Want To Hear People's Thoughts On This Situation

Hello Everyone,

So I've been reading through alot of these posts for the last year or so and I love reading these, it has helped me alot in my past breakup, but now I have a new situation and I think I already know the answer, but you know how it is when you question everything! lol Ok, here goes:

I will try to keep this short. I met a great guy online last summer, but I will admit when I met him, I was not over a prior ex. I was trying to get back out there and meet new people and it had been awhile since I had seen that prior ex, so I didn't think I was jumping the gun getting back into the scene and I intended to be honest with anyone new I met anyway. Thats just what I did when I met this guy. We started chatting online and then of course on the phone and it was great, we had the best conversations and I let him know from the beginning that I am someone who always needs to go slow and I had gone thru some past stuff that this was especially true at that point in my life - thats all I asked for, to just proceed slowly, like any 2 normal people might do when they are first mtg. Unfortunately I think me saying this made him like me more because after our first date, he was smitten big time and within that first week asked me where I thought this was going. I know that sounds crazy right off the bat, but we had talked soooo much and I could tell he was such a great guy that I let his overeagerness slide and tried to just talk with him about how we only had 2 dates at that point and I did like him so I just re-reminded him that I needed to go slow and again he said okay.

I could go on and on and on but we ended up dating for about 9 months and in that time, it was good and not so good. He was very clingy and sometimes smothering but not in a way that made me run for the hills. He just qiestioned everything all the time and I felt like we never had a chance to just progress naturally. Maybe me telling him I needed to go slow from the beginning threw things off, I don't know anymore, but we ended up breaking up, twice, my doing.

I have never been in this situation before where I feel like I hurt someone else and I know I hurt him when I broke things off. The first time he was just sooooo smothering that I felt backed into a corner, but I also saw him as such a great guy and I knew I had my own baggage I was still dealing with so I took responsibility for it as well. The 2nd time we were just fighting so much and I was very upset to break it off but obviously not upset enough since I did it. I am very hard on myself and analyze things too much but after that 2nd breakup I was very upset and missed him, but I knew we just needed some time apart. He asked for us not to be friends cause it would hurt him, so I obliged. A few weeks later he called and we started to talk again and it was great. No pressure and no questions and constant clingy-ness and we got along great. We did make plans to meet up and I started to feel differently and I was excited about that. Almost as soon as that happened, he changed, which figures right.

There is so much more to this story and I know there are 2 sides to every story and I do not think he is an evil bad man, but for the last 4 months, I have been trying to see if we could work at things again and he has changed sooooo much and is not the same man. You'd think that alone could answer my question of what to do now but its not that black and white. I didn't expect him to do cartwheels cause I finally realized I felt different but he called me and this is what he said he wanted all along and he even told me he loved me - but then he's been distant and shady the last 4 months. He'll tell you he's been busy and he's not going to kiss my ass anymore, which I never asked him to do, but its gotten now to the point where I am ignoring him because he has been stringing me along, playing games and everything for the last 4 months. I have tried everything since I felt like I had to prove to him that I felt things differently - I tried calling, IM'ing, texting, not doing those things, leaving nice messages, sending nice emails, even stopping at his house and leaving a note - I thought I needed to prove to him that I was serious - but he became ignorant and downright degrading at times, which rips me to the core. Gosh, writing this I know how it must sound, but for the 9 months we dated, he was really a great and caring guy, just too smothering for me at the time, but now I feel like I need to do NC but I am scared too. I'm afraid its my fault and I missed my chance - maybe I did but then he doesn't deserve to play games with me now right, he should be straight. Any insights??

He sounds WAAAYYYY too high maintenance - move on. This isn't an entangled relationship with longevity, commitments, kids, etc., but you'd think it was all that with the way things have been going.

He also sounds passive-aggressive, and I'll bet he's "faking" his lack of questioning too.

Move on. 'nuff said.

I guess the hard part is like I said, for the 9 months we dated, he was such a great guy and even though he was over eager and too smothering at times, he was so sensitive and smart and has such a good head on his shoulders. I guess I always wonder then why he was over eager, but I took it as a compliment - but maybe thats me being naive.

