Curious

My ex and i spilt up about a week ago. I was told that he had fallen out of love with me and he was no longer sexually attracted to me. I asked him how long he had been feeling this way and he told me it occurred over a month to a month 1/2 time. I do know it wasnt due to anyone else being in the picture and i know that for sure. We had been together for almost 5 years and he asked me to marry him 5 1/2 months ago and bought me a ring.

When he told me this of course i was hurt, but i let him go. He was visibly sad and when he was telling my daughters bye (not his children) he was crying pretty heavily. I have not spoken to him whatsoever since he left until yesterday. He messaged me and asked if he could see my son and spend some time with him. I waited a while and messaged him back and said that was fine that after 1pm he would be home due to being in sunday school. My question is, is he using seeing my son as an excuse to see me? He is close to my kids but we split up about 2 years ago for 8 months and never once did he ask to see the kids. After a month of NC he contacted me then and we did the dating thing on and off up until about the last month when i put my foot down and said this wasnt for me and stayed away from him.

A week after that he wanted to get back together again. Im really trying to move on this time and i dont have time for games which weve both played in the past when we broke up. Im not saying that i wouldnt want to be back with him, i do love him, but i find myself thinking in the back of my head seeing my son (he is 4 and is this is not my ex's child, we have no children together but has been in my son's life since he was 3 1/2 weeks old) is just an excuse to see me and im trying so hard to not think that way in case he truly does want to spend time with my son. I dont want my son used as some excuse because its not fair to him. Any thoughts?

I asked him how long he had been feeling this way and he told me it occurred over a month to a month 1/2 time.

I understand that you want answers, but maybe the real answers lie in an evaluation of the way you have been treated over the course of your relationship.

This fallen-out-of-love "excuse" is really about not wanting to work on your relationship. True love has commitment - the kind that makes you try everything within your power to make something work.

We had been together for almost 5 years and he asked me to marry him 5 1/2 months ago and bought me a ring.

I really hope this isn't a clue.

He messaged me and asked if he could see my son and spend some time with him.

This is a tough one - with your son involved. But he's not prepared to honour his commitment to you, and so - can you really trust him to be an influence on your son? (Maybe I'm being a touch harsh here??) Anyway, for your own health I think you need to make it clear that he can't just waltz in and out of your life whenever he feels like it.

Your son has you, and that's what's important. Love he can count on.

We have had our ups and downs through the relationship as a lot couples do but i never really felt he didnt love me. I guess some more background on things would be helpful and i should have put that in there when i first posted. He accepted a new job about a month and a half ago and its one of those jobs to where he is gone through the week and only home on the weekends. I was livid to say the very least and pretty non supportive of it. I havent been the easiest person to live with over the course of the last month and have actually been pretty selfish of the fact that i was going to be alone and this and that. I said things that i never should have said which would have insinuated that there was a possibility that i may cheat on him, believe me I NEVER WOULD and i never have, but again, all i was thinking about was how this job was going to affect me. Then to make matters worse, and old friend of mine emailed him professing his feelings for me (that happened about 2 1/1 weeks before he left). I know that what i did was wrong and i thoroughly accept responsibility for being that way. Its no way for a grown woman to behave and i did email him the next day after he left explaining to him all of these things, why i acted that way, and gave him my sincerest apologies. The day he left i asked him if that email had anything to do with it and he told me no. In fact, he told me that it wasnt me at all it was him. He told me that how he knew he wasnt in love was because the email didnt affect him the way it should have, but a mutual friend told me differently. He told me that he was pretty ticked off about that email and made the comment to our friend "f*ck it, im outta here". Of course i think i had something to do with all of this due to my behavior and no, im not trying to fall into the trap of taking the blame for the relationship ending, i really wasnt that nice of a person this past month. Im sure i hurt his ego, his feelings, and god only knows what else. Thats why i didnt try to plead my case when he left, i felt "well u really did it this time jen" and told him i respected his decision. The weekend before all of this, he was completely normal acting, affectionate, caring, loving all the things he normally does. When he left for work he text messaged me on his breaks saying "just wanted to say hi and i luv u" and things of that nature. The day before the break up i bought a new cell phone and text messaged him from it and he sent me 14 text messages back wondering where i got the money for it..all i could bring myself to say was "i always get what i want" The next morning when he got in, he ended it. I did ask him about the way he acted the weekend prior and he told me he wanted to see if his feelings were still there for me or if there was anything left to salvage or something along those lines, i did ask why he needed 4 days to figure that out, but he never really answered me.

