Sharing my experience of NC and letting go!

Today I ran across an email I sent to my Xbf (Michael) after he played with my heart a second time last summer. It was a very hard time for me and it was very very very hard for me to let go but I did it and it was the best thing I ever did. I felt like sharing my LAST contact, with you all, with him. Below is a copy of the last email and it really helped for me to say the things I said. When I was able to actually put it on paper (email); it became a reality for me and gave me a way to let go.. It wasnt easy because this man really had my whole heart in his hands and he hurt it deeply...

When I sent this letter I also CC'd the OW (Wanda).. I CC'd the OW so she knew what was happening. He jumped between her and I and I had to put a stop to it.

Here is the correspondence:

Michael (Wanda)

I knew when you told me you and Wanda were done for

good it wasn't true. You lie to yourself and in turn

you lie to everyone else. You will say whatever you

need too to get what you want. ATTENTION &

AFFECTION...

I have always been right when it comes to you

Michael.

Our relationship was based on your lies. You don't

know how to be honest with anyone because you can't

be honest with yourself.

You were right when you told me that you don't think

you know what love is. You don't...

All you know is you want attention and affection and

you will do almost anything to get it.

You like to have a love-triangle in your life so if

you feel abandoned or neglected by one you use your

charm to get the attention from the woman on the

sidelines. Well, I'm no longer going to be on the

sidelines even as a friend (I cannot).

You came up here to visit me a couple weeks ago, you

showered me with a lot of love and affection. You

told me you loved me and you made a big mistake leaving

me.

You told me you missed me and you didn't get the

love and affection from Wanda that I gave you and you

missed that. You said you didn't get the

communication with her you got with me either. You will never get

from her what you got from me. She is not me. She is

aloof and always will be. It is who she is. No one

can change another persons temperment. You can't change

hers, she cant change yours...

It's a good thing I was on guard that weekend. I

didn't allow myself to fall all over you again. I

enjoyed the weekend with you. Made the best out of

it and treated you like I always did.

Julie (my gf) is irrate with you for lying to her and to me.

She wants to tear your eyes our and smack you upside

the head. You played with my heart AGAIN Michael....

You will always lie to get what you want and to try

keep what you have. You cannot be trusted.

You aren't a man, you are a little boy. You need to

grow up.. A grown mature man knows what he wants,

doesnt play games with lives, and he wouldn't use a

woman..

You and Wanda deserve each other..You have the

replacement for your mother. From what you have said

about her she is almost like her.

Michael as of today, YOU ARE DEAD TO ME!!

I am DEAD to you..

When you feel neglected, abandoned, ignored,

inadequate, controlled, like a puppet and a yo-yo

YOU DEAL WITH IT..... DO NOT CONTACT ME looking for a

freind.. I AM DEAD TO YOU.. You have killed anything

and everything that we had..

I will not stand by and watch you be hurt over and

over again. My heart cannot bare being torn out for

you everytime yours in hurting. It is best for me to

totally cut you from my life.

(That will make Wanda happy as well. She can have

total control of you. Form you into what she wants

you to be.)

I leave you in God's hands.

Goodbye Michael.. I am only a memory that will fade

in time.. If you try to contact me in the future I will

not respond. I will hang up on you. YOU are dead to

me. The man I thought you were is dead. He doesnt

exhist and never did. You live a lie, so everything

in your life is built on a lie. The man I loved doesn't

exhist. You created him to hold on to me.

You can be a puppet now. Live your life like you

always have since you were a little boy.. It's what

you know best.

Wanda-- he is all yours and I mean that with all my

being.. I will NO longer allow him to manipulate me,

lie to me, use me as a friend, lover, acquaintance or

anything for as long as I live..

Only on my death bed or him on his will I have time

for him... I won't subject myself to being played

with or hurt again by him.. I was burnt once by him and

scorched recently by him.. NEVER again.

MICHAEL, I will not allow you to destroy my spirit,

my heart, my hope, my goodness, or my life..

You are DEAD to me...

I PLACE YOU IN THE HEAVENLY FATHERS HANDS THAT HE

WILL WATCH OVER YOU, GUIDE YOU, PROTECT YOU, KICK YOU IN

THE A$$ WHEN YOU SCREW UP.

I COMMEND ALL MY FEELINGS AND ALL MY DESIRES FOR

THIS MAN TO YOU MY HEAVENLY FATHER. RELEASE ME FROM THE

HOLD HE HAS ON ME AND ALLOW ME TO MOVE FORTH TO JOIN

WITH THE RIGHT MAN WHOM YOU SPECIFICALLY CREATED FOR

ME. I PLACE MY FAITH AND MY TRUST IN YOU MY LORD

JESUS CHRIST. AMEN..

