't himbos, they are attractive, smart, funny well-educated professional men.

 

And considering that the blonde, extroverted swimsuit model is the complete opposite of me (I'm the overeducated brunette with a dry sense of humour and probably a little more sophisticated (not meaning to sound like a wanker or anything) , I'm thinking maybe I should settle for what I can get rather than what I want.

Posted
No, I know what asexuality is and it's not that. I have felt lustful attraction to certain people in the past but it hasn't been reciprocated.

 

Been there. The only lustful attraction that lasted more than a couple of days and was reciprocated (even if the guy surely did not want a relationship) led me into an awful lot of trouble.

 

I have this problem that all the men I've ever been attracted to have been friends with me and used me for emotional support

 

One piece of advice, for all it's worth. (but for once I'm quite sure it's a good one)

 

Never, ever allow someone you are attracted to (and knows it!) to use you for emotional support and cry on your shoulder about some other girl.

 

It is one of the most frustrating things you can do to yourself, and it's going to make you bitter. Which in turn will not help.

 

Also, being friends with them (while still attracted by them) will

1) suck up a lot of time you could spend getting to know other guys

2) make it more difficult for you to get interested in soemone else.

 

I'm thinking maybe I should settle for what I can get rather than what I want.

 

I respectfully disagree - up to a point.

I'm all for "settling" when it comes to dating - date someone who does not look so interesting to you but whose company you enjoy (unless you are already 100% sure he could never be your kind of guy).

 

It's just a date (you don't have to ger romantic on a first date, it's just about getting to know the other person).

And they might really surprise you. You might find out that a guy is much more interesting than you'd have ever thought. :love:

Posted
No, I know what asexuality is and it's not that. I have felt lustful attraction to certain people in the past but it hasn't been reciprocated.

 

I have this problem that all the men I've ever been attracted to have been friends with me and used me for emotional support but then they meet a woman who looks like Pink Amulet - the hot blonde Aussie girl who was talking about fat people on the other thread - and date her, not me.

And these guys aren't himbos, they are attractive, smart, funny well-educated professional men.

 

And considering that the blonde, extroverted swimsuit model is the complete opposite of me (I'm the overeducated brunette with a dry sense of humour and probably a little more sophisticated (not meaning to sound like a wanker or anything) , I'm thinking maybe I should settle for what I can get rather than what I want.

 

 

How about if you can't beat them join them? What is stopping you from being the blonde hottie? Really it doesn't take that much.

 

About $130 at the salon and you'll be blonde, a personal trainer, some fake boobies(about $30 for the silicone bra inserts), clothes from Supre and you'll be all set.

 

If you don't like it, you can always change back.

Posted

Well, whatever works. You can just settle, get married, and then fall in love. With another man of course. Then you can divorce and be with the man you love. A woman not in love may find love. It just gets harder once you have to tell your husband about it.

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Posted
How about if you can't beat them join them? What is stopping you from being the blonde hottie? Really it doesn't take that much.

 

About $130 at the salon and you'll be blonde, a personal trainer, some fake boobies(about $30 for the silicone bra inserts), clothes from Supre and you'll be all set.

 

If you don't like it, you can always change back.

 

I have dark brown hair, black eyebrows and pale skin so going blonde would look horrendous. I've had a personal trainer and an eating disorder before and that just made me sore and anxious. Now I watch what I eat carefully and work out a lot by myself but am trying to be less compulsive about it.

 

Silicone bra inserts are pathetic - why does wanting to get to know me and my worth as a woman depend on my bra size if everything is in proportion and I'm not overweight? It not like a met a guy and ask him to whip it out and say - oh, sorry - I can't talk to you because you're not big enough...

 

I alredy do far better than Supre - Alannah Hill, Veronika Maine, David Lawrence, Witchery and Country Road, pedicure, Chanel lipstick ...and they still choose the Supre girl.

 

Why is overt, blonde sexuality preferable to feminine, sultry elegance? Why?

