My LDR finished...

We were long distance since the beginning. We are both international students, met accidentally in February, when I was visiting the city where he lived. We started meeting every 2-3 weeks, since we were not that far talked almost every day on skype. We felt we were very similar and had a lot in common. We both totally fell in love. I had troubles with finding someone special for a long time, so I thought that was it.

Soon afterwards, he graduated. While he was still here, his plan was to stay somewhere around me and was looking for a job here. He is very smart, and he could easily find it, just needed some time, but he started quite late. So by the time he went home (Brazil) after graduation he still didn't have anything decided, no interviews arranged or anything. He started to be unsure of himself, whether he would manage to find anything at all.

As soon as he came home everything started braking apart. He took the job offer there that he had previously disregarded (because of me, since we won't be able to be together). All my trying to reason him was aimless, he didn't hear me. He was just saying that I should also come there when I finish my studies and there would be plenty of opportunities for me (which is nonsense). We were arguing, fighting over skype, it was just killing me, but he didn't seem to notice.

In the end I came to stay with him for 2 weeks. It was not good, but I still had strong feeling for him, although I hadn't seen him for 6 weeks before (we were only together for 5 month by the time). We were arguing a lot, it was very difficult for me, in a strange country, with nobody close except him. But I still thought I could give it a try, and stay with him for the whole summer, instead of going to my own home, to understand whether we could live together or not. But he told me to go home, because he did not have time and space for me at the moment (he was just starting new job, looking for an apartment, etc.) But he wanted me to come later. He found a university in his city where I could do my research later, and I have contacted the professor there, and it seemed possible for me to go there for my thesis. So this thought was what kept our relationship going.

I didn't feel like going there, I didn't like the place, and in the end my course coordinator didn't approve anyway, so I told my boyfriend I am not coming.

And now he suddenly changed again. He stopped being so overenthusiastic about staying there and started to look for a job here again. He really started doing it and even had some nice interviews already and is now waiting for the proceeding from the company. But when he came here, and we met again after 3 month I didn't feel the same way towards him anymore, at least a week he was here, was not enough for me to get back that special feeling I used to have with him. The reason for this might be also that I liked another guy here already. Although it is not serious, but he is now my very close friend, and I think he is falling in love with me. I also started feeling that I am much closer with him, than with my LDR boyfriend. So I broke up with him.

He still expects something (that we get back together), and is still going to take that job if everything stays fine, and come here as far as I understand. Do you think it is possible to try again when (or if) we will be physically in the same place? Or it is not possible to get back what was lost?

I think this is a great case time to 'put your love on a shelf' for a while. Feel it out when he gets there. Take your time. If he moves there and there are no time contraints, you may or may not decide you wish to be with him/him you.

Date him a bit.

Feel it out!

Let things unfold naturally and that will give you your answer.

ETA: Make sure he is aware that you're not sure about him and that if he is moving there just for you, to not do that.

I think this is a great case time to 'put your love on a shelf' for a while. Feel it out when he gets there. Take your time. If he moves there and there are no time contraints, you may or may not decide you wish to be with him/him you.

 

Date him a bit.

 

Feel it out!

 

Let things unfold naturally and that will give you your answer.

 

ETA: Make sure he is aware that you're not sure about him and that if he is moving there just for you, to not do that.

Thank you for your answer, Milocat!

I did tell him already that I do not feel love anymore. He knows he had lost me. Now he just needs to decide if he wants to risk and come here and try to get me back.

The thing is that he is not happy being home. He has his freinds nearby, and family, but he does not like the job at all and the city where he lives is absolutely not a nice and not a safe place. In this sence he does like it here better; the job he expects to get here also seems more challanging and interesting for him and with a better salary as well. So, he is really not losing anything if he comes here. At least I think so. Hope he would decide so too.

wow, so you have this guy on the side and your LDR bf to go back to in case it didn't work? IMO, it seems like your LDR bf was trying everything he could and you were being a flake, expecting he would do even more.

wow, so you have this guy on the side and your LDR bf to go back to in case it didn't work? IMO, it seems like your LDR bf was trying everything he could and you were being a flake, expecting he would do even more.

wow, where does that negative come from?

First of all I did not ask to judge me, but the situationand to answer my question. By calling me a flake, I think you show your own shallowness. Your judgements are superficial and don't even relate to the topic.

Secondly, I would like to describe the situation a bit better.

I do not have this guy on the side as you said, I do not date him and am not planning to. I guess I didn't state it clearly. He is just my close freind, and more or less the only here.

And what was the thing that my LDR boyfriend did? "everything he could" - is what exactly?

Maybe I also didn't state it clearly, but he promised me that he will stay here with me. He did not only promise it, he also made me believe him, because at the moment he was saying it he actually meant it. But as soon as he came home he changed his mind 180 degrees, and told me "sorry, but whether you like it or not, I am staying home, if you want to be with me, you have to come here". And only when it did not work out, he suddenly understood he might loose me, and for some reason he didn't want to.

Or maybe you think that an appropriate thing to do for a girl is quit her life and run after him? At some point I was ready to do it, but I am happy I didn't.

