Why trust?

Funny, the person I dated bailed on me the minute I started having a crisis with my family. They just up and gave up without question, citing, I don't want to support you..I don't want to be your mother. Maybe I just have this feeling that now adays all people are like this and you have to be strong all the time and not show your true self to someone.

I had a rough time..for like 2 weeks. She bailed on me at day 3. What to do in that situation...I don't know. I think that my trsut issue is also the fact that I see women wanting men so bad they will walk 2 miled to there house. They will call them up etc... and knowing my ex never did those things for me for three long years. I mean I almost feel like there is no one good enough, maybe because I havn't met them.

Yea i know how you feel. Many posters here think that love is worth the pain (mostly women) but when u r hurt, u r cautious so you won't hurt yourself again. If you got hurt because you did something, then would you want to do that again to get hurt? unless... you are a masochist and love pain because pain gets you off.

 

womenist will say "oh but if u don't invest all your heart in love, then you aren't" blah blah bull crap.

 

Lindya: Like I said, "modern people" like you and most girls now have low tolerance to faults and are much more willing to just throw out a flawed character.

 

To protect my ass, I KNOW there are exceptions and not EVERYONE is like this. but from my world observations, it is very true. idealist will argue against it. And I read great expectations in 6th grade, so i would not understand much of your allusions. Yes, if the equipment is TOO damage, you get a new. But "too damage" is a relative statement. How much damage is "too damage"? Some people who value the relationship will try to fix it till the end while there are those who... just toss you even if you got a small scratch. I think these are the people the OP is afraid of and afraid of trusting.

More than half of the responses to this thread, saying trust is just part of the package, have been from men. Just pointing that out. (Yay guys!)

I'm sorry you've been hurt ddnnee...but we all have. That's how we ended up here. You might want to spend more time reading around the site and then reconsider your "world observations".

I was very upfront with my girlfriend about how I was in the beginning. Made it known there were certain issues I had to deal with in life. Tried to put her off! She pursued me though. I eventually dropped my guard and allowed myself to fall in love. We had a good relationship.

There was no sugar-coated BS at all. I dropped my guard because I had this understanding from her that we were to stand by each other through the hard times.

She walked out on me after we uprooted our lives and I was in a vulnerable position.

I am now dealing with more emotional mess, face bankruptcy and AFAIK (or actually I don't know because she will not face me) she has taken her better option with someone else. Yes, I do blame her and I feel she really ****ing screwed me over and took no responsibility.

How are you supposed to conquer that trust issue?

There is still something inside me that wants to love again. You have to drop your guard to do that. I am just not ready.

I am interested to know if this is a gender issue. This climbing ladders thing worries me. I don't use people. We were supposed to be a team. But it seems people (OK, I'll say it young women) are fed this celebrity culture and think it's a reasonable way to act.

Not trying to start a gender war

I was very upfront with my girlfriend about how I was in the beginning. Made it known there were certain issues I had to deal with in life. Tried to put her off! She pursued me though. I eventually dropped my guard and allowed myself to fall in love. We had a good relationship.

 

There was no sugar-coated BS at all. I dropped my guard because I had this understanding from her that we were to stand by each other through the hard times.

 

She walked out on me after we uprooted our lives and I was in a vulnerable position.

 

I am now dealing with more emotional mess, face bankruptcy and AFAIK (or actually I don't know because she will not face me) she has taken her better option with someone else. Yes, I do blame her and I feel she really ****ing screwed me over and took no responsibility.

 

How are you supposed to conquer that trust issue?

 

There is still something inside me that wants to love again. You have to drop your guard to do that. I am just not ready.

 

I am interested to know if this is a gender issue. This climbing ladders thing worries me. I don't use people. We were supposed to be a team. But it seems people (OK, I'll say it young women) are fed this celebrity culture and think it's a reasonable way to act.

 

Not trying to start a gender war

I understand - you'll find lots of women saying the same thing about men. But both are untrue, of course. It's just pain talking, and the need to find an easy answer where sometimes there isn't one.

I'm not ready to trust again, either. But like you, there's something in me that does want to love again. And I trust that, in time, I'll be ready to. That's the story of, that's the glory of love.

Your profile on match.com was both adorable and intriguing. I winked at you there so even if you're no longer a member you can find me. My id there is stevepetty, my email is [email protected]. would love to explore!