Posted

I would think of being a smart voluptuous sophisticated brunette in a land of blond "bimbos" as an advantage. You stand out and are unique

 

I don't think the issue has anything to do with looks at all, but with how you put yourself foward to the people you are attracted too. Believe me, I know, I used to be (and to some extent am still stuggling with being) that smart nice brunette guys would come to for emotional support.

 

I am learning to value the 'smart brunette' thing and use it as a "get me if you can/approach me if you dare" thing. Intelligence is extremely sexy to the guys I am attracted too, so it's been working for me date-wise. I now usually get the guy to ask me out. Now it's just finding one worth an emotional attachment that's the challenge.

Posted

I'm very interested in this thread. I have been struggling for years with this issue, settle vs wait. The problem is, damn it, I want it all . I want that lustfull attraction and butterflies. I want to be swept off my feet. I know plenty of girls that chose to settle though. My best friend did. She is a year older than me and is getting married soon. She doesn't love the guy, never did but he adores her and is nice and smart. Sometimes I think I'm living in a dream world. But I do know couples that are passionatly in love too and I wonder why can't it happen to me. Obviously, it's not completly unrealistic to think that it will.

 

I have also been a "friend" to a guy I was really attracted to. He used me for emotional support and is now with some anorexic looking girl that is overly extroverted to the point where you just want to hit her over the head and shut her up. Needlesly to say, we don't talk anymore.

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Posted

I have also been a "friend" to a guy I was really attracted to. He used me for emotional support and is now with some anorexic looking girl that is overly extroverted to the point where you just want to hit her over the head and shut her up. Needlesly to say, we don't talk anymore.

Well, get this Blueeyedgirl -

 

An acquaintance of mine is anorexic and had a baby last week. She's been anorexic for 17 years, is still, has osteoporosis and because her bones wouldn't heal, had to have pins in her arm, and she fell pregant by accident (she didn't think she could gt pregnant).

 

So it seems, some guys are even finding anorexic girls, with all the symptoms and mental issues that implies, more attractive for dates and shagging than normal girls like us!:eek:

Posted
women are just too picky

 

LOL yeah!:laugh::laugh::laugh:

Posted
I have dark brown hair, black eyebrows and pale skin so going blonde would look horrendous. I've had a personal trainer and an eating disorder before and that just made me sore and anxious. Now I watch what I eat carefully and work out a lot by myself but am trying to be less compulsive about it.

 

Silicone bra inserts are pathetic - why does wanting to get to know me and my worth as a woman depend on my bra size if everything is in proportion and I'm not overweight? It not like a met a guy and ask him to whip it out and say - oh, sorry - I can't talk to you because you're not big enough...

 

I alredy do far better than Supre - Alannah Hill, Veronika Maine, David Lawrence, Witchery and Country Road, pedicure, Chanel lipstick ...and they still choose the Supre girl.

 

Why is overt, blonde sexuality preferable to feminine, sultry elegance? Why?

 

 

If you are attracted to the guys who are attracted to the Supre girls then maybe those guys aren't so great after all?!

 

I guess my point is that these guys are attracted to a certain type; the blonde supre girls, just as you are attracted to a certain type.

 

Do you like the shy geeky computer nerd types at all? Many of them are overlooked and can't get a date and probably would appreciate a smart attractive gal like yourself.

Posted

Why is overt, blonde sexuality preferable to feminine, sultry elegance? Why?

 

Is this the attitude that you project? This may be an indication of where the problem lies.

 

I have a good friend who is a stripper. She's in physical therapy school now, but still dances occassionally. When I still drank we would go out together. She has long blond hair and blue eyes, I'm dark with dark eyes. We would attract different types of men. But the ratios were never out of proportion.

 

In the end it's about confidence and the aura you project. If you see yourself as ugly or not as good as the hot blond chicks, that's what other people will see too.

 

I'm sure you've heard this before but I am living proof. I wasn't born a sexpot. I am a bit overly intellectual myself. But when it comes to the sex, it's a marketplace. You advertise. You don't just present yourself and expect customers.

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