No one needs to tell me how horrible ive been, i know i have and believe me i feel just terrible. Ive never acted that way before, ever. I was so worried about how this job of being away all the time was going to affect our relationship that i cant help but think i was the one that drove him to that point, regardless of what he told me. I havent pressured him, contacted him, nothing at all other than that email i sent to him trying to explain why i acted the way i acted and apologizing for being a complete ass. I guess i thought that if he thought he would lose me, he would find a local job. So stupid i was. Then on the other hand, i keep thinking about the things he told me the day he left and wonder if none of the things i did had any bearing on it. I try not to think about it all tho and just move on because i feel ive caused enough problems but his message about seeing my son through me off. Believe me if nothing else, ive learned a hard lesson from all of this and have done A LOT of soul searching this past week. I just didnt expect to hear from him so soon nor did i expect him to ask to spend time with the kids. So there u have it...thats pretty much all of the events that happened leading up to the day he left. I just found it ironic that he told me his feelings changed over this past month and a half and thats exactly when he started that job and i started acting like a dumb b*tch.

PS. Before it comes up that he left me for someone else, i know thats not the case. He is gone through the week yes, but never in the same area. He works 12-16 hour days, night shift at that and his check reflects this. Its not just him either, he rides with another person that lives in this area that does the same job and they room together and what not. I know what its like to be cheated on as ive been down that road years ago with my ex husband and i know what the signs are inside and out, not too mention women usually have a feeling something is amiss..i never saw any of these signs or felt that something was wrong.

, but again, all i was thinking about was how this job was going to affect me.

Maybe this is a communication thing. You know, talk about it so that you both understand why things are the way they are. Whether it is a (temporary) sacrifice for extra money, or skill development, or whatever.

It sounds like you were "shutting down" somewhat on your end. You made a judgement and you were sticking to it. Was this new job a joint decision, in your mind??

Then to make matters worse, and old friend of mine emailed him professing his feelings for me (that happened about 2 1/1 weeks before he left).

You need to be telling your "friend" to back off. Not acceptable!!

It's about being decisive and stepping in to make your feelings clear. But this isn't your fault!!!! You're not trying to tell me that you coerced your "friend" into doing this??!!

and i did email him the next day after he left explaining to him all of these things, why i acted that way, and gave him my sincerest apologies.

It's great to get it all down on paper, but I hope you followed that up by emphasising your feelings to him face to face?

, he told me that it wasnt me at all it was him.

A relationship takes two. I guess that's supposed to mean he doesn't want to try any more? (That line is just sooo old.)

He told me that how he knew he wasnt in love was because the email didnt affect him the way it should have, but a mutual friend told me differently.

He knew he wasn't in love because of an email??!! That is far too simplistic, and so disrespectful that there isn't a word for it.

Believe me if nothing else, ive learned a hard lesson from all of this and have done A LOT of soul searching this past week.

Sometimes that's all we can do. Learn. I'm sorry that you're going through this.

Yes he accepted the position due to needing the money, he only wanted to keep it for about 6 months or so to save up some money. He wanted to start up a small business and wanted me to run it for him and this job offers A LOT of money.

I dont feel the job was a joint decision, i feel he just accepted it without regards to how i would feel. He did try explaining to me that it would help money issues (i had been laid off at the end of april of this year until recently i got another job) and like i said with wanting that business that he wanted to start he thought it would be great.

Oh yes me and and the guy that sent that do NOT speak anymore. I had no idea he would even do something so devious as that. My ex thought i had actually wrote that email and then had the other guy send it to him. I couldnt believe he would even think that. Believe me, i went off on the guy for doing something so stupid as that.

