Hey Hey What Can I Do

Hey. I don't really know where to start. I am really looking for some help here, I don't know how to move forward. I'm in really rough shape. I am 27 years old and a law student, but I feel like a clueless child. So any advice is appreciated. I guess I'll give the background:

My girlfriend and I broke up at the end of October, just over 3 months ago. It's a long story, but she ended it because I hadn't made her enough of a priority in my life. She didn't feel valued enough by me. When she moved to a new city 2 hours away for school, I tried to make it work, and I thought things were going ok enough. After a fight on the phone, she ended it.

I didn't think it would take at first, but it sunk in a few days later...that it was for real. Then I begun making every mistake in the book. Instead of just leaving her alone, I called her all the time and tried to stay in touch. Grand gestures, flowers, anything. I even made the two hour drive probably 5 or 6 times over the next month, to try and patch things up. Those outings would go well...but not well enough for me. We had fun and hung out, slept together - but no sex, and none of it resulted in us getting anywhere. The lack of progress got to me, and we had a good blowup before Christmas. She was NOT ready to get back together.

I was absolutely devastated. Severely depressed. Definitely not the best holiday I've ever had. I didn't know where to turn, but chasing her again wasn't going to make things better. I got as much advice as I could, and I decided to give it 4 or 5 weeks until I tried to make contact with her, and just try to keep busy in the meantime. About ten days later, She actually called me on my birthday. It was really nice to her from her, and we just talked about life without dredging up anything. I loved it. But that was it.

I didn't get too bent out of shape about it, I still had my plan of trying to get back in touch in a few more weeks. I even went on a date or two with another girl in the meantime. I felt guilty, and I didn't really want to, but it was nice to take my mind off it for a few hours and enjoy someones company. Nothing came of it.

Finally, my day came and I decided to call her up! I told her I was coming through town and asked if she wanted to grab a quick dinner or something. She answered yes without a hesitation, even sounded a little excited. I showed up, and we had a great time. I screwed up though: she asked me to stay overnight - and I did, and I asked her that night if she wanted to hang out later in the week for her birthday. Way too much pressure. It was exactly like all those other visits I made. Not ready. At least we were both smiling when we parted. I didn't know what to do next, so I left the ball in her court.

She was back in my town the next weekend and asked if I wanted to come out for her birthday. She had plans of going to a lounge at dinner and then out to a club that night. I said sure. I met up with them at the lounge and all went good, we chatted some but I kept my distance though. That night, when I showed up at the club, was a bit of a disaster. I saw her dance with another dude, and she completely ignored me save for a two second conversation. It was just bad, bad. I couldn't take any more. This was about 3 weeks ago. I didn't demand any answers, I just quit talking to her. I have been driving myself insane trying to get her back, but I keep making mistake after mistake and getting disheartened.

Last week, she called. In a bit of a huff. She felt the need to explain why she hadn't been talking to me, but she was mad that she felt the need to explain herself. She feels like she has to stop putting my feelings above her own, saying "I already did that for two years." She said she needs some space now. She is still angry at me. It's been a really long time since she's made any reference to us getting back together.

I am lost. I made mistakes during our relationship. I want to show her that I have learned and I can be better. She's always been "it" for me. I am ridiculously in love with her, and have been since the moment I saw her.

I've been trying to keep busy, with school, with work, with friends, even went on the odd date again. And the dates just kind of suck. I don't really even put a lot of effort into them, so there's no excitement. My hearts not in it. It would be damn nice to get something "physical" again, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I keep getting this thought in my head that it would be nice to tell our kids someday that we had our problems but we stayed faithful. I don't have a reason to believe that she has moved on in that way, and others have told me the same.

Nothing is really doing the trick. She crosses my mind 10,000 times a day. I don't know what my next move should be. The whole Valentines Day thing is playing with my mind, and I was thinking of sending her something. But maybe that would just be asking for it again.

I am sorry for the novel, and I know it sounds ridiculous. You might ask me "why" I would want her back, but I didn't go into any detail of our years together, just the break-up. The ugly garbage. Trust me, she's worth it. What should I do? What should I expect?

Thank you.

I will follow my heart and I truly think you should do whatever you feel like for Valentine. Do not live with regret.You love her. Show it to her.It looks like it is still feelings in both parts. Good luck to you. Love can be such a journey sometimes.

Forget Valentine's. Based on her last comments to you, you'll only come across as an irritation-cum-stalker.

you know it makes sense.

