Mr. Serial Dater

He's usually the guy with the stable job or great income-producing career, who has successfully performed within his work environment to well above average, and who continues to work hard, recognizes, and appreciates where he's at financially, and who has obtained the only healthy part of his confidence he possesses, from his job.

He dresses well, -most of the time.

He certainly notices whether you dress well, or not.

He often has very good taste and has the ability to recognize it in someone else.

He is sophisticated in travel, reads interesting books, loves cultural events, stage plays, operas, concerts, and a symphony orchestra.

He knows things, -is interested in things, and he has developed his lifestyle to reflect and prove that.

He loves warm places with white powder beaches or cold places with notable ski slopes when he travels, reads biographies of powerful and eccentric men, will attend a modern art showing, and stroll leisurely with you through a museum, often able to share interesting bits of information with you about the history of this, the funny thing about that.

It's like he's been there as someones tour guide before.

And he has.

You probably weren't the first one to stroll with him up to that exact spot in the museum and chat about that painting, nor sit with him at that cozy table near the fireplace in that fine old historic inn, nor visit that particular shop in Vale.

He is just re-visiting with a new 'someone'.

He's been there before, done all that with someone else and probably re-traced the whole march with her only months, or even weeks, before you.

If you take a moment to sniff the air, you might still smell her perfume.

And it would probably be the same perfume he bought you, too.

He's a serial dater.

Serial daters always know where the 'good' places are because they learn about them through others they've just recently dumped, and are a virtual travel guide and walking information center on 'Fun Things To Do & Interesting Places To Go With A Date'.

But you will feel special when you are with him and you may even be impressed with him.

He knows that, too.

He's even counting on it.

The reason he is able to fluidly move through complicated details, knows directions without using a map, what's on the menu without having to read it, and how to get there from here, or what to expect with every venue he admits you to, -is because he has absorbed the knowledge giving him the ability to exude that particular confidence from having spent 'quality' time in the very same places with a slew of lovely ladies just like you, who's emotions, self-esteem, and possibly, their hearts, as well, -ended up slamming full force into a massive wall of reality they didn't see until it was too late.

That's because, over the years, Mr. Serial Dater had learned to skillfully mask the wall with a thick smoke screen, perfecting it and making it more undetectable with each flaw pointed out by each new lady.

Mr. Serial Dater is a very good student.

And he learns from from the world around him, gleaning with keen interest, all the 'finer' details that give life such zest and lofty, modern, and sophisticated appeal.

He adds details like an artist chooses color, -and much for the same reason: to express himself the only way he seems to be capable of, -through his external environment.

He may be an aficionado of wines, food, -and even if you discover you know more about something than he does, don't worry, he'll be just quiet enough to listen, and learn from you.

He realizes that's part of your value, -part of the reason he chose you- which is a characteristic of serial daters.

Every once in a while, like a vampire needs blood, he needs more info supply from someone who can act, unknowingly, as his benefactor by increasing his knowledge on a particular subject.

That's how he learned most of the social graces he possesses.

Since ego-boosting is a 'feel-good' language that requires someone else doing most of the giving, never expect the serial dater to give more than he needs to gain back praise or worship-comments from you.

As long as you're telling him how impressed you are with him, he'll be drawn to you, that is until the whole 'new' feeling begins to wear off and he's ready to hear what wonderful things someone else has to say about him.

But what about his emotions? Can he love someone?

What can you expect from a serial dater?

Don't expect 'forever'.

Although, the serial dater's response to romantic love is almost 'storybook', he has probably not been in touch with the reality of his truest, deepest feelings for some time.

His background schemata, (which is the of collection of his life experiences thus far), and the resulting responses to those experiences, are the primary contributing factors which form particular patterns of behavior and thinking, and usually deny a realistic, in-touch perspective of himself, his emotions, or even the world around him.

Somewhere in his past, he may have loved someone, but for reasons he will probably not talk truthfully about with you, he chooses a more 'controllable' version of love.

The serial dater often has the creativity as well as the means to 'pull out all the stops' with his version of 'love'.

He wants it to be 'over-the-top' and wildly romantic, and uses all the learned behavior and material decor I've described earlier as tools to create and promote a pseudo-world of spontaneous romantic activity and 'courtship'.

