Facing infidelity while I kept my honesty :(

Hi Everyone,

I am a 25 yr old guy from India. In an LDR for almost 4 years now. We love each other to the apex and are desperately trying to obtain our parents' nod for our wedding (Which is sort of mandatory in India.. poor we..). But due to some caste and class issues, we are straightaway denied the same (Again, we poor fellas)..

Anyways, since last 1 year, after when we approached our parents for our marriage, there has been tension in the relationship due to their disapproval, Still we hope we would work something up and I would relocate and marry the girl (Which was our actual plan).

She is in job (as am I) and remains too busy... so lack of being in touch, misunderstanding, missing the other one at crucial points etc. happens a lot (trademark issues of an LDR)... We have started relying a lot on luck, not deeds for talking the relationship to marriage level...

Now this strange thing happened. She asked me a week back what if I start liking another guy? I was shocked. I live in a metrocity (and she in a very small town) where a million tonnes of hot babes are present.. but I never ever (I mean literally) thought of any other girl. I asked her what is the issue? She was like just a thought, no actual things have happened... Since I trust her completely, I just ignored and told I shall let u go (I think if ur love wants to go away, let it go.. If it is true one, it shall come back.. and if it doesnt, it was never yours...)

BTW i have the password of her gmail Id (It was my id, i used to use it years back)... To get some old emails of my own, I logged on to that casually without her knowledge. Then suddenly a chat popup came where I could read all her current and old conversation with this guy. They were upto very personal things, all those love talks, online smiley kisses, hugs and all of the things you musbe thinking of right now. And when I texted her at that very moment, she replied that she is busy in household chores and thereafter in studies n all.

She knows that I know her email's password. Further drill down revealed that she had put some settings thru which chats with that person are never saved in her account. Means full arrangements of cheating on me....

But I feel I have very less evidence right now. I copied some of her chats, and now keeping a eye on coming conversations too, so that I have a strong case when I actually tell her about her adventures.

I have no idea whatsoever why she did this to me... I kept my honesty, commitment and fidelity, but she coudnt.. She is the very same girl for whom I fought with my beloved parents who have sacrificed whole of their young age just for my better future.

Feeling shattered.

Pls advise...

If you are in an assumed monogamous relationship and she is being unfaithful, it does not have to be the end of your relationship, but only a tipping point that you can surpass to begin stronger.

You're in a tough place: invasion of assumed privacy. There really is no right way to bring it up to her. She is at fault for being in a situation where she either is or is perceived as being unfaithful. You are in a situation where you invaded her assumed privacy.

The important thing is the reasons behind this. It most likely will come down to your needing to make a decision. Either end your relationship with her or marry her against your parents and her parents wishes.

I would say that you are among the first in many generations to break the cycle of damage the caste system has caused to your society. You may face the heartache of rejection from your parents, but your children will not have to endure the same problem of inter caste rejection.

After all is said and done, there is no easy decision here. Either break up and move on, finding someone your parents will agree with you marrying... or go against their wishes and marry her, recognizing that that will mean disowning yourself from your family.

There is no easy choice.

Gosh. I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm sure you're overwhelmed by the betrayal. I can't advise on whether or not I think you should stay with her or not. Your situation is unique, and not as common as my experience. She may have felt discouraged that marriage with you may never happen and made a mistake out of insecurity. I don't know. But you won't know until you talk to her about it.

I would wait until you aren't as emotional about it to discuss it with her. You'll have to admit that you snooped so that she understands what you really know. Figure out what you want in that time. Figure out if you can forgive her if her explanation was reasonable or just completely self centered. If you can't, be prepared to let the relationship go. I would not suggest going in with both guns blazing before you have an idea of what you want and are calm.

Good luck.

If you are in an assumed monogamous relationship and she is being unfaithful, it does not have to be the end of your relationship, but only a tipping point that you can surpass to begin stronger.

 

You're in a tough place: invasion of assumed privacy. There really is no right way to bring it up to her. She is at fault for being in a situation where she either is or is perceived as being unfaithful. You are in a situation where you invaded her assumed privacy.

 

The important thing is the reasons behind this. It most likely will come down to your needing to make a decision. Either end your relationship with her or marry her against your parents and her parents wishes.