Thanks. Do you really think I ought to leave it alone? Should I not make any more tries at it? All these no-contact periods are just so draining.

I just don't think I could live with myself if there was anything more I could do.

I reckon you need to leave it. She needs to get in contact with you, not the other way 'round. She said she needed space. Give it to her. You're pushing her away.

Also, you're not ready to be going on dates yet. Go out with friends, but don't be messing with other girls. Not fair on them in my opinion.

A heartbroken person's pain isn't ridiculous. As a law student or as an observer, I'm sure you've heard stories of passion-driven crime. The last one I heard involved a man shooting his wife who tried to leave him (couldn't deal with his controlling and jealous ways anymore), stuffing her body in a closet, then killing himself beside her. Her father found them days later.

No, I don't think your feeling of pain is ridiculous at all. What you do with your feelings, that's a different story.

This was about 3 weeks ago. I didn't demand any answers, I just quit talking to her. I have been driving myself insane trying to get her back, but I keep making mistake after mistake and getting disheartened.

Focus on that. It's not like you haven't tried, you've done everything that you could and there's no point in doing the same thing again and again in hopes that you will get a different outcome.

Haven't you noticed? You're investing in something that doesn't have gains. She's not interested in you in this way anymore. Whether it's for the meantime or the long haul, it doesn't matter. You need to get your head straight so you can start thinking of yourself.

She's the one who wants out.

She's the one who wants to leave.

You've done what you could. You really have. All of this?

Instead of just leaving her alone, I called her all the time and tried to stay in touch. Grand gestures, flowers, anything. I even made the two hour drive probably 5 or 6 times over the next month, to try and patch things up.

That's not a quitter. And you hoped the gestures would work, but they didn't simply because for whatever reason, she doesn't have romantic feelings for you right now.

Last week, she called. In a bit of a huff. She felt the need to explain why she hadn't been talking to me, but she was mad that she felt the need to explain herself. She feels like she has to stop putting my feelings above her own, saying "I already did that for two years." She said she needs some space now. She is still angry at me. It's been a really long time since she's made any reference to us getting back together.

Give it to her. Give her the space, brother, prolonging your heartache is NOT worth it! She won't appreciate what you're giving to her. She's not interested. Dumpees who want to get back together prolong these mistakes: calling, begging, sending a text message, etc., just to see if they can somehow change their dumper's mind. Doing all of these during the first week of the break-up is understandable, but come on. Two weeks, 3 weeks after? No. It's not worth it.

Dumpees can't change their dumper's mind with these shenanigans. None of that matters because it reeks of desperation, insecurity, and low self-confidence. If I were to get back with my ex, that is not how I want me to be. I don't know about you, but I hope you don't want to be the shadow of the you that your ex was attracted to. Right now, you are very much the antithesis of that person that she was attracted to 2 years ago.

Again brother, give her the space she so needs. ALL OF IT. She wants space? Give it to her because it's what she wants from you. Not attention, not gifts. She wants you gone. Disappear from her life.

This isn't necessarily a negative to you. As one of our beloved members here likes to say, "Give her the gift of missing you." She can't miss someone who she knows is there and if she adjusts to your absence, so what? Is that what you're afraid of, that she'll stop missing you? Guess what? You'll get used to her being gone, too. That's more important, actually: that you'll get used to her being gone. You have a lot of things going for you, law school, great career, loans to pay. (unless you've got the financial stuff down ) I bet you can even analyze all of this stuff I'm saying and find loopholes, fallacies, etc.

It's hard right now because your heart's broken. All of this pain is just in your mind and you'll purge it, but not yet. Grieve, but let sense take over eventually. It's not healthy to stay sad. Yes, even though reconciliations do happen, assume that she's gone. It's for your own good because you need to move on. When you wonder about her, just tell yourself "It doesn't matter" over and over again. Stick it on your walls, make it a desktop background, it doesn't matter. Again, she doesn't matter because she's the one who left you.

Read this: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t81399/

I appreciate everyone's responses. I guess leaving it alone is probably the only way ahead, one way or the other.

It's so damned tough because I think our issues are pretty solvable. And I know that my feelings are genuine. I try to put her out of my mind, to move on, but I just see her wherever I go.

Does everyone think I should wait for her to get in touch with me again? Or just give it more time before trying something?

It's so damned tough because I think our issues are pretty solvable. And I know that my feelings are genuine.