--- Wanda wrote back to me:

You're no better than me Pam, we've both been

suckered. The difference

is I don't rub it in your face or be hateful about

it.

Wanda

My last responce to: Wanda

This is the last email I will send you or respond too.

I didn't send this to rub it in your face or be

hateful.

Michael told me that you two are making amends.

Knowing him as I do he will not tell you all the

truth.

He lies to keep the peace. I just want to make sure

that you know what I said to him and that you know

what happened a couple weeks ago (I didn't go into

complete detail--you can use your imagination knowing

him and how he is).

I don't trust to just send him a email because he

could doctor it up before he shows it to you or not

tell you about it at all.

You deserve to know the whole truth. I don't want him

to lie to you the way he did to me when he lived up

here with me. My opinions of you are not to hurt you; they are

only my opinions, just as you have yours about me.

Good luck and best wishes.

I am free of the lies.

4 months after I sent this email Michael tried to contact me again. I resent this email to remind him of where I stand. I have not heard from him since. That is a good thing. I still think of him from time to time but the pain and heartache has disappeared. When he does come into my mind I say a prayer for him and leave him in God's hands. He is NOT a bad man.. He is very messed up. He is a very loving, caring, kind man and fun to be with. He is very likeable but his upbringing was so messed up that it affects him today. He was neglected and abandoned over and over by his mother and he never had a father he walked out when Michael was a baby. Michael is a gentle soul. He is not a person who sets out to use people or hurt people. He is so absorbed in himself and fixing his hurt, loneliness and insecurities he doesn't realize how he hurts the women who fall in love with him.. He is really a boy in a mans body.. It is hard to believe but it is true.. You have to know him to understand this.

I don't have the patience or strength to stand by and help him grow. I got to emotionally involved with him to seperate my feelings from him to help him grow.. He needs serious Psychological help.. I am not Psychologist but I have studied enough of it to think he may have Borderline Personality Disorder and that is a lifelone process of learning and dealing with.

He won't continue counceling. He started but dropped out within a few weeks.

It has been over a year since he walked out on me and I can honestly say I still care a great deal for him but I have no feelings to have him in my life. I am happy and I feel whole once again.

I have read many stories in LS where people have a hard time letting go and moving forward.. My question is this:

Do you want to live with the constant turmoil in your life. Do you like the drama of holding on?

The mind can let go before the heart with constant repeated support of yourself I beleive you can overcome your attachment. The heart will follow your mind if you make a habit of reinforcing what you don't want and want you want. We need to retrain our hearts with our minds... When you believe in something your heart will follow.. Start with making up your mind today to let go and seek what it is you really want and need in your life that you didn't get from your past.. I believe you heart will follow just as mind did..

"How to mend a broken heart", by Dick Innes is a excellent book for help in this.. It surely helped me.

Sorry folks, I sound like I'm making a sale :lmao:

Its just that I am free and happy once again. I only wish everyone who carrys a broken heart can find the peace and love we deserve..

Bravo!

Thank you for that inspiring story, Pam.

-Rio

RE:

The mind can let go before the heart with constant repeated support of yourself I believe you can overcome your attachment. The heart will follow your mind if you make a habit of reinforcing what you don't want and want you want. We need to retrain our hearts with our minds... When you believe in something your heart will follow.. Start with making up your mind today to let go and seek what it is you really want and need in your life that you didn't get from your past.. I believe you heart will follow just as mind did..

I have cross-posted your letter in another LS thread to further explain to a recent poster how the heart will, indeed, follow the very conscious decisions of the mind, to a peaceful end.

Again, I truly thank you for this very special act of kindness in sharing your letter to all of us.

It will, surely, be a turning point for many.

Below is the link I referred it to:

The Question: Love is a Decision?

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=711860&postcount=15

Ok unfortuantly but for the better I contacted the X in this thread... I kept feeling him for the past week that somethng was wrong and something was uneasy with him...

(can you believe another person can feel you when you are troubled or you can feel another person when they are in trouble?) (I DO)

I msg'd Michael and said "I only want to say a short Hi and see how you are doing?"

He replied happily. He almost immediately asked for prayers.

I was right!!! My intuition was on track--he has been struggling with life and his choices..