Steve

Oh yeah. Same here. [email protected]. For a wild ride you should also try [email protected]. Trust me, he's good! Also [email protected] is good. [email protected] is not bad, but hard to pronounce... I could go on.

Your profile on match.com was both adorable and intriguing. I winked at you there so even if you're no longer a member you can find me. My id there is stevepetty, my email is [email protected]. would love to explore!

Steve

Dude .. you need to rewrite you profile... needy.. needy.. needy..

"To be frank, I want to get married and “live” the rest of our (that’s a rhetorical “our”)life together.

"

"oh Shallow Steve says she must be very attractive,"

Classic.. I'll bet you don't go on alot of dates..

Ddnnee,

re: " The solution is if you ever meet anyone, do not invest all your love into the relationship. Remember your priorities and keep them straight. Real life is not a disney fairy tale - rarely does it end with "married happily ever after". If you do not give 100% of your heart, then if things fail, you will not be hurt 100%."

It's actually, your ***self-respect*** that you keep for yourself, -you still give all the love you hold.

-Rio

People get mad at you when you doubt them.

I have doubts...the tiniest little inconsistency in what they say sets me into doubt mode.

I cant blame my stbxh for me being this way...even though all he did was confirm all my fears...I was like this when he came along too.

Mabey Im right to doubt though...Ive had enough people screw with me before to know not to go trusting everyone.

Sucks when you really like someone imparticular and you cant get over your fears.

Just saw a statisitic that 1 in 3 married British women have cheated.

Now I'm pretty sceptical on statistics but...

There is a thriving board on LS about people justifying their relationship with a married partner. In fact, my ex-GF best friend was involved with a married man. It was her opinion that "What can they do, they love each other". It just seems that the current views amongst women is that it is OK to cheat to satisfy their own emotional needs. That is what they believed and if you pick up any 'lifestyle' magazine you'll read the same thing.

What a load of BS.

Maybe I'm just old fashioned.

Just saw a statisitic that 1 in 3 married British women have cheated.

 

Now I'm pretty sceptical on statistics but...

 

There is a thriving board on LS about people justifying their relationship with a married partner. In fact, my ex-GF best friend was involved with a married man. It was her opinion that "What can they do, they love each other". It just seems that the current views amongst women is that it is OK to cheat to satisfy their own emotional needs. That is what they believed and if you pick up any 'lifestyle' magazine you'll read the same thing.

Um. Weird. You might try noticing that there's another half in that relationship. A male half. Who is already married.

Also, just for the sake of the argument, I'll point out that the majority of the members of that board are women who aren't married involved with men who are.

So, how does that fit into your statistic and scientific theories based on lifestyle magazines?

What a load of BS.

Indeed.

You're right. I'm talking out of hurt and anger. My apologies.

To set the record straight, after posting this I then thought about what I said and reviewed many posts on here. There are men and women on all sides of hurt so making it gender related is wrong. People in the wrong, people in the right and people who make mistakes.

And here one of our top male policticans today had his affair exposed after decades of marriage.

I guess I am trying to fathom what relationships mean to people these days. Much as many mens lifestyle magazine promote 'shagging' about without consequence, I have read many womens magazines that seem to excuse or rationalise lustful behaviour, as if people have no control.

I have never cheated on anyone. Has someone flirted with me and made advances when I've been in a LTR? Of course, but I respected my partner and our relationship. I'm not walking round weighing up my relationship against what I might be able to get elsewhere all the time. Not constantly thinking "is this right for me?". More like, "what's right for us?".

Back to the issue of trust, it is hard to get it back when someone has totally betrayed it.

I take back what I said before. It was BS.

Well womens magazines are just trash...mostly advertisements...then anything to make women buy it.

What do you do when someone tells you this and that about their life and other things then later they say it is not true and they never said that...what do you do when this happens over and over again?

Except the stuff its about makes no sense why they would do that...wierd.

I guess you do what I just did...you tell them what the problem is and tell them goodbye...at least it was peacefull.

Every relationship comes to an end . Wether it be through breakup or death. On this site you read quite a bit about breakups and upset and anger associated with them. Each one of us has had some kind of hurt ,most have had our hearts broken and had major dissapointments in our life.