I havent had a chance to speak to him since he left or see him, but i did express how much i loved him in the email i sent, he never responded to the email i sent either.

He did just text message me and told me "got work in 3hrs cant today next sunday if its ok by u just lemme know plz" So now im pissed. I didnt tell my son that he asked to see him or that he would see him (thank god) because i was concerned if he truly would, and he didnt. But if he knew he was going to be leaving to go to work today, why even bother texting me yesterday to ask to see him? Makes no sense. Then of course the thoughts in my mind are that he is covered in hickies or something so he wants to avoid hurting me. I guess those are normal thoughts tho. I havent text him back yet, dunno if i even should. I dont wanna fall victim to any games of going back and forth and now i feel that everything he said to me last friday was in fact the truth. But i cant shake this feeling there is more to it than that.

But i cant shake this feeling there is more to it than that.

I guess all you can do is make your true feelings clear to him.

Can you really trust him any more? Was it not him that left the relationship??

How does that Santana song go again?

"Give me your heart

Make it real

Or else forget about it"

I really don't know what to suggest. I know you want to blame yourself, but you have done a lot of soul-searching, and that takes courage... maybe it is time that he did the same??

Agreed...im just unsure now if i should text him back regarding my son or just not even bother with it.

I think if he is going to talk to anyone, it should be you. Not your son. (I would take an all-or-nothing approach here.)

But I'm just a hard-arsed bastard.

Yeah im not even going to waste my time with texting him back. In my eyes if he cared THAT much to see him, he could have seen him yesterday, or he could have actually called at 1pm like he agreed to and spent a couple hours with him. Hell, its 3pm now he still could have spent a couple hours if he really wanted to see him. Besides, he knows that next weekend they will be at their daddys house for the weekend and wont be back home until around 1pm then, it would be the scenario as today, he has to leave for work on sunday evenings.

Try to focus on that which you can control. You're doing really well.

Frankly, I doubt he fell out of love in a month. I'm sure he's hurt and upset at your reaction to his job thing...as you said, your response was all about you and you did say some pretty mean things. And I'm sure that email didn't help after you insinuated you might cheat on him.

I don't know what's up with the visiting with your son thing, but I don't necessarily see that you need to be upset that he wants to see him. You don't have to let him, of course. And it's perfectly likely he didn't know he'd have to go in to work today, which is why he missed the visiting time window.

Why don't you give him time to give this some thought? He's probably still very hurt and confused. In the meantime, don't be a b*tch, and don't immediately question his sincerity and motivations, since that's probably what got you in this situation in the first place...won't help to get him back if that's what you want. It's not a coincidence that he started 'falling out of love' when you became upset about his choices for the future - a future he did want you to be in since he thought you might help manage his business...

In the meantime, don't be a b*tch, and don't immediately question his sincerity and motivations, since that's probably what got you in this situation in the first place...won't help to get him back if that's what you want.

You're so right, norajane.

A level head is what's called for here.

Well thats why ive not contacted him. I feel like i should let him determine if he ever wants to talk to me again. I hope im making the right decision on that. It just irritated me that he would say he was coming to see brandon then tell me today he couldnt mostly because what if i had told brandon he was going to go see him (his father used to do that crap all the time to our kids until he straightened up and it just ended up hurting them), and he knows he leaves to go into work every sunday so him not knowing isnt a factor. And i do love him, very much, and i dont want to mess up anything else, so im just trying to go on with things and hope that he will at least be my friend one day if nothing else. Like i said, hard lesson learned here. It amazes me so much that i would stoop to such a childish level, im NOTHING like that, i have my moments as everyone does, but my god. Hopefully he will see i messed up and that im genuinely sorry and that i love him, i just have nothing left to do now but wait and see.