From our chat he gave me a around the bush statement--following is a copy and paste of the conversation:

sc...k0 : pamela?

padameckla : what

sc...k0 : don't be mad....please?

padameckla : im not im cool

sc...k0 : are you sitting down?

padameckla : yes

sc...k0 : sure?

sc...k0 : .....well...i did it

padameckla : did what?

sc...k0 : come on......!

padameckla : you married wanda

sc...k0 : do i have to spell it out?

sc...k0 : YES!

sc...k0 : ?

sc...k0 : ?

padameckla : you have your hands ful

sc...k0 : ?

sc...k0 : thank you....I KNOW!

padameckla : hahaha

sc...k0 : please pray for us?

padameckla : Michael i have for you.

sc...k0 : i'm e-mailing all these pray groups!

padameckla : when did you two marry?

sc...k0 : 2/17/06

padameckla : wow recently

padameckla : hmmm

sc..k0 : yep

sc..k0 : after three ( on and off again) years

padameckla : good luck.

He wanted my blessing but I cant give it to him so I just wished him Good luck. I know that isn't what he wanted from me. He asked me to wish him and her well. I cant knowing what I know about their relationship and how the both of them are. Yes, there is a little pain in me and I feel slapped in the face but Oh' is life. He asked me to marry him the shortly after we met and I said we had to wait a year before we considered that.

I do sincerely wish them luck because both of them will need it. I feel like this is another step in my healing process and will allow me to move forward more.

I pray this will release me so I can continue my journey with Charlie more healthy. The NC was good at the time I did it but I think there are times when we need to contact in order to see reality and rid ourselves of the distortion we conjure up and dream about.

I don't need him, I don't want him, I don't desire him, I see him for who he is now. All I had with him was a lie and an illusion he placed in order to fix his own needs.

I made it clear to him I will not be talking to him very often.. He is married..

I have been moving forward and I feel like another door in that chapter of my life is closing more and more. It gets easier as things progress forward.

He wanted my blessing but I cant give it to him so I just wished him Good luck.

This suprised me.. what would wishing him the best and giving him your blessing have done that would've been wrong ?

From what I know about you from your postings on LS you are not like this.

I think it was selfish of you.. I understand that you might still be reeling from him but not giving him your blessing had to hurt him.

You need to block him and never speak to him again.

man PADA what's with you and these long posts? I can't read all that. Can't you just give us the synopsis?

He is NOT a bad man.. He is very messed up. He is a very loving, caring, kind man and fun to be with. He is very likeable but his upbringing was so messed up that it affects him today. He was neglected and abandoned over and over by his mother and he never had a father he walked out when Michael was a baby. Michael is a gentle soul. He is not a person who sets out to use people or hurt people. He is so absorbed in himself and fixing his hurt, loneliness and insecurities he doesn't realize how he hurts the women who fall in love with him.. He is really a boy in a mans body.. It is hard to believe but it is true.. You have to know him to understand this.

I don't have the patience or strength to stand by and help him grow. I got to emotionally involved with him to seperate my feelings from him to help him grow.. He needs serious Psychological help.. I am not Psychologist but I have studied enough of it to think he may have Borderline Personality Disorder and that is a lifelone process of learning and dealing with.

He won't continue counceling. He started but dropped out within a few weeks.

wow, a lot of these things sound like my ex although she did have a vindictive and spiteful side to her... when she would get upset or not have her way, she would flip out and let the whole world know about it, or just me since i was closest... =(

she was sweet and kind at times but, as my father says, in the beginning everybody is nice... sooner or later one's true nature comes out or becomes exposed... she did think of me and do things for me but there are indeed some serious and prevalent psychological issues...

as a child she lacked strong parental figures in her life... according to her, the father was a shrewd and abusive person... she was supposedly abused both sexually and emotionally and her parents eventually got divorced... since her family was relatively wealthy though, she could always rely on them to cover things for her and deal with any issues of hers...

my therapist always tells me that he doesn't know her so he can't just diagnose her but he says that she had signs of borderline and hystrionic personality disorders... whenever i recommended therapy or counseling for the two of us, my ex would always flip out and put up the stone wall, refusing to accept responsibility or make any effort... at times she hinted that she might be open to it but it was all talk... she never sought help, read books, nothing...

although she had some serious issues, it is still disappointing for me to have invested so much time and love into this relationship, despite all the red flags and warnings, only to see it all blow up in my face... =(

This suprised me.. what would wishing him the best and giving him your blessing have done that would've been wrong ?

From what I know about you from your postings on LS you are not like this.