 

I would say that you are among the first in many generations to break the cycle of damage the caste system has caused to your society. You may face the heartache of rejection from your parents, but your children will not have to endure the same problem of inter caste rejection.

 

After all is said and done, there is no easy decision here. Either break up and move on, finding someone your parents will agree with you marrying... or go against their wishes and marry her, recognizing that that will mean disowning yourself from your family.

 

There is no easy choice.

Dear Creighton0123, you said "Either end your relationship with her or marry her against your parents and her parents wishes". But the question is whether she actually wants to marry me? (Given her alleged involvement with this new guy, which I have just come to know via FB that he lives in the same small town as hers). Should I hurt my folks for a girl who loves someone else.

And even if I go for first option (Ending the relationship), shouldn't I make her realize her deeds and show her how much it has hurt me?

Gosh. I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm sure you're overwhelmed by the betrayal. I can't advise on whether or not I think you should stay with her or not. Your situation is unique, and not as common as my experience. She may have felt discouraged that marriage with you may never happen and made a mistake out of insecurity. I don't know. But you won't know until you talk to her about it.

 

I would wait until you aren't as emotional about it to discuss it with her. You'll have to admit that you snooped so that she understands what you really know. Figure out what you want in that time. Figure out if you can forgive her if her explanation was reasonable or just completely self centered. If you can't, be prepared to let the relationship go. I would not suggest going in with both guns blazing before you have an idea of what you want and are calm.

 

Good luck.

Yesterday night I asked her casually that why did you ask "What if I start liking someone else"? Should I feel insecure? She laughed at me... She said whom do you think I shall meet in this shoddy small town? There aren't any smart fellas out here...

I replied what if there is actually someone good.. she again said in a lighter way: "Ya, then I may think of someone.. who knows.. hahaha"

And about snooping, it was by accident. It wasnt planned. I just logged on to get my own emails and she knows I open that account once in a blue moon, and she is perfectly okay with it. It was the sudden chat popup, old conversations in the chat window and "Chatting off the record" settings which made be doubt her.

I don't think I have done anything wrong, especially when I kept my honesty even after I have got everything raging from subtle signs to express proposals to one night stands as well as serious relationships at this metropolis. All the girls who came forward were promptly replied about my actual relationship status and me being a one woman man.

Awaiting your kind response

about2shatter,

Instead of beating around the bush, I think you're going to come clean and ask your gf straight out what her intentions are.

I'd be honest with her and tell her that you found her comment about "what if I find someone else?" troubling as you have rebuffed advances from many women because of your love and loyalty to her.

I'd be honest and tell her you since she raised the issue the first time, you stumbled across chat sessions between her and another guy that make you doubt she's telling you the 100% truth.

I'd be honest and tell her you realize it's probably going to be a long and difficult road to get parental approval for the two of you to marry, but you're willing to do whatever it takes because she means that much to you.

HOWEVER, it's not fair to either of you or worth all the sacrifice if she isn't also 100% committed to seeing things through.

See what she says and then make your decision.

HOWEVER, I have to be honest and say... now the seed of doubt has been planted in your mind, it's going to be very difficult for you not to be continually worrying and checking up on her which is not how an honest, healthy, committed relationship should be.

It's probably *because* you mean so much to her that she doesn't want to hurt your feelings and come out and tell you she's spoken to other guys. There may even be a small hope in the back of her mind that a miracle will happen and you two will be able to marry despite of all the obstacles, but...

In her defense, after your parents refused to entertain the thought of you two marrying, she may be the only one here who is being realistic.

As much as you mean to her she may realize you two will never be able to be together. She's stuck in a small town and her life presents few options for the future. Her heart may always belong to you but if she can't have you she has to deal with the cards she's been dealt which includes being prohibited from marrying you.

As difficult as it would be for the two of you to walk away, that may be the best option for all involved given the social/cultural issues you're up against.

But for your own peace of mind, I think you need to have a frank conversation with her just so you have some sort of clarity and closure.

HTH,

TMichaels

about2shatter,

 

Instead of beating around the bush, I think you're going to come clean and ask your gf straight out what her intentions are.