I have a very deep feeling of offence for what he did, and deep inside I don't forgive him for giving me up like that. But I would still want to give it another try, in a while, when we both forget a bit wrong things that happened between us, because I never felt that special thing with anyone else, and I think you don't have it with every second person you meet. That is why I would want to know if it is possible to get back what was once lost.

wow, where does that negative come from?

 

First of all I did not ask to judge me, but the situationand to answer my question. By calling me a flake, I think you show your own shallowness. Your judgements are superficial and don't even relate to the topic.

 

Secondly, I would like to describe the situation a bit better.

 

I do not have this guy on the side as you said, I do not date him and am not planning to. I guess I didn't state it clearly. He is just my close freind, and more or less the only here.

 

And what was the thing that my LDR boyfriend did? "everything he could" - is what exactly?

 

Maybe I also didn't state it clearly, but he promised me that he will stay here with me. He did not only promise it, he also made me believe him, because at the moment he was saying it he actually meant it. But as soon as he came home he changed his mind 180 degrees, and told me "sorry, but whether you like it or not, I am staying home, if you want to be with me, you have to come here". And only when it did not work out, he suddenly understood he might loose me, and for some reason he didn't want to.

 

Or maybe you think that an appropriate thing to do for a girl is quit her life and run after him? At some point I was ready to do it, but I am happy I didn't.

 

I have a very deep feeling of offence for what he did, and deep inside I don't forgive him for giving me up like that. But I would still want to give it another try, in a while, when we both forget a bit wrong things that happened between us, because I never felt that special thing with anyone else, and I think you don't have it with every second person you meet. That is why I would want to know if it is possible to get back what was once lost.

Don't worry. PP seems to have perhaps misread your post. Your LDB seems to be the one who has been flaky and non-commital.

He actually seems to have warmed up to being with you at his convenience.

Besides... you're allowed to date. Date away.

wow, where does that negative come from?

 

First of all I did not ask to judge me, but the situationand to answer my question. By calling me a flake, I think you show your own shallowness. Your judgements are superficial and don't even relate to the topic.

 

Secondly, I would like to describe the situation a bit better.

 

I do not have this guy on the side as you said, I do not date him and am not planning to. I guess I didn't state it clearly. He is just my close freind, and more or less the only here.

 

And what was the thing that my LDR boyfriend did? "everything he could" - is what exactly?

 

Maybe I also didn't state it clearly, but he promised me that he will stay here with me. He did not only promise it, he also made me believe him, because at the moment he was saying it he actually meant it. But as soon as he came home he changed his mind 180 degrees, and told me "sorry, but whether you like it or not, I am staying home, if you want to be with me, you have to come here". And only when it did not work out, he suddenly understood he might loose me, and for some reason he didn't want to.

 

Or maybe you think that an appropriate thing to do for a girl is quit her life and run after him? At some point I was ready to do it, but I am happy I didn't.

 

I have a very deep feeling of offence for what he did, and deep inside I don't forgive him for giving me up like that. But I would still want to give it another try, in a while, when we both forget a bit wrong things that happened between us, because I never felt that special thing with anyone else, and I think you don't have it with every second person you meet. That is why I would want to know if it is possible to get back what was once lost.

I don't think that you understand how big of a commitment you are asking for + you are asking him to leave his family and home country to be with you, this is not easy, have you ever immigrated? I don't think so, just because you don't like his city, doesn't mean he doesn't. I don't live in my home country, because it's not very safe, you don't get paid well and there's a whole bunch of other negative reason why I don't, but trust me, I miss it a lot and it is the same for any person that has ever immigrated. And all of this decision making you expect him to do in just 5 month?!? And you have been together for like 5 months, when he said he's not coming to you, well, what do you expect, I wouldn't turn my life at 180 degrees for someone I just met, of course not, but obviously he has feeling for you and even if he's not very comfortable with it, he is willing to try to move for you, give him some credit. Don't act like a 15 year old, life is really complicated, you can't just think that everything will work out for you like in a fairytale. There are ups and downs in every relationship and I think that you are making a big mistake now, punishing him, when he has finally found the strength to move for you.

And you did make it sound like you are considering to try it with the other guy.

wow, where does that negative come from?

 

First of all I did not ask to judge me, but the situationand to answer my question. By calling me a flake, I think you show your own shallowness. Your judgements are superficial and don't even relate to the topic.

 

Secondly, I would like to describe the situation a bit better.

 

I do not have this guy on the side as you said, I do not date him and am not planning to. I guess I didn't state it clearly. He is just my close freind, and more or less the only here.

 

And what was the thing that my LDR boyfriend did? "everything he could" - is what exactly?

 

Maybe I also didn't state it clearly, but he promised me that he will stay here with me. He did not only promise it, he also made me believe him, because at the moment he was saying it he actually meant it. But as soon as he came home he changed his mind 180 degrees, and told me "sorry, but whether you like it or not, I am staying home, if you want to be with me, you have to come here". And only when it did not work out, he suddenly understood he might loose me, and for some reason he didn't want to.

 

Or maybe you think that an appropriate thing to do for a girl is quit her life and run after him? At some point I was ready to do it, but I am happy I didn't.