 

I think it was selfish of you.. I understand that you might still be reeling from him but not giving him your blessing had to hurt him.

 

You need to block him and never speak to him again.

I wished him luck..

I was/am selfish right now because lately I have been dealing with some of the past creeping up on me about him.. It has affected my relationship with Charlie a bit. I do wish the best for Michael but I can't come to terms with him being with HER.. I honestly believe if it would be with someone else I could have easily been truly happy for him but I know him being with her is nothing but pain and suffering for him.. If you have read my posts about him and her since I've been here you would see why.. They both are two really dysfuctional people and I really fell in love with him and wanted what was best for him.. I want him to be healthy, balanced and happy even if it wasn't with me. But she is not going to be able to do that for him.. He is already seeking prayer groups and prayer from everyone he knows. He is already unhappy once again... I hurts to see someone you care for hurt because of the choices they make repeatedly...

I am human and I have feelings also. And yes they can be hateful, hurtful or vindictive. I don't do it on purpose.

Why are men so frickin blinded by a woman's looks and puts up with her bad personality??

Madam, Pada, you have problems of your own. The way you talk, you seems to be on the wrong path. Next time, we will hear you broke down.

I hate people who go against their words.

Leave them a lone. No body is free from problems. What will you say 20 years later if they are still together. You ran a way from the guy, because he was not good enough for you. Wanda, God help her.

It seems to me that his asking for your prayers is just a way to keep you around - for him to know he still has a little bit of control in your life. The chat transcript with his "don't be mad....please?" and "are you sitting down?" are inappropriate ways to communicate with an ex about a present marriage (no matter what lies in the past).

And by talking to you with inappropriate intimacy (why should he care if his ex is mad at him for marrying his wife?) he disrespects his marriage - and more importantly you! If I were you I'd go back to NC and let all this go. I saw your other thread and your beautiful ring - focus on your present relationship.... he seems a lot more worth it!

Madam, Pada, you have problems of your own. The way you talk, you seems to be on the wrong path. Next time, we will hear you broke down.

 

I hate people who go against their words.

 

Leave them a lone. No body is free from problems. What will you say 20 years later if they are still together. You ran a way from the guy, because he was not good enough for you. Wanda, God help her.

Yes, I do have my own problems why do you think I am here on LS? I do a lot of reading about different issues and peoples suggestions and insights. It is very helpful..

I don't believe I am on the wrong path.. I am on a good path of self discovery and dealing with my ups and downs and learning from them.

Also, I am not bothering them.. They live 5 hours away from me. I have been out of contact with Michael for months. He has been checking on me online for awhile and I finally made the contact because I could feel something was wrong.. (He requested prayers...!!) If they are still together in 20 years well then I say good for them to withstand but my question is are they happy or co-dependant? anyways...

I will not change my story to save face...Why should I? I didn't run from him.. He was confused, didn't know what he wanted, was homesick and still in contact with Wanda (behind my back!!!!) while he was living and sleeping with ME... Telling me he wanted to marry me, buy a new car, buy a house, building a life with me.. He left a good job, status in his job, his family and children to come to me. I didn't ask him too. He chose to come to me. He was so full of zest and zeal to be with me he dropped everything and moved here. Then 4-5 months later he moves out without tell me why.. Left me devastaed, lost, heartbroken.. We both were crying when he left. He left without a plan where he was going to live when he got back to his hometown. He was going to ask his brother if he could stay with him but he ended up seeing Wanda and low-and-behold he moved right in with her the very night he left me. He say's he never planned to go back to her.. But he did. He was lost within himself..

Yes Wanda needs help. She is paranoid, controlling obsessive, she flips out when it isnt called for. She goes from highs to lows and is indecisive. I have spoken to her on the phone and also online. I have a pretty good idea what she is about. I have my own experiences dealing with her. She twists things..

I don't want Michael back.. But I do care about him and I always will. I am only concerned for his future happiness and I don't see him finding much happiness because he hasn't had stability with her since he met her...

I just found out all this news this morning so I am still nashing on it.. I am sitting at work stewing over it. Its things like this that remind me of just how impulsive he is and how he makes decisions based on others and not for himself and his wellbeing. He makes bad judgements.. I don't want a man like that.. He makes his bed and he has to learn to sleep in it, make it and wash the sheets.

I am healing and this is a epiphany right now. I will be better tomorrow because of this news.. I see it as kind of setting me free. He isn't single he is married, He is off limits. I don't have to be nearly as afraid of him trying to dig for my affection, sympathony, compassion, love like he did this summer.. I will not cross the bond of marriage again..