 

I'd be honest with her and tell her that you found her comment about "what if I find someone else?" troubling as you have rebuffed advances from many women because of your love and loyalty to her.

 

I'd be honest and tell her you since she raised the issue the first time, you stumbled across chat sessions between her and another guy that make you doubt she's telling you the 100% truth.

 

I'd be honest and tell her you realize it's probably going to be a long and difficult road to get parental approval for the two of you to marry, but you're willing to do whatever it takes because she means that much to you.

 

HOWEVER, it's not fair to either of you or worth all the sacrifice if she isn't also 100% committed to seeing things through.

 

See what she says and then make your decision.

 

HOWEVER, I have to be honest and say... now the seed of doubt has been planted in your mind, it's going to be very difficult for you not to be continually worrying and checking up on her which is not how an honest, healthy, committed relationship should be.

 

It's probably *because* you mean so much to her that she doesn't want to hurt your feelings and come out and tell you she's spoken to other guys. There may even be a small hope in the back of her mind that a miracle will happen and you two will be able to marry despite of all the obstacles, but...

 

In her defense, after your parents refused to entertain the thought of you two marrying, she may be the only one here who is being realistic.

 

As much as you mean to her she may realize you two will never be able to be together. She's stuck in a small town and her life presents few options for the future. Her heart may always belong to you but if she can't have you she has to deal with the cards she's been dealt which includes being prohibited from marrying you.

 

As difficult as it would be for the two of you to walk away, that may be the best option for all involved given the social/cultural issues you're up against.

 

But for your own peace of mind, I think you need to have a frank conversation with her just so you have some sort of clarity and closure.

 

HTH,

TMichaels

Dear,

Thanks a thousand times for such and enlightened reply. I shall reply to your full post soon, just to give you a quick response that I have just come to know an hour back (thru the same chat spying thing) that the guy is a married guy, cheating his wife. In last couple of days, I have talked lot of love talk with this girl and tried to explain her how much I love her and trust her completely (This I did to check what impact does it have on the two people's relationship...)

I came to know that she discussed this cheating thing with him and she was a bit guilty that how can I do this, to break trust of a guy who loves me for 4 years now. Then guy said be practical dear, we should do what gives us happiness, and we should not thing about anybody else. See, I am also cheating my wife, and you him... So wats the big deal? Then she said this is a thing called loyalty too... But I think we should leave the topic and continue other talks.

My username was about2shatter, now I am completely shattered...

Pls help. Should I wait for some more chat sessions? Maybe should I make her realize how much I love her and maybe my love pulls her back (due to the guilt factor). After all she is ruining a family. She herself will be hurt in some time as they have no future at all. I am already hurt. 4 people's destiny is at stake.

Help me please......

about2shatter,

I'll give you a piece of advice that I learned the hard way long ago...

If you want to know who a person really is and where their heart really lies, don't listen to what they say, watch how they act and how they treat you, as a person's actions always speak louder than their words.

I can understand how devastated you must feel right now. But that's always the risk you run when you you start snooping -- there's just as much a chance you'll find out something you didn't know that is gutting than something that assures you all is well.

I'm not saying you shouldn't trust your gut -- you should. You did and your suspicions were confirmed.

But you've also opened Pandora's box now -- and checking her chat transcripts is going to be an obsession. You need to stop. You have all the proof you need that she hasn't been faithful and honest with you -- that should be enough.

I would say nothing to your gf about what you know and what's more I would distance yourself from her and go no contact.

You cannot be her conscience nor should you be. Her choices should be hers and hers alone.

HTH,

TMichaels

About,

I'm having difficulty offering advice because your situation is very different than any I've ever been in. Another poster said it best. Actions speak louder than words. However, she hasn't taken the steps to be with this man if I understand the chats correctly. She is emotionally cheating at this point, but doesn't seem to have crossed over to physical cheating. There is a difference between thinking about something and doing it. It's clear that she's weighing the situation and feels guilty. This guy is trying to exploit her possible naiveté. He sounds like a slimeball.