Well a week has passed since i posted that and he did get in touch with me today asking for my son again and i said ok. I took my son to his house and it was soo awkward but i managed to be very calm and collected thru it. My other children were with me as well and he kissed them and hugged them etc. There was eye contact between the 2 of us as he was approaching my car but my daughter yelled for him and he looked away to her. He got my son and as he was walking away with him he looked back at me and said "bye" and waved at me. He had him for a couple hours then he texted me to come get him because he had to leave for the trip to work. I went to pick my son up and he put him in his carseat and gave all the kids a kiss. He told them that he wanted them all next Sunday and wanted to spend the whole day with all of them and said maybe they could go to the park. He told them bye and closed the door, as he was walking away he looked up at me and waved and said bye and thank u for letting me have him. I said ur welcome and i drove away. Hardest damn thing ive ever had to do thus far. While he had brandon he texted me and asked me if he could cut his hair..i said yeah. I did text him about a half hour ago telling him thank you for taking him that its all he has talked about since he had been home and he text me back with LOL. I thought he may have taken that as me being sarcastic..as in saying "gee thanx he wont shut up about it now" so i sent another and said sorry, i meant i appreciated it wasnt being sarcastic" and he never responded to that one. So i wont text, email, IM until i hear from him next weekend. I just hope im going about this the right way, im trying so hard. But it also hurts to see him and i wanna make sure im doing the right thing for the kids. Ppl keep questioning why he suddenly wants to see the kids now when he has never asked before to see them when we were broken up awhile back and they keep telling me they think its odd since they arent his kids, we were never married etc. Others tell me its a way for him to still see me, others say he misses them. Its so confusing to be on my end right now. The park thing next weekend has me in frazzles because at this point in time, his vehicle isnt running and he has no way to get them there... what if he asks me to take them? I know im completely and utterly insane right now but this is so hard. Im trying to be so strong and act like im ok with his decision and im sooo not. I have not contacted him AT ALL thru any of this, he has initiated all contact with me other than me texting him a lil while ago saying i appreciated what he was doing, because i really do. I know the kids love him. Its just sooo damn hard to see him so soon after he left me..(it was 2 weeks this past friday) but if i tell him no he cant see them, i will hurt the kids AND run the risk of pushing him out the door altogether. Wow there just is no simple answer for any of this. Sorry to vent.

I know im completely and utterly insane right now but this is so hard.

You're mad and you know it? Haha.

Im trying to be so strong and act like im ok with his decision and im sooo not. I have not contacted him AT ALL thru any of this, he has initiated all contact with me other than me texting him a lil while ago saying i appreciated what he was doing, because i really do. I know the kids love him. Its just sooo damn hard to see him so soon after he left me..(it was 2 weeks this past friday) but if i tell him no he cant see them, i will hurt the kids AND run the risk of pushing him out the door altogether. Wow there just is no simple answer for any of this. Sorry to vent.

Hey. Sorry you're going through this whirlwind.

This is my take - your children are secondary to the question of your relationship right now. I think you should lay your cards on the table, and tell him exactly how you feel. If he needs time to think about it, then that's okay - just leave the children out of it.

I don't see how seeing the children is going to sort out these questions he has (if he really has them) about YOU. I'm sure they're wonderful kids, but... do you see my point?

Spit it out, and sweat it out. Hopefully you don't have to sweat for too long. The more the children are in the "middle" the harder it is going to be for you - and I think it's just complicating the real issue here... are you right for each other?

I had been doing ok, not great by any means, but ok until today when i saw him. Now im sitting here bawling my eyes out and im pissed off at myself for crying and for everything else. I dunno what questions he would have about me, unless he thinks i did something wrong during the last month we were together, which is highly probable. But he would NEVER tell me that..he wont talk about the things he feels, he holds stuff in until he cant deal with it or he and i get into a huge arguement. If i were to tell my kids they cant go see him anymore, it woudl crush them then i would feel terrible for hurting them. Its like im now stuck and i dunno which way to turn. Either way someone gets hurt and of course, because im a mother, i dont wanna hurt my kids by saying no u cant see him anymore. I think after this weekend coming up if he asks to see them again, im saying no. I cant do this to myself. Its too painful, at least right now. I knew it would be hard to see him so soon, but i had NO idea it would be THIS hard for me or i would have never agreed to it in the first place. This all didnt even hit me until this evening when i got home.