If you believe in prayers, that is exactly what you can offer them. You cannot change them, neither can you define their lives, you cannot make them see life the way you do.

Let this not hurt you more than it has.

If you believe in prayers, that is exactly what you can offer them. You cannot change them, neither can you define their lives, you cannot make them see life the way you do.

 

Let this not hurt you more than it has.

I believe in prayers. It is one of the things I depend on the most in life. It is my biggest source of hope.

I can't change them I know this. It is hard to sit by and watch people make decisions that you know will hurt them when you care so much for them.. (This is one reason why I didn't contact him for so many months.)

I could feel him.. If you can understand that. He is what people call my soulmate.. I could sense him, feel him, I knew when to call and when he was ok. I could understand him without words.. He is the only man that I have EVER had that connection with in my life.. It is freaky.. It is overwhelming... I wish I didn't have it with him. It would make life so much easier. It is a burden because I feel him and I don't want too. I always pray for him when the feelings surface so deeply.. This time I broke down and asked what was wrong. Now I have direct points to pray for for him.

It is just a wakeup call when he said he married her. I never thought he would do it. I know how much turmoil he had been in. He tried to let go of her many times with true intentions of moving on in his life but he couldn't. She has a power over him and now he is married..

This story could be a book I tell you.. A great Psychology story for sure..

I don't want to make this hurt more then then it does. I have been moving forward with my life since he walked out and I almost gave him a second chance this summer when he came to visit and get the rest of his property. (he and Wanda were broke up for a few months during this time.) I made it clear he needed to seek counceling before I would allow him back in my life.. He poured his heart out to me and it hurt to stick by my rules but I refused to allow him to trample my heart again.

I know this is just another door that has closed. It is setting me more free from him.. It is GOOD.. I feel more like I was slapped in the face again then heartbroken. I flashedback to his wanting to marry me and his testimony of love and commitment to me and wow has our lives really changed.

Pamerella lost her shoe and the barnboy brought it to her cause he stole it from the Prince. The court found out and the barnboy was removed from Pamerella's life and married the milkmaid.. Now Pamerella's prince has to find her in waiting so he can return her shoe and they can live happily ever after. :lmao:

I think you were doing a darn good job with the "letting go" part until you decided to respond (although I can certainly understand your curiosity). The problem is, by doing that, you opened up that old Pandora's box of feelings and probably don't feel any better about the whole ordeal having taken that step backwards.

I don't know, Pada. I have a different read on this situation. I'm probably overly skeptical and way off base on this one, but it seems almost as if Michael just wanted the last word… to prove you wrong by announcing that he and Wanda were married in spite of your predictions. Maybe by asking you for your blessings, it was a round-about way of getting you to recant. Perhaps he was even prodded by Wanda who might also still be holding a grudge. You did him a gracious favor by allowing him the last word. (Darn it!)

It retrospect, you might have felt a bit better had you have resubmitted that last letter and left it at that. It might have been easier to remain indifferent without all the details. But I've always admired how honest you try to be about yourself and your feelings. Good and bad. It not only makes you genuinely human, but it is a very necessary process in discovering yourself. You are a woman on the grow and that's the one thing I admire about you the most.

Now, try to let all that old stuff go, Pada. For good this time! It's holding you back and life has better things in store for you now.

I think you were doing a darn good job with the "letting go" part until you decided to respond (although I can certainly understand your curiosity). The problem is, by doing that, you opened up that old Pandora's box of feelings and probably don't feel any better about the whole ordeal having taken that step backwards.

 

I don't know, Pada. I have a different read on this situation. I'm probably overly skeptical and way off base on this one, but it seems almost as if Michael just wanted the last word… to prove you wrong by announcing that he and Wanda were married in spite of your predictions. Maybe by asking you for your blessings, it was a round-about way of getting you to recant. Perhaps he was even prodded by Wanda who might also still be holding a grudge. You did him a gracious favor by allowing him the last word. (Darn it!)

 

It retrospect, you might have felt a bit better had you have resubmitted that last letter and left it at that. It might have been easier to remain indifferent without all the details. But I've always admired how honest you try to be about yourself and your feelings. Good and bad. It not only makes you genuinely human, but it is a very necessary process in discovering yourself. You are a woman on the grow and that's the one thing I admire about you the most.

 

Now, try to let all that old stuff go, Pada. For good this time! It's holding you back and life has better things in store for you now.

Thank you..

There are always some people that say the right things I can understand and their words make me feel good and your post did just that. Thank you for your words..