She's in a small town, with fewer options. Your family disapproves of her. You are in a larger town, with many options. She has a reason to feel insecure. She doesn't know if she can ever really have you. I empathize with her. I'm not saying that what she's doing is right, but I think I understand why she's reaching out for attention from someone. We don't know that she'd be doing this if she was assured that you would be together. We also don't know that she wouldn't.

All I can suggest is think about wht you really want, and whether or not you really can be together. Make that the focal point. If you know that you'll never be able to get married, you have your answer. Whatever else she's doing is inconsequential. If you think you can, you're going to have to figure out if you can forgive her and understand why she did it. And if she's capable of doing it again. You'll also have to discuss it with her.

Hello About,

People are going to have differing opinions on what defines infidelity. I could never imagine talking with another man about things like that and I know if my partner did that for me it would be considered infidelity because it is an action that broke my trust and shook my confidence involving a person outside of our relationship.

I don't think being from a remote area or insecure are ever good excuses to cheat, to flirt, or to have conversations with someone of the opposite sex that are not appropriate.

I understand how you feel about her but one thing that drives me batty is the constant emphasis on "do what you feel is right" "follow your heart" etc. I have personally made many foolish decisions because how I've felt about certain people or situations. I have learned it is much better to make realistic, logical decisions than whimsical ones.

Many people get into a relationship with someone who is not right for them or not treating them right, or they get with someone who has cheated and take them back - why? "Because I love him/her" "I can't change my feelings" well, that's sort of true... either way doing something that is going to bring you hurt and/or harm simply because you feel like it is always your choice to make but poor choices lead to poor outcomes.

Talk to your girlfriend about her behavior, find out how she feels about this guy and why she has done what she did - find out what her feelings are. It is then up to you to decide whether this woman can be trusted in spite of her actions and if you don't think she can it is better to let her go now than face an even worse situation in your future when the incident is more severe.

Dear all well-wishers and friends,

Its crystal clear now. Its over. Its confirmed. I have no doubt now. My suspicion that they are also physically cheating is true. As I am typing this reply, currently the guy is present at her apartment (where she lives alone).

So finally since it is over, as well-guided by each one of you, following is my action plan. On Sunday 11th or 18th December, I shall fly down to her place, keep my head cool with a tonne of ice above and within my head, will talk in strong, assertive (non - aggressive and non-abusive, of course) words, and will tell whatever I know about them.

Further I would tell that i dont want to know anything else, thanks for everything, every good moment we shared in past 4.5 yrs, for all the good u did to me. U are free from my side now, go ahead, do whatever u wanna do, just be happy. Thank you and Good Bye.

Then I shall slam her door on her face and walk out of the apartment, never to contact her by any thinkable means of communication (dreams included).

I shall start afresh from the very next moment, to start a new life. A new life which shall be light-years away from even the shadow of this person. I shall be happy, for myself, for my parents, for my siblings, for my friends who have shown me that the real meaning of Love is nothing but trust, care and affection.

Wish me good luck fellas.

Goodbye and Godspeed.

Always yours,

No-More-shattered

And even if I go for first option (Ending the relationship), shouldn't I make her realize her deeds and show her how much it has hurt me?

No. That can be perceived as being very caddy, particularly given the fact that you found out about it by snooping.

I would also caution you when it comes to your claiming that she is ruining your family. She is not ruining your family. You are not ruining your family. Your parents, sticking to social norms when it comes to dated and medieval social castes are ruining your family.

Dear,

The matter is already over.. U may pls read other posts of me and other members.

And about ruining a family, i was referring to family of that married guy for whom she cheated me.

Thanks for the support though.

Thank you for ur support brother... I m at peace now. U may read my post "finally, peace...."

Hello About,

 

People are going to have differing opinions on what defines infidelity. I could never imagine talking with another man about things like that and I know if my partner did that for me it would be considered infidelity because it is an action that broke my trust and shook my confidence involving a person outside of our relationship.

 

I don't think being from a remote area or insecure are ever good excuses to cheat, to flirt, or to have conversations with someone of the opposite sex that are not appropriate.

 

I understand how you feel about her but one thing that drives me batty is the constant emphasis on "do what you feel is right" "follow your heart" etc. I have personally made many foolish decisions because how I've felt about certain people or situations. I have learned it is much better to make realistic, logical decisions than whimsical ones.