, i dont wanna hurt my kids by saying no u cant see him anymore.

Hey you.

Sorry it's so hard.

I think this is more about telling him what you want, and then leaving the children out of the equation until you get a decision from him. Tell him that this is going to be the way things are.

I'm not saying that you won't have to deal with your children asking cold whether they can see him - maybe you can explain it as you needing to work through some things at the moment.

So... don't tell your children that they can't see him - and if they ask about him have a position ready to state.

Try not to blame yourself - you have explained your feelings, and now the rest is (out of your control?) down to him.

Good luck.

Well today at work he started texting me at like 830 this morn...first it was about the kids, then went to small talk. He was talkin about his job, then sending me pics he had taken of my son yesterday. He contined this all the way up until 1145 this morn. I didnt hear anymore from him until i got off work and i stopped at the store to get something and i get a text that says "i c u lol" as i was driving away from the store. I typed back a bunch of questions marks and he said i was just at the store where u were and was in the line across from u..i typed back "lol" and said that i worked beside that store thats why i was there and he wanted to know where it was i worked etc. I played it ALL very calm cool and collected today being nice, but not overly nice and sticking to the texts..never mentioned ANYTHING regarding us or anything even near that. I thought wow this is great maybe he will come around, that is until tonite. Tonite i log onto myspace and i saw his profile..a female left the comment on his page that said "wish u were here" and i got sick. So i texted him..sorry but i wanted to know. So i asked him did he leave me for her is that why all this happened so suddenly and he text me back and said no, i asked him are u and her "talking" and he said the most dreaded words i could have read..he said "In a way"...i thought for sure he at least still felt something for me. I asked him how did this happen so fast and a couple other questions that i never got to ask him the day he left me..just 2 weeks ago..but he never responded to that. I cant believe i have lost him this fast. I cant believe that only 3 weeks ago he was the same normal person to me as he always was..i cant believe that the texts he sent to me 3 days before he left me that said "hey on a break just wanted to say hi and i love u"and " hey brat <3" were lies. I know the signs when someone isnt in love, i know what to look for and i KNOW i wasnt that blind. I just cant grasp this right now im totally falling apart. All the texts today, wtf were they for? Had this happened a month or 2 ago, i could probably understand but 2 damn weeks!!!??? And i KNOW he wasnt seeing her before this, i KNOW THAT. Im so sorry for sounding like a childish idiot, but i am so hurt right now...im beyond hurt, im crushed. Ive already thrown up because thats how sick to my stomach it made me. I wish i had never seen that...i went from feeling really good today about things, so proud because he was the one initiating all the contact with me and not me contacting him, and that he was actually thinking about me enuff to even bother to contact me to this. In a matter of hours. He told the kids he was taking em to the park next weekend, now i have to be the idiot to break their hearts and tell em they arent going because i doubt if he wants em now and i dont think its a good idea to let em go if he is starting something new with someone else and will eventually get tired of seeing them. Sorry for rambling..im such a mess right now.

The children have you, and that's what's important. I don't mean to sound insensitive, but he is just an "accessory".

Look at it this way - you have made your feelings clear to him. And I think that's all you can do.

I would try not to be sticking hot needles in your sensitive bits by checking out his cyberspace "haunts", though. As hard as it is, you need to be thinking about what is best for you and your children now.

And that's not to get into any of these "games".

You're the boss of your life. Your children can rely on you. And you can rely on your own strength to get you through this.

If there are lessons you feel you have brought from this relationship, then that's no small thing. But try not to blame yourself. It took courage to make your feelings clear to him... and you were brave enough to do that.

Admitting your mistakes is never easy. But expect what you think you deserve, and nothing less. It seems to me that you deserve much more than the "treatment" you are getting from him.

Take extra good care of yourself. I'm sorry that you're going through a really tough time. My thoughts are with you.