I have no reason to contact him. He is married and I have been making effort in moving forward. He always kept a part of me holding onto hope of us one day reuniting. He made this clear this summer. I didn't want to put my life on hold for him so I continued to date and meet people. Now I can fully let go.. He made that possible. This contact was good..

I just need to continue to work on the scars he left in me of fear of abandonment and rejection. Michael has the most profound affect on my life.. Now it IS time to fully let go of everything--all dreams, wants and desires.

Wow,

Now that sucked!

Ack... I don't even know what to say.

Maybe what you felt was not that he wasn't feeling right, but the eerie feeling that he got married.

Boy, well take it easy, I think you'll need more prayers than those two ,

Ariadne

Ya know, I chatted on yahoo with the guy I was engaged to last summer, who moved to shanghai. It was an ugly convo that messed with my head for days afterward. No more.

No contact is good contact.

Thank you for your words..

Even the misspelled ones?

And by the way… you deserve the "thanks" for being secure enough in yourself to accept all forms of honest feedback however different those perceptions may be from your own. It takes a big person to open themselves up to scrutiny… both internal and external. There have been times in my life when I have not been nearly as brave as you.

But all fondness for you aside, I still maintain my freedom of expression and inalienable right to get in touch with my inner b*tch whenever I darn well please.

And you should too!

I still maintain my freedom of expression and inalienable right to get in touch with my inner b*tch whenever I darn well please.

 

And you should too!

BELIEVE ME I DO... ITS MY MIDDLE NAME... I'm fairly patient, understanding, forgiving, empathetic but when the line is crossed and my boundrys are crossed watch out.

I am like a lioness protecting her cub...

Pada, I think you're getting yourself knee deep in emotional turmoil right now, and you need to step back and breathe before everything explodes in your face. I was just reading your other thread about Charlie and the fight you had last night. I think your insecurities and problems with Charlie are causing you to dredge up past hurts also. You started this thread to let everyone know how you ended this relationship and have had no contact with Michael. Then you actually contact him. Why? Why are you suddenly thinking about him again and needing to speak to him? I think it's because things are falling apart with Charlie. Now you find out he married the OW, and you're livid about it. You excuse that by sating that it's because you care about him and you know he's made another bad choice and mistake. It's none of your business what Michael does now and these are his choices to make. After reading your posts, I almost feel like you want to be in control of who Michael chooses to be with so that it doesn't cause you pain. You still have open wounds from your past with Michael and contacting him as only opened them deeper. Now you're also having problems with Charlie (who I think alos has his own f*cked up issues to deal with). Pada, it's time for you to take a break from all men for a couple weeks. Tell Charlie you need some time alone to think and then sit back for a little while and unwind from all this drama.

Yes Lone.. I have too much drama.. I feel like I'm ready to break down crying..

It's been in my mind to take a break. I am exhausted with my life right now.. I hate my job, RCIA is draining me, I have many worries about things in my life. My step-father just passed away not long ago. my dad seems to be losing his mental stability, my brother is struggling as a single father of two very young boys, my car is barely running, I hate my apartment, my son is starting to get mouthy with me, I'm not sleeping well, I'm worried about my friends because many of them are struggling now also in their relationships, the weather is goofy and its been making me sick--my allergies have been starting then they go away then they start then they go away and its physically taxing on me..

I need to gather myself but I'm afraid if I stop I will fall into a state of depression and seclusion.. I feel the need to keep on going..

There's nothing wrong with stopping and taking a break from life and stress for a little awhile. I'm picking up from your posts that you're overloaded with so much crap going on, so you should not try to deal with relationship problems at this point. If you can clear your head for a little while, it might be easier, but right now, every little thing that transpires on top of the stress you're already dealing with, will only make things worse. I haven't posted on LS for awhile because I need to take a break from life myself. The stress was killing me and I began to overreact to things I shouldn't. I wanted to respond to you because I see you doing the same thing, not that I think you're at fault with the Charlie thing. This belongs in the other thread, but you have a right to want your boyfriend to hold your hand and give you some affection. There's nothing wrong with asking for that. Unfortunately some people are incapable of it and you can't force them to change, no matter how much you want them to or think they should. Maybe if you do step out of the scene for a little while, it will also give Charlie some time to think and worry about what his own actions are doing. Stop trying to communicate you feelings to him either vocally or by letter. You do have a tendency to go on and on and on , and a lot of men will stop hearing you after awhile of listening to it. Sometimes silence says a whole lot more.