 

I have a very deep feeling of offence for what he did, and deep inside I don't forgive him for giving me up like that. But I would still want to give it another try, in a while, when we both forget a bit wrong things that happened between us, because I never felt that special thing with anyone else, and I think you don't have it with every second person you meet. That is why I would want to know if it is possible to get back what was once lost.

here you go

And now he suddenly changed again. He stopped being so overenthusiastic about staying there and started to look for a job here again. He really started doing it and even had some nice interviews already and is now waiting for the proceeding from the company. But when he came here, and we met again after 3 month I didn't feel the same way towards him anymore, at least a week he was here, was not enough for me to get back that special feeling I used to have with him. The reason for this might be also that I liked another guy here already. Although it is not serious, but he is now my very close friend, and I think he is falling in love with me. I also started feeling that I am much closer with him, than with my LDR boyfriend. So I broke up with him.

whether you are dating this guy or not, you were asking me what effort did your ex bf exert and you cannot see it?

like wild_urge said, you expect your bf to leave things behind for you yet you cannot do the same thing for him. in any relationship, you have to be ready to give for something you want to receive/accept.

having this other guy around as a emotional crutch won't help you in any way find out if you still can work it out with your ex bf or not.

the question is, do you love your ex bf or not? if yes, then what's stopping you from giving it a second try?

have you ever immigrated? I don't think so, just because you don't like his city, doesn't mean he doesn't.

Yes, I do live in a foreign country (I actually wrote that both me and my ex-boyfriend were international students, but of course people only read what they want to or what they need to support their judgements) and I also know what it feels like, there is no need for you to explain here.

I also wrote that he doesn't like the city where he lives. I don't have a strong oppinion on his city. I was there for only a short time, and it didn't look very nice, plus I have heard many "nice" things about it from him.

And all of this decision making you expect him to do in just 5 month?!? And you have been together for like 5 months, when he said he's not coming to you, well, what do you expect, I wouldn't turn my life at 180 degrees for someone I just met, of course not

In no case I would expect him to do so, unless he told me he is willing to, unless he promised me. And he actually did (this I also wrote in the previous messages). Is this wrong to expect a guy you love to stick to his words?

Telling me that I want too much of him - he also wanted me to move for him. And the situations are not equal. Tell me if I am wrong but I consider that it is easier for him to move to a country which he likes, where he had lived for several years already, where he knows the language, where he has good opportunities for work, has already got some friends, rather than for me without speaking Portuguese to move to a country where no ****ing body speaks english. I was there for two weeks and he was the only person I could talk to. How on earth would I be able to integrate there, if I cannot find a job, or any freinds or just acquaintances.

but obviously he has feeling for you and even if he's not very comfortable with it, he is willing to try to move for you, give him some credit. Don't act like a 15 year old, life is really complicated, you can't just think that everything will work out for you like in a fairytale. There are ups and downs in every relationship and I think that you are making a big mistake now, punishing him, when he has finally found the strength to move for you.

I don't think I am acting like a 15 year old, I am trying to think and decide whether it is worth trying again, because it will actually take him a very big effort. And I think I have to give him some feedback, before he rushes into anything again. That's why I am trying to comprehend the situation and the chances.

like wild_urge said, you expect your bf to leave things behind for you yet you cannot do the same thing for him. in any relationship, you have to be ready to give for something you want to receive/accept.

I never expect more from people than they can give me, than they offer me. I also tried to find a way to go to him, but it is much more difficult than for him to come here, and I simply didn't have the opportunity (once again, I also wrote about that before).

So you still concider me selfish person in this situation?

having this other guy around as a emotional crutch

I live in another country without much emotional crutch, without family and close friends, that is why if I have at least one person who cares about me and can offer me emotional support, I really appreciate this.

The thing is that I don't think I love him anymore, because I saw him as an absolutely different person than the one I fell in love with. He says, he had just a difficult period and he got scared and gave up, but now he understands that it was just a mistake which he made in a moment of weekness. And now he wants to rebuild what we had before. And I am not sure anymore it I will be able to see him as I saw him before, to eraze the bad memories, or they will stay with me forever not letting me to move forward in my relationship with him.

The thing is that I don't think I love him anymore, because I saw him as an absolutely different person than the one I fell in love with. He says, he had just a difficult period and he got scared and gave up, but now he understands that it was just a mistake which he made in a moment of weekness. And now he wants to rebuild what we had before. And I am not sure anymore it I will be able to see him as I saw him before, to eraze the bad memories, or they will stay with me forever not letting me to move forward in my relationship with him.

there lies your problem. i don't think it's good to force or try a relationship with someone you don't love. LDRs are much harder to deal with especially if you are gonna do a 'trial and error' process. btw, i am not accusing you are selfish but it comes across that you want him to do X things in order for you to love him. in your past threads as well you seem that you lose interest with the person you like/love as soon as the relationship is getting real.

love is a gamble. though i want to say there's nothing to be afraid of, trying vs. being scared is better. first thing first, know what you want then when you know it, you don't have to make second guesses. you will overcome your fears and doubts if you know what you want. now, is he what you want? i think this cycle will only continue, may it be LDR or not if you can't take a risk.