If it can be said anyone lives for the stage, it is the serial dater, more-so than your most famous actor, because he values 'live' theatre and the ability to act more than anyone, and probably knows just enough lines from Romeo and Juliet to make your heart swoon.

Any girl could fall for it, even a really, really smart girl, because he is just so tremendously talented, -and something more than that: he truly gets caught up in the whole romantic cocoon thing, himself, for a while, and believes it, -temporarily.

Sex with a serial dater varies in intensity and quality.

With him, it will often be just the romance of the act that sucks you in, although, he may do the same thing in this area that he did in entertaining you during those fantastic little getaways: he will have gathered tidbits of unusual knowledge from others which, he feels certain , makes him an 'expert' with sex.

I have to smile here, because, this is also an area where most of them will become less than expert for the first time in the eyes of the woman they are with, and not the 'sex machines' nor cool, flawless 'love gods' they believe they are, at all.

NOTE: If they bring up Tantra or some other Asian, or mystical-sounding ancient love technique, or break out the barrel of massage oil, look out! -you're in for the royal treatment! (Smile)

Sure, they will 'finesse' the whole foreplay scene leading up to the act, true to their flamboyant style, but in this area, most women's intuition will be right on target and spot the inadequacies right away.

The odd, sad thing is, that most women will 'forgive' the inadequacies and work to downplay them to minimal-receiving attention status, so as not to hurt the feelings of Mr. Serial Dater.

Unfortunately, for Mr. Serial Dater, he will continue thinking he has performed beautifully and will be nonetheless aware and quite satisfied with his own performance.

Women can actually, at times, be too kind. (Smile.)

When the relationship is over, the woman will probably not even know about it until she wakes up one morning, a little confused, staring at the ceiling trying to remember if she told him their next dinner date was on Friday or ...was it Saturday?

She'll wonder if she should call. He doesn't answer and his voice-mail picks up.

She leaves a message and waits for a return call.

He finally calls, feigns his recall of the exact date and then suddenly remembers he has a meeting, or a trip, or something, -somewhere he has to be on Friday...-or was it Saturday?

He seems strangely a little distant, confused, and says he'll 'check on you, later'.

Kiss-kiss.

And over the next few minutes, you deny what you know you know.

Over the next few hours, you are still in denial.

Over the next few days, you are in hell.

Over the next few weeks and, maybe even, months, you are in the long process of recovery.

And that brings us to why you are reading this post at just this very moment.

That pain or ache you feel may be the reason the heading caught your eye and you thought "What the hell, I have nothing else to lose", -so you came in and, after reading a few lines, you realized it was almost as if it was not about someone else, at all, - it was about you.

It was about your pain, your broken heart, your anger, your tears and about how badly love can treat us only to change us into a better, stronger, wiser 'someone'.

If you have found yourself in this forum for that reason, you could not have come to a better place.

It's a place to nurse broken hearts and heal them.

Many others who, themselves are hurting, find their way here, to share intimate details of their own experiences, which become a strange and lovely, healing balm for any heart.

I hope this post has helped someone.

Hugs to you, -and...Welcome to LS.

(Smile)

-Rio

You rock Rio!

RE:

fallenheart: " You rock Rio!"

Thanks, -every word was from experience.

Been there. Done that.

-just welded the door shut after I left.

(Smile)

-Rio

Rio, I have MASSIVE respect for you as a poster, you really really do know how to put things into perspective and you've replied to several of my threads with top advice, so I do not in any way wish to undermime you, however, this thread makes me think you just a tiny bit angry about a recent date perhaps? Somebody you were initially attracted to but found out their true colours early enough? It sounds very specific, it had me laughing though, keep posting, you're our antidote. Top stuff!

Regards,

Steve.

RE:

 

 

 

Thanks, -every word was from experience.

 

Been there. Done that.

 

-just welded the door shut after I left.

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

When does welding class start?

(LAUGHING)

EZ, Lawgirl,

It wasn't recent...but, -yes- I've had the experience of meeting and dating Mr. Serial Dater.

And I'll give welding classes to anyone on an 'as needed' basis.

I'm thinking of posting some of the cardinal signs to look for in spotting these rather interesting, but disturbing creatures.

Contributions are welcome.