 

Many people get into a relationship with someone who is not right for them or not treating them right, or they get with someone who has cheated and take them back - why? "Because I love him/her" "I can't change my feelings" well, that's sort of true... either way doing something that is going to bring you hurt and/or harm simply because you feel like it is always your choice to make but poor choices lead to poor outcomes.

 

Talk to your girlfriend about her behavior, find out how she feels about this guy and why she has done what she did - find out what her feelings are. It is then up to you to decide whether this woman can be trusted in spite of her actions and if you don't think she can it is better to let her go now than face an even worse situation in your future when the incident is more severe.

Thank you for ur support... I m at peace now. U may read my post "finally, peace...."

Hello About,

 

People are going to have differing opinions on what defines infidelity. I could never imagine talking with another man about things like that and I know if my partner did that for me it would be considered infidelity because it is an action that broke my trust and shook my confidence involving a person outside of our relationship.

 

I don't think being from a remote area or insecure are ever good excuses to cheat, to flirt, or to have conversations with someone of the opposite sex that are not appropriate.

 

I understand how you feel about her but one thing that drives me batty is the constant emphasis on "do what you feel is right" "follow your heart" etc. I have personally made many foolish decisions because how I've felt about certain people or situations. I have learned it is much better to make realistic, logical decisions than whimsical ones.

 

Many people get into a relationship with someone who is not right for them or not treating them right, or they get with someone who has cheated and take them back - why? "Because I love him/her" "I can't change my feelings" well, that's sort of true... either way doing something that is going to bring you hurt and/or harm simply because you feel like it is always your choice to make but poor choices lead to poor outcomes.

 

Talk to your girlfriend about her behavior, find out how she feels about this guy and why she has done what she did - find out what her feelings are. It is then up to you to decide whether this woman can be trusted in spite of her actions and if you don't think she can it is better to let her go now than face an even worse situation in your future when the incident is more severe.

Thank you for ur support.. I m at peace now. U may read my post "finally, peace...."

About,

 

I'm having difficulty offering advice because your situation is very different than any I've ever been in. Another poster said it best. Actions speak louder than words. However, she hasn't taken the steps to be with this man if I understand the chats correctly. She is emotionally cheating at this point, but doesn't seem to have crossed over to physical cheating. There is a difference between thinking about something and doing it. It's clear that she's weighing the situation and feels guilty. This guy is trying to exploit her possible naiveté. He sounds like a slimeball.

 

She's in a small town, with fewer options. Your family disapproves of her. You are in a larger town, with many options. She has a reason to feel insecure. She doesn't know if she can ever really have you. I empathize with her. I'm not saying that what she's doing is right, but I think I understand why she's reaching out for attention from someone. We don't know that she'd be doing this if she was assured that you would be together. We also don't know that she wouldn't.

 

All I can suggest is think about wht you really want, and whether or not you really can be together. Make that the focal point. If you know that you'll never be able to get married, you have your answer. Whatever else she's doing is inconsequential. If you think you can, you're going to have to figure out if you can forgive her and understand why she did it. And if she's capable of doing it again. You'll also have to discuss it with her.

Thank you for ur support.. I m at peace now. U may read my post "finally, peace...."

about2shatter,

 

I'll give you a piece of advice that I learned the hard way long ago...

 

If you want to know who a person really is and where their heart really lies, don't listen to what they say, watch how they act and how they treat you, as a person's actions always speak louder than their words.

 

I can understand how devastated you must feel right now. But that's always the risk you run when you you start snooping -- there's just as much a chance you'll find out something you didn't know that is gutting than something that assures you all is well.

 

I'm not saying you shouldn't trust your gut -- you should. You did and your suspicions were confirmed.

 

But you've also opened Pandora's box now -- and checking her chat transcripts is going to be an obsession. You need to stop. You have all the proof you need that she hasn't been faithful and honest with you -- that should be enough.

 

I would say nothing to your gf about what you know and what's more I would distance yourself from her and go no contact.

 

You cannot be her conscience nor should you be. Her choices should be hers and hers alone.

 

HTH,

TMichaels

Thank you for ur support brother... I m at peace now. U may read my post "finally, peace...."