I'm divorced and many times I feel like I hate my exH .I think he did some really horrible things to me , he stole my children .Really I do think that . Its much easier to blame or hate someone else or just be depressed than it is to move on and make the most out of what you've got .

I think a lot of this is due to entitlement. You see ,when I met my exH I didn't notice the things that I didn't like ,but the things I did. And slowly over time I began to notice them more and more as did he with things about me . It simply was not good relationship material .

Our marrige fell apart.If he hadn't gotten the kids he would feel like I had stolen his children. I'm not entitled to a good marrige or a perfect life ,or to anything being the way I want it to be no matter how hard I work at it. Its not his fault that he was not the person I saw when we married just as it is not my fault that he didn't notice that I wasn't either.

However he did and still does have some of the qualities that I loved in him ,as does each person I've fallen for . It makes it much easier to hate or be angry with someone for hurting you . Occasionally I hate my exH , he can be a real ass ,but then I realize that he's used that endearing term , or he still cocks his head a certain way when hes angry ,or he tripped when we were arguing as he decided to storm off and it embarassed him b/c he likes to believe hes cool. He still has those things , just not the things I imagined were there.

With each person that I've loved ,I was lucky to have experienced them ,unlucky too , but I learned lessons and gained something in myself.if you don't trust anyone you never get this chance.

Um. Weird. You might try noticing that there's another half in that relationship. A male half. Who is already married.

 

Also, just for the sake of the argument, I'll point out that the majority of the members of that board are women who aren't married involved with men who are.

 

So, how does that fit into your statistic and scientific theories based on lifestyle magazines?

 

 

 

Indeed.

This is so odd, I agree with you that the married man is in fact the one thats married .But I read the OW forum sometimes and you hear this quite a lot ."He's the one thats married hes the one to blame". But if you are a OW you are the one who's choosing to have sex with someone else's husband , thats your call.Why point your finger at the MM ?

Well I agree with the OP - people should be viewed with a degree of distrust until proven otherwise. I mean don't *assume* they will break their word, but be aware that it's always possible. Don't commit everything until you are *really* sure.

The only way to trust someone is to know through experience that they are reliable and keep their promises. Have you seen this person be in a situation where they would gain by breaking someone's trust, but they still kept their side of the bargain? Do you know this person inside and out, over a period of several years, in a variety of situations? Whether they are charming, beautiful, witty, in love with you etc makes no difference to how trustworthy they may be. Being married and having kids with you will not make an untrustworthy person trustworthy.

Until you've known someone a long time and done a lot with them, you can't really trust them IMO. There are like 2 or 3 people in the world, apart from my parents, that I would say I trust 100% - if you "trust" like 10 people or more, chances are you are just mistaken.

In addition, I think you need to be quite an astute judge of character to know if someone is trustworthy. Many people are somewhat naive/gullible, and think if someone seems nice & friendly, that they are automatically trustworthy. In fact, sometimes the friendly smiling types are in fact unreliable or even duplicitous when it comes down to it. Whereas that abrasive curmudgeon in the corner might be totally reliable. And don't forget that for most people, self-interest trumps morals & principles. Always ask yourself would this person go to jail for me, would they betray me for $10 million, would they run back into a burning building to try to save my life if I was trapped etc.

Finally, there's always a risk in a relationship. You can never be 100% sure about the future. Even if someone is 100% trustworthy, there's other ways it can end - one of you could die in a car accident or what have you. There are no guarantees in life except death & taxes. You just have to ask yourself, is this the person you want to take that risk with?

What you can guarantee is that if you *never* trust anyone, you'll never be totally in love and have that trust rewarded. It's all about being selective and striking a balance.

This is so odd, I agree with you that the married man is in fact the one thats married .But I read the OW forum sometimes and you hear this quite a lot ."He's the one thats married hes the one to blame". But if you are a OW you are the one who's choosing to have sex with someone else's husband , thats your call.Why point your finger at the MM ?

Well, I'm a BS so I'm hardly defending cheating. I was just pointing out to TL that he was talking about women taking marriage more lightly while simultaneously talking about the OW/OM board, which is largely populated by single women involved with married men. Which you must admit is a bit roundabout. As for cheating in general, I tend to think that both parties, married or not, are generally acting out of selfishness. Men and women can both suck at times. And I have serious trust issues myself as a result of it. So there.

Anyway, TL very graciously recanted, which was quite decent of him. Thanks.