I know. That's how I feel about my most recent break-up as well, but it's not my fault that he gave up. For whatever reason, he chose to throw in the towel and I have no control over that. He didn't want to stay.

Same thing with your ex, scrc. She walked.

Does everyone think I should wait for her to get in touch with me again? Or just give it more time before trying something?

I don't know about everyone, but I would wait for her if I were you. Odds are stacked against you as it is already. Or you could give it a try again after some time, if you want. It's really up to you.

Even better than waiting for her to initiate contact? NC. You cannot handle what she has to say to you right now because it will just set your healing back. She doesn't want the same things you want from her at this time and only time will tell whether or not she'll want to try again. Don't put your life on hold for that possibility and miss out on great things (I'm not talking about a new girl or a new romance).

And no Valentine's Day contact. Fight it. She's not going to appreciate your efforts in the way you wish she would. Don't make me quote from Swingers again, brother, I'm quite notorious for it around here.

You're only move is to stay in strict NC. You are beating a dead horse with all of your insane gestures, yes they're sweet and everything but the relationship is DEAD, accept that. You cannot change her mind at this point, only she can do that. And now go into strict NC, don't bite on anything and i mean ANYTHING she sends you unless it says "I want to get back together." And I can't stress that enough ecause she wills end you crumps, she will attempt to manipulate you into answering her and you cannot do it. She will ask why you're ignoring her, she will call, she will call from hidden numbers, you do nothing unless she calls and leaves the message you want to hear. Love is war, and you staying in NC gives YOU all of the power, she needs to come back to you. She needs to win you back, not the other way around.

NC is the only way for you to heal and only way for her to even begin to miss you, right now you smothered her, she needs space give it to her. NC will make both of you feel better, and is your only chance to fix the damage that has been done. But don't go into NC clinging to the hope of her coming back, it's okay to have that hope but don't cling to it.

Heal yourself, think back to the relationship, how you can show her you've changed in the long run. If she comes back, grand gestures are all well and good, but it's the small things day to day that matter. Ask any woman that. She felt unappreciated by you, so of course she dumped you, you need to show her in little ways how much you appreciate her. This is all providing she comes back. For now you do nothing. Any further "gesture" is going to get you labeled as a stalker and kill any chance of reconciliation. NC is hard but it is your only shot at this point. And it'll take time, but honestly the more time you guys are split the more time you have to learn from your mistakes and in effect strengthen your second chance should you get it. If she loves you she will come back, just trust in love.

-Gator

Have to say I'm really glad I made this post. I was pretty sure I was going to cave, and try something over the next few days. But your advice makes sense, and convinced me not to. It really wouldn't do any good. I guess it's on her. I'll leave it.

I don't really know how I will handle it when we inevitably start talking again. We have a fair number of people in common, and things were left on decent enough terms so I think it's likely. I highly doubt she will just come flat out saying "I want you back." How I respond to what she does do will be important, I suppose. But that's nothing to worry about today.

I hope I can be a success story from this place. Thanks again.

No problem at all, but don't reply to silly things like "Hey, and how are you" those are just her fishing and you do not want to bite. She may even get aggravated when you don't and you can't reply to those messages either. Anyways, just stay strong. Remember that anything really is possible, and never forget why you're doing it any time you feel like breaking it.

If you get week, post on here, we WILL stop you. We will guide you through as much as we can. Just stay positive and have some fun

-Gator

Well, I hung on and didn't cave, didn't call or do anything Valentines Day. It sounds simple but its tough to actually do. I've always believed that when you want something you do what it takes to make it happen, and doing nothing never works.

It's been a couple weeks since we've spoke, almost 4-months post breakup. It finally occurred to me that this isn't likely to happen. I really don't think she will come back anymore. It's easy to think that all you have to do is follow some NC plan and you're set...but it sure doesn't always work that way. Life happens and people move on.

It's the most difficult thing I've ever had to accept. I always try to have as much information as possible to make decisions, and eventually, after months and months, it dawns on you. I'm the type that can cling to faint hopes for a really, really long time, but for my own personal well-being, it's time to face facts.

Thanks a lot everyone for your input.

Here's a suggestion as I do this occasionally when I feel the urge to want to call the ex. You may not like her music but I play Ke$ha's song "Grow a Pear" which is kinda catchy. You can find it on iTunes or YouTube. I pretend that she's talking to me, and it does make me realize that I need to not lose my "man card" and just move on. If it doesn't kill you, it makes you stronger.