(Smile)

-Rio

rio, this was very eloquent and true to life indeed. i've kinda been there too. it sucks. it still bothers me, months later. fortunately i'm no longer balled up in a fetal position. LOL.

THANKS for this extraordinarily well-written narrative that covers A to Z.

two words: spot on!

RE:

LateFragment: "....it still bothers me, months later. fortunately i'm no longer balled up in a fetal position. LOL."

Dear LateFragment,

It still bothers a lot of people.

I noticed you did gain back your sense of humor and have moved past it, -or at least, the very worst of it.

The comment that I would like others to see is the one half-jokingly referring to your not being balled up in a fetal position, any longer.

Despite your humorous approach to the subject, intuition tells me you may have dealt with some rather severe trauma from the break.

Your post, tho, is proof of the damage these people can do, -and proof that it is survivable.

Thank you for posting here, you may have given others just the 'medicine' they need to survive it, too.

(Smile)

Here's a hug:

Take care.

-Rio

rio,

I've read a lot of your posts and I'm very impressed with your wisdom and insightfulness. Thanks for your kind words of encouragement. I look up to you.

Having been very shy until recently, and involved *only* in serious relationships until about 1 year ago (end of '04), i entered the dating fray with enthusiasm but without the necessary mental preparation that this endeavor entails. what i mean is that after these excruciatingly long term relationships, i was eager to see what was out there. i set out to "cruise" the waters but unfortunately, i didn't have the necessary equipment. instead of a sportsboat i had a cargo ship. yuck, baggage!

I was dumped several times in '05 and it hit me hard. I was too naive about things, about myself, about others, ... and put simply, i just didn't "get it" (when it comes to dating). Side note: to be fair, i 'dumped' 2 people (nicely and politely, i'd like to believe) this last year as well, but i had a lot to learn about being the dumpee.

if you look at some of my most recent posts, i was burned by this guy that was a premier charmer, not at all unlike the mr. serial dater archetype, which you've graciously described for us. unfortunately, i went from being cool as a cucumber to emotionally high strung - *after* we slept together... And i had waited a month! maybe that was too little time, but at the time it seemed way overdue to me, to both of us. hindsight, right? ...

of course he wanted none of this emotional touchiness when he thought he had signed up for a "cruiser" like himself. he was outtie and on to someone else asap, without bothering to inform me, of course (yay for discovering that one). i don' t know why but it hit me really hard, i wasn't quite joking about the fetal position.

there's another guy, who ended things in the same way as this one (i.e. dancing-around-the-fact-disclosure only upon discovery, thanks!) whom i think about still, i really liked him a *lot*. probably the most.

lesson learned. be more careful. chill out with the emotions: don't get emotional after sex, or postpone it until you've got your s*it together. i'm older, wiser, but a little sad about the naive, ingenuous, open-minded part of me that's gone, or at least gone into hiding. fortunately i'm still alive, thankful to be alive, and doggedly trying to be optimistic. it works: i can crack a smile most days. focusing a lot on myself. i kinda need to, cause my job's on the rocks (another area i feel bad about) and i really need to come up with a plan asap, before i get left out to dry.

rio, keep up the good work posting, i'd love to read more!

RE:

LateFragment: " lesson learned. be more careful. chill out with the emotions: don't get emotional after sex, or postpone it until you've got your s*it together. i'm older, wiser,.."

LateFragment,

Look, I'm older and should know better,too, but it's like I pointed out in another one of my posts, I can't bang someone for six months and not tag the emotions.

Most women can't.

But experience has taught me I do have the ability to keep it detached, distant, and unemotionally involved for brief periods, but certainly not for long.

I'm very picky about who I'm with and even with the brief encounters I have allowed, the 'participants' possessed a good deal of the criteria that floods my 'must-have' list before admission as a suitable companion.

And that is the very reason there is risk for emotional attachment.

If you are just 'cruising' ,as you put it, -keep it seldom and brief, if you're only in it for fun.

Recognize your own vulnerabilities, i.e. what's absolutely irresistible to you in men, and if it's only fun you're after, pick someone less 'irresistible'.

It dawns on me that I'm giving you advice that I should be listening to, myself! (Smile)

But, as usual, even the best of practical advice is often ignored and rendered quite powerless for a good while, at least, when pitted against that seductive, provocative little thing called love.

(Smile)

Take care.

-Rio