You think he's faking his lack of questioning? What do you mean, like he's purposely acting like he doesn't care? I just never had to worry about this with him before, he always made me feel so cared about and special, even when we fought but then BAM, he's changed and I can't shake the feeling that I deserve this because I had him and didn't want it as much then - but with time and some space, I realized how much I missed him and if its too late, then he should just tell me that, not play these games.

The NC is hard though. The last time we talked was 2 saturdays ago and we had plans to meet and he worked overtime and never called me or anything to tell me and he im'd me that night...which is unacceptable to me when I know he could have taken 2 minutes to call and cancel, so I said he could have called and then logged off the computer. 2 weeks went by and he just tried im'ing me this past saturday and I ignored it and he im'd me again today and I ignored it.....he's being such an immature jerk - one minute telling me he's removing me from his buddy list and then im'ing me today. If he wants to talk to me he can call me, I am so sick of im'ing conversations with him. I know reading this it must sound so clear as to what to do, but I saw a different side of him when he was 100% open and trying for something he really wanted....he was just coming on too strong in the beginning. Maybe I am hopeless. lol

Just my opinion, but....

There seems to be alot of people out there nowadays who are prone to (or addicted to) the 'electric jolt' of short-term relationships.

I don't know so (but do think so) that it has to do with the overwhelming availability of all the 'instant' ways and means to 'date' in our very technical, modern world.

I am speaking directly about online dating.

I think it contributes to the already sad reputation that modern-day dating is having to deal with.

It seems to me, that with more and more people, the easy access to many dates, if one 'bombs' - also promotes a lack of responsibility, and a sort of 'de-valuing' of the whole concept of the true meaning of romantic relationships, and how they should be developed and treated.

When these relationships are formed, the 'sick' person, who may be addicted to the emotional 'high', already knows, through many previous experiences, that it will only last until the next relationship, which will happen only a few months later.

Some, I believe, have this unrealistic expectation of the 'ideal' relationship -storybook, if you will- which is based on what he/she feels is the grandest thing possible, but has never attained with anyone.

I believe their ideas are so pre-formed that they never truly see their 'dates' as who they really are, as well.

This kind of grand illusion of the unattainable, though, is one reason why the 'high' suddenly disappears when, after a few months, reality and everyday routines have become established and the picture of who you are actually begins to filter through their rose-colored glasses.

At that point, they are off to pursue the euphoria of the next 'high with the next prospective 'forever' person.

These people have very immature romantic beliefs and live in a constant state of unreality where white horses, heroic knights, and romantic warriors still exist. Their pink ice-cream dreams are filled with lustful, romantic notions of being swept away with the type of love in drugstore novels and cannot seem to accept the down-to-earth realism of day-to-day life where love does still exist, but is not breathless every moment.

And it's that kind of breathlessness that they are seeking, -and they often find what they believe is the possibility of it through high-traffic means of connecting with others: online dating sites.

My dear, I do not know for sure, but I believe you may have met such a man as I have described.

Do not be so regretful. You are, in actuality, very lucky to have it end now. The likelihood of it ever developing into anything long-term was very low from the 'get-go'.

You will do much better next time. Experience is good medicine.

(Smile)

Take care.

-Rio

Rio...Bravo! That was one of the best anologies one could ever read. As I read it, I thought about how much it resembled my ex and unreal expectations!

Thank you...you made my year!

Smile back at ya!

Thank you guys so much for your responses. I myself have only done the online dating thing a couple of times and have met some really great people. He said that was his first time trying it and he was skeptical about it. I guess the hard part is we dated for 9 months and we had good times and bad times, but thru it all he was still a very respectful and caring man. I keep thinking maybe he got fed up with waiting for me to feel as strongly as he did and now that I kinda have, he's just fed up. But, in retrospect, this has been going on for 4 months now and I just recently tried the NC and he's contacted me 3 times via IM now. I never had to worry about games before with him, it was such an enlightening experience to meet someone that you didn't have to worry about games with. No thats blown. I am sure if you talked to him he'd have his own side and version of things too and I am more than willing, or was, to talk everything out with him.....but now he can't even pick up a phone to call me, he weasels out and IM's me. I just feel like I have met someone with multi personalities.

Swirly27,

re: " I just feel like I have met someone with multi personalities."

And my response to that is, -you